Work Text:
It was early morning when I woke up. The morning light was shining through the window blinders, eliminating some of the darkness there was in our hotel room. I had a hard time keeping my eyes open as I tried to adjust to the new found light peaking in. As I made myself sit up in bed, I looked over at the hotel alarm clock to see what time it was. The clock read 7:45am in bright red digits. I just groaned in frustration as I laid back down. There was no point in trying to go back to sleep now that there was daylight. I already had a hard enough time making myself go to sleep, especially recently.
Good sleep never came to me naturally, despite being so damn tired all the time. I always had to force myself to go to sleep for my early shifts at my crappy job at Toy Zone. Leaving Hatchetfield didn’t change any of that. In fact, it only became harder for me to get any decent sleep, considering my mind was often plagued by traumatizing memories and depressing thoughts.
Being forced to leave Hatchetfield, my home town, was harder than I thought it would be. For years, all I thought about was getting out of there with Hannah and Ethan, living our dream and making our way to California. Now that we’ve left though, I miss it more than anything.
Well… almost anything.
I didn’t wanna leave Ethan, I really didn’t, but me and Hannah didn’t have much of a choice. Those people from the roller-rink weren’t going to leave us alone anytime soon, and I didn’t want him caught up in our mess. Besides, Hannah is my responsibility, not his.
Writing that letter and leaving it for him, with no trace of us, was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. I could only imagine the look of distraught on his face as he read it, how heartbroken he would be, knowing he never even go to say goodbye to us. It tore me apart from the inside, but I had to do it. Knowing Ethan, he would probably try and stop me from leaving, or even try to convince me to let him come with us. I love him more than anything, expect Hannah, but I wasn’t about to let anything happen to him.
I laid in bed for about another few minutes, trying to get even just an ounce of rest. After tossing and turning for a while, I laid on my back and let out a huff of annoyance, accepting the fact that sleep wasn’t an option anymore. I threw the covers off me and sat up on the edge of my bed. I looked over at Hannah, who was still sleeping soundly. I smiled, happy that at least one of us was getting some good sleep. I hoped she would, especially considering what day it was.
Today was December 25th, Christmas Day. Usually a day of joy and rest. A day where friends and family would get together and spend time with one another.
But it didn’t felt like any of those things this year.
The Christmas season was pretty tough for me back home. Growing up, our mother, Pamela, never really cared for us and was often harsh towards us, so we never had good Christmases as kids. And given how busy and chaotic Toy Zone would become, I was often pretty stressed with work, so I barely had any good Christmases as a young adult. After moving out of our mom’s crappy trailer, and moving into an apartment with Ethan, Christmases started to become a bit better for me. A whole day of spending time with my two favorite people, with nothing to stress about, it was my personal heaven.
But obviously, Ethan isn’t here with us, and I highly doubt that Hannah wanted to celebrate Christmas this year. Can’t say that I blame her, cause I sure as hell didn’t. But despite that, I still wanted to do something special for her. Even though I never cared for the Christmas season, I knew Hannah loved it, despite how bad some years were.
I got off of the bed and headed towards the hotel bathroom, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes as I walked. I closed the door behind me, but didn’t lock it. It was only Hannah with me, so leaving it unlocked was never a big deal for me. I turned on the shower and touched the water to make sure it was hot enough, but not too hot. Once it was the right temperature, I undressed myself before stepping in. I directly stood under the hot water, letting it soak my hair and run down my entire body.
As I stood there and rinsed off my body, memories of the past began to flood my mind. More specifically, memories of Ethan. The way he always smiled at me, how he held me in his arms, how he always vowed to care for me and protect me, and the way he cared for Hannah like his own sibling. He truly was the perfect boyfriend…
And I took it all for granted.
The last memory I’ll ever have of him, is the look of guilt and panic on his face, begging for forgiveness, wanting to make things right with me, even though he didn’t really do anything wrong. I can still hear his last words to me, as clear as day, almost like I just recently heard them.
“I love you.”
And that’s when I broke down.
I fell down to my knees and began to sob loudly. I put my hands in my face to try and muffle my loud crying, making sure to try and not wake Hannah up. I hoped that the shower water would also drown out the sound of my crying. Even if it didn’t, I couldn’t help it.
I never really cried that much, since I kept most of my emotions bottled up, trying to be strong for Hannah and be the motherly figure that she needed. So when I did cry, it was like a volcanic eruption. All of those bottled emotions, ones of sadness, anger, and even happiness, all surfaced at once. It was to the point where I was almost inconsolable. Usually I had someone to help calm me down, but Hannah was obviously still asleep, and Ethan… well, you know.
