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“Try again.”
Elphaba grimaced, wiping the sweat from her forehead. “Madam, I don’t really feel well.”
Morrible frowned, placing a hand on Elphaba’s shoulder. “You want to meet the Wizard one day? Then you’ll have to prove you can do more than a simple levitation spell.” She smiled, sickly and sweet, her grip tightening on Elphaba’s shoulder.
Ever since Dillamond’s disappearance last week, Morrible had been pushing her harder in their seminars. Everyday, Elphaba would be kept practicing until long after dark, leaving her completely exhausted by the end of each evening. Today, she was working on lighting a candle, but her every attempt had proved fruitless.
“Now then, try again.” Morrible's voice was sharp in her ear. Elphaba sucked in a breath, nodding quickly and straightening in her chair. She glared down at the small candle in front of her, fists clenching at her sides. She could feel the magic tingling below her skin, like an itch that wouldn’t go away. But try as she could to channel it, it wouldn’t cooperate.
Elphaba took a deep breath, trying to calm herself before things got out of control. The beginnings of a headache pounded behind her eyes, and she tore her gaze away from the candle.
Her eyes caught on a small tea kettle resting on a desk to the side. Her mind wandered back to Dillamond. His kind words and gentle encouragement, much different from Morrible’s iron grip. He didn’t deserve to be taken. He had done nothing wrong. And still, no one had stood up for him as he was dragged out of the room like an animal. Even Elphaba had remained silent. If only she had done something, then maybe things would have ended differently.
“Miss Elphaba, are you quite alright?” Despite Morrible’s words, there wasn’t an ounce of concern in her voice.
Elphaba shook her head to try and clear it. “I’m fine, thank you. I was just wondering…” Should she ask her mentor? If anyone knew something about the nature of Dillamond’s removal, it would be the headmistress of Shiz after all. “Why was Dillamond taken so suddenly? From what I knew, he was one of the most respected professors here.”
Morrible’s smile faded. “I understand your concern, dearie, but some things are above what students are permitted to know.” She circled Elphaba’s desk, blocking her view of the kettle. “Just know everything worked out as it should have. Now, are you going to keep avoiding the assignment or are you ready to try again?”
“Sorry, Madam.” Elphaba turned her attention back to the candle, but something in her gut clenched. She had a sick feeling that something deeper was going on with Dillamond’s disappearance. Why did no one else seem to care about him? If only she had confronted the Gale Force, maybe Dillamond would still be here. If only she was brave enough to confront Morrible and get the truth, maybe she could help. If only she could light this damn candle, then maybe she could see the Wizard and tell him what was going on.
Tears of frustration burned at the corners of her eyes, but she refused to let them fall. She glared at the candle, forcing magic from her hands. She had to do this. Across the room, the tea kettle exploded, sending shards of glass flying in every direction. Morrible simply waved her hand, redirecting the glass towards the wall where it sunk into the chalkboard.
Elphaba’s chest heaved as she sucked in deep breaths, her head pounding. Her anger melted into guilt at Morrible’s disappointed gaze. “I’m sorry, I wasn’t concentrating enough, I just—”
“I can see you’re not taking this seriously, dearie,” Morrible tutted, picking up the candle and inspecting it closely. “You’re dismissed.”
“Let me try again! I promise I can do better,” Elphaba pleaded.
Morrible shook her head. “Please think about your attitude before tomorrow’s lesson, and come prepared to act like an adult.”
“Yes madam.” Elphaba stood quickly, her face burning with shame at having to be talked to like a petulant child. She gathered her bag quickly and shuffled out the door. She could feel Morrible’s gaze lingering on her as she moved down the hallway. Her chest tightened.
Why can’t I do this?
The walk back towards the dorms felt excruciatingly long. Elphaba felt exhausted down to her bones, but even as her feet dragged, her mind never stopped racing. Something just wasn’t adding up about Dillamond and Morrible. She knew she was supposed to let it go, just like everyone else had, but the regret wouldn’t leave her.
Why didn’t I stand up for him? Why do I always have to care so much?
Her boots crunched against the gravel path of the dimly lit courtyard as she tried to shove the guilt away. The cold night air stung against her face, and she relished in the grounding feeling the numbness brought.
Just as she was beginning to calm down, sharp laughter broke through the stillness of the night, drawing Elphaba’s attention to a group of boys lounging around the fountain. The group was throwing papers into the murky water, but in the darkness Elphaba couldn’t quite make out what they were.
“Good riddance, I say,” one of them sneered, tossing another crumpled packet into the water. “That old goat was getting too comfortable, thinking he could lecture us like a real professor.”
Elphaba froze in her tracks. Her heart pounded against her ribs as the words sank in, making her whole body feel heavy.
