Work Text:
Hasegawa walked through the school library, skittering past the multiple sections. On any other day, he’d have grabbed a book and went to town on it. But he’d much rather go to town on something— or rather someone, else these days, so he had other priorities.
The library was quiet, save for the turning of pages by the few students there. It wasn't exam time, so the place wasn't particularly crowded. He sheepishly placed the book in front of the librarian, praying that the experience wouldn't be embarrassing. The librarian looked at the book before lowering her glasses, observing Hasegawa for a bit longer. Sighing, she brought up her stamp.
“So you want, ‘How to Woo Your Boo in 5 Easy Steps?’” She said, voice booming in the silence of the library. A snort with the subtle attempt at disguising it as a cough could be heard in the background. Perhaps he should disintegrate into the ground while he still has time.
Hasegawa's cheeks turned red as he mumbled a hurried ‘yes.’
“Do you want anything other than ‘How to Woo-’” she started again. It almost felt like she wanted to ruin his life.
“N-No! J-Just that one.”
Still a little red from the initial embarrassment, he muttered out a thanks before walking in the direction of the dormitories. He had a long reading session ahead of him.
- Mirror their energy.
When two people like or trust each other, they subconsciously start to synchronise their movements, such as leaning forward at the same time, laughing in similar tones, and even breathing in rhythm. Aside from that, it is said that maintaining eye contact helps release dopamine, which can help strengthen relationships easily.
Example: If your target is laughing, laugh while making eye contact as well. If they cross their arms, so do you.
Warning: It is advised that you do not attempt anything that could potentially make your target uncomfortable.
-
Hasegawa walked over to Kamimura's dorm room like a man who had just discovered the secrets of the universe; his posture was straight, and he looked determined. You'd think he was going to the bonus round in the biggest quiz show of all time.
He raised a hand and knocked.
“Hey, Ken, good thing you're here. I was getting bored,” Kamimura called out before the door even opened.
Hasegawa blinked. “H-How did you know it was me?”
“What?” Kamimura squinted at him, shoulder propped lazily against the frame.
“I-I mean… You said my name before you looked. So…” Hasegawa attempted to lean against the wall the same way, but missed, nearly toppling over sideways.
“I mean, who the fuck else would knock like a lost puppy?” the shorter boy snorted, stepping back to let him in. They entered the room, shutting the gate behind them.
“so… uh. What’s up?” Hasegawa said, staring directly into Kamimura’s soul.
Kamimura pointed at the chair beside him.
“Biology,” he said flatly as Hasegawa sat down. “Pretty fucking boring.”
“Y-Yeah, tell me about it.” Hasegawa nodded vigorously, arms crossed in perfect mimicry. He still hadn’t blinked. He’d probably need eye drops afterwards.
Kamimura awkwardly tried to look elsewhere, but Hasegawa’s intense stare was sort of distracting.
“W-Why are you - nevermind.” He hmphed, before looking down into his book.
“K-Kazutoshi,” Hasegawa tried again, tilting in closer just slightly. All he needed was eye contact. Ten seconds of eye contact. Five, even.
“Yeah?”
He started counting the breaths leaving Kamimura’s nose, trying to match them.
One, two, three, four, inhale.
Kamimura raised an eyebrow before slowly looking away from the brunet, muttering something under his breath.
“I can help you out,” Hasegawa blurted. “w-with the lesson.”
“Oh, I bet you could help with practical biology,” Kamimura muttered, smirking.
Hasegawa mirrored the smirk before he even registered it.
Kamimura seemed to be taken aback at that, stumbling over his words as his cheeks pinkened. They stared at each other like two cats waiting for the other to move first.
“...Like, slide prep? I mean-”
“That’s not what- Fuck, never mind.”
Kamimura exhaled early again. Hasegawa instantly did the same, almost choking on air.
“…Ken. What the fuck are you doing?” Kamimura asked, jaw tightening.
“I-I was just-”
“Are you copying my breathing pattern?”
“N-No! That's probably just a c-coincidence?” Hasegawa panicked. This was supposed to be subconscious and psychological! He couldn't know, that's not how it works. It's supposed to be subliminal!
