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Aaron had that look on his face, Robert knew it well by now. The one that drew his eyebrows together and exposed the lines in his forehead, deep and brooding almost as if the scars he held on his body, just weren't enough. Robert had never understood why storms were named after people, but then he'd met Aaron, a hurricane in the making. And this look, well, there was definitely a storm on the horizon.
"Alright?" Robert found himself saying, a familiar lump forming in his throat.
He could hear Liv, as she clambered around upstairs, he could hear the crowd of the pub, as they loudly enjoyed a few pints just through the doors, he could hear their small village, as it thrived with activity on a Friday night and yet, the silence that surrounded the two of them, was almost deafening. It clung to the walls, it stained the air and it soaked into his skin until it felt like Robert would never breathe again.
For a brief moment, Robert considered leaving - walking out the door and letting Aaron cool down. But he knew Aaron didn't know how, always much more interested in bottling it, until it spiralled out of control. And Robert also knew, that just a few months ago, when they'd decided to 'take things slow and see where they go', that he'd made a promise, to both himself and Aaron, that he could be relied on, that he wouldn't leave, that he'd be here. And so here he was, shifting awkwardly from foot to foot, as a wound up Aaron Dingle sat in front of him, arms crossed, strong and eerily silent.
Robert stilled, "I know words aren't really your thing, but I don't have much to go on here, so do you mind if we get this over with?"
With his stance strong, Robert hid his slightly shaky hands in his pockets. He was afraid this was all about to blow up, but Aaron didn't need to know that.
"Get what over with?" Aaron shrugged, his mouth turned down in a ridiculous pout.
"Aaron."
The silence crept back in the room as though it'd never even made a move.
"Well if you aren't going to speak..." He paused, waving one hand as an invitation for Aaron to lay it all out.
Aaron merely shrugged again.
"Brilliant," Robert nodded.
They stared at each other for what felt like a lifetime, both too stubborn to be the first one to give up.
"Aaron, come on." Robert said softly, his eyes not breaking from Aaron’s, not even for a second, "Talk to me."
Aaron looked away, his eyes finding a spot on the bookshelf and sticking there. And when Robert came to sit beside him, all earlier sarcasm and gusto completely erased, Aaron pulled his sleeves over his hands and let out a long, shaky breath.
Before a word could be uttered, they both heard the footsteps of a heavy shoed Liv thumping down the stairs. She snuck past them, as if she could sense the tension lurking in the shadows of the backroom. She chanced a brief glance at the two of them - almost a world apart on the couch - as she passed, and Robert caught her eye. She looked sad and he knew then, that she could feel the storm brewing between them. He tried on a warm smile, a feeble attempt at trying to reassure her that everything would be okay. Even if he didn’t feel like it would at all. They both watched on as Liv, in whispered movements, went to get a drink from the kitchen and then headed back towards the stairs.
She never made a sound.
Once it was just the two of them again, the room felt strangely empty. Robert could hear Aaron’s harsh breaths, could feel his stilted shifts beside him, but that just made him feel more alone, as the thick tension tore holes between their already, shaky ground. Liv’s interruption had caused a ripple in the quiet anticipation of words to come and when Robert reached out, to re-bridge the gap that had appeared, Aaron pulled away. And when he stood, there was a fleeting moment where it felt like Aaron wanted to speak, standing awkwardly with his back turned to Robert, clenching and unclenching his fits. But in the end, his hands relaxed, as his feet carried him out the door.
After all, Aaron hadn’t made any promises not to walk away.
He was just about to run after him, when he heard a hushed,
"Robert?"
It was Liv, learning against the door frame. She looked so small, standing there with her hands buried deep in her pockets.
"You going after him then?" She motioned towards the door, her face was crowded in shadows.
Robert shrugged.
Liv came closer then, leaving the doorframe to fend for itself, in lieu of supporting the couch. She leaned forward as he slumped back and that’s when Robert felt it. That extra weight on his shoulders. The responsibility of having a young life in your hands. It wasn’t as if he’d forgotten, Liv was a handful at the best of times, but here, seeing her face, seeing that their actions had a direct effect on someone, other than each other. Aaron didn’t get to just, walk out. Liv was his responsibility too. She was theirs to look after. She was theirs to support. Theirs to love. They were a family now.