“Can you imagine? An animal trying to teach us?” another boy chimed in. “He’s lucky he wasn’t thrown out sooner.” He tore a paper in half, letting it flutter to the ground. “Honestly, they should’ve caged him too.”
The laughter grew louder, sharper, and something inside Elphaba snapped. Her hands clenched into fists, her nails biting into her palms as anger surged to the surface. Without thinking, she stormed towards them, her boots slamming against the ground with each step. “What did you just say?” Her voice was as sharp as the anger in her chest.
The boys turned towards her, their laughter fading for a moment as they took in her appearance. There were four of them, all upperclassmen, taller and bulkier than she was, but Elphaba wasn’t thinking. She didn’t care anymore. A fire burned within her, anger spreading throughout her body like lava, drowning out any sense of self-preservation.
One of them, a boy with dark hair and a cruel smirk, stepped forward, looking her up and down. “Oh look here, it’s the Wicked Witch of Shiz.” The other boys snickered. “What’s the matter, greenie? Did we hurt your feelings about your pet goat?”
Elphaba’s blood boiled. “He’s one of the best professors Shiz has ever seen—far better than any of you mindless idiots could ever hope to be,” she spat, venom coating her words.
The boy whistled, his smirk widening. “Oh, she’s angry, boys.” He stepped closer until he was looming over her. “What are you gonna do, freak? Hex us?”
The others laughed behind him, but Elphaba refused to back down. Her fists were shaking now, her breath coming in short, furious bursts. “You think yourself to be so clever, don’t you?” she growled, “but you’re all just cowards, laughing at someone who’s no longer here to defend himself.”
“Cowards?” One of the boys echoed, frowning. “You’re talking an awful lot for someone all alone, artichoke.”
Elphaba’s eyes narrowed dangerously. “I don’t need anyone else.”
Without thinking, she threw her hands out, shoving the dark-haired boy with enough force to send him stumbling backwards into his friends. For a brief moment, there was silence, as if the air itself had frozen in shock. The boy’s expressions shifted from amusement to anger as he straightened himself up.
“Big mistake, freak.”
Before Elphaba could react, he swung at her. His fist collided with her shoulder, and she stumbled back, but she didn’t run. She couldn’t. Anger and frustration coursed through her, overpowering any pain from the blow. She couldn’t just stand there. Someone had to do something.
She lunged at him, her hands colliding with his chest, her nails scratching at his skin as she fought with everything she had. She wasn’t even thinking anymore, just lashing out, her rage fueling every wild punch and shove.
One of the other boys yanked her back by the hood of her coat, allowing their ring-leader to step backwards. Elphaba tried to twist around, but a fist caught her side, knocking the wind from her lungs. Another slammed their hands into her back, sending her sprawling to her knees.
She snarled, trying to get back up, but someone twisted her arms behind her, forcing her to stay down. The dark-haired boy crouched down in front of her, his gaze predatory. “Where are your powers now, witch?”
Elphaba’s vision blurred, but she forced herself to look him in the eye, pouring all of her hatred into her gaze, then she spat at his feet.
His eyes narrowed in disgust. “Fucking bitch!” His fist cracked against her jaw, her head snapping to the side as the metallic taste of blood flooded her mouth. Elphaba coughed, her gaze dropping as the world spun around her.
The boy’s fist tangled roughly into her hair and he yanked her head up, forcing her to meet his eyes. “You may have Galinda twisted around your thumb, but you’re nothing.” He reeled back, raising his hand. Elphaba didn’t even try to get away as he slapped her again, the sharp sound ringing out in the silent courtyard.
“You’re not special like Morrible says.” He leaned forward until his face was inches from hers, his breath hot against her cheek. “You’re just an ugly freak that should’ve been locked in a cage the moment you were born.”
Elphaba squeezed her eyes shut, bracing herself for more blows that never came.
“Enough, Avaric,” the boy behind her murmured, his grip on her wrists loosening. “I think she’s learned her lesson.”
Avaric stood slowly, wiping his palms on his jeans. “You’re lucky I’m feeling generous tonight.” Elphaba didn’t feel very lucky. In fact, she felt sick.
A final, sharp kick to her side sent her sprawling onto the gravel, pain exploding in her ribs. The boys stepped back, their cruel laughter ringing in her ears as they sauntered away, leaving her crumpled on the ground.
Elphaba lay still for a long moment, gasping for breath, her body aching from the lingering pain of the punches. The sharp sting of humiliation burned in her chest, and at last the tears she had tried so hard to hold back spilled down her cheeks, leaving streaks in the dust that coated her face.
She had fought, but it still hadn’t mattered. Just like before. She couldn’t change anything.
