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Eddie Diaz does not panic. He does not panic when he gets lost in a well deep underground with no help to get out; he does not panic when a sniper targets him on an open street and almost kills him; he does not panic when he gets hit by lightning in a thunderstorm and almost loses his best friend; and he does not panic now, when he is about to go on his first date with a man.
He’s in his mid-thirties, has never had a happy, successful relationship and just spent two months spiraling through a sexuality crisis. There is nothing to panic about, really!
He looks at his watch: 6 pm. There is an hour until he has to leave the house to make it to his dinner reservation. He walks into the living room. Dries his hands on his jeans. Walks back into the kitchen to look for a distraction, maybe dishes? But no, he already did those earlier. Then suddenly he remembers: Chris!
He peeks into Chris’ room, where he is sitting slumped over his PC with his headphones on. “Mijo?”
Chris sighs and takes off the headphones. He looks at Eddie with daggers in his eyes. “What?”
“Nothing, uh,” Eddie mumbles. His hands are starting to sweat again. “What’s up?”
“I’m gaming,” Chris deadpans. Eddie nods awkwardly, and it seems Chris takes pity on him. He relaxes in his chair. “Are you nervous for your date?”
“N-o, no, I’m good,” he coughs. “I’m really good. I’m actually really excited, you know, because it’s new and, uh, exciting.”
“Mmh,” Chris says. Then, a loud knock on the door almost makes Eddie jump out of his skin. Chris chuckles. “Is that him now?”
Eddie looks towards the door, which unfortunately is not see-through. “No, we’re supposed to meet there, not here.”
The person on the other side of the door knocks again. Eddie lets Chris get back to his gaming and tentatively goes to see who’s knocking at this time of night.
He opens the door, and Buck immediately shuffles inside.
“I need your help.”
“Now really isn’t a good time,” Eddie says, but he still closes the door and follows Buck into the living room.
“I can’t decide between blue and black,” he says. He turns around swiftly and Eddie almost walks directly into his broad chest. “Wait, why is now not a good time?”
Only then does Eddie notice that Buck is holding two hangers with a dress shirt each. In his left hand a velvety, dark blue short-sleeved shirt. In his right hand a black and grey striped long-sleeved shirt. He came in wearing a black tank-top, so Eddie assumes it is quite urgent.
“The black,” Eddie says. “The long sleeves are better for the evening.”
Buck looks at him dumbfounded. A faint blush creeps up Eddie’s cheeks at the attention, and he looks away.
“You’re wearing a black, long-sleeved dress shirt.”
Eddie looks down at himself like he didn’t already know this. “Yes,” he says stupidly.
Buck takes a step closer and sniffs at him. “And your good cologne.”
“Sure,” Eddie agrees, feeling a little sick.
Buck smirks. “Eddie Diaz, are you going on a date?”
Eddie thinks about how he can deny it. He’s just visiting Pepa? He has an appointment with his bank? He always dresses up for Jeopardy?
But then the truth just falls out. “Josh set me up,” he says way too fast.
Buck furrows his brows. “Josh?! Why is Josh setting you up on dates?”
“Well–”
Eddie realises he has fucked up, because he doesn’t even—
“You don’t even talk to Josh,” Buck says. “How did this come up?”
Buck is looking at him with fire in his eyes and he’s getting a little red from the heat. It’s cute. Eddie decides to take advantage of it.
“Are you jealous of the person who set me up on a date?” Eddie smirks.
“Uh, no,” Buck huffs. He lowers the hangers and crosses his arms. Eddie notices the bulking of the biceps.
“Are you gonna break my ankle over it?” Eddie asks.
Buck’s face falters, and Eddie almost feels bad. “You’re right. Josh is allowed to set you up.”
Eddie inhales. Buck is so genuine and vulnerable. Eddie has to make a decision about how genuine and vulnerable he allows himself to be in return.
He looks at his watch. 6:10 pm. “Come on,” he ushers for Buck to go sit on the couch. “I still have about fifty minutes before I have to go.”
Buck throws the hangers over the back of the couch and sits down. “Really? Me too.”
Eddie smiles, a lump in his throat. “I’ll get beers.”
As he walks in a haze towards the kitchen and back, he thinks about how he ended up here. Josh had been pestering him for weeks since he’d run into him in a gay bar – the first and last time he went – and he’d finally said yes to a blind date.
And now he’s going on a date with some stranger while the true object of his desires is sitting in his living room flaunting his pecs.
