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Mike realizes his jaw was clenched for the past five minutes or so. He unclenches it, and the relief doesn’t feel right.
Nothing feels right.
Mike’s head is spinning, he feels a shortage of breath every couple minutes, and he could swear his heart skipped a couple beats. His face feels like it’s on fire, palms sweaty, and he prays to God the others will think he’s just nervous.
Because he should be.
Mike should be nervous about what’s about to happen, their plan to save Holly and the kids and wipe out Vecna in the same take is borderline crazy, no, absolutely crazy. But all he can think about, all he can possibly wrap his head around is whether or not he can afford going out without a confession.
He might die.
The chances are closer to 100 than they are to 0.
He might confess to Will, the chances of being rejected and absolutely humiliated are just about the same as death, but at least he could make sure he takes a blow and doesn’t need to feel embarrassed for too long.
He might confess, that is if his head would finally stop fucking buzzing and he’d catch Will for a moment of privacy.
Chances of that are very close to zero.
Once again, Mike unclenches his jaw, only to then suck the insides of his cheek between his teeth and bite down on the flesh, hard.
He’s just standing there, feeling like an NPC, waiting for anyone to talk to him, tell him to do something, anything. Mike feels useless as everyone around him is in motion, preparing everything for their big showdown, except for El and Kali who are standing back to back, eyes closed.
Then, a tight grip on his shoulder. He startles, head turning to the right. His heart skips another beat, his breath stumbles.
Shit.
“Hey,” he croaks, his throat suddenly feeling terribly dry.
“Hey,” Will says with the slightest nod of his head. There’s no friendliness in Will’s face, no trace of confidence or assurance, so Mike finds it hard to believe when Will says, “It’s going to be alright, Mike.”
“Do you believe that or are you just trying to cheer me up?” Mike furrows his brows.
Will huffs a laugh. “You’re nervous, I’m trying to help.”
Mike could be honest right now.
He is not.
Instead, he gestures towards the people moving around them. “Their lives are on the line. Our lives.”
Will nods without tearing his eyes off Mike’s face. “I know, I’m sorry.”
Mike briefly closes his eyes and shakes his head. “There’s nothing you need to apologize for.”
When he opens his eyes again, Will is teary-eyed, taking a sharp breath. Mike could tell Will all about how none of this is his fault, that Will is a victim before anything else, that Will has been so strong in handling all the shit that’s happened to him, that Will has been more of an anchor than the storm that wrecked the ship.
But Will wouldn’t believe him, and Mike gets it. He gets Will. And there’s a sinking feeling in Mike’s chest when he realizes that in all these years, Will could’ve needed someone other than his own mother who told him how good he was holding up, how bravely and strongly he mastered life with everything that was going on.
Mike feels if he said it now, it would seem performative, and that’s not at all what Will needs right now.
Stupid. He feels so stupid.
Will removes his hand from Mike’s shoulder and Mike kind of wishes he’d feel this burn forever.
“Listen, about earlier-“ Will’s eyes find the floor as he speaks, as if to avoid seeing Mike’s reaction, “I’m sorry to have that kind of dumped on you. It’s just- I wanted you to hear it from me. Not from Vecna, not from anyone else, me.”
There’s a tug at Mike's heart. “You really need to stop apologizing. Do you know how brave that was?” When Will looks up at him with raised eyebrows, Mike smiles. “In a room full of people? I mean, I’ve been trying to figure out who the hell Tammy is but I also really, really wish you could’ve told me sooner.”
Will furrows his brows. “You do?”
Yes, Mike thinks, so I could’ve honestly believed there was a chance for us to exist the way I wanted us to. So I could’ve let you know how much I love you, despite the state that the world is in, despite my republican parents, despite all odds.
He doesn’t say it, though. Instead, it’s now Mike who places his hand on Will’s shoulder, seeking intense eye contact. “We were out there getting girlfriends left and right, none of us even wondered why you didn’t, I swear, if only I’d known I would’ve given you a couple minutes more of my time.”
Mike feels insanely ridiculous saying these words, as if he wouldn’t have dumped El the second he’d figured out he had a chance with Will. Well, maybe not immediately, because there was a time in his life where he thought that if only he tried hard enough to love her, whatever he really felt would just magically disappear. It wasn’t fair to her, but life wasn’t exactly fair to him, either.
