Chapter Text
You have entered the group: ‘the trash compactor’
armstrong: guess whos back and better than ever
pidgeotto: r u gonna say that every time u start group chat
armstrong: what are u like twelve
pidgeotto has left the conversation
armstrong has added pidgeotto to the conversation
armstong: SORRY PIDGE I COUDLNT RESIST
pidgeotto: this family is so toxic
pidgeotto: TOXIC
hunkules: did you have something you needed to say lance???
armstrong: nah, nothing important
armstrong: just that I got a promOTION
armstrong: EAT MY DUST MULLET BOY
pidgeotto: actually speakin of mullet boy
pidgeotto: where is keith? he hasnt messaged us all day
pidgeotto: nd when i passed his office earlier he wasnt there
hunkules: i think i saw him this morning getting coffee but i. actually dont remember if that was real or not????
alluring: Congrats, Lance! I'm happy to hear you got the promotion!
armstrong: THANK you, for paying atetntion to the blood sweat and tears i put into gettnig this promo
armstrong: nice to #expose my #fakefreinds
pidgeotto: ........anyway
armstrong: pidge im on my way to ur office RN we clearly have unresolved tension
hunkules: please dont say it like that lance...
armstrong: are u looking for some tension too hunk my guy?
hunkules: hey wHOA back up dont drag me into this
shirolebeouf: I came into chat to congratulate Lance and I find this???
shirolebeouf: please calm down. like, all of you.
shirolebeouf: except you, allura. you're good.
pidgeotto: allura just did her laugh
pidgeotto: u kno the one
armstrong: the Suburban Mom™ giggle?
pidgeotto: yup
armstrong: i lov that onee
alluring: Stoooooppp, you guys are embarrasing me!
pidgeotto: its tru, shes blushinf
armstrong: living up to the username, i see
alluring: STOP IT LANCE
nonepizzawithleftkeith: who woulda thought that lances flirting would ever work on someone
hunkules: ah, the true secret to finding the elusive keith
hunkules: give him an opportunity to insult lance
shirolebeouf: you two are dating?
nonepizzawithleftkeith: ur point?
shirolebeouf: doesn't that mean his flirting worked on you too?
armstrong: okay first of all,
armstrong: @ keith vete a freír espárragos
armstrong: SECOnd of all,
armstrong: i am known to be quite the casanovsa
twintwin: I'm going to have to ask you to calm down the messages
twintwin: I'm in between meetings and my phone didn't stop ringing throughout the last one
pidgeotto: turn off notifs???
twintwin: But then I don't get to be in the conversation :(
hunkules: oh my GOD WE'RE ALL MONSTERS
hunkules: IM SORRY CORAN U DONT DESERVE THIS
twintwin: :')
You have entered the conversation 'the trash compactor'
shirolebeouf: alright who was it
armstrong: uhhhhh
pidgeotto: i suddenly remembered i have somewhere v v important to be
hunkules: omg what happened???
alluring: I assure you it wasn't me?
pidgeotto: ur literally perf allura what r u even worried abt
hunkules: youve never done anything wrong before allura????
armstrong: im glad we all agree that allura is Most Pure™ and we are undeserving
alluring: I'M LEAVING YOU ALL ARE TOO NICE
shirolebeouf: as much as I love Allura and admit she is a literal angel, we have a problem here
armstrong: look i dunno waht it is but its keiths fault i swear
nonepizzawithleftkeith: wtf the fuck dude
armstrong: im not taking the fall for u
nonepizzawithleftkeith: I DIDNT DO ANYTHING DUMBASS
armstrong: SOUNDS LIKE A CONFESSION TO ME
nonepizzawithleftkeith: DO U EVEN LISTEN TO URSELF 90% OF THE TIME
shirolebeouf: ENOUGH MY GOD
armstrong: .....soorry
nonepizzawithleftkeith: sorry shiro
pidgeotto: its like workin with toddlers
pidgeotto: or dogs in heat
hunkules: P I D G E
shirolebeouf: I'm certain it was probably Lance, but I wanted to give the benefit of the doubt
armstrong: im sorry whAT???????????????????????????
hunkules: S H I R O
twintwin: You have to admit you are the source of many wrongdoings in this company. :/
armstrong: i trust u gys.,..,,... i give u my love,,...,.,,. and this is how u repay me?????>??
shirlebeouf: okay then. Lance, did you get me a mug that says #1 Daddy?
pidgeotto: omg lance u didnt
nonepizzawithleftkeith: YOU ACTUALLY DID THAT??? I THOUGHT U WERE JOKING WHEN U SNAPCHATTED ME THAT PIC
armstrong: uummm my momma said i gotta go home rihgt now immediatelyy
hunkules: ohh my god im dying!!!!!
pidgeotto: i mean the mugs not wrong tho
hunkules: OHH MY GOD IM DYING!!!!!
