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Love is something Anxin had not truly known. At least, not until the day he saw him.
From the sharp lines of his face, the shine of his adorable smile, to the gracefulness of his dancing, his kind gestures — every part of him fills Anxin’s heart with warm fuzziness. Even the very moment he first met him, after a fateful encounter of Anxin landing flat on his butt and thinking an angel must have appeared to guide him to heaven, but no — it was just the love of his life!
He slams his hands onto the table, receiving a pointed look from the librarian.
“Hey, Sanghyeon-ah!” He takes a deep breath. “I have an announcement to make.”
Sanghyeon eyes him warily from where he sits across the table, a lollipop held absentmindedly in his mouth. His fingers pause from where they had been typing rapidly into his phone. “Wuh?”
”I’m in love!”
Sanghyeon takes the lollipop out of his mouth, the actual candy long gone from the paper stick, his tongue stained blue. “Which character?”
“No, dude, he’s real this time!”
“Then, which group?” He pops the soggy paper stick back in his mouth.
Anxin bites back a giggle. “What if I said… he goes to our school!”
“Have we seen him on campus before?”
“Perchance.”
Sanghyeon sits in contemplative silence for a
moment. Then, he jumps up with a snap of his fingers. “Yoo Kangmin!”
“Nope.”
“Chen Kaiwen?”
“Nope.”
“Oh! Oh! Xue Suren!”
“Also nope.” Anxin beams at the mere thought of his crush, his chest filling with fuzzy warmth. “Well, you might know him for his, heh, pretty breathtaking beauty, but… it’s Zhang Jiahao!”
Sanghyeon goes silent. The librarian glares and puts a finger to their lips.
He blinks, tilting his head as if it would help jog his memory, voice quieter this time. “Who…?”
“Come on, man…” Anxin crosses his arms. “Super pretty, super good at dancing, ten outta ten… doesn’t ring a bell?” Honestly, who couldn’t know Jiahao? He’s practically the campus celebrity with those insane visuals of his.
Raising an eyebrow, Sanghyeon takes the lollipop stick out of his mouth again, twirling it around his fingers instead. “Dude, you can’t just describe him as a ‘ten out of ten’ and expect me to know what he looks like.”
“Fine, fine!” He raises his hands in surrender. “I guess it’s not far off that you wouldn’t know him. He is a bit older, but…”
“By how much?
Anxin looks down at his untied shoelaces. “Well, he’s… uhm… a graduate student.”
“Graduate?” Sanghyeon’s voice raises as he physically recoils, grabbing onto his shirt like he’s been wounded. “Dude! We do not go there.”
“Hey, hey, we’re all adults here!”
“I turned eighteen two months ago.”
“Dude, trust me, he went to my elementary! We're chill!”
“Yeah, and he was like, what, a fifth grader when you were in first?” Sanghyeon’s frown deepens. “It just feels wrong.”
Anxin, being the mature adult he is, decides to brush off his snarky remarks to whip out a carefully arranged bouquet from his bag. “I’m confessing today and you’re gonna back me up as my wingman!” He pauses. “Actually, we might as well call Long-ge for this too!”
Ignoring Sanghyeon’s insistent protests and nags, as well as stares from other students in the library, Anxin gives Xinlong a call, to which the sophomore shortly joins the two of them as they make their way to where Anxin has skillfully determined Jiahao’s current class is.
They’re standing outside against the wall, Anxin’s intense gaze willing the door to open at any second, when Xinlong speaks up.
“Anxin, I don’t know about this…” He trails off as the door finally opens, people beginning to trickle out of the building.
Anxin searches each face for the same, beautiful features as Jiahao’s, until finally, he sets his eyes on the real deal – Jiahao in the flesh! He’s practiced for this very day for countless sleepless nights. It’s time to prove himself!
Sanghyeon’s hands fly to his head. “Bro, he’s so out of your league! What are you thinking?”
“Shh, a man can try.” Anxin takes a deep breath, handing the bouquet to an awfully dumbfounded Xinlong and pulling his flashcards out of his pocket for a quick review. “Hold this, I gotta review.”
Xinlong stares down the stack in Anxin’s hands, perplexed at the sight of such amazing preparation.
