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Rose was very experienced with having gay boyfriends, you could almost say she had a type.
Back when she was in theater school she was almost always someone's beard. It was a constant in her life. A routine. Not that she minded, of course! There was nothing wrong with being gay, you couldn’t choose who you fell in love with. But she thought she’d outgrown the whole only having gay boyfriends thing. She was ready for an actual relationship, with someone good, a man who she could grow old with. At first she thought that Shane could be that person for her. He was funny, kind and really smart. And she didn’t have to worry if he’d only liked her because of her status as an actress because he was also a public figure.
Rose knew almost nothing about hockey before she’d met Shane, but that didn’t mean she didn’t grow to love the sport. She started loving hockey the moment Shane uttered a word about it. She could just see the amount of love and passion he had for the sport, and well passion was very attractive in her eyes.
So Rose had thought that Shane and her might've been a very good match. And in the beginning of their relationship it did feel like her initial intuition was correct. Shane was super sweet to her, he was respectful too. He didn’t seem to have anything against Miles, but she was never really worried about that, Shane seemed like a good guy. Yes, during those first couple of weeks when the paparazzi took to spreading those pictures, and Rose had showed up to a game wearing his jersey, it felt like she might finally be in a happy, healthy relationship. That was until that night.
Kissing Shane had never been a problem. They’d shared a kiss after their first date and it had felt really good. After that moment they kissed each other a lot, it was good if not a bit too innocent because everytime Rose would try and deepen their contact, Shane would softly pull away. Her original thought had been that Shane was just nervous, or scared even. There was some doubt in her mind about asking him, but if there was one thing she learned during her time dating in acting school it was that communication is key, so she decided that asking him about his reluctance for intimacy was the best option.
Sitting him down on the couch the next time he came over was easy. Stopping him from worrying was harder. Okay, so she could’ve used some better way to phrase it than ‘We need to talk.’ but this was also a first for her.
So here they sat, Shane on her left, avoiding eye contact and bouncing his knees up and down while definitely overthinking something. Rose sighed, what was he even thinking? She wasn’t good at communicating either. She rested her hand on Shane's thigh, trying to stop him from shaking so much.
“Hey, I know that I said that we needed to talk but if you’re not up for this we can do it tomorrow?” She tried to reassure him. But Shane quickly shook his head.
“No, uh, please just tell me what you wanted to say. I know we haven’t been together for long but I hope that I haven’t fucked it up already.” He said with a small laugh that just indicated how nervous he actually was. And fuck, Rose had forgotten to clarify that she wasn’t breaking up with him, guess the nerves hadn’t only affected him.
“Shane, hey! I’m not breaking up with you, that’s not why I wanted to talk. What I want to talk about, it’s not even a problem really, just more of a question if anything.” Shane lit up with hope for a second. Nodding to her to continue.
“I’ve just noticed that, well, whenever we kiss you only give a peck. The furthest we’ve been to making out was a tongue for 10 seconds before you pulled away. And I don’t want to accuse you of anything, I promise! But I just wanted to ask, am I your first girlfriend? Or is there maybe some other reason you don’t want to go further in the intimacy than just kissing?”
Shane watched her with a mix of relief and worry. She saw in his eyes that this wasn’t what he’d expected to hear. There was something else that he was scared she would bring up but she couldn’t lay her finger on what that could be. Shane took a deep breath, and his body shuttered a small amount.
“Yes, I mean no, you’re not my first girlfriend but you’re my first serious, actual partner if that makes sense? I’ve only ever been together with one girl and that was my rookie year, Jessica I think her name was? But ever since we broke up after the draft it’s just been me and my career you know? So I’m trying to take it slow, yes. It’s not like I don’t want to do anything with you but I just get overwhelmed everytime you try and I- I just need a little time maybe?”
When Shane finished his explanation she was relieved. It made sense with how busy and dedicated he was to hockey that he wouldn’t have time for a girlfriend. She was just happy there wasn’t something deeper going on. So she smiled. She liked how honest he was, there was a possible anxiety problem that she’d noticed but honestly addressing it could wait too.
“Oh Shane of course that’s okay, I would happily go slow with you. I’m just glad you’re okay!” She responded happily. Shane looked up for what felt like the first time since she started this conversation and returned her smile. It felt good like this. Maybe this could actually become something good.
-❆-
It was two weeks after her first serious relationship conversation with Shane that the optimistic feeling in her stomach shattered. They still hadn’t done anything more than making out a couple of times but Shane had told her some days ago that he actually wanted to try and do more soon. Normally this would’ve made her very happy, and it did in the beginning. It felt like a good thing, a normal thing. Like soon they would be a couple like all her friends were couples (not that she’d ever blame Shane for wanting to take it slow, she wasn’t an asshole). So yes, normally she would’ve been ecstatic for her and Shane to take the next step in their relationship, but that was before she’d seen it.
