Chapter Text
Joel let out a sigh as he realized he wasn’t nearly as close to Jimmy as he used to be. As close as they were even just a year ago. It made sense to him why, a lot can and has changed in that one year. As much as he hated how his relationship with Grian had reduced his close almost brother-like bond with Jimmy to better acquaintances, there wasn’t much he could do about it. It wasn’t his choice to begin with. He couldn’t help, but stick up for his boyfriend when Jimmy was acting irrationally out of desperation and misplaced good intention. He hated how overtime it became almost a choice between Grian and Jimmy. He tried his hardest to stay on both of their sides, to help them both get closer, but the more they drifted away Joel no longer could hold onto the both of them. Not when the choice was between losing his decade long friendship or his relationship with the man he wanted to marry someday
It started out innocent enough, to the point Joel didn’t even realize just how little he knew about Jimmy’s private life. They had sat down to do a live-streamed q&a for Jimmy’s YouTube channel -well all of their shared YouTube channel at this point as it wouldn’t be the same if even one person dropped out-, Paranormal Traffic. The q&a was a Christmas special, they hadn’t done one in a while and most of the questions were focused on the holiday. They were asked about plans, gifts, traditions, dishes and all festivities with a few people asking more general questions as well. Jimmy was asked about if he’d spend some time with anyone outside of family and the paranormal traffic crew and he hesitantly said yes, his face getting a good few shades redder. Joel smiled to himself, assuming Jimmy finally managed to successfully ask Tango out on a date. He even felt proud of Jimmy for it, he remembered the blond always having issues initiating in romantic settings
He felt a bit bad doing the live show though. It felt fabricated, like he was asked to act and put on a facade. Play best friends with everyone in the festive spirit. Truth was, which they all tried to hide from the audience, that they weren’t all that close anymore as a group. They even started taking two separate cars to filming locations, no longer all going as a tight knit group. And while he was still close with Lizzie and Oli, he hated how they were walking on eggshells around him, Grian and Jimmy. He hated how the whole tension between the brothers and by proxy Joel made Grian draw back from the group, no longer as open to Oli and Lizzie as before. While most members were still close to each other, they didn’t have the same group connection as before
The illusion broke after the q&a was over and they were winding down. Some of them were still talking between themselves, others were packing up either the equipment or the decorations. Joel walked up to Lizzie, who was joking around with a flustered Jimmy after that particular question, alluding to him going on a date. He patted Lizzie’s shoulder with a proud smile before his eyes landed on Jimmy packing the camera
“Did Jim finally score a date with Tango?”
Lizzie stopped putting away her handmade felt garland and turned to look at Joel over her shoulder with raised eyebrows, like she was surprised
“Tango? Oh, no, he’s going out with-“
It was like she had to stop herself from saying a name outloud and she suddenly stopped. She averted her eyes and she sounded a lot more awkward with a slight shameful blush on her face, like she just told a secret. Joel first raised his eyebrows at Lizzie stumbling over her words, trying to come up with something, then furrowed them when she ended up just apologetically smiling at him
“Just forget it”
It wasn’t even Lizzie’s unwillingness to tell Joel that upset him. What upset him and left him scratching his head was how 1) the last information he had about Jimmy’s love life was that he was into Tango, 2) Jimmy hasn’t told him about any new love interest on his radar and 3) it was supposedly a secret from him. He wondered for a brief second if he should just ask Jimmy himself about it or if he should just let it go. Jim wasn’t his best friend anymore, they weren’t close enough to talk about deeply personal things anymore and Jimmy had every right to keep who he was dating to himself and a few close friends. But it bothered him. He didn’t necessarily care about the person, if anything he wanted to join in on the happiness of Jim finally dating again. He even thought it’d be good for him, distract him from solely focusing on fixing his brother’s mistake. But that brought on another concerning thought, if this was an outsider Jimmy trusted, he’d tell them about Grian. But that aside, what really bothered him was how secretive this all was. How awkward Lizzie got at the question. So he decided to just ask
“Yo Jim. Who’s the lucky person you’re going out with? I heard it wasn’t Tango after all. What’s up with him anyways?”
