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Teleporting back to the main area of the Circus wasn’t always easy. Especially after an adventure that left your body trembling like the distant memory of winter, the core of your soul attempting to compensate for the lack of warmth it’s desperately trying to grasp. A feeling Caine could never perfectly replicate with their multitude of adventures in various weather phenomena. No, the trembling was a deep rooted anxiety, or an exhaustion seeping heavy into their virtual bodies, almost as if they should be collapsing to their knees, but they almost never did.
This was one of those times where he did, fingers grasping at nothing on the checkerboard ground, the bright fluorescent lights of the circus pounding into his head relentlessly. The muffled noises of his castmates bounced in between his long ears, his focus not sticking long enough to translate what was being said. All he could hear was the snap of the ringmaster’s fingers as they were sent back, echoing in his brain as his eyes burned, sharp, pointed anger poking at his pure black irises.
Jax couldn’t remember the last time he was this fired up. He’s definitely gotten close many times during his life in the Circus, vaguely hidden behind wide smiles fighting for a singular twitch, a furrowed brow, desperate to escape the clutches of his own stubborn nature. The few times he slipped, he would quickly resort to damage control. Manipulation at its finest, hiding his own raw soul behind a fabricated purple rubber hose bunny, harsh words and gestures a Jax of the past wouldn’t have dreamed of using.
Pomni fought through that stature of his, and he let her, foolishly. He had allowed himself the pleasure of friendship, of companionship in the past and all it did was cause more torment for his mind, scrubbing his fragile soul raw, open to the air. Stinging, familiar to the feeling of when an abstracted individual lowered their blackened limbs onto his shoulder, a collection of eyes focused onto his own shrunken pupils. Eyes that used to be kind, humor dancing in them much like his own, a friendship covered by an inky black substance, forgotten in the cellar.
He pushed her away, tried to keep her at a distance, and he had hoped it had worked like it worked on everyone else, but she just continued to be herself, kind, aware of everyone’s feelings, including his own reluctant ones, and it drove him crazy. She reminded him so much of them, kind but spoke up when the moment needed it, didn’t take disrespect. Willing to call him or anyone else out and put them in their place, but with so much care behind the words it made him sick. Didn’t call every little thing out that bothered her, but it was obvious if you looked at their face, discontent clear, just like the jester that took up a dusty corner of his mind, cobwebs lining it from its misuse. Pomni, utilizing her little red and blue feather duster, cleaning up that muddled part of his brain, who could blame him for trying to vacate her? He liked it how it was, free from meaningful bonds, friendships, relationships. No point to it, he and Kaufmo were a perfect example of that after she abstracted, a strain being placed on the two grieving friends. They grew apart, simple as that.
He didn’t even have the confidence to go to Kaufmo’s funeral, just like them and a few others after them. No point in ruminating on your losses, just push forward, live with your mistakes closed away in a pink, dark room.
On top of it all, he almost abstracted today, a fact he couldn’t even allow himself to think too much about right now, too many things from today bouncing around his head. He knew it wasn’t the first time, letting himself fall into that headspace, but coming out of it felt like being doused in ice cold water, the realization and shame of what he was doing to himself sticking to his fur. An uncomfortable reminder of how far he’s gone off the deep end. He wonders what might’ve happened if Pomni hadn’t knocked on the door. It had never been that intense, that was the closest he ever felt and as much as he hated to admit it, it was terrifying. A part of him welcomed the distraction of today, as much of a heavy strain it put on his psyche, but now it’s all combining at once in his head and he hates it.
He feels completely out of control of himself, he can’t believe he lost it in front of them. The mask dropped, his unstable, wavering mind shown on full display to the others, and he doesn’t think he can manipulate his way out of this one. Unattainable pieces of his mask lay back in Caine’s office, in his bedroom, in the Circus itself after him and Pomni’s ridiculous argument. He doesn’t think he could gather those pieces back if he tried.
He wants to tear his ridiculous gloves off, focusing back on the ground in front of him, gloves gripping uselessly at the ground still. A part of him craves the normalcy of flesh against the ground, the feeling of the cold marble rising into his palms, a reminder that he’s alive. Are any of them truly alive? Are they just part of the machine, pumping life into the stagnant world of the Circus? Do they even have bodies to return to, or are they cursed to death upon their return to the real world, if that’s even an option for their imprisoned psyches. Is it even worth it? He just wants to—
“Jax? Can you hear me? “
Pomni gets down on her knees in front of Jax carefully, folding her legs under herself, allowing him just enough space to breathe. It felt vaguely familiar to when she would approach stray animals during her expeditions in abandoned buildings, flattened ears and harsh breaths escaping their mouths, much like Jax currently. His eyes are crazed, aimlessly scanning the checkerboard floor, fingers clenching at the ground, back hunched over.
He’d been lost in his own head the last few minutes since they returned to the main plaza, oddly silent after his fit of manic laughing and yelling. The others began processing the last day by organizing themselves on the group of couches, aside from Kinger, who retreated to his pillow fort nearby. She thinks he needed to clear his head himself, which she knew the dark assisted with. She’d have to speak to him later, she thinks he’ll have some important input about today's events.