Before you blame her, she hadn’t meant to look. It was just that she and Shane were sharing a bed for maybe the second or third time ever. Not to do anything exactly, just to sleep. She had been in the area and Shane had invited her to her home. They’d cooked together, watched a movie, drank some wine or at least she drank some wine, he still preferred his ginger ale, though he’d been getting better about loosening up from time to time. And so at some point in the night it became too late for Rose to book a hotel and Shane had asked her to just stay over. It had been an easy choice.
It was a little bit awkward, sleeping in the same bed without sleeping in the same bed. At some point in the night Shane had turned his back to her, seemingly texting someone on his phone. Rose didn’t mind being the big spoon, it was cute that her boyfriend felt like he could be vulnerable with her. She knew how difficult it was to distance yourself from your masculinity in front of others, especially when you spent your whole life in an environment like hockey. So they cuddled in a non conventional way, but she didn’t mind.
What she hadn’t expected though was what she would see that night. It had been peaceful, sleeping next to Shane. After spooning him from behind he had apparently fallen asleep after her, but had turned around a bit so now they were full on cuddling. Rose would’ve had the night of her dreams had she not drank so much last night because she woke up from her peaceful state to pie. When she awoke and saw in which position she and her boyfriend had found themselves in she smiled at him. He was actually adorable.
It looked like Shane had only just fallen asleep because his phone was still on in his hand. The soft glow made her eyes squint a bit. But it helped her get up from the bed without disturbing Shane’s much needed sleep. So she went to the bathroom, and returned to a still sleeping Shane with a still open phone in his hand.
Her plan had been to softly grip the phone and put it in the charger so Shane wouldn’t have to go through tomorrow on an empty phone battery. She never meant to actually look at Shane’s phone, privacy was very important to her actually. But while she grabbed his phone from a sleeping Shane’s hand and made her way to his night stand where the charger was plugged in she caught a glimpse of a message thread that Shane was apparently looking at. And well, blame her nosiness on her career but she looked at it. She only meant to look at the contact information, really! She wanted to see who he fell asleep texting, expecting it to be his mother, or Hayden, or something. But that was not who she saw.
Lily
(11 november 2016)
Lily:
you still want to fuck tonight?
9:23 a.m.
Me:
You’re such an asshole.
9:23 a.m.
Lily:
that was not an answer
9:23 a.m.
Me:
…
9:23 a.m.
Me:
Yes.
9:26 a.m.
Lily:
okay, my house 8 pm
9:27 a.m.
Me:
I’ll be there.
9:27 a.m.
(12 november 2016)
Lily:
i shouldn’t have said that
10:47 a.m.
Lily:
hollander please
11:02 p.m.
Rose almost couldn’t believe her eyes. Who the hell was Lily? She’d never heard Shane mention someone named Lily before. The moment she’d seen the messages, she’d closed the thread, not wanting to dig further in Shane’s privacy. But now she quickly regretted it, she’d seen November being labelled at the start of the thread, but hadn’t seen the date. It was the beginning of December so it could be an old text message, but that still didn’t explain anything.
She just didn’t understand. Why was Shane looking at old messages from this Lily person? While she was right there. And apparently he’d lied about his issues with intimacy too, because she was certain that she’d seen the word fuck from the girl. So Shane apparently had some secret relationship, which was at the most a month old. She just really hoped the messages she saw were the last ones of the thread and not a portion scrolled up. She was fairly certain Shane wouldn’t blatantly cheat on her like that but well, she’d also thought that he wouldn’t lie like that so maybe she didn’t know him at all.
This was so unexpected, she’d honestly just been waiting for their first time together to judge if he was actually into women or not, she’d even prepared her whole ‘I don’t mind my boyfriend being gay’ speech but she’d never had a partner cheat on her before. Well she wasn’t sure if he was actually cheating yet. She cursed at herself for closing the thread so fast, maybe if she’d looked a moment longer she could actually tell if it was just some old messages or an actual problem. She didn’t want to make a big deal out of nothing but she also didn’t want to be cheated on you know?
Looking around in a panic, Shane was still sleeping peacefully next to her. He seemed so content, happy. She could never in her life imagine this man hurting her on purpose, let alone cheat. Cheating was serious stuff, and well, Shane couldn’t even kiss her with tongue for more than 5 minutes. This just wasn’t like Shane at all.
She huffed tiredly, her peaceful mood completely disturbed. She rubbed her hand gently against his cheek and saw him subconsciously smile. Vowing to deal with it in the morning, she returned to her previous place under the sheats and laid her head against Shanes.
The next morning came too soon.
Waking up next to Shane was usually her favourite part of the day but today it just made her head hurt. Shane yawned her way and smiled as she clinged closer to him. Maybe she could just pretend that last night didn’t happen? But the thought quickly left her, no she had to communicate, she reminded herself.
