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“What makes you think you’re good enough for him?”
“Huh?”
Yang Xian narrowed his eyes at the stinky monkey in front of him. Feigning innocence? Yeah right!
“What makes you think you’re good enough to be with my brother? I mean look at you!”
Wukong blinks and confusingly looks down at himself. He checks his hands, his arms, his face. Nothing seemed wrong. Did he have something stuck on his fur?
“I bet he has lice,” Yuan Hong muttered, scrunching his nose in disgust.
“I always groom myself, don’t worry,” Wukong replied happily. If they were worried about hygiene, then that was an easy fix.
“Oh my Buddha…” Wu Long muttered.
Wukong didn’t understand what they were so stressed about. So he decides to ask them. However; he was not prepared for the verbal attacks he had to endure.
“You’re a literal beast. What do you mean you groom? What about bathing?” Dai Li asked.
“Do you even know proper etiquette? Or do you eat using your hands?” Zi Zhen added.
“What are you good at other than fighting? Do you know any talent? Skills?” Zhang continued.
“I I’m…”
“Can you do household chores? Cook or clean?”
“Um….”
“I knew it. He’s no good.”
“I can’t accept this. I’m going to object at the wedding.”
The brothers continued to talk amongst themselves, each voicing their disapproval. Wukong wanted to interject and tell them that they were worried for nothing. It was ok. It was not going to be a disaster.
“Well, it’s ok if I can’t cook. Yang Jian’s great at cooking and I only eat fruits anyways.”
Yuan Hong looked as if he was one second away from strangling Wukong.
“That’s not the point! The point is, why do you think you’re worthy of marrying our brother, huh? He’s the literal prince of the realm, Deity of War, Hunting, Water, Engineering and is the most magnanimous immortal in all the realms. Why should he choose you instead of being with someone less…hairy.”
Wukong could tell Yuan Hong was originally not going to say “hairy” but he changed it to something less “aggressive.” How thoughtful.
“Brother Yuan, you do not have to worry. I’m well aware of how amazing Yang Jian is-
“You call him by his given name?! He lets you?” Wu Long exclaimed with astonishment.
“Yeah? I’ve called him that ever since he helped me at Bibotan. He told me to.”
Chang Hao raised a brow at this. Erlang never allowed anyone to call him by his given name, unless they were a part of his blood related family. The Six Brothers themselves have never addressed Erlang as anything other than that or his titles!
It seemed Erlang was indeed serious about becoming related to Wukong.
Wukong replied, “If it’s my fur that bothers you, I could always transform into my human form you know.”
“That’s still not the issue!” Zizhen shouted.
“Then what is?” Wukong asked.
“You’re not good enough for him that’s what!!” Yuan Hong finally blurted out.
The brothers all nodded their heads and Wukong wanted to roll his eyes.
“If you all disagree, then tell me. What would make me “good enough” for him?”
At this, all of their expressions changed and they looked at each other with a sort of implicit understanding. Then, Zhi Jian said, “We’ll teach you. In fact, let’s start right now. We have a lot of work to do.”
***
“So the first thing you must be acceptable in is proper household abilities. No man wants a wife who can’t clean,” Zhi Zhen said as he handed Wukong an apron.
Wukong grabs it and ties it around his waist while asking, “Why do you assume that I’m the “wife” in this situation?”
“Oh what? Erlang Shen is the wife? Don’t make me laugh.”
Wukong held back his laughter as Zhi Zhen handed him a duster and broom.
“Here, you should start with cleaning and tidying up the space. I have kindly allowed you to experiment cleaning up MY house. Don’t break anything.”
At that, Zhi Zhen left Wukong to his own devices and the stone monkey looked around at all the shiny new items placed on top of shelves and other stands.
He first dusts the old paintings and vases, wiping them with a cloth he made and the sweeping the floor, sneezing all the while.
He was a bit confused on why Zhizhen handed him an APRON when he was CLEANING. Shouldn’t he wear it in the kitchen when he’s cooking?
He diligently completes his task and goes to find where Zhi Zhen was outside the large manor. He finds the man carving some sort of wooden statue with such expertise and focus, Wukong stayed quiet and just watched.
Suddenly, Zhi Zhen shrieked out in agony when he accidentally messed up one of the owl’s eye. Only then, does Wukong speak up and tell him the manor was clean.
“Ok, ok fine. Let me check first.”
