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When Buck got a text from Athena a week after the funeral asking him to come over, he was midway through his 15th rewatch of Dirty Dancing in half as many days. Grief lay heavy on his chest, covering him like an ill-fitting shirt, cinching in around his chest until he could barely breathe, itching at him in what felt like a desperate attempt to draw blood. These days, he could barely remember how to take in anything more than shallow gasps of air.
Desperate to be of use to anyone, like Bobby had told him to be, Buck had his notifications turned up to full volume. He had been texting with May occasionally over the past few days, so it wasn’t entirely surprising to receive a text from the Grant-Nash household. Still, Buck stared down at the message with confusion.
‘Buckaroo – come over when you can. It’s important’
~~~
Before Buck could even knock at the front door, it was opening, and he was enveloped in Athena’s arms. He held his breath to keep from crying at the warm embrace.
“I’m glad you’re here,” Athena said as she slowly pulled back. “I have something important for you.” Before Buck could respond, she was already making her way over to the living room couch and taking a seat, watching him and clearly waiting for him to take a seat on the opposite end of the couch.
“What’s going on?” He laughed nervously as he sat, running his hands up and down his pants legs. Athena only sighed and looked down for a moment. “Come on, you’re– you’re starting to scare me here.”
Finally, she pulled out a white envelope with Buck’s name scrawled on the front and held it out to him. It took Buck a moment to realize why the writing looked familiar; Bobby. It was in Bobby’s handwriting. Buck’s hands nearly started to shake as he took the offering.
“He had a letter for each of you, you and Harry and May. In case anything ever happened,” Athena explained. “I had forgotten about them in the mess of everything until I was going through the drawers earlier today.”
Buck just stared down at the envelope for a moment. Harry and May and me, the list was on repeat in his head. Harry and May, he understood; those were Bobby’s kids, now, in the most important ways. But him? Why me? Why me and not Hen or Chim or Eddie?
Before his mind could catch up to his limbs, though, Buck was breaking the seal on the back of the envelope and pulling out the pages of a handwritten letter. Taking a final shaky breath, he began to read.
~~~
“Dear Buck,
If you’re reading this, I’m sorry. Years ago, I started writing a new letter to May, Harry and you every year, in case the worst happened and I couldn’t come home one day. It’s one of my best coping mechanisms, being able to know that even if I left you I would leave you with something. And believe me, kid, I never want to have to leave you. So many people have, and I never wanted to be one of them, even if I know I won’t have a choice in the matter one of these days. There are so many things I want to say to you, things I hope you already know, but knowing you, you don’t.
I love you, Buck. I’m sorry I didn’t say it more, God knows you needed to hear it. I would kill your parents if I thought it would do you any good – even if you and Maddie would never forgive me. You deserved to be loved, loved fiercely and wholly and not in spite of anything, not “anyways,” just because you exist, and you are who you are. Because who you are is pretty incredible.
Getting to see you grow into the man you’ve become is one of the greatest honors of my life. I’m sure you’ve heard me say over and over again how Athena brought me back to life, and that really is true, but you were also a big part of that. From that first Springsteen concert, from the day I tied your bow tie for you, from the moment you walked into the firehouse and became my family, you have irrevocably lit up my life. I think you’ve lit up every one of our lives – just ask anyone. Ask Eddie.
If this is the letter you’re reading, I’m guessing you haven’t asked him yet. And that’s okay. You worry so much about being late to all these milestones in your life, but you’ve got so much beautiful time, still. And I’m pretty sure he would wait forever for you if that’s what you needed. Maybe you don’t see it yet, but if you’re reading this letter, then I want you to do one last thing for me: admit to yourself that you love Eddie, and then tell him. I have a feeling you both need each other more than ever right now. And when you do finally work up the nerve, there’s paperwork already filled out in the bottom left drawer of my desk. All you need to do is put in the dates and sign it. Be brave, kid. I promise you, it’s worth it.
There’s so much to say, so many things I wish I could say to your face, but I don’t know if death will afford me that chance. I’m sorry, Buck. Sorry for so much.
I’m sorry I had to leave you. I wish so much that I would never have to. I’m sorry that this world has broken you so many times, and that I couldn’t protect you from it. I’m sorry that this time I’m the one breaking you. We all have to be broken at some point, but God, I wish it were softer for you. I wish I could be there to hold you through this.