Will smiles, and when his eyelids flutter, Mike’s heart skips another beat. “Come on, Mike. It’s not that big of a deal.”
“But it is,” Mike exclaims, grip on Will’s shoulder tightening. “Like, if you’d at least talked to me, forget the others for a second, if there had been one person who knew, maybe you’d have been less alone and we actually could’ve played some D&D.”
Will laughs now. “It was never just about D&D.”
“No, you’re right, it was also about me being an asshole.” Mike didn’t want to bring it up, never again, but here they are. “Like that one time we fought and I told you it’s not my fault you don’t like girls? Jesus, I can’t stop breaking my head about how much that probably hurt you.”
He watches Will’s reaction closely. There’s a twitch in his eyebrows, and his face visibly falters. Will purses his lips, then nods. “Yeah, that was pretty bad. But honestly Mike, it’s fine because-”
“It’s not fine,” Mike says, a little too loud, with a despair in his voice that he didn’t even know he had in him. “It’s not fine, Will.”
“Can I please talk?” The corners of Will’s mouth curl up again, and whatever he finds so funny about Mike’s desperation, he lets Will have it. He nods. “It’s fine because, I mean, look at us. We’re here. You’re still here with me. I’ve spent years being afraid of spilling my secrets, and yet, now that you know, you’re still here.”
“I’m not saying your fear wasn’t valid, I’m just saying that-“
“I know,” Will interrupts him, “but how could you have possibly known if I never told you? Yeah, maybe you could’ve been a little more considerate about other people’s feelings in general, but we can’t talk about things that never have been. Okay?"
Mike knows Will is right, but he really wants to prove a point here. He wants Will to know, to understand, that nothing in this world could’ve ever driven Mike away from him, although there were a couple instances where it almost happened due to… well, due to Mike being an asshole.
“I just want you to understand that it doesn’t matter now, and it wouldn’t have mattered five years ago.” Mike presses his lips to a firm line.
Will moves his hand up to place it on Mike’s that’s still on his shoulder. “I understand.” He smiles. “Actually, maybe I understand so much, I might be brave enough for another confession.”
Mike desperately tries to ignore the tingle in his hand that Will’s touch triggered. “Oh?”
Then, a voice.
Their heads snap up and they’re trying to find the source. When they finally look at Hopper, both their hands drop from Will’s shoulder.
“I appreciate your bonding moment, but could you guys please get moving? Reinforcements may come any minute now, we really should leave.”
They share one last look and a smile before they finally make their way towards the rest of the group.
Mike walks behind Will and internally smacks his hand against his forehead.
How could he fumble this badly?
And what the hell was Will just about to tell him?
Hopper was right, though. They’d just driven through the gate and weren’t really far enough from the MAG-Z to feel safe yet. Not that there was any reason to feel safe at all, but being this close to the gate certainly came with risks.
Now they’re all in the back of the truck again, quietly exchanging looks as Murray gets them to the radio tower. There's a crazy amount of fear, and doubt, a lot of it. Their plan isn’t fail-safe, one wrong movement and they lose everything. The kids. The fight against Vecna. Their lives.
Some of them are standing up, holding themselves on whatever helps them stay steady during the drive. Mike and Will are on the floor, cross-legged, knees slightly touching. Will fumbles with the hems of his sweater, eyes locked on his fingers. Mike’s gaze wanders off towards the others.
None of them look particularly happy to be here, and how could they? They’re on a mission that decides over life and death, most of them are fucking kids, they shouldn’t be doing this, but somehow they all got roped into this years ago, and now they had to bring an end to it.
Not Will’s fault, Mike thinks.
His eyes get stuck on El, and Mike can’t help but think about how unfairly he treated her, and still does.
Their relationship has been at an all time low lately, mostly because she was busy training with Hopper day in and out, but also because Mike’s home was filled to the roof with the Wheelers and Byers making themselves comfortable there. And the crawls. And school. They’d barely seen each other these past months and, although neither of them are actually saying it, they both know it’s looking dim.
Mike thinks about the conversation they had earlier, where he promised her they’re going to put an end to all of this and then get out of this damn town so they could have their happily ever after, and he wants to scold himself for lying to her again.
But apparently, that’s what he does.
He’s lying. To El. To himself. To Will. To everyone.