Zhi Zhen enters his house and inspects the areas. Nothing seemed to be out of place and everything was cleaner than before.
Wukong stood to the side meekly waiting for his answer. Zhi Zhen seemed to be the type that was very meticulous. Also a bit of a scatterbrain. It was a strange combination of “too focused yet distracted” at the same time. Wukong had thought Zhi Zhen would be quite serious, but he was actually rather funny.
“Ok, seems good. I have to finish my carvings now so you should go see Chang Hao to learn how to cook. Oh wait, this painting is crooked. Oh that reminds me. And I also need to finish that report I got earlier. How could I be so forgetful?”
Wukong quietly leaves the house and places his apron neatly on the couch. However, he goes back to where the owl carving was and fixes the slight mistake he found before leaving.
Meanwhile, Zhi Zhen flew into a rage when he noticed the various amounts of monkey fur scattered in the crevices all throughout the house.
***
“Have you ever cooked before?”
“No. I’ve never needed to,” Wukong replied as he fiddled with the frying pan.
Chang Hao sighed and grabbed the pan from Wukong’s hand. He told Wukong to go find the ingredients on the cooking book and follow the instructions while Chang Hao watched.
Wukong does so easily, following the recipe and chopping up the ingredients like it was second nature. He places the ingredients into the pot, cooks it while stirring the pan of vegetables.
Chang Hao was quite impressed with his ability to cook and when Wukong presented the dish before him to taste, it didn’t taste half bad.
“Huh. I thought you said you didn’t know how to cook?”
“I never said that. You just assumed I didn’t know how to.” Wukong replied mildly.
Chang Hao felt a bit ashamed at his own behavior and secretly apologized in his heart. He allowed Wukong to leave and told him to go meet Yuan Hong after this.
After Wukong leaves, Chang Hao noticed that the stove was still turned on and there was smoke coming from the OVEN?!
He quickly turns off the stove as the fire grew stronger but discovered that the stove had NEVER BEEN TURNED ON. Apparently, the monkey king had used his Golden Eyes to light the stove and never extinguished the fire.
The oven was also filled with some sort of black goo, seemingly a failed attempt at a pastry (when had Wukong even DONE THIS? Chang Hao hadn’t even noticed!!)
At the back of the oven after the black smoke cleared away, Chang Hao saw
“Surprise Motherf*cker” written at the back.
Chang Hao no longer felt any shame for what he said to Wukong.
He curses under his breath as his house is quickly engulfed in flames.
***
Yuan Hong was exactly what Wukong expected him to be like.
Arrogant and loud. Angry all the time, especially towards him. Wukong didn’t quite understand why he was so despised by this guy. He was clearly also a “Yao Guai” celestial too!
Wukong stood there patiently before the grumpy immortal. Yuan Hong was sitting behind a desk, tapping his claws impatiently on the surface and glaring at Wukong all the while
After a while of silence, Wukong decided to take the initiative. “Brother Yuan, what are you going to teach me?”
“Hmph! I’m not going to teach you anything.”
Wukong raised a brow. Nothing? Was this some sort of test?
Then, Yuan Hong says, “If Erlang one day realizes he made a mistake choosing you and he leaves you for another, will you seek revenge?”
Of all the things Wukong was expecting, this was not one of them. He had so much trouble adjusting to such a shocking imagining that he didn’t answer for a while.
Yuan Hong took that as an affirmation and slammed a fist on the desk.
“Well, this is my warning that if you ever dare to hurt him, you’ll have to deal with me. I’m telling you right now, SUN WUKONG. Not even Guan Yin would be able to save you from my wrath. I’ll send you straight back to Yan Wang and force your soul into the 18th ring of Hell. I’ll bathe in your blood and use your staff as an ear wax remover.”
Yuan Hong then leaned forward over Wukong and said in a low voice, “If you dare to break his heart, I’ll break you into pieces.”
Even though Wukong was a bit confused by his analogy (if he cheats on Erlang he gets punished? if Erlang cheats on Wukong then Wukong should STILL get punished?!) he understood what Yuan Hong was trying to tell him.
“Don’t hurt him. I have no way to separate you two so the only thing I can do is make sure that Erlang doesn’t get hurt. Don’t hurt my brother.”
Wukong bowed his head slightly and smiled in what he hoped was a meek and humble manner.
“Yes, Brother Yuan. I understand.”