His heart pounds in his ears. “Phew. Yeah, yeah, okay, I got this…” Jiahao’s surrounded by about three of his friends, arms folded as he leans back against the wall looking effortlessly fashionable, as always. Anxin shoves the cards into Xinlong’s arms, trading him for the fancy bouquet. “It’s time, it’s time! I’m off!”
“Now?” Xinlong’s calls go unanswered, for Anxin is attending to much more pressing matters.
He plants his foot down, taking a step forward to make his way into their little circle. He clears his throat. Today’s the day he’ll woo Jiahao with his bold charms! He tucks the bouquet behind his back. “Ahem!”
Jiahao turns around, his hair falling in an elegant swoop across his face, a dashing smile beginning to form across his lips. He’s smiling, because of Anxin! Take that, Sanghyeon! Jiahao’s lips curl up pleasantly, eyes glittering. “What’s up, little guy?”
Anxin ignores the stares and the stifled giggle that one of Jiahao’s friends with black hair lets out, bringing his hand to the front to reveal the large bouquet, a beautiful (he tried to find one as pretty as Jiahao, but alas, he could only get so close) assortment of colorful flowers, tied with a red bow at the bottom (because boys give pink and men give red according to somewhere he’d read online).
“Hao-ge! I — I picked these out for you!”
“Aw, for me? That’s so sweet of you.” Ooh, Jiahao’s totally fallen for Anxin’s suave charms!
And, get this — Jiahao reaches out a slim hand to find Anxin’s head, gently ruffling his hair before taking the bouquet. He — He’s fixing his hair! Just like in the dramas! Hehehehehehehehe —
“Oh, these — there’s a lot of them…” A friend of Jiahao’s with blond hair comes over to help him carry them without letting them fall apart. Anxin had bundled together about two or three bouquets to create a huge one, because only one just wouldn’t cut it!
“Yeah, like… like the magnitude of your beauty!”
One of Jiahao’s friends with particularly thick eyebrows holds a hand over his mouth. Anxin preens. Oh yeah. Nailed it.
He readies himself and squares his shoulders. “I – ”
Hands grab his arms from either side, stopping him in his tracks. When he looks to see who has abruptly seized him and interrupted his plan, he’s met with the sight of his very own two wingmen rebelling against him.
“Oh, Xinlong-ah! What’s up?” The thick-eyebrowed friend greets him. Jiahao and the rest follow suit. Anxin whirls his head around in disbelief to Xinlong.
Xinlong bows politely in response. “Sorry, hyungs, we’ll get this guy out of your way.”
Wordlessly, he and Sanghyeon begin to drag Anxin away, leaving him to flail around in their grip. He’s able to somewhat wrench free from Sanghyeon, but Xinlong… his grip strength is really something else. Sanghyeon readjusts his grasp on his arm, to which Anxin cries out helplessly as he’s pulled away. “Augh! Nooooooooo!”
💕💐💕
Anxin finally manages to rip himself out from their grubby hands once they’ve made it a good distance away.
“What the heck, guys! Why are you sabotaging me!”
“We’re helping you, trust me.” Sanghyeon says.
Anxin ignores him, turning to Xinlong, the backstabber himself. “Long-ge! My left-hand man! Wh- Why didn’t you tell me?!”
Xinlong blinks at him like he has no idea what he’s talking about. “About what?”
“You know all those people!” Anxin cries.
“Does that… change anything…?”
“Uh, yes!” He collapses to his knees, aghast. “You know Jiahao-ge’s friend group and never thought to tell me!”
“But I only know them from Geonwoo-hyung.”
“Oh.” Anxin grimaces. “Right… that guy…”
“Come on, guys, he’s not that bad.” Seeing Sanghyeon’s equally disapproving glare, Xinlong sighs.
Kim Geonwoo, a senior at their university and Xinlong’s boyfriend of two years, is an academic weapon, a star basketball player, and quite possibly one of the most annoying people Anxin has ever spoken to. His stomach turns at the thought of that guy’s smug smirk. He’ll never understand what Xinlong sees in him.
“I don’t get why you’re so against our love! You’re literally with a senior two years older than you! That’s only one year younger than Jiahao-ge!” Anxin wags an accusatory finger at the traitor.
“And you’re one year younger than me.”
“Yeah! Basically the same age!”