I just sat there on the shower floor, crying my eyes out for what felt like days, as the warmth of the shower water continued to run onto and down my body. I tried taking deep breathes to try and calm myself down, only to be met with abrupt hiccuping. There was no point in trying to hold back my tears at this point, so I stopped trying and let myself sob. I brought my legs to my chest and put my head on my knees, curling up into a ball. I squeezed my eyes shut as I just let myself go and cry, gently rocking myself back and forth.
Usually once I started crying, I was an emotional wreck for the rest of the day, so any idea of being happy for Hannah on Christmas Day had quickly vanished. But that never mattered to me anyway. All that mattered to me was that Hannah was happy, and damn it, I was gonna try and make it a good Christmas for her.
After spending several minutes sobbing, I finally managed to take in some deep breathes and calm myself down some. I was still emotional, but at least now, I was somewhat stable. I finally got up from the shower floor and finished washing myself off. Soap, shampoo, conditioner, the basic washing essentials. I turned off the water and pulled the curtain back, before slowly stepping out. I grabbed a towel from the shelf and wrapped it around my vulnerable, wet body. As I was drying myself off, I looked at myself in the slightly foggy mirror. My eyes were all red and puffy from all the crying I just did. There was no hiding this from Hannah, even if I washed my face. I was never a very good liar, and she could read me pretty well, so it was only a matter of time before she clocked me. Despite that, I was willing to try and maintain my composure.
After I got dressed in my usual black shirt and sweatpants, I slowly and quietly opened the bathroom door. I peaked out into the room to see if Hannah was still asleep. To my relief, she was still in the same position that I left her in. As I walked out of the bathroom and slowly approached her bed, I began to get teared up as I watched her body move slightly up and down from her breathing, sleeping contently. It seemed like she would still be asleep for a while, which gave me time to decorate our room a little bit for Christmas. I wiped my tears away before I got to work on decorating.
On Christmas Eve, me and Hannah did some sightseeing around the town around where our hotel was. It was a decent sized town, with all your typical stores and restaurants like Target and Chick Fil A. We went and did a little shopping at Target for groceries and snacks, and that’s where I got some decorations. When Hannah was away from me getting some candy for me and her, I grabbed some decorations and put them in a plastic bag. Since Hannah was always with me, I couldn’t try and surprise her, but that didn’t mean I was gonna tell her what I was up to either. Every time she would ask what all the stuff was for, I would just tell her she’d have to wait and see. She would always respond with a grumble, to which I would just respond with a chuckle.
I quietly pulled out the bags full of Christmas decorations and began to take them out one by one. I got some snowflake banners, a ton of Christmas lights, a few Christmas themed stuffed animals, and a small Christmas tree that came with little ornaments. It wasn’t much, but it was better than nothing. I was gonna work with what I had to make this a good, or at the very least, decent Christmas for Hannah.
I spent the next hour carefully and quietly setting up the room. I hung the banners from the ceiling, I strung the lights along the walls and lamps, I placed the stuffed animals all around the room, and I put the Christmas tree on the small desk that was there and hung the ornaments on it. While she moved a little bit, Hannah somehow slept through all of my somewhat noisy decorating.
Lastly, I pulled out a sketchbook, some pens and legit colored pencils, and a cute little bow. I knew how much Hannah loved to draw, both as a hobby and as a way to decompress, so I figured she would like a new one to draw in. I put the book and the pens and pencils on my bed, and then slapped the bow on top of the book cover.
After I finished setting everything up, I looked around the room to admire my handy work. Even if it wasn’t the prettiest, I’m sure Hannah would appreciate the effort of making it feel like Christmas.
I looked over at Hannah, who was still out like a light. Part of me wanted to wake her up, but I figured it was a better idea to let her sleep as long as she could. Who knows when she’ll get good sleep like this again.
While I waited for Hannah to wake up, I sat at our little desk and scrolled through old pictures on my phone. Pictures of me and Hannah when we were younger, or of me and Ethan with big smiles plastered on our faces, or of all three of us gathered around our pitiful Christmas tree. I felt myself getting teary eyed and choked up the more I looked through them. I had to make myself stop looking at them before I had another break down.
I could only imagine what Ethan was doing this Christmas Day and what he was feeling for me. Was he still distraught? Was he angry at me? Was he spending Christmas with his family, or all alone? Did he even wanna celebrate Christmas? Did he miss me and Hannah? Did he understand why we had to leave? Did he still love me?