alluring: I don't understand?
alluring: We joke about you being the Dad Friend all the time, right?
nonepizzawithleftkeith: lnace you made this mess, explain to allura why the mug is so funny
armstrong: ....... so u admit it was funny
nonepizzawithleftkeith: i never said that
armstrong: its???? right there???????? you said it right here, in group chat, in front of everyone???????
pidgeotto: idk what ur talkin abt lance i dont remember that
hunkules: yeah, i dont remember that either??? source pls
armstrong: i hate u guyhs so much
nonepizzawithleftkeith: get on with it dude. we're waitng.
armstrong: i cant ruin allura like that.
armstrong: shes Most Pure™
shirolebeouf: youve made your bed, now lie in it
armstrong: only if ur with me ;)
shirolebeouf: keith
nonepizzawithleftkeith: on it
armstrong: waht are u guys talkign about???
armstrong: ur silence scares me
armstrong: OW HOLY SHIT KIETH UJST CAMEE TO MY OFFICE ADN SLAPPED THE SHIT OUTTA ME
pidgeotto: #relationshipgoals
hunkules: pidge do me a favor and NEVER date anyone bc u have awful taste????????
pidgeotto: u come into my house on the day my daughter is to be married, nd u kinkshame me
hunkules: you dont get to have kinks when youre ace pidge!!!!!
armstrong: let! them! have! kinks!
hunkules: lance youre the kinkiest of all
hunkules: you got shiro a daddy mug
armstrong: LET! THEM! HAVE! KINKS!
nonepizzawithleftkeith: ur just tryng to distract us from ur sins
armstrong: LET! THEM! HAVE! KINKS!
alluring: I still don't understand the significance of the mug...
twintwin: I, too, am lost. ://///
shirolebeouf: Lance....
armstrong: im suprised yuo wanna tell her shiro
armstrong: how could you defile her like that??
hunkules: seriously lance... dont say it like that!!!!!!!!
alluring: Oh my...
hunkules: ???
alluring: Pidge explained the difference between 'dad' and 'daddy'...
nonepizzawithleftkeith: oh god
twintwin: Oh, come on you guys! >:0
alluring >>> twintwin
alluring: It's a sexual thing, Coran. Apparently some people enjoy being called or calling others 'daddy'.
twintwin: Please tell me that's a cultural thing and not worldwide.
alluring: Pidge says "you can't escape the daddy kink" so I think that means it's an international crisis.
twintwin: That is truely alarming. :0
You have entered the conversation 'the trash compactor'
twintwin: Never mind, I'm good!
hunkules: ??????????????
shirolebeouf: anyway, I'm on my way down to talk to you Lance
armstrong: im sorry what
shirolebeouf: I think we need to have a serious chat about workplace etiquette
pidgeotto: #draggt
armstrong: it was just a mug!!!
shirolebeouf: right. except that Zarkon just happened to walk by and notice the mug this morning. you think he's letting that one go?
pidgeotto: LMFAO U DED SON
armstrong: I CNNANOT BELEIVE THIS MIERDAAAA
armstrong: IMM FFUCNKIG DYINGG
nonepizzawithleftkeith: i can confirm he is laughing loud enough for me to hear down the hall
nonepizzawithleftkeith: the laughing abruptly stopped i think shiro arrived
hunkules: i can confirm shiro is here and lecturing quietly but firmly
pidgeotto: deets pls
hunkules: i can only hear little bits but the phrase 'moral obligations' has been said upwards of three times???????
hunkules: also lance is like. giving shiro puppy dog eyes and batting his lashes a lot
pidgeotto: the fool. that only works on dumbasses like keith
nonepizzawithleftkeith: ok rude. im not giving you back your phone charger
nonepizzawithleftkeith: i didnt expect that to scare pidge so much but they just showed up at my desk with chocolate
hunkules: dude where'd you get chocolate so fast??????
pidgeotto: like im tellin u
hunkules: R00D
armstrong: i always get so sad when shiro lectures me
nonepizzawithleftkeith: if you hate it so much, stop being a shitty brat
armstrong: oh honey........ sweatie............. :)
twintwin: I'll never understand your relationship.
pidgeotto: literally no one does
hunkules: true. every time i think i get it, they change again?????
shirolebeouf: Lance, the next time you pull anything even remotely similar to this stunt, I'm giving Keith overtime for a week.
armstrong: daaaaaaaaaaaaad nooooooooooooo
nonepizzawithleftkeith: lance i s2g i will END you if i have to work overtime for ur mildly entertaining pranks
armstrong: MILDLY?????
armstrong: M I L D L Y ? ? ? ?
nonepizzawithleftkeith: do u want to come over tonight or not.
armstrong: <3 tu eres la caña <3
nonepizzawithleftkeith: th ats what i thought