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
"I w-wasn’t- I wasn’t copying you! Not exactly. It’s more like…situational synchronisation? It's a common phenomenon during social interactions. People subconsciously mimic each other to build trust and rapport. Except I might’ve been a little more, um- deliberate about it? I-I guess. And the breathing, I- that’s just basic physiology! It's totally normal. Yep. Perfectly harmless. The eye contact thing, too, that’s just-”
“Oh my god, shut up.”
“But you told me to explain myself-”
“Just- Don’t ever do that shit again. I’ll kick your ass.”
Hasegawa snorted. “Pff- You couldn’t.”
Kamimura’s eyes narrowed, “Is that a challenge? ‘Cause I swear, I'll jump on your back and bite you.”
“Right. Sure, you will.” He taunted.
“Oh, you asked for this.”
“Wha- Pff- Kazutoshi! Get off me!” He laughed, making no effort to fend him off.
- Compliment something unique.
Wanna compliment your target? “You're beautiful.” is basic trash. No one remembers the guy who said, “Hey, you're beautiful!!” Compliment something specific, something that others overlook.
Example: instead of saying, “You have pretty eyes,” try, “Your left eye squints a little when you focus. It has captivated me to no extent.”
Warning: Do not stalk them to gather intel. 9/10 of our specialists sustained major injuries from attempting to do so.
-
Step 1 was pretty much a bust, and could not be continued further down the line, he'd decided. Flirting's a lot harder when you’re six feet under. Still, he had high hopes for step 2. It sounds simple enough; he paid close attention to the other’s mannerisms.
He knocked on the wooden door the next day, around the same time, hoping it would go a little better this time around.
‘’You better not be up to anything this time.” Kamimura warned as the door opened.
“I-I’m not! And I wasn’t up to anything last night either! Plus, I was completely normal at b-breakfast, lunch, and-” Ken justified. Except he truly was, but if he was sneaky enough, Kamimura wouldn't realise anything was weird this time either.
“Sure, Ken. I totally fucking believe you. Come in.” He said, bowing and everything.
“T-There’s really no need to-” Kamimura glared at him. “Yeah, okay.”
“Just- read or something.” The shorter said, massaging his temples.
“Y-Yeah, I'll read.”
“Good.”
“Coral Reefs are often called the ‘rainforests of the sea’ because they support an immense-”
“In your fucking mind!”
Hasegawa chuckled before returning to his reading. He already knew what to say; he just needed to wait for the right time.
Hasegawa continued to read his book, except he had been on the same page for at least 15 minutes, just waiting for the right moment.
Kamimura let out a yawn, twisting his bangs out of pure boredom.
“...Did you know you play with your hair every 67-69 seconds or so?” Hasegawa said, finally striking. The other's hand paused in his hair.
“...What.” He slowly turned his head, staring at the brunet.
“Y-Yeah. You…push your bangs back sometimes, and whenever you’re stuck on a question, you t-twirl them. Which happens approximately every 67 seconds. I added the 69 because-”
“Wh- Aren’t you supposed to be fucking reading?!” Kamimura screamed at him, gritting his teeth. But he also looked red, which was a sign of attraction, he’d read.
It seemed to be working. Only one way to find out.
“I-It’s because I notice things about you! I pay attention to you.” Hasegawa said, getting closer.
Kamimura made a strangled noise, looking redder with each word.
“It's hard not to.”
“Seriously?” Kamimura’s voice was low as he looked up at the taller boy with half-lidded eyes.
Why did he look sleepy? Perhaps he was getting bored? Well, fuck- Time for the big guns.
“Oh, and you um- smell good. L-Like lemons? Citrusy? You know, the smell you…smell when you walk into a nice clean office-?”
“I- The fuck?”
“N-Not that I sniff you or anything! I don’t do that at all! I mean, I do- but not like-”
“Shutupshutupshutup-” He said, hitting him with a book for emphasis on each shut up.
“Owwww.” Hasegawa groaned, touching his shoulder.
“Stop being so weird, you idiot!”
“I was just trying to make you laugh, I swear-” He added, trying to de-escalate the situation.
“Fuck off! Get out!”
“R-Right!”
Well, that was a bust. In his defence, that was going great for a bit.
- Play hard to get.
No, seriously. Absence doesn’t just make the heart grow fonder; it makes the brain panic.