When Mike and El first met, it was the day Will disappeared. And for a long time, Mike thought he cracked the jackpot. The first girl that even remotely showed interest in him, and they instantly liked each other? It felt like something you’d only see in movies. And he liked El, he really did.
Will came back, and Mike still thought he liked El. But he remembers how he gradually grew more annoyed with her. El’s mannerisms, the way she slowly grew into an actual girl, the way she needed him to express his admiration at all times or she’d think he kind of started hating her.
But, once again, Mike thought that he only had to fake it hard enough for it to be real. He ignored the bubbly feeling in his chest when she finally broke up with him, and kept fighting to get her back, because he thought this was the only way. Meanwhile, he would’ve loved to stay back with his friends and play D&D, hang out with them, especially with Will. Mike’s best friend, or so he thought, because obviously he was supposed to feel his heart rate pick up whenever Will stepped into his line of sight. And Mike had wondered, and wondered, and wondered what on earth happened to him whenever he was with Will. But they were not supposed to like each other that way. And if anything, Will wouldn’t like Mike back anyways. Mike was not supposed to feel this way for Will. No, El was meant for Mike, and he was meant to make it work.
And then, when the Byers and El moved to Lenora, Mike spiraled. El was not there with him anymore to distract him from his feelings for Will, and Mike quickly realized he missed Will more than El. He wrote to El whenever she wrote to him, he’d never send the first letter.
But he tried calling to talk to Will, several times a day, and he kept venting to Lucas and Dustin about the line always being busy because of Joyce’s stupid job. He wrote letters to Will, but never sent them. They’re all neatly stacked in a box under his bed. He made Will a mixtape that he planned to give him for his birthday, when Mike went to Lenora for spring break, but he left it at home, because he felt stupid, so fucking stupid.
During their absence, Mike crashed into his feelings for Will, hard and heavy, to a point he didn’t even know how to act naturally around Will anymore. He fumbled the greeting at the airport, even entirely forgot the birthday wishes, and everything felt weird. Because now he wasn’t just Mike, Will’s best friend anymore. Now he was Mike, the guy with unrequited feelings for his best friend.
After everything that went down with El, and all of them trying to somehow get her back, Mike caught himself a couple of times thinking about how it’s not too bad without her, because at least now he wouldn’t have to worry about her feelings anymore.
And then there was the fucking painting, and there were a couple of seconds in which Mike honestly thought he meant more to Will than that, but it turned out to be commissioned by El and suddenly he felt like he was obliged to pretend again, because how could he possibly leave her hanging like that when she clearly loved him so much?
The 18 months leading up to this last crawl, Mike stopped pretending, because there was no time, place, or reason to pretend, except for those few occasions where he and El had actually seen each other, occasions where they couldn’t get more intimate because there would always be someone else around.
Instead, he spent so much time with Will that a part of himself seemed to be healing. There were nights where they’d just sit on the porch talking for hours, movie marathons, planning campaigns in Mike’s room until the early morning hours when they’d realize they’re beyond fucked because they’d have to leave for school. Mike vividly remembers that one night when he stole a bottle of his parents liquor and they got drunk for the first time, he remembers backgammon, then he remembers the way he played with Will’s hair, faces flushed and so close, the tips of their noses were touching. Mike also remembers wanting to kiss Will, and to this day he’s sure he would have, if Will hadn’t thrown up into Mike’s lap while his fingers were still in Will’s hair.
Mike started believing that if it always were this way - Will close to him, an active part in his life, he would be okay with his feelings being unrequited, because at least Will would be here.
But here they fucking are. Will came out to the whole group, and Mike is spiraling yet again, wondering if right now would be the right moment to make a move, or if it’s really worth it to get rejected and fuck up their friendship forever, especially if he’s unsure of whether there’s even going to be a tomorrow.
Suddenly, Mike’s painfully aware of Will’s knee against his, and he lets his gaze wander back to Will’s face, only to find him staring back.
When Mike speaks, he keeps his voice low. “Hey, uh, what were you going to say earlier?”
Will smirks and shakes his head. “Not here. This is something I don’t really want to share with the group.”
“If Vecna gets you I’ll never know, though.” Mike smiles back at Will.
“If Vecna gets me, he’s gonna make sure you’ll find out, trust me.”
None of this makes sense to Mike, but he lets it rest here.
They make it to the radio tower a couple minutes later, and everyone is relieved to finally get out of that truck.