He’s going on a date with someone else because he’s not ready for the real thing yet. He’s going, because maybe a date with a complete stranger can give him the courage to pursue… someone else. Which, as is clear, he is not ready for yet.
Maybe he’s lucky and Buck won’t even mention the date again.
“So,” Buck says, as Eddie sits down next to him and hands him his beer. “Who is she?”
Eddie takes a sip of his own beer and looks away. “Oh,” he starts, in his most normal voice. “It’s actually a blind date, so I don’t know.”
“Oh, me too, actually!” Buck says happily. “I’m trying to prove to the world that I’ve still got it.”
Eddie chuckles, hoping against everything that he can draw the attention away from himself. “Trying to prove you’ve still got it by letting someone else do the work for you?”
“Hey,” Buck exclaims. “Getting the date is easy. The real work starts after. And blind dates are normal for me. You on the other hand, would rather walk through fire naked than go on a blind date. So what’s up with that?”
Eddie avoids his eye. He shrugs and takes a sip of his beer before he says, “I’m not expecting it to go anywhere anyway.”
He can feel Buck’s eyes staring at him from the side. “Why not?”
Eddie fidgets with the label on his beer. He could be honest and say because you’re the one for me, but I need time. But he can’t say that, it would negate the whole point.
So he says the next truest thing. “It’s just kind of practice for the real thing,”
“What do you mean?” Buck says, sounding genuinely curious.
“I don’t know,” Eddie starts. He feels his heart rate pick up. He’s left the shallow end of the pool and his neck is covered in water. “I’m not really good at these things. You know I hate dating. I think I just… need a little practice before I pursue the real thing.”
Buck hums. Silence fills the room as Buck seems to be deep in thought. Eddie feels his neck burn the longer the silence lasts. He considers turning the TV on when Buck finally talks.
“I don’t think that’s a good way of looking at it,” he says. He turns around to Eddie and Eddie’s body instinctively moves with him so they’re face-to-face. “If you don’t have an open mind, you might be wasting someone’s time who wants to get to know you. At least be transparent.”
Eddie watches in real time as the ice blue eyes staring him down turn soft and shy, and he remembers that Buck has been burned too many times by people who led him on.
He needs someone who can love him loud and proud, and Eddie, Eddie wants to try so hard. He almost says fuck it and says as much, when Buck continues.
“Like me, I’m going with the absolute expectation that I’m meeting The One tonight,” he says, his eyes now bright and hopeful, the same look he has on his face when he shares a fun fact.
Eddie finds himself smiling. Buck’s hope is infectious, but it’s not really a shared sentiment. “Really? Isn’t that an unreasonably high expectation to set?”
Buck shrugs. “You know what they say. The only way to get over someone is to get under someone else,” he winks.
“Sure,” Eddie offers. “But aren’t you setting yourself up for failure if you still aren’t over someone?”
Eddie observes Buck’s eyes, his mouth, his hands, to find a clue to his feelings. When he doesn’t find clarity, he continues, “at least be honest with yourself. Is your heart really ready to open up to someone new, in all the ways you want it to be?”
Buck looks away and takes a sip of his beer. Eddie looks at the way his neck moves when he swallows, the way his lips are wet when he draws the flask away.
“Hmm, that’s a thought,” Buck says after a while. His eyes are sad when he looks at Eddie again. “Be honest with me then, Eddie, have you ever really been ready?”
Eddie hums, lets that be his answer. Because isn’t that just the issue. He wasn’t ready with Shannon. And he hasn’t been ready to love since. But what if he’s never ready and he spends all his years waiting for a moment that doesn’t come?
A comfortable silence spreads between them. Something is bubbling in the core of Eddie’s chest, in the tips of his fingers.
He almost forgets that he is going on a date with a complete stranger in about — he looks at his watch — thirty minutes.
Plenty of time for more distractions. Maybe even some tentative explorations.
He turns towards Buck. “So, you really think you’ve still ‘got it’?”
Buck raises an eyebrow. “That sounds like a challenge.”
Eddie’s heart beats. “Maybe it is.”
Buck smirks. “You want a taste, Diaz?”
“I wanna know how you’re planning on seducing your date tonight, maybe you’ve got some tips?” Eddie challenges. He sits back in his seat, watching Buck’s eyes go wild with joy.
“Oh, you’ve come to the right place,” he says. “I’ll show you everything I’ve got.”
Eddie downs his beer and plunks it down on the table. “I’m ready to take anything you give me,” he says.