Slowly, painfully, she pushed herself to her hands and knees, her entire body trembling with pain and exhaustion. Her hands throbbed from where they’d scraped against the gravel and her shoulders ached from her arms being twisted so forcefully behind her, but she couldn’t bring herself to care. The physical pain was nothing compared to the hurricane still raging within her.
Grimacing, she wiped the blood from her mouth with the back of her hand, forcing herself to rise to her feet. Her head spun as she stood, and she braced herself against the edge of the fountain. As the world came back into focus, her eyes fell on the crumbled papers on the ground.
Slowly, she reached down to pick one up. It appeared to be an essay, at the top of which was a bright red ‘F’. Scrawled across the margins in eerily familiar handwriting were suggestions from Dillamond on how the essay could be improved for more points.
Elphaba’s throat tightened with grief. Dillamond was kind enough to try to help those idiots, and still they found ways to hate him.
Why, why why
Her trembling hands clenched around the paper, frustration surfacing again. Why hadn’t she stood up for him? Why was she so useless? She tore the paper in half, letting the pieces flutter to the ground.
The walk back to the dorm was exhausting. Her legs felt weak, every step sending a jolt of pain through her body, but she forced herself to move quickly. The night air was blessedly cool against her skin, and she wished it could wash away everything she was feeling. The helplessness, the anger, the frustration. But no amount of wishing could fix this. She couldn’t fix this.
As she neared Crage Hall, she could just make out a faint light shining through the doors of their balcony. Glinda was still awake then. Her heart felt heavy at the thought of a potential confrontation. She knew she probably looked like an idiot, with her tangled hair, dirt-stained hands, and bloodied face. She didn’t want to face Glinda’s sympathy, her pitying looks, her care. She didn’t deserve it.
When at last Elphaba reached their door, she hesitated, her palm pressing against the cold wood. She took a deep breath, steeling herself, and pushed it open. She hung her head low as she limped inside, hoping to hide the bruises on her face. The weight of defeat had settled deep in her bones, and all she wanted now was to crawl into bed and disappear.
“Elphie, there you are! Honestly, I was starting to get a little…”
Elphaba kept her gaze locked on the floor even as Glinda trailed off. She could feel the blonde’s eyes raking over her form, taking in the bruises, the blood. Glinda shot up from her desk, her chair screeching against the floor, causing Elphaba to tense.
“Elphaba, what—what happened?” Glinda’s voice was soft, but the worry bled through. The pity. Oz, Elphaba was so stupid.
“Nothing,” Elphaba choked out. She crouched down slowly, ignoring the way her chest clenched in pain, and began unlacing her boots.
The floor creaked as Glinda stepped closer. “That doesn’t look like nothing, Elphie. Let me–”
“Just leave me alone!” Elphaba snapped a little too harshly. Glinda shrank back, eyes widening in shock at the anger in Elphaba’s tone. Elphaba ignored the guilt she felt at Glinda’s look of concern and straightened up, pulling her coat off quickly. She hissed as pain bloomed in her arm, causing her to drop the coat to the floor. She squeezed her eyes shut as her chest tightened, threatening to push all the air from her lungs.
“Just breathe, Elphie,” Glinda crept forward again, hands outstretched as if to comfort her. Elphaba shouldered past her, stalking across the room, trying to put as much space between herself and Glinda as possible.
Just breathe. As if breathing could fix any of this mess.
“Elphaba, it’s gonna be okay, just—”
“Okay? None of this is fucking okay, Glinda!” Elphaba began to laugh, a sharp and bitter sound that filled the space. She stumbled forward, catching herself against the edge of her desk. “I’m so damn stupid—how could I have let this happen?”
“You’re not stupid,” Glinda’s voice cracked as she spoke, but Elphaba didn’t even acknowledge her.
“I should’ve done something,” Elphaba continued, her voice shaking as she slammed her fist down on her desk, rattling the pile of books stacked there. “But I didn’t. I messed up! I’m useless!”
She whirled around, kicking her chair so hard it tipped backwards, banging against the floor. Glinda flinched at the noise, her eyes widening.
“Elphaba stop, please. This isn’t helping.”
But Elphaba could barely hear her over the noise pounding in her head. She was shaking now, the need to break something burning inside her. “I’m so tired of this!” She grabbed a book off her desk and hurled it against the wall. “I’m so tired of messing everything up!”
“Elphie, stop!” Glinda’s voice rose, more insistent now as she crossed the room towards her. “You’re going to hurt yourself.”
“I don’t care!” Elphaba shouted back, sweeping everything off her desk and sending it clattering to the floor. The room rattled around her, pulsing with the same energy burning inside her. The bookshelf in the corner tilted dangerously in response to her magic. Elphaba thrust out her hand, intent on pulling it down.
“Elphie, please,” Glinda reached out, her fingers brushing Elphaba’s arm.
