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It was 8am when Maddie called with the news.
Eddie thinks he heard her asking if he was okay, but he doesn’t remember anything past the buzzing in his ears.
He passed out on his kitchen floor.
And dreamed of Buck and the last time he saw him.
Eddie makes eye contact as he licks the salt from the back of his hand before quickly drinking his shot. Only when he bites into the lime does he notice Buck’s still looking at him, glass shot still intact.
“Come on,” He bumps shoulders with his best friend, the alcohol making him feel loose, happy - even though he knows what this night is about.
“Do you want mine?” Buck asks after a few seconds, finally realizing he’s been staring for a while now.
“You want to get me drunk, Buckley?”
Buck shrugs, “Isn’t that what this night is about?”
Eddie looks back, trying to figure out what his deal is about is too hard when he’s a few drinks in, so he says fuck it and accepts the shot.
Buck is about to move to the side to give him space when Eddie grabs his wrist and, before either of them notices - before Eddie’s brain even catches up to him, he licks off the salt from Buck’s hand.
They’re so close, Eddie can hear him gasp.
From then on, the night passes in flashes.
Eddie finds himself talking to his friends and laughing until his belly hurts, hitting the dance floor with Karen and being hit on by strangers at the bar.
He drinks, he doesn’t think about the next day, he ignores the U-Haul parked in front of his house and the empty house and how the echoing makes him feel dead inside.
He drinks, he sings, he pretends to ignore the itch under his skin every time he catches Buck looking at him.
He drinks, he follows Karen to the dance floor, he dances until his back collides with someone’s chest.
“Easy there, cowboy.” Buck’s shoulders help him steady himself and he doesn’t let go, not even when the room stops spinning. “I think you had too much to drink, wanna head home?”
He scoffs, “Home.”
“Okay, we’re not gonna do that now.”
“Do what?” There’s never been too much of a height difference between them, but Eddie still has to look up to catch Buck’s blue gaze. “I just wanna dance.”
“You can do that.” Buck takes a step back, Eddie follows. “What are you doing?”
“With you.”
Buck laughs nervously, “I’m not nearly as drunk to do that, Eds.”
“Not even because it’s my last night here?”
“Eddie,” The music is loud, too loud, but he hears the whisper. He feels it.
“I’m gonna miss you. I’ll miss everyone, I know my family is there but…” He chokes on the words, tries taking a deep breath to stop himself from bursting into tears. He sees Chim and Maddie being flirty by the bar; Hen, Karen and Ravi talking animatedly not far from where they’re currently standing; he thinks about Bobby and Athena and those barbecues that he’s no longer gonna be a part of; he sees Buck, standing right in front of him with a sad frown and thinks about everything he’s gonna lose. But he thinks about what he already lost: Christopher, waiting in Texas for him. “You guys are my family too. I - I’m gonna miss you, Buck.”
“Eddie,” Buck breathes out, like the word is being punched out of him. He cups Eddie’s cheeks as Eddie grabs onto his collar and everything just stops.
The world stops spinning.
Eddie moves closer, barely an inch. “Your girlfriend is out of town.”
“How many times do I have to tell you she’s not my girlfriend?” Eddie’s eyes flutter shut when he starts caressing his cheek with his knuckles.
It’s hot, too hot to be that close, but they don’t care.
“Maybe just one more time.”
Buck rests his forehead against Eddie’s, holding him close. “She’s not. Never was.”
“That’s good.” He opens his eyes and finds a pair of blue ones already watching him.
“It is?” If they weren’t that close and so attuned to each other, Eddie would’ve missed the moment Buck’s gaze drops to his lips. But he doesn’t miss it and when he looks back up again, he waits.
And he waits for Eddie to do it. To make the first move.
But Eddie can’t.
Oh but Eddie wants. He wants so much, he craves. He’s selfish for wanting too much, he’s a sinner for what his heart desires, so he holds back.
Then someone bumps into Eddie and the world starts spinning again.
Eddie doesn’t remember getting out of the club and saying goodbye to his friends. He doesn’t remember getting home and begging Buck to hold him until he falls asleep; and Buck doesn’t bring it up the next morning when he watches Eddie take his last cup of coffee in what was his house once.
A house that watched them cry, and fight and laugh. A house that watched Christopher grow up. A house that holds too many memories. A house that was a home once and now is being left behind.
A Buck that is being left behind.
“Don’t forget to visit.” Don’t forget me, Buck doesn’t say.
Eddie claps him on the shoulder before pulling him in. They hold each other for what feels like a lifetime.
When they pull away, it’s just enough to look into each other’s eyes. “We’ll talk every day. You’ll come visit and I’ll come too, once everything’s settled.”
“I know.” Buck sniffs.
“Don’t do anything stupid, okay?” Eddie leans in just one more time and Buck holds his breath. And he waits and he waits.
Eddie pulls away almost reluctantly and Buck tries to not be too sad about it and smiles instead, but doesn’t promise anything and Eddie’s too heartbroken to call him out on it.
The last time Eddie sees Buck is through his rearview mirror, standing on South Bedford Street with tears streaming down his face.
He flies home in the middle of the night.
The sun is barely rising above the horizon when he drops to his knees in front of Buck’s grave.
The wind washes away his tears and no one’s there to hear him whisper, “I should’ve kissed you anyway.”