Shane could see her thought process almost immediately because he quickly sat up and asked her what was wrong. It took a moment to find the courage to ask her a question. She was scared this might be the end to her not even fully grown relationship with Shane Hollander. But nevertheless, she took a big breath and asked.
“Who is Lily?”
The moment the words left her mouth she knew she’d fucked up. She should’ve waited, until both her and Shane were dressed and she’d had her coffee. She should’ve sat him down with a disclaimer, like two weeks ago.
Shane’s eyes were filled with what she could only describe as blinding panic. Like she just uncovered his biggest secret that could actually ruin his whole life. She just didn’t understand. So she started to backtrack.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said it like that! I’m not accusing you or anything, and I’m sorry that I know the name- I didn’t mean too, I promise! It was so late and I just wanted to charge your phone for you, and I saw a text! But it could’ve meant nothing, and I didn’t look-”
She rambled, now also panicking. Hoping Shane wouldn’t look at her any different. Who did she even think that she was? Looking through his texts and then accusing him of doing something wrong. She should’ve just ignored it. But Shane interrupted.
“Hey! Hey, Rose! I’m so sorry, it’s okay. Can you breathe with me?” Yes. She could breath, breathing was so easy actually, especially when it was with Shane. She noticed that the breathing helped them both, Shane probably more than her, but it helped her all the same.
After both of them had calmed down, they moved to the couch. It was a little awkward again, but she guessed that was the price to pay for a healthy relationship. The quiet stretched a little too long for her liking, so she tried again. With caution this time.
“So, who’s Lily? An ex-girlfriend? I thought you only had Jessica?” She asked softly, waiting for Shane to explain himself. She felt him steady his breath, his knees starting to bounce again.
“No, uh, it’s complicated.” He paused. Complicated, right. She should’ve expected something complicated, what wasn’t with them?
“Can you try and explain anyway? I will listen to you, Shane I promise.” She tried to reassure him but wasn’t sure if it actually worked. Though Shane started to talk again.
“Me and Lily, we aren’t together, I mean we never were. We just met up from time to time to-” He stopped, but Rose could guess where it was going.
“To have sex?” She answered his sentence for him. Shane looked away in embarrassment but nodded his head. She had already kind of assumed that but that still left her with questions.
“I thought you had problems with fast intimacy? That’s why we’re taking it slow, is it not?” Shane nodded but she saw in his expression that she was only partially correct.
“It is, I do. It’s just- It was different then.” And, oh. That kind of hurt.
“With Lily you mean? It was different with her? Easier?” She saw Shane realise what she’d meant and try and clarify, though she knew she was at least somewhat right.
“That’s not what I meant. Rose, you are an amazing woman. And I like you a lot, I love spending time with you, the intimacy, it’s just hard. It has nothing to do with you, I promise you that. I just need to get over my problems first.”
“Your problems… with Lily?” She asked, she didn’t really understand what he meant but that didn’t mean she didn’t want to understand. Shane sighed, running his hands through his hair.
“I- Lily and I, our intimacy was without feeling involved. That’s different from you and me. Then we, uh, fought. We haven’t spoken since before I met you, and as long as we’re together that will stay that way. My intimacy issues have nothing to do with you or Lily, it’s all me. I will get over it, and I will make sure you are loved and cared for. Look Rose, I really didn’t mean to hurt you, Lily will never be a problem in our relationship. I wouldn’t do that to you.”
And Rose believed him. Partially. She believed the important parts, that she didn’t need to worry, that he wouldn’t do that to her. She knew that already, Shane couldn’t even hurt a fly if he tried. But she also knew that this Lily person was important to him. Important enough to have sex with while apparently with her he can’t, important enough to fall asleep to reading their text thread.
Shane hadn’t lied when he said that he liked Rose, but she was almost certain he loved Lily. Which didn’t mean she wouldn’t try with this relationship anyway, this was the happiest she’d been in a long time. But it did mean that it probably wouldn’t last. Maybe it could if Shane got over this girl, but seeing the shine in his eyes it seemed unlikely. She just hoped that Lily knew how lucky she was, whoever she was.
-❆-
A week later, returning from their third and last serious talk in their relationship there was clarity. The restaurant had been awkward, like the couch was awkward, but at least this time Rose was somewhat prepared. At least this time she knew what she was getting into, she’d experienced it before. Her ‘I’m okay with my boyfriend being gay’ speech had indeed helped. Small victories. It was so obvious looking back. Stepping into her taxi, yelling after Shane to call her, she realised two things that she should’ve known from the start.
The first was that Lily was truly someone special, having ‘no feelings involved’ had been the biggest lie Shane’d ever told her, and not only that but she was someone good for Shane, someone different.
And the second was that maybe the reason that she was so different was because she wasn’t a she at all. Looking back it was really obvious.
She just hoped he knew how lucky he was.