He tried to play it all cool and collected, hiding how bothered he was. He has been doing it all evening after all, playing a character that didn’t necessarily reflect his true feelings. While him and Grian weren’t as careful anymore during filming, they still haven’t made their relationship public yet. They still had to play up arguing and play fighting on camera, acting like they had no romantic ties to each other. He knew majority of the audience already knew, but it was still a safety blanket for Grian, who was the most private person he has ever known. He also played up his amazing close friendship with Jim on the camera, not even realizing just how far they have drifted from each other
Joel kept the same casual smile when Jimmy suddenly stopped at the question and stared in front of himself for a good minute, like his mind was in full panic mode and he needed to find some excuse. Joel knew the look on his face all too well, he knew when Jimmy tried to hide something and acted like he was caught red handed when asked about it. Jimmy put on a forced smile and turned to Joel before shrugging, his face getting redder. Joel wasn’t sure if the blush was from the thought of the date or the embarrassment
“Ah, just a friend. It’s uh, nothing serious”
Joel had to stop himself from pulling a face and squinting his eyes at the man in front of him. He just nodded
“A friend, huh? Well if it’s nothing serious, what’s the harm in telling me?”
All of his suspicions were confirmed when Jimmy looked at him with a pleading expression. This wasn’t just a them not being close enough to tell private stuff situation, this was indeed a secret kept from Joel. And he hated that, he knew if he couldn’t get it out of Jim tonight, it’d keep him up. He was taking this a lot more personally than he should have, but in his mind this was indeed personal. He had no idea who it could be that no one would want to tell him. It’s not like he had any steak in any of this, he was in a happy relationship which wasn’t threatened by his boyfriend’s brother dating someone. Jimmy looked at Joel for a while before he sighed and turned back to his camera
“It’s Scott. I’m going out with Scott”
Joel’s face dropped at that name. His eyes got wide and he felt rage boiling under his skin. Jimmy couldn’t even look at him as he said it. Joel pulled his lips into a tight line, nodded and spun around to look for Grian. Of course it was fucking Scott. Oh how he hated that man with every nerve in his body. He grabbed Grian’s arm as the other was helping Lizzie take down the decorations and started dragging him away
“Hey! What are you doing?!”
“We’re either leaving now or you’ll go with your brother”
They looked at each other for a few seconds, glare meeting concern and confusion before Grian sighed and nodded. He briefly turned to say goodbye to Lizzie, who was looking at Joel with an apologetic and sympathetic expression, but the other was glaring in front of himself at the door. Grian was beyond confused as he let himself get dragged to Joel’s car, Joel’s stomping was hard to keep up with and he didn’t get the opportunity to even ask what was going on. Because he already knew something had happened that at least Lizzie also knew about that he wasn’t privy to for some reason. When they were finally on the road, Grian insinctly held onto the safety handle over the window as Joel had this awful tendency to drive faster than he should when he was especially upset
“What’s going on? What’s wrong?”
Grian bit his lip and let out a frustrated sigh as the silence stretched on after his question. Joel just kept staring at the road in front of them, his knuckles turning white from how tightly he was holding onto the steering wheel
As much as he hated to admit, he still wasn’t entirely over Scott. Not romantically speaking, he wouldn’t want to get together with the man and he was very much in love with someone else he wouldn’t want to leave. But he wasn’t over how awful he felt after his situationship with Scott fell through. He wasn’t over the heartbreak he felt when Scott rejected him that September night many years ago. He still wasn’t over the fact that back then he was in love with Scott while Scott saw him as nothing, but a summer fling. And he knew it was years ago and everyone changes, especially during their early adulthood, but he kept replaying in his head how Scott told him he wasn’t interested in anything serious. Was he now or was Jimmy just a fling then? And while he logically knew he shouldn’t be upset with Jimmy for dating his ex situationship after such a long time, it still felt like a personal betrayal. It was already a betrayal to him that Jimmy stayed in touch with Scott after how he broke Joel’s heart, but this was the cherry on top of it all
He also supposed he wouldn’t have been so upset had he not been unexpectedly seeing Scott biweekly for a while now. The first time he saw him at Cleo’s support group session, he freaked out, ended up cussing out everyone and storming out of the cottage. It has been hard for him to even pretend to be friendly with Scott since, the most he could do was be passive aggressive
What made his hatred for Scott even worse was how after telling Grian all about their past and the negative feelings seeing the man again brought up in him, Grian seemed to completely misunderstand him. They were in a rough spot for a few days, both of them upset with each other before they made up, but Grian has kept a small distance for a lot longer, which made Joel blame Scott once again. Not only did Scott break his heart years ago, but now “he” was putting his relationship in jeopardy with his mere existence
Scott was blameless in all of it of course, Joel’s inability to get over big emotional pain and let go of grudges and Grian’s intense jealousy and insecurity in the end have absolutely nothing to do with Scott. He could be replaced with any other man and the end result would be the same
After Grian kept nagging Joel to tell him what was he getting so worked up over, without thinking and just letting his emotions take over, Joel finally blurted out as his frustration was reaching its boiling point
“Jim’s dating Scott!”
