Archive of Our Own ^beta

Frankly, Jax was sick of apologies.

In the Circus, there wasn't anything to be sorry for. It was like apologizing for being short, or having brown hair. With everything cut out for them, Ragatha's incessant "I'm sorry"s were beginning to wear on him. Though he supposed that was part of her character as well, just as much as it was his to scoff at it.

Nobody had any reason to apologize to him. He'd made very sure of that, but here he was, standing in front of Ragatha as she twiddled her floppy cartoon thumbs and prattled on, "—and I know it wasn't a great thing to say, and you can trust I haven't forgotten about … that." She tilted her head up finally, making a valiant attempt at eye contact, but Jax chose that moment to let his eyes slide away from her face and onto where his nails would've been if he had any. "Pomni told me—"

"Yeah, yeah. I don't need to hear about all that," Jax spit out before she could finish the thought.

They had been talking about him. Damn it. The last thing they needed was offscreen character development; Jax was tired of pieces moving out of his sight. And god, the Awards Show had only concluded like an hour ago. They had barely gotten back to the tent! The least Ragatha could do was wait a few days and maybe forget about it in the meantime.

Ragatha averted her eyes again, her string of a mouth wavering for a second before she said, "Just, it wasn't your fault. I don't blame you for … what happened. To them."

Well then.

It seemed physically painful for her to say, and she probably didn't even believe her own words, but she had chosen to say it anyway. For what?

It wasn't your fault.

Of course it wasn't. Fault didn't even exist here. Once again, Ragatha's reading of him had been so incredibly far off the mark. What had Pomni even told her?

It wasn't his fault. Nobody had laughed at Kaufmo's jokes or bothered to get close to him. Nobody had checked up on Ribbit. He wasn't special.

But it was all too easy to regret it all in hindsight. If only he had stayed by Ribbit's side that day instead of leaving after their argument—then Ribbit might not have abstracted, and they both would've—

Let's take a step back.

Your name is Jax.

In the Circus, nothing really mattered, so he shook out his head, plastered his signature grin back on his face, and walked on over to Gangle, leaving Ragatha behind him. She was still trying to talk, the poor woman, but he was entirely uninterested.

Gangle, on the other hand, sparked some delight within him. Unlike everyone else, she was in a great mood, at least from where Jax could see her sitting next to Zooble on a couch.

In one efficient move, he snatched Gangle's fresh comedy mask straight off her face and chucked it into the distance, watching as it spun and spun before colliding with a wall, then shot up and disappeared into the ceiling. Gangle made a sad little sound at every turn that made Jax want to tie her feet together and leave her on some train tracks.

"Jax!" Zooble said, already stepping between him and Gangle.

"What?" Jax said. "I just wanted to play frisbee. Gangle's mask is just the right shape for that."

"It quite literally is not."

"Oh come on, you have no creativity."

Zooble huffed, reaching out a hand. "Come on, Gangle. We don't need to spend time near him."

With mock offense, Jax placed a hand on his chest, where his character's sometimes-beating digital heart resided. He watched out of one eye as Gangle and Zooble disappeared into the hall. A quick loss, this time. Damn.

So much for that. It was so hard to find anyone to tease when Caine wasn't forcing them into proximity. There were always others. Let's see … Pomni, Ragatha, Kinger … slim pickings, but he could make do.

Along with his teasing, one by one, everyone disappeared into their rooms to rest. Jax shoved away the memory of the strange looks Ragatha and Pomni had been giving him and took his first moment alone to shake himself out a bit, trying to drive out the odd feeling collecting in his silly cartoon limbs. The last thing he wanted right now was to be bored. Caine had better get a move on with the next adventure already so everyone could stop hiding away.

Still slightly off-kilter, Jax made his way to the first mirror he saw before entering his room, indulging this stupid little ritual of his. His reflection was slightly distorted and curved, but he could still clearly make out what stared back at him. This was his place.

Purple, lots of purple. The same overalls he'd been wearing this whole time, the same yellow teeth. The rounded puff of a tail.

Wait.

A tail?

Jax blinked, looking away from the mirror and behind his back to check if his reflection was playing tricks on him. For once, it wasn't. He had a tail again.

Had he ever even lost it? He remembered Pomni saying he didn't have one, and he remembered checking, but it shouldn't have just … temporarily disappeared, right?

Whatever. That didn't matter right now, did it? He was still Jax. Still a purple rabbit. The nebulous existence of his tail didn't change a thing.

And so Jax "this doesn't matter"ed this day into the next, or at least what passed as the next day in the Circus. He was doing a very good job of not freaking out again like he had at the Awards Show. Ha! That'd show Pomni. She still hadn't stopped looking at him funny, even though at least twelve hours had passed … or whatever half a day was in today's terms.

By now, he'd have to accept Pomni as a lost cause, just like the rest of them. It was disappointing, but Jax knew disappointment.

With everyone except Zooble mingling in the common area, Caine zipped on in, and before anyone could even mention Zooble's absence, he snapped his fingers, and they appeared.

"Hey, what—"

"Shut up and listen," Caine said, crossing his arms petulantly.

Zooble scoffed, mirroring his pose with a roll of their eyes. "You can't m—"

"Yeah, shut up, Zooble." Jax tilted his head to the side, regarding them with the most infuriating smile he could muster.

For a few seconds, Zooble waved their arms around, eyes wide. Maybe Caine had finally figured out how to zip that intangible mouth of theirs shut. Definitely no horrifying implications there.

Nobody else dared to say much of anything, so after a few seconds, Ragatha stepped forward. Soft laughter only sharpened her palpable nervousness, but there was no way Caine noticed because she ended up saying, "So, Caine! What adventure are we going on today?" She paused for a moment to glance uneasily at the rest of them. "I know a few of us would like a slightly less … exciting adventure this time around, if that's possible."

Immediately, a chorus of three voices piped up in opposition. Zooble raised their arms in … some sort of gesture.

"Don't you worry; today's adventure is sure to spark interest in all of your poor, tired souls," Caine assured them, looking a little completely fucking insane around the edges. "That's because today's adventure is called … The Exit." The words materialized themselves behind him as he spoke, and he swept them out of the air with a grand wave of his arm.

"The Exit?" Pomni echoed, blinking audibly.

