Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Harry Wells is particularly pissed off today.

He and I met each other in the lounge early this morning, and his hair was uncharacteristically messy from sleep. l thought it was adorable, of course, but I’m pretty sure he wasn’t intending it. He also had a look in his eyes that could melt steel. It didn’t help when I accidentally got in his way a couple of times. Each time, he fixed me with a stare that made me want to hide under the bed.

Now, he’s pacing back and forth in the Cortex, his boots thumping against the Epoxy floor, his hands on his hips, his face hard and his eyes blazing behind his glasses, and my, Caitlin Snow and Cisco Ramon’s heads are moving back and forth as we watch him.

“Ugh, Harry, would you stop pacing?” Cisco says loudly from his spot, sitting at the desk with a bag of pretzels in his hand. He rolls his eyes. “You’re starting to give me whiplash.”

“Then stop watching,” Harry growls at him and continues pacing.

Cisco stares at him and then pretends to growl back.

“What’s wrong, Harry?” Caitlin chimes in, leaning against the metal railing in front of the desk and crossing her arms. She fights a smile.

Harry shifts his icy blue eyes to her and grins bitterly. “Nothing’s wrong, Snow,” he says tightly. “Nothing at all.” His grin promptly drops and he glares at them before striding out of the room. We all stare after him.

“Okayyy,” I say, dragging the word out.

Cisco sighs and shakes his head. He puts his feet up on the desk. “I swear, you put him and a moody teenager in the throes of angst in the same room together, and you wouldn’t be able to tell them apart.” He pops a pretzel into his mouth.

Caitlin smirks at him. “He may be gruff at times—”

“Okay, that is the most generous thing you’ve ever said,” Cisco cuts her off, gesturing at her with the bag of pretzels.

“But at least he’s not anything like the last Wells,” Caitlin finishes pointedly.

“That’s for sure,” Cisco mutters, looking down at the floor. “Good and bad.”

I hesitate. It’s not the first time they’ve mentioned the “last Wells”, the version of Harrison Wells they spent years with before I ever met them, the one that first trained Barry and helped make him the Flash, the Wells that may have not even been Wells. And I have to admit, I’ve been dying to know more. So I lean forward in my chair next to Cisco and rest my forearms on the desk. “Uh, guys?” I begin tentatively.

Caitlin looks at me and smiles gently. “Yeah, honey?”

“What’s up?” Cisco asks around a mouthful of pretzel.

I mash my lips together. “Um…I don’t want to upset you or anything.” Yeah, it’s a little late for that. “But…I’d like to know. What …what was the other Wells like? I mean, Thawne?”

A moment of silence follows that makes me tense. I’m about to rescind the question when Caitlin and Cisco exchange a glance and then look resolutely at me.

“Hold on to your seat, girl,” Cisco says, laying the bag of pretzels onto the desk and leaning back. “You’re about to go for a ride.”

Chapter Text

Caitlin and Cisco give me all the grisly details.

The real Harrison Wells was a renowned scientist, just like Harry. He was planning on establishing STAR Labs. However, seventeen years ago, he was murdered in a brutal car accident, along with his wife, Tess. Except it wasn’t really an accident. Eobard Thawne, a man from three hundred years in the future, another speedster, killed the real Wells in order to become him.

I really just don’t know anything anymore.

Thawne somehow stole Wells’ face and body, stole his life. He left the poor man to die in the middle of the road with his innocent wife, both of them bleeding out on the pavement. For fifteen years Thawne established himself as Wells, created STAR Labs, building a reputation of extreme prestige and innovation. He hired Caitlin and Cisco, as he was impressed with their credentials, and even became their friend. He gained their trust, invented the Particle Accelerator with their help. But it exploded, causing Cait’s fiancé to—seemingly—die, causing Thawne/Wells to become “paralyzed”, though he wasn’t really, and causing massive citywide destruction and the ultimate creation of metahumans. The creation of the Flash, which, as it turned out, was Thawne’s plan all along.

Barry and the others discovered that the Accelerator explosion wasn’t quite the “accident” Thawne had claimed it to be. He’d planned it, so that Barry Allen would become the Flash. Thawne had originally intended to go back in time and kill Barry when he was 11 years old, to prevent him from becoming the Flash entirely. But he then realized he was stuck in this current time, and the only way back home was for the Flash to exist.

Whoops.

So Thawne “saved” Barry, with Caitlin and Cisco’s help. He trained Barry. Helped him become the Flash. He was Barry’s mentor. He became like a father-figure even. Until the Team started putting two and two together, and Thawne’s deception was revealed. Apparently Barry is Thawne’s greatest enemy, and Barry never even knew it. Thawne lied for years and years and created an elaborate setup just to get lightning in Barry’s veins. He murdered people and hurt people just so he could get what he wanted. He also told Cisco—who eventually also learned through Harry’s…persistence—that he had powers as well, that one day he would embrace his darkness and join him. I could never imagine Cisco being evil, or hurting anyone, but Thawne tried to convince him that’s all he would be. Because Thawne was evil.

“So what happened,” I begin, my voice weak and horrified, “seventeen years ago? Since he didn’t kill Barry? I mean, did he just …walk away? Decide to go on this…new path?”

Caitlin and Cisco’s faces fall. They exchange another glance. Caitlin looks at me again and opens her mouth to answer, but then a different voice says, “Not quite.”

I, Caitlin and Cisco turn around to face the doorway. Barry’s standing there, leaning against it, a rueful smile on his face. “I forgot my jacket,” he informs them. He meets my eyes, his own heavy with sadness. “No,” he says softly. “No, Thawne didn’t exactly walk away that night. He made sure to leave a mark first.”

My heart drops at the tight restraint in Barry’s voice. At the deeply rooted pain settling in his eyes. I brace myself.

Barry says, very carefully, “He…he murdered my mother. Stabbed her right through the heart.”

My knees go weak. My veins turn to ice.

Barry swallows hard. Caitlin and Cisco look at the floor, their faces solemn. “He killed her. He left her to die on my living room floor.” His voice cracks, and he shakes his head. “Um…I was there that night too, but…I got out. Someone—something—brought me outside in a…well, in a flash of lightning. Which, funnily enough, turned out to be me.” He barks out a laugh, but it sounds strangled. “One of my own time-traveling exploits.” He wipes at his eyes. Clears his throat. Through my horror, my mind reels a bit at the fact that Barry just alluded that he can time travel, but that’s a story tor another time. “Uh, anyway. My dad got framed for it. Because, you know, he was in the room, and no one back then was gonna believe that it was the fault of a man in a yellow suit who could run faster than the speed of sound.” Barry’s jaw shifts. His eyes are red. He looks down. Sniffs. “So, uh, yeah. Joe helped us out back then, as he does. Took me in as his own. Basically adopted me.” He grins weakly at me. “My dad was in Iron Heights for years. I tried every second to get him out.” Barry stops, and his eyelids flutter. “Um, but when I finally did…um. Zoom. Zoom killed him.”

I stare at him, frozen. My heart is twisting around and around in my chest.

“So, yeah,” Barry says again, shrugs. “That’s evil Wells.” He, Caitlin and Cisco look at each other, tightly bound with their shared burden. “That’s Thawne.”

I exhale. It’s shaky. My mind is racing. I feel sick and cold and sad.

So much darkness in the world. So much evil.

So much pain is in Barry Allen, in Caitlin and Cisco. These people in front of me have been through so much, and yet they’ve treated me with nothing but unbearable kindness, and they help people and save people every day, so that others don’t have to lose, like they have.

I don’t belong here.

I swallow the burning in the back of my throat. My face is wet with tears. I approach Barry, my steps cautious. He looks down at me, smiling ruefully again.

“I’m so sorry,” I whisper. “Barry, I’m so sorry.”

Barry chuckles, wipes his eyes again. “Yeah.” He releases a long exhale, and it shakes a little. “Well.”

I wrap my arms around him. There’s really nothing to say. Nothing I can really tell Barry to make this strange new world better. So I just hug him instead.

Barry’s body trembles slightly, and he hugs me back, burying his face in my shoulder. I hear the others stand, and soon Caitlin’s arms are around me and Barry too, and then Cisco’s. We’re one big cocoon of warmth and love and friendship.

And I make a promise to myself in this moment. A promise I will die before I break.

I’m going to do whatever it takes to help these people. I’m going to do whatever it takes to be better.

I’m going to do whatever it takes not to let evil be the winner.

Chapter Text

Once we pull ourselves together, Barry grabs his jacket with a small laugh and heads back to work. I watch him leave, my heart heavy. He’s been through so much. Suffered an unimaginable loss. He’s had to fight for years just to have a semblance of what he already should’ve been able to count on: a family.

I realize then that if he can fight through the pain and conquer the darkness to become the selfless hero he is today, then so can I. Or at least I can try.

I force myself not to think about what Thawne and I already have in common. I force myself not to think about the fact that I am already way closer to who Thawne was than to who Barry and Caitlin and Cisco are. I force the thoughts way, way down, to join the Voices, wherever they are right now. They can add them to the arsenal and berate me with them later.

“So.” Cisco is in his chair again. He leans back, stretching, raising his eyebrows at me. “What’s the verdict?”

I shake my head. “Heavier than a cinderblock walrus,” I murmur.

Cisco and Caitlin chuckle. “Yeah, there’s quite an aura of darkness around here,” Caitlin agrees, sighing.

