Work Text:
Bdubs stared down at the package on his doorstep. Random mail wasn’t exactly uncommon on Hermitcraft, but the fact that it hadn’t been sent through the postal system made him very suspicious. It gave the unassuming little box a secretive energy to it.
Touching it seemed like a bad idea, actually.
Bdubs took a step back, trying to think the situation through. The box didn’t seem to have anything on it that’d allow him to easily identify which Hermit had sent it, which in itself crossed a few off the list.
It couldn’t have been Pearl, since the lack of using the actual mailboxes gave the impression that she shouldn’t know about this package. It also couldn’t have been Etho, since he’d be completely willing to use the postal system to send things like scams and blackmail (and Pearl probably wouldn’t care if he was).
So that narrowed it down a little further, but certainly not enough. What Bdubs really needed to do to figure out who sent this package was to open it.
Terrible idea, really.
Bdubs retreated back into his house, returning moments later equipped with thick gardening gloves. No way was he gonna touch this thing barehanded.
Bdubs knelt down to pick up the box, holding it away from himself as if it was radioactive. Knowing the other Hermits, it very well could be.
“Alright you little pest, let’s see what’ch you are.”
He carried it over to his outdoor work station, setting it down on the clearest surface currently available (he was extremely caught up on his spring cleaning, thank you very much!), and, after a few moments of waiting to see whether or not it exploded upon contact with blocks, he carefully opened it up.
Inside was…
“What the HECK?!” Bdubs stumbled back, before realizing that the strange little bug inside of the box wasn’t actually alive.
Inside the box was a copper pillbug and a red-tinted envelope, stamped with a familiar symbol.
“You gotta be kidding me, freakin’ Tek variety mail?!” Bdubs grumbled to himself, resisting the urge to shove the box onto the ground. “Thaaat sick— hmph. Well if he thinks I’ll forgive ‘im for everything he’s done because he gave me a bug he’s WRONG!”
After a deep breath to calm himself, Bdubs tore open the envelope, curiosity getting the better of him.
As expected, there was a letter inside. The handwriting was neat, the words a shining red that looked a bit too much like blood for comfort.
“‘Dear Bdubs, I hope this letter finds you well.’ It does! No thanks to you. ‘I would like to address one of the current rumors circulating the server, specifically the one involving you. And although we’d probably both prefer to keep this strictly on paper, I feel it’d be best to settle it in person. Please meet me outside of Tall Claims Court at midnight tonight, and we’ll discuss the situation.
Sincerely, Tango of the Tek variety.’”
Bdubs stared at the letter in his hands, reading it over a couple more times. “Aether above,” he eventually muttered out, “I’ve been invited to get murdered in front of my own courthouse.”
The shopping district was darker than Bdubs expected it to be. He’d been out and about after dark before, sure, but it had been awhile since he’d skipped sleeping, and he must have forgotten how low the lighting was in some areas, especially in front of the POE building and the courthouse.
He glanced up at his build, the structure’s indents suddenly much deeper than they were before. He wasn’t paranoid per se, just… cautious. And he had every right to be! Who knew what kind of creatures lurked in the darkest corners of the world, ready to jump out and snatch up a lone Player.
Phantoms could swoop down and take him away, for heaven’s sake! He was completely defenseless out in the dark!
Bdubs walked faster, eyes constantly scanning his surroundings. He would NOT be caught unawares. Not by a creeper, or phantoms, or–
“Heyyyy! You finally made it!”
Bdubs practically jumped out of his skin, whipping around with the bravest glare he could muster.
Between the pillars of Tall Claims Court stood a silhouette, staring back at him with its bright red eyes.
Bdubs groaned. Of course, of all the Hermits who could’ve surprised him…
“Alright you Nether-spawned scum, what do you want with me?!”
Tango laughed, seemingly unfazed (which only served to annoy Bdubs more). “Well aren’t you in a mood tonight? Here I was hoping that you actually missed me.”
“NO! Of course I didn’t miss you! We talked yesterday!”
Tango rolled his eyes, striding casually down the steps. “More like two days ago, actually. Anyway, that’s besides the point. I’m here for the explanation you promised me, and I was wondering about this, too.”
To Bdubs’ surprise, Tango held up a little pillbug, an exact copy of the one Bdubs got in Tango’s package to him earlier that day. Although there seemed to be one tiny detail missing.
Wait a minute– the one I got has an engraving.
“So what? You’re the one that made it.” Bdubs crossed his arms. Whatever Tango’s act was, he wasn’t falling for it.
Tango’s eyes widened, the movement of his head the only thing letting Bdubs know that he was looking back and forth between him and the pillbug. “Huh? No I— YOU sent it to me!”
Bdubs couldn’t help but let out an incredulous laugh. “What?! YOU sent one of those to ME. It has your stamp an’ everything!“ He pulled the thing from his inventory, tossing it over.
Tango caught it with a lower arm, blinking in confusion. “That’s… I didn’t make this.” His voice was barely above a whisper as he turned it around in his hand. “How does it have my engraving on it?”
“You tell me.” Bdubs glanced away with a huff.
“…So, you didn’t want to talk to me about what happened yesterday?”