Pomni was the one who volunteered to get Jax up, the others apprehensiveness with herself and Jax obvious, so they didn’t put up much of a fight. They have simply kept to themselves, speaking in hushed tones, emotion heavy over their shoulders. Pomni didn’t have it in her to try and defend her own actions, the emotions of the day too tense for her to venture into just yet, much less make sense of Jax’s.
Speaking of the bunny, Jax didn’t seem to hear her. His breath consistently got caught in his throat, the panic clear in his body language. She carefully reaches out, putting a gentle hand down on one of his own, and he immediately flinches in response, ears flicking backwards in an instinctual movement of fear. His eyes lock with hers immediately, the crazed pupils still scrambling, like they’re one wrong move away from flying out of his sclera. It makes her breath catch in her throat, seeing him in such a state, but in the weirdest way, she isn’t shocked this is happening.
Ever since their argument after the gun adventure, she had spent some time thinking about his behavior. She took a psychology class when she did her two years in community college, and while she wasn’t an expert, there were definitely things flashing in her head from that class after her and Jax argued. Something had definitely happened to him to cause his behavior, a loss in particular, possibly combined with unknown childhood trauma, she figured. She gathered that much on her own, just from little bits of information she’s caught onto from Jax himself and Ragatha especially, who had told her a few days ago to ‘ Not push him too hard just yet. He’s stubborn, not easy to talk to anymore. Things changed after Ribbit... ‘
It didn’t take a genius to realize that Ribbit was the cartoon frog from the set of doors in the hall, crossed out in blood red, a constant reminder of their absence, someone who deserved more than a cold, dark cellar. Someone who didn’t deserve to be forgotten, which they clearly weren’t. It was a reminder that they’re all human, and aren’t always treated as such. Grief can really change a person, and Jax seemed to be a perfect example of that.
He pushed everyone away, became harsher, more malicious almost as if his goal was to become so unlikable no one would want to even try to get close to him. From the bits of information she’s gotten from Ragatha, he wasn’t always so malicious, always a jokester, but never out of the intent to harm or cause genuine distress. He wasn’t easy to get to know, still emotionally unavailable most of the time, which remained consistent with current Jax. He was constantly dodging questions with a joke or a conversation change, to the point where Ragatha simply gave up after a while. Aside from that though, very different from the Jax she met when she first got stuck in the Circus, but she could see bits of who he was under the harsh mask, and she liked what she saw.
Then, after a simple hug, he lashed out at her, pushed her further away with harsh words, attempting to gaslight her that they were not getting along, that they weren’t becoming friends, that he didn’t care. She wasn’t an idiot, she could see it in his eyes that he was just trying to convince her and himself of his own lie. He had been opening up that day, giving her bits of information about himself that she stored away in her memory bank. She knew he must’ve regretted it, that much was obvious with his behavior.
She knows his goal was to scare her off, and unfortunately ( or fortunately ) for him, it didn’t. She’s been consistently acting relatively normal towards him, and he didn’t even seem too put off by it, almost like he gave up. He’s been different since they argued, that much was obvious to her and everyone else, and now everything he’s been holding back is on full display in front of her eyes, an open wound sitting in the air.
Even throughout the day, she picked up on how different he was holding himself, almost like he was trying to hold himself up but didn’t have enough motivation to keep it consistent, slouching, quieter. It felt like a strong wind would’ve knocked him over some moments, his repressed anxiety clear, hidden behind his theatrical arrogance. Even when he would slip the fading mask back on, it wouldn’t last long, and she was sure the others picked up on it too, whether they wanted to admit it or not. That had been happening for days now, since their argument, but today it was the most glaring, a reminder that something was different about him, something broken.
She suspected something was going on today the second he opened his bedroom door earlier, a gleam in his eyes that she couldn’t excuse him just ‘ napping ‘ as he had put it. Something was wrong, more obvious and in the open than usual, and it unnerved her. Bitterly, she was grateful her instincts were correct.
Yet, even after everything that happened between them, he still listened to her, took her words to heart and put in the effort they needed from him today. He clearly soaked up every word she said to him like a sponge, and it made something distant flutter in her chest. She hopes that works now, she needed it for this.
“ Jax, you need to breathe, okay? Just follow along with me, alright? “ she curls her fingers around his trembling hand carefully, watching his reactions with a calm gaze, witnessing his eyes clear a little, and he fumbles a nod, ears flopping forward as she guides him through some controlled breathing. Keeping her hand in his own, she tries to ignore the sudden silence of the others close by, their previous hushed whispers fading away. She was distantly surprised that he was actually listening, even with the events of earlier today, but she figured out something about herself was different than the others. She thinks if it was anyone else he would’ve fought them off, lashed out harshly in his own panic, but not her.