"As I mentioned before, I've noticed … tensions between the characters of the Amazing Digital Circus, and that can't be allowed to continue!" Caine shook his head solemnly, and Bubble materialized behind him to do the same, then walked off, leaving Jax to wonder for a moment how a creature with no legs was walking. "Clearly, none of my adventures are getting through to you! So." His excessively large eyes scanned the group from left to right, then right to left. "So I thought I'd finally give you what you wanted."

"I don't get it," Pomni was quick to express. "Last time I opened an exit door, it led me out into the Void. I thought you didn't know what it was even like outside the Circus."

Ragatha nodded in agreement. "Are we sure this is a good idea? Everything's already all over the place as-is …" Her eye drifted over to Jax, and he gave her a deadpan stare.

After that came a whole lot of arguing and debating and explaining and so many things Jax couldn't care less about. Blah blah blah, "maybe we should be careful," blah blah blah, "but maybe it'll be fun!" Those few minutes passed like an exceptionally lubricated snail down a plastic slide.

Jax really didn't get how anyone's idea of fun could be the real world, but as long as he wasn't forced into minimum wage labor again, it wouldn't be so bad. Maybe he could break into an important government building. Steal a car. Kill someone. None of it was real anyway. It would basically be GTA or something. He hadn't played it before.

Of course, the others weren't exactly in agreement about that. But what motivation did Caine have to give them their real lives back? Then he would lose his playthings. Nobody in their right mind would do that to themselves. He wasn't in the business of going insane.

"Maybe this isn't such a good idea," Ragatha concluded after far too much ruminating.

Caine, who had been silent and stewing for minutes, suddenly turned, the Circus seeming to warp and darken around him as he shouted directly in Ragatha's face, "You're a bad idea!"

"That'd be you, Boss," Bubble said helpfully, once again emerging from nowhere. Caine growled at him so loudly that he popped.

Ragatha laughed uneasily, tugging at the sleeves of her dress. "No, no, it sounds great! If we could just have a few more minutes to prepare …"

"F-fine!" Caine snapped his fingers and promptly disappeared.

They all stared at the empty space where Caine had once been for a few seconds. Zooble eventually said, "Caine's going f[BOINK]ing bananas."

"Oh, hey, you got your voice … back …" Pomni trailed off, eyeing everyone uneasily like she had just walked into a cocktail party wearing her Spider-Man Halloween costume.

Nobody had actually voiced it until now—not much, at least—but Caine was getting scary. As far as Jax was concerned, Caine was no more than a well-meaning but ultimately misguided prison guard. He wasn't sure it was even possible to get on Caine's bad side, but it would take an idiot to miss the digital irregularities that coincided with Caine's newly increasing … stress.

Tense Silence stretched itself thin and draped itself across each of their heads. Jax wondered briefly how the Circus had managed to personify Tense Silence so effectively, then realized he was bored out of his mind and needed someone to please say something right now or he'd find a way to detach Gangle's tragedy mask too.

"I think I know what I'll do," Pomni said, poking the silence tentatively with one finger. It collapsed in on itself, wisping into the air. "My best friend doesn't live too far away from … here. God, there's so much I haven't told her."

Ragatha gave her an uneasy smile. "Well, I'm sure you'll have the chance to explain everything. Who knows, maybe everything will even go back to normal."

"I can't believe you guys genuinely believe he found a way out," Jax said, rolling his eyes. "We're stuck here for good. Get used to it."

Pomni's cartoonish lips tightened into a flat line. "Would it kill you to be optimistic about this for once?"

"What? Isn't that a recipe for disappointment? We literally just talked about this: Caine is going crazy."

"Well, we are still here," Kinger said, raising an educating finger.

No point in trying to figure that out. Kinger put Caine to shame with how little sense he made.

"So, an exit, huh?" Ragatha said, her voice light. "That's not his usual style of adventure."

Zooble crossed their arms, casting a withering gaze at the section of air Caine had only just disappeared from. "He's getting desperate. He knows how much Pomni was talking about leaving, and … Kaufmo, too."

Before anyone could even start to feel sad, Jax butted in, "So, how's it gonna go? Are we really going to see Pomni's friend"—he elbowed her, and she scoffed at him—"or will Caine just dump us in an unmonitored open world where I can go kill some people?" He looked at Gangle for effect, and she squeaked in panic.

Nobody said anything for a bit. He knew what they were feeling: hope.

It was so useless, though! They were getting their hopes up for nothing.

"Where will you guys go if we … actually leave?" Pomni asked.

Jax groaned as loudly as he could. "Are we really talking about this? I thought everyone knew there's no point."

Pomni, irritatingly, was not as bothered as she should've been. She just looked at him with those big, round eyes that pierced his skull and said, "Think about it like a hypothetical."

First to step forward was Ragatha. "Well, I suppose it's been a while," she started. "God … at least ten years now? Probably more …" Her eye listed to the side wistfully. "First thing … I'd probably call my mother."

"I thought she was kinda—" Zooble interrupted themself. "Well, I'm surprised."

Ragatha laughed quietly. "I am too, but it's the truth."

"I'd … I have a few friends. Haven't seen them in a while," Zooble said. "It'd be nice to talk to them again, see what they've been up to."

"It's been a while since I talked to my brother," Gangle said.

Jax interrupted, "You have a brother?"

Gangle sniffled. "He was only … how old was he?"

Another lengthy silence. Jax was having enough of these silences.

"How long has it even been since we entered the Circus?" Gangle asked, red ribbons wavering with her constitution. "What if nobody remembers us? What about our jobs? Our homes? Our—"

"Hey," Zooble interrupted. "I promise you haven't been forgotten."

Ragatha nodded. "Kinger?" she tried, hurriedly moving things along. "Got anyone waiting fo—oh, hmm."

After a whole conversation of staring wide-eyed at the checkered floor tiles, Kinger looked up and said, "I do have a job. I'd be late for work by now, probably."

Now that everyone else was through with, all eyes snapped to Jax.

If he escaped …

Let’s rewind a bit. 

You are Jax.

You're about to leave on an adventure, just like you do every day, and you're going to make the most of it.

"Oh, I dunno," he said very intelligently and wittily.

Great! Awesome. Audience look away please.

As Caine was wont to do, he barged right back in, relieving Jax of the several sets of blank stares. "Enough waiting! Adventure starts now!"

"Wait—"

Jax landed back-first on a hard floor, feeling strangely solid.

Sensations swarmed his senses; the air felt denser on his skin. He could taste his own mouth—yuck. A dull ache up his back where he'd landed.