The sudden contact made Elphaba spin, her arm jerking around instinctively, her fist stopping just inches from Glinda’s face. At once, the whole room went still. Glinda froze, staring at Elphaba in shock.
Elphaba’s eyes widened. Her arm dropped immediately, and she stumbled back, horrified. “I—Glinda I’m sorry,” she stammered, her voice cracking as the anger drained from her body all at once, replaced by cold dread. “I didn’t mean too, I didn’t—”
“I know,” Glinda spoke softly, her voice steady, but laced with concern. “It’s okay.”
But it wasn’t okay. Elphaba felt sick to her stomach with guilt. “I almost hit you.” Her voice was barely a whisper. “I—I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to, I just…” She pressed her shaking hands against her legs as if to hold herself back.
Glinda moved forward cautiously, as though Elphaba were something broken. Or something to be feared. I could’ve hurt her.
“You didn’t hurt me,” Glinda reassured her. “You stopped yourself.”
Elphaba shook her head, her breath still shaky. “I’m so sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
Glinda reached out a hand, carefully placing it against Elphaba’s arm. Her touch was warm, soft, grounding, and despite herself, Elphaba leaned into it. Glidna seemed to hesitate for a moment, then she pulled Elphaba into a tight hug, her arms wrapping around her firmly. “Nothing’s wrong with you, Elphie,” she soothed. “You’re just hurting right now.”
Elphaba shook her head quickly. “I shouldn’t have lost control like that.”
“I’m okay, though.” Glinda tightened her embrace. “We’re okay.”
Elphaba squeezed her eyes shut, trying to force herself to breath, to calm down. Slowly, the tension in her muscles began to ease, her body giving into the warmth and comfort Glinda was offering. Gingerly, Elphaba returned the hug, her hands coming to rest between Glinda’s shoulder blades.
“I’m sorry,” Elphaba whispered again, her voice muffled against Glinda’s shoulder.
Glinda hand traced her back gently, her chin coming to rest on Elphaba’s shoulder. “I know.”
They stood in silence for a while, Glinda holding her close, Elphaba afraid to break what little she had left. Her racing thoughts began to quiet as exhaustion tugged at her. Bit by bit, she became aware of the pain coursing through her entire body.
“Elphaba,” Glinda’s voice was hesitant, as though she was scared to break the silence that had settled between them. “Who did this to you?”
Elphaba tried to open her mouth, but her jaw suddenly felt as though it were made of lead. She felt dizzy, unfocused, unable to find the words to explain what had happened. What she’d done. She didn’t realize how tightly she was clinging to Glinda until the blonde began to pull back. Elphaba immediately felt colder. Glinda gently placed a hand on her shoulder, her touch featherlight.
“Alright,” Glinda whispered. Her hand traveled down Elphaba’s arm, fingers trailing over the bruises on her wrist. She turned Elphaba’s hand over in her own, inspecting the scrapes on her palm, careful not to hurt her. “At least let me help get you cleaned up, then.”
Elphaba let herself be guided into the bathroom, her knees buckling slightly as she lowered herself down onto the edge of the tub. She pressed her hands against her knees, though they continued to tremble. Glinda rustled through several drawers before finding their small first aid kit and crouching down in front of her.
Glinda was slow, almost methodical in her care. She gently cleaned and applied antiseptic cream to her palms before wrapping them in thin layers of gauze. Elphaba stayed silent, staring at the bathroom tiles, her chest rising and falling with each shallow breath. She didn’t flinch when Glinda dabbed gently at the cut on her lip, nor when she pressed a cold rag to the bruises on her cheek.
Glinda sighed, setting the rag on the tub before reaching up to cup Elphaba’s cheek with a tenderness Elphaba hadn’t felt in years—if ever. Her eyes shone with worry, and Elphaba could feel the slight shake in her hand.
In that moment, Glinda seemed to be made of glass. Fragile, breakable, hurting. And Elphaba—she was the bullet that shattered everything she touched. Elphaba leaned back, ignoring the pain in Glinda’s gaze.
“Elphie, I don’t know what’s going through your head, but—”
“I’m tired, Glinda.” Elphaba cut her off, her voice cracking. Glinda bit her lip, stepping aside to allow Elphaba to leave the bathroom.
“Do you mind if I shower?” Glinda asked, clearly not wanting to leave Elphaba alone.
Elphaba’s chest tightened, and she shook her head slowly. “Do what you want.”
Glinda nodded, though she still looked uncertain as she gathered her pajamas. “I’ll be quick,” she assured, before shutting the bathroom door.
Elphaba avoided looking at the state of her desk as she crossed the room to her wardrobe to grab a nightgown, relieved to finally be alone. As she pulled off her shirt, her gaze caught on her reflection in the mirror. She couldn’t help the gasp that escaped her. Dark bruises painted her torso in splotches of purple and red. Her face, though no longer bleeding, was in a similar state. What have I done?”
