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Gentle—the brother who had learned to play pretend was. His brothers knew the feeling. They knew the feeling of arms, softly being wrapped around them. No pressure. No squeeze. Only the soft and fuzzy feeling of love. All of his love, and it was only for them. Yet their father thinks he's weak. That he needs to grow, to lead. And he does. But Splinter doesn't see it; therefore there is no growth. It is there, of course. In his heart, long past the meditation and the training. Above his mission. It is there.
Again, Splinter believes that he should grow further. To become an excellent leader. To become a respectable role model. And his expectations grow louder as time passes. So the son will listen, but this time he will not grow. He will not grow because he is not angry. Anger grows a tree, a grandiose being. A father.
He is not a father. His brothers are not his children.
Anger was easy for Raphael. To open up was harder. Yet his belief stayed the same. A notion which would contaminate, but never spread far from. Instead of a tree, it is fire.
"You always do this! Running off like you're better than everyone!" he shouts, breathing heavy. Almost rabid. And his brother tries to call out to him. It doesn't seem to reach.
"No Leo— yknow what?! Just cause your Splinter's favorite doesn't mean we gotta listen to you all the time!" The words hurt to say, but he believes it. As long as he believes in his own words then the fire will burn. But belief will only take you so far.
This time, he tries to fight. To reach for the leader who stood in front of him. But arms held him back. His brothers'. They try to stop him. Try to stop the contamination. Yet it takes over, and he breaks through it. Frustration, feeding the fire.
His brothers yell. Shout as they try to prevent a mess from happening. Again. Anger is easy for Raphael. So he goes in for the punch. But fearless doesn't move, doesn't move his hands up to block the attack, doesn't even flinch. And this confuses him. It is confusing because father would have blocked the attack. Instead, there is a warmth.
This was not the warmth from the fire. Of jealousy. It was soft, and it didn't burn his mind. It didn't remind him of his temper, or his father. There are no claws hitting his shell to stop him. No yelling, no lesson. Just a pair of arms, wrapping around him. And it is just enough to make him feel guilty.
"I love you, Raph."
And the anger immediately disappeared. How could he have forgotten? This was his brother—his best friend. It wasn't a villain or an enemy. And he knew because Leo held him so softly that he might've bursted out into regretful tears right there in front of him. Alternatively, he manages to get out an almost-apology.
"I- I don't know what just came over me. It was stupid-"
The eldest let out a quiet laugh, repeating that it was fine and that it wasn't dumb. It was that sappy and gentle tone of voice which did it for him. The voice which made it easy to speak about his feelings out loud. But it was also embarrassing. He could sense his brothers staring at him. And he would deal with them later.
Perhaps belief died with love.
"Donnie, you need to go to sleep."
The scientist sighs, sparks flying from his work. "Not now Leo. It's really important that I finish this before our next mission."
"Come on Dee— it's been three days! Even if you do finish your project you definitely won't be able to fight." The leader's hand glides on the edge of the table. His finger lands on a sticky note. A list.
"I'll be fine. I've stayed awake for longer and-"
A crackle. Then a buzz. Then a wobbly sound of metal flying towards the elder. Who let out a cry in shock after being hit in the head. And maybe he was bleeding.. A little..?
"Shoot. Sorry Leo- I'll go get the first aid." Donatello shoots up from his chair, zooming towards the exit.
"Wait! Donnie!" Blue calls out, "Donnie!" Yet his brother was already out the door. How great. So great in fact—that he nearly shoved the fruit of his mind down his throat. Then swallowed. Don't worry, it was just a thought. And Donnie was like lightning to a book. Neither of these things match the other, yet still brought the eldest to a closed conclusion.
Lightning struck the book. Then the book was gone. Perhaps this notion was a side effect of getting hit in the head with a piece of metal. But he would try to understand it nonetheless. Although Donnie was already back with a medkit and an anxious expression. Perhaps that was it.
No matter how smart Donatello is, it would be cancelled out by anxiety. The ability to think without rationality. And fear fuels the mind. Lightning to a book. So the small thought had actually led to something. Also the mini "procedure" was finished.
A yawn escaped the genius. Followed by a notice of groggy eyes. Only before he placed the box on the table and slid back down into his chair, preparing to continue his work. "I don't want another piece of metal targeting you. Should probably go before that happens—" he advices, reaching for his equipment til it was pushed away from him.
It was a light demand, nothing loud. Nothing scolding. Only it was probably intended to be. "Please Dee. I promise you'll have time to work on this tomorrow," and he places a delicate hand on Donnie's shoulder, "Go to sleep." It was like a pillow. Gentle, fluffy. Who knew a simple touch could feel so.. delicate. Especially from a turtle.