“He doesn’t get to just, walk out.” Robert mumbled, more to himself than to Liv.
He felt her small hand press into his shoulder.
“You know how he gets.” she said.
He smiled, despite the statement and despite the situation, because Liv was giving him advice on Aaron. It was baffling.
“I know.” he replied.
And he did know, of course he knew. But this was different, this felt big. Robert rubbed his eyes and took a deep breath.
“It’ll be fine.” he said, again more to himself than to Liv.
A short silence fell over them, a bit of the pub’s atmosphere floating into the stifling air. Liv kept her hand on Robert’s shoulder, he was grateful for it, the light weight and gentle assurance keeping him grounded, keeping him from running.
She cleared her throat, “We didn’t start off great,”
He turned to look at her then, the colour had risen on her cheeks, visible even in the low light of the room.
“But I like having you here Robert, I don’t want things to change.” she finished, diverting her gaze to the ground.
He smiled at her, “Did you just say something nice to me?”
“Don’t get used to it,” She crossed her arms over her chest.
“Oh, never! I promise.” He smiled.
When he turned from her, he found himself smiling. Because it all seemed so easy for a second, like if he and Liv just got on, and if he loved Aaron enough, things might work, he might not screw this up. The tension in the air didn’t dissipate though, it only grew, thickening and spreading like wildfire, ready to destroy anything in its path.
What if loving Aaron wasn’t enough? What if he wasn’t enough?
What if he was the problem?
What if Aaron didn’t even love him anymore?
The minutes ticked by, slow and steady, as if they were waiting for him to react, to lash out. He kept still on the couch though, periodically checking his phone for texts from Aaron.
Nothing.
He could feel Liv behind him, and every now and then he’d hear her shoes shuffling on the carpet, as she worried back and forth across the floor. Her presence was no longer keeping him grounded, and with each new step she took, the worry sunk a little deeper into Robert’s already aching bones.
They went through periods of silence and absentminded chatter, both of them a little too worried to hold a proper conversation. Liv kept sending reassurances into the silence, more for her own benefit than his. They both knew Aaron, they both saw his face, they both didn’t know whether or not he was going to come back.
Aaron Dingle liked to run.
They both knew that too.
x
Robert woke on the couch, his phone buzzed loudly, pressed into the side of his face. He rubbed his eyes,
1am.
Aaron had been gone for hours.
He rubbed his eyes again, trying to decipher the text on the screen.
Aaron: At Adam’s, we’ll talk tomorrow.
“Great.” he mumbled to the dark room.
He noticed Liv to his right, curled up in a chair. And there was that feeling again, that fiercely protective weight finding home on his heart. He woke her gently and she scowled, before a panic he was all too familiar with, settled on her small features.
“Aaron’s fine, why don’t you go to bed?” Robert smiled, but she didn’t look convinced.
“Robert.”
“Liv.”
She narrowed her eyes at him and he found himself laughing.
“Promise,” he said, placing a hand on his heart, “Go to bed.”
“Yeah, yeah.” she said, a small smirk on her lips.
He watched her leave, slumped and tired, stumbling a little in the dark. His ears focussed on her footsteps as she made her way upstairs, he twitched on the spot, his phone practically burning a hole in his pocket. She closed her door, as Robert paced in front of the couch, wearing down the carpet with his panicked steps.
Aaron didn’t get to storm over to Adam’s in a huff.
Robert sat, fingers tapping an erratic rhythm against his thigh.
They’d learned, to a point, how to talk about their feelings.
He pulled his phone out, turning it over, again and again in his hand.
How were they supposed to talk about this, when Aaron wasn’t even here?
He brought his phone to life, Aaron and Liv staring back at him on the screen.
No, Aaron didn’t get to just walk out this time. Robert deserved answers.