Dustin seems a little green in the face and complains about motion sickness, Mike laughs and gives him a pat on the back. For a couple minutes, everything is a little chaotic. Everyone is everywhere, their voices are all over the place. Mike is starting to feel a little overwhelmed. He doesn’t know if it’s the fact he’s finally properly in the Upside Down, or everything that’s going on, or Will (god, Will), but he needs to take a step back.
He takes a deep breath, then looks up at the radio tower and gulps. Maybe the impending doom does make him a little nervous. For a couple of seconds he feels silly for spiraling over his feelings for Will when all of them could die tonight.
Then again—
“No more regrets, right?”
Mike snaps out of it. Nancy seems to have randomly spawned next to him. “Huh?”
She smiles. “You said that at the hospital, remember?”
“Ah.” Mike nods. “That.”
“So, is this how you imagined it?” Nancy nudges him with her elbow.
Mike doesn’t know what’s overcome him, but suddenly he thinks there needs to be at least one person to know. And Nancy happens to be here. “I wish I could actually be as brave as I think I am. But I’m not, Nance. I’m here, and I’m gonna be honest, I might shit my pants any minute now, I don’t know how you guys do this. I’m too scared to tell my girlfriend I don’t love her, do you honestly think I’m meant to be here?”
Nancy holds up her hands. “Woah, woah, woah, hold on. What? You don’t love El?”
“Not sure I ever did.” Mike can hear his own heartbeat, he’s lucky if he passes out before he gets to say anything else. He doesn’t. “There’s someone else. I think. I mean, I’m not sure.”
“Well.” Nancy sighs. “You’ve chosen the worst possible time for that conversation, Mike. I’m sorry.”
“I know.” His ears are ringing.
“My honest advice is, if that someone else is here with us, you go tell her, because we might not make it until tomorrow morning.” She doesn’t notice his change of expression upon the word her, and if she does, she says nothing. Nancy is called over by Joyce, and before she turns to leave, she shrugs at Mike. “No more regrets. Oh and also, after everything you’ve heard about this place, I think you’re pretty damn brave for setting foot in here.”
Mike nods and watches Nancy walk away, a feeling of dizziness coming over him. He wishes there would be more time for this conversation. He needs to have this conversation.
Mike starts to panic.
Not just because of Will, but also because he might literally, actually die tonight.
No more regrets.
He needs to find Will.
Theoretically, Will can’t be far. They have a plan and they need to stick to it if they want to make it work. Mike tries to recall the different roles assigned to each member of their group, but he can barely remember his own.
He eventually finds Will in the shed below the tower, where he’s going through some strategy with Robin.
She spots Mike first, and her reaction startles him. Her eyebrows shoot towards her hairline, her eyes find the ceiling for a second, then she pats Will on the shoulder. “I’ll leave you guys alone, yeah?”
As Robin rushes past Mike, Will turns around with a puzzled look on his face. He brightens up when he sees Mike. “What, are you like, obsessed with me?”
Mike smiles, wide-eyed and nodding frantically. “Yeah absolutely, I just can’t get enough of you.”
Will laughs, and it makes Mike’s heart skip another beat. He wonders if he can be bold enough to close the door behind him.
Fuck it, Mike thinks, then turns to give a push to the door. It falls shut, and when Mike turns back to Will, the puzzled look is back on his face.
“You do know we have a plan, right?” Will takes a step towards Mike. “If we don’t pull through, we’re screwed.”
“Exactly,” Mike responds, his heart rate picking up even more. “That’s why- That’s why I need to talk to you.”
“Mike, I didn’t mean to drive you nuts, really, I was just being-“
“Who’s Tammy?”
Will groans. “Come on! That’s what you need to know now?”
“Well, we might all die tonight, I deserve my answers.” Mike fumbles with his hands and bites the insides of his cheeks, ignoring the strong iron taste covering his tongue.
“Okay, okay. Without giving away someone else’s secrets, you know when you’re so focused on a person, you make it your whole personality? Like, this one person seems to be your key? And you think you’ll finally be able to love yourself if that one person loves you back?” Will visibly blushes, and Mike almost swoons.
Like you to me, Mike thinks.
“But then,” Will goes on, “this person does not love you back and you’re spiraling, until you finally realize that your personality is not that person, it’s yourself. And this is someone’s Tammy, and it’s my… Well, not my Tammy, but it’s similar. So, that crush I had, I call him my Tammy.”
