Archive of Our Own

The mission was going well. They’d gotten into the tower in one piece, there were no guns pointed in Techno’s face and there was no obnoxious blaring alarm. So, all things considered, it could’ve been going worse. However, all things considered, it also could have been going better. 

This was mainly due to the man known as Philza Minecraft, who was having way too much fun for a stealth mission. He was really killing Techno’s whole ‘ominous anarchist who will destroy this entire tower from the inside out’ vibe. 

“Techno, look! They haven’t changed the fucking passwords! Oh they’re so fucking stupid this is the greatest day of my life.”

“Code names, Angel, use the code names. We have them for a reason.”

“Oh fuck off, it would be hilarious if they knew it was me. Maybe not you, but me.” With that declaration, Phil promptly flipped off the closest camera. It was probably fine. They were always going to know it was Phil, the wings were a dead giveaway. This was a great stealth mission.

Techno sighed. Why was he the responsible one in this mission? He should’ve stayed behind in the van with Wilbur and Tommy. Actually, he didn’t particularly want to be in a small confined space with Wilbur and Tommy. He looked ahead. Phil was trashing some random person's office and cackling over the lack of component security protocols. 

“Let’s just make this quick.”

***

Wilbur was a bitch. Wilbur was also bald. These were two known facts in the universe and their truth was undeniable. Combined, Wilbur was the bitchest bald bitch that there ever was. Ever. 

“Please, please, please just let me drive. It would go so great, I am 100% a great driver and it would be 1000% funnier. Imagine Phil’s heart attack when he sees me barreling down the street with my expert big man driving abilities.” Prime, Tommy was such a good convincer. He had such persuasion, such manipulative powers, such grace, such charisma, such-

“No.”

“Wilby please,” Tommy dragged out the please and tried to do his best impression of puppy dog eyes. He didn’t really know what puppy dog eyes looked like so he was trying to recreate that one dog he saw that other day that looked slightly murderous. It probably had a knife or some shit. 

Wilbur looked like he was going through all seven stages of grief simultaneously while also being constipated. “Don’t pull that Wilby shit on me.”

“I’ll fight you bitch. Try me.”

“I would win. You are weak and a child.”

“I am a big man and I will kick your ass.”

“Try me.”

That sounded like a challenge. Was that a challenge? Definitely. Tommy unbuckled his seatbelt and leapt. 

***

This was rather awkward. There was a man in the elevator when it opened. He didn’t look up from his phone. Techno looked at Phil. Phil shrugged. They shuffled into the elevator. 

Techno peered over at the guy's screen. He was playing Candy Crush rather aggressively. This was awkward. Techno cleared his throat. Phil shuffled from foot to foot. There was an extended period of silence before the man finally looked up.

His eyes widened in a comical expression and his mouth formed an almost perfect ‘O’ before he looked back at this phone, this time with significantly more urgency. Philza and Techno lunged at the same time, Phil grabbing the phone and Techno grabbing the man’s wrists. The elevator lurched dangerously, which was probably not a good sign all things considered. 

The elevator started to slow, almost reaching the man’s intended floor. The doors opened in slow motion as the three of them slowly stared at it. Phil seemed to regain control first, as he chucked the phone out and slammed the close door button again. The man looked like he was mourning the loss of his phone more than he was mourning the loss of his freedom, which was rather concerning. 

Techno almost felt bad for him as he ziptied the man’s wrists together. He was kinda just sadly staring at the floor. Phil looked at Techno. Techno looked at Phil. He cleared his throat. He was not built for social interactions. 

“So…the weather huh?”

“Yes, the weather has really been happening mate.” Philza looked like he was on the verge of laughter. That traitor. Maybe Techno should just leave him in the elevator with this random dude and see how that goes. 

The guy in question glared up at them. “Fuck you guys. I’ve been stuck on that level for literal weeks and I was so fucking close.” 

“Ah, sorry about that mate. Hopefully one of your co-workers will be able to return the phone to you.”

The guy glared at the floor. Techno gave a vague nod of agreement from the corner where he’d situated himself. He was so winning at social interaction with his fellow human beings. This elevator ride was taking an awfully long time. He looked over at the panel and…the button hadn’t been pressed. 

“Phil, you are kidding me right now? You didn’t press the button. We’ve just been sitting on this floor.”

“Oh, well in my defense-”

“Phil? Philza Minecraft? Crowfather?” The random guy cut Phil off, seemingly looking like he was much more concerned about his freedom now, which was honestly kinda insulting to Techno. Techno was plenty intimidating. 

Phil grinned at the guy, “Yes, that would be me. Which you would not know if some people here used codenames.” Phil glared at Techno. Bruh. “I do go by the Angel of Death now, if you could maybe spread the word. Anything I can do for you in the meantime?”

“Holy shit, I am going to die.”

“Don’t worry, you won’t die, you'll just be confined in a small area for an unknown amount of time until someone finds you.” Techno was so reassuring. Two ticks for social interaction in one day—he was really on a roll. Hopefully this poor guy didn’t have claustrophobia. 

“I have claustrophobia!" 

***

“Get off me you gremlin!” Wilbur screeched. 

Tommy grinned, “What’s that thing you told me earlier? Oh mememmeme Tommy you’re blowing our cover stop screaming memmeme. Well maybe I could say the same thing to you right now. Cover blown.” He paused. “Bitch.” 

“Oh my god Phil is going to kill me when he gets back and sees the state of the van.”

“Have some respect and say oh my prime like a proper man would.” 

“I’m going to die here. Phil is going to kill me. This is the end. It’s been an honour to fight alongside you Tommy, except it hasn’t really because you’re annoying and I hope we never see each other in the afterlife.” 

Tommy paused. This was probably a trap, but, “Why is Phil going to kill you?”

“He’s not going to kill me, he’s going to kill us. Have you seen the state of this van?” Wilbur gestured around the van wildly, or as wildly as he was able to with limited arm movement. 

That was…a very good point. Tommy did not particularly want to die today. If he died here, how would he get all of his wives? He wouldn’t, and that was simply unacceptable. 

“Okay boys-”

“It’s literally just me.”

“Okay boys, the plan is simple. Here’s what we’re gonna do. Wilbur, you are in charge of cleaning up everything. I, being the most responsible person here, am in charge of supervising your cleaning up.”

Wilbur stared at Tommy blankly. Tommy widened his eyes in a very advanced intimidation technique. Regrettably, it did not work. “Tommy I’m not cleaning your mess up,” Wilbur deadpanned. 

“It’s not my mess! I didn’t even cause most of the mess. You are a co-owner of this mess too. Actually, you know what, let’s just call it our mess.” 

“....No.”

“Great, then it’s your mess and you’ll get this all cleaned up and Phil won’t kill us and we both survive and it’s gonna be super duper great and when they get back I’ll be the getaway driver. So we’re in agreement?”

“Still no.”

“How about this: the ultimate challenge of physical strength that will determine once and for all, who made this mess and who has to clean it up. Who will rise to the occasion and who will fall from grace and possibly die while Phil returns. Who is the man here, and who is the child. Expect we already know the answer to that last one so this really just determines the other stuff. Anyways, I propose paper scissors rock.” 

Wilbur stared at Tommy in disbelief. Tommy gave his most convincing nod (it was very convincing).

***

Techno patted the random guy’s head awkwardly. “Sorry about this, can’t really let you just wonder about the building because…you know.”

Random Guy stared back up at Techno. “All I wanted to do when I left work this morning was beat my Candy Crush level, dude give me a break.”

Phil gave the guy a look, “That is unfortunate but what is probably more unfortunate is the fact that I will have to gag you so you can’t scream for help.”

The man sitting in front of them with his ziptied hands held sadly in front of him looked like he’d just had an epiphany. “HELP-”

Phil lunged forwards and slapped his hand over the guy's mouth. 

“Huh, I was wondering why he didn’t scream before,” Techno remarked. The guy made some angry grumbles as Phil secured the gag over his mouth. 

“So we’ve gotta run now, but hopefully someone finds you soon, but not that soon because I’d like to be out of the building by the time they find you. Anyways, have a good life mate, hopefully we never meet again.” Phil gave the guy thumbs up. The random guy glared back. Techno slowly backed out of the social interaction. 

Phil took great joy in locking the door once again, laughing because, “The fucking passwords! Unbelievable, simply unbelievable how stupid they are! Now, where were we again?”

Techno gave him a look, “About to break into one of the most secure facilities in L’Manburg.” 

“Oh right. Should we make sure Wilbur and Tommy are doing okay? Maybe they can give us some comms and we can avoid another kidnapping situation.” Phil tapped his earpiece, and Techno did the same. 

“Boys? Boys? Are you doing okay?”

There was a rather lengthy pause and then an abrupt burst of static before Wilbur’s voice came through.

“Great! Everything is so great!”

A loud thud and a muffled voice could be heard in the background that sounded suspiciously like someone saying something along the lines of, “It’s shoot!”

“Shoot? What’s shoot? Where’s shoot? Is someone getting shot?” Phil panicked. 

By the sound of it, Wilbur also panicked. “Huh, shoot? What shoot? There is no shoot here. No guns. We are so gunless and so responsible and everything is super great right now.”

Wilbur was really great at lying until he wasn’t. The man would spin tales woven from golden thread designed to draw you in and hypnotise you and capture you and never let you go, leaving the listener hanging off the very edge of the thread before it dropped and they were sent spiralling down a cliff a thousand meters tall. And then sometimes he was like…this. 

Techno tuned back into the conversation to find Wilbur very adamantly insisting that he had never even heard of a gun. 

“Phil, I don't quite understand what you’re talking about. What is this supposed thing you call a gun? I have never heard of such an object. Actually wait, I don’t even know if it’s an object because I don’t know what a gun is-”

“Wilbur, where’s Tommy?” Techno decided to put Wilbur out of his misery. Social skills stay winning.

“Tommy? That’s a good question. Tommy, can you come over here and tell Phil and Techno you’re fine?”

There was another crash, vaguely followed by something that sounded like, “My van now, bitch!”

Cue a muffled scramble. “Tommy, Tommy no!”

“Uh, is everything really okay?” Phil’s brow was heavily wrinkled and he looked like he was about to have an aneurysm. 

“Yep, everything is great. We have never even heard of guns and I am in complete possession of the van. There are no problems here. I will just let you guys get back to your mission, ping me or something if you’re about to die! Bye bye now.”

The line went dead. 

Phil looked very concerned. “Do you think they're actually fine? Should we go back?”

“You know Wil and Tommy, probably just having some dumb argument.” God, those two were gonna owe Techno for that save. “What we should really be concerned about is our lack of information about what lies ahead of us. Focus on the mission.”

The winged man seemed to have a bit of an internal dilemma before deciding that going back down to stop whatever argument Wilbur and Tommy were in the middle of was not worth it, and what they should really be worried about was getting caught in the middle of enemy territory. 

“From what I remember, we should be almost there. The vault is right down this corridor.”

“Do you think the corridor has traps? Because what if we walk down this corridor and then boom lasers. Boom dead Techno and Phil.”

“I doubt they’d be smart enough for that,” Phil frowned. 

“But what if there are lasers?” 

“If there are lasers you can say I told you so.”

“I can’t say I told you so if we’re both in tiny pieces from the maybe lasers.”

Phil seemed to contemplate this. “Fine. We’ll chuck this…” There was a pause as he looked around. “Trophy! We can throw this trophy down.” 

“Trohpy? Wouldn’t that be clunky and loud?”

“Who cares, it’s someone’s trophy and it’s in this fancy display so they clearly like it. That means I don’t like it. Let’s just trash some of their shit while we’re here, the passwords will probably get changed afterwards.”

Techno sighed. Why did this feel like babysitting? In the time he had taken to consider Phil’s proposal, Phil had already smashed the display case and grabbed the trophy.  

“Phil why did you-”

He was abruptly cut off by the sound of a blaring alarm. 

“Oh shit.” Phil summarised all his current thoughts rather elegantly.

***

“I’m about to kick your ass,” Tommy grinned.

Wilbur raised an eyebrow. “You’re going to kick my ass in rock paper scissors?”

“Yes.”

“I’d like to see that happen. Assume starting positions.”

Tommy grinned widely, “I am going to win.”

Wilbur looked at him blankly. 

“Rock, paper, scissors,” they said in unison. 

“Shoot!” Tommy screamed, which is where everything went wrong. 

Wilbur paused, his hand in a rock shape. “You don’t say shoot? And what is that meant to be?”

“It’s a gun, bitch! I win! Take that!”

“You can’t do a gun. That’s not fair.”

“Uh, yes I can. Why else would it be rock paper scissors shoot?”

Wilbur looked like he wanted to get a rock right then and there and bash Tommy over the head with it. It was rather amusing. “There is no shoot. Anyways, how would your stupid gun beat my rock?”

“Glock.” 

“I’ll just smash it with my rock.”

“I’ll smash your face with my glock.”

“But I have better reflexes.”

“But you're actually shit at this game.”

“You are an infuriating child, has anyone ever told you that?”

“Your hairline is receding, has anyone ever told you that?”

“There’s no shoot.”

“There is too!”

“No there isn’t because-”

Wilbur was rather abruptly cut off by a ping from the nearby screen. This was a sign from the universe that Wilbur was in the wrong because whatever he was saying was absolute bullshit and Tommy was always right. Wilbur seemed to decide that whatever the ping was, it was probably fine. “Anyways, as I was saying, it isn’t shoot because-”

There was a rather comical moment where Wilbur seemed to realise what exactly that ping had been. “Oh shit, that was Phil and Techno wasn’t it?”

Tommy nodded rather sagely because he was like a herb. “Prepare to die shortly.”

There was a mad dash as Wilbur scrambled for the monitor. Tommy could hear Phil’s voice saying something along the lines of,  “Boys? Boys? Are you doing okay?” but he really could not care less. The important thing in this scenario was that Wilbur is so incredibly wrong in all situations ever. 

Wilbur was trying to reassure Phil or something so this seemed like a really good time to say, “It’s shoot!” because Tommy's brilliant opinion should be shared with the world. 

This did not seem to go over well with Phil, as he was panicking greatly, “Shoot? What’s shoot? Where’s shoot? Is someone getting shot?” 

Phil’s panic made Wilbur panic which was a fantastic opportunity that should definitely be taken advantage of. By the sounds of it, Wilbur didn’t even know what a gun was. Ha, what an idiot. No wonder he’d lost rock paper scissors so spectacularly.

Tommy decided to use his very existent stealth skills to sneak towards the driver's seat while Phil was educating Wilbur on the existence of glocks. 

“Wilbur, where’s Tommy?” Techno’s deadpan voice could be heard across the van. Uh oh. That was not good.

“Tommy? That’s a good question. Tommy, can you come over here and tell Phil and Techno you’re fine?” Wilbur looked around the van widely, desperately searching for Tommy. They made eye contact as Tommy was clambering into the driver's seat.

Regrettably, his expert stealth powers made the tactical decision to abandon him at that moment and Tommy tumbled over the seat and almost fell on top of the wheel. However, because he was simply too good for that, Tommy quickly managed to regain his balance and sit upright again with an air of triumph. 

He flipped Wilbur off, because it was necessary for survival, “My van now, bitch!”

“Tommy, Tommy no!” Wilbur screeched. Tommy really did not know why he was so concerned. This was an expert driver in the driver's seat, which is really what you want in all ideal situations ever. 

He refocused on the task ahead of him. Now, which one was the break and which one was the acceleration again? It would be pretty funny if he accelerated into the hero tower. That meant that it was the right course of action and he should definitely do it, right? 

Cons: He only slightly knew how to drive, the van could break, he could get injured, Wil could get injured, Phil would be mad, Techno would be disappointed, they could get caught.

Pros: It would be very funny. 

Yeah, he was doing it.

Tommy risked a glance back at Wilbur and found that he was significantly closer to the driver's seat, seemingly having ended the call with Phil. The curly haired man was picking his way across the debris on the van floor, muttering under his breath about the mess he would have to clean up. 

Yet another win for TommyInnit. The mess he would have to clean up. Not Tommy. 

It was now or never. This was his moment. Tommy slammed his foot on the accelerator pedal, or at least the pedal he assumed was the accelerate and…nothing happened. 

“Wil! Wilbur, why isn’t it working?” 

“I don’t know, maybe the van just doesn’t like you very much.”

Tommy let out what could only be described as a very manly squeal. In his defense, Wilbur was a lot closer than he expected him to be. He peered over at the controls, squinting for a bit before looking up at Tommy in an expression of pure disappointment. 

“Tommy…you didn’t turn the van on.”

Tommy looked down at the controls, then back up at Wil. He did the only thing a man in his position could be expected to do. He let out a manly screech.

***

There was another guy staring straight at Techno. This was rather awkward. Had he not suffered enough today? Had he not already been through his daily quota of social interactions? 

The guy opened his mouth as if he was about to say something. A trophy slammed into him and he crumpled to the ground as the trophy continued flying down the possible laser corridor. As it turns out, the possible laser corridor was an actual laser corridor as several lasers emerged and absolutely demolished the trophy. 

Techno turned to look at Phil. “I told you so.”

The guy on the floor groaned weakly and Phil frowned, “We should’ve kept him conscious. Could’ve gotten rid of all these lasers or some shit.”

“Can we turn off this stupid alarm already?” Techno complained, “It feels like my ear drums are about to explode outta my skull.”

Just then some other random employee in a maintenance uniform ran up to them and immediately froze. Techno almost felt bad for them. All these guys were clearly not paid enough to deal with professional heists. 

“Phil can you like-”

Techno was cut off by the maintenance man, “Phil? Philza Minecraft? Crowfather?”

“I feel like we’ve heard this before, but yes that is me.”

The maintenance man looked like he was going to shit himself. Techno looked at Phil and tried to communicate a ‘make him go away,’ kinda gesture. 

Phil sighed rather dramatically. “I am the Angel of Death and if you don’t disable this alarm I will kill you right here because I do such villainous things like murder.”

Techno gave Phil a subtle thumbs up. The maintenance man was visibly shaking. Phil looked like he was regretting so many of his life choices. 

“Right, let me just, I’ll just, I’m gonna, you know, disable this alarm.” The maintenance man subtly shuffled off. 

“Do you think he’s going to get help,” Techno questioned, “because I don’t really wanna fight like five guys on what was meant to be a quick in and out stealth mission. Also, nice work on the intimidation.”

“Thanks, I channeled my inner Wilbur,” Phil grinned, “He said that to me the other day when he was doing his, quote unquote, Philza impression.” 

Techno stifled a smile. “Pretty accurate I would say.”

“Oh you little shit!”

“So about those lasers, would it be morally wrong to throw whoever comes up next down the laser hallway.” 

Phil paused, “Probably, but I did just threaten to kill that guy. Speaking of, do you think we should check up on him? I want this whole alarm situation resolved. The laser situation gone would be nice too.”

Then, because the universe absolutely hated Technoblade and Phil for no reasonable reason, five guys showed up ready to fight. Techno sighed and drew his sword. Would a light stabbing be morally wrong? He didn’t really want to clean his sword again. And blood was such a pain to wash off. 

However, the voices did want blood and these guys were in a very convenient position for that. Maybe if it was an excessive stabbing it would be wrong, but if he only really lightly stabbed them in the name of anarchism it would probably be fine. So much for a stealth mission. 

***

A sharp knock on the window startled Wilbur from where he was guarding the driver’s seat. He peered up at the window and saw some random lady with a concerned expression on her face. He could already tell this was going to be a major inconvenience.

“Excuse me, I heard a rather loud screech coming from your van and was wondering if everything was okay?

Wilbur’s eyes widened. Why did Tommy have to scream? All this could’ve been avoided if they’d just left him at home. “No, everything is all good madam!”

“Who screamed, might I ask?”

“No one, no one screamed. I think you must’ve imagined it. So sorry about your hallucinations.” Of all the lies he was going to commit to, now he seriously had to commit to gaslighting this woman into believing she had hallucinations of screaming children? That seemed very morally wrong.

Tommy seemed to sense Wilbur’s panic from wherever he was sulking and decided it would be very funny to scream at that precise moment.

The lady looked up sharply. “What was that scream? Who else is in the van?”

Wilbur snapped his head back to Tommy, “Tommy shut the fuck up, stop screaming.”

“Tommy? Who’s Tommy? Is he alright? I didn’t really want to say anything before, but an unmarked black van with a screaming child inside sounds like a kidnapping.”

Prime help him, if he was going to go down for kidnapping Tommy of all people that would be so humiliating. There were so many other crimes to get committed for. Maybe he should just confess to murder. Would that be bad? 

“Sorry about him, that's my, uh, younger brother.”

Tommy grinned up at him, “You are like my older brother.”

“Don’t say that, I will cry,” Wilbur replied, trying (and failing) to keep the grin off his face.

“My big brother’s gonna cry?”

“No, stop. I know what you’re doing, you-”

The woman by the window rather rudely cut off their conversation by waving her phone in the air. “I will call the police.”

Wilbur slunk down in his seat, “Please don’t let me go to prison for kidnapping Tommy of all people.”

“Was that a confession? Did you kidnap this child?”

Tommy decided to take that as his cue to enter the conversation, sticking his head out the window before Wilbur could stop him. “I am not a child, I am a big man. And you are foolish to assume a man of my power and muscle could be kidnapped by a scrawny figure like this.” Tommy gestured vaguely in his direction, whacking Wilbur straight in the forehead.

“If anything, I would have kidnapped him,” Tommy continued, because when you reach rock bottom the only thing to do is start digging. Or in Tommy’s case, start eating the mud. That had been a rather amusing afternoon. 

The woman looked very confused. “So you kidnapped this man?”

Tommy nodded vigorously, “Yes, I sure did. I overpowered him with my muscles.”

“No, no,” Wilbur waved his arms frantically, “no one has been kidnapped, everything is fine. We’re just waiting in the van because our Dad left to go and…get milk. Yeah he went out on a milk run.” 

Tommy paused from where he was leaning halfway out the window, “Is that why my Dad left? He was getting milk?” 

“No, Phil’s getting milk.”

“Do you think he’ll buy me chocolate milk? Actually scratch that, I want chocolate ice cream. Actually scratch that also, I want vanilla ice cream. Two scoops. Rainbow sprinkles.”

“Why would you choose vanilla ice cream of all flavours?”

“Bitch, you’d probably choose mint chocolate chip or some other abomination.”

Wilbur paused, “There’s nothing wrong with mint chocolate chip ice cream?”

“How dare you?” Tommy gasped from where he was flailing around halfway out the window. “You. Me. That alleyway over there. Meet me at sunset, I will kick your ass.” 

“Uh, so should I be calling the police or not?”

***

Phil thought that the ‘light stabbing,’ as Techno had insisted on calling it went exceptionally well, all things considered. As an added bonus, the lasers had somehow gotten switched off in the fight. That was probably due to Philza slamming someone against a wall and right into the conveniently placed power box that controlled the lasers.

It was quite amusing to figure out that the same password was still applicable for the lasers, for some ungodly reason. Those fucking idiots. They probably wouldn’t even change the passwords after they’d been robbed. God, he was glad he’d left while he still could. This was way more fun than filing mission reports and endless paperwork.

However, there was a slight issue. “So, how are we planning to escape exactly,” Phil asked, “Because we didn’t really make a proper plan and most of it was hinging on our supposed stealth."

“Easy. We just stab ‘em all,” Techno replied. 

That seemed reasonable. “Hopefully Tommy and Wil manage to navigate to the pickup zone, but in the meantime, I think this is the correct door from what I remember?” 

The door in question was plain and unassuming, with no obvious signs or markings. However, it was a solid hunk of metal so Phil had no idea how he was meant to get through it. Unless they launched random objects at the wall, but he wasn’t too keen on that idea. 

“Uh mate, how are we gonna get through this wall?” Phil really hoped Techno had a convenient solution to their current issue. 

“Easy solution, nukes.” Huh, seems like Techno did have a convenient solution to their current issue.

“Nukes?” Phil side-eyed Techno. Where did he get nukes from?

“More like mini bombs. But I got them off Tubbo and he insisted on calling them nukes.”

That was…convenient but concerning. Phil made a mental note to figure out where Tubbo had acquired nukes from when he got home. Actually, knowing the boy, Tubbo has probably just made the nukes himself. This issue was shoved in a neat little mental box called ‘problems for later,’ which meant that Phil could just not think about this ever again for his mental sanity.

Techno was frowning at the small box in his hands. “So I think if I just place this by the door and then back away, it should work? I kinda stopped listening to Tubbo because he went off on a tangent about the history of nuclear warfare.”

“So hypothetically this could just explode in our faces?”

“Hypothetically, yes.”

Phil was not feeling particularly reassured right now. “Okay, let’s just both back away quickly.”

The pink haired man was currently squinting over a remote control at what would have to be deemed a safe distance from the bomb, given that this corridor was extremely cramped. They really should’ve invested in a better architect.

“I’m just gonna press this big red button because I have no idea and I don’t have my glasses on me.”

“Wait, maybe I should have a look at the-”

Phil was cut off by a rather abrupt, quite loud explosion that shook the entire corridor. When the smoke cleared, the door was gone. 

Techno spoke first, “Huh, that was rather effective. Maybe I should have Tubbo make more of these.”

“Maybe that’s not a good idea-”

“Down with the government. These guys are kinda cringe anyways.” 

Phil mentally filed this in the, ‘problems for later box.’  

“Alright, we’re here now. Let’s just get what we need and get out.”

Techno paused, “What exactly were we looking for again?”

“You’ll know it when you see it. It’s like a book, should be pretty worn and will be pretty recognisable as mine.” 

“You mean this?” Techno was holding up a very worn photo album that was fraying around the corners. Proudly written across the front in crooked red crayon was, ‘Philza Minecraft the expert photographer and only man ever.’ 

Phil couldn’t help the rush of relief that came over him upon seeing that stupid album, “Yes, that’s the one.”

There was a pause, “We broke into the most secure building in L’Manburg for your photo album?”

“...Well to be fair, I wouldn’t really call it the most secure building in L’Manburg given the lack of security we’ve been witnessing in the past hour or so. There are some embarrassing pictures of Wilbur and Tommy if that helps you at all. And that’s not the only thing I came for.”

He scanned the shelves for it, where was it, it had to be here. Not that shelf, not that shelf, not-

“Why was your photo album locked in a vault?”

That was…a very good question. Phil hummed, “I don’t really know. Maybe they were scared of that one photo or Wilbur and Tommy.”

“Or maybe this was a trap?”

“What, no? This couldn’t be a trap,” Phil felt a bit bad about dismissing Techno but he really needed to find this. “Where is that little shit it’s- aha! There it is. Finally, we can leave now.” He reached for the little black box on the shelf and that was when alarms started going off for what felt like the hundredth time, except these alarms were considerably louder and had fun accompanying flashing lights. 

“I’m getting the feeling they know where we are.”

“Would they not know where we were when we triggered that last alarm?”

“You mean you triggered that last alarm. I had absolutely nothing to do with that.”

“You agreed the trophy was a good idea.”

“I disagree. I do not remember saying anything remotely close to that, it was-”

That was the precise moment when a bunch of people wearing military uniforms burst through the destroyed vault door.

***

This woman at the window was almost as much of a bitch as Wilbur. She kept talking about calling the police on them or something because, ‘kidnapping was not okay,’ and, ‘your dad might’ve abandoned you and left you without parental supervision.’ 

Did she not know that Tommy was such a big man that he actually counted as like five adults? And his Dad had abandoned him ages ago, so he was way ahead of the game there. Wilbur said he went out to get milk, which was kinda weird. Tommy didn’t really know his dad that well, but he hadn’t realised he was such a big milk fan. 

Prime, Tommy wanted ice cream right now. “Wil, I want ice cream. Can you buy me ice cream?”

Wilbur paused from where he was trying to reassure the woman everything was okay. Tommy had to turn his head back awkwardly from where it was dangling out the window. “Phil will get you ice cream when he comes back with the milk.” 

“Promise?”

Wilbur looked like he was having a whole ton of life regrets, but then just dumping his problems on Phil. “Promise. Do you hear that sound?”

“What sound?” Tommy asked. Actually, now that he listened closer, he could hear an alarm of some kind. That was odd. On his second observation, it seemed like it was coming from the hero tower. Tommy leaned further out the window to try to look at the hero tower. The woman scooted back subtly.

Odd. The entire top floor of the hero tower was flashing red. 

“What do you see, Toms?” Wilbur asked.

“This child is going to fall out the window,” the woman screeched. 

Tommy frowned at her. “Shut the fuck up, I’m concentrating on not falling. Prime, it’s like you want me to fall out the window. Wil, the entire top floor of the hero tower is flashing red.”

The entire top floor of the hero tower…wait. Isn’t that where Techno and Phil were?

Wilbur seemed to be coming to the same conclusion as Tommy as he yanked Tommy back into the van. 

He waved at the woman, “Bye, bye. We’ve gotta skedaddle now, it’s been great meeting you.”

‘’It’s been horrible meeting you, I hope we never see you again, kidnapping is so poggers when I am the kidnapper and Wilbur is the kidnapee.”

The last Tommy ever saw of the woman was her bewildered expression as Wilbur sped off into the distance, her phone still hanging limply in her hand.

“Where are we going, Wilbur?” Tommy asked, “Because it feels like you are randomly driving off into the distance.”

“I have no idea. Can you look at the rendezvous point?” 

“Can I drive? Please, please let me drive.” 

“...No. Just get the location.”

Tommy squinted at the little dot on the monitor. “Huh.” 

“What is it, where am I going?” Wilbur practically screamed, just barely swerving around some random pedestrians. 

“It appears that they are currently in the middle of the air and rapidly descending approximately fifty metres from our current location. Look up.” 

***

The heist was not going well. They’d gotten Phil’s photo album and whatever else he’d come for, but now they were currently facing far too many armed guards. Why they hadn’t shown up earlier, Techno was unsure. The security here was kinda lame. 

Techno would’ve loved to go in for a second light stabbing, but all the guards were standing far too out of reach for that. Cowards, the lot of them. What was this? If you were gonna beat someone up, at least do in a good old-fashioned fight to the death.

Due to the stealth nature of the mission, Techno had also neglected to bring any backup weapons, because he naturally presumed they would be stealthy enough not to encounter any other people, which was a perfectly logical assumption. He should’ve brewed invis pots. Though Phil might’ve still blown their cover even with invis pots. 

It was probably too late to be thinking about invis pots at this point in time. Some guy from round the corner yelled, “Surrender now and maybe we’ll go easy on you for your punishment.”

Techno also scoffed. These guys couldn’t even afford a megaphone of some kind. What a bunch of losers. 

He side-eyed Phil. “These guys are kinda out of stabbing distance, which is probably a bad thing. If you’ve got some secret plan up your sleeve, now’s the time.”

“I have an idea, but you’re not going to like it.”

That did not sound good.

“It involved smashing that window and flying out.”

That was not good.

“Maybe we can just negotiate. Have you ever considered negotiating? Would it help if I just told them we’re here to be friends? I love friendship.”

“It’s either this or getting stuck in that fuckass Pandora’s vault.”

“You know what? Pandora’s doesn’t sound that bad. Free accommodation, free food, limited social interaction—what more could you ask for?”

“Wil and Tommy as chaotic as fuck, they can and will trash your stuff if you’re gone for more than a day.”

“...Fine. They better not have left us already and messed with my soapbox like last time.”

“Don’t worry, I’m sure they’re on their way now. Maybe I should send them our location.”

“Yes, let’s do that and maybe not jump straight out the window.”

There was a shout from the vague direction of the military dudes, but they were kinda irrelevant at this point. Techno really did not want to jump out that window. “It’s not too late to surrender, come out with your hands up!”

“I’m gonna be honest, I feel like maybe we didn’t think this one through all the way. This is terrible Phil, they’re not even actively shooting at us. These guys are so incompetent, imagine how cringe it would be if we died here.”

“Mate, we’re not gonna die here. All we have to do is smash that window and-”

A bullet lodged itself in the wall next to them. Then another bullet. And another. 

“Oh fuck, we’ve gotta smash that window. Any ideas?” 

Techno looked around. There was no conveniently placed trophy in a glass display. However, there was a rather heavy looking metal orb on the shelf next to him. It was probably important, given that it was in the vault, but Techno could not care less. He threw it at the window and it shattered almost instantly. 

God, these guys even had weak windows. How lame is that? 

Phil blinked, “Do you think that orb was important?”

“Probably, but I am also of the strong belief that not being shot is important. Can we make a run for it now?”

“Okay, we’re gonna have to try and run in a line while dodging bullets and not get shot. No problem at all. Easy peasy.”

“On the count of three?” Techno suggested.

Phil nodded, “One.”

“Two.”

“Three,” and they ran for the window. 

***

Wilbur was panicking. It would be kind of funny if Tommy wasn’t also currently panicking because holy shit Techno and Phil were hurtling towards the ground at like fifty million miles an hour or somewhere around there (he wasn’t very good at the general concept of numbers). 

“Wil, do something!”

“What the fuck do you want me to do?”

“I don’t fucking know, get out of the van and save them or some shit?”

“And how am I meant to do that exactly?”

“Use your body as a human cushion to stop the fall.”

Wilbur stared at Tommy. He stared back. “Do you want us all to die?”

“Don’t worry, in the ideal scenario only you die.” Prime, Tommy was so reassuring. 

“How am I meant to do that? They’re falling too fast for me to do anything.”

“You’re meant to be the responsible one here! Responsiblise us out of this issue.”

“Responsibilise isn’t even a proper fucking word.”

“Maybe we should get out of the van?”

“Okay then, let’s just get out the van and see how that goes then, why don’t we just fucking get out of the van, huh?” Wilbur seemed to process what was happening. “Actually yes, let’s get out of the van.”

Tommy paused, “In the time we have been logically discussing the best course of action, aka sacrificing you as a human cushion, would they not have hit the ground already?”

Wilbur paused from where he was losing a fight with the childlock on the door. “Yeah they’ve probably hit the ground. Wait, they’ve probably hit the ground. Fuck, fuck, fuck! Stupid fucking door, why won’t the fucking door open-”

“Wilbur, it's childlocked.” In the time that Wilbur had spent getting owned by the door, Tommy had clambered out of the van and was staring at Wilbur with his most disappointed expression. “Obviously, childlocks do not work on me, because I am a big man and you are a puny child but-”

“Tommy! Techno and Phil!”

Oh right. Oh wait. Oh shit. Oh fuck. This was not good. Tommy spun around on his heel in the other direction and looked up. Huh. They were no longer in the air. Where had they gone? He spun in a circle. Where the fuck were they? Did people disappear after they died? Holy shit, were they dead?

Maybe if Tommy had just gotten out of the van a little bit faster this wouldn’t have happened and Phil would be back with the milk and they could go and get ice cream and Phil would take them to the park like he promised and Techno would do that little half smile of his and call Tommy a nerd when he lost for the millionth time at sparring and-

“Toms?”

Tommy turned to look at Wilbur, who had finally managed to conquer his number one enemy: the childlock on the door, and had somehow moved in front of Tommy. 

“Wil? Are they gone are they-”

“Boys! Get in the van!”

Was that Phil’s voice? Was he going crazy? Was he imagining stuff? Maybe this was Phil’s ghost. Yeah that seemed plausible. Tommy turned in the direction of the voice and saw- 

Hang on, that can’t be right. Phil and Techno were bolting towards them at top speed followed by like twenty dudes with guns. Wait. Twenty dudes with guns. That wasn’t good, and by the looks of it there were more on the way. 

“Get in the fucking van!” came another scream. Holy shit they were alive and in the wise words of Philza Minecraft himself Tommy had to get in the fucking van. 

Tommy pulled himself together faster than Wilbur and lunged at the van door. The van door which just so happened to be the driver's seat. Fuck yeah Tommy was the getaway driver.

Wilbur glanced over at him. “Tommy get out of the fucking drivers seat.”

“No can do, they’re almost here. How about you get in the van so we can leave?”

Wilbur glared at him and tried to open the door. Jokes on him, Tommy locked the door, including the childlock. There was no way Wilbur was getting him. Wil seemed to heavily debate his options before sighing and walking around to the passengers seat. 

However, once he was in the passenger's seat, Wilbur attempted to wrestle Tommy out of the driver's seat. At that precise moment, Techno and Phil came crashing in through the back doors of the van, slamming the doors after them. 

“Floor it, now!” Phil screamed.

Techno paused, “Why is Tommy driving? Wilbur, what did you do?”

“Why is it my fault? I can’t be held accountable for-”

“My van now, bitch!” Tommy hit the accelerator pedal. By some miracle, the van actually went forwards. 

“Tommy you don’t know how to fucking drive! We’re gonna die!” Wilbur screeched.

Prime, Wil was so overdramatic sometimes. “Don’t worry, I’ll learn along the way. Phil, can you teach me how to drive?”

Phil looked like he was about to have a heart attack. “Sure, but maybe now isn’t the time?”

“Please? It can be a good bonding activity for us.”

When Tommy glanced back at Phil, he looked very conflicted. Ha, the plan was working. 

“Tommy, don't take your eye off the road!” Wilbur screamed again as they narrowly avoided driving straight into a storefront. Keyword: narrowly. Tommy was such a good getaway driver. Wilbur really was a theatre kid at heart.

Tommy glanced back at Phil to give Wilbur a heart attack and really solidify it. 

“I guess I can teach you to drive?”

“Can we get ice cream afterwards Dad?”

Phil looked like he was about to cry. His eyes were all misty and he had that sappy old man smile on his face. What did Tommy even say? Was Phil really that much of an ice cream fan? “Did you just call me Dad?”

“What? No? I didn’t hear that, did anyone else hear that because I sure didn’t.” Tommy tried to backtrack, which was totally working. “I think you’re deaf. And hallucinating because I definitely did not say that.”

“Aw mate it’s okay, it’s-”

“I hate to break up this bonding moment,” Techno interrupted, “but there are several vehicles that are currently converging on our location.”

“Tommy get the fuck out of the drivers seat!” Wilbur cried. “For fucks sake, you can’t even drive, do you want to crash the van and die?”

Tommy considered this. On one hand, it was highly amusing to watch Wilbur panic. On the other hand, he really had no idea what he was doing and he didn’t particularly want to die when he was pretty sure Phil had just promised to get him ice cream.

“Okay.” Tommy proceeded to clamber out of the driver's seat and crawl into the back of the van with Techno and Phil.

“Holy shit, Tommy!”

“What? Can you stop being dramatic for like two seconds we’re totally fine.”

“No one’s driving the fucking van!”

“Seems like you better get on that,” Techno dryly remarked as Wilbur attempted to navigate his limbs over the seat. 

Tommy peered out the window and immediately saw the several cars rapidly speeding towards them. This was a bit of an issue because no one was currently driving the van and Tommy had not been going particularly fast when he was driving the van, mainly due the fact he didn’t know how to drive. This did mean that the military cars were almost at the van. 

“Guys, it seems like there are a lot of bitches out there who wanna kill us because they’re stupid and they suck,” Tommy announced to the group.

“Bruh, I said that before and everyone just ignored me.”

“You said there are a lot of bitches out there who wanna kill us because they’re stupid and they suck? Technoblade I cannot believe you would say something so horribly offensive like that, what happened to your ad revenue hm?”

Techno slowly turned his head to look at Tommy. “It’s not too late to open the door and chuck you out.”

“Phil! Technoblade is bullying me again. He is harassing a child. Wait, no. Not a child. A big man. I didn’t say child. You all heard nothing.”

“Wil, could you speed up a bit?” Phil was peering out the window and looking progressively more concerned. 

“I’m working on it, maybe we wouldn’t be in this situation if someone here had just climbed into the passenger seat. Just saying.”

“Prime, that’s so crazy. I wonder who that someone could be.”

“Those guys are like right there.” Techno pointed out. “I think that dude just shot at us.”

“Swerve Wilbur! Use evasive manoeuvres. Be like a humble fly and simply just evade capture.”

“Not fucking helpful Tommy!”

“Why are you being so mean? I’m trying my best and offering wisdom to you, and I feel like you’re not really appreciating it. Phil, Wilbur’s being a bitch again. Everyone is out to get me today”

“Sorry mate, I’m a tiny bit distracted.”

“Hey, that dude just shot at us again. I think they hit if that sound is an indicator.”

“Dodge Wilbur, dodge!”

“I am trying.”

“Dodge better!”

“I’m fucking trying!”

“Techno, do you have any more explosives or something?”

“Nah, used them all on that vault door.”

This was Tommy’s moment, “Oh I have explosives!”

Wilbur turned to look at Tommy. “You have what now? We’ve just been sat in this van with fucking explosives.”

“Are you deaf? That’s literally what I just said. Anyways, what was that thing you were saying before? Look at the road or some shit? Maybe you should get on that.”

Wilbur muttered something under his breath that sounded like it was along the lines of ‘fucking gremlin child going to commit homocide.’ That was rude. Tommy took issue with being a ‘fucking gremlin child,’ that was not at all accurate. 

“Why do you have explosives?” Phil looked rather concerned.

“Tubbo!”

“Why does Tubbo have explosives?”

“Tubbo!”

There was a pause as Phil seemed to try to figure out what the appropriate response to that would be. “Do you know how to use them?”

“Nope! But I do have these instructions.”

He dug around in his pocket and produced a folded sheet of paper which was rather rudely labelled, ‘nukes for idiots (tommy).’ The audacity. Tommy threw the paper at Techno because he was probably an English scholar or some shit. It is a well known fact that only English scholars and psychopaths read the Art of War for fun and have the entire book memorised to perfectly recite quotes at any given moment and Technoblade was most likely both of those things. 

“Is it the same as the nukes Tubbo gave me?” Techno asked.

"I’ve got no fucking clue. Wait, Tubbo gave you nukes as well? I feel scammed.”

“Bro, I don’t know either. We don't have time for this, I’m just gonna chuck this out the window and hit the big red button because that worked last time.”

“Sounds pog.” Tommy flashed Techno a very reassuring thumbs up. Techno blankly stared at him and chucked the nuke straight out the window while still maintaining direct eye contact.

Prime, Technoblade was so cool. Almost as cool as Philza Minecraft, the man himself. 

Speaking of Philza Minecraft, Phil looked confused. “So did that work or-”

He was cut off by a rather abrupt explosion.

“Holy shit, Tubbo’s insane.” Phil looked like he was having a bit of a moral crisis, but hey, there were no more cars chasing them!

Tommy paused, “Actually boys, can we throw a second explosive? Because I didn’t film that first one and I feel like Tubbo would really like to see it. We almost set it off in the house but then we determined that this would make us less likely to die via Philza Minecraft."

Phil pinched the bridge of his nose. “No we can not set off anymore explosives because- Actually. Back up a second. What do you mean you were going to set off a nuke in the fucking house?”

Tommy laughed nervously, “The important thing to note here is that we did not set off a nuke in the house. So do with that information what you will.”

“You two little shits almost blew up the house?”

“Phil, Phil, Phil.” Tommy raised his hands in a placating manner. 

“Time for Beltza,” Wilbur called from the driver's seat in a sing-song voice.

“Wil, for fucks sake, stop with the Beltza. It’s not a thing.”

“Wil and Techno, you’re not really being supportive of my case right now,” Tommy frowned. “I would appreciate a little bit more warmth and support from your general direction.”

“Phil, I could stab him,” Techno suggested. “Or I could chuck him out the van door. Just saying.”

“Oi, why would you stab me? How would I get my ice cream as a reward for being such a good getaway driver?”

“We almost fucking died because you!” Wilbur screamed. Prime, you’d think he’d be over that by now.

“We almost died because Phil wanted some dumb photo album,” Techno pointed out. “It was definitely a trap.”

“It was not a trap. They never even saw us coming, that’s why this was a stealth mission,” Phil argued.

“Phil, there were literal lasers that almost destroyed us.”

“Lasers? That sounds so awesome. Can I go up there with Tubbo and evade the lasers?”

Phil looked like he had aged ten years in the past ten minutes. “No, no more lasers. Maybe it was a trap after all, but this was important.” 

“Moe important than not getting blasted by lasers?” Wilbur called from the front seat. 

“Shut the fuck up Wilbur, you can’t come with me and Tubbo when we go see the lasers.”

“I don’t want to see the lasers.”

“Yes you do-”

Phil cut Tommy off (which was honestly rather rude because Tommy was always in the right). “I got this too.” He held up a small black box that was honestly…kinda boring. 

“Phil, that is so lame,” Tommy announced. “Where are the women?”

“Mate we’re not kidnapping women.”

“But my many wives.”

Techno gave Phil a look. “Is that what I think it is?”

“Yup.” Phil opened the box and inside there were…rocks?  Tommy leaned in closer and counted four rocks in total, two set into earrings, one on a necklace and one on a bracelet, all surrounded by gold metal. They were extraordinarily shiny even in the dimly lit van, but they were a nice deep green colour. 

“Philza Minecraft, not that I am questioning your judgement or anything like that because obviously you are the only man ever, but why did you bring back shiny green rocks?”

Phil looked like he was seriously questioning his life decisions, “Tommy, those are emeralds.”

“Oh! Like those friendship emeralds that you never stop talking about? Phil, why didn’t you get those? Where are the friendship emeralds?”

Techno looked confused, “Phil, you told me the hero tower melted them all down in a volcano and chucked them off the edge of a cliff right into the ocean. You know you could’ve told me what we were going in for right?” 

The man in question sighed heavily. “Tommy these are the friendship emeralds. I did not just steal random rocks. And Techno, I wanted it to be a surprise?”

“Why do you sound so unsure?” came the voice from the front seat, “What are you not telling us Phil? Is this going to be your epic betrayal moment?”

“Well, the hero tower did tell me they melted them all down in a volcano and chucked them off the edge of a cliff into the ocean. And I did believe them.”

“Phil, you fucking idiot, why would you believe that? And Techno, why would you believe Phil when he told you that? That is the most unconvincing shit I have ever heard.” Wilbur leaned over the seat to look at them. “What I’m basically hearing right now is that we just broke into the hero tower for a photo album.”

“Bruh, I just assumed Philza was telling the truth.”

“In my defense, I thought it was the truth.”

Tommy was bored. “Can we go get ice cream now?”

Phil sighed, “Sure mate, we can go get some ice cream now.”

Wilbur perked up. “Can I get mint chocolate chip?”

“Oh you bitch-”