Apparently, he did and said that right thing with the right tone, because Yuan Hong calmed down and sighed out a bit of a breath of calm.
“Fine. You’re dismissed.”
***
The other visits to the other Meishan brothers were less eventful.
Wu Long seemed a bit perplexed with what he should do or say to the monkey king.
Then he pulled out a board with Xiang Qi on it and demanded Wukong to beat him over 300 rounds. If Wukong lost, then he would have to leave Yang Jian alone forever. If Wukong won, he got to marry him with Wu Long’s blessing.
It was a rather boring game for Wukong, who managed to beat him every single time. (Minus the one pity round that he allowed Wu Long to win).
Wu Long was crying at the end of it calling himself an idiot and moron, so Wukong decided to give him a hug.
Turns out, the hug was so miraculously healing, Wu Long held on and didn’t want to let go. He changed it to where if Wukong would give him free hugs in the future, he could get Wu Long’s blessing.
Wukong promised and only briefly wondered how Yang Jian would handle this.
When he went to Yang Xian and Dai Li’s place, they both struggled and finally decided that a two v one battle was the best way to go. That way, it was fair on both accounts.
The brothers were both so frustrated with his talent yet also stubbornly respected it, that they only asked him to teach them later for free.
Wukong agreed kindly and left, surprisingly leaving everyone with all limbs still attached.
***
After all the visits, Yang Jian naturally found out about the treatment that Wukong had gone through.
The fury that the Six Brothers experienced from their senior brother was enough to frighten even Nüwa herself so much that she would think twice about creating humans.
***
BONUS
“Here’s all of my credentials. My resume and here is a blood stamp if you need me to officiate anything.”
Tang looked at the war deity in front of him with an expression that resembled a deer in headlights.
“Um, thank you? I’m sorry but what is all this for?”
“I’m asking for your blessing. You’re Wukong’s master so naturally I have to ask for your blessing before I marry him.”
“Huh? M-marry?!”
Yang Jian furrowed his brows. “You didn’t know about me and Wukong’s engagement?”
“Wa-wait. YOU’RE YANG JIAN?!” Tang exclaimed.
“Yes. That is my given name. Erlang Shen is my title.”
Tang was slightly hyperventilating now.
“I-Well Wukong has talked about you often. Quite a lot but I always believed you to be a-a lady…”
At this, Yang Jian straightened his back and stated, “I might be a warrior but I assure you I can take care of Wukong properly. I can cook, clean, and give care with such attention, your disciple will never lack anything ever again. I can perform any and all household duties. And if I don’t know how to do it, I can learn.”
Tang swallowed and tried to keep himself from passing out or screaming.
“T-that’s very reassuring to hear. I just had no idea that Wukong was talking about someone like you, Erlang Shen-
“Please, call me son. I’m going to marry Wukong soon anyways, so I should refer to you as father.”
“..,what?”
“I have already prepared the dowry. Here’s the list. If you find it insufficient I can give more.”
Tang tentatively looked at the list and almost wished he didn’t.
“Erlang, I-I can’t. You really don’t have to give any dowry.”
“But I insist. Of course Wukong is worth much more than these meaningless trinkets but it seems too wrong to not give up any at all.”
Tang carefully chose his words, “Well, I agree. You shouldn’t use these to convince me. It’s like saying my disciple can be bought with money. And we both know that he’s priceless is he not?”
These words soundly persuaded Yang Jian to recant his offer of a dowry and Tang breathed a sigh of relief.
“I appreciate all of your efforts. But I assure you. This is not something I can control and if Wukong already wants to marry you, there’s not much I could do to prevent this.”
“Oh no. I was never asking for your permission. Simply your blessing.”
Tang blinked, “Pardon?”
Erlang responded, “I’ve been in love with Wukong for centuries now. And we both are done with listening to others. This union will happen. But he cares about you. And he worried that you would disapprove.”
Something about Yang Jian’s tone told Tang that he was still not asking, but rather demanding an answer.
“I have no problem with this at all. Sure, I don’t understand this. I’ve never been in love. But if Wukong wants to marry you and you do as well, then I have no objections.”
Yang Jian, hearing this, felt satisfied and nodded, gathering his documents that proved his “qualifications” as Wukong’s future partner.
Before he left, he heard Tang call out,
“Please. Don’t break his heart. He might act invincible, but he’s very sensitive when it comes to his loved ones.”
Yang Jian immediately responded,
“I would rather die than hurt him.”