Mike furrows his brows. He’s trying to think of a single person Will could’ve possibly had a crush on. “Who was it, then?”
Will shakes his head. “Mike, no. It doesn’t matter now, okay? It’s important I can move on and accept myself.”
“It matters to me.”
“But why?” Will sighs, he seems defeated.
Mike feels sick. He doesn’t know how to word it, he never thought he’d have this conversation with Will. A part of him wonders if he is Will’s Tammy, but that seems almost like too much of a reach. When Mike finally speaks, there’s an audible tremble in his voice. “Because I’ve got about thirty letters under my bed, all addressed to you in Lenora. And I’ve got a mixtape on my nightstand that I meant to give you for your birthday when I came to visit.”
Will’s mouth opens slightly, then closes again. He rapidly blinks back at Mike, looking even more confused than minutes prior. “Mike, I’m sorry, I don’t follow.”
“God,” Mike groans, “see, what I’m trying to say is, I don’t know who your Tammy is, but did you ever consider that I’m right here?”
“Mike, you are my Tammy.”
They look at each other, eyes widening, mouths agape. Will, because he just said something he’d rather kept to himself. Mike, because it’s finally clicking. Will had a crush on him. Past tense.
“God, you should’ve come out sooner.” Mike’s voice is almost a whisper.
“Why? For the sheer purpose of rejection and fucking up our friendship?” Will shakes his head. “All this time, you’ve had El.”
“When I wanted you.” Mike feels dizzy again, his heart rate feels extremely dangerous right now. “I wanted you, Will.”
“But El-“
“She’s great, she’s a good friend, Will. But she’s El.” Mike shakes his head. “I just- I always thought I stood no chance, and I kept telling myself I need to make this work because it’s my only option. And when I actually thought of giving up, breaking free or whatever, you gave me this damn painting that she commissioned and I felt trapped again and-“
“She never commissioned it.”
“Huh?”
“She never commissioned the painting.” Will starts tearing up. “I was embarrassed, so I told you she commissioned it.”
Oh.
Oh.
Mike’s eyes widen, his mouth taking on the shape of an O. For a second, they just stare at each other. Then, Mike says “I don’t want you to be over your Tammy.”
Will smiles and shakes his head. “I’m not. Never have been.”
“But you said-“
“I thought if I tell you guys I did, Vecna wouldn’t try to use you against me.” Will sighs. “He knows you’re my weakness, I wanted to redirect.”
There’s a single tear running down Will’s cheek, and Mike’s had it. It’s a matter of minutes, seconds even, until someone comes barging through that door to get them back to the group. They don’t have time to discuss.
The signs are clear enough.
With three steps, Mike crosses the distance between them. He places a hand on Will’s cheek, and waits. Mike waits to see if Will backs off, if he’s sending any signals that he doesn’t want Mike to do what he’s about to do. Will straightens his back, but he does not back off, he doesn’t look displeased.
Instead, Will says, voice almost as low as a whisper: “Please.”
Mike reciprocates, and their lips meet. It’s the single most beautiful thing Mike’s ever experienced. Will seems a little uneasy, but it feels like their lips were made for each other, their faces perfectly aligned. But most importantly, Mike doesn’t need to pretend. He doesn’t need to pretend to like this, because this is what he actually wants, and wanted for a long time. He doesn’t need to pretend to love Will, because he does, and has for a long time. It’s just them and their lips against the rest of the world right now, and Mike wishes this could go on forever.
With his hand still on Will’s cheek, he places another at the wall behind Will’s back before breaking the kiss and placing his forehead against Will’s, eyes closed. Will’s hands are holding onto Mike’s jacket, and for a moment it feels like time is frozen. They listen to each other’s breaths, foreheads touching, and although Mike isn’t looking, he knows Will is smiling, just like he, himself.
“We don’t have time,” Mike says softly.
“I know.”
As if on cue, there’s a bang against the door, and Murray’s voice shouting that they need to keep moving and stick to the plan. Mike doesn’t want to move, but it’s Will who gives him a gentle push.
Mike opens his eyes to meet Will’s.
Will smiles.
They both know there’s not enough time for a proper conversation.
They don’t need to speak, because they can so easily pick up on each other’s thoughts.
Mike really wants to live.
And even if he doesn’t make it through the night, he knows that he’s dying with one less regret.