Fabric—genuine fabric rather than a rubbery interpretation painted onto his skin—clung to his arms and legs and torso, and the back of his neck tickled. When he reached a hand up to touch, his fingers felt small, thin. Hair, delicate little strings of it. Delightful. It was almost gross after so long without it.

"Holy sh[BOINK!]," came Pomni's voice, then, quieter: "Aw, f[BOINK!]k."

Jax blinked and sat up, eyes running through the small group of humans over and over in search of the moving mouth, but Pomni had already stopped speaking. Everyone was sitting, crowded far too close together for him to tell where her voice had come from. And wow, none of them looked like her at all! Caine sure hadn't made this easy for them.

After that, everyone started talking. It was people soup to Jax's ears and eyes alike, and Jax didn't even really like soup. Soup was too confusing. Soup didn't have any clear answers, except that time Caine had hidden the solution to a puzzle in a bowl of alphabet soup, which had been a cheap trick, in Jax's opinion.

Well, this was a stupid adventure already, and it had only been a few seconds! Jax could tell already that nothing interesting was going to happen. Nobody was even making any move to leave the room. He felt sick with boredom. He needed to go somewhere and do something until Caine got bored too and took pity on them.

Tentatively, he pushed himself up on strangely human legs. When they held his weight, he made a beeline out the door of the office room, barely acknowledging how familiar everything was as someone called out from behind. Obviously, he ignored them. They probably wanted to stay and … talk. Like that would be a good use of their time.

Out into the hall, past rooms lined with desks and old, flickering computers and fax machines and no dust, nothing as eroded as it should've been, but that didn't matter because Caine had no idea what he was doing anyway. And once Jax stepped out of this office building, the world beyond was sure to be just as ridiculous as the Digital Circus. Caine had no grasp on what humans even were.

But soon, unwittingly, he broke out into a sprint. Somehow, he knew where he was going. Somehow, he ended up in the bathroom again.

Silly Jax, hiding away again. Silly Jax couldn't stick to the damn script.

This bathroom was just as useless as the one at the Awards Show. Nobody would have any reason to come in here unless they were some immersion-driven NPC. Jax locked the door behind him with that in mind.

The mirror, again. This was getting so predictable it made his head hurt. He wasn't even panicking. He was just hiding—why was he hiding? Jax didn't hide. Jax poked and prodded and joked for an imaginary audience ad nauseam. He didn't have anything to hide. He didn't have anyone to hide from.

In the mirror—light, salmon hair curled like burnt cauliflower around his ears, his skin pale but splattered with unfamiliar flecks of brown across a crooked nose. Eyes an unimpressive shade of dirt brown, blue and white flannel shirt, dark gray jeans.

Jax couldn't help but say aloud, "Who the heck."

Was this what Caine thought he must've looked like? It was almost funny, how bad it was.

Strangely mortal, his heart fluttered painfully in his chest. This whole adventure was a bunch of nonsense. Why was everyone so obsessed with the idea of an exit? Now Caine had done this.

Okay. Calm down. He could play human for a few hours until Caine was satisfied. There was good fun to be had here. They probably still couldn't die or anything, so this was just a new angle of chaos to sow.

Jax would not think about this body. It was no worse than a skinny purple rabbit. It was far less effeminate, but still ridiculous enough to be comedic. Everyone else would look dumb too. He could work with that.

Cringing at himself, Jax watched the way his already-thin lips flattened further. He reminded himself to breathe.

What was this sick feeling?

Jax's skin wouldn't stop crawling, aching, as he stared at the figure in the mirror, unmoving. But he couldn't wrench his eyes away.

Thin, as far as he could tell, but he still felt nauseatingly broader and firmer, as if stretched out to the sides.

He didn't mean to push a hand under his shirt, trailing up a soft abdomen, up to a chest tight and flat. He sighed, swallowing and watching the way his jaw moved and his Adam's apple bobbed.

This was so disgustingly human.

But Caine wouldn't … ?

Jax's stomach twisted violently, and he nearly gagged as his fingers found the warm metal button of his pants. Caine couldn't even conceive of sexual organs in the first place. Surely …

Nothing. Okay.

A sharp, uncharacteristic giggle escaped him, echoing through the empty bathroom and off the pale white walls. He clapped a hand over his mouth, stifling it.

Get it together, Jax.

Right. Okay. He had chaos to sow.

Deep breaths.

Hold on—let’s try another take. 

You are Jax. You are a purple rabbit who torments people for fun. 

You're not purple right now, nor a rabbit, but you're still Jax in the Amazing Digital Circus. You're just Jax, and you're wrapped in a human meatsuit.

It didn't take him long to find the others again; they hadn't moved much, and were still making people soup in that boring old office room. Fumbling to plaster a smile onto his new, uncooperative face, he hopped on through the door.

"Oh, Jax!" said Kinger from the body of a very, very old man with wispy grey hair and … a monocle? "We were just looking for you!"

Jax pulled his lips up into a grin. "No. You were?"

Ragatha nodded. "You just sorta ran off," she explained. He could connect her voice to her face this time: dark, even skin, and even darker hair. She was short and curvy with an intensity about her. Jax didn't buy this for a second. Ragatha had to have at least been tall.

He laughed. "Nice to know I'm not the only one Caine caged in such a dumb physical form."

"I think she looks pretty," Gangle interjected, and it was so weird to see her voice come out of an actual human woman rather than a pile of red ribbons. She, unlike Ragatha, was tall, slouched over herself, short brown hair a messy shell around her head. She had … a lip piercing? As she stood idle, Jax saw it twitch as she probably flicked her tongue over it in her mouth.

He almost forgot to formulate a witty insult in return. "Unlike you," he tried, and he didn't cringe at himself, but someone made a face at him, which was punishment enough.

"Don't listen to him," Zooble said. They were wearing one of those really long dresses Jax associated with conservative girls, but they were standing like a street thug. Fun!

Conversation ensued. Lots of "Should we really be here? It seems too realistic" and "What do we even do now?" and even "Let's call for Caine" (which Jax couldn't bring himself to argue against). Calling for Caine yielded no response, so that left them stuck for the time being. To be expected. Time to have fun!

Through the halls again, this time with a bit more awareness—Jax let himself ease into his usual persona despite his horrifying physical appearance, and very much ignored how Pomni and Ragatha kept looking at him funny. God, that all had happened yesterday! New day, new him. At least the others had no idea what embarrassing nonsense he'd been up to yesterday. Should've just been Pomni, but she had to tell Ragatha.