He follows along with her quiet instructions, eyes closed, head ducked as his lungs start to function, careful breaths escaping his closed teeth, trembling calming to a light shake in his hands. Their breaths are in sync, the closest she’s felt to him since the gun adventure. His eyes shift back to their normal black squares, and they move to connect with her own. She seems something shift in his expression, his eyes darting over her shoulder, and his chest stutters briefly. He pulls his hand back immediately, like he was burned by the emotional vulnerability he’s always ran from. In a blink, he’s on his feet, unsteady, quickly turning on his heel and speed walking away, and Pomni doesn’t even fight it, letting him have a bit of time to collect himself. Something tells her this isn’t the first time he’s had an attack like this, and she doesn’t think it’ll be the last.
It feels nice to just sit in the darkness sometimes, surrounded by silence and dimmed awareness. It definitely helps the post-panic attack headache aching along his eyebrow line, a tight, angry band wrapped around his head, a reminder of his own failure to keep himself steady. He reaches a shaky hand out from his perch on his quilted sheets, flipping the photo from his past back over, taking solace in the blank side of the polaroid.
He resists the urge to close his eyes and zone out, afraid of what may lay beneath his eyelids if he keeps his eyes in the dark too long. Potentially inviting in abstract shapes and colors, visions of his dead friends, the concept of death unfolding into reality before his own eyes. It made his skin crawl, discomfort wriggling under his short fur as he shivers, squinting at the door, the light from outside barely creeping into the darkness.
Pomni…always managing to find a way to get under his skin, but in a different way, gentler than he’d like to admit. A gentle warmth settled around his shoulders, someone he could mess around with and not have them bend under the pressure. Someone that could handle his energy and take it with stride, someone that could joke back with him, something that he hadn’t had in a *long time. He wasn’t sure at first what made her different from the others, it was an unconscious decision, almost like his body decided for him that this would be the next person to get close to his caged heart, after so much time.
But when he fully realized what was happening, and who she reminded him of, he locked back up, took the key she had gently stolen from its handle, and ran away. He had worked so hard after everything happened with them to keep everyone away, and yet Pomni comes along and starts dragging the old him out by his ears, whether he wanted it or not.
He had foolishly thought that he managed to push her away, but she didn’t seem too swayed by his words, almost as if she had simply brushed them off. She didn’t push him too much in the following days since the gun adventure, but she acted normal towards him and continued to do so no matter how he reacted, and he isn’t sure how to feel about that still. A big part of him is annoyed, frustrated with her resilience, but another part of him feels different. He’s not sure how to describe it, to himself or to anyone else.
He felt that same feeling when she asked him to come with them today, when she reassured him, when she offered her hand to him to walk to their supposed escape from the hell that is the Circus, and it made him want to retreat into his own skin, curl up into a ball and hide.
He can definitely say he felt a mixture of whatever that is and frustration when he came out of his panic attack and made eye contact with her red and blue irises, deep worry dancing in them, and it just made him feel sick. She cared so much, and it just settled uncomfortably in his chest, reminding him of his own deep desires that he thought he snuffed out ages ago.
No one was ever supposed to see him like that, the vulnerability he’s kept behind closed doors for ages reared its ugly head today of all days, and he doesn’t think he can undo this one, no matter what he tries, and it makes him want to drown himself in the digital lake outside, even though he knows it wouldn’t work.
He keeps seeing their faces in his head from earlier, his spot on the floor, nor Pomni in front of him blocking his view from seeing them all staring, a mixture of pity and unreadable looks settled on all of their faces, aside from Kinger. It just made his breath spike again, and he needed to get out of there before he did anything more that he may regret, so he did. Retreating to his darkened room, away from the eyes of pity, but potentially reintroducing himself to the eyes of abstraction, his friends of the past hiding in the dark corners.
A part of him isn’t too surprised he got to this point, it was a long time coming after all. His own actions come back to bite him, reminding him of his own transgressions and failures, whether during his time in the Circus or in his previous life, getting involved in the wrong crowd, making bad decisions, why, because daddy didn’t love him? Please.
If only his mother could see him now, he can’t even imagine ever facing her again after everything. A rocky relationship already, he can’t even fathom what might go through her head. He can’t let himself spiral into that set of thoughts again, there was no point in ruminating over it after all. He’ll never get the chance to fix anything between them, not that he had the skills to even do so, he’s never been good with emotional vulnerability after all.
And yet, once again emotional vulnerability was his own downfall. Losing it in front of everyone, being poked and prodded by anxiety and panic for days on end beforehand, today was just otherwise terrible and a part of him longed to never leave the comfort of his room again. Free to lounge in the silent, grave darkness of his room, no kind voices to prod at his wavering mask, as much as a deep part of him may crave it.
He can’t close his eyes, fear staggering in his chest at the thought, his heart dropping to his stomach, and he sits up quickly, hands fisting at the blanket below him. His throat felt like it was closing, like a rock was blocking it, and he rubbed at it uncomfortably. Why did this have to keep happening? His anxiety was something that followed him from the real world, memories of various anxiety and panic attacks throughout his youth, following him into his young adult life, phases of it being better or worse. He’s dealt with it on and off since he got into the Circus, but it had some bad spikes, particularly after she abstracted, and now, after his blowout argument with Pomni, which irritated him to no end.