Xinlong pauses like he’s genuinely considering Anxin’s logical explanation. That is, until Sanghyeon butts in, “No, hyung, don’t listen to him!”
Anxin scoffs, beginning to frantically gesture towards his own head. “Guys, he literally fixed my hair like in one of those K-dramas! We had a moment!”
“That looked more like he was giving you a head pat.” Sanghyeon frowns.
He refuses to believe it. His feelings are mutual! “No! No! That’s not it!” Anxin begins to roll on the floor in denial. “Noooooo!”
His friends exchange glances before attempting to wrestle him off the ground, to which Anxin stubbornly resists, only intensifying his efforts to mop the concrete with his body.
Xinlong tries to grab at Anxin, but he deftly dodges every swipe. “Anxin-ah, please, Jiahao-ge could see you like this…”
He gets up.
“Fine,” he admits, dusting himself off. “But you guys have to make it up to me for ruining my first confession.”
Sanghyeon balks. “What, are you gonna confess again?”
“Of course! Hao-ge deserves a proper one!”
“At least give him some time to think about it,” says Xinlong. “He might not have an answer right away.”
Anxin grumbles. “Okay, I’ll give him time, then… though I don’t really know what needs to be thought about…”
💕💐💕
And so, Plan B commences. After a few productive discussions with his rebellious wingmen, Anxin had come up with the genius plan of confessing to Jiahao, this time with more than three bouquets of flowers, since he must’ve been unhappy with the meagre amount he received last time!
Miraculously, being a grad student, Jiahao just happens to be a TA for one of Anxin’s classes. It’s fate, he knows it!
He’s practically vibrating in his seat at the sight of Jiahao in the front row. Every word from the lecture goes right through one ear and out the other. He likes to consider himself to be quite the disciplined student, but he finds his notes empty after spending the majority of the class staring at his crush.
Instead of leaving straight away, Anxin lingers behind until most of his classmates have dispersed before he approaches him.
“Hao-ge,” he calls, skillfully concealing his jitters.
Jiahao smiles fondly. “Hey, little bro. Thanks for the flowers the other week.”
Anxin’s knees shake. He scratches the back of his neck bashfully. “Oh, it’s nothing! But, uh, I was wondering if you would be free tomorrow at three to meet me at the park…?”
Jiahao makes a contemplative noise. “Three… Maybe? I’m not too sure. Why, did you have any questions about today’s lecture?
Technically, Anxin missed the entire lesson and should probably be making an effort to catch up, but he’s a man on a mission. “I have something important to tell you! Okay bye!”
He makes a dash for it, ramming face-first into the door on his way out. Being the nonchalant adult he is, he ignores the sting and tries to push the door open. It doesn’t work, as he belatedly realizes he’s supposed to pull. He hides his face with his hand as he scurries out of the room.
“Shit, I panicked,” he mumbles to himself.
Later that very day, he makes a run to the store to buy five boxes of chocolates and calls his minions to the park, Xinlong lugging along a dusty box of fairy lights and party supplies and Sanghyeon’s arms struggling to carry bouquets upon bouquets of red roses.
“I see none of you have abandoned the mission this time,” Anxin nods in approval. “Make haste! Our time is short!”
Sanghyeon snorts. “Why are you talking like that?”
“He’s nervous, let him be,” Xinlong says.
They spend the rest of the day stringing the lights along the little area Anxin picked out, decorating the benches and barren trees, lining up the roses to create a pathway for Jiahao to walk through.
Anxin puffs his chest out in pride. “When he gets here, I’ll stand right there and turn around with the chocolates while you guys come out from behind the trees and pull the party poppers, okay?”
By now, Sanghyeon and Xinlong’s protests have died out, intimidated by Anxin’s unbreakable resolve.
“Hey, is this legal?” Sanghyeon asks at some point. In Anxin’s professional opinion, the only il-legal thing they’re dealing with here is Jiahao’s beauty.
The day finally arrives, and Anxin makes sure he and his lackeys get to the park at 2:00 p.m. sharp, a whole hour early! So punctual, right?
They spend the hour sweeping leaves out of the pathway and adjusting the hanging lights and roses, until the clock on his phone hits three and Anxin shoos them away behind the trees, picking up his boxes of chocolates. “It’s time! Places, people, places!”