Pull back. Stop initiating conversation. Let them wonder why you’ve gone quiet. Humans are wired to crave what they can’t have. Your sudden silence will make them confused; the target will seek you out themselves. In short: the less they see you, the more they’ll want you.
Warning: Extended silence may cause the target to forget you exist. You must also consider if your target even cares enough about you to even notice that you’re not there.
-
…What, like six hours? Twelve?
Nah. He won't be doing that one. Skip.
- Showcase Your Best Self
Confidence is attractive! Casually mention your strengths and let your target see the best version of you. However, being overly confident can also be bad. It’s essential to demonstrate emotional vulnerability and empathy towards others as well.
Example: Oh, look at this video of a sick cat eating laundry detergent. I have tears in my eyes. Good thing I have my bulging biceps to hug at night…if only I had you too…
Warning: Don’t try this if you’re a good-for-nothing coward. And definitely don’t start crying over something menial. No one likes a wimp.
-
“Hey, Ken.” Kamimura said nonchalantly, leaning his head on the door.
“I'm…pretty punctual, right? I-I mean, I always show up on time.” He mentioned, showcasing one of his many strengths.
It seemed kind of excessive, but hey, the book wouldn't lie.
“Uh- I guess?” Kamimura did not look impressed, and a little confused, “Anyway, let’s go out. I’m almost done with my fucking physics assignment anyway, and I’m hungry.”
OHOHOHO. Perfect.
“Oh, sure. I suppose we can do that.” He said with all the nonchalancy he could muster up.
“You know, I saw a video of a pigeon eating um- a labubu doll and I got very…emotional watching it.” He said, dabbing his cheeks. He'd heard there is a lack of emotionally mature men on today's dating market.
“What the fuck do you want me to do about that?”
“I-” Whaaat??? Kamimura should've swooned by now, according to the book. Perhaps, he needed to up his game. “N-Nothing! I just wanted to- let you know, I guess? I’m really into clit these days, so that helped cheer me up.” He chuckled, scratching his cheek.
Kamimura stopped dead in his tracks. Hasegawa turned around to see the absolute traumatised, disgusted, baffled look on the younger boy’s face.
“W-What? I made you read some classic literature, too, didn’t I?”
“Uh- Don’t ever abbreviate that shit again.” Kamimura scrunched up his face, huffing out a laugh before shaking his head.
“GOD! FUCK!” The riveting conversation was interrupted by a voice that came from the kitchen.
Upon entering the kitchen, the two saw Hiroaki at the dining table, where he also stood having a 1v1 with a sauce jar and screaming every obscenity known to mankind at it.
“Is he…unable to open a jar?” Holyyyy shiiiiit, this is so good for him, he'll open it and show off his ‘rippling muscles’— as the guide said. Not that he had any, but perhaps he'd still be able to impress him.
“Should I…help him?” He asked, glancing at the shorter boy. He was poking around in the fridge before ultimately taking out a bottle of water.
“Why the fuck would you do that? Besides, it’s gonna be so embarrassing if you can’t open it.” Kamimura said, opening the bottle and taking a sip.
“I’m really good with my hands, though! My grip strength’s crazy.”
Kamimura spat the water out instantly, cheeks turning red as he coughed, holding back his laughter.
“K-Kazutoshi, are you alright?!” He put his hand on the younger’s back, stroking it gently.
“Y-Yeah, yeah. I’m fine.” He managed to say, cackling.
“Kazutoshi, I feel deep e-empathy for the needy and helpless. It’s one of my fatal flaws.” He chuckled humbly, rubbing the back of his head. “I think I should go help.”
“Pff- Ken! Needy and- just go.” Kamimura said, laughing as he shooed him away.
“Hiroaki.” He said as he came closer to the distressed warmonger.
“What the fuck do you want, nerd?” Hiroaki asked, sighing as if he was already tired from the conversation.
Hasegawa offered him a polite smile, his knuckles twitching. “Are…you struggling to open that jar?”
“No, I just really enjoy hugging it.” Hasegawa looked confused at that. Hiroaki grumbled under his breath, before saying, “Of fucking course, I can’t open it! God, do you not have a brain?!”
“I can help.” He perked up, motioning his hand out. “I’m probably smarter than you, but that’s just a wild guess.” He muttered under his breath.
“Did you say something?”
“N-No.”
“Yeah, right. Whatever. Have fun breaking your fucking wrist.”