Jax wasn't sure what he had expected out of stepping out of the C&A building, but it wasn't a busy street bustling with real human activity. It felt sort of like when you're watching Blue's Clues and Steve Burns shows up on screen, which Jax totally didn't have significant experience with.

It was … strangely dull.

Sure, meticulously aligned trees dotted the verge of the road, just as regular as the greys and beiges of the buildings along the street. The sky was blue, and there were even birds chattering away somewhere in the distance.

Mundanity crashed into him like a gloink straight to the face.

Even the smell of the streets was familiarly boring: cigarette smoke, something rotten, grass, the burnt smell of the coffee shop next to the C&A office building.

None of it was half as artificially sharp, pleasant or unpleasant, as the Digital Circus … normally was. Just how much had Caine stepped up his game? This was new, for sure.

"I wonder if we can bleed now," Jax said, voicing his first thoughts.

"I wouldn't be surprised," Zooble said, "but don't get any funny ideas."

"Me? Funny?" Jax shot a grin at Pomni, then looked back at Zooble. "Never. I'm the most serious guy to ever live. Cross my heart and hope it doesn't spurt red all over the pavement."

"I didn't need that mental image. Keep your gruesome suicides to yourself."

"Speaking of mental images, I really do wonder what you and Gangle cou—"

"No," Zooble interrupted him, "we're not talking about this."

Gangle looked between them, still playing with her newfound piercings. "We could what?"

Jax had to give it to them—Zooble looked legitimately torn. Eventually, they sighed and said, "I'll tell you later. When we're … alone."

Any opportunity Jax would've had to poke fun at that turn of phrase was ruined when Ragatha jumped in with, "So, where are we headed? We can't just spend our whole time standing here in the middle of the sidewalk …" As if to punctuate her words, a very human-like NPC walked right into Pomni, knocking them both down. "Even if we don't follow the adventure story Caine probably set up for us, we should find somewhere to sit."

Pomni, after dragging herself to her feet and apologizing profusely to an NPC who could not even consciously register her words, nodded in relieved agreement. "It'd be nice to find somewhere to sit down. Eat some slightly more … convincing digital food, maybe."

It turned out nobody really knew their way around anymore. Everyone acted like they must have forgotten the real world, but Jax thought Caine just had no way of knowing where everything really was. At best, this was all an educated guess. Not that it mattered in the first place.

Zooble seemed roughly aware of where they had worked, which was a step above everyone else (except Pomni, Jax suspected, but she seemed to be deep in thought). It wasn't too far from C&A, so down the street they went.

Jax took the time to really take in everyone's appearances. They were all … for lack of a better way of putting it, surprising. That was all, really.

He'd never have expected Gangle to look like … that. Or for Ragatha to be short. He wouldn't have expected himself to have red hair and freckles either, but here he was.

Thankfully, this wasn't what he had looked like in the real world. Not that that mattered.

… What had he looked like?

No.

Try again!

You are Jax, a purple rabbit in low-cut overalls, and that's all there is. 

Zooble's choice of workplace to bring them to was none other than a coffee shop. Bartender, tattoo artist, barista … Zooble had to see how funny this was, surely?

But before Jax could crack a mildly offensive joke, Zooble had already pushed their way in through the door, and everyone else followed in after, and a great solemn wave washed over everyone that made Jax feel very inclined to shut up, for some reason.

Of course, that meant shutting up was a horrible idea. What had he meant to say, again?

"Ah, Zooble. Of course you worked here," Jax said, not really sure why he'd been thinking that. His thoughts had evaporated into the coffee-scented wind.

Zooble didn't even grace him with a response, busy walking up to the front as they were. They paused near the front counter, clearly hesitating to step into the employees-only area. Figures.

"Go on, Zoob, what's the worst that can happen?" Jax called, hand cupped next to his mouth to amplify the sound, as he slipped into a corner booth, followed by Kinger.

Pomni sat down across from him; deep brown eyes took him in, somehow no less wide than they usually were. "Can you at least try to have sympathy here?"

"Sympathy? Who's that?"

"Ha ha," Pomni deadpanned.

She was getting far too comfortable with him. He needed to do something drastic to get her off his back.

… Jax did not, in fact, do anything drastic at all.

Ragatha came a moment later and sat down next to Pomni, pushing her further into the booth and closer to the window. "Zooble's still chatting with the kind woman behind the counter. I ordered us some coffee and snacks, and they should be ready soon. I hope you don't mind—I don't really know what you like, so I just got—"

"… Thanks, Ragatha." A peculiar look crossed Pomni's face. "Anything's fine, I promise."

With Zooble (and by extension Gangle) otherwise occupied, and Kinger swatting at flies with very little mental presence, Pomni and Ragatha were left across from Jax, and boy did they love their awkward silences.

Jax didn't want to talk to either of them. At all. Least of all here.

Ragatha's expression betrayed her far less than it usually did, but Pomni's eyes were as expressive as ever, piercing as if she sought to till him until she could plant the seeds of a good person. Which was a useless endeavor, sort of like trying to grow an apple tree out of a tub of metal shavings.

"I know I'm gorgeous, Pompom, but I'd prefer if you used your words." His stomach twisted violently for entirely no reason.

"Jax—" both Pomni and Ragatha said at once.

He gave them a warning glare, though he doubted it came across as threatening at all in this ridiculous human form. "I don't wanna hear it."

They made eye contact with each other, Pomni drumming her fingers on the table. Eventually, they both shook their heads, then looked back at him.

Thankfully, a voice called out from the front, "Agatha?"

"… Agatha?" Pomni snickered as Ragatha slipped out of the booth and up to the counter.

"I mean, it isn't that far off."

"Okay, Jack."

Somehow, that name sent a wave of disgust through him so intense he nearly fell out of his seat.

When Ragatha came back with the coffee and snacks, it was with Gangle and Zooble in tow—and wow, Zooble looked entirely dejected. Big whoop. They'd practically asked for it. At least they were no longer wearing that dress—from the looks of it, they'd hacked off the bottom of it and fashioned a frumpy shirt out of what remained, and now they were wearing jeans. That was something to be happy about. Maybe they should focus on that instead.