Why did she have such a strong effect on him? Sure, she may be similar in certain ways to them, but she was also her own person outside of that, which he begrudgingly liked. It wasn’t like he looked at her and just constantly saw her, but their similarities definitely stuck out to him. It wasn’t Pomni’s fault after all, it’s not like she chose to be so similar to his dead best friend, but it hurt, and he could admit that to himself, if only in his own head.
God, he just wanted to talk to her, but he couldn’t. He can’t let himself have that, can’t drop his guard, as bad as he may want to. As comforting as a familiar presence can be, as calming as a close person can be when suffering from anxiety. He can’t go back, not after the pain it caused him last time.
Sometimes, he wished he could abstract. Just leave all of this behind, no one here liked him after all, his own doing. But another part of him was terrified of the concept of abstraction, being unaware of what would happen to his mind, a monstrous version of himself being transported to the cellar along with the other members of the Circus who couldn’t keep it together. After today though, he wondered if Caine had something to do with the abstractions, he hoped not.
He still couldn’t make sense of what he did earlier either, suddenly being flooded with images of his past like someone had pressed a big, red, trigger button to set him off. If he was being honest, he’s not sure how much of that was him and how much of it was Caine getting in his head. Maybe a mixture of both…
Truthfully, he didn’t have the mental fortitude to allow himself to go down that train of thought today, or any of the near upcoming days if he was being honest with himself right now. He didn’t want to move, or think.
He definitely didn’t want to face any of them after today though, especially Pomni, after he spiraled earlier. So staying here was the best idea, wide awake, aware. No zoning out, no closing his eyes, no pictures to look at to remind him of his own agony. It was better this way, his energy plucked from his soul, no motivation to keep the mask up, just sitting in sile—
“ Jax? “ a knock on the door.
“ #@$&. “
Pomni hears the muffled curse from inside and snorts lightly, shaking her head. She gave him some time after earlier, allowing him the space he clearly craved. But something told her to not leave him alone for too long, some sort of instinct. While she waited, she had spent time in the kitchen, finding the oddly normal tea bags Ragatha had spoken to her about a few days prior, finding various blends. She recalled being told that while all of the flavors were accurate, they were mixed up, green tea bags actually being hibiscus, hibiscus bags being peppermint, peppermint being green, etcetera etcetera.
She remembered enjoying green tea back in the real world so she had grabbed a peppermint tea bag and placed it into a mug of hot water. Ragatha had also shared a memory of Jax always drinking peppermint tea when she would catch him in the kitchen at night in the past, and with that in mind, she dropped a hibiscus bag into another mug, and carried them to the bunny’s door, lightly kicking his door to knock. Which led back to now, the muffled curse and silence that followed it, no movement heard inside.
Pomni hums, raising an eyebrow at the door, staring at the endless smile of Jax’s 2D avatar, a fraud. She was exhausted, but determined to at least try and get through to her stubborn friend, whether he viewed her the same or not ( which she was sure he did—very deep down. )
“ Jax? Look, I’m sure you don’t want to see anyone, but I don’t think that’ll benefit you as much as you’re probably convincing yourself it will. I’m not here to tease you for earlier or anything, I get it, trust me, I do. I would just open the door myself, but my hands are full of mugs, tea I worked really hard to make, so unfortunately, I have to rely on you to open it. “ she states to him, mild annoyance, with a drop of amusement leaking into her tone as she waits.
A beat passes, then two, then she hears an annoyed groan on the other end, and the sound of his paws hitting the floor as the door cracks open, darkness surrounding the purple bunny.
“ Tea is not that hard to make, you’re exaggerating. “ he states simply, exhaustion clear in his tone, typical smile void from his face, and she frowns, shaking the mug with his own tea at him.
“ No I don’t think you understand, the mixed up tea bags are incredibly stressful to manage, I almost didn’t make it out of there to get you this peppermint tea. “ she says in an overly serious tone, keeping her eyes on his, watching his pupils briefly widen at the mention of the flavor, before he scoffs, looking away from her.
“ Are you trying to bribe me out or something? Didn’t peg you as the type Pom. “ he says in a fatigued tone, clearly not having the energy to put on his theatrical snark, and Pomni huffs, shoving it closer to him.
“ Stop being an @##. Let me in. “ she states simply, narrowing her own eyes at his darting irises, seeming to avoid looking directly at her face.
“ What are you playing at, Pomni? Think you’ll get through to me, get me to open up with the promise of tea and your presence? “ he asks simply, eyebrow raised as he studies her, and she hums, nodding.
“ If you let me, then yeah. Today has been %&#@ for all of us, and things are too awkward with everyone else, so I’m here, because I think deep down you don’t want to be alone, and I don’t either. “ she admits, eyes trailing down to her own mug, the smell of the tea hitting her digital nostrils, a comforting presence. When she lifted her eyes back up to Jax’s, his eyes were slightly dilated, looking at her with an unreadable expression clouding his face. After a moment, he huffs, opening his door more to let her inside, frown sitting heavily on his face. Still, she strides in, squinting in the dark room, but taking her win regardless as he closes the door behind him, his annoyance clear.
