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“So that’s what all this has been about, Eddie,” Steve spits the word like venom, sees the resulting sting on Dustin’s face, feels the same hurt twist his own gut.
Because Eddie’s gone.
He’s gone, and he isn’t coming back, and it should’ve been him.
It should’ve been Steve.
Dustin’s yelling at him. About Eddie, about how he hadn’t cared about what others thought, about him being the smartest and kindest person he’d ever met…
And Steve knows these things already. Remembers Eddie’s soft smile, gentle hands, the warm breath of his laugh dancing across Steve’s cheek. Remembers the way he’d stood up for what he believed in, the way he’d still managed to laugh in spite of everything, the way his hand had snuck into Steve’s and his lips had pressed against his.
The thing is…no one else had known the truth about Steve and Eddie.
Their relationship, if Steve could even call it that, had been new. Young. Tentative. Born out of shared trauma and the sheer need to feel alive in the face of impending doom.
But…but Steve had fallen hard in a short time.
And Eddie had died.
No one…no one knew how much it had destroyed Steve. How his bed had been empty, his house too quiet, how he’d kept that bloodied vest in the back of his wardrobe because it was all he had left of him.
“…he would’ve solved this in thirty seconds flat!” Dustin stabs the air with the Rubik’s cube Steve had been fiddling with just to keep his hands busy.
“Well if I’m such a goddamn idiot how come I’m the one still standing here?” Steve grits out.
He fucked up.
Knows it immediately.
Sees the shock, the hurt on Dustin’s face.
“I told you not to be heroes, I told both of you,” Steve adds hoarsely.
Don’t do anything stupid, don’t try and be heroes, he’d said. Eddie had smiled at him, for the last time, and Steve had trusted that he’d be ok, that he’d come back to him – or if not, that he’d be the one to give his life for his friends.
That was Steve’s job. Eddie had taken it, and left him alone.
Alone with his grieving best friend, his surrogate little brother who’d grown distant and bitter and lashed out at Steve’s every attempt to comfort him, swallowing back his own colossal hurt to do so.
“He saved my life! He saved everyone!” Dustin yells at him, face crumpling.
“He got himself killed!” Steve chokes on tears, clenches his jaw against them, hard. “Eddie made a dumb call, and he got himself killed.”
And he left me behind.
The words hurt. He can’t help it.
Eighteen months of hidden grief, of frustration, of loneliness and loss and guilt at the fact that it hadn’t been him spews to the surface as Dustin slams into him.
Over and over, Dustin hits him. With his fists, with anything he could get his hands on, yelling like a mad thing. Steve’s twice his size, but Dustin’s enraged.
“Stop it, stop it!” Steve tries to grab him, doesn’t want to hurt him but Dustin’s shoving him against the wall and Steve’s head cracks back against it and pain explodes behind his eyes.
Dustin goes limp with him, slumping down to the floor, tears cascading down his cheeks.
“I’m done, man,” Steve mutters, scrubbing a hand across his mouth, collecting tears and blood. “I’m done.”
He steps over Dustin. Leaves the kid trembling on the floor. Hates himself more and more with every step he takes away.
‘What’cha doing, sweetheart?’ Eddie’s words echo in his battered head. ‘What’s going on?’
Steve ignores him. Knows Eddie’s not here, knows it’s just some sick coping mechanism his brain had dredged up months ago.
He shoves the words away. Wipes the image of Eddie’s face, with his wide eyes and soft smile, from the forefront of his mind.
Find Dustin’s goddamn shield generator.
He can do that, he’ll keep doing that, keep himself busy, he can’t think about Eddie so much when he’s busy.
It works, until it doesn’t.
Until he’s trying to get to Nancy and Jonathan, until he and Dustin are facing a mass of melted metal and he’s grabbing a ladder to span the gap because he’s got to keep going, he’s got to keep moving, he’s got to get to his friends because he’s not letting anyone else die, he’s got to –
“No, don’t!” Dustin screams, grabbing him, and it’s enough, it’s enough for Steve to let himself be jerked away from the edge. Dustin clutches him, he’s crying, sobbing. “You always try to get yourself killed and I can’t let it happen again! If you go on there, you’re gonna die, and I can’t deal with it again!” There’s tears streaming down his cheeks. “Please, don’t let it happen again, not you, I’m sorry.”
Arms snake around his waist. Dustin holds onto him like a lifeline, and Steve’s hand falls to his head.
“No, no…” Steve murmurs, because he doesn’t intend to die, it’s just that if someone has to sacrifice themselves then it’s gotta be him, it’s got to.
‘It doesn’t,’ Eddie’s voice whispers to him. ‘He doesn’t need you to die for him.’
Dustin sniffs into Steve’s jacket. Steve holds him close, remembers walks on train tracks, Farrah Fawcett hairspray, a Russian bunker, long days at Family Video broken up by Dustin nattering away about his science fair projects and his D&D campaigns and his awesome new DM, thinks about this kid who’d become his best friend, his brother.
“I need you to live,” Dustin sobs. “Please, you need to.”
With a sickening clang, the ladder crashes through the gaping hole behind him. Falls down multiple levels, landing finally with a sickening metallic crunch.
That would’ve been him.
Had Dustin not grabbed him, begged him not to throw his life on the line again.
He pats Dustin’s back. Holds the kid close, waits while he gets his breath back.
“It’s alright man, just breathe, I’m here, ok?” he murmurs. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“I can’t lose you too,” Dustin whispers.