“My favourite trick is this,” Buck starts. He gets comfortable on the couch, directing his body towards Eddie and letting his arm rest over the back of the couch. He finds Eddie’s eyes and something drops deep inside Eddie’s stomach. “Wait, are you comfortable?”
“Huh?” Eddie says, looking down at himself. He has been sitting in the same position since he sat down and hasn’t had a single thought about it. “Yeah, I’m good. Go on.”
Buck, however, does not believe him. “Here,” he says as he leans his entire body over him to grab a pillow that is awkwardly edged between his back, his butt and the couch. With his left arm still resting casually on the back of the couch and his right arm ruffling the pillow in Eddie’s back, Eddie feels impossibly caged in. To his right, Buck. To his left, Buck. In front of him, Buck’s tank-topped chest hair.
“There you go,” Buck says and leans back, a little red in the face. Due to his little trick, he is now several inches closer to Eddie. “Is that better?”
Eddie gives him a blank stare he hopes says very funny, you’re not fooling me.
“Much better,” he says. “Now, you were showing me a trick?”
“Oh, right,” Buck says seriously. “Trick, coming right up.”
Buck observes him again, his eyes taking Eddie apart like he’s a piece of meat. Eddie almost feels a little naked. “Are you cold?”
“Am I–?” Eddie says, baffled. “No, I'm not cold.”
Buck shrugs. “You look cold.” He inches closer yet and finally brings his arm down to engulf Eddie in a half-hug. Eddie rolls his eyes, but Buck just looks down at him sweetly, their faces now cheek to cheek. “Better?”
“You’re ridiculous,” Eddie says, failing to hide his smile. “Is that the whole trick?”
“You wound me,” Buck bemoans. “Of course not, I’m just getting started.”
“Then go ahead,” Eddie urges.
Buck looks down at him, sultry and seductive, then says, “so, you come here often?”
There’s about one second of silent eye contact then Eddie bursts out laughing. He lets his head fall onto Buck’s shoulder and gives in to the ridiculousness. He can feel Buck shaking with the same infectious laughter and looks up to be blinded by the brightest smile he has ever seen.
Would it really be so bad if he leaned in? Would it really be so bad if he wasn’t ready?
The moment he decides to lean in, Buck leans back out, a drunk smile on the tip of his tongue. “So, how was that?”
Eddie opens his mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. He coughs and tries again. “Good, very convincing.”
Buck smiles, pleased, and drinks the last of his beer. He looks at his watch, and for a moment, Eddie thinks he must be late, it feels like they’ve been on this couch forever.
“6.45,” Buck says quietly.
“Almost time,” Eddie says even more quietly, like he is afraid of letting the moment go.
Buck sighs, opens his mouth and hesitates. Like what he is about to say is a struggle. When he finally talks, it’s a whisper. “So, do you really not think I should go on that date?”
Eddie contemplates. “I can’t make that decision for you,” but what if he could? “But I don’t think you will find The One on this date if you’re still hung up on Tommy.”
“It’s not actually Tommy I’m trying to get over.”
For the past forty minutes, the tension in the room has been tight, and Eddie thinks he has kept his cool pretty well. But now, it’s like the tension breaks in a thousand small pieces, falling like rain and showering Eddie in sickness so shattering it can only be love.
“No?”
Buck shakes his head slowly, looking at Eddie with big, sad eyes.
Eddie doesn’t want to ask who. Implicitly, he knows who. Eddie knows Buck. He has known him for seven years. He also knows that Buck would never make it known to the world, say it out loud, take the first step. He would rather let it stay in the unknown, in ambiguity, let Eddie take the lead.
Eddie wants to be ready to take the step. Buck deserves for Eddie to take the step. He can’t jump in just yet, but he can take a tiny step, like a blind mouse searching for the light.
Without breaking eye contact, he says softly, “I don’t think you should go on the date.”
Buck nods, settled. “I don’t think you should go on yours, either.”
“I’ll cancel if you do,” Eddie offers.
“Deal.”
As if on cue, they both take out their phones. Eddie throws a quick text to Josh: Chris has come down with something, I have to stay with him tonight. Sorry!
He puts his phone down, leans back, breathes out, feels the relief washing over him. Next to him, Buck tenses, dries his hands on his jeans, fidgets like he wants to say something.
He doesn’t have the chance to, however, as his phone lights up with a text. He goes for it fast, like he wants the distraction. Eddie remembers his own nerves earlier in the evening and can empathise greatly.