Bdubs squeezed his eyes shut with a grimace. He honestly did not want to talk about it in the slightest. He’d rather stay mad about it for another day.
“If it makes any difference, I’m sorry.” Tango sounded sincere, surprisingly enough.
“You better be! You nearly drowned Leprosy!” Bdubs turned back to face him with a scowl. “If it hadn’t been for your dumb Teknicians we wouldn’t be here right now!”
Tango’s ears flattened against the sides of his head. “YOU’RE the one who broke him!” He hissed through bared teeth, “it’s not my fault that you hit him with a horse!”
“THAT’S what you’re arguing about?”
Tango and Bdubs both jumped at the sudden interruption, and Tango dropped Bdubs’ pillbug as it buzzed in his hand.
“This is seriously all about Bdubs’ horse running over one of the Teknicians?”
The other pillbug buzzed, and Bdubs jumped to snatch it out of Tango’s hand, turning it over in search of a speaker.
“And here we all thought that you guys had broken up!”
Both pillbugs buzzed and laughed in Etho’s voice.
“You’re just jealous that I’ve been smoochin’ Tango and not you!” Bdubs yelled back, trying his best to pry open one pillbug by the groove in its side.
Tango blushed furiously, reaching over in an attempt to take the bug from Bdubs, only for Bdubs to yank it away, hitting Tango in the process.
“Ackqakcck— Bdubs!”
“Uh huh, sure you have. How about we just calm down before you two ki—“
Bdubs crushed one copper pillbug beneath his shoe, before finally managing to pull the other one in half, his roughness causing several springs and screws to fall out.
“Oh snappers. How about we stop with the fighting and just have a nice, casual conversation.” Etho’s voice came from behind them, now.
Bdubs whirled around, trying to spot him in the darkness.
Tango blinked, staring at something Bdubs couldn’t see. “What are you even doing here, man?!”
“I wanted to see how my little… ‘project‘ turned out!“ Etho sounded much too cheerful for Bdubs’ liking. “It’s not going as I was expecting, but I’m still glad it worked.”
“What are we, a science fair display?!” Bdubs shouted, still unable to actually see Etho. “What d’ya mean by ‘project’?!”
Tango made a huffy-growly sound, crossing his arms. “Whether or not we broke up over a horse drownificating is none of your business, jerkface.”
“Well, Scar thought it was. Good to know you disagree.”
“Scar’s been— y’know what?!" Bdubs yelled. “Why don’t you come out where we can actually see you!”
Tango blinked, apparently surprised. “What do you mean?”
Bdubs turned his glare to him. “Not everyone has stupid glowy eyes and can see in the dark!!”
“Okay, okay! Gaia below, calm down.” Tango held up his hands in a placating gesture. “Can a guy not make a simple mistake? Geez.” The last part was added under his breath, barely loud enough for Bdubs to catch.
“Yeah! Can’t he?? Like, y’know, trampling something with a horse could certainly be a simple mistake!”
“You two sure you haven’t had a breakup?” Etho was suddenly between them, and Bdubs jumped back with a yelp (though it was barely audible over Tango’s own screechy-yelly noise). “Cause you’re arguing like you’ve had a breakup.”
Bdubs’ crossed his arms indignantly. “I always argue like this!”
“You’re not wrong, actually…”
“Sooooo, are you going to keep bringing up our relationship status or can we go home now?” Tango’s tail lashed as he raised an eyebrow. “I still have some Teknician repairs that need skadoodling.”
“And I,” Bdubs raised his voice once again, “need my shweep!”
“Uh huh. There isn’t gonna be any apologizing, then?” Etho looked mildly disappointed. “I impersonated both of you guys’ handwriting and Tango’s logo for this!”
“So that’s why it wasn’t sent through the mail system!” Tango’s eyes widened in realization, all four hands gesturing wildly. “You had to make sure I didn’t know! You knew that Pearl would ask us why we were using each other's mailboxes!”
Etho shrugged nonchalantly. “Mmmm, maybe.”
“And what about the bugs, huh?” Bdubs yelled. “What was with those?”
“Speakers and microphones, so I could listen in and comment on things if I wanted to.”
Tango looked down at the crushed remains of the copper pillbugs mournfully, no doubt wishing that he had been able to dissect them himself.
“You freakin’ tr— uh, trickster… um.” Bdubs stumbled over his words as he tried to think of a good insult.
“Trick-ificator!” Tango supplied.
“Yeah, that!”
Etho looked between them, then sighed. “Fine, I guess I’ll just meddle with relationships elsewhere.” He looked at both of them again, this time pulling his best puppy-dog eyes.
“We’re not kissing for you.” Tango said flatly.
“And we’re already divorced right now!” Bdubs threw his hands in the air. “Is that not enough for you?!”
“But… that was a week and a half ago…” Etho sighed dramatically. “But also, I mean… since it’s been so long…”
“We’re not kissing you, either!” Bdubs yelled, and Tango nodded in agreement.
“Aw, you guys are no fun.”
Tango whispers to you: Psst, hey, wanna get back at Etho for all that?
You whisper to Tango: YES I’m so glad you asked
You whisper to Tango: But no planning right now
You whisper to Tango: I gotta shweep