My mind continued to spiral further and further as I continued thinking about him. My heart ached as I couldn’t help but imagine him on Christmas Day without us, with that same look of pain and sadness I saw on him before we left. I took deep, shaky breaths as tears began to fall down my face, trying to compose myself. I gripped the edge of the desk with my hands like my life depended on it, trying to stabilize myself and ground myself back to reality.
As I was calming myself down, I heard movement coming from Hannah’s bed. I quickly turned around to see Hannah was beginning to stir from her sleep. I turned back around and wiped the tears from my face with my hands and arms. I had to put on a good face for Hannah. I didn’t want her Christmas to start with her older sister being a blubbering mess.
When I turned back around, I saw Hannah sitting up in bed, stretching her arms and letting out a long yawn. She was wearing the cute Christmas pajamas that I bought for her a few weeks ago. Her shirt was a solid green and her pants were red with green plaid. They looked really cute on her, though to be fair, everything looked cute on her. She rubbed the sleep out of her eyes before they landed on me. I gave the best smile I could towards her.
“Good morning, Banana, and Merry Christmas.” I said softly.
Hannah, still waking up, looked past me to see the little Christmas tree with all the cute ornaments. Her facial expression quickly changed. Her eyes widened with surprise and excitement and was grinning ear to ear. She began to look around the room and see the Christmas lights, the snowflake banners, and the stuffed animals.
“Woah…” Was all she could say.
My heart melted as I watched her look around the room with a look of joy on her face.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t do more, but I hope you like it.” I told her.
She looked back at me and her face started to slowly fall. Now that she was fully awake, she started taking more notice of my face. My face dropped some as well, knowing she could see something was wrong.
“Lexi, have you been crying?” She asked with concern in her voice.
That single question was enough to bring me to tears. I tried my best to hold my composure…
But it was no use.
As soon as I fell apart, I buried my hands in my face and sobbed loudly, feeling upset and ashamed. It hadn’t even been a minute, and I already ruined Hannah’s Christmas, and I hated myself for it. I hated myself for being so emotional today, of all days. I hated myself for not being able to do anything right for Hannah.
I hated myself for being a terrible sister.
Hannah has always looked up to me, and I’ve failed her time and time again.
I’m a terrible sister.
Suddenly, I felt a pair of arms wrap themselves around me and squeeze me tight. I removed my hands from my soaking, wet face and looked through the tears in my eyes to see Hannah wrapped around me.
“I’m here, Lexi.” She said quietly. “I’m right here.”
That only made me sob harder.
I slipped my arms out from between me and Hannah and wrapped them around her, holding on to her for dear life. I just continued to cry as I hugged my baby sister. I felt her rub my back up and down in an effort to comfort me. I heard her softly shushing me, trying to calm me down some.
“I-I’m-I’m… s-s-sor-” I tried getting out, but I cut myself off with a hiccuped sob.
“Shhh… Don’t say anything right now, okay?” Hannah told me. “Just let it all out. Cry as much as you want.”
I squeezed my eyes shut and nodded. I leaned my chin on Hannah’s shoulder and continued to sob hard. I slowly slid off of the desk chair and fell to the floor, with Hannah helping to lower me carefully. I embraced her as tight as I could without squeezing her too hard, as I just cried my eyes out.
Hannah didn’t say anything, she just continued to softly shush me and rub my back. She knew words weren’t what I needed right now, just her touch and comfort.
I don’t deserve her.
After a few minutes of harshly sobbing, I finally managed to calm myself down enough to regain some composure. I backed out of Hannah’s embrace, signifying to let go, to which she released me and backed out as well. I looked into her eyes, which were filled with compassion and concern, and just stared at her. She reached her hand out and wiped some of the tears off of my face. I took a deep breath through my nose and slowly exhaled out my mouth before trying to speak.
“I-I’m sorry…” Was all I said.
Hannah’s face fell with sadness at my words. “What are you sorry for?” She genuinely asked, with confusion in her tone.
I closed my eyes and gently shook my head before opening them again. “For being a terrible sister…” I told her as my voice began to crack.
Hannah was clearly taken aback. “What are you talking about?”
I felt myself getting choked up again as I tried to speak. I squeezed my eyes shut and put my hand on my head. I felt Hannah put her hand on my shoulder. I opened my eyes and looked up at her. She had an expression of sympathy on her face.