“Oh,” Buck says. “Maddie says he just cancelled on me too. What are the odds?” He laughs nervously.
“Heh, yeah, crazy,” Eddie says distractedly. Because a tiny bell has gone off in his head at the mention of Maddie. He takes out his own phone to check and—
Text from Josh: You're lucky this time, Diaz. He cancelled too.
Eddie feels dizzy all of a sudden. “Wait, Maddie was the one that set you up?”
“Yep, she’s been all up in my business forever about meeting this guy. I guess he wasn’t all that interested either.”
All the alarm clocks are now going off in Eddie’s head. Would Josh really blow his cover to Maddie, Buck’s sister, of all people? He thinks about it some more and yes, he absolutely would. The snake.
“Uh,” Eddie says. “Did Maddie say anything else about this guy?”
“Not really,” Buck says casually, his nerves seemingly gone now that conversation is flowing again. “It’s someone who used to work at Dispatch, apparently. That’s all I know.”
“I used to work at Dispatch.”
Buck looks at him, confused. “No, you didn’t.”
“I worked in the same building, Buck,” Eddie says. “I think it counts.”
“Yes, and? What, you think Maddie would set me up with you? That’s funny, Eddie, ha ha,” Buck jokes, but there’s no humour in his eyes, and Eddie is not laughing.
“It’s just a funny coincidence, is all,” Eddie hears his voice say. “My date cancelled on me too.”
“Really?” Buck almost whispers.
Eddie’s heart is threatening to jump out of his chest. His hands are weirdly numb. It’s not a heart attack, he knows the signs, and the stars are lining up for another kind of explosion.
He looks at Buck. “The reason Josh set me up is because I ran into him in a gay bar.”
Buck blinks rapidly. “Oh,” he croaks. “So… so your blind date is a man?”
“Mhmm,” Eddie nods. “But Josh didn’t say anything about him. It could be anyone.”
“So you knew nothing about him, but said yes because you … because you wanted to practice for the real thing?” Buck asks tentatively, like he’s learning a complicated maths equation.
Eddie nods again. “Yes,” he says with all his chest.
Buck leans closer. “And after everything we’ve said tonight, do you still want that?”
His voice sounds sad, but his eyes are full of the kind of hope that Eddie wants to capture forever. “No,” he says with conviction.
Buck leans closer yet. He’s in his space now, an arm slung casually over the couch behind him, both his knees resting on the couch, pointing towards Eddie. His face is so close to Eddie’s that he can smell the toothpaste Buck must’ve used right before he came here.
What Eddie has been dreaming about for months, his body craving on sleepless nights and lonely evenings, seems to be happening right now.
Slowly, he feels the anticipation leaving, and it dawns on him: taking the romance with it.
Before Buck can lean all the way in and capture his lips, Eddie stops him with a finger to his lips. He raises his arm and looks at his watch. “Five to seven. If we get ready now, we can still make the reservation.”
Buck smiles against his finger. “Is that you asking me out?”
“I guess so.”
Buck’s voice is sultry and soft when he says, “Okay.” Eddie feels the missing touch more than he sees Buck move out of his space. “Let me just get dressed, then.”
“Okay,” Eddie repeats. “I’ll uh, say goodbye to Chris, then I’ll be there.”
Buck nods and Eddie slowly rises from the couch. It takes all his self-restraint to pull his eyes away from Buck and turn around and leave. When he’s out of Buck’s eyesight, he lets out a deep breath and shakes his hands to get himself together.
“You’re good,” he whispers to himself. “Everything is good.”
He shakes his hands one last time and quickly plops into Christopher’s room with a little knock.
“Hey, Chris,” he says to get the teenager’s attention. Chris turns his headphones off and swings around to watch him. “We’re leaving now. Turns out it actually was my date, crazy right?”
“So crazy,” Chris deadpans.
“Don’t stay up too late,” Eddie says softly, can’t bring himself to be strict. “I promise we’ll be home early, and I’m always a phone call away.”
Chris’s eyes light up at his words and he smirks mischievously.
“What?” Eddie asks.
“Nothing,” Chris grins. Eddie shakes his head, giving up, and makes to leave. “Say hi to Buck from me.”
Eddie gives him a look. “I will.”
When he returns to the living room, Buck is dressed in the black-and-silver long sleeved shirt. He smiles when Eddie enters.
“Ready?” Buck says. He holds his hand out for Eddie to take, and he does.
“Yes, I’m ready.”