The room spun around her, and she grabbed onto the bed frame to steady herself. No wonder Glinda had been so scared when she saw her. She looked like a monster. And she had acted like one too.
Elphaba sank to the ground, hands shaking violently even as she dug her nails into the bandages on her palms. Hands that had done so much damage. That had almost hurt Glinda. She tried to take a breath, but her lungs wouldn’t cooperate. Gasping desperately, she doubled over, arms wrapping around her torso.
No good freak of nature.
She dug her nails into her legs, gasping at the sharp pain.
You’ve ruined everything! I hate you!
Her heart hammered against her ribs. Every breath hurt, her chest tightening more and more, constricting, suffocating.
Sit down, Miss Elphaba, you’ve done quite enough.
Except she hadn’t done anything, and he had paid the price. Everyone around her always paid the price. She was well and truly wicked.
The world would be a better place if I were locked in a cage.
Elphaba’s whole body shook as a violent sob escaped her. She could barely feel the tears. She couldn’t breathe, she couldn’t breathe. Was it selfish for her to want to keep breathing, even when everyone else wished she had never been born?
Her head felt light, and briefly she wondered if she was going to pass out. She crumpled further in on herself, sucking in quick, shallow breaths, but her chest hurt. Every breath felt like thousands of needles piercing her lungs. She clawed desperately at her throat, but it only tightened more. Even as her mind clouded and her limbs began to tingle with numbness, one thought remained crystal clear.
I deserve this.
As soon as she closed the bathroom door, tears welled up in Glinda’s eyes. She covered her mouth quickly with her hand to stifle her gasp, hurrying to turn the shower on to cover the noise. She had been trying so hard to hold herself together for Elphaba’s sake, but the moment she was alone she could feel her walls breaking, the entire evening catching up with her at once.
Elphaba’s anger, her silence, her bruises. She had just seen her at dinner. What had gone down between then and now? Who could do something like this to her?
The shower was hot enough to sting, but Glinda didn’t feel warm. In the steam, Glinda allowed herself a moment to feel. Fear. Not for herself, but for Elphaba. She had seen the anger before, though not quite this destructive, but the scary part was what followed. The way she had leaned away from Glinda’s touch, the cold, detached way she had dismissed her.
Elphaba had a tendency to shut down and hide when she was in pain. Glinda knew she would have to wait for Elphaba to open up to her, but the idea of not knowing what had happened to put her in this state filled her with frustration. How do I fix this? Tears mingled with the water, and Glinda allowed the shower to wash them away.
As she stepped out of the shower, Glinda slipped back into her earlier act of composure. She dressed, checking herself meticulously in the mirror. She had to be in control right now. She couldn’t fall apart when Elphaba needed her. Still, her smile trembled. She scrubbed harshly at her face with her towel, trying to breathe—to think—and then she heard it.
A strangled cry, muffled through the door.
“Elphie?” She called. The only response was a deafening silence. Glinda threw open the door, her heart pounding.
Elphaba was curled up on the floor by her bed, dressed only in her undergarments. Her knees were pulled tight to her body, her breath coming in short, desperate gasps. Glinda crossed the room, crouching beside her. She started to reach out, but thought better of it given Elphaba’s panicked state.
Swallowing her own mounting panic, Glinda tried to soothe Elphaba. “It’s gonna be okay, just breathe with me, Elphie.”
“I—I can’t,” Elphaba choked out between gasps. “Hurts.”
Glinda’s heart broke at the pain in her voice. “I know baby, I know,” she whispered, inching closer. “Can I touch you?”
Elphaba opened her mouth, but no sound came out. Another sob tore itself from her chest, her hands clutching desperately at her throat, nails leaving long, red marks against her skin. Glinda reached forward, gently prying Elphaba’s trembling hands from her throat and placing them against her own chest. “I’m here, Elphie. Just try to breathe with me.”
“I can’t—” Elphaba choked out again.
“Just follow me. In and out slowly.” Glinda exaggerated her own breathing, taking long, deep breaths. Elphaba closed her eyes, trying to imitate her, but she only managed a few stuttering gasps before shaking her head.
“Glinda, I-I don’t—”
“Shh, just breathe my love.” Glinda laid a hand on her upper back, running slow, soothing circles against her bare skin. “Focus on my voice. In for four, out for four.”
Elphaba’s hands tightened on the fabric of Glinda’s nightgown. Glinda continued to whisper quiet reassurances, swallowing down the lump in her own throat. She needed to be strong right now. Minutes passed with the girls clinging to one another on the floor as Elphaba’s breathing became less shaky. “That’s it, you’re doing so good, Elphie.”