He didn’t mean to yell, but he couldn’t think straight or control himself. As he was all up in his own feelings, mulling over why Jimmy was better than him, what Jimmy had that he didn’t years ago when he didn’t even want to see Scott ever again. He still couldn’t help the comparisons and the self hatred. And he didn’t notice Grian freezing up and the light purple flickering in his eyes. He didn’t notice the heavy silence that followed after. He didn’t notice Grian not even saying anything when Joel dropped him off at his own place
Only hours later, after Joel had calmed down in the company of a few too many cigarettes and whiskey, when he was laying in bed ready to go to sleep at 2 am did he realize just how badly he fucked up. And as soon as he did, his hand was immediately on his chest, over his symbol and he breathed out the god’s name in a panic he hadn’t felt in a while, desperately hoping he could explain himself to at least his beloved Birdie that same night. Birdie was a better listener and he doubted Grian would pick up his phone or open his door this time at night after he acted like a spiteful jealous ex
He let out a sigh of relief when he woke up in Birdie’s realm hours later, even though the air felt repressive. The realm was darker than usual, now sporting a darker shade of purple instead of the almost white pastel purple Joel was used to. Oh so he really fucked up, Birdie was upset. Which meant Grian was upset and Joel’s head spun from guilt. He just needed time to blow off steam, it didn’t mean anything other than anger at both Scott and Jimmy for different reasons. And he knew both Birdie and Grian, he knew just how jealous both could get
“You called?”
Joel spun around, looking for the source of the voice, but saw no one. Birdie was making him find him, but this time around he wasn’t giving him hints. Usually Joel always knew where to go, but not this time. He also gulped at the tone of the voice, he could hear the condescension and the concealed anger. So he just started walked in one direction, not sure which or if it was even the right one
“I did! I wanted to apologize and explain myself”
At that he heard loud laughter, the sky around him getting a shade darker. He sighed and couldn’t help, but feel the tiniest bit annoyed. This was their usual memo, Joel got upset which upset Grian or Birdie and he had to apologize to the both of them while putting aside his own feelings. He just wished sometimes he’d be taken more into account and Grian’s intense emotions wouldn’t overshadow his
“For what exactly?”
A taunt as Joel picked up his pace, now jogging in his chosen direction. He didn’t want to have this conversation with a voice, he wanted Birdie to see him, see his body language and expressions
“Let me see you and I’ll tell you”
He cursed himself when all that was heard was another laugh. Another taunt, another condescension. He knew the god was playing with him, like it was a reward to see him that Joel hadn’t earned yet. Or maybe a right he lost. He felt exhausted, he just wanted things to be okay between them, for them to be happy and unbothered instead of this unnecessary conflict over an overreaction
“You want to tell it to my face how I’m just a placeholder? How you’d leave me for him if he’d give you the chance? That’s why you got so upset when you heard Tim was dating him now, right? That you’re stuck with me!”