“Just take your time.” She told me softly.
I slightly nodded before taking a deep breath. I wiped away some of my tears as best I could, even though I knew it was pointless.
“I-I haven’t… I haven’t cared for you the way I should’ve.” I explained as I sobbed. “All of this … is my fault. We’re on the run because I’ve neglected you. I’ve been unable to provide for you, both then and now, because I’ve been so caught up in my own world, trying to make things better. If I had…” I swallowed and took a breath. “If I had given you the affection that you needed from me, none of this would’ve ever happened! You should be living a normal life, going to school and hanging out with your friends. Instead, you’re running away from home with your lame sister, because I don’t know how else to protect you! I’m your guardian, and I don’t even know how to protect you!” I let out a whimper before continuing. “And now, I can’t even give you a good Christmas, because we’re staying in a cramped hotel, far from home, with no one else to spend it with, and I’m an emotional wreck, because I can’t stop thinking about what I had and took for granted!!”
Any composure that I had left had crumbled, and I was a pitiful, inconsolable mess on the ground. I looked down at the floor and just let the tears fall down my already soaking, wet face as I sobbed and whimpered.
“I failed you, Hannah…” I said quietly, almost a whisper. “I’m a terrible sister…”
For a moment, there was nothing but silence, aside from my pitiful crying. I could only imagine what Hannah was thinking right now, what she was feeling.
“No you’re not.” Hannah finally spoke.
I looked up at her with shock and confusion. I was almost certain I heard that wrong. “Wh-What?”
Hannah just smiled. “You’re not a terrible sister, Lexi.” She assured me in a gentle tone. “You were stressed with your job and debts and exams, but that doesn’t mean you never cared for me. Everything that you’ve ever done, has always been for me. You left everything behind, including Ethan, just to protect me. That doesn’t sound like a terrible sister to me.”
Hannah grabbed my hands and pulled them in the middle between us, holding them in her own, firmly.
“You’re the best sister I could ever have,” She said compassionately. “And nothing will ever change that.”
My heart melted at her words as tears continued streaming down my face.
“Besides…” She continued. “I’m partially to blame for our situation. If I hadn’t-”
“No.” I cut her off before she could say anything else. “This is not your fault. You were just trying to help me.”
“Yeah, I know, but none of this probably would’ve happened if I wasn’t so stubborn and had just listened to Ethan and Webby.” She admitted.
I just shook my head. “Y-You don’t know that.”
Hannah just chuckled. “I could say the same to you.”
I couldn’t help but smile at her comment. She wasn’t wrong. We didn’t know for certain what would’ve happened if things played out differently, and maybe that was for the best.
“Well, I-I guess we’ll just take our share of the blame then.” I suggested.
She nodded at me as the two of us giggled at one another. I freed one of my hands from Hannah’s grasp and used it to cup her cheek.
“Thanks, Banana.” I said softly.
She just continued to smile. “Anytime, Lexi.”
I wiped my face off as best as I could, before carefully standing up from the floor. Hannah followed suit as she helped me stand up, still holding onto my one hand.
“I got you something.” I told her cheerfully.
She lit up like a Christmas Tree. “What is it?”
“It’s right behind you.” I said, gesturing to my bed.
She looked over at the bed and saw the sketchbook and the pens and colored pencils sitting there. She gasped excitedly as she went over and picked up the book. She carefully removed the bow from the cover and started flipping through it. I just happily watched her, tears still falling, as she observed her gift.
If the perfect creature ever existed, she was right in front of me.
She turned back and faced me with the biggest smile on her face. “Thank you, Lexi! I love it!” She said happily. She put the book back on the bed before she walked over and gave me a big hug, which I quickly accepted.
“You’re welcome, Banana.”
We stood there in each other’s embrace for a while before eventually letting go.
“I’m sorry for not being able to give you a better Christmas.” I said softly. “I know this isn’t exactly ideal.”
Hannah teared up a little and gave me a sympathetic smile. She grabbed my hands again and held them close between us.
“Lexi… All I need is you.” She said with a soothing tone. “I couldn’t ask for a better Christmas.”
Her words touched my heart and made me start bawling again. I pulled her into another hug and held her tightly. I felt her hug me back as I sobbed onto her shoulder. The two of us just stood there in the middle of the room, content in each other’s embrace, not wanting to let go anytime soon.
“Merry Christmas, Lexi.”
I really don’t deserve her…
But I’m so grateful that I have her.
“Merry Christmas, Hannah.”