That’s what he told himself anyway. That he was texting Aaron so he could come home and Robert could tell him how he really felt. That they’d air everything out at one in the morning when Aaron was probably half pissed and Robert was drunk tired, his eyes barely able to stay open.
Really, he just wanted to see him. Make sure he was okay, that they were at least a little bit okay.
He took a deep breath.
‘We can talk tomorrow, just want you here, come home yeah?’ he texted Aaron.
He breathed out all the tension in his body, as he made his way upstairs to their shared bed, pretending not to care whether or not his phone buzzed with a reply.
Robert tossed and turned for what felt like 3 hours, his phone stubbornly stuck in his left hand, as though holding onto it, was going to keep Aaron closer than he was. Ridiculous, because Aaron hadn’t even bothered to reply. He checked his phone, a minute had passed. Somehow, only 20 minutes had passed in total, since he’d shrugged up the stairs and fallen into bed. He sighed, rolling over. He could feel that familiar sensation of rage building in his stomach, that feeling of not being wanted, of never, ever being enough for anyone. Sure, it was dramatic. But Robert didn’t do things by halves. And he wanted to yell at Aaron, to scream at him, for not trusting him or immediately thinking the worst of him, or whatever it was exactly, that Aaron was accusing him of this time. Robert had spent months trying to change, trying to be someone worthy of something close to love, instead of being someone worthy of being shot. So even though he wanted to yell and scream and tell Aaron it’s all been for nothing, he knew that if the younger man walked in the door right this second, he’d curl around him and whisper as many “I’m sorry’s” as it took to get Aaron to forgive him.
Robert was almost asleep, hand clutched around his phone, body curled around a lone pillow, when he heard the door creaking behind him. He heard quiet shuffling, before a thud and a whispered, ‘Fuck’. He smiled despite himself. The mattress dipped beside him before he felt an arm snaking around his own and a hand trying to link their fingers together.
Robert let him.
“Know you’re awake.” Aaron mumbled into his neck, his cool breath sending goosebumps over every inch of Robert’s body.
“I’m not awake,” Robert whispered back, squeezing Aaron’s hand a little tighter.
“Mhmm,” Aaron said, snuggling closer.
Aaron smelt like beer and bad choices and Robert has never been able to get enough. He sighed and closed his eyes, letting Aaron’s body morph around his. They barely ever slept like this, with Aaron tucked around him, but if he was being honest, he could get used to it. Aaron’s breathing slowed and his arm slacked and when Robert was convinced he’d fallen asleep, he whispered a quiet,
“Glad you’re here.” into the air, before falling asleep.
x
The light streamed in, causing small bursts of light to sweep the room, which Robert attempted to blink away. It felt much too early for the whole waking up thing. He yawned, galaxies forming behind his eyelids as he scratched the sleep away. He stretched his arms above his head and heard his back crack in a few places, he sighed, reaching out to pull Aaron back beside him. The night before flashed through his mind quickly, when he grabbed hold of empty space. He rolled over and let out a low groan, as he smushed his face into his pillow.
Last night, considering all they’d been through, had been tame. There’d been no physical fighting, no yelling, nobody was kidnapped or threatened and yet, Robert felt almost a hundred times worse, than all those times put together. They were in a different place, they’d grown and changed together and now this tiny little stand off, felt like the size of the universe. He flopped onto his back and stared at the celling, might as well get it over with.
When he eventually made his way down stairs, he exchanged a stiff smile with Chas in passing, and made sure to give Liv a quick hello and a quick reassurance, before leaving through the back door and heading off towards the scrap yard. Aaron had texted him, telling him Adam had gone into Hotten for the day, something about a big deal and a new client and honestly Robert didn’t care. He’d woken up clear eyed and brave, and if Aaron wanted this over? Then Robert just wanted it to be over as fast and as pain free as possible.
Unlikely, given it was them. But he could hope.
When he pulled up in the scrap yard, all confidence he’d gained on the way over started to dwindle, seeping out through his pores and through his heavy breaths and by the time he made it to the door, he didn’t think he could even open it. Aaron was, Aaron remained to be, Robert’s entire world and with one small turn of a door handle and a few harsh words, well, his Aaron, his literal universe, could crumble. Robert wasn’t ready for that. He wasn’t ready for it now, or tomorrow, or next week.