Eventually, Elphaba shifted in her arms, pulling back to meet Glinda’s eyes. Glinda offered her a soft smile. “You back?” She asked, proud of herself for controlling the tremor in her voice.
Elphaba nodded slowly in response, then frowned, her face scrunching up adorably. She reached out a shaky hand, hesitating only a moment before running a finger over Glinda’s cheek. Only then did Glinda realize she’d started crying again. She let out a watery laugh, swiping the tears away quickly. “I’m okay, I was just worried for you.”
Elphaba leaned away a little, her shoulders tensing. “I’m sorry.”
“You have absolutely nothing to apologize for,” Glinda soothed, taking Elphaba’s hand back in her own. She stood slowly, and Elphaba let her pull her to her feet. Glinda didn’t miss the way Elphaba winced as she straightened up, her lips pursing as she fought to hold back a hiss of pain. “Oh, Elphie—”
“I’m fine,” Elphaba cut her off. Her voice wasn’t sharp like it had been earlier. Rather, it seemed to lack any emotion at all, which in some ways seemed much worse. Glinda nodded, respecting her need for space and stepping back even as her heart clenched. Her eyes caught on Elphaba’s discarded nightgown on the floor, and she picked it up, smoothing the fabric in her hands before pressing it gently into Elphaba’s.
“Finish getting dressed, okay? I’ll get you some water,” Glinda offered. Elphaba nodded stiffly, pulling it over her head with slow, mechanical movements.
Glinda bit her lip, moving to get Elphaba a glass of water from the tap. Elphaba’s lack of reaction was beginning to worry her. No, it was really worrying her. Normally, Elphaba would have been mortified at having been seen in only her undergarments, but she only seemed exhausted.
By the time Glinda had filled a glass, Elphaba had finished changing and was staring at her desk blankly. “Elphaba?” If she’d heard Glinda, she gave no sign of it. Glinda approached her slowly, extending the glass of water. Elphaba took it with both hands, but didn’t drink yet. Glinda swallowed thickly, unsure of how to proceed. She wished she could tell what was going on in Elphaba’s head, but even with Glinda’s knack for reading people, Elphaba was like a vault.
She knew Elphaba was likely exhausted, but something in Glinda told her not to let her roommate go to bed in this state. Trusting her gut, Glinda asked “Do you wanna come sit with me for a bit?”
Without so much as a nod, Elphaba moved towards Glinda’s bed, leaning back against the wall as she settled on the pink comforter. The bed dipped under Glinda as she sat beside her, leaving enough space between them so they didn’t touch, though Glinda wanted nothing more than to take Elphaba in her arms and protect her from everyone in the world. A few moments passed in silence, Glinda sneaking glances at Elphaba, and the green girl staring straight ahead.
“Why don’t you drink a little,” Glinda finally prompted, nodding towards the glass. Elphaba followed her gaze, a slight crease appearing in her brow as if only just noticing she had been holding a cup of water. Ever obedient, Elphaba took a small sip of water, then set the glass on Glinda’s nightstand. Better than nothing, Glinda thought.
“Elphie…can I hold your hand?” At Elphaba’s slight nod, Glinda took her hand in her own, squeezing it lightly. Her hand was limp, her skin cold. Glinda took a deep breath, fighting to keep herself composed. Almost unthinkingly, she turned Elphaba’s hand over in her lap and began tracing patterns over her palm, something she often did when she was feeling nervous. Her fingers mapped out the creases on her palm, skimming the edges of the bandages and tracing up towards her wrist and back down again.
Suddenly, Elphaba's breath hitched, a small, almost indiscernible change. Her fingers twitched, as though grabbing for something, and Glinda immediately placed her hand in Elphaba’s. Elphaba’s hand tightened around hers, her thumb moving over the back of Glinda’s hand. Glinda let out a sigh of relief, squeezing Elphaba’s hand back tightly. Elphaba closed her eyes, her body relaxing ever so slightly.
“Elphie,” Glinda began gently. Elphaba’s hand tightened in response. “Please, love, I just want to know you’re with me.” Her voice cracked as she spoke, but now that she knew Elphaba was listening, the words came pouring out.
“I was so worried about you when you came home so hurt and angry, and-and then you just shut down and I—” Glinda forced herself to slow down, taking a deep breath before continuing. “I want to help, but I need you to tell me how.”
At Elphaba’s silence, Glinda couldn’t stop the tears from spilling down her cheeks. She didn’t bother wiping them away this time, letting them fall onto her lap. She glanced at Elphaba, whose eyes were still closed. “Please, Elphie, just talk to me. Let me help.”
Elphaba shifted, her leg pressing into Glinda’s. Glinda stopped breathing, aching for any sort of reaction. When at last Elphaba spoke, her voice was hoarse. “Why did they take him away, Glinda?”