Joel had to stop at the end of Birdie’s increasingly angrier rant and cover his ears as he slightly cowered. It felt like the god was screaming directly into his ear and it was too much, the intensity made his head hurt. The sky had gotten darker as well, but Joel didn’t notice with his eyes tightly shut. He stayed like that for a while before he hesitantly put his hands down, panting like he had just ran a sprint. The air felt denser, his head was spinning and he could barely keep his eyes focused
“Say it to my face then, Joel”
The voice was quieter again, but it was sharp and cold. It felt like a dagger into Joel’s soul. His symbol was burning especially badly under his shirt. He hated how Birdie had it all confused, non of what he said was true or even close to reality. He had to stop himself from slightly judging a god for being so irrational with his conclusions and remind himself these are Grian’s intensified fears and thoughts, not a wise divine being’s rationale. But it was hard to think. He had no idea what Birdie was doing, but it was having an especially unpleasant and negative affect on Joel
When he looked up, he couldn’t help, but jump back, almost falling backwards. In front of him was Birdie -no, Xelqua- in a form Joel had never seen before. He looked like a beast, no longer even remotely resembling Grian or a human for that matter. Xelqua towered over Joel with large wings spread out, his feathers glowing against the dark sky around them. His purple was now almost blue rather than its usual warmer light purple
“I-“
This was the first time Joel felt genuine fear towards the god. His heart was racing and he was staring at his non-human face with wide eyes. He felt like he was running out of oxygen, his breathing has gotten especially bad. Xelqua leaned closer to Joel, tilting his big head to the side and Joel felt like he was going to either eat him or burn him with his glare. But despite the form, this was the same Grian he fell in love with, his same beloved Birdie. And he couldn’t help, but still find him beautiful, as terrifying he looked
“Speak then since you wanted to see me so bad”
That big initial burst of anger was gone and Xelqua was back to taunting Joel, seemingly enjoying the reaction he got from the other. While Joel couldn’t see a mouth from wings covering it, all he could do was picture a wide Cheshire smile. He let out a large breath as he tried to ground himself, suddenly feeling like more was hanging on him explaining himself correctly
“Listen, I didn’t mean to make you, either of you, feel like that. That’s really not what’s going on. Please let me explain my reaction”
He still felt rage radiating from the god in front of him, but this time no taunt came. Xelqua sat down on his hind legs and tilted his head to the other side
“You’re granted the permission to do so. Just know you can’t lie to me, I’ll know”
Joel nodded and mumbled a thank you as he tried to get his thoughts together. He felt like he couldn’t grab onto one single thought, they all swam out of his hands as he tried to grab onto them. He briefly remembered Grian telling him Xelqua’s main power was reality bending, which usually caused a lot of confusion and fogginess in his targets. He hated how this was now used on him as well, though he didn’t know how intentional that was
“I don’t love Scott anymore. I don’t want him back. If he offered I’d laugh in his face. I’m angry with him, not in love. I love you and only you”
Those were the main things he managed to get out. Those were what he was feeling the strongest. And it was the truth, he felt like he couldn’t lie even if he wanted to. He didn’t have the mental capacity. They stayed silent for a while before Xelqua finally reacted. He nodded
“Then why did you act like that?”
The air felt slightly lighter and Joel felt like he could breathe better. His head was slowly starting to clear out somewhat as well. He let out a sigh of relief, he no longer felt like his life was in danger and as he looked around, the sky got a bit lighter as well
“Because I’m still angry at him. He was my first love after I came out, the first man I ever loved like that and he threw me and my feelings away. I was still so young as well. It hurt and you know I hold grudges. I was also angry at Jim because it felt like he betrayed me. He went and got all cozy and lovey dovey with the guy he knows broke my heart. You know how they say good friends don’t date each other’s exes”
The more he talked the easier it was to think. He was mostly rambling, but he was grateful Xelqua was hearing him out. The god let out a snort and stood up on all fours again, starting to circle around Joel, not taking his eyes off of him. Joel gulped again, the motion made him feel like he was a prey, like he was being hunted and determined whether he was good enough to eat
“You know how good boyfriends don’t humiliate their partners, right? They don’t make them go through heartbreak and feeling like they aren’t enough. Like they are simply the second option since number one wasn’t available. Good boyfriends don’t make their partners feel like shit. I gave you my protection, my own symbol and this is how you repay me?”