Or ever.
He stood in front of the door, his hand reaching for the handle and pulling away again, what felt like a thousand times. But then it was opening, and Aaron was standing there, his hands in his pockets and a small smile trying to pull at his lips. Robert attempted to return it, unsure if a smile was even possible, the way he felt.
“Saw you pull up,” Aaron said, moving over to let Robert in.
“Right.” He replied.
He closed the door behind him, and then they were just standing there, two people with too much history, trying to leave words where they weren’t wanted. Maybe it wasn’t over? Robert couldn’t tell. Aaron looked as awful as Robert felt, but as each second of silence ticked over between them, the distance felt as if it grew 100 feet more.
“Wasn’t sure you’d come actually,” Aaron looked up for a moment, afraid to meet Robert’s eyes.
The fridge buzzed in the quiet.
Aaron shrugged his shoulders, and tried on another smile.
“Of course I’d come, there’s obviously something...” Robert paused, “bothering you,” he waved his hand in front of him.
They still hadn’t looked each other in the eye.
“Right, well,” Aaron cleared his throat.
“Can I just,” Robert started, his voice barely above a whisper.
He steeled himself then, because this, this was something worth fighting for, Aaron and him. It was messy and broken and full of bad history, but it was theirs, and theirs alone and he would fight tooth and nail to keep it. He cleared his throat, garnering all lost confidence and filling his empty bones until he could lift his head and meet Aaron’s tired eyes.
“Before we get into, whatever it is I’ve done this time,” Robert said, remnants of his smug attitude, showing in his words.
“I’m sorry, but you say that like I’m the psycho girlfriend or something,” Aaron interrupted, his hands balling by his sides, “Like I don’t have cause for concern.”
“Cause for concern,” Robert almost wanted to laugh, “Are you kidding me Aaron? Cause for concern, really?”
Aaron took a deep steadying breath.
“What? You don’t remember?” He stepped an inch closer, “Because I do, everything you did, everything you said, it’s all still in here Robert.” He said, tapping at his chest.
“That’s not me anymore, you know that!” Robert finally bit back, meeting Aaron step for step.
“Do I?” Aaron’s expression said more than Robert wanted to know, and even though he could feel pieces of him breaking, he continued forward, he’d see this through. Tooth and nail, they were still worth fighting for.
“I’m not that man anymore, come on Aaron, you know that, you do.” Robert said, his voice softening, his hands reaching out.
Aaron pushed him away.
“You say that like the past doesn’t matter Robert, but it does, and I-”
“But it’s the past!” Robert yelled, “You can’t keep dragging it back up every time you’re mad at me, or we have an argument, or like these last few months together don’t even mean anything.”
“Robert-”
“No Aaron, you don’t get it, it hurts!” he said, stepping towards Aaron again, “How would you like to be judged on who you used to be?”
Another step closer.
“How would you like it if I brought up every bad choice?”
Another step.
“Every dumb mistake you’ve ever made?”
A step.
“Just because I was mad, or had a doubt or?”
Aaron’s back hit the wall.
“You go on about trust, and honesty and being a decent bloke,” Robert said, jabbing Aaron with his finger on the last two words, his voice was low and full of gravel when he continued, “But you haven’t been honest with yourself have you? Or me. Because you don’t trust me Aaron, and you’re never going to.”
All the heat and fire that had been building, left in a single breath and just like that, Robert Sugden didn’t have an ounce of fight left in him. He turned from Aaron, and left him standing against the wall of the portacabin, looking more hurt than stunned.
It was when he reached his car that he realised, he actually had nowhere to go. If he went to Victoria’s, she’d know something was wrong, he hasn’t been there in weeks, without a reason for popping in. And if he went back to the pub, Liv would be worried again and he honestly just, could not face Chas. So he just stood there, his hand on another life changing door handle, frozen in a moment of complete uncertainty.