Hasegawa was absolutely going to break his wrist. He wasn't strong; he just worked out sometimes. But he did his best to look nonchalant as he tugged his sleeves up, grabbing the jar from the other's hand.
Hasegawa twisted the lid once, but it did not open.
Kamimura walked a little closer, observing the two before settling on the table. He did a brief nod in Hiroaki’s direction, the latter nodding back. The two were slowly becoming more amicable, even if they would never admit it.
He wasn't really sure if he could open it; Although if he couldn’t open this, it would be reallyyyyy embarrassing.
“Ken, if you can't-”
“I can! I-I was just checking if I needed more than…five per cent of my strength.” He chuckled, twisting his hands a bit in preparation.
“Since when was Hasezoka so full of shit?” Hiroaki said, leaning in towards the crime scene cleaner. Kamimura shrugged at him in response, which only made Hasegawa redouble his efforts to prove himself.
He might have overestimated the strength needed to open the jar, since the lid popped open immediately and half the contents spilt on his polo.
“Fuck! I-” He composed himself for a second, “I-It seems I used more than five per cent…” That was his favourite polo!!!
“God, is there sauce left?!” Hiroaki yanked the jar from the brunet’s grip, looking inside.
Kamimura cursed under his breath, grabbing a paper towel. He pushed the taller onto a nearby sofa, sitting down beside him as he tried to rub the stain off.
“I'll go grab some shit. Stay here, in case we need to do one of those kitchen hacks bullshit.”
“R-Right!”
“What, you tryna impress bangs or something?” The fashion designer asked, spreading the last bit of sauce left in the container on the bread.
“What?” He asked, annoyed. He really wasn't in the mood for Hiroaki's bullshit. Plus, his shirt felt gross against his skin.
“‘Cause that was the most pathetic attempt at-” The insult spewing out of Hiroaki’s mouth stopped once the brunet took his shirt off.
“Can you stop t-talking for once?” He muttered under his breath, still rubbing the stain.
Step 4 was a bust. Although spilling sauce on yourself is better than not being able to open it, he’d say.
Hiroaki stayed silent for a few more seconds, the slight noise of the fabric rubbing against his shirt occupying the silence. He wondered for a bit, if he’d accidentally said that too loudly. Not that Hiroaki would care.
“Heh…” Hiroaki sighed, laughing to himself as he ate his bread.
“What the fuck are you gawking at?” Kamimura’s voice cut through the silence as he came back, cleaning supplies in one hand and a shirt in the other.
“Gaw- I was not fucking gawking! He isn’t even my type!” Hiroaki screamed defensively.
He hated step 4. All it did was make him lose his favourite shirt, and Kazutoshi was fighting with an opp-
“Any hot guy with his shirt off is your type!”
HOLY FUCK HE LOVED STEP 4.
Hiroaki started spluttering about something that he didn't really pay attention to. Because like, holy shit— Kazutoshi said he's hot!! Step 4 is the best!!!
“A twa- Ken, we're leaving before I fucking kill this bastard.” Kamimura ordered.
“R-Right, of course!” He said, running after the shorter boy as he grabbed the ruined shirt off the table.
“A-And put this on. You look…fucking ridiculous.” He commented, throwing the shirt over his face.
“O-Of course!” He was halfway through putting it on when Kamimura started dragging him away— by the hand. He's gonna have to look for a way to wear the shirt without that hand because he's not letting it go.
- Testing the waters.
It's time to poke the sleeping lion! Your efforts with the past four steps will finally pay off now. Try subtly touching your target, and see how they react. If they blush or don't push you away immediately? Congratulations, you have a chance.
Warning: Your target may be a tsundere and push you away immediately, calling you an idiot. But that also might be because you’re a freak misreading all the signs.
-
He wasn't even sure if he should attempt this, because Kamimura had already held his hand yesterday. That’s practically marriage.
Although, that warning sounded a lot like his targe- friend.
He barely watched any anime, so he didn’t know much about that term (Mao did make him watch a shoujo once, but that was it), but he bet Wada did.
…He’d rather find a book on the different types of deres and spend 3 hours reading about them than ask Wada about it.
He walked over to the library yet once again, making sure not to make direct eye contact with the librarian. He was pretty sure she hated him for some reason.