” You never quit, do you? Even after everything I said to you, you’re still bothering with me? Are you confident or just stupid? “ he asks harshly, arms crossed protectively over his chest, slouching as he stares at her. Pomni remains unimpressed at his attempts to push her away, and she rolls her eyes, sitting his mug on what looks like a desk.
“ Maybe both, but do you have to be so miserable over someone caring about you? It’s getting a little old. “ annoyance creeps into her tone as she says this to him, taking a sip of her tea as he frowns deeper, a light ‘ *tsk ‘ escaping his teeth.
“ I don’t care about you, so I don’t get why you’re even trying. “
“ I didn’t say you did, but okay, if that’s what you need to say to make yourself feel better about sharing tea with one of your *playthings. “ she responds with a shrug, holding back a laugh at his brief surprised look, an ear twitching as he huffs, turning away to sit on his bed. She takes a moment to look around the room, and from what she can make out in the dimmed light, the room is oddly…cute? Pink wallpaper, cartoon rainbows, a small table with three chairs, vaguely reminding her of playdates from her childhood. She knew they didn’t have control over their avatar rooms, but she never expected his room to be so…
” Say one thing and you’re in the hall. “ an annoyed voice cuts through her thoughts, and she turns to see a barely concealed embarrassed look on Jax’s face, and she smiles lightly, shrugging.
“ I was going to say it was nice. “ she says amusedly as she grabs his mug, placing it in his open hands, which he grabs onto, to her relief. She wasn’t sure he would, which would’ve led to a whole other mess. She can practically see it, Jax hopping around with burnt paws, raging at her to leave the room and never speak to her again. Which, it would've been his own fault for not grabbing the mug in some odd act of defiance against her, but whatever.
She can tell the warmth from the mug calmed something in his chest, his expression shifting. Just barely, enough for her to feel confident enough to sit next to him, gently admiring the quilt they were sitting on. He doesn’t react to her weight lightly dipping the bed, silently bringing the mug to his mouth, sipping quietly. She does the same, sitting in the comfortable silence.
Eventually, after a few minutes, Jax sighs heavily, placing the mug on his desk, half gone. It drags Pomni’s attention back to him, previously being on the set of backwards Polaroid photos on the wall behind them. He seems to be trying to say something, eyebrows furrowed, looking at the floor, and she gives him the time, taking a calm sip of her cooling tea as he seems to fight through his own emotional constipation.
“ I just…don’t understand. “ he finally states after a moment, keeping his eyes trained on the floor, and Pomni raises an eyebrow, shifting a little in her spot, which doesn’t go unnoticed by Jax, one of his ears unconsciously flicking in her direction at the movement.
“ What do you mean by that? “ she asks, genuine, kind. He frowns, leaning back on his hands, eyes meeting hers.
“ I was terrible to you, said so many harsh things to you and yet, you’re still talking to me, treating me normally, offering comfort and kind words, and I just—I don’t. Understand. “ he admits, a hand wiping down his face, a brief tremble in them, which she takes note of. Concern sits in between her ribs, heavy, persistent.
She takes a moment to process his words, tapping her fingers on the cooling ceramic of her mug, shaking her head gently.
“ Well, for one, you’re my friend, whether you feel the same about me or not, I care. Plus, I see right through this…act of yours. I don’t believe what you said to me, even if it did hurt. You’re very good at being terrible for someone who doesn’t seem to truly want to be alone. “ she says while looking him right in the eyes, watching the moment his pupils shrink, darting away from her with a scoff.
“ Don’t act like you know me that well. I promise you that you don’t. “ is all he can come up with in return, exhaustion clear in his voice, and she hums in agreement, reaching over to place her mug next to his.
“ You’re right, I’ve only gotten to know you so much, and I’d love to know you more if you let me, but I’m good at picking up on #$&*@#$@ Jax. It’s not a bad thing to not want to be alone, to have someone you can talk to. It’s actually healthier than what you’ve been doing for…who knows how long actually. “ she frowns, pulling her legs up to hug to her chest, resting her head on them as she looks over at the conflicted bunny “ I know how lonely I felt in the real world when I didn’t really have friends, it sucks. “ she finishes gently, watching his ears droop in response.
“ You don’t get it Pom… “ he mumbles, head tilting back to look over at the flipped photos she was looking at earlier, a distant look in his eyes, and she hums, leaning a little closer.
“ Then help me understand, I won’t say a word to anyone, I promise. “ she assures gently, a light smile dancing on her face as he looks back at her, his pupils dilating. He stares at her for a moment before looking away, clearing his throat, and if she wasn’t mistaken a dark purple flush was across his face. It made something warm settle between her digital ribs, and she decided she’d focus on it later, focusing her attention instead on the purple bunny’s inner turmoil, who had shifted to hold his hands close to his chest, a pained furrow to his brow. It seemed to be some sort of nervous habit that she’d never seen before, letting her know how much his mask had truly wavered since their argument.