Hearing the faint sound of footsteps approaching, he gets into position, glancing over to make sure his wingmen are in proper formation. His phone, which he’s placed on a nearby bench, blares the most romantic song he could find – Born This Way by Lady Gaga herself!
The steps draw nearer. Anxin’s heart does a flip. Oh, if he knew how to do a backflip, he would right now. It would probably impress Jiahao too.
The footsteps come to a stop right behind him, and with the biggest grin on his face, he spins around and –
“Hao – eugh!” Anxin collapses in absolute horror as instead of the love of his life, freaking Kim Geonwoo stands before him.
“Wow, nice setup you got here,” the evil man says, hands in the pockets of his stupid plain jacket.
“Wh- What are you doing here? Get out! Get out! Leaveeee!” Anxin flails his hands and legs at him like he’s exorcising a vengeful spirit.
“Woah, man, don’t shoot the messenger.” Geonwoo puts his hands up in mock surrender. “Hao-hyung sent me instead to let you know he couldn’t make it, so yeah. I also came ‘cause I thought Xinlong-ie would be here?”
Xinlong peeks out from behind a tree. Geonwoo catches sight of him and sends him the sleaziest wink Anxin’s ever witnessed.
Anxin balls his fists and grits his teeth. “Ugh, gross! Leave me alone!”
Geonwoo shrugs, not even looking at Anxin as he smiles and makes a beeline towards Xinlong, slinging an arm around his shoulders. “Fine by me. Let’s get out of here, babe.”
“Augh!” Anxin sticks his fingers into his ears. “Stop that! Ew!”
He squeezes his eyes shut as the two lovebirds leave, Sanghyeon coming out from behind the tree to kneel over his fallen form. The song changes to Taylor Swift’s You Belong With Me, the upbeat instrumental picking up in mockery of his misery.
“Stupid, stupid Geonwoo…” He sniffles, thrashing a leg at a pile of dead leaves only for one to land on his face. Sanghyeon reaches out to brush it off.
“It was a good try,” Sanghyeon says.
Anxin blows a lock of hair out of his face, letting out a heavy sigh. “Thanks, dude.”
💕💐💕
He plans to mope about the failure of his grand plan all throughout the next day’s class, avoiding eye contact with Jiahao the whole lecture. But as he’s packing up to leave, the man himself comes up to him! It’s happening!
Jiahao stops him before he can leave, though Anxin would’ve frozen anyway just from the sight of him up close. “Hey, I have something to get to right now, but could we talk later? I’m sorry I couldn’t make it yesterday.”
“No! What? I mean, yes! That’s fine! Anytime!” He babbles.
They agree to meet up behind the lecture hall at five in the evening. If it were anyone else, Anxin would suspect they’re trying to sell him drugs, but hey, Anxin’s not complaining. Jiahao would make for one sexy drug dealer.
“Can’t wait!” Anxin squeals, backing up to leave.
Jiahao’s eyes widen. “Hold on!”
“Huh-? Ack!” Anxin yelps as the other grabs his wrist, pulling him to a stop. His heart thumps loudly in his chest as he gazes at the other, dazed. Could it be… a spontaneous confession?
“Watch where you’re going, Anxin-ah,” Jiahao chides him, nodding over at the lamppost he’d nearly run into.
Anxin’s hope fizzles out. “Oh… okay, will do.”
Jiahao cracks a grin, seemingly satisfied. “Alright, see you later.”
He perks right back up. “Yeah! See you!”
Anxin initially plans to spend the day waiting right outside the lecture hall so he’s guaranteed not to be late, but he’s dragged over by his friends to study together at the library. On any other day, he’d be spending his time here taking a nice nap, but he finds himself writhing in his seat the entire time. Anxin’s pretty sure the only one actually studying here is Xinlong anyway – Sanghyeon’s been tapping furiously at his phone screen since they got here and Anxin’s mind is elsewhere.
”Guys.” Anxin trembles with happiness. “You won’t believe what just happened.”
Xinlong looks up from where his nose is buried in a textbook. Sanghyeon bites his fingernail as he bounces his leg beneath the table, furrowing his eyebrows at whatever’s on his screen.