And Donatello still denied sleep, no matter how tired he became. His machine had to be done. Finished. But his brother's caring tone, his grasp. It made him unsure. So the fear died down. As well as his energy. He yawned once more then struggled to keep his eyes open.
Yet if lightning were to strike a tree, would it stand proudly or break apart? Burst into flames, it would.
A mission would have been risky from the start. He knew this, and he let them go up anyways. And the enemy—oh the enemy was oh so strong. Too strong. They were still recovering, he made the wrong call. Now—
"MIKEY!" a bang, and a shout. Two bad things both at once. Then there was silence. But it wasn't the kind silence. It was harsh, and loud. A purple blur runs straight past the leader's eyes, red follows after, and then he himself runs to the youngest.
"Shoot—he's bleeding bad. Really bad!" Donatello shouts hesitantly, shaking as he rummaged through their things. Raphael stood as he watched in shock. Fear. Expected from lightning. It moves and it doesn't stop till it runs out of storm clouds.
The eldest rushed to his side, falling to his knees. And he held his brother without strength, only care. "Mikey," he called to him. "It's going to be okay." Yet even he didn't believe it, but he wanted to. So he kept repeating it, over and over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And it felt like there were branches sprouting out of him, each time he spoke.
"I..I know big bro," Mikey choked out, "D-don't worry-" a wince. Only because of the alcohol wipes Donnie ran across the wound. And Raph tightened his grip on fearless' shoulder. "Has a-anyone told you.. how gentle y-owe!" he averts his gaze from Leo to Donnie in the rush of pain.
And the scientist cringes. "Sorry Mikey—probably should've told you beforehand."
"Yeah Yeah! Well hurry it up before mr. worries-a-lot explodes," Raphael shouts, anxious rage coated his voice. "I can practically smell his concern right now."
"Don't! Rush me Raph. I need to concentrate!"
"Sure. Tell me when little Einstein's run out of blood, then we'll talk!"
Hope. A lotus. Which was Michelangelo.
"Shit—Leo!"
We can't lose our hope. Anything. Anything else– Please.
"DONNIE!"
The call was sharp. Louder than the silence. It made the air colder, pointier. Like needles. Sewing needles.
"It's done," Donatello reported as he shook, placing everything down onto the ground immediately. "We should get him back to the base."
And "fearless" could hear his red-clad brother ask, "He's safe to move right?" So he looked up to try to see them talk, but there was nothing. Just.. flowers. Plus the looming darkness, but that didn't matter right..?
He was strong. A tree. So he will stay strong. To protect the ones that may not be able to withstand the elements. To shield them from fire, and lightning. Or the muck of the muddy swamp. It was his job.
So gently, he carries Mikey home.
"Something's not right with fearless."
"You say that like it's new information Raph."
Raphael shakes his head, "No. I mean it this time. He hasn't come out of his room for weeks. Only to train or to go topside with us!" And he pauses, to think. "He hasn't even eaten breakfast with us in days!"
"Yeah dudes.. He doesn't even wanna watch Space Heroes with me," Mikey adds on, "And that's like his favorite show—ever!" flailing his arms around.
"Shut up Name-droid. The adults are talking." Raph pushes the youngest out of his reach. "He's been like this since Mikey's little accident—you don't think–"
"Raph. He probably just feels guilty. I'm sure he'll be fine in a couple more days," Donatello cuts him off, turning back towards his laptop.
"But it was a month ago!! There's clearly something really wrong if he feels bad about something ages ago!" Raph's voice coats itself with worry, "It wasn't even his fault..!"
"Look—If you're so worried that it might be something more than a case of guilt. Be my guest. Oh and reminder: He's done this before."
Raphael grumbled as he slowly backed away from the conversation. He totally believed that Donnie was going insane... or worse. Stupid. At least Mikey could back him up, probably help check up on their leader. Maybe he'd ask later. Not to prove Donnie wrong first or anything. Or probably just that.
With a couple of knocks he expected a response. But there was no reply. No noise either. "Leo? You in there..?" Silence. "Leo!" Still nothing. Was the door locked? Raph didn't bother with checking facts. Just jumped right onto it and slammed it straight to the floor. "Had no cho—What the shell!?"
"Duuuuuude... What's with the giant tree..?" A voice pops up from behind.
Raphael jumped in surprise. "Mikey!"
"You think Leo's been gardening without us knowing??"