Xelqua’s voice got increasingly louder again to the point Joel had to cover his ears again to no avail. It was like Xelqua was yelling at him straight inside his mind with nowhere to run from it. The god sat in front of Joel again and was basically hissing at him, obviously livid. Joel had to stop for a moment and think, he never thought of Grian as a placeholder, he wouldn’t have fought for him for such a long time if he did. He also didn’t see how any of his reaction was humiliating for Grian, it was humiliating for him if anything with how he couldn’t control his emotions over a past situationship. He was getting frustrated though, Xelqua was making it all about himself again without taking Joel’s feelings into account. Sometimes he felt like he wasn’t allowed to have any negative feelings without Grian taking it personally
“Listen, I’m sorry, but I’m allowed to be upset and angry too without you taking it this personally. Me getting angry wasn’t meant to humiliate you or break your heart”
He didn’t mean to argue with a god. He was supposed to be afraid of such a divine entity and to a point he was, but not enough not to stand up for himself. He felt the brain fog returning and it was hard to breathe and stand upright again. He was getting lightheaded and his head was spinning again. He kept repeating it in his head that he was allowed to have his emotions just as much as Grian or Xelqua did like a mantra. He didn’t want to back down
“And your anger justifies you hurting me? If I’m not allowed to take your reaction personally, you shouldn’t take my brother dating Scott personally either”
Xelqua’s voice was back down again, he talked with the same condescending and cold tone as before. And Joel could take being indirectly called a hypocrite, Xelqua had a point. The god had the same right to take impersonal things personally the same way he did. Didn’t make either of them in the right though and Joel was starting to realize they were going in circles and they both were too deep in their own emotions for this conversation to be healthy or productive
“No, but I’m allowed to have my own grievances. And you’re right, them dating has nothing to do with me. I just needed to calm down. But me being upset didn’t justify me hurting you. Just please, let me be upset too sometimes, I want to be sometimes comforted as well, not always do the comforting. I don’t want to walk on eggshells around either of you”
Joel was starting to feel desperate, defeated and emotionally exhausted. He just wanted things to be okay, he just wanted to love and be loved without the conflicts. He gave up standing with his legs growing heavier and heavier as he plopped down on the ground. His entire body ached like he had a bad fever and he felt his eyes were burning. There was a heavy silence that hung between them for a while and Joel just stared at his palms, not having the energy to look up at the god. He let out a gasp when he felt a large warm body against his own
“I’ll comfort you as long as I don’t feel like I’m in second place or that my position is threatened. It’s not a good feeling”
Joel slightly smiled and hesitantly put a hand on Xelqua’s large body. He thought it might have been his thigh, but it was still feathery. The feathers were soft as he ran his hand through them, a bit more confidently now that Xelqua wasn’t moving away. He nodded
“I get that and I’m sorry for making you feel that way. I guess I got upset because Scott made me feel similarly, like I wasn’t even an option when I tried and wanted to be so badly. But you’re my number one and I don’t see that changing. I want to marry you someday you know, but you really need to work on your emotional regulation first. And I guess I do too”
They sat in a comfortable silence afterwards, the air no longer feeling heavy between them. Joel smiled again when he heard a soft clicking sound coming from the god next to him though he wasn’t sure what that sound entirely was. But it felt gentle. So he had the confidence to continue, to try to fix what he broke at least a little bit
“You know you scared me looking like this at first, but no matter what form you take, you’re beautiful. Do you think Grian will be able to forgive me?”
Joel looked up and saw Xelqua slowly turned his head to face him. It amazed Joel how his eyes, two big purple orbs without any pupils or white were so expressive and human. The clicking sound stopped for a bit and Joel wanted so badly to put his hand on the big face and pull the wings on it apart to see the rest of it
“Not right away. I still haven’t forgiven you entirely either. It’ll take some time. But I’m more connected with my body now, I’m sure he’ll be more willing to see and talk to you when he wakes up”
“So I didn’t completely fuck up?”
“I unfortunately love you too much for you to be able to do that”