Aaron was everything. Liv too. And without either of them, Emmerdale just felt like a place, not a home.
His fingers itched by his sides, and an electricity of love and hurt and everything else in between suddenly surged through his veins. He curled his fingers into a fist, took a deep breath and marched back towards the portacabin.
When he pushed the door open, Aaron was facing away from him, his back hunched as he leaned over a desk.
“No I’m sorry, we’re not done here.” Robert said, in lieu of a greeting.
Aaron turned to face him then, his face looked blotchy and red. Guilt tried to claw it’s way up into Robert’s conscious, but he closed his eyes and pushed it down. He needed answers, he needed to make sure that he’d said everything he’d wanted to say, before he even thought about letting this go.
“Honestly Robert, just do one.” Aaron said, sniffling and using his sleeve to wipe his eyes.
“No, not before I know.” Robert replied, stepping closer.
“What? What do you have to know before you go and fuck up someone else’s life?” Aaron said, regret written all over his face the second the words left his lips.
“Why Aaron?” Robert shrugged, continuing his path towards Aaron, “If I’ve ruined your life, if I’m so untrustworthy, if every move I make, makes you so damn nervous...If I’m such a bad guy, then why?”
Aaron crossed his arms over his chest.
“Why what Robert?” He tried to look annoyed, but he just looked sad, his tears flowing freely now.
“Why do you keep me around? Why am I here? What is this-” Robert motioned between the two of them, “For? What are we doing? If you’re never going to trust me and I’m always going to be that guy, then why?”
“I don’t- Robert I’m-” Aaron shook his head.
“Just tell me why Aaron? Then I’ll go if you want me to, won’t come back, if you want that too.”
“You can’t leave.” Aaron squeaked out, his voice quiet and muffled with tears.
“Why can’t I leave? What’s keeping me here? Why do you want me around Aaron, why?!” Robert said, crowding in on Aaron’s space.
“Because I love you!” Aaron said, his arms pushing Robert away.
A silence stilled there movements.
Aaron loved him. He still loved him.
Robert hadn’t heard those words from Aaron, since well, his wedding day, when he’d been nowhere near ready for them. And even though he’d screamed them, and whispered them and kissed them into Aaron’s mouth a million times since then, Aaron had never returned them.
Not until now.
“You still love me?” Robert was the first to speak, his voice soft and slow, afraid of breaking the fragile reality.
Aaron turned, “Of course I love you, you idiot.”
His tears were escaping faster than he could catch them.
“You love me?” Robert asked again, broaching the distance between them.
“Yes, I love you.” Aaron smiled, sniffling a little.
He reached out and Aaron let him, and as he pulled Aaron in, the world felt a little more settled, a little more at peace and he felt a little more at home.
Robert wiped a tear from Aaron’s cheek, “I love you.”
Aaron smiled, toothy and rare.
“I love you too Robert.”
Robert let his hand slide around to cradle Aaron’s neck, as he felt the shorter mans hands grip his hips a little tighter. Aaron’s lips pressed against his and just like every other time before, his whole world, flipped on it’s axis. His fingers buzzed, his heart pounded and there wasn’t an inch of skin left on his body, that wasn’t doused in flames. He deepened the kiss, always wanting more, needing more of Aaron, chasing his taste until he could feel it pulsing in his veins and swimming through his stomach. This is what they’d always been good at, the physical stuff, saying what they mean with their bodies, instead of their words. But this kiss. It felt different, it meant something different and Robert couldn’t breathe, couldn’t feel anything other than Aaron, Aaron, Aaron.
When they broke apart, Robert let his forehead rest against Aaron’s, content in their relationship, in their future.
Aaron cleared his throat, “I’m sorry.”
“I know.” Robert replied, pulling away to look at him.
“I got scared, I saw you,” He shook his head, “I should’ve trusted you’d tell me what was happening, instead of well.”
Aaron’s gaze dropped to the ground, and honestly, Robert still didn’t have a clue what was happening here, what any of this was even about.