I peer at them. “So…how did you all handle Harry, then?”

Cisco nods in understanding. “Valid question,” he admits. “Yeah, we weren’t exactly thrilled when another Wells face showed up at our door.”

“We were as…careful as possible,” Caitlin adds, drumming her fingers on the desk. “But we learned to trust Harry. It was…rocky at first, but he proved himself. We worked together to save his daughter, and through that, we all grew to love each other.” She smiles fondly. “Also, it doesn’t hurt that Harry has the brain power of the last one, plus an extra bonus of combat training.”

I raise my eyebrows. “Really?”

Cisco scratches his head. “Yeah, so, apparently,” he begins, smiling sarcastically at me, “our dear old Harry was a freaking captain in something called the ‘War of the Americas,’ back in the eighties.” He shakes his head. “No wonder he’s such a tortured soul. I mean, damn.”

I take that in. “Wow,” I murmur. So Harry was in the military. He’s a veteran. He was a captain. He’s a soldier. He’s got combat training. He knows how to fight. He’s tough, badass, damaged.

Why the hell does that all just make him one hundred percent hotter?

Okay, I really do need help. On all fronts.

“Yeah,” Cisco grumbles. “The man’s one tall glass of tortured angst.”

“Anyway,” Caitlin says, nudging Cisco with her elbow. “The point is, there’s no doubt Harry’s helpful, and loyal. We’ve known him for over a year now, and we consider him family.” She looks pointedly at Cisco when he opens his mouth to, I assume, provide a rebuttal. “Also, it helps he’s not evil, either.”

“Just a douchebag.” Cisco nods.

“But he’s our douchebag,” Caitlin says, and Cisco begrudgingly nods again, rolling his eyes. “He’s earned his place as part of this Team. As part of our family.”

I nod too. Relief is forming in my belly. I’m glad Harry is trustworthy. I’m glad there’s little-to-no risk that these good people will be hurt again.

Also, I’m glad she’s not crushing on a murdering psychopath. That would not be good to add to the list.

“So, now you’re all caught up,” Cisco says brightly, leaning forward and folding his hands under his chin. “Still wanna stick around?”

I laugh. “Yes sir. You’re not getting rid of me that easily.” I lean back in my chair. “Besides, I’m just more weird to add to the already-existing weirdness.”

Cisco smiles, and Caitlin laughs. “And we’re very glad to have you,” she says, her eyes sparkling.

My body floods with warmth at her words.

Before anyone can say anything else, Cisco suddenly sits up in his chair, a small gasp escaping him.

My heart starts to race. “What is it?” I ask, leaning towards Cisco.

Cait looks at Cisco too, her eyes wide. “Did you vibe something?” She asks. Cisco’s powers, along with being able to create portals, also include the ability to have visions, premonitions of sorts, which the Team has dubbed “vibes”. Leading to Cisco naming himself—of course, only he could do the naming—well, Vibe.

Cisco types on the computer. “Looks like the metahumans are back in action.” He looks up at them, his eyes wild. “Break time’s over!”

My veins crackle. I’m finally about to see what STAR Labs is all about.

Caitlin presses a button on her keyboard. “Barry,” she calls into the speaker. “There’s been a breach at Central City Bank.”

“Really?” Barry’s voice comes through the speakers.

Cisco cracks a grin. “Really,” he says.

“Looks like we’re back in business.” We hear the telltale loud whoosh of air. No doubt Barry is now suited up as the Flash.

I nod slowly as I consider the situation. “So the new meta…is at the bank?” I manage out.

Caitlin and Cisco share a “yikes” face. They both look at me. “Probably,” they say in unison.

I blow out air.

“Don’t worry,” Caitlin assures me. “You’re safe here.”

“Team Flash is on the case,” Cisco says, cracking his knuckles. “We’re experts at this.” He thinks for a moment. “Kinda.”

“Plus, you’re already showing great strides in your abilities.” Caitlin smiles at me. “Soon, you’ll be more of a threat to these metas than they could ever be to you.”

That doesn’t sound as comforting as I know it’s supposed to.

Barry calls for them. Cisco leans forward. “Barry, you good?” he asks into the microphone.

“Yeah.” Barry sounds out of breath. “But, uh…guys? We’ve got company.”

Chapter Text

Barry meets the us back in the Cortex. Harry walks in too. My heart leaps, like it seems to do every time he enters my field of vision. Which is sad.

Barry updates us. He’s jittery. Probably excited and nervous to be back at it again.

“She’s…about this tall,” Barry begins, pacing back and forth. He holds his hand out, palm facing down, and lines it up to his ribs. “So, our new friend is small, but mighty. Uh…Hispanic. She was wearing a long, black leather coat, very Matrix-y, black boots—”

“Did you get any intel on her powers, or just her fashion sense?” Harry cuts in, looking and sounding annoyed as usual.

Barry stops and glares at him. “I’m just trying to paint a clear picture,” he mumbles, crossing his arms over his chest.

“You’re doing fine, Barry,” Caitlin assures him. She nudges Harry with her elbow, and he smirks slightly.

Barry rubs at his forehead. “She uh, she had a name tag on,” he continues. “Like she was working there. It said, uh…‘Jade’, I think? Might not even be her name, but it’s something.”

“We’ll start looking,” Caitlin assures him.

“So… she’s definitely a meta,” Cisco says.

Barry nods. “No doubt.”

“And she came through a breach,” Caitlin adds. “I saw the readings. Heightened concentration of dark matter was localized in an alleyway behind the bank, and then a warm body transported through.”

Harry tilts his head up, his eyes sparking with a revelation. “She’s from my Earth,” he realizes.

We all turn to him. A chill runs through my limbs.

Things are about to get a whole lot trippier around here.

“Allen,” Harry says gruffly to Barry. “Go get me some Big Belly Burger. We’ve got work to do.”

***

Fifteen minutes later, Barry comes back with a burger, fries, and a large soda for Harry.

Cisco rolls his eyes. “Yeah, ‘cause none of the rest of us are hungry.” He glares at Harry.

“You’ll be alright, big guy.” Harry smirks at Cisco as he hands Barry money for the meal.

Cisco glares further as Harry picks up his soda and takes a drink.

“Anyway,” Barry says pointedly, grinning between Harry and Cisco, “what’s another Earth-2 meta doing here? We haven’t seen any more since Zoom.”

“Yeah, is Jesse okay?” Caitlin looks at Harry.

Harry sets his drink down on the desk and sighs, putting his hands on his hips. “She’s…fine,” he says carefully, not looking at anyone. “But she’s…isolating.” He shrugs and rubs the back of his neck. “At least that’s what her friend told me. Jesse won’t exactly …open up to me right now.”

Caitlin’s face softens and she places a hand on his shoulder. “I’m sorry, Harry,” she says. “That must be hard.”

Harry’s jaw tightens, but he doesn’t say anything more.

My stomach twists. I long to comfort Harry too, but it’s not my place. It may never be.

“But to your question.” Harry is quick to change the subject. “It is curious why she’s here. She didn’t exactly seek Barry out, so I doubt it’s another crusade.” He pulls his burger out of the bag and unwraps it. He takes a bite, and Cisco watches him, pouting.

“Well, the cash grab at the bank combined with her…abilities?” Caitlin begins, leaning against the metal railing in front of the desk and crossing her arms. “I’d say she’s on the run.”

I feel another chill run through me. “Yeah, but from what?” I ask timidly. “What does someone with powers like that have to be afraid of?”

“That is the next question,” Barry murmurs, his eyes distant.

Harry shrugs, chewing thoughtfully. He swallows. “Maybe she’s just looking for a fresh start,” he offers. He pulls a fry out of his bag and chucks it at Cisco, who catches it and begrudgingly shoves it into his mouth. “On a new world. But why she would downgrade from my Earth to here, I don’t know.”

“Hey!” Caitlin protests as Barry shoves Harry playfully. Harry grins through a bite of food, and Cisco steals another fry from the bag before Harry can stop him.

I smile weakly, but my chest tightens again at their closeness. Despite Barry, Caitlin, Cisco, and even sometimes Harry’s effort to make me feel like a part of the Team, they still have a couple of years of history between them, and I can’t help but feel on the outside sometimes.

“Anyway.” Cisco brushes fry crumbs off of his shirt. “Break’s over, kids, that much is for sure.”

Barry looks at the floor, nodding solemnly. “This is one to watch out for,” he agrees. “She’s already killed someone, so she’s not exactly trying to be subtle. This won’t be easy.” He looks at the others, who return his gaze with grave faces.

Fear sparks within me, but I swallow it down. “I’ll make sure to help,” I say as solidly as I can manage. “Wherever I can.”

Harry clears his throat. “Stand down, Braveheart,” he mutters, sipping his drink. “You’re still a baby when it comes to this shit. We don’t need you getting in the way.”

My cheeks warm as Caitlin elbows Harry.

Barry steps toward me, smiling ruefully. “Harry’s right, in a way less rude way,” he says gently. “I don’t want to risk you getting hurt. You’re strong and powerful, Alex, but we need more time to train you before we can send you out into the field.”

I deflate. I know he’s right. I should be training more, but I’m only just beginning to live like a human being—well, relatively—again. That’s hard enough, without mixing superpowers into it. But how can I expect to be a valuable member of this Team if I don’t learn to master my abilities? The only thing I’ve really successfully done with them so far is hurt my friends.