Steve sees it now. The sheer amount of pain Dustin’s in, the full weight of his grief.
Once again, he swallows his own back. Holds Dustin in that cold, alien place while the walls slowly drip and melt around them, until the boy pulls away a little, scrubs a hand across his face, and clenches his jaw.
“We find another way,” Dustin says, resolute.
Steve nods. “Yeah, ok, whatever you think’s best.”
Dustin lets him go. Pats his hand once against Steve’s shoulder, then turns away again.
He’s always turning away.
*****
It’s later. What feels like half an eternity later, in fact.
They’re back in the right side up. In The Squawk bunker, gearing up for the final fight, and Dustin’s handing a familiar spear over to Steve and it feels a little like an olive branch.
“Dustin…about some of the stuff I said earlier…” Steve clears his throat, feels the weight of the spear in his hand.
‘Tell him. Go on.’ Eddie’s in the corner of his mind again, practically a permanent resident there now. His eyes shine, his lips quirking in a smile.
Fuck, Steve wishes he could kiss him again.
“It’s fine, it’s ok.” Dustin tries to dismiss his words.
“No,” Steve cuts in, turns to face him. “Eddie, he saved your life. Our lives. Just…” he trails off.
“What?” Dustin asks, his tone not unkind.
“Doesn’t matter,” Steve mumbles, after a moment. “Just, sorry.”
‘Don’t do this, sweetheart.’
“It’s fine, like I said,” Dustin repeats.
In Steve’s mind, Eddie’s face falls, just a little.
It’s enough to have him reaching for Dustin, snagging his sleeve, stopping the kid on his way out the door.
They might die tonight.
He might not get another chance.
“It should’ve been me,” Steve whispers, his voice cracking.
Dustin freezes. Stares at him, eyes wide. “What do you mean?”
“In the Upside Down,” Steve continues, avoiding his eye. “I should’ve stayed with you. Distracted the bats. If anyone was going to sacrifice themselves, it should’ve been me.” Dustin’s shaking his head, trying to speak, but Steve cuts him off. “No, just…just listen for once, ok? You said it yourself, Eddie was kind, and he was smart, and you all needed him. If he was still around, I guarantee he would’ve already thought up some plan to defeat Vecna, or he at least would’ve understood all this…stuff you guys all come up with, instead of just following you around like some dumbass and being a selfish dick -”
“Steve -”
“I miss him. So much. More than you know. And I’ve been so goddamn angry because I couldn’t talk to anyone about it because no one understands.”
“I do,” Dustin chokes out. “I understand.”
“No, you…” Steve stops, collects himself. Takes a shaky breath. “I know what he meant to you. And how hard it’s been for you, I…I get that now. But the way I miss him, it’s…different.”
Dustin frowns. Takes a step closer to Steve. “How?”
“I loved him,” Steve whispers, eyes on the floor. “And no one knew, only him, because I was too goddamn scared to tell anyone at the time, because I was worried what people would think and I was so stupid, I wasted the little time I had with him being fucking scared of other peoples’ opinions -” His words get stuck in his throat, and he crumples.
Dustin grabs him. Holds him up, and Steve’s fists curl into Dustin’s ghillie, his breath coming out in harsh sobs.
“I loved him and I let him die, I knew he’d do something stupid if it meant protecting you and I still let it happen and it should’ve been me,” Steve pants out, tears soaking Dustin’s shirt.
“No.” Dustin’s crying too, Steve can feel his shoulders trembling. “I loved Eddie. He was my friend, and I’ll miss him until I die, but you’re my brother.”
“I was so angry.” Steve’s voice hitches, his knees aching from the cold hard ground. “I miss him so much but I couldn’t talk about it because everyone thought I didn’t really know him but I did. And with you and me, things were different, and I really missed you too, I missed my best friend.”
“I missed my best friend too,” Dustin tells him, clinging to him. “And…and I’m sorry. I didn’t know. Because I never asked how you were, I was so caught up in my own shit.”
Steve shakes his head. “Not your fault.”
He feels the ghost of a hand on his cheek. Warm, familiar, the brief feeling of rings against his flushed skin.
“I can’t lose you,” Dustin continues. “I won’t.”
For a long moment, they sit there. Just the two of them, Eddie’s spear lying on the floor where Steve had dropped it. Steve cries, and Dustin rubs his back, their usual roles reversed and normally Steve would be embarrassed, would be ashamed that he needed someone to take care of him but Dustin’s his brother, and he needed this like oxygen.
“Silver lining,” Dustin says eventually, pulling back slightly to smile weakly at Steve. “If this plan fails, we both go down.”
“You die I die,” Steve replies, remembers the echo of those same words from years ago, from the same kid slumped opposite him now.
“You die I die,” Dustin repeats immediately. He stands, offers a hand to Steve.
He takes it. Lets himself be hauled to his feet, ruffles Dustin’s hair under his cap, smiles as Dustin huffs out a half-hearted complaint.
Together, they pick up their spears and head for the door, brothers in arms.
‘You got this, sweetheart.’ Eddie’s voice fades from Steve’s mind, leaving with the trace of fingertips on his cheek.
For a moment, Steve closes his eyes.
‘Goodbye,’ he thinks, his heart stuttering on renewed loss, on a second parting from the man he loved.
He opens his eyes again. Squares his shoulders, and heads out of the room to face whatever awaits them.
For the first time in a long time, he doesn’t feel so alone.