“I…what?” Whatever Glinda had been expecting Elphaba to say, that wasn’t it.
“Dillamond,” Elphaba clarified weakly. “Why did they take him?”
Glinda paused, caught off guard. “I…I don’t know, Elphie. I don’t think there’s an easy answer for that.”
Elphaba leaned into Glinda’s side, her head falling onto her shoulder. Glinda immediately wrapped an arm around her shoulders, hugging her tightly. Elphaba’s body was tense under Glinda’s touch, as though even exhausted she was still bracing for a fight.
“It’s my fault,” she whispered. “I should’ve stopped them.”
Hearing her blame herself broke something in Glinda, and she shook her head quickly. “You couldn’t have done anything else for him, Elphie. No one could have.”
“You don’t know that.” Elphaba’s voice was sharp, but Glinda didn’t pull away this time. Instead, she hugged Elphaba tighter to her side, everything about the last hour becoming much clearer. This must’ve been why Elphaba was so angry earlier. She felt powerless, and Glinda knew she hated not being able to control a situation. But that didn’t explain why she was injured.
“I hate seeing you hurting like this,” Glinda admitted, running her hand along Elphaba’s arm. She could feel Elphaba stiffen at her words.
“I deserve it,” Elphaba murmured, her voice tired, certain. Glinda’s breath caught in her throat at the admission, everything finally falling into place. Elphaba’s anger. Her injuries. Her guilt. The way Elphaba had said she deserved to be hurt, like it was the undeniable truth.
Glinda took a deep breath, steeling herself to ask the question she wasn’t sure she wanted to know the answer too. “Elphaba, look at me.” Elphaba turned slowly, meeting Glinda’s shining eyes. Glinda took both of Elphaba’s hands in her own, holding them gently in the space between them. “Did you…did you start the fight?”
Elphaba sucked in a breath, pulling her hands back and turning away. She didn’t say anything, but Glinda already knew the answer. “Elphaba…” She started, not knowing where she was going, just wanting to fill the silence. Elphaba looked towards her, and Glinda was surprised to see something akin to fear in her eyes.
“I’m sorry, Glinda.”
“Oh, Elphie—” Glinda started to pull her into another embrace, desperate to soothe whatever pain she had inflicted by asking that question, but Elphaba flinched back suddenly with a gasp, shaking her head quickly.
“I’m so sorry, I messed up, I didn’t mean to, I promise I just—I was just so angry.” Elphaba continued to inch away from Glinda, pressing herself into the corner of the headboard and the wall. Tears began forming in the corners of her eyes, and she closed them quickly, wrapping her arms around herself like she was trying to make herself smaller. “I’m a monster.”
The pain in those words was enough to spur Glinda into motion. “No, Elphie, no you’re not.” She leaned in closer, and Elphaba flinched back. Glinda froze, her heart shattering.
“I am,” Elphaba whispered, burying her face in her knees. “I almost hurt you earlier, and those boys…what if my magic got out of control? What if I couldn’t stop myself?”
“You’re not going to hurt me,” Glinda tried to soothe, resisting the urge to move closer. “I know you won't, Elphie. I trust you.”
“That’s a stupid thing to do,” Elphaba sniffed, peeking out at the blonde. Glinda let out a wet laugh, leaning just a little closer.
“Well, I must be a dumb blonde,” she gave a toss of her hair to prove her point, “because I don’t see anything stupid about being with you.”
A hint of a smile flashed across Elphaba’s lips, but it vanished as fast as it had appeared. She uncurled her hands, glaring at them bitterly. “You don’t get it, Glinda. Everything I touch shatters.”
Glinda reached out a hand, giving Elphaba time to pull away if she wanted too. When she didn’t retract her hand, Glinda took it, cradling it close to her chest. “I’m still here, aren’t I?”
“For now…until I inevitably mess this up too.”
“Elphaba, look at me. Please.” Slowly, Elphaba lifted her head. Her green eyes shone with tears, and a strand of hair hung in front of her face. Glinda slowly extended a hand, tucking the strand behind her ear and cupping her cheek. “I’m still here, and I’m not going anywhere.”
Elphaba looked like she wanted to argue some more, but Glinda continued before she could get in a word. “You’re not alone, my love. And what happened to Dillamond wasn’t your fault, okay?”
Swallowing thickly, Elphaba tried to look away, but Glinda’s gentle touch on her face kept her from shifting. “It wasn’t your fault,” she repeated more firmly.
“But–”
“It wasn’t your fault, Elphie.” Glinda ran her thumb along Elphaba’s cheek as more tears began falling. “Can you say it for me?”
“It–it wasn’t my fault,” Elphaba choked out. She sat still for a minute, turning the words over and over in her head.
“You can’t change what happened to him, okay? No matter how much you wish you could.”