At this point, I’m closer to a villain than I am a hero.

Caitlin wraps an arm around me. She must’ve seen something on my face. “Don’t worry,” she says, squeezing my shoulder. “We know your potential. And someday soon, you’ll be fighting the good fight right alongside us.”

“But for now, you gotta stay in the nest.” Cisco holds a fry out to me before popping it in his mouth. Harry smirks down at him before snatching the fast food bag away from him. Cisco stares at the empty space where the bag used to be before swiping Harry’s drink and taking a long sip. Harry mashes his lips together, looking eager to punt Cisco into the sky.

I sigh heavily. “Alright, alright,” I grumble.

Barry huffs out a breath. “Okay, so, I’m gonna head to CCPD and check in there,” he says.

“And Caitlin and I are headed to the bank,” Cisco says, nodding at Caitlin.

“I’m popping over to Earth-2 to check on Jesse,” Harry adds, tossing his finished meal into the large trash can by the desk.

“And I’m—” I begin.

“Staying put,” Barry, Caitlin, Cisco, and Harry say in unison, eyeing her.

I sigh again. “Right.” I slump down into a chair.

Chapter Text

While everyone else is out doing their various things, I stay in the Cortex, trying to relax. But it’s hard, because there’s only so much relaxing that my anxious, messed-up, dark-matter-harboring ass can do.

I shake my leg as I sit, I look up “dark matter” on the computer. It really is some spooky stuff. Once that freaks me out too bad, I go to YouTube, look up some dumb videos. Once I start zoning out from that, I head to the lounge and grab a book.

I really don’t know what to do with myself here when no one else is around. I could go train, but the thought of facing my powers right now is a little less than favorable, especially without any moral support. I could go for a walk, but going out in public right now is also not an idea I’m too keen on. However, the Voices really have kept their mouths shut the past few days. I don’t know if it’s because of the recent, unexpected positivity that’s entered my life, but it’s been nice all the same. But I also know for a fact they’re just waiting to pounce again when the time is right, and I can’t think of any better time than right now, when I’m alone, or if I encouraged the dark matter in my veins in the training room, or I tried to be a functional human being in society by going beyond this lab.

So therefore, Lé options are limited.

Luckily, Caitlin comes back from the bank just before I’m about to go crazy.

“Hey!” I jump up, all too happy to have company again.

Caitlin smiles. “Hey.” She sets her purse down on a chair in front of the desk and comes over to me. She wraps an arm around my shoulder. “Everything good here?”

I groan. “Too good.”

Caitlin chuckles. “Hey now, we don’t need to summon any bad juju,” she warns. “You start taking advantage of the quiet too much and the universe will surely give you something to deal with.”

I huff out a sigh. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. Sorry.”

Caitlin smiles and nudges me. “You want to grab some lunch?”

That’s when I notice how hungry I am. “Sure.” I grin. “Any intel at the bank?”

Caitlin sighs and shrugs. “Nothing much more than what Barry said,” she tells me. “They had a break-in, and the meta went straight back to the vault. She somehow got it open and made it out with six thousand dollars.”

I raise my eyebrows. “Yikes. How the hell did she get the steel vault open?”

Caitlin shakes her head. “Don’t know, but it could have something to do with how she also brought down a 6 foot seven, 320 pound security guard.” She arches an eyebrow.

I grin again. “Fair enough.”

At that moment, Cisco comes trudging in, looking annoyed. “Harry's starting to get on my nerves already,” he announces to them, plopping down into a chair at the desk. “And it’s only Monday. It usually doesn’t happen until, like, Tuesday morning, at least.”

I fight back a laugh. “What did he do now?”

Cisco closes his eyes and presses his fingertips to his temples, massaging them. “He just gets so snippy,” he grumbles. “I guess his visit with Jesse didn’t go too well. I know she’s pushing him away, and that’s really frustrating for him, but.” Cisco shakes his head, frowning. “I don’t think the man has one pleasant bone in his body.”

I beg to differ. I think he has quite a few. But there’s no way I can say that out loud, so I just offer Cisco a sympathetic grin instead.

“Just give him some time,” Caitlin says, ever the peacemaker. “We were all hit hard by Zoom, but he still carries that burden more than anyone.” Her eyes grow heavy. “And not being able to help Jesse right now…it’s got to be really eating at him.” She tilts her head at Cisco. “But he’ll come around.”

Cisco and I stare at her.

Caitlin looks back at them, an innocent expression her face. “What?”

“Aren’t you ever not the most generous person in the world?” I ask her, squinting.

Caitlin smirks at me. “I’ve tried that,” she says. “Didn’t really work for me.” She winks.

I smile and shake my head. I guess it’s good to have balance.

A computer chimes. Caitlin and Cisco exchange a glance, and then Caitlin heads over to the desk, leans forward, and looks at the computer monitor. Her face tightens. “The silent alarm just went off at Central City Bank,” she announces.

“For real?” Cisco raises his eyebrows. “The bank again?”

“Mhmm.” Caitlin presses down on the microphone by the computer and calls Barry, informing him of the latest development.

“That's gotta be Jade,” Barry’s voice echoes through the speaker. “Guess she’s getting greedy.”

Cisco bites his lip. “Could be a trap.”

“Be careful,” I say into the microphone.

“Always am,” Barry says, and then we hear the telltale whoosh, the Flash zooming to the scene of the crime.

Caitlin and Cisco keep an eye out on the monitors. I wonder briefly if I should’ve offered to help. But as the others said before, I’m nowhere near ready, and I still barely understand my powers yet. I still feel like that training day last month was just a shot of good luck. Plus, I’m also still afraid of what’s within me, if I’m to be completely honest. I know I need to accept my powers sooner or later, but I worry about my capacity to handle them. Or lack thereof. I worry about the possible connection between the dark matter in my veins and the Voices in my head. I worry about my susceptibility to possible coercion.

I remain a coward.

Chapter Text

A few hours later, I’m in the Cortex with Caitlin, Barry and Cisco when I feel it, a deep, pulling sensation more intense than anything I’ve felt yet. I sit up straight in her chair at the main desk, my eyes going wide, cutting off the conversation about movies the four of us were having. A location lodges itself into my mind as if it’s a part of my brain matter. “852 West Helm Street,” I say, my voice almost dreamlike, the darkness emanating from that location filling my bones.

Barry, Caitlin and Cisco exchange a glance. “Alex, what—” Barry shakes his head, bewildered, and Caitlin puts a hand on my shoulder.

“I don’t know.” I look at Barry, deep into his eyes. I feel just as confused as he looks, but I also feel so certain, so sure that Barry needs to go to this address I’ve never heard of before, that I’m willing to bet my life on it. “But you have to go there. Now.”

Something about my strange, intense assuredness must translate, because Barry looks at the others only once more before speeding to his suit and out of STAR Labs.

Once Barry’s tracker on the computer screen shows that he’s reached the location, Cisco presses down on the button to the microphone and speaks into it. “Barry? You good?”

We wait for his answer.

“Yeah,” Barry’s voice, still laced in confusion, echoes from the speaker and throughout the Cortex.

“Where are you?” Caitlin asks, her eyebrows furrowing.

“Um…at a…warehouse.”

Cisco and Caitlin look at me for confirmation. A derelict old warehouse appears in my mind almost as if in response, and I nod. Cisco rakes his teeth over his bottom lip and types something up on the keyboard in front of him. An image appears on the screen. It’s a shot of what must be the warehouse, as it matches the one in my head. It’s a view from what a security camera across the street, one Cisco was somehow able to hack into. I have never fully understood the technicalities of this new life before, and I’m not about to start now, considering I’m lost about what was going on inside of me, let alone on the outside.

We can see a side of the warehouse. The image is slightly grainy and it’s nighttime, but they can make out the four stories of the large, rectangular building, with old, rusted brick and broken, dusty windows. The ground is littered with dirt, trash, and leafless, crunchy bushes, weeds, and gravel. Barry stands in front of the building in his suit, his back to them, his head arched to look up at the place.

Barry puts a hand up to his ear to activate his comm. “It looks…pretty abandoned,” Barry says into it. We watch as Barry’s form darts into the building, leaving his electric orange streak behind, and he appears back on the camera as if he never even left. “Make that completely abandoned.”

The building does have the eerie, melancholic air of abandonment, a heaviness of its old life and forgotten stories emanating from the computer screen. Barry waits, and Cisco and Caitlin look at me again, expectant. My chest tightens a bit. I’m grateful for their immediate trust and I definitely don’t want to waste their time. I hope to God this isn’t just some wild goose chase. But why else would this seemingly random place pop into my head, as if it had been sent there? There’s a darkness buried there, calling to me. It fills me with the same heavy heat that my powers do, that the dark matter does.

“I know there’s something there,” I say firmly, looking at my friends.

“How?” Cisco asks, purely curious.

I bite my lip. I look back at the screen. At the abandoned building. “I don’t know,” I admit. “But I just…know. You know?” I chuckle weakly, looking back at Cisco and Caitlin.

They watch me, and then Cisco shrugs, his gaze shifting to Caitlin again. “Well…”

“Can’t hurt to check it out,” Caitlin says.

“Yeah,” Cisco agrees, and my heart swells.

“Copy that,” Barry says through the speakers. “I’ll go slower. Do another sweep.”

“We got you,” Cisco assures him. We watch as Barry zooms into the building again, but doesn’t come back out.