Busying himself with snacks (not coffee because he really didn't trust Ragatha's coffee order), Jax didn't listen to everyone else talking about how Zooble's coworkers were kinda weird and didn't remember them and maybe these weren't the right coworkers or the right coffee shop? But they thought it was the right one? But maybe Caine had mixed things up, right? But like, it was all so lifelike, and so similar to their memory, so why—

Okay. He listened.

But like, whatever. It didn't mean anything to him. This was just a waste of a perfectly fine adventure.

When they finally left the coffee shop, Gangle was in tears and Pomni and Zooble were both strangely quiet. Ragatha, as usual, kept trying to cheer everyone up, which just made Jax want to reach over and strangle her. He had a suspicion it would hurt more than usual in this specific simulation.

Kinger was the best Jax had here, somehow.

"So, Kinger," he tried as they walked down the street to who-knows-where. "How's this gnarly physical form treating you?"

Jeez, he couldn't even think of something mildly insulting to say. He was losing touch.

"I'm physical?" Kinger answered, reaching up to touch his face as if deeply alarmed by the prospect, which was so real if you asked Jax. "Wait, I am!"

Jax needed to cause some chaos, but for some inexplicable reason, he couldn't bring himself to so much as reach out and push Gangle over.

He was so bored.

"So, where are we headed?" he asked, louder this time, playing deliberately oblivious to the tension tying the whole group together like a bow on a gift. "Still wanna see your friend, Pomni?"

Pomni stopped in her tracks, and Gangle ran straight into her from behind. "Uh—"

"We don't have to," Ragatha was quick to assure her, helping her up but strangely not Gangle, who pushed herself to her feet with a small sniffle.

"No, no, I want to?" Pomni said.

That upward inflection wasn't doing her any favors. Jax probably would've teased her about it if he didn't feel so damn sick. Those snacks weren't agreeing with him—that's what it was. That and boredom.

His body felt wrong. Surely everyone else felt this too? Something was probably wrong with the programming.

"I'm just worried," Pomni continued, as if that wasn't the most obvious thing in the world. "I mean, what if the exit was real? What if … this is the world we left? And we just don't …" She paused, giving Zooble a guilty look.

"No, I've been wondering the same thing," Zooble admitted. "I … I hope this isn't real. But no matter how much I think about it, I can't remember how I used to look. Or the faces of my friends, their names … only that we existed, and that we were friends." They stopped at an intersection, pressing the call button a few too many times, and everyone else came to a halt behind them. So they were still following Zooble. Interesting.

An NPC next to Jax gave them all a very strange look before going back to their phone. This had to be weird to overhear.

"This definitely isn't real," Jax reiterated, eager to put an end to this conversation. Had none of them even thought to test the Circus' censorship? Pull their pants down, and—

Well, digital or not, that was probably still illegal to do outside and a bit embarrassing.

And Jax would be really fucking pissed off if this was real. For starters, he didn't look like this. He may not remember what he had once looked like, but this was just … wrong. On some fundamental level. Why didn't the others notice how wrong it all was?

These broad yet thin, freckled hands. The way his shirt sat on his shoulders.

Years ago, he must've been something else, for sure.

Start again.

You are a purple rabbit in low-cut overalls named Jax. Your home is the Digital Circus, and you torment people for fun. 

Right. No use in thinking about that.

Wait …

"F[BOINK!]k," Jax said. "There. Pomni already did that ages ago. God, could any of you get dumber?"

Everyone looked at him like he'd grown a third ear.

"I've never heard you swear before," Zooble said after a moment. Gangle slowly nodded in agreement.

Pomni, on the other hand, was far more unfazed. "It's sorta far away," she said.

"Sorry, what?" Ragatha said.

"To my friend's place. … I still know where it is, I think. Maybe."

"Oh, haha, right." Ragatha really needed to get better at her fake laughs.

Apparently—and Jax learned this entirely against his will—Pomni's friend liked to decorate their lawn with … something. But it was distinctive and not purely seasonal. Pomni was confident she'd be able to tell which house it was once they got to the correct neighborhood, which she had a loose idea of the direction of.

Walking through the city, Jax made a game of tripping as many NPCs as he could manage, but the knot in his chest only seemed to tighten with each. It didn't help that the others were fully ignoring him by now.

Outside was weird. He had no way of knowing how much was his less-than-perfect memories and how much was Caine's own fault, and frankly, he didn't want to know. Scents and sensations and feelings seeped in through his skin, embedding themselves entirely uninvited and refusing to let go.

So he breathed. Kept walking. Tripped some NPCs because they were just that: NPCs. Kept cracking jokes at everyone else's expense like his life depended on it, because it did.

Start again.

You are Jax. You are a purple rabbit.

You are Jax.

You're the funny trickster archetype, and you'd better start fucking acting like it.

Pomni wiped her hands on her shirt as they entered some extremely cookie-cutter suburbs. "It should be somewhere around here," she said, eyes darting down the street and up again.

"What, you don't remember?" Jax teased.

Several deadpan stares pierced his face until he felt somewhat like Gangle. Unfortunately, he didn't have the cool pieces of metal in his face to match.

"… It might take us some time to find it," Zooble said gently.

They weren't wrong. Houses were identical from here on out for as far as the eye could see. It was almost like Caine had copied and pasted the exact same house asset ad infinitum instead of bothering to make a clear out of bounds. Jax half suspected they'd get stuck here forever, or maybe walk into an invisible barrier somewhere.

Two stories, squares of artificial turf, carefully manicured shrubs, cars parked in driveways. The streets were entirely deserted save for them, and the background chirp of birds, the low hum of car engines, everything had all but vanished.

So they walked. Jax wasn't sure why he was even tagging along at this point, other than to see how much this would ruin Pomni.

It had to have been forty minutes before a house manifested that was very slightly different from all the rest. By then, Pomni was already rambling incoherently to herself, and Jax was being a dear and tuning her out to the best of his ability. To his credit, nobody else had made a move to say anything either.

"Ducks," Kinger said suddenly. Jax turned to direct his line of sight to where Kinger was, more bored than anything.

Ducks, yeah. Lots of them. Little wooden ducks with flaking paint stuck on stakes through the ground like garden gnomes. Someone clearly had a thing for ducks.

"Hey, Pomni," he said, gesturing behind him with a thumb. "This your place?"

"My friend's—" Pomni paused. "… Yeah. This should be it. I think."

As they approached, Jax crouched down next to one of the wooden ducks and poked it. "Scared, Gangle?"

"Why would I be scared?" Gangle asked, very poorly hiding her terror.