“ I don’t make friends…not anymore. It’s better this way, believe me, being friends with me is not worth it. I’m not even saying that to be purposefully self deprecating, it’s just the truth. “ he says, tone defeated and tired as he shifts uncomfortably, and Pomni frowns, shifting closer subtly.
“ You lost someone…right? “ she questions carefully, putting her hands up quickly as Jax’s head snaps over to hers, pinprick pupils boring into her eyes.
“ I only know a name! Ragatha mentioned them to me, only gave me bits and pieces of how you used to be. Don’t be upset with her, please, I was the one who asked after all. “ she explains, guilt sitting over her features as Jax huffs at the mention of the ragdoll, looking away.
“ I don’t even have it in me to be angry right now…but yeah, you’re right. “ he admits quietly, fiddling with his gloves absentmindedly as she nods, settling back into a more comfortable sitting position.
“ I’m sorry, I can’t imagine what that must’ve been like…you two were close, right? “ she asks carefully, testing the waters on what she can say, and Jax nods solemnly, humming.
“ Yeah, very much. She was the one to show me the ropes when I first got here, made it more…bearable. I didn’t really…get close to people in the real world often, so it was new to me. Letting someone get that close. “ he states, and Pomni can see the hurt in his eyes thinking back on this, he was clearly uncomfortable but pushing through it, which she appreciated. He shifts suddenly, bending back to grab a Polaroid off the wall, turning it over slowly, allowing Pomni to peak over and see.
The picture showcased a smiling Jax, Ribbit and Kaufmo, shockingly, holding what looked like hot chocolates, and she hummed in surprise, raising a questioning brow at Jax, who didn’t stop looking at the photo, eyes stuck on the memory.
“ I didn’t know you and Kaufmo were friends? “ she questions, and Jax sighs, thumb rubbing over the photo gently.
“ We…we grew apart after… don’t think we really knew how to talk to each other after that. “ he explains, shrugging as he places the photo back on the wall, turned back over. Pomni can tell that even with the distance that seemed to grow between them, he seemed to mourn Kaufmo too, his ears drooping at the reminder. He huffs a laugh, tight, like it fought to get past his throat, shaking his head.
“ It’s—it’s ridiculous to think back on, how different everything used to be, I was so naive— “ he cuts himself off with a shiver, holding his trembling hands to his chest as he exhales sharply. Pomni sits up straight immediately, caring eyes looking him over as he struggles to keep himself from spiraling into another attack. It hurts knowing that her instinct about these attacks was correct, but she’s experienced some anxiety and panic attacks herself, so she wasn’t completely out of her depth.
“ Hey—hey you’re good, I promise. “ she says quietly, a gentle hand settling on his knee as he lightly flinches at the contact, eyes meeting hers.
“ I thought—I thought you didn’t even like touch. Why do you keep touching me? “ he asks in a rushed voice, though he doesn't sound angry, more confused if anything underneath the anxiety, and Pomni shrugs, smiling lightly.
“ I don’t mind it with you. “ she says like it’s the easiest set of words to ever escape her mouth, and Jax seems to freeze, almost as if his anxiety grinned to a halt. His eyes are dilated once again, practically staring into her soul, and she lets an amused snort escape, which seems to knock him out of whatever trance he had fallen into, blinking in disbelief at her, a light flush across his face.
“ Why? “ he asks, sounding genuinely distressed, and she smiles, leaning closer.
“ I like being around you, you don’t treat me like I can’t handle things, sure yeah you’ve teased me, but as you got to get to know me more you just treated me normally, which I’ve appreciated a lot. I have a lot of fun with you, I think we click well, more than I ever clicked with people in the normal world…I don’t think you’re the complete @## you try to make yourself out to be, and I want to see that side of you more often. “ she admits, feeling her own face warm, eyes darting down to his own hands, which are still lightly trembling, settled in his lap instead of being held to his chest. Almost as if they’d given up on trying to manage his anxiety, leaving his vulnerability bare to the jester.
She focuses on the seams in his gloves, a little desperate for something to distract her from pouring a bit of her heart out, so much that she almost doesn’t notice the gentle hitch his body suddenly gives. She looks back up quickly, witnessing him drop his face into his hands, hunched over, a shuddering exhale leaving him, shoulders shaking. Her face softened immediately, leaning her weight closer to his own, trying to make out his mumbling.
“ Jax…it’s okay, you don’t have to hide, it’s like I said, I won’t tell anyone, it won’t leave this room. “ she mutters gently. He shakes his head fervently, yet still keeps it shielded within his palms, whole body trembling at the effort of keeping that final string attached. The final string of the perfectly sewn on mask he had crafted so long ago, and Pomni had the scissors to perform that final snip.
“ No–no I can’t do this–not again Pomni I can’t. Even if I–even if I want– “ he shudders, inhaling sharply, and she decides to take the risk and gently pull his shoulders forward to give him a hug, feeling his forehead gently hit against her shoulder, accepting it, losing his resolve. He didn’t pull his arms up to hug her back, simply laying limp against her, quiet, broken sobs leaving his throat as she gently rubbed his back with one hand, fingers on the other playing with his suspender strap.