I’m sorry that you spent so long thinking you weren’t good enough – sorry that I ever made you feel that way. From the moment I met you, I cared about you in a way I hadn’t in so long and it scared me. Loving you scared me for so long, and then that turned into the fear of losing you. Those 3 minutes and 17 seconds are tied for the worst moments of my life. Loving you awoke something in me I hadn’t felt since my first family died. And I know I never worked up the courage to tell you, but you’re such a good kid, Buck. You’re my kid.
For so long, I never thought I’d get to see my son grow up, or fall in love, or have his own kid, or walk him down the aisle. And then you waltzed into my life with no idea what you were doing, but always trying so hard, so desperate for love, and suddenly I couldn’t let go. And now I’ve gotten to see you do all but one of those things – though perhaps not in the order I thought you would do them. If you ever lose sight of who you are and where you belong, just look at Chris, and I think you’ll remember just fine, just like how I knew every time I looked at you that I was right where I was meant to be. He’s yours, just like you’re mine. And you’re his, just like I will always, always be yours. I’m just sorry I’ll never get to walk you down the aisle. That’s okay, though. I think we both know I gave you away to Eddie and Christopher years ago. Athena promised to walk you down the aisle for me if you want it.
I love you, kid. Even from beyond the boundaries of life. If there is anything after, I’ll love you there, too.
Yours,
Bobby”
~~~
Buck can’t breathe. Can’t think. He’s pretty sure he’s having a heart attack, even though logically he knows he isn’t. Yours.
Yours, yours, yours.
It runs through his head, over and over again. Bobby and mine and I’m his kid and his, his, his. For so long, Buck hadn’t really ever belonged to anybody. Maddie, maybe, but then that had ended, too, and it’d been just him against the world. And then there had been Bobby, and soon Hen, and Chimney, and then Athena, and then Maddie again. And then Eddie. He didn’t know whether to count Eddie, really, or not, because yeah, Buck belonged to Eddie, but he wasn’t really his. Not how he longed to be, at least.
“Buck?” Athena’s concerned voice drew his attention across the couch. When he made eye contact with her, finally, he saw her eyes solemn and tear-filled. His own, he realized, were already leaking.
“Y-yeah,” he managed to push out before being caught in a sob. God, he thought, this is not taking care of them like Bobby wanted me to. Still, he couldn’t seem to stop crying for the life of him.
“Oh, sweetheart,” he heard Athena say before he felt arms wrap around him. “He loved you. I love you. We all do. And I don’t know what’s going on in your head, but he would’ve wanted us to have each other in the aftermath of something like that. We all need each other, Buck, and we can’t have you if you won’t ever let us in close.”
“I don’t–” Buck choked out, “he told me everyone would need me. But I don’t feel like anyone does.”
“Oh, darling, we all need you. We need you just exactly as you are, though, not some phantom you that you think you have to be.”
For a long time, it was quiet in the Grant-Nash house except for the sounds of soft cries from its two current inhabitants. After a long time, Buck finally pulled away, slowly nodding.
“I think – I think I have to be somewhere right now. I – I have to do something — something Bobby would be proud of.”
Athena’s eyes shone again, this time equal pride and sorrow. She reached a soft hand up to stroke Buck’s cheek. “You go and get him.”
~~~
When Buck returned home, he opened the door to find Eddie slowly moving around the kitchen, waiting as a block of frozen soup melted on the stove. He could hear the sounds of Chris playing a video game in his room further inside. It was so simple, to come home (home) after a hard day and see Eddie (his) cooking food for the three of them (theirs). Suddenly, Buck was on his knees in the front hallway. The sound of him hitting the floor must have drawn Eddie’s attention, because suddenly he was turning around and Buck was looking right into his concerned face.
“Buck?” Eddie was striding towards him, “what are you–”
“Marry me.” It was out before Buck could even think. Eddie froze a mere few feet in front of Buck. Fuck. He was getting this so wrong. Still, he couldn’t stop now. “I mean – I think you should marry me.”