As if in response, the wooden duck quacked faintly, soon cut through by the sharp sound of Pomni's knocks on the door, then the added ringing of the doorbell.

The person who answered was … a woman.

A generic one for who-knows-what corner of the United States they lived in (Jax wasn't even sure anymore), with her frizzy brown hair and absolutely average build and height and beige sweater and blue jeans. Very boring. Not the horrifying monster Jax had been hoping for, but he could make do.

"Heyyy," Pomni said. "Uh—"

"Can I help you with something?" the woman asked, brown eyes scanning over each and every one of them, confusion written on her face.

Pomni paused. Looked at the woman, seemingly really took her in from top to bottom. Nibbled on her lip for a few moments.

The woman started, "Sorry, but if you—"

"J-Julia," Pomni tried. "No …"

"Maria," said the woman, crossing her arms. "Do we know each other?"

Pomni laughed awkwardly, twisting a coil of hair around a finger. "Something like that. High school, you know?"

Maria smiled. "Yeah … high school."

"Do you mind if we come in for a bit? Catch up, you know … ?"

Ragatha chose that moment to interject, stepping forward right into the space next to Pomni in the doorway. "I'm not sure that's a good idea," she said with very transparent false levity. "We have places to be, right, Pomni?"

"We do?" Pomni said, looking back at the rest of them.

Jax shrugged. Zooble shrugged. Gangle tilted her head to the side like a confused dog. Kinger kept counting ducks.

"I guess we do." Pomni took a small step back. "Uh, thanks for your time. It was … nice seeing you." Her voice wavered at the end.

"You have a good day!"

Maria, as she had called herself, shut the door just as Kinger finished counting out the ducks.

"Duck fifty-three, duck fifty-four, duck fifty-five, duck fifty-six …" He paused, leaning in close to the last. "Goose!"

Soft sobs filled the silence that came thereafter. Jax busied himself poking the ducks again, wondering which one was secretly a goose because he hadn't been looking close enough. Jesus Christ, his hands were so sturdy. He swallowed the discomfort and poked some more.

Either way, Pomni found comfort in the others, even understanding in Zooble. Something about how this wasn't how she remembered her friend, but she was so similar at the same time, and honestly, what had she expected?

Eventually, Jax found his escape not far away from this so-called Maria's house. Or, well, their future escape.

Car. They needed a car, of course. Jax's feet were sore and Kinger probably wouldn't make the several hour walk back to C&A, not that that mattered, but it was a good excuse as any to hot-wire a car.

Jax knew how to hot-wire a car, just like he had the keys to everyone's rooms and could poke someone without touching them. The world just filled in the blanks around everything he did, until some wires were exposed and the engine started and he wasn't thinking about the real world at all.

"What're you up to?" came Ragatha's voice. Seemed she'd wanted to evacuate as well.

"Ensuring"—Jax slammed the driver-side door shut in one heavy motion—"our escape."

"Escape?" Ragatha echoed. "Escape from what?"

Jax huffed a small, dry laugh. "You'll see. Hop in."

"… Do you even know how to drive manual?"

No, he did not. But! He had watched a few videos about it with—

No, he didn't know. That didn't mean anything though, right? The circus would do what he wanted if he just thought about it right. He'd hot-wired the car, so he could manage to drive stick.

"Of course I know how to drive manual. Jeez, Rags, what do you take me for? A Zoomer?"

"A what?"

"Gen Z? You know, like … late nineties and onward? No?"

"I was born in eighty-two," Ragatha said.

"God, you're old. How long have you been trapped, anyway?"

How long had Jax been trapped, anyway?

"Oh, it's been too long to count. I was there for a few years before you arrived, at least."

"And you were thirty when you entered? Thank god we don't age in here."

His consciousness was probably … what? Twenty-five? Twenty-six? It didn't matter; Jax would always be twenty-two. Ragatha would always be thirty.

This was an awful conversation topic. He shouldn't have let Pomni peel him back like that yesterday; his thoughts and emotions were leaking out.

He opened the door, stepped out of the car, closed his eyes. Shook out his head.

Jax is your name. You enjoy toying with everyone around you for laughs. Nothing else matters.

"Hey, Jax," Ragatha said, hesitant.

He didn't respond, knowing exactly what she was about to start talking about. So damn predictable, as always.

"Is everything … alright with you? I mean, you don't need to tell me anything, ha …" She trailed off. "It's just been a while since I checked in."

"You do, like, hate me," Jax filled in.

"Well, you don't need to put it that way …"

Frustration sprung up in his chest that he just barely managed to crush down. "You can drop the act, Ragatha. I don't know what Pomni told you, but you and I both know it isn't anything important, so can we just move on—" Jax took a sharp breath in as he registered the others making their way closer. Quieter, yet with the same exasperation, he continued, "And we can ignore that anything ever happened. Got it?"

She had to know this wouldn't get anywhere. It was almost pathetic at this point, how willing she was to go through the same fucked-up spiel again and again as if the first time hadn't already been bad enough. Not that Jax was going to abstract like Ribbit did, but Ragatha was definitely treating him like she expected it.

"Oh, nice, a car!" Kinger said, hopping into the driver's seat.

"Uh, nope," Zooble said right after, scooting into the driver's seat after him and gently pushing him out. "No offense, but I don't trust you for a second behind the wheel."

Kinger bowed slightly in response. "None taken." He climbed into the rear row of seats, rubbing against peeling leather with a sound that made Jax want to tear his own teeth out. "So, where are we headed?"

"Jax?" Pomni said.

"Oh, yeah, no idea. I just wanted a car."

Everyone climbed in. It was a bit of a tight fit because the car had only five seats and there were six of them, so Kinger ended up sitting up front with Zooble while the rest of them squeezed into the back.

Nobody really knew when this adventure would end. It was entirely up to Caine, who they couldn't reach, so Jax would just have to wait this out. Every moment that passed, he could feel his mind ache more.

Zooble started driving, and apparently they knew how to drive stick shift just fine. Jax tried to get comfortable pressed up against the left door, but it was hard with Pomni sitting half on top of him. Her thigh was on top of his, and god, his legs were so long. Nothing different there between his real rabbit form and this awful human body.

Eyes, of course, still followed his every movement. Even Gangle had caught on now, watching him out of the corner of her eye instead of looking out the windshield even though he knew she tended to get motion sick.

