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Three sharp knocks at the door catch Buck off guard where he is standing in front of the mirror, deciding between navy blue or fuchsia shirts for a date that he has in an hour. He frantically grabs his phone to check for any missed calls or emergency messages, but the notifications are just as empty as twenty minutes ago, when he got out of the shower.
The person, whoever they are, knocks again, prompting Buck to swiftly answer the door.
What he definitely doesn’t expect to see there is Eddie, who invites himself in as soon as the door is cracked open enough for him to fit through, leaving Buck standing there, confused.
“Come on… in?” He says hesitantly, not sure what to make out of it all, because the second Eddie is inside, he starts pacing around — his hands restless, and his hair messy as if he was tugging at it the whole way here. Buck hasn’t seen him like this since the whole Kim situation and it’s honestly a little unsettling.
“Eddie? Are you ok-” he doesn’t even manage to finish the question before Eddie drags his palms across his face in that very typical manner of his and blