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Since Mira didn't expect anything for her birthday she hadn't bothered to even share the date with anyone. Not Celine and definitely not Rumi and Zoey.
Birthdays had always been a transactional thing for Mira.
Gifts begrudgingly given because it was expected, not out of any sense of love and affection. She'd realized than on her ninth birthday, when she'd gotten her first gift card. Birthdays became indifferent affairs with stilted dinners and cakes that were always a flavor preferred by her parents or brother rather than herself.
A part of her balked at the thought of those two girls who had quickly meant so much to her ending up giving her something because they had to. Or worse, giving her something meaningless. Mira, of course, had learned their birthdays immediately, and intended to give them everything she hadn't.
Her last birthday before she'd run away had been no different except her mother had given her a dress that had filled her with a sense of dread. Mira immediately knew that it had meant she was officially on the market to be married off to whatever awful son of another prominent family they could foist her onto.
She'd ran away within a few days, drawn by a warm feeling that had refused to let her go until she'd wound up meeting Rumi.
A year later, she was in a different, better place with the tentative beginnings to a different family.
Mira had retreated after their afternoon training, content to—or maybe just willing to— celebrate her birthday silently in her own room. At least she didn't have to field any questions if the girls thought her mood was off. Zoey might not notice yet, but Rumi was perceptive and had known her longer.
It was lonelier then she'd thought. Most days, she'd be outside or on the couch, hanging out and chatting with Rumi and Zoey before dinner. But she'd always spent her birthdays alone and that was evidently a habit she wasn't ready to break yet.
She tried to read and not think about them; easier said than done.
It was the smell of something sweet that drew her out of the book she had finally gotten engrossed in. The scent had filled her room gradually and Mira glanced at the time on her phone. She'd only been reading for about half an hour which didn't feel like all that long at all.
Someone knocked on her door and Mira froze.
"Mira?" Zoey asked, "Uhm … can we come in?"
"Sure." Mira tried to not sound as uncertain as she felt. Instead,it came out almost excited and that was somehow worse.
But Zoey had been nothing but sweet since they'd met and Rumi's awkwardness had melted away somewhat over the past year and the scary part was just how much she wanted to see them.
Even if it had only been about half an hour since she had seen them last, that didn't count. That was training. This was…bonding, she supposed.
Mira hadn't known what she'd expected, but Zoey carrying a tray of cupcakes —one with ten more candles than was strictly necessary—wasn't one of them. She sat up, staring as Zoey beamed and Rumi had that soft smile she got when she was genuinely happy.
"What … what is this?" Mira asked, heart threatening to burst out of her ribcage.
"Birthday cupcakes, of course!" Zoey set it on the end table next to Mira's bed.
She meant to tell them it wasn't her birthday. Instead, she asked, "How did you know?"
It was Rumi who answered, "I asked Celine to find out. I thought… I wanted to be able to do something nice for you. So we baked you some cupcakes."
"I did most of the baking," Zoey whispered much too loud to actually be a secret.
"I helped!" Rumi protested.
"You got frosting everywhere."
Indeed, there were smudges of frosting on both their cheeks and Mira couldn't help the smile that formed on her face. Her eyes dropped to the cupcakes, then back to the two girls. She didn't know how they did it. How they always managed to find some way to get under her skin.
Then the scent hit her and her eyes watered.
Zoey smiled, "Make a wish before you blow!"
"This is my favorite flavor…" She wiped at her eyes, made a wish and blew out the absurd number of candles.
Zoey looked at Rumi, and Rumi nodded at her. So Zoey held out a small package, "We tried to coordinate a little bit. Rumi said … well we thought … uhm anyway."
The gift from Zoey were gold studs for her ears. Mira put them in immediately.
Somewhat shyly, Rumi offered another package. Inside was a gold chain, small heart-shaped gold pendent danging from it. Mira held it tightly in her palm, looking between them like they'd hung the stars in the sky.
Mira had thrown her phone so hard the screen cracked. She didn't really care, simply curled in one corner of her bed trying to breathe like a normal person and not someone who was on the verge of a panic attack. It was stupid. She shouldn't have answered the call from her father. She'd known it would go bad, because it had always gone bad with him. He didn't care about her, only what use she could be to him and —
He could ruin this, she knew he could.
Even though she hadn't seen her parents since she'd ran way—since the Honmoon had guided her to the tree and to Rumi— she was certain he could still ruin this somehow; his lawyers were that good.
"Come home and throw your silly dreams in the trash," Mira mumbled, pulling her legs up and hugging them.
He really could ruin the only good thing she'd ever had; Rumi and Zoey, her duty, a fucking calling in life that actually meant something.
She grasped her necklace in her hand, worrying it between her fingers. The act was comforting, helping her center herself. It brought back Rumi's soft smile and Zoey's laugh and the scent of vanilla lingering in the air and Mira started to breathe easier.
Maybe Celine could do something. Celine had to do something. This was more than her own comfort and safety, this was about the safety of the whole world. It was an easy enough angle for her to sell because Mira took her Demon Hunting duties much more seriously than she'd ever thought possible. Even if it wasn't her primary concern —the frightening realization that being taken away from her friends was the worst punishment possible made her nauseous— it was still a consideration.
Rubbing the gold pendent between thumb and forefinger, she let the action and the texture of the metal sooth her. After a few minutes, she uncurled herself from her bed and stood.
But when she found Celine, Celine had simply squeezed her shoulder and told her they would get a new phone and change her number and not to worry; she had a place here as long as she wanted it.
Much, much later, Mira found out that Rumi and Zoey had also gone to Celine and asked her to do something about Mira's parents.
As far as Mira knew, they'd never tried contacting her again.
Zoey was napping across both Rumi and Mira, which was apparently her favorite spot. Mira stroked her fingers through Zoey's hair absently, gazing down at her face with undisguised affection. She felt Rumi lean against her, head falling onto her shoulder and she held her breath until the movement had settled.
For the moment, she let herself enjoy this. Let the warmth of their bodies and the soft sound of their breathing lull her into a sense of contentment. Even if they didn't feel the same way, even if they didn't want her the same way she wanted them, she had this. And while she wanted more, this was enough.
Maybe it was a little selfish, basking in their warmth, but Mira gave everything she could for them and sometimes … sometimes she let herself have this. Especially now.
Rumi had been nothing but confusing during their tour. Some nights she sat as far away as she could. It was like she was either trying to escape them or punishing herself for wanting to be near and Mira could never quite tell which it was.
Other nights it was like this. Like old times, Rumi close to them, warm against Mira's body or curled up against Zoey. Like Rumi couldn't make up her mind to pull away or draw close. Couldn't decide if she was rejecting them or accepting them.
If she was punishing herself, Mira couldn't imagine for what or why, only that it stung too much like rejection and Mira despised feeling like that.
A night like tonight was a much nicer feeling than rejection. Mira just wished she knew what to say to get Rumi to talk to her or at least open up to Zoey if Rumi thought Mira would be too prickly. And Mira knew she'd been more prickly than usual lately.
But they could help Rumi. She knew they could.
Mira's hand lifted to her throat, grasping her necklace. She liked to wear it when they went hunting, like a good luck charm or protection talisman. It always made her feel closer to both her girls, but especially Rumi. Even when Rumi was not all that close at all.
Turning her head slightly, enough to inhale Rumi's scent and feel her hair against her face, she resumed her study of Zoey and the stars that dusted her cheeks. Her fingers moved from her hair, tracing lightly across the patterns there. So pretty. Beautiful even.
Rumi pressed closer, and Mira's eyes glistened.
In a moment like this, with her girls close, she could honestly say she'd never been happier. She squeezed her pendant tighter, as if she could distill the warmth and love she felt into something tangible and imbue the gold with it.
Something was wrong with Rumi, and it had been going on for much longer than Mira was comfortable with. Like it had crept in slow and insidious. Mira could only hope it wasn't too late to address.
That this tight, sharp feeling in her gut wasn't the sensation of losing one of the people that made her world whole.
Rumi had always been private and Mira had never wanted to push her, but she was carrying herself apart from them more and more often now. And try as she might she couldn't figure out what she'd done wrong, only that she must have done something wrong.
She always did something wrong. She was prickly, she was a bitch and she knew it and she was scared and angry and—
Was it that night with too much soju and loose lips? Had she leaned too heavily into centering Rumi in their choreography? Was she too obvious that her love ran too deep to be easily explained as anything but what it was?
Her fingers worried at the pendant as if it could somehow bring her closer to Rumi again as she knocked on Zoey's door and let herself in.
Zoey looked up from a notebook, waved, and then went back to scribbling. Mira watched her for a long moment, taking comfort in the normalcy of this. Zoey being Zoey, the chaos of her room with scattered notebooks and plushie piles, even the sound of her pen across paper and a light hum coming from her.
Mira squeezed her pendant like it was the last connection to Rumi she had, even as she dropped onto the bed next to Zoey and slipped her other arm around her.
Maybe she shouldn't say anything. Maybe she was just being paranoid. Maybe she was being an awful friend and not believing Rumi when she said she wasn't hiding something.
But Rumi was lying and Mira's pendant dug a groove into her palm and a part of her wanted to scream until Rumi was the one being cut.
She hated herself for that thought.
"Mira?" Zoey looked at her with concern and she let go of the jewelry and lowered her hand, "Everything okay?"
"Just worried about Rumi," She said.
"Her voice is doing better." Zoey smiled reassuringly, though there was something in her eyes that made Mira wonder if she was worried to.
They should talk. Air it out. Come up with a plan to get their friend to accept offered hands. Communication was a two-way street, though, and the idea of Rumi rebuffing them hurt.
"Yeah, it is." So Mira didn't say anything else. She didn't want to worry Zoey. She didn't want to make her fears real either.
Maybe that made her just as bad as Rumi.
Mira's body was shaking, her mind racing, guilt and anger rippling through her like the ocean in a storm.
Each step felt like a hundred, her body heavy.
She tore off her hoodie before she'd even reached her room, storming away from her— from Rumi and Zoey before she said or did something that couldn't be taken back. People were dead, people were dead and if they couldn't hold themselves together how could they keep the Honmoon together?
The door slammed behind her hard enough to rattle the art on her wall. The lock was louder to her ears, a note that hung in the air as she cut herself off from any potential conversations. She knew if she tried to talk to either of them right now it would only lead places she couldn't dare contemplate.
Mira tossed the hoodie aside and pressed her palms against her eyes until she was absolutely certain she wasn't going to cry. She still wanted to scream, though.
Not everything is about your insecurities, Mira!
She'd pushed Rumi too hard, but she hadn't ... She hadn't expected Rumi to bite back like that and it hurt so much that she felt like clawing at her own chest. Mira hadn't been able to help it it had built and built until she was snapping at her in the middle of a fight and—
And to make it worse she still believed Rumi was hiding something. Why couldn't she just tell them. Tell her!
Whatever it was, it was making Mira start to doubt everything and it had almost gotten Rumi killed. Even now, even pissed at her, Mira couldn't imagine a life without her. Rumi and Zoey were everything to her and she loved them so fucking much and—that was why it hurt so much.
She rubbed at her chest, trying to soothe the ache left by one of the two people that made her world stabbing her in it.
Mira's fingers rose higher, wrapping around the gold pendant. A reminder of a time when the thought of Rumi comforted her. She couldn't even recall the smell of vanilla right now and even Zoey's laugh felt … distant. Mira didn't know if she knew who Rumi was anymore. Like her devotion meant nothing. Like she meant nothing.
The tears started flowing against her will and she tugged too hard—maybe just hard enough— and the chain snapped. Choking down a broken sound, Mira threw it, the pendant and chain hitting the wall and dropping behind the dresser.
It felt a little like she'd just carved her own heart out of her chest and all she could feel was the cold, mournful sigh of the Honmoon.
Mira kept thinking that she'd run out of tears, but as soon she had that thought more would start to flow. There were so many causes, so many reasons for them and every last one had to do with the two women curled in her arms.
She'd almost lost everything tonight. Zoey. Rumi. The whole fucking world and if someone put a gun to Mira's head and asked her which was worse, she would have said her girls' names without hesitating.
Rumi sighed against her collarbone, Zoey pressing in against Rumi's back, her arm slung around her waist, hand resting on Mira's hip. Mira rested her hand over Zoey's, the tears returning. It scared her, how easily it had all crumbled beneath her feet. How easily she'd let herself believe that Rumi had betrayed them. And then she'd let go of Zoey in the process and she'd no sooner forgive herself for that than raising her Gok-Do to Rumi.
If she closed her eyes, she could see it. The exact moment when she broke both of their hearts. Feel the exact moment hers had crumbled.
Taking a deep breath, Mira focused on the after. On how Rumi's voice had cut through the haze, through Gwi-Ma's voice and wrapped around her soul like home. All that had mattered then was getting to Rumi, getting to Zoey, finding the harmony that had always defined them when they closed their eyes and shut out other things.
They'd talked for two hours. They'd talk again in the morning, and there'd be more tears and apologies. It was all so much more talking than they'd really done in months, if not years and Mira could be convinced to admit that it wasn't all on Rumi.
She had a moment now, with the three of them cried out, exhausted from the Idol Awards and everything that had come after. Mira moved her arm to hold them both. Hold Rumi who had hidden half of herself for so long and yet had never hidden the part of her that cared. Hold Zoey who had wanted to belong as much as Mira did, as much as Rumi did. Mira had abandoned them both when they'd needed her most and she was so angry at herself.
Holding them, she remembered Rumi's soft smile and Zoey's laugh and the sweet smell of vanilla and let the tears flow like waterfalls.
They were her golden heart.