He walked over to the manga section, and lo and behold, sitting on the floor, it's Wada. And Hama. Hama’s cool. Wada is not.
“Oh, it's Hasegawa! What are you doing here?” Wada said, looking up at him and smiling.
“Hey, kid. Didn't know you read manga. It's badass.” Hasegawa took a look at what the two were reading, something along the lines of, ‘I confessed to my childhood best friend, but then I got hit by a truck so I got isekai’d and now I’m the side chick of the villain?!’”
“I-I don’t- I'm just passing through to go find a book on uh…” he looked over to the left, reading the first title he could see. “...Sex ed.”
Great going, Ken.
“No way, Kamimura finally let you hit?”
“W-What?! He didn’t- I'm not hitting- not yet at least, I- Not that I'm saying it's gonna happen- I mean, I hope it happens but-”
“Jeez, relax. I was just messing with you, kid.”
“Oh, did you just say you want to?” Wada asked, delighted. Since when was Wada so nosy?
Kamimura might get really mad if Wada went around spreading this…misunderstanding. Especially since it was Wada.
“I-I wasn't going there.” He breathed in. He needed to do some damage control. “I wanted to know what a um, tsundere, is?”
Wada’s eyes lit up as soon as the words left his mouth.
“Oh, I can tell you! See, the word ‘Tsundere’ itself is made up of-’
Now, Hasegawa Ken had never considered plotting murder, but hearing Wada talk about tsunderes for 1 hour, 6 minutes, and 7 seconds might just be the breaking point for him.
“So…Kazumi said she doesn't like Shin, B-But she actually does like him?” Hasegawa flipped through the pages of the manga Hama had handed him during Wada’s rants.
“Yeah, she's super into him.”
“That’s the point. She just calls him an idiot because she feels nervous around him.”
“So…if someone was um- calling me— I’m using myself as an example, an idiot and acting a-aggressive when I act…genuine, they like me?”
Maybe he had the wrong impression of Wada. He wasn’t so bad; he might take him down to…number 2 on who he’d kill first (if he had to!), surpassing Tamba.
“Hell yeah.”
“Unless you’re like- actually being creepy, or something.” Yeah, no. He’s dying first.
“I gotta go now, this has been…helpful. T-Thank you.” He thanked the two.
“See ya.”
“Bye, Hasegawa!” Wada waved at him enthusiastically.
+1 The rapture.
Congratulations! You’ve reached the bonus round.
This is where your target discovers your entire operation. Deny everything, change your name, leave the country and never look back. If nothing else, we offer coffins for minors! Specially designed by Dr Kan himself.
-
“He better fucking thank me for this.” Kamimura said to no one in particular, placing the umpteenth book back in its designated place. He’d been nagging the brunet for weeks, but clearly his complaints fell on deaf ears.
“Ken, seriously. Clean your fucking room, I’m not gonna find your fucking red pen for you again.” He threatened, flicking the other on his forehead.
“R-Right, I’ll do it later.” He promised, knowing damn well he’d never do it.
Useless manchild. He scoffed, rearranging the pens in the penholder near the end of the desk. He grabbed a few books on aquatic life and historical facts, keeping them in the left stand alphabetically. He didn't bother checking if any of the books were borrowed from the library— that's a Hasegawa problem, not a Kamimura problem.
He noticed a suspiciously out-of-place book kept at the edge of the desk drawer. Curious, he took it out. The bright colours on the cover were blinding.
“How to woo…oh.” He muttered under his breath. That’s what was wrong with Hasegawa for the couple of days. He was trying to distance himself because he liked someone and probably wanted to spend more time with them.
That realisation dawned on him a little later than he’d have liked.
Kamimura stood there, the book heavy in his hands, heavier than it had any right to be. So that was it, then. Hasegawa liked someone. Liked liked someone. Enough to research it, study it, and obsess over it. His chest tightened in that ugly way he didn’t want to name. He tried to tell himself that the sting was just from finding out second-hand, from realising Hasegawa hadn’t even trusted him enough to ask for advice or just vent.
He opened a random page and flipped through the pages, his hands slightly trembling.
Step 4: Showcase your- wait, what?
Shaking his head, he went back to the start. Sure enough, steps 1 and 2 were also something he'd witnessed first-hand.