“ I can’t begin to fully understand how much hurt you’ve experienced here, how much you’ve been through, in the real world or not, but I can tell you that I don’t think you need to go through it alone anymore. I know it can take time for someone to open up, and I’m okay with that. I won’t force anything out of you that you don’t feel ready to speak about. “ she tells him quietly, staying steady in their hug, not minding the prolonged contact. “ You don’t have to tell me every detail at all, let it come with time, I can be patient. “
Jax sniffles, bumping his head against her shoulder in acknowledgement of her words, seeming to not have the words to respond just yet. It faintly amuses her, the action feeling vaguely animalistic, but she’ll withhold her teases for another time, as she’s pretty confident there will be other times with them. Something just tells her there will be.
Jax mumbles something against her shoulder, and she gives a questioning hum, a gentle finger running down his back.
“ What was that, Jax? “ she asks curiously, feeling him shift his head against her shoulder, and his voice, barely above a whisper.
“ I–I almost abstracted today… “ he admits quietly, and Pomni couldn’t hide the fear that struck her heart, arms instinctually pulling him somehow closer to her chest, which he didn’t fight, sinking against her with a tremor. It felt like she was doused in a bucket of cold water, and Pomni had to remind herself to breathe, taking a staggering breath, filling her lungs to avoid the panic surging in her chest. Abstracted?
“ You—you almost… “
“ Yeah…it wouldn't be the first time I’ve gotten close, but that’s—that’s the closest I’ve gotten, and you—you snapped me out of it… “ he murmurs into her shoulder, and Pomni frowns, leaning her head against his. How had she snapped him out of it? When did this—
“ Oh. Your nap…? “ she questions quietly, and he hums in agreement, hands coming up to fiddle with the ends of her puffed sleeves. This wasn’t even the first time he’s gotten like this? This has happened multiple times? The thought shakes her, mind running at the different scenarios popping into her head, and she has to remind herself to not allow a spiral to happen, not right now.
“ Yep. I don’t—I don’t think I can sleep– “ a shuddering inhale “ tonight…doesn’t feel—safe. “ he explains between gasps, and she can feel his heart beat pick up more than it already was, a rough reminder of the situation pressing against her chest. The close abstraction is obviously fresh, weighing on him, and it just makes her heart *hurt. She shakes her head, willing the thoughts out of her head, burying her own face in his shoulder. She brings her hand up to rest on the back of his head, applying a gentle pressure. Whether that was to stabilize him or herself, she doesn’t know.
“ You won’t abstract Jax, we won’t let that happen to you. “ she mutters into his shoulder, and he has just enough attitude left to scoff, sniffling.
“ Don’t you get it? No one here—no one likes me, which is my own fault. I’m…I’m self aware enough for that. I don’t think they’d complain very much if I abstracted. “ he states simply, voice wavering, but gasps lessening. Maybe her comforting touch is helping, she’s hoping it is.
“ Jax…look, I’m not going to act like you haven’t been a total $@#%, but I don’t think anyone here would want you to actually abstract. I can say that I surely don’t. Yeah, I can’t speak for them, but you do know that you can actually try to be better, right? Everyone noticed your lack of…torturing lately, and they’ve seemed calmer. Maybe you can try and make an effort to change? It’s not like you can’t try and apologize, you know? “ she explains, and he huffs, shrugging gently, apprehensiveness clear in his body language.
“ I don’t know, I’ve never been good at apologies. And–and who’s to say they’ll accept it? What’s the point in trying to be better…? “ he questions, and Pomni shakes her head.
“ There’s no guarantee they’ll accept it, now or ever, but I think there’s a good chance as long as you put in the effort. I’m not saying you have to do that today, or even tomorrow, but sometime soon maybe. “ she suggests, and he hums, noncommittal.
“ Maybe. “ he mumbles, hooking his hands together behind her back. He sounds defeated, tired, but she takes what she can get out of him, relishing in the lack of hard, fast beating no longer pressing into her chest. Her own heart calms at the realization.
“ I’m glad you didn’t abstract, Jax. I’d be completely wrecked if you did. “ she admits to him, feeling him tense in response, and he heaves out a heavy sigh, pulling back from the hug, but allowing her hands to slide down his arms to hold his hands gently in her own.
Jax looks her over, tear tracks leaving a slight residue in his short fur, and he sniffles, shaking his head.
“ I didn’t…I didn’t mean what I said to you that day, none of it. I would care if you abstracted, and that——that scares me, I can’t…I can’t go through that again. I’m sorry. “ he admits quietly, looking off to the side, eyes still glassy, and Pomni squeezes his hands gently, shaking her head.
“ I know you didn’t mean it, and I appreciate the apology. Believe me, I don’t plan on abstracting, so you better not either. “ she smiles, rubbing a gentle thumb over his knuckles. “ Next step is apologizing to Ragatha for every time you’ve ever tortured her. “ she says with amusement, clear in her tone, and Jax frowns, huffing air from between his teeth.