He could capitalize on this audience and do something fun. He hadn't even really done anything crazy since this adventure had started. Pushed a few NPCs, talked to a wooden duck, hot-wired a car … now that everyone was thoroughly convinced of how fucking pointless this whole thing was, maybe he could rope them in to some crime.

But as they drove through the never-ending suburbs, Jax found himself lost in the evening streets, heart swelling and expanding to fill his ribcage, oozing out sickeningly sweet emotion within him that filled his lungs.

His skin crawled every time he caught his reflection in the glass window. Adam's apple bobbing with every swallow, jaw flexing. Eventually, he forced his gaze out beyond the window and onto the night-bathed streets.

Disgusting, human memories slowly pushed themselves to the surface through the goop in his chest. He knew these roads. He knew this city and he knew this sky.

He'd hot-wired a car before. It hadn't been one of his proudest moments, but at least it was his own car, and the entire time, he'd been with—

Jax is a purple rabbit. He lives in the Amazing Digital Circus and his sole function is to poke fun at the others. Nothing. Else. Matters.

Shut up. Stop thinking. Stop thinking and wait for this fucking car ride to end so he can stop sitting crushed heavy between Pomni and the door, skin even heavier on his bones, everything hurting for no reason at all.

Yesterday didn't happen. Ragatha didn't know shit. Pomni was just confused. She hadn't figured anything out about him. She didn't get him. He was Jax.

Pomni shifted uncomfortably in her half-on top of him position, elbowing him in the stomach in the process. Her elbows were sharp, and her hair brushed his neck when they turned. So human.

What an awful adventure idea this had been. At least Zooble was driving a stolen car. Knowing them, this was probably a fantasy of theirs or something.

Jax was going to jump out of the car.

… Scratch that, they were parking. Imagine jumping out of the car all dramatic-like while going five miles per hour in the parking lot.

Through the evening—because Caine had actually given this adventure realistic day-night cycles, it turned out—Jax couldn't really see where they'd parked, only that there were lots of open spots and the silhouettes of some trees. He swallowed down the bitter taste in his mouth and hopped out of the car before it had even stopped moving, going for comedy rather than drama. Pomni almost fell out with him before he slammed the door shut.

Cool, fresh air eased the stuffy, tight feeling in Jax's chest. He took a few breaths in, savoring the chill, before heading off in the direction of the trees. He walked at a completely normal pace.

This was a park. Somehow, he knew that without seeing much past the parking lot. Yet another thing he wouldn't think about, because Caine had already shown his capacity for power beyond what he was meant to have and he was probably the reason everyone acted so familiar with this surreal adventure.

Dew from the grass soaked through Jax's shoes and inundated his socks as he forced a path out the side of the parking lot, entirely ignoring the sidewalks he already knew circled through the park. He didn't know where he was going, but he had no intention of seeing anyone else until Caine had dragged them back into the Circus.

His eyes burned.

They didn't. He wasn't running away.

Somehow, he found himself on a dirt path that ran along the edge of a river. It was wide, flat, and well-maintained; a few years ago, maybe he would've gone on a morning run here with his—

He flinched, hissing at himself.

Try again! Your name is Jax.

A pathetic sob built up and released in his chest before he could do anything to stop it. He kicked the trunk of the nearest tree with all the strength he had. The shock reverberated up his leg and into his back. God, that hurt. Ow.

This was so fucking stupid. He'd already run away to freak out twice in the past two days, and now he was making it three.

He really couldn't do this anymore.

Fear lanced his heart all at once, and he took in a shuddering breath.

It wasn't working. None of this was working.

It had to work.

Jax would not abstract. He couldn't.

Everything was just so wrong. Once he was back in his digital body, everything would be okay and he could go back to being Jax as Jax was and not this horrible excuse for a human form Caine had created specifically to torture him.

When Pomni found him, his face felt puffy and wet and he wasn't crying, just standing there and staring through the gaps in the leaves at the cloudy night sky. There weren't any stars.

"Hey," she said hesitantly, "Jax."

Jax didn't jump and he wasn't surprised.

When he opened his mouth, the words didn't want to come out. He thought he might actually cry if he let himself make a sound, and he was doing such an excellent job of holding it together right now.

"Are you doing okay?" Pomni paused, taking a step forward, wet grass rustling beneath her feet. "Wait, sorry, that was dumb … of course you aren't."

Of course he wasn't alright? Just what did she think of him?

Just what did she—

This was such bullshit.

He was so fucking done. He didn't want to be here anymore. He didn't want to be in the Circus, following only Caine's daily misinformed whim. He didn't want to be trapped in this body. He didn't want to be a stupid purple rabbit. He didn't want to be like this anymore. He was so sick and tired of everything being so, so wrong, always.

A sob built up in his chest, pushing up through his throat, and he did nothing to stop it.

"Please go away," he tried—uselessly, because Pomni stayed right where she was, so human but still the exact same Pomni he'd known for months.

"Why should I go away?" Pomni asked. She didn't sound doubtful at all, not like she usually did. It was just like yesterday, like she knew so much better than him, and he was the ridiculous, pathetic one.

"There's no use," Jax managed, "to any of this."

His chest tried to heave another sob, but he managed to swallow it, taking a few steps back until his back hit a tree trunk and sliding down it instead. He could feel the dampness of the grass seeping through his pants. The bark was so rough, detailed, behind him.

"Is there ever really a point?" Pomni offered, lowering herself more gingerly onto her knees next to him. "I mean … my life felt really aimless back before the circus. I still did my best to be happy with what I had."

"You don't get it," Jax said. "You're driving yourself insane, staying attached to those … memories like this. We aren't human anymore. I explained that to you already. Why don't you—"

"Who's the one going insane?" Pomni said.

Jax managed a look through blurry eyes. She was laughing at him, silently. Bastard.

"What do you even want to accomplish by following me out here?" Jax asked again. "I've already … ruined any chance we had at friendship. And you could've just let me stay out here. You got a guilty conscience or something?"

Pomni's smile fell. She twisted her hair between her fingers again, eyes cast up to the sky. "I want a friend," she admitted, "and I don't think I'm ready to give up on you."

"You hate yourself, then?"

It took a moment, but she laughed again. "Maybe."

Silence swept over them. Jax wiped his face with a sleeve, watching Pomni for a few seconds.

She was composed—so, so far from the nervous wreck he'd first met. She was finally coming into herself, establishing her place here. Even in this unfamiliar body, she was still so her with those wide eyes and that little smile of hers, those active hands.