Robert pressed a finger under Aaron’s jaw and lifted, until they were eye to eye once again. It felt different, more intimate for them.
“I’m trying Aaron, I really am,” Robert said, “I want you, I love you, only you.”
Aaron nodded, a small smile gracing his lips.
“Whatever you thought was happening, I promise you, it’s not.” Robert finished, pulling Aaron into a tight hug, his face buried in the younger man’s shoulder.
He felt Aaron sigh and the relief flowed through him too.
Robert hadn’t lost Aaron, he hadn’t fucked anything up.
Aaron Dingle loved him. He still loved him.
x
Later, after they’d had dinner with Liv, and after Robert had watched on amused, as Aaron attempted to help Liv with some school project. And after Chas had popped in and made herself a brew, offering them both one too, even sitting with them for awhile, much to Robert’s ever growing surprise. And it was much later, after everyone had gone to bed and it was just the two of them again, Aaron cuddled up into Robert’s side on the couch, that the subject was even approached again.
“I thought something was going on with Chrissie.” Aaron said in a rush, some of the words sticking together and mixing with the telly.
Robert looked at him, eyebrows raised.
“Did you just?” Robert couldn’t help the laugh that escaped him.
“Robert, shut up.” Aaron punched his side.
“Chrissie? Why?” He asked, still laughing a little.
Aaron’s face had gone bright red. All earlier arguments and mistrust, completely forgotten.
“I saw you arguing with Lawrence, and you’d been working late constantly, sneaking in when you thought I was asleep, Andy even said you’d been over there a ton,” Aaron squeezed his thigh, “I’m sorry.”
Robert looked down, his shoulders slumping a little at the confession.
The thing was, it still hurt. Aaron had assumed the worst of him, in a situation where he’d only been trying to help. But Aaron was trying to change, just as much as Robert and so the little sparks of anger that he felt igniting in his veins, he pushed down until all he could feel was Aaron’s hand on his thigh and the weight of Aaron’s I love you, on his heart.
Robert shook his head, “No, no it’s fine.”
They stared at each other for a long moment, the sound of the tv filtering between them.
He watched as Aaron drew his eyebrows together, while his hand squeezed a tighter pressure on Robert’s thigh.
“Robert?”
“I was helping Bernice, I should’ve said something,” He said, coming to place his hand over Aaron’s, “An old flame of Lawrence’s came into town, Ronnie? I think she said his name was.”
Aaron’s eyebrows broached his hairline.
“I know,” Robert smirked, “And you thought I was kidding when I said he had a crush on me.”
Aaron laughed, and Robert did too, the tension of their day fading as they realised that they’re problems were actually kind of small, compared to what was going on, over at Home Farm.
“Anyway, I got a little too invested, guess I kind of saw a bit of myself in Lawrence, the way he just won’t admit it,” Robert sighed, “Felt a bit sorry for Bernice too, she’s family and all.”
Aaron smiled at him, one of those, ‘I’m proud of you even though I’m not gonna embarrass both of us by voicing it’ smiles and Robert felt a new flock of butterflies take stock in his stomach.
“So he’s bisexual then? Or doesn’t he like labels?” Aaron smirked and Robert rolled his eyes.
He pulled Aaron into him then, hands clutching at his stubbled cheeks and searching Aaron’s eyes for something, anything, that told him this was it, that Aaron was it. That this was his future and there was no going back.
And for the first time, in maybe his whole life, he felt like he knew the answer.
Aaron was home and Aaron was his and he didn’t want to go back, because there was nothing to go back to.
It was all there, staring back him, his whole life. Everything.
“Lawrence might not be able to admit anything, but I can…” He took a deep breath, “I’m bisexual and I’m all yours,” Robert said, beaming.
Aaron laughed, but there was substance behind it, like he’d been waiting for that one tiny word, just as Robert had been waiting for three from him.
Robert leaned in, pressing his lips against Aaron’s and Aaron deepening it, and they said I love you until neither of them could breathe and until nothing made sense but Robert and Aaron,
Robert and Aaron,
Robert and Aaron.
Tooth and nail, they were worth fighting for.