As we continue to watch the screen, Harry comes in and stops behind them, looking over their shoulders. “What’s up?” he asks, sounding only mildly intrigued, which is still different from his usual intonation of monotoned boredom.

“Alex saw something. Or, felt? Heard?” Cisco looks to me for help.

“All three?” I offer, grinning sheepishly.

“Anyway, she sensed something going down at this abandoned warehouse,” Cisco points to the screen, and Harry leans forward, squinting. “Barry’s checking it out now.”

“You—” Harry’s electric blue eyes shift to me, making my stomach flutter as always. Lock it up. “Wha—” His eyelids flutter “—How?”

“We don’t know yet,” Barry, Caitlin and Cisco all say in unison, and I gesture to them, nodding.

Harry exhales sharply. “Then how can we know that this isn’t a complete waste of time?” he asks irritably.

My chest tightens again and my teeth grind. How is it that he is always able to voice my hidden fears? “Because contrary to your belief, Doc, I’m not just causing problems for fun,” I snap, turning away from him and crossing my arms.

“We’ll see,” Harry mutters, and my jaw tightens. Now I know why Cisco is so easily annoyed by him.

“Hey,” Caitlin murmurs to him in warning.

I turn to Harry, opening my mouth, but Cisco puts a hand on my arm. “Easy, tiger.” He gently raises the same hand to my shoulder to guide me back to the screen. “Eyes on the prize.”

I begrudgingly obey. My fingernails dig into my arms as I fight to ignore the self-righteous smirk forming on Harry’s face.

Caitlin leans forward and presses down on the microphone button. “Barry? Anything yet?”

“Not yet—wait.” Barry’s voice abruptly cuts off.

Caitlin and Cisco exchange an anxious glance. My heart quickens.

“I hear something,” Barry says quietly.

“What is it?” Cisco whispers as if he’s there with Barry.

A deep, rumbling sound emits that seems to cover the whole Cortex. Then, a man’s scream pierces their ears. I jerk and Caitlin gasps. Cisco jumps and Harry takes a step forward, his eyes narrowing.

“Barry? Talk to us,” Caitlin says firmly into the microphone, her eyes darting back and forth.

There’s a commotion from the speakers, shuffling and Barry’s hurried breaths. “Hey!” We hear Barry call out angrily.

Then a new voice, sharp and female, comes through. “Oh, great. The Scarlet Speedster, here to be a hero.” The words are laced with contempt.

“Here to save this man’s life,” Barry counters to whoever it is. “If you’ll let me.”

The woman laughs cruelly. “Nah, I think I’ll finish what I started.”

“No, stop!” Barry shouts, and then another rumbling sound.

“Barry, you good?” Cisco demands into the mic. “Do you need me to come down there?”

“God—damn it,” Barry says through his teeth. His voice sounds strangled. “No.”

A coldness seeps into my veins. I look back at Harry, who meets my eyes, his own tight. I don’t know why I look to him first, but my gaze is pulled there almost magnetically.

“Barry?” Caitlin asks softly, her eyes heavy with concern.

“What’s going on, dude?” Cisco insists, his right leg beginning to shake.

“She killed him,” Barry tells us emptily.

I freeze. A deep silence settles over the Cortex. I’m no stranger to murder, but as far as the Team knows, the man that just died is innocent. He may have a family, a partner, maybe children, siblings and parents and friends…

And we just learned of his death mere seconds after it happened.

“Who killed who?” Cisco sounds desperate now.

“Is it Jade?” Caitlin asks frantically.

Harry exhales through his teeth and rubs a hand down the side of his face. “We should go down there—” but he’s cut off by the mystery woman’s sneering voice again.

“Talking to your imaginary friends?” she mocks Barry.

“You’ll wish they were,” Barry growls at her. I’ve never heard him so angry. I imagine he doesn’t lose those he’s trying to save often.

The woman snickers cruelly. “Okay, then,” she purrs. “Let’s play.”

The Team hears more scuffling, a few grunts, solid sounds that I figure are hits and punches, and then Barry cries out. Another screen pops up by the security camera footage, showing a graphic of a red suit and multicolored bars showing Barry’s vitals. A loud, beeping sound leaves the computer in warning as the bars begin to drain quickly and the screen starts to flash red.

My stomach drops. Barry’s vitals are drastically decreasing.

“Barry!” Caitlin cries, standing.

“Oh, man.” Cisco groans and covers his face with his hands.

“What the hell is happening?” I demand desperately. I can feel the dark matter heating up in my veins, soaring toward my hands. I try to fight it, knowing I can’t do anything to help at the moment, knowing all I’ll do is make things worse. The usual. But God, if only I could teleport down there and help my friend.

“Whatever it is, it’s killing him,” Caitlin’s voice shakes as she says it.

My stomach rolls. “Oh, God—”

Harry stomps toward the small lab. When he comes back, his jaw is clenched tightly, and he’s holding his large pulse gun from his Earth. The last time I saw the massive weapon, he was pointing it at me. I stare at him, wide-eyed. “What’re you doing—”

“What does it look like?” Harry snaps as he grabs the giant barrel of the gun and tugs it back to charge it up.

“There’s no point,” Caitlin says hollowly. “Jade’s left the scene.”

“How can you tell?” I ask.

“Because I’m here now,” Cisco’s voice comes through the speakers. I look around the Cortex. Sure enough, Cisco is gone. Speaking of teleporting. He’s gotten smooth with his breaches. “And the only other person here is The Flash.” Cisco’s voice cracks. “And he’s—”

A mass of blue, sparkling energy, warm and swirling, appears into the Cortex. A breach. A portal. I watch with wide eyes as Cisco steps through it, carrying an unconscious and extremely pale-looking Barry Allen on his back. “Not doing well,” Cisco finishes weakly, and his eyes are bright with fear.

Chapter Text

Caitlin and Harry immediately rush forward to help Cisco get Barry into the med lab. I just watch, a ringing in my ears muffling the sounds of the others’ hurriedness, of their usefulness.

Once they have Barry laid down on the cot, Caitlin gets to work, checking his pulse and hooking him up to IVs, her face set and determined. She is a master of her craft. Cisco stands on the other side of the bed, his hands gripping his hair. He is talking quietly, and Caitlin is responding every few seconds while keeping her eyes on Barry.

Harry turns and strides back out into the Cortex, headed for the room across the way. He doesn’t look at me as I stumble into the med lab. My heart constricts at the sight of Barry, his still form, his sickly pale skin. His eyes are closed and his face is slack.

You did this, whispering Voices appear in the back of my mind, but I can’t tell if it’s the usual suspects or just my own guilty conscience. Either way, I don’t bother arguing, because I know they’re right.

Harry comes back into the med lab, his face solid. He is holding a syringe of green liquid in his right hand. He walks right up to Caitlin. She looks at the syringe and then at Harry, caution in her eyes.

“Are you sure?” she asks him, studying his face.

Harry looks back at her grimly. “We said for emergencies only.”

Caitlin mashes her lips together, then sighs. She nods once.

“What is that?” I ask, my voice shaking slightly.

“It’s called Velocity Nine,” Harry says, his voice manufactured boredom, though I see a slight urgency in his eyes. “I created it to act as a sort of artificial speed, in case Barry would ever lose his, which he once did.” His eyes get lost for a moment. He blinks back. “Anyway, he’s not the one who ended up needing it. But now he does.”

My head spin a little. “So, it’s like…a drug?” I wrap my arms around myself.

“It could have addictive qualities, if put into the wrong hands.” Harry says these words loftily too, as if there is a history behind them as well. I’ll have to ask Caitlin and Cisco about it later. “But right now, I’m going to use it to jumpstart Barry’s heart.” He finally looks at me, his sky blue eyes intense. “And I need you to help me.”

The backs of my ears begin to burn. I alway lose my footing a bit when Harry looks at me. “Me? Why?”

Harry rolls his eyes quickly. “Darrow, in case you haven’t noticed, you have an incredibly powerful, universal energy dwelling within you.” He stares hard at me. “And you’ve barely been putting it to use.”

My face warms with embarrassment. But he’s exactly right. I have been bemoaning my uselessness lately.

Harry walks up to me. I crane my neck back a bit to meet his gaze. “You want to help, right?” He studies my face. I nod. “Then help me now. Help me bring Allen back.”

I swallow hard. “Okay,” I breathe out. “What do you need me to do?”

Harry nods once. He grabs my forearm and pulls me up beside Cisco. My heart leaps at his touch, even though the sleeve of my black hoodie separates his skin from mine. “I need you,” he begins, guiding my hand onto Barry’s bare chest, where two nodes have been stuck on to his pectoral muscles, “to hit Barry with a burst of dark matter.”

I jerk my hand away. “What?” I say, panicked.

Harry grinds his teeth. “There’s no time for this,” he snaps at me. He snatches my wrist and puts my hand back on Barry’s chest. “Just trust me. You’re going to hit him with dark matter at the same time that I inject the V-9 into his heart.” His eyes bore into mine. “We need something more than a defibrillator, Darrow. Even 500 Watts will be like a tickle to Allen. He’s supercharged. So whatever we use to wake him up has to be too. Do you understand?”

My eyes dart over Harry’s face. I feel so bewildered, so confused and guilty. But there are some things I know. I know my friend is in danger. I know I would do just about anything to help him. I know Harry is fiercely intelligent. And I know he would never hurt Barry.