”Jiahao-ge grabbed my wrist!” Anxin beams. “I was about to leave when he just straight up pulled me back!” His blabbering trails off into a series of squeals as he kicks his feet. “I mean, technically I was about to run into a pole but still! The hand placement was crazy!”
Sanghyeon raises an eyebrow, eyes still trained on his phone. “Uh huh…”
“Not to mention we’re gonna meet up this evening! And he’ll respond to my confession! And we can go on dates afterwards and I’ll get him even bigger bouquets of flowers!” He giggles.
“That’s great, Anxin-ah,” Xinlong grins. “I’m sure he’ll give you a chance after all of that.”
Sanghyeon makes a dissatisfied grumble. “Sure he will.”
Anxin purses his lips, watching Sanghyeon’s gaze as it flits across the screen. “What are you even playing?”
Sanghyeon stiffens, clearing his throat. “I’m texting someone, actually.”
He leans out of his chair, nearly falling out to try and catch a glimpse of the other’s phone screen. “Who?”
Sanghyeon yanks his phone out of Anxin’s sight, only encouraging him further. Anxin sends him a knowing look.
“What? Why do you look like that?” Sanghyeon sweats.
“Is it someone special?” He drags out the last word, wiggling his eyebrows.
His suspicions are confirmed when the other yelps, “No! It’s not like that. You wouldn’t know him anyway.”
Anxin scoots his chair over to pointedly peer over his shoulder. “And why wouldn’t I?”
“Well, that’s because he’s, uh… not Korean.”
“Oh, is that so.” Anxin deadpans.
Sanghyeon splutters, ears flushing pink. “Wait — that’s not — ugh…”
Xinlong uncaps a highlighter, glancing up at the two. “Anxin-ah, it’s not like he’s gonna steal Jiahao-ge from you. Keep it down a little.” Then, to himself, “I doubt Sanghyeon-ie would go for someone that much older, anyway.”
Sanghyeon chokes on air.
At that, Anxin whips around, his chair nearly tipping over at the force of it. “Sanghyeon.”
“Whatever you’re thinking, that’s not it!”
“You little hypocrite! Who’s the lucky guy?”
“I just said that’s not it!”
Anxin swoops in to put him in a headlock, wrapping his arms around his neck. “See! See! What did I tell you!”
Sanghyeon makes a strangled noise, hand frantically tapping at his arm to release him. “I knew you were gonna make fun of me!”
“Aww, you’re turning all red!” Anxin laughs, cooing at the sight and moving to pinch the other’s cheek. Sanghyeon turns even redder.
“Guys,” Xinlong hisses.
The two pause in their squabbling to look up and see several pairs of eyes staring irritatedly at their table.
💕💐💕
They get kicked out of the library.
Heads bowed, Anxin and Sanghyeon trail after Xinlong like a pair of kicked puppies. “Sorry…” they murmur in unison.
Xinlong sighs. “It’s okay. I got most of my work done anyway, though I can’t say the same for you guys.” He glances up at the sky, which has already begun to darken. “Oh, it’s getting late. Speaking of which, Anxin-ah, didn’t you have that thing with Jiahao-ge?”
Anxin jumps, pulling out his phone to check the time. Only ten minutes until five! He can’t be late, not for what could quite possibly be the most important moment of his life!
He says a quick goodbye to his friends before charging across campus like a deranged bull, drawing strange looks from passersby. But Anxin couldn’t care less about their opinions — he’s got priorities, after all.
The lecture hall is the same as always, but there’s something different about it this evening. Anxin takes a deep inhale before the building. Yeah… that’s the smell of a budding romance. Love is in the air!
Jiahao waves once he spots Anxin approaching, an awkward smile appearing on his stunning face. He must be nervous, Anxin concludes. But alas, there’s no need to be nervous! Discreetly, Anxin swats at his own trembling knees.
“Thanks for coming,” Jiahao tells him.
“Course come of I’d — I mean — of course I’d come,” he replies smoothly.
Jiahao chuckles fondly, to which Anxin takes as a great sign. This is it! He’s gonna confess! Anxin can practically hear the wedding bells ringing!
Jiahao begins, “Well — ”
“I do!” Anxin blurts. “Oh, sorry, please continue.”
