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“I thought we promised never to lie to each other, Neptune”.
Neptune froze. There it was, that cold again. The type of cold he had tried hiding from. But whatever he did, he would never succeed escaping the haunting shadow. He started to become anxious again, feeling remorse and guilt lingering in his core. At this moment he felt tense, apprehensive but also liberated.
— —
He was actually a very curious fellow. All the smallest things up to the vastness of the dark sea of space had sparked a warm light in Neptune's core. He yearned for exploration, knowledge, answers to questions he has yet to ask. He was as free as his mind and eager. Eager to learn something he didn't know yet.
The other thing he was looking for was a companion, maybe a friend to explore the unknown together. He knew Uranus was focused on the two gas giants instead so he didn't feel comfortable asking. The others were too far away to be physically able to accompany him on his quests through the outer solar system. So he needed a companion.
Often, his mind would wander off farther than his body did. The vastness of the dark space pulled you in, far into the unknown, far into the cold. But that's a type of cold you wouldn't mind. It was more chilling, tickling and calming than cold, actually. Like a deep blue sea, with each wave it would take you farther away.. far from home, but you wouldn't mind because this is what you've always wanted.
Just imagine. You are steering your ship across huge clouds of nebulae, immense constellation structures, glimmering stars and unknown islands. Each lightyear away from home, it would get stranger and stranger, yet so.. beautiful, and lingering. You want to go further and further, faster and faster, to explore everything, everything that you've ever wanted or maybe even never thought you did but you'd still enjoy it as much. Forever ahead and ahead!
Zooming through the gigantic waves which splash against the wrack of your ship. These splashes of glimmering stars rain down on you as you dash through the neverending sea. Faster and faster.
Faster. Further away from home.
Don't you feel sick? Seasick? No, not seasick. Homesick.
But you can't just turn back now. You've come so far and there's so much more ahead!
You'd turn around one last time to see the faint star you came from. A small speck, painted alongside the other stars on the huge cosmic canvas. Maybe you do miss home. Your orbit, friends, the small asteroid collection you made.
Take the wheel again.
Friends? Weren't you looking for one, though? The others didn't join you, so why would you consider them your friends? Uranus did tell Neptune about his new moons just that day. They were so tiny but they would follow you wherever you go. Maybe he just needed moons, too. Someone tiny but still there for you. That would be enough. You wouldn't be all alone in this dark sea.
Steer away. Just, take the wheel again.
Neptune, in fact, did have a few moons as well. They weren't awake yet so he didn't want to scare them to wake up. It would be a disturbing experience to be brought to life through fear.
Fear is important, however. It keeps us safe from dangers. Dangers that are looming in the dark. Dangers he should have seen coming.
TAKE THE DAMN WHEEL–
And danger came unexpectedly. Like a giant wave, unexpected, it came.
Zooming right in front of him, caught in the nets of his ship. It damaged the masts, the ship slowed down and became unstable.
He should have just taken the wheel and steered away.
It was too late. The ship was sinking. His broken ship. What would he tell the others? The Sun?
It was an accident, a surprise. Whatever.. this wasn't enough of an excuse. Excuse.. yes, he was looking for an excuse, because he didn't take the wheel. He was at fault for this mess.
It suddenly got cold. It wasn't the type of cold he knew. It was an unusual cold, unpleasant, almost hostile. It covered him like a wet blanket. Uncomfortable. It only got colder and colder. This wet blanket was heavy, too.
He was struggling to keep his body up, his mind free. Anxious. Almost like he was tied to the anchor of his sinking ship, he slowly was drowning in guilt and remorse.
What have you done.. They are gone because of you.
But am I really at fault? Did I do that? I didn't mean to!
Yes. You are at fault.
He couldn't move. Not just because of the stiffness of the cold, but he felt uneasy, fearful. He has run away so far from home, his safe place, so far that he was lost. Lost in the darkness of the sea. The sea he was drowning in.
Uncertainty. Regret. Fear. Fear of the dark, the cold, himself. He failed, he messed up. He wanted to go home but home was just so far away.
Where is home? I- I want to go home, please..
Someone..?
I'm drowning..
I'm trapped..
I'm at fault..
The mind was never supposed to be free.
“Who are you?”
…
— —
He didn't remember anything from before that day. Maybe he was just asleep and never had been awake before? That version of the story didn't sit right with Triton. Something happened, but he couldn't identify what exactly. He didn't quite believe the blue planet either. But he had no choice. It's not like his memory seemed to be willing to cooperate for another few years, then the years after that, the years after, and so on and on..