So I nod, first dazed but then more alert. “Okay,” I say solidly. “Okay, I’ll do it.”

Harry nods once. “Good.” He turns to look down at Barry. He steels himself. “Okay, keep your palm placed on his chest. I’m lowering the syringe.” He does so, until the needle is a centimeter from Barry’s chest. “Get ready.”

I take a deep breath. It’s been a while since I’ve fully awakened my powers, but Harry’s right. It’s time to stop fucking around.

I focus in on myself. Feel the soles of my shoes against the floor. My skin under my clothes, brushing against the fabric. I turn my focus inward. Feel the rootedness of my bones. The rushing of my veins.

Then I summon it. The energy, the dark matter, the power within me. I feel the tips of my fingers begin to heat up. The energy travels upward, to my elbow, like I’m submerging my forearm into hot water. I feel my veins ignite. My own electricity settles over my skin.

It always feels good, to let the energy awaken. And I don’t know what to do with that.

“Ready?” Harry says, his voice quiet and only for me. I nod once. I look down at Barry. The city’s hero. My savior. My friend. I have to do this. I have to do this for him.

“Now!” Harry demands, and I release a pulse of blue energy at the same time Harry injects the serum.

Barry’s chest becomes illuminated by the swirling blue matter, and his muscles tense from what I assume is the V-9. Then, within an instant, Barry’s body jerks and his eyes snap open. He gasps wildly like he’s been underwater and he just broke the surface. His torso snaps up, the tendons in his neck throb, and his whole upper body spasms.

I and the others watch in tense silence. I feel a jolt of panic. Did I only hurt him more?

But then Barry relaxes. He slumps back down onto the bed. His eyes fall closed again, but his chest begins to rise and fall, slowly but surely. The Team exhales.

“Snow?” Harry says, his voice tight.

Caitlin puts the earpieces of the stethoscope around her neck into her ears. She places the chest piece onto Barry and listens for a moment. She exhales again and pulls back. “He’s breathing,” she announces, relieved. “It’s weak, but it’s there.”

The tension in the room speeds out as if it were Barry himself. I put my face in my hands and Harry rubs the back of his neck.

“Damn,” Cisco says, folding his hands together in front of him as if in prayer. “I need a nap. This shit be stressful.”

“You guys did good,” Caitlin says to Harry and me, grinning softly. “Especially you, newbie.” She winks at me.

I exhale a laugh, but it sounds a little bit like crying. I’m shaking all over. Using the dark matter on Barry for training was one thing, but hitting him with it so directly, it isn’t easy to get used to. I suppose this blast was a walk in the park compared to when it exploded out of me that one horrible day when I sent my friends flying into the walls of the Cortex. But it’s still difficult to let it out, even if it feels right within.

“Yeah, you and Grumpy should be a team more often,” Cisco teases, nudging me with his elbow.

Harry glares at Cisco. His face falls and he gives Harry a “what?” look.

I exhale sharply. “So, he’ll be okay?” I ask Caitlin, resting my hands on the edge of the bed.

Caitlin thinks for a moment, then nods. “I’ll have to monitor him,” she says, studying Barry. “But you guys did the job. You ‘jumpstarted’ him, as Harry said.”

I nod. I step back, rubbing at my forehead.

“Well done, Darrow,” Harry murmurs.

I look up at him, surprised. Not much comes out of his mouth towards me that isn’t laced in some sort of criticism or irritation. “Uh, thanks,” I say. “You—you too.”

Harry’s lips twitch for just a second, but he trudges out of the lab without another word, leaving me bewildered yet again.

Chapter Text

“Barry’s vitals are stable,” Caitlin announces as she comes out of the med lab a little while later, where I, Cisco and Harry have moved to the Cortex. Cisco is sitting at the desk, tapping his fingers on the surface, Harry is leaning against the wall behind him, his arms crossed and his face set, and I’m shuffling back and forth in front of the metal railing. We all turn to Caitlin as she speaks. “But whatever was in that warehouse severely weakened his immune system.” Caitlin looks at all of us, her face tired and rueful. “It’s going to be a few more hours before he can breathe on his own.”

I exhale shakily. “Jesus.” I reach up and put my palms on the top of my head, my stomach churning. “This is all my fault.”

Caitlin shakes her head, taking a step toward her. “Alex, no—”

“I’m the one who sent him there!” I hold my arm out.

“And you were right to,” Caitlin assures me gently.

“Yeah,” Cisco agrees from his chair. “Jade was there and she hurt someone else.”

“And almost killed Barry!” I add desperately.

Caitlin reaches me and places a hand on my shoulder. “But now we have more information. More knowledge that we can use against her.”

Harry pushes off the wall, his eyes piercing and his face tight. “But what the hell happened at that warehouse?” he demands roughly, walking over to stand behind the chair next to Cisco’s, his arms still crossed.

Caitlin looks down at Cisco. “You sure you didn’t see anyone?” she asks him. I turn around to face him too.

Cisco shakes his head, his face downcast. “No. Whoever he dealt with, and for now we’re assuming it was the lovely Jade, she was gone by the time I got there. Except…” Cisco hesitates, reaching up to rub the back of his neck.

“Spit it out, Ramon,” Harry says harshly.

Cisco sighs. “Well. I did see…the dead man.” He closes his eyes for a second as if he were seeing it again.

A chill runs through me.

Cisco opens his eyes again, but keeps them lowered. “His body…it was…it looked…completely drained. Of like, everything.” He swallows hard. “Blood included.”

Fear pierces my chest. “So what, this bitch is a vampire?” I demand, my voice trembling a little.

“Barry hasn’t lost any blood,” Caitlin points out.

Cisco nods. “So maybe, like, an energy vampire?” His eyes light up and he sits forward. “Ooh, that could be her—” His face falls and he slumps back into the chair. “Nah, it’s too clunky.” He rubs his fingers against his lips.

Harry rolls his eyes and then looks hard at me. “What about you, visionary?” I meet his crystal eyes. Harry narrows them at me. “Did you not see anything to go along with your little premonition?” He waves a hand in the air.

My jaw clenches. “No, I didn’t.” I work to keep my voice level.

Harry peers at me. “Hm.”

“Why don’t you just say what you wanna say, jackass?” I say coldly.

“Whoa—” Caitlin begins.

Harry’s eye twitches, and he takes a step forward. “Alright.” His jaw hardens. “I think this whole—” he waves his hand in the air vaguely “—situation, this happening, has more to it than meets the eye.” He takes another step forward, his gaze not leaving mine. “And I think its origins may lie with someone in this room.” He tilts his head, his eyes glinting dangerously under the fluorescent light of the Cortex. “Can you guess who?”

I stare at him. Coldness spreads throughout my bones, but a sharp heat is growing in my chest. “You think I’m behind this.” I don’t even bother to form it as a question.

Harry shrugs, his jaw jutting out, exposing his bottom teeth. “Well. You did say it was your fault.” His voice is eerily calm.

“Harry!” Caitlin snaps.

I feel real anger towards him then, and it overpowers any other stupid feeling. I’m so tired of him switching up on me, making me feel crazy. Of him dangling his trust, his acceptance in front of me, only to throw it away at a moment’s notice. The more he doubts me, isolates me, jerks me around, the more my resentment builds. Maybe that’s his intention. If so, it’s certainly working.

I look down at the ground and step forward too, grinning bitterly and crossing my arms. “Yeah. You know what, you’re right.” I look back up at him, letting my bitterness show in my eyes. “I did this. I somehow projected myself to two places at once and I decided to kill some random guy at some random old shit hole. Oh, and then, I topped it off by also almost killing Central City’s hero.” My voice grows in its acidity. Caitlin places a hand on my back, but I ignore her. My anger propels me on. “Forget the fact that I can barely handle my powers—“ I glare at Harry as I continue— “and even if I could, I don’t exactly have the ability to suck people’s blood out of their fucking bodies.” I mimic Harry by tilting my head to the side. “But neither of those facts fit your agenda, so let’s just ignore them, right?”

Harry’s eyes are flickering with a dangerous, quiet fire. His lips curl up slightly. “You want to talk about facts?” he says softly, which I for some reason hate more than if he was yelling. He takes another step forward. “Okay, here’s another.” He leans down, his eyes burrowing into mine. “It wouldn’t be the first time you've killed someone, would it?”

Any fight in me vanishes. The coldness shoots into my heart and my stomach drops onto the floor.

Cisco looks between the two of us, standing up from his chair. “Okay, what does that mean?” he demands, looking hard at Harry.

“Harry, just stop it!” Caitlin barks.

Harry’s eyes don’t move from my face. They are unyielding ice. “I did a little digging,” he says simply. “Was bored one day. Turns out,” his voice rises a bit as he turns away and starts walking the other direction, “you’re not the innocent little lost girl you claim to be.” He whirls around and faces me again, grinning cruelly. “No. You have blood on your hands, don’t you?” He stops in front of the metal railing. He grips it and leans forward, leering at me.

I have never felt so small. So stupid.

“What the hell are you even talking about?” Cisco snaps, glaring at Harry. “You’re being a real asshole.”

Harry’s eyes slide to Cisco. “Oh, come on. It’s important to be transparent. Honesty is healthy among friends, wouldn’t you say, Ramon?” Harry looks at me again, his eyes glinting dangerously.

My hands form into fists at my sides. “Fuck you, Wells.” I hate how my voice shakes as I say it.