“Buck–”
“No! I mean, no, just. Just hang on, okay?” Eddie slowly nodded, still half frozen, and Buck let out a long breath. “Athena gave me this letter, from Bobby, from before – apparently he wrote some in case – you know – one for– for each of his. Well. His kids, I guess,” Buck could see Eddie’s eyes soften, but then he looked down at the floor again. “But that’s not – that’s not important right now! He just – he said – a lot. And he, he said something about how I lit up people’s lives or something, and how if I didn’t believe it, I should ask you. And I guess– I think this is me asking you. Or maybe, maybe not in the way Bobby meant but – but I’m really, really, hopelessly in love with you, I think I might always have been, and Bobby knew, and Maddie, and, God, even Tommy, and I’m pretty sure everyone I’ve ever met has known because there is really not a single piece of me that isn’t yours, that hasn’t been touched by you, that doesn’t love you. You’re – you and Chris, you’re my whole life. You’re mine. Or, I guess, I’m yours. In any way you’ll have me.” Buck finally looked up. “So, I guess, uh, I – yeah. I want to marry you. And so I’m – I’m asking. Eddie. Marry me.”
“Buck,” Eddie’s voice and eyes were so soft, so caring, for a moment Buck was sure he was about to say yes. Eddie took a step closer before pausing, one hand reaching out toward Buck. “Wait,” Eddie’s hand brushed Buck’s cheek, so similar to how Athena had and yet so different. “Wait right here, just – just one second.” Quickly, Eddie drew his hand back and retreated, opening the door to Chris’ room before entering and closing it behind him. Buck was left there, frozen, kneeling on the hard wood floor for what felt like an eternity but must have only been a few minutes. He could vaguely hear hushed voices coming from Chris’ room, unable to make out any of the words before the door opened and Eddie appeared again, right fist clenched by his side. Oh no, Buck thought. That was not a good sign.
Before he could process much more, Eddie was back in front of him, dropping to his own knees a mere foot away from Buck, face swaying closer as he adjusted his positioning to look Buck in the eyes.
“I, um,” Eddie sounded out of breath, and his eyes were glossy with unshed emotion. “You know me,” Buck nodded stupidly, “you know how bad I can be with words. But, uh, I – I think it’s important that I say this part, so I’m gonna need you to listen and not interrupt for a second, okay, bud?” Again, Buck nodded as if he was in a trance. Really, he thought, he would say yes to anything Eddie ever asked of him. “I love you. And not in a, you know, friend kinda way. Or, yes, in that way, but – but also more. Also I haven’t been able to stop wanting to kiss you and hold you and –” Eddie looked like he was about to say more before a quick glance to Christopher’s cracked open door seemed to dissuade him. “For months. Since I had to say goodbye to you to leave for Texas, at least, but I think probably for years before that without me even noticing. Because I always want to be closer to you. Always have, always will. And I’m – I’m yours, Buck. We’re yours. In every way that matters. And I want everyone to know it. I want to be able to say it out loud, to hold your hand in front of everyone I’ve ever loved and everyone who ever made me cry, want to tell the whole world how happy you make me, even when the world feels so dark, even now. So, um,” Eddie breathed out for a moment, steadying himself, before he held out his right hand, still tightly coiled in front of him. When he still didn’t continue after a moment, Christopher’s door creaked further open and the sound of his crutches against the wood floor made both men turn their heads. For once not wearing his classic annoyed teenager face, Chris made his way across to stand in front of his parents.
“Dad was supposed to tell you after our trip to the zoo this weekend. Something about wanting it to be perfect. But –” he addressed Buck, “what he’s trying to say is that we love you. And we – Dad, stop holding it like you’re gonna punch something – we got you something, because you’re ours, and we wanted you to always know.”
Buck looked down, then, to see Eddie’s hand unfurled between them. In his palm rested a small metal necklace. When Buck leaned closer to inspect it, he nearly choked on his own breath. It was of Saint Christopher, identical to Eddie’s.
“You guys…” Buck let out in a whisper, “I don’t even – Thank you.”
“I wasn’t going to propose with it, but –” Eddie cleared his throat. “Well, we can’t wear rings at work, anyways, but you can’t really expect me not to get you engagement jewelry –”
“He’s way too traditional for that,” Chris quipped. Eddie shot him a look that probably wasn’t half as sharp as he intended it to be.
“Anyways. I thought – you just, didn’t exactly give me time to prepare, and then I remember this and I just thought –”
“It’s perfect,” Buck said, hand already reaching out to gently take hold of the pendant.
“Look at the back,” Chris encouraged.
Buck turned it over in his palm. On the back, in small cursive font, were the words, ‘Our Buck. ~ E+C ’. Buck couldn’t help but grin. Because finally, he really was theirs.
“Help me put it on?”