Elphaba’s head jerked in what looked like a nod, which Glinda took as a win.
“Can I…have a hug?” Elphaba asked quietly, learning forward ever so slightly. Glinda didn’t waste a second in wrapping Elphaba in her arms and holding her close. Elphaba’s body shook with quiet sobs, and she clung tightly to Glinda like she might vanish. Glinda ran a hand through Elphaba’s hair, keeping a steadying arm around her lower back.
“It’s not all on you to fix the world, Elphie, and it hurts to see you stretch yourself thin trying.”
Elphaba turned her head, burying her face in Glinda’s neck. “I’m sorry for making you worry.”
“It’s alright,” Glinda soothed. “I just wish you would tell me when you’re feeling like this so I can help sooner.”
Elphaba nodded, leaning further into Glinda until she was practically laying on the blonde. “I’ll try. I promise.”
Glinda smiled softly, her hand cradling Elphaba’s head against her chest. “That’s all I ask.” She looked down at the green girl, whose eyes fluttered closed as her breathing began to even out. She must’ve been so exhausted. “You want to try to get some rest?”
Elphaba nodded against her, and Glinda shifted out from under her, getting up to turn off her lamp.
“Wait!” Elphaba’s sudden panicked voice stopped her in her tracks. Glinda turned towards her, tilting her head in confusion. Elphaba glanced down, fiddling with the sheets as her cheeks darkened. “Could you…could we leave it on tonight?”
Glinda’s heart melted at the softness in Elphaba’s voice. “Of course we can.” As she made her way back towards the bed, she remembered the glass of water. Without a word, she grabbed it and handed it to Elphaba. Elphaba took it gratefully, and within moments she had drained the glass, some color returning to her face.
Glinda took the cup back to its place in the bathroom. When she returned, Elphaba was standing in the middle of the room, shifting from foot to foot awkwardly. She was looking at the floor, pointedly avoiding looking at Glinda. Glinda smiled fondly at Elphaba as she approached, laying a hand on her shoulder. “You want to stay with me tonight?”
Elphaba nodded. “I don’t want to invade, I just…I don’t want to be alone.” Her hand went to her own shoulder, brushing over Glinda’s hesitantly. “I need you, Glinda,” she admitted tentatively.
Glinda squeezed her shoulder. “I’m always here, Elphie. All you have to do is ask.”
Glinda took her hand, leading her back to her bed. She settled under the covers, lifting them to allow Elphaba to slide in beside her. Elphaba rolled onto her back, staring up at the ceiling. Glinda lay on her side facing her, her hand finding Elphaba’s under the covers. She could almost hear Elphaba’s thoughts going a mile a minute.
“Hey,” Glinda whispered. Elphaba turned her head to the side to look at the blonde. Glinda lifted her arm in invitation. Elphaba only hesitated a second before snuggling into her side, her arms wrapping around Glinda’s waist. Her head rested on Glinda’s chest, her hair tickling Glinda’s chin. Glinda hugged her close, running her hand up and down her back in slow, wide arcs.
“I love you, Elphie. I’ll always love you.”
“I know you do.” Elphaba’s arms tightened around Glinda as she curled further into her side. “But I don’t think I’ll ever understand why.”
Glinda’s heart ached, and she pressed a gentle kiss to the crown of Elphaba’s head before resting her chin on her hair. “Then I’ll just have to keep reminding you. Everyday for as long as it takes. I love you so much it hurts, but I wouldn’t trade loving you for anything.”
Elphaba sucked in a breath, and Glinda could feel tears falling against her collarbone. Glinda carded a hand through Elphaba’s hair, a motion she knew never failed to soothe her. “Shh, I’m here, Elphie.” Elphaba didn’t speak again, just leaned further into Glinda’s side. “I’m here, my love. Just rest now.”
Eventually, Elphaba’s breathing evened out, her body relaxing in the way it only did when she fell asleep. Glinda stayed awake as long as she could, memorizing the rise and fall of Elphaba’s chest, the tickle of her breath, the way her arms fit perfectly around her. Even as her eyes grew heavy, her mind continued to race.
She didn’t want Elphaba to get hurt, to hurt herself. She wished she could take away her pain, her guilt, because the girl in her arms was anything but the monster she believed herself to be. But Glinda didn’t know how to fix this. All she could do was be there for Elphaba, offering her the comfort she so desperately tried to deny herself. And that would have to be enough.
Elphaba shifted slightly, nuzzling against Glinda’s neck. Glinda fought back the lump in her throat, her heart warming. It still amazed her, how this girl who had gone through so much hatred had come to trust her. So Glinda hugged her tighter, vowing right then that she would never abandon her Elphie for anything.
However Elphaba needed her, no matter what happened, she’d always be there with open arms.