Harry’s face slacks in mock sympathy. “Aw, did I ruin the illusion?”

“You’re a monster,” I say through my teeth, my eyes burning.

“Yeah?” Harry pushes himself off the railing, strides around the desk, and stops inches away from me again. He bends his head to stare daggers into my eyes. “Why don’t you take me down?” His voice is low and dangerous again, his eyes half-lidded.

I look up at him, my jaw tightening as I fight back tears. My insides feel like someone is churning them with a knife.

“Enough!” Caitlin steps in between Harry and me. “Jesus, Harry!”

Harry’s jaw works. His fiery gaze doesn’t stray from me.

“Back off, man.” Cisco walks up behind Harry. “The hell’s the matter with you?”

“You’re asking the wrong person that.” Harry looks at our friends with bitterness.

My breath is coming out of me in small, furious gasps. “You want to talk about blood on your hands, Wells?” I step around Caitlin and get in Harry’s face again. Forget hope. Forget diplomacy and desire and whatever other bullshit I’ve ever felt for this cruel man. He wants to be enemies? So be it. “What about you, huh? What about your version of the Particle Accelerator explosion?”

Caitlin tugs on my sleeve. “Alex please, let’s just—”

“Nah, let’s talk.” I pull away from Caitlin, forcing myself to keep my eyes on Harry, whose own are filled with deep disdain, and I make myself bury the sick need that still lingers to prove herself to him, to beg him to give me a chance. No. It’s time to do what I do best. “What about all the lives that were lost that day? Or, what about Zoom?”

A muscle in Harry’s jaw pulses at that.

I continue, my face stretching into a mean grin. “You know, the psychotic meta who killed several police officers, innocent civilians, oh, and not to mention, almost killed your daughter and the people in this room?” I glance at Cisco and Caitlin, who just look back at me sadly. I choose to ignore that too. “Or what about Turtle, the guy you killed while you were going behind the Team’s back, to help the aforementioned psycho who also killed Barry’s father?” I look back up at Harry. His eyes dart over my face. All sense of righteousness is gone from his expression now. His eye twitches, and there is so much darkness emanating from him that it almost overpowers me. But I won’t let him win anymore. I won’t let him control me. So I choose to embrace the darkness instead. I choose to let it drive me. I lean closer to the man and lower my voice, because these words are only for him. “You may not have been the one in Zoom’s suit, but you are just as responsible for all of those deaths.” My teeth clench. “So you can take your self-righteous bullshit and shove it right up your ass, you hypocritical, mind-fucking, selfish piece of shit.” I laugh then, cruelly. “You know, I bet your wife is rolling in her grave, that she’s the one who had to die while you get to be here and fuck more things up with your daughter.”

“Alex,” Caitlin whispers fiercely.

Harry flinches back at my words, as if I had dealt him a physical blow. I once again bury the guilt twisting in my gut. Keep going. You’re almost there. “I did what I had to do,” I say firmly to Harry. “You didn’t know when to stop, and it led to chaos and tragedy. I knew what to stop, and it ended those same two things.” I take a step back and hold my arms out. “So yeah, I’ve got blood on my hands. But it’s dirty blood. And it should be there. Yours—well.” I look him up and down, try to let genuine disgust show on my face, and laugh shortly and bitterly. “It stains everything. And you’ll never be able to escape it.”

The room is deathly silent. Cisco stares at the ground, his face drawn, and I can feel Caitlin’s disappointment. But none of that matters in this moment more than the endless humiliation and resentment I feel. Toward Harry. Toward myself. For believing that something could finally be better between us.

Harry stares at me. His eyes are…empty. The striking blue is almost gray now. His face is pale. He nods once, turns, and walks out of the room.

I watch him go. As soon as he’s out of sight, I deflate, exhaling shakily and covering my face with my hands. I thought finally telling him off would make me feel better. But I just feel sick now.

“I’m sorry,” I say weakly after a moment. I lower my hands and stare down at the floor.

Caitlin sighs heavily. “It’s—well. It’s not okay. But…he’s being unreasonable.” I turn and face her. She doesn’t look mad, just tired and a little despondent. “You haven’t done anything wrong, Alex.”

“Yeah. He’s just being prime asshole today,” Cisco adds, glancing at the Cortex entrance where Harry walked out. “But that speech was…maybe a little harsh though.” Cisco looks back at me, grinning ruefully.

“Yeah, maybe a little,” Caitlin agrees hesitantly.

I huff out a breath. The guilt is already inching into my heart. Why the fuck can’t it just be as easy to hurt him as it seems for him to hurt me? “Yeah, well.” I cross my arms and look at the floor again. “I’m not exactly proud of it. Just add it to the fucking list, I guess.” I dig the toe of my Converse into the linoleum.

“Alex,” Caitlin says. “Look at me.”

I do, begrudgingly.

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” Caitlin insists, her brown eyes solid and sure. “In fact, you helped us.”

“Yeah,” Cisco agrees, placing a hand on my shoulder. “Now we have another meta to catch, miss “That’s so Raven”.” I give him a look and he smirks before dropping his hand. His smirk fades. “Hopefully one that doesn’t end up almost killing us all the way the last two have though,” he finishes thoughtfully.

“Cisco,” Caitlin chides him.

Cisco holds his hands up. “Just sayin’.”

I exhale slowly. I still feels a bit shaken. “Thanks, guys. I…uh.” I rub my forehead. “I think I just…need a minute.” I start heading for the hallway outside of the Cortex. A quick attempt alone to reset, which probably won’t work, sounds more than tantalizing.

“You want me to come with?” Caitlin asks, ever the loyal friend.

I attempt a weak smile. “That’s okay, love.” I nod toward Barry’s sleeping form across the room. “He needs you more than I do right now. But…thanks.”

Caitlin grins back. “Always.”

“Ditto,” Cisco adds, putting an arm around Caitlin.

And I know they mean it. No matter what.

Chapter Text

I sit on the floor of the STAR Labs lobby, a sprawling space on the first floor of the building, illuminated by natural light from the sun beaming through the floor-to-ceiling windows lining the wall across from me. I can picture how the area used to be, workers and scientists and visitors walking around, two receptionists sitting at the large, gray desk against the massive blue wall next to me, under the giant mural of Galileo and Aristotle. Now, the space is empty, silent, without purpose.

A good place to sit and wallow.

I stare up at the ceiling, which is at least twenty feet high. I’ve always liked tall ceilings, big, open spaces. Probably something to do with the childhood trauma, feeling constricted or the usual bullshit. What a passion for psychology I still have.

My leg shakes where it’s stretched out on the floor. I let my head fall back against the wall, blowing out air. I wish it was simple. I wish I felt so clear and settled in this moment, now that I finally told that bastard off. But all I can think about are Harry’s eyes, how they shut down, how he looked dead after my words, how he had to walk away. How can he stand to see my face after he hurts me, when I can barely survive seeing how I hurt him?

Because he doesn’t give a shit about you, kid, the Voices say simply. Because he hates you.

I can’t really even argue with that. So instead I just sit and stare forward, my body slumped weakly, not really seeing anything and letting my eyes fill with tears.

***

After a while of empty staring, I hear the elevators down the hall behind me ping open. I start and straighten up.

Clacking heels on the linoleum cause me to relax again as Caitlin comes into view. She looks down at me, a knowing, rueful grin on her face. “Hey, you,” Caitlin says softly. She immediately adjusts her skirt and sits down next to me.

I exhale a shaking, short laugh and rest my head on Caitlin’s shoulder. “How do you always know?” I murmur.

Caitlin chuckles. “I’m a doctor, remember? I know how to take care of my patients.” She rests her cheek on top of my head.

We just sit for a moment. It feels good to have Caitlin here. I love Barry and Cisco. Barry saved my life and gives me hope, and Cisco makes me laugh and always goes out of his way to make me feel better. They’re my brothers now. But there’s something about having a strong female presence, Caitlin’s balance of kindness, gentleness, and steadfast determination, it helps me keep my feet on the ground. Plus, Caitlin has seen some of my ugliest, weakest moments, and she still comes to me. Every time.

I reach forward and take Caitlin’s hand where it rests on my knee. Caitlin makes a small sound and squeezes my hand. I don’t have much energy to say anything, but I hope Caitlin gets the message.

Another bit of quiet passes, and then I ask softly, “How’s Barry?”

“Still sleeping. But his vitals look back to normal.”

Relief floods through my chest, sending the guilt down to my belly. “Thank God.”

Caitlin sits up straight and looks at me full on. I tense a bit before doing the same and meeting her concerned, pretty brown eyes. Caitlin searches my face. “How are you?” she asks, her voice low and serious.

I heave a sigh. “I’m fine.” I look down at my lap. Start pressing the pad of my thumbs to the tips of my other fingers, something my mother taught me to do when my anxiety was really high, a grounding technique. Of course, it was always a little tainted by the fact that my mother’s face was still black and blue from my father punching it, but alas.

Caitlin sighs too and puts her palms flat on the floor. She crosses her ankles and moves her feet from side to side. “Look,” she says, “I know Harry can be a real dick sometimes—”

I perk up at the word usage, a surprised laugh echoing through the lobby.