Jiahao pats the space beside him on the bench. Anxin gulps, making his way to take a seat. They’re so close in proximity, he could faint.
“So… tell me if I’m misunderstanding," Jiahao resumes, “but it seems like you have feelings for me?“
Anxin nods enthusiastically. “Yes!”
“Right.” Jiahao nods, biting at his lower lip. “Look, I really appreciate the sentiment, but… I can’t return your feelings.”
”I’m so glad you feel the same — huh?”
Anxin’s heart drops. He must’ve misheard. There’s no way his plan had failed! The bouquets alone should’ve been enough to knock the socks off of him!
Jiahao gives him an apologetic look. “You’re a sweet guy, Anxin-ah, but… I just can’t see you in that way.”
Anxin falls off the bench to his knees in utter disbelief. “B-But why? Is it — is it because I’m too young?”
Jiahao clears his throat awkwardly. “Well… you are quite a bit younger than me, but that’s not the only reason.”
Feeling his lower lip tremble, Anxin begins to splutter. “Then what is it? Am I too short? Is it my muscles? I can hit the gym! I have a membership!”
The older boy presses his lips into a thin line. “Anxin, I’m aroace.”
…
…Huh?
“I… I don’t get it.” Anxin says. “You’re… not Chinese? But that doesn’t matter to me! I still like you!”
Baffled, Jiahao replies slowly, “Uh, no, I am Chinese… I just don’t do romantic or, you know, those kinds of relationships.”
The world shatters. Anxin sinks to the floor with a mournful wail, curling himself into a ball. Oh, it’s so over… Sanghyeon was right…
“Anxin-ah, please don’t cry…” Jiahao winces, hovering his hands awkwardly in the air above the melted Anxin-puddle. “I’m sure you’ll find someone better. You’re only a freshman, after all.”
The words pierce Anxin like a knife to the heart. He writhes on the floor in agony to Jiahao’s alarm, encouraging the older boy to whip out his phone and dial a number.
“I… I don’t need an ambulance…” Anxin chokes out.
”I’m still gonna get you some help,” Jiahao insists, tapping against the screen before putting the phone on speaker mode.
The line picks up, and to Anxin’s horror, the voice answering is none other than freaking Kim Geonwoo.
Anxin hisses, skillfully rolling himself away from the evil man’s voice as Jiahao shuffles alongside him, sending him concerned glances along the way.
“Stop! Don’t follow me!” Tears stream down Anxin’s face as he tumbles across the floor. “Noooooo!”
“Geonwoo-yah, I sent my location, could you call Xinlong-ie and ask him to come over here? I have a club meeting to get to…” Jiahao says into the phone receiver.
Anxin babbles over whatever response Geonwoo says back, sticking his fingers into his ears for good measure. His mood is already ruined enough as is.
“Ah, he’s close by? That’s good…”
Jiahao briefly looks down at his watch, looking back at Anxin worriedly. Out of the corner of his eye, Anxin sees the older boy glancing around before perking up, raising an arm to wave at someone in the distance as he pockets his phone.
”Over here!” Jiahao calls out. With a look of relief, he bends down, the dying sunlight casting a halo over him. The ethereal sight sends Anxin further into despair. “Okay, I really have to go now, but I hope you can understand! I’ll see you around, Anxin-ah!”
And just like that, Jiahao leaves, taking Anxin’s shattered heart with him. Anxin rolls onto his stomach, blubbering pathetically into the floor as someone tries to grab at his arm to pull him up.
He shakes them off with a sob. “No… leave me… I just want to be alone…” The person still insists, trying to hoist him up by the shoulders instead. “Long-ge, go back to your stupid boyfriend… I don’t need your help…!”
”Hyung, get up already!”
Anxin cranes his neck up to see Sanghyeon crouching beside him. His sobbing intensifies as he pulls himself to sit up.
”Sanghyeon-ah…” He sniffs a glob of snot back up his nose.
“I know, I know.” Sanghyeon sighs, wrapping his arms around Anxin’s melted body. “Let it out, hyung. I’m here.”
Anxin buries his face into his friend’s shoulder, bawling loudly. And if he spends the rest of the day crying and blowing his nose into Sanghyeon’s shirt — well, that’s nobody’s business but his own.
Love is painful like that.