And she'd chosen him, for some reason. Not Ragatha, who was even more desperate for a friend than she was, or Gangle and Zooble, who were still unbelievably attached to their humanity.

"What was Ribbit like?" Pomni asked, eyes drifting down from the sky to meet his. She didn't seem bothered by his staring.

"Funny," Jax said. "Nice, I think."

"You don't remember?"

He remembered fighting, and he remembered it hurting. He never thought about much else.

He didn't respond.

"'I'll probably forget about you,' you said." Pomni clasped her hands together. "You can't … make yourself forget. That's not how it works. You won't forget about me. You'd better not."

"Believe me, I know," Jax snapped.

Silence, again. Wind rustled the leaves on the trees and Jax wanted to leave, but he didn't. He only sank farther down the tree, hands fidgeting with wet blades of grass.

"What can I do to get you do admit you're human?"

Jax scoffed. "Prove to me that it matters."

"Nothing ever matters. That's part of being human."

"Philosophical! I'm not convinced."

Pomni groaned. "Okay. Okay! Does it even matter?"

"Now you're getting me."

"No." Pomni inhaled, exhaled through her teeth, frustration visible. "You can be human, not human, whatever the heck you want. I don't care. But you still exist, and you're acting like nobody does. Do you know how messed up that is? Do you realize you're tormenting actual, thinking beings?"

He knew. It really, deeply did not matter.

"I think Gangle could be happy," Pomni continued, "to answer your question from before. She and Zooble are really close. I think … that might be all they really need, to get through this."

"Ragatha couldn't," Jax said.

"… She could. I'm sure of it."

"Kinger's insane."

"But he never stopped loving his wife, and he's still here."

"What, have you rehearsed this in the mirror or something?"

Pomni threw her hands up. "Maybe! Does it matter?"

Well, it did. There was gravity to preparing for a conversation like this. There was meaning.

Jax inhaled sharply. "I don't want to abstract," he admitted. "I don't want anyone else to abstract. I'm done with this."

"I really don't get it, Jax. Who are you even trying to preserve if you—if we don't exist? Make me understand!"

Jax fell silent.

He didn't know.

He could get up and leave right now. Walk away into the night and leave Pomni here in the grass. Walk up to the riverbank and fill his pockets with rocks and wade into the river and hope this death actually kills him.

He really didn't want to die.

"So … maybe we can be friends?" Pomni asked, hopeful in the silence.

Jax took a breath, muttering, "I'll think about it."

"That's the spirit." She elbowed him playfully, a grin spreading on her face. Slowly, it fell to neutrality.

Jax hadn't had a friend since Ribbit. He'd tried with Ragatha, but Ribbit's abstraction had split them through the middle as well.

He couldn't stop shaking.

They sat together for a while. Words built up in Jax's throat—many he didn't say, some he filed away for later. Pomni alternated between watching him and the sky, as if waiting for the clouds to part and for stars to appear on this overcast night.

If Jax was human, he was an awful one. If Jax was human, he wasn't Jax.

"I need to tell you something," Jax started, hesitant.

Already, he regretted opening his mouth. This wasn't something he wanted to say, was it? 

Pomni startled, but relaxed quickly. "What is it?"

Jax sat there a moment, mulling over the words in his head over and over like that might dull their sharp edges. "I think I'm a girl."

Pomni paused, blinking a few times, then tilted her head to the side. "Yeah, I can see that."

"What does that mean."

"Nothing, nothing." Pomni smiled. "I'm … glad you figured that out, I guess. What about … your name?"

"… Just Jax is fine for now. I don't know if …"

"We don't have to change a thing if you don't want to."

"I'm not ready."

"I get that."

Tension drained from Jax's soul. Maybe Jax, the purple rabbit, could be more than what it said on the tin. Maybe Jax could be a woman.

"Do you want to tell the others?"

"Not yet. Give me …"

"As long as you want," Pomni filled in. "But I promise they'll be okay with it. They hate your guts, but this isn't that sort of thing."

"Comforting."

"I'm just being realistic. Although now that I think about it … I don't know if Kinger actually hates you. Maybe he's a good start."

"F[BOINK]k no," Jax said. It felt good to let himself—herself swear.

This would take some getting used to. But for the first time in years, Jax felt like things were making sense.

She'd known. Of course she had.

This change …

She hoped she wouldn't regret it.

"Friends?" Pomni said, extending a hand with an awkward little smile.

"Frie—" Just as Jax was about to take her hand, everything shifted. Her very being seemed to contract as she landed hard the ground with dulled pain.

"The hell?" came Zooble's voice, disgruntled.

"Oh, hooray, we're back," Jax said flatly, taking half a second to examine her body as she drew herself to her feet.

Purple tubes of arms, gangly legs, stupid ears, round ball of a tail. Bright yellow gloves, even. She thought she liked it more this way, strangely, than the human form Caine had put her in. Maybe she could convince Caine to let her try on some new outfits …

Bright lights from all angles were already giving her a headache, but it was strangely dulled, just like the constant dread. Caine and Bubble were welcoming them back, but she tuned it out.

"Where did you guys go?" Gangle asked as soon as everybody was on their feet. Her comedy mask was somehow already broken in pieces on the floor, probably from the fall, so she sniffled to punctuate her sentence.

"Don't you want to know, Ribbons."

"We were skipping rocks on the lake," Pomni said, and Jax knew full well there was no lake, but it seemed nobody else did.

"I for one am glad we made it home without encountering the bees," Kinger said, as if anybody knew what that meant.

Ragatha looked at Jax with the same concern from earlier, and Jax wasn't particularly eager to fix that. She suspected Pomni would want them to make amends soon, but frankly, she'd already asked so much of Jax today. That could wait. Thankfully, Ragatha hesitated—and ultimately left with, "Good night, everyone! Please sleep well—we're gonna need it after all that."

Slowly, the rest drifted off to their rooms, exhausted from the long adventure. Jax waited until everyone was gone—everyone but Pomni, who stayed behind, eyes expectant. Waiting.

She had the chance to walk away and ignore Pomni. She wanted to, very instinctively. Her throat was tight, heart pounding, but she took the leap of faith and stayed.

"Friends?" Pomni tried again, extending a hand. This one was cartoony, bright red.

Jax extended her bright yellow hand in return. "Sure, Pompom … friends."

Your name is Jax, for now.

You think you might change that.