Caitlin smiles. “Yeah, I curse.” She nudges my shoulder with her own. Her smile fades. “But he is a good man,” she continues, and waits for me to meet her eyes again. Her own are sincere and pleading. “A damaged and stubborn man, but a good one. He’s helped us more times that I can count by now, and he’s part of our family. I don’t know what the hell he’s doing to you or why, but…I just…I hope you two can work something out.”

I look at her sadly. “I did too, Cait,” I say, my voice as deflated as I feel. “I’ve tried.”

Caitlin nods once. “I know you have.”

“But it’s like he’s…” My throat becomes sore as Harry’s quietly enraged face comes into view. I swallow back tears. “It’s like he’s determined to make me his enemy. And I’m tired of fighting that.”

Caitlin’s face falls.

I manage a weak smile and nudge Caitlin again. “Hey, it’s okay, Cait. Not everyone can be friends, right?”

Caitlin sighs heavily. “I know, I know. But…”

I shift my weight from side to side and rake my teeth over my bottom lip. “Look,” I begin carefully, “I promise I’ll do my best to not add any more fuel to the fire. But that probably means staying away from him. And I can do that. I’m here for you, Barry and Cisco. You’re the ones who believe in me. You’re my friends.”

Caitlin smiles softly. “That’s right,” she says. She puts an arm around me and squeezes. Just then, her phone vibrates, and she reaches in to the pocket of her lab coat and checks it. Her face alights. “Come on.” She looks at me as she gets to a stance, her eyes wide and hopeful. “Barry’s waking up.”

Chapter Text

When we reach the med lab again, Caitlin heads right for Barry, who is sitting up in the bed, his face droopy and exhausted. He is still pale, but awake and alive. Cisco sits next to him, and Harry is across the room, sitting on a chair against the wall. I tense at the sight of him and force myself to focus on Barry.

Barry looks up at Caitlin and smiles weakly as Caitlin bends down to give him a hug. She grabs her stethoscope and tablet and checks Barry’s vitals, and they begin murmuring softly to each other.

I linger in the doorway, wrapping my arm around myself. Guilt is flooding in my stomach again. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, for more reasons than one. I can’t help but glance at Harry again, whose own gaze is now on the floor, his jaw tight. I feel a pang in my heart. I know I really hurt him, and while he’s hurt me too, it still isn’t a good feeling.

Once she’s satisfied, Caitlin returns her tablet to the shelf behind her along with the stethoscope and then sits down on the chair on Barry’s left side. Cisco says something softly and then Barry and Caitlin laugh. Then, Barry looks at me. His eyes soften.

“Hey, you,” he says gently, his voice hoarse. “You gonna come in?”

Caitlin and Cisco look at me too. Harry doesn’t.

A lump forms in my throat and I swallow hard. “I—I’m sorry,” I whisper, my voice cracking. “I’m…so sorry, Barry.”

Barry gives me a knowing look. “I knew you would say that,” he says. “You have nothing to be sorry about.”

I take a step forward. “But—”

Cisco stands up and walks over to me. He raises his eyebrows at me and places his hands on my shoulders. “Girl, nothing has changed from before Barry opened those big doe eyes,” he insists, and Barry makes a small noise of protest. Cisco looks hard at her. “You didn’t do anything wrong. In fact, you did everything right. You helped us find Jade.”

My shoulders slump under Cisco’s hands. “If I’d done everything right, I would have helped Barry,” I mumble.

Cisco sighs heavily. He shakes his head.

“I know,” I grumble. “I’m—”

“Impossible,” I, Caitlin, Barry and Cisco say in unison. The others laugh lightly, and I can’t help but grin a little too.

Cisco guides me over to Barry. He positions me by Barry’s bedside and Barry looks up at me, grinning softly. “Cisco and Caitlin are right,” he says. “Your premonition, or whatever it was, was spot on. It led me right to Jade. You had no way of knowing how dangerous it would be. None of us did. But now we do. And now knowing that, I’m even more glad you weren’t in her path.”

“Me too,” Caitlin adds.

I cross mg arms. “You guys aren’t gonna let me be the bad guy, are you?” I mutter.

The others smirk. “Nope,” Barry says, Caitlin shakes her head, and Cisco pats me on the shoulder.

I heave a sigh. “Well.” I look down at Barry. “I guess I’ll change the subject and say how grateful I am that you’re okay.” I place a hand on the blanket over Barry’s shin, and he smiles weakly.

“This rapid healing sure comes in handy,” he says. He reaches up and I take his hand and squeeze it. Tears spark in my eyes. Barry’s smile fades. “Hey,” he says softly. “I’m okay, really. Everything’s okay.”

Cisco puts an arm around me and Caitlin looks at me lovingly. I nod as a tear slides down my cheek. Now that I’ve gotten closer to these people, I can’t imagine losing them. And we got way too close to losing Barry for my comfort.

“Barry’s right, now we know how Jade operates and can proceed accordingly,” Caitlin says. “That’s a huge step, and it’s thanks to you.”

“Hell yeah,” Cisco adds, squeezing my side. I muster up a weak grin in response.

“They are right, you know,” Harry says softly from the corner of the room. The others looks at him. My heart leaps. I don’t look at him. I can’t.

“Wow,” Cisco says, letting me go and crossing his arms. He raises his eyebrows at Harry. “There’s another miracle.”

Harry smirks at him. “Just call me the Lord,” he quips back, resting his elbow on the side table next to him.

“I’m sure you’d love that.”

“I would.”

Barry chuckles and shakes his head, and Caitlin grins at Harry. But I can’t quite join in their levity. I have no idea how to conduct herself around Harry anymore. I feel guilty and embarrassed, but I’m also still angry. Just when I think I can trust him and that he finally accepts me, he throws me to the ground again. I’m done letting that happen.

Which is why it’s not great when Cisco looks pointedly at Harry and says, “Speaking of things we don’t know, what the hell were you talking about earlier, saying Alex killed someone?”

The room goes quiet. My bones freeze and Harry’s face hardens. He straightens up in his chair, his jaw shifting.

“How delicate of you, Cisco,” Caitlin murmurs, raising an eyebrow at him.

“What? Now that we’re all here, I figure we might as well just clear the air.” Cisco looks between Harry and me. “So? Anyone care to shed some light?”

Nausea replaces the guilt in my stomach. Well, it was bound to happen eventually. I would have preferred telling the Team about my colorful past when I was ready, but life has yet to work out that smoothly.

“What’s going on?” Barry looks bewildered.

Caitlin looks at me. “We don’t have to do this,” she says quickly, “In fact, we shouldn’t—“

“No,” I say, and the room is quiet again. All eyes are on me, including Harry’s. I don’t meet anyone’s gazes and keep mine on the floor. “It’s okay. It’s—” I swallow thickly against the hornet’s nest of nerves in my belly. “It’s time all of you knew.”

Here it goes. No turning back now.

“Knew…what?” Barry asks carefully.

I close my eyes for a second. Count to ten. I owe them this. After everything they’ve done for me, they deserve to know the truth. They’ve already seen so many ugly sides of me. Hopefully one more won’t ruin it all.

Because if it does, I don’t know what I’ll do.

“There’s something I have to tell you,” I whisper. I open my eyes and force myself to look at my friends, who all look back at me with careful, slightly worried faces.

Harry stands up from his chair. “Darrow,” he says softly, “you don’t have to—”

“Yeah, I do.” I cut him off. “And I’d prefer it if you weren’t here.” I finally look at Harry. Set my jaw.

Harry looks back at me, and again he tugs me in another direction, because he doesn’t look angry or vengeful or disgusted. He looks remorseful. His beautiful eyes are shining with regret. But I won’t fall for it again.

I look away from him. “You found out your way.” I fight to keep my voice level. “But they will find out my way.”

Harry just looks at me. His eyes are sad.

Goddamn it.

The others look in between me and Harry. I stare at the wall across the room. Harry looks at me a moment longer. His eyes bore into my cheek, but I won’t look at him. I have to start distancing myself. I have to start acting as if he isn’t here. As if he doesn’t matter. He seems to do it so easily. What will it take? I’ll find out.

“Okay,” Harry finally says, and I wish his voice sounded stronger, meaner, like his usual irritated, gruff, rude self. But it doesn’t. It sounds defeated, and tired, and like it has a thousand other words behind it. But none of that matters. None of it can matter.

My jaw tightens as my vision blurs. Do not cry, I order myself. Don’t ever cry because of him again.

After another moment of charged silence, Harry nods at the others and then walks out of the room. He keeps walking until he’s out of the Cortex. Once he’s gone, I release a shaky breath, letting my eyes fall closed again for a moment.

One day it’ll be easier. It has to get easier.

The others are still looking at me. “Alex,” Caitlin says, softly but firmly, and she leans forward in her chair. “Please tell us what’s going on.”

I raise my chin. I have a choice to make now. One that could change everything. It could confirm all of my worst fears. What if the Team hates me for this? What if they want me gone? What if I become the monster I’m so terrified of being?

But I have to give them a chance. These people who have saved my life over and over again. Who have seen the good in me. Who haven’t given up on me. Who have risked their lives for me. I hurt them, and they forgave me. They refuse to let me go.

Detective Joe West didn’t see me as a monster. Even when he saw the blood on my hands. I may think I’m a monster, but it’s never been for ending my father. Is it really an act of evil if it’s an act of survival? Is it not true that if I hadn’t killed my father, he would have killed my mother? Can I not allow the Team the chance to see that?

With another long, shaking breath and unsteady walk to one of the chairs, I sit down and decide that I can.