Was he some sort of lab rat for Hasegawa to experiment on, before he went off to actually do it? That really didn't sound like the brunet. He wouldn't do something like that, would he?
He jumped as the gate opened with a creak, whipping his head to look at a confused Hasegawa.
“Kazutoshi?” Hasegawa stepped inside and closed the door.
Kamimura glanced up, barely, but something in his expression made the taller man freeze. “Are you alright? Why do you look so-” The brunet's face drained of colour as he looked down to see what the younger was holding.
“Ken, I-” He went quiet, jaw tight as he focused on keeping his body from tipping. The weight was creeping in, that warning pull behind his muscles.
“K-Kazutoshi, I can explain-”
“Explain what? T-There’s nothing to explain.” His voice cracked halfway through; he hated how pathetic he looked. Kamimura Kazutoshi, ready to cry over yet another boy who doesn’t like him.
“I just- Why the fuck would you do a trial run on me?! Do my feelings not matter?” He could feel the hot tears streaming down his face, hoping Hasegawa wouldn’t notice, was a losing game.
“I-It wasn’t like that- Please don’t cry-” He reached up to brush the tears from his cheeks, only to have his hand shoved away.
“God, just fucking leave me alone, Hasegawa.” He spat, turning his head away.
Hasegawa actually fell to his knees, clutching Kamimura’s hands like a man on trial.
“What the fuck- Get up!” He said, groaning weakly. He tried to yank his hands out, but the brunet's death grip was quite tight.
“Hear me out for a second. Please.”
Kamimura’s lips quivered as he considered it for a while, before eventually giving up.
“I-I wasn't experimenting on you!” He started, flailing his hands around. “I wouldn't do that, especially not to you. I mean, I wouldn’t do that to anyone. Yes, I was…following this book, but that's because I-I just- I read that stupid book and thought maybe if I…y’know, did those things, you’d- I don’t know, notice me! Not because I wanted to use you as practice, but because I didn’t think you’d ever take me seriously if I just said it! And then I guess it got really out of hand, and now you’re mad and I’m on the floor, which is not helping my case, but please-”
BONK.
His word vomit was cut short as the book collided with his skull. Rubbing his head near ground zero, he looked up at his attacker.
“You are such a fucking idiot! What the actual fuck is wrong with you? Did you get dropped as a child like, fucking constantly?!” Kamimura screamed at him, seething with rage.
“I said I'm sorry! I wasn't-”
“Your idea of a compliment is saying that you fucking sniff me?! You are such a- God, what is wrong with you?”
“I-I don't sniff you!” He does.
“...So like, did you give up halfway or something?” He said under his breath, half embarrassed.
“What?” He looked up at him with those pathetic puppy eyes.
“Also, Get off the floor, you look pathetic.”
“I-I was going to do step 5 like, literally right now. I-If that's what you're talking about.” He said, slowly standing up, immediately towering over the shorter boy.
“Uh- I think I preferred it when you were on your knees.”
Hasegawa accepted his fate, settling on the ground again.
“Next time, just- just do it.” He muttered, looking away.
“Do what?”
“This.” Kamimura yanked on the brunet’s tie, earning a yelp. Despite the rather confident move, he went rigid, eyes darting as if the concept of kissing was suddenly a foreign language that’s been dead for thousands of years.
“You were pretty confident like, 10 seconds ago.”
“S-Shut up. How the fuck are you taunting me already? This has to be the world’s worst fucking confession ever.”
“Of course not, it’s already the best, since it’s with you.”
“Gh- Fuck off.”
“And I’ll find a book on how to be the best boyfriend ever. That always works out.”
“You’ll be buried with it.”
“I’m fine with that.” He smiled, leaning in. “As long as it’s by your hands.”
Step 0: Preface.
Before you proceed, please understand something important:
If you are reading this book, you must understand that you have clearly hit rock bottom in at least one of the following areas: socially, romantically, or academically— unless you’re going for a record and it’s all three.
Unfortunately, I have to ‘clarify’ that this book is a ‘parody’ and one shouldn’t take it seriously. Although if you are at the point where you have to pick up a book to flirt, this might just help you.
The fact that you’re reading this willingly is, in itself, a sad reality. As youngsters say it, in PG-13 terms, you get ‘no maidens.’
Go ahead, turn the page.
-
Hasegawa never did like reading the Preface.