“ Not there yet. “ he says, completely honestly, and Pomni’s tongue hits the roof of her mouth with a gentle ‘ tsk ‘. She knows there’s some sort of unspoken history between the two, just off of how they speak about one another, but that’s a story to ask about another day. She has a lot of questions for him, even regarding today, but she decided before she walked in here to wait until things were settled between them to ask, but she’s not going to bring that up just yet. Maybe after some rest.
“ Soon though, soon. Along with, well, everyone else. “ she states with a squint in his direction “ The “ funny one “ gets to have a redemption arc, if he puts in the effort, of course. “ she jokes, pulling her hands out of his own to quote him, relishing in the blush that flashes across his face, as well as the flash of disappointment she catches in the absence of her hands. He squints at her, a playful smile stretching across his face, gentler than his normal ones.
“ If I do decide to have a redemption arc, you better believe it’ll be a good one. It’ll get great ratings from the fans, believe me, I have that type of effect on people after all. “ he says, bravado leaking into his tone as he puffs his chest out, and Pomni snorts, nodding.
“ You sure do. “ she agrees, a sly look crossing her face as he hastily fumbles in his gratuitous act, staring at her with an unreadable expression. She hums, looking over him, taking note of the exhaustion reflected in his posture, ears drooping, blinks slow. She’s sure the stress of the day combined with the multiple anxiety and panic attacks he’s experienced have drained him, and she frowns in sympathy. She recalls his statement earlier, that he feels that he can’t sleep after his abstraction scare, and she can’t even blame him. She doesn’t think she’d be able to sleep either after an experience like that, and she doesn’t even know the details of what he experienced.
She thinks she has a potentially good idea that could help, but she’s not sure how many boundaries that may cross, especially with their only recently patched friendship. May as well ask him, what else has she got to lose?
“ You look exhausted, I know you said you’re scared to sleep, right? Would…would it help if I stayed? “ she asks carefully, scrutinizing his expression to properly gauge how he feels about it. He starts, confused, then his eyes widen in realization and he blinks a few times, a faint blush appearing across his face. That’s happened a few times today, and Pomni has to begrudgingly admit that it’s cute…that he’s cute, but she's not gonna tell him that, not today at least.
“ You can’t be serious. “ he says in a disbelieving tone, and Pomni watches his face shift in real time, wiping away his shock with a raised eyebrow and big smile. “ Well, Pom, if you wanted to get in my bed so badly, all you had to do was ask. “ he teases, leaning into her personal space, and Pomni frowns, feeling her face warm, shoving her hand in his face and pushing.
“ Not what I meant you @##, completely, totally platonic, sleeping together, that’s all. “ she explains, flustered, hands expressing her point chaotically. Jax’s expression softens, and he smiles, softer, looking away as he moves to lay back against his pillow, opening his quilt to allow Pomni to slip into the other side.
“ If you insist, Pom, I guess I’ll entertain your big request. “ he states simply, theatrical arrogance making a return as she rolls her eyes, sliding in comfortably. She snorts at the brief flash of surprise that crosses his face before being impressively covered up in a blink. She guesses that mask of his still has a few tricks left, and she hums, making it a goal to completely dismantle the traitorous thing.
It’s silent for a few moments, the only sounds being gentle rustles of bedsheets and their own breaths, and she hears his breath spike. Her hand finds his own quickly, squeezing it. A solid comfort in the darkness. She wishes they could remove their gloves, but this will do.
” I got you, I promise. You’ll be okay. “ she reassures, taking in his big pupils before he closes his eyes, taking a deep breath and exhaling, nodding. His eyes open back up, and he reaches his other hand over to grab his mug of now cold tea, taking a sip. Suddenly, he gets a weird look on his face and instantly spits it out back into the cup, turning to her with an incredulous look adorning his face.
“ YOU—YOU LIKE GREEN TEA? THAT'S DISGUSTING! “ he exclaims loudly, and Pomni feels personally offended, sitting up and wildly gesturing to her mug in his hands.
“ It is NOT? If ANYTHING is disgusting, it’s the fact that you spit that back out into MY cup instead of just dealing with it and swallowing. “ she exclaims back, disgust clear on her face as he dramatically gasps, gesturing in her face with the cup.
“ PLEASE, you should be honored to be graced with *my DNA in your cup, anyone with a brain would. “ he states with one more dramatic flair of the cup, a bit of the spit mixed tea splattering onto one of the pom-poms on her chest. Pomni growls, grabbing the mug and moving it in a split second, tackling the bunny with a yell of “ JAX! “, which was followed by the laughter of the rubber hose bunny, bouncing off the walls of his room.
Later, the two would calm down, quietly talking about meaningless things while curled up on their sides. The air felt lighter, an unspoken appreciation of Pomni’s presence clear on Jax’s face. As they drift off, Jax is safe from abstraction, comforted by the gentle presence of Pomni, who curls herself practically on top of them as they sleep, letting the events of the day fade away.
Until the next day, that is.