So I look my friends in the eye, and I tell them about the night I killed my father.

Chapter Text

The words rush out of me, a tidal wave, my cheeks burning hotter and hotter as they come, my eyes filling with tears at the point of no return. I can barely hear myself over the ringing in my ears, and I can’t make myself look at my friends as I confess.

When I’m done, there is a dreadful silence that I almost can’t take. Every inch of me wants to take it back, to laugh maniacally and say it was all a joke, to run out of the room.

But then Cisco huffs out a breath says, “Whoa, mama.” And there’s nothing in his warm brown eyes but sympathy.

Barry shakes his head and says, “That must have been so terrible.”

And Caitlin stands up and walks over to me, squats down in front of me, and places her hand on my knee. She says, “I’m so sorry you had to go through that.”

And I burst into tears.

***

We spend the rest of the night together. Cisco, Caitlin and I could’ve all gone home, as Barry was healing by the minute, but it seemed none of them were ready to leave each other’s sides yet. Which is fine by me. Despite my confession, the others still love me and want me. It seems too good to be true, but so does most of my life these days.

It gets so late that Caitlin and Cisco decide to drum up an old practice: they retrieve three sleeping bags and pillows from a closet down the hall and set them up on the floor of the med lab. “We used to do impromptu camp-outs whenever work ran too late,” Cisco explains as they finish setting up. “We figure tonight is a good time to bring it back.”

Barry and I exchange a warm grin as Caitlin dims the lights and Cisco turns on some relaxing spa music. And I find that, despite the lingering pain from my fight with Harry, the lingering guilt from Barry’s injuries, the lingering adrenaline from finally revealing her darkest secret, and, well, the hard Epoxy floor of the med lab, I sleep better than I have in a long time, warm and safe, surrounded by my friends.

Chapter Text

I awaken to murmuring and soft laughter. I yawn and stretch, wincing immediately at a twinge in my neck. Sleeping on the hard, Epoxy floor of the medical lab might not have been the best decision I’ve ever made, but I can’t regret it as the memory of the night before comes into my head. My friends’ easy acceptance of my darkest secret, their comfort, laughter and company balm any soreness I feel.

“Morning, sunshine,” Cisco greets me from a few feet away, sitting up in his sleeping bag, smiling lazily and waving. His long, shiny black hair is mussed with sleep and his deep brown eyes are bleary.

I smile back. “Hi,” I say in return, my voice hoarse. “Sleep well?”

Cisco nods. “Had a dream that I was at Texas Roadhouse with Angelina Jolie and she was feeding me their iconic rolls and honey butter, so I’d say yes.” He flops back onto the sleeping bag, looking dreamily up at the ceiling.

I laugh and shake my head. My gaze travels upward. Barry is still lying on the hospital bed, but he looks better. His skin has more color to it, and his eyes are brighter. Caitlin stands over him, and for once she looks casual, with her glossy hair tied up in a high ponytail and her clothing a gray STAR Labs t-shirt and black sweatpants.

I feel a deep warmth settle in my belly at the sight of them. My friends. I told them something I thought would drive them away forever only last night, and they did nothing but support and comfort me. I suppose I shouldn’t really be surprised, given their track record, but I’m still blown away. I fight any sneaking feelings of mistrust and uncertainty, and force myself to enjoy the moment. I even allow myself some smugness at the continued lack of Voices present. Check and mate, you vile shitbags.

Caitlin’s eyes find mine and she smiles. “Good morning, Alex,” she says brightly. Barry turns and smiles down at me too.

“Morning, Cait,” I say to Caitlin softly before shifting my eyes to Barry. “Feeling better, fast-man?” I ask, slightly tentatively.

Cisco sits up again and cranes his head to look at Barry expectantly.

Barry grins. “I am,” he says sincerely, glancing up at Caitlin, who grins back at him encouragingly. “A little tired, maybe, but.” He stretches his arms out and shakes them. “Rapid healing sure comes in handy.”

Relief floods through me. “Oh, I’m so glad,” I say, a lump forming in my throat. “I’m still so sorry—”

“Don’t even.” Barry gives me a look.

“Okay, okay.” I hold my hands up in surrender.

We all laugh and then Cisco yawns. “Okay, I don’t know about ya’ll, but I am starving,” he says. “Looks like Cait’s already there, but whaddaya say the rest of us go get decent and then get some grub?”

Barry groans. “Yes, please. My metabolism isn’t as ideal as my healing.”

I snort. “Oh, please,” I say as I stand and start gathering up my sleeping bag. “I’d love to be able to eat how much and whatever I want and not gain an ounce.”

Cisco rolls his eyes. “Girl, eat whatever you want anyway.”

“Amen to that!” Caitlin says.

I look at them and then laugh. “You know, I’m really not sure you guys are even real half the time,” I admit, rolling up the rest of my sleeping bag. Their genuine kindness and generosity still amazes me. And intimidates me, if I’m telling the real truth. Last time I was surrounded by people caring about me so much, I threw it all away. But I’m not going to do that again. Not after everything Caitlin, Barry and Cisco have done for me.

Yeah, you said the same thing about Lauren and Martha.

I stiffen and exhale sharply. Wince as far away but intense laughter clangs around in my head.

Yes, we’re still here, darling girl. Miss us?

Caitlin studies me. “Alex, are you okay?” she asks softly.

I blink hard and shake my head a little. Fuck off, fuck off, fuck off—“I’m good!” I insist, gripping my sleeping bag a little tighter than necessary. “Just still waking up, is all.” I chuckle weakly.

And watch my friends believe the lie as easily as they did the truth.

Chapter Text

Cisco finishes his latest joke with an exaggerated gesture, and Caitlin throws her head back and laughs, while Barry shakes his head before bursting into laughter too.

I watch them, in a trance.

Barry says something back and ruffles Cisco’s hair, and Caitlin nods in agreement and pats Cisco’s cheek, and they all laugh again.

I watch them.

It’s not before a hand waves in front of my face that I’m broken out of my reverie.

“Earth to Darrow.” Cisco pokes my cheek gently. “Hellooo?”

I blink and grin weakly. “S-sorry,” I stammer, straightening up in my seat.

Barry smirks. “Taking a while to wake up, huh?”

I just stare at him, and then stare at Caitlin, who looks back at me, a gentle smile on her face but concern growing in her eyes, and then finally at Cisco, who looks back at me with one eyebrow raised. “Do I have something on my face?” he asks.

I shake my head, too fast. “No! No. Sorry, it’s just—”

Caitlin rests a hand on mine. “What is it, Alex?” she asks softly.

I swallow hard and look at the surface of the circle table they’re sitting at, in the lounge. “I’m just…a bit…dazed,” I manage.

“Why’s that?” Barry rests his chin in his hand.

I roll my lips in between my teeth. I feel so bewildered. Almost like I’m in an alternate reality. Which apparently is possible. “Well…I don’t want to kick a gift horse, but…I mean, last night I told you guys I’m a murderer, and this morning you’re all sitting here laughing and eating breakfast with me.”

Realization covers their faces in turn. Caitlin nods and exchanges a knowing look with Cisco.

Barry leans forward. “It’s like you said. You did what you had to do.” He shrugs.

Caitlin nods again. “Yeah. Your father was a…very bad man.”

Cisco grins. “And that’s about as harsh as she can get.” He nudges his knee with mine.

I stare at them.

Cisco reaches up and stretches. “Anyway, I wouldn’t consider you a murderer. More of a…self-defenser.” He cocks his head and squints.

Barry clucks his tongue and arches his eyebrows. “Your naming skills are taking a hit, I see.”

Cisco lightly jabs his fingertip into Barry’s forehead. Barry grins at him.

I stare.

Caitlin squeezes my hand and waits until I look at her. She smiles. “We’ve all done things we’re not proud of, Alex. But we did them for the people we love.” She looks hard at me. “That’s what you did, too.”

Barry nods. “Exactly,” he says. “We’re just sorry that you had to go through what you have. And do what you had to do.”

“Plus, you’re the expert on the situation,” Cisco adds. “You don’t need any lectures from us.” He puts a hand on my shoulder. “Just support.”

That’s when the tears start falling again. It’s not like I expected these angels around me to stop being angels. But it’s a whole other thing to experience it. I’ve punished myself for so long for what I’ve done, I’ve convinced myself I’m a monster, I’ve buried it down so I could function during the day, only for it to come back and haunt me in the night. I know why I killed my father, but the explanation wasn’t enough after a while. It was like I forgot my reasoning. Like I’d just fallen into darkness and believed myself an evil, irredeemable person. But now, to hear these words from these people who I know are heroes, to be validated that I did do it for the reasons I’d once believed but started to lose…I can’t help but feel hopeful for myself once again.

I wipe my eyes and laugh weakly. “I love you guys,” is all I can say, the words broken but sincere.

Caitlin’s eyes are shining as she wraps an arm around me. “We love you too.” She lays her head on my shoulder.

Barry grabs my hand and wipes his own eyes, and Cisco fans his face. “Whoo. You sure are the most sensitive murderer I’ve ever met.” He takes a swig of his orange juice.

Barry knocks the bottom end of the cup up, and Cisco sputters as he coughs, and Caitlin whacks him without taking her head off of my shoulder.

“Ow! Damn.” Cisco grumbles, wiping at his chin and looking down at the wet spot now on his shirt.

And I have never been happier.