A chuckle, "Yeah. And how would he get a tree into the base. Let alone care for it." The older turtle got closer to the plant. "There's no sun in here!" He turns to look at Mikey, who was picking up leaves from the ground. And then snatched a leaf from his hand which caused Michel to almost drop his new stash of leaflets.
"Not cool bro." The collector glares at Raph disapprovingly.
"Yeah well fearless ain't here." And there certainly wasn't any reason to collect leaves. "We gotta find him. Check the dojo." So what if Raph was worrying himself over nothing? It didn't mean anything. Definitely. But he walked out of the room while his mind ran marathons trying to figure out what was wrong. What this was.
A tree can't just.. grow out of nowhere. Especially somewhere where there's no sunlight. And it was massive- like it had been there for years. Years that they probably haven't even experienced. They've been in the eldest's room before—no trees then. So why? Why is there just a giant tree in the middle of his room.
"Why do you have... leaves?"
"You won't believe this..." Michelangelo begins, "There's a GIANT tree in Lee's room!"
Donnie rolls his eyes. "Right.. and there's also a zoo." Before getting sprinkled with the plant droppings.
...
"How is this even possible..? There's no sun—"
"Leo's not in the base!" Raphael pants, slamming on the doorframe with the side of his fist. And his brothers look at him with concern, almost confusion. "He's not here." He shakes his head. Was he scared? There were only three people in the room and it already felt claustrophobic.
"Are you sure? Maybe you missed—"
"He's NOT here Donnie!" he shouted, voice cracking. What did it take to get through to him? This wasn't rocket science. And Donatello's expression flashed with little fear. Better than nothing. Their brother was gone.
Donnie stumbled on his words. Only before he pushed his green-eyed brother out of the way. "I-I'll go check the trackers. It'll be good if we catch him not too far from the base if he's really missing." Mikey looked a bit nervous, studying both of his brother's behaviors. They both needed some sort of hope. Would he be able to provide it?
"Yeah. Great. Go do that." Raph sighed, looking up at the top of the tree. It really was kind of beautiful the more he looked at it. The addition of the natural green was a nice accent to the blue room. Made it pop.
And Mikey watched his brother admire the tree. It was a bit weird. But he wouldn't judge. Well not yet at least. Calm, could be what had entered the room. Maybe it was the tree. Trees are calming right? There was also a tree in the dojo. But that was different, that tree was always there. Plus there was a bit of sun shining down onto it, keeping it healthy.
"Hey bro," Mikey spoke, getting Raphael's attention, "We're gonna get Leo back. Promise." Then a thought occurred to him, a really odd one. "Unless our big bro decided to turn himself into a tree." That definitely caught Raph's attention.
He slammed a hand onto his face before he spoke, "Mikey. Either you're stupid or stupid." And he laughed for a second. A second filled with hope. Then Donatello entered the room, a lighter shade of green than usual. Raphael's eyes widened. Donnie spoke.
...
A liar. Leonardo was a liar. But he loved his family—more than himself. So he would tell himself that it would be okay. Even as his palms bled out into the soft white snow, Leonardo would be okay. His family would be okay. Everything would be okay.
Even as he screamed into the forming ice. He wanted to thank his father—for making him strong. Strong enough to protect them. Strong enough, that one day, when they are finally accepted by society, he will stand proudly with his brothers. Not scared. Not at all.
But he was a liar.
Leonardo didn't know he was going to die.
If he did he would've never grabbed onto the thorns. He would have never wasted time planting a tree he would never see again. But he didn't know. Even when the kind snow washes over his body, freezing his joints and leaving him lying on the ground. He still had hope.
But he knew that at this point he would be dead. Because nobody was coming. Because nobody could hear his broken screams or the gurgling noise which came from the blood trailing up his throat. Maybe that was good. Maybe he deserved it.
Perhaps he was the snow. The dark of the night was filled with noise, buzzing. Yet he cried. For the first time in years—he cried. And snowflakes screamed at his tears. A crackle, then a pinch. Then the snow was no longer kind. It was angry. Leo could do nothing but lay there and watch as it began to layer on top of him. As flowers bloomed over the blanket. It burned.
Then there was red, blurring together and coming closer and closer. It was familiar, and it was shouting. Too muffled. He couldn't hear. The closer it got, the more Leonardo envisioned. The more he choked on his own blood. A rose, with thorns. And it was calling his name. But all Leo knew how to do was apologize.
The voices were noticeable—in a way. They sounded like his brothers. It calmed him down. Rose vines wrapped around him, and it was gentle. So this is what it feels like..? He thought. A happy one. He was happy.
When he blinked, his brothers were there. But then they were flowers. And he was a tree.
Yet he wasn't a father.
His brothers were not his children.