He simply accepted his “new” reality, or at least he felt like it was new. Maybe he was just shaken from the sudden awakening from his slumber. He couldn't sneakily escape Neptune’s gravity either.
He could have spent days wondering about this odd feeling of being lied to, but it only made him feel more and more trapped. It's actually not like he couldn't move freely, Neptune did seem more chill about his occasional ventures off his orbit, but Triton was constantly followed by Neptune's other moons who were significantly smaller than him. And more noisy.
He had thoughts about escaping, but Neptune would easily find him as he knew the outer solar system better than anyone else. Not to mention the little moons having annoyed him constantly by following each direction he took. So, he simply decided to wait for his moment, and hopefully try to find out the true story of his origin, if the one Neptune told him wasn't real, which he believed almost entirely.
— —
Neptune wasn't particularly good at hiding something, at least at first. He would act nervous and anxious whenever he was around Triton, constantly reassuring himself and Triton about him being his moon. It probably did raise suspicion though so he was soon to stop doing that as he found an alternative.
Occasionally, he would still go into the Kuiper Belt to look for asteroids for his collection that he was still working on. He didn't feel confident going further though.. maybe it was the cold, maybe it was the darkness that would lure him in again and make him do things he would regret later on. It was best to not think about it and focus on your task.
Asteroids after asteroids, he wandered through the vast belt and looked for something he didn't know yet. It felt.. freeing, to be in a cold place again, the type of cold he was used to.
He made a few findings of oddly shaped asteroids, but they didn't catch his interest as much to be brought back into his orbit. He didn't even know if he'd find anything this time, after all, he did know this place almost by memory. Maybe he did enjoy wandering around aimlessly, though. Maybe he'd want to return to this place again and again, every time with no memory of what has happened before.
He felt like he was being watched. From the back of his mind, he could sense that someone was always looking and following him. Maybe he's wandering through the Kuiper Belt, because this is where it's harder to spot him, because of all the dust and debris. He was just looking for a safe space, running slowly away from whoever this stalker may be.
Maybe he was just hallucinating. It wasn't his first time either. Sometimes, he would hear echoes of different voices, laughing, whispering, talking. They weren't talking with him, but they were seemingly talking about him. It was almost like he was haunted by invisible beings who knew about his secret. He would see faces on asteroids looking in his direction with a focused stare. He couldn't make up if they were judging him or poking fun at him. Either way, he felt uneasy..
Wandering further, he stumbled upon something bigger than the usual asteroid. He had never seen this object in the belt before, it wasn't round either, like Pluto. It seemed to have suddenly appeared in front of him, as if it was meant to be.
Neptune noticed something strange about this object, or, well, it felt like it. It almost looked like him, except it was lacking something – a face. Are asteroids sentient like us? That question sounded weird, but was still valid. This asteroid certainly was huge, maybe even bigger than some of his smaller moons, yet it still didn't appear sentient.
What if I gave it a face myself?
He wasn't exactly the greatest painter like Uranus, but he did sneak around his friend occasionally to see what he was up to, learning some basic skills like painting and writing letters and numbers.
Back in his orbit, he took out a paintbrush Uranus gifted him and started painting a small face onto the large found asteroid. He was trying to depict himself as close as possible on this asteroid, after all, it did weirdly remind him of himself.
He finished off quickly and took a look at his result: shaky lines, stretched, distorted face that felt like it was about to fall apart or wash off. It looked almost sad. Imperfect. Flawed.
Again, he wasn't the greatest painter, he knew that already. He didn't know why he even picked up the brush in the first place, he knew it wouldn't look as good as Uranus' masterpieces. But something about it felt oddly liberating. He felt like he was able to talk about his thoughts with someone who wouldn't judge him, who wouldn't punish him for his flaws. The flaws were just there, and no one but him and his thoughts knew the truth behind them.
Guillermo.
A gilded shield. Protection against the dark, cold and escape from the truth. The truth that no one knew about.
Not at least until now. Now, when he asked again.
Neptune almost forgot about everything that happened thanks to his protective shield. But that shield was long lost, just like his mind.
Everything rained down again as soon as the truth was brought back to light.
The light that always sparked in him when he was free. Free from the guilt he had to carry all the time. The guilt he forced himself to carry.
That light sparked again.
Maybe he was finally ready to open up and free himself from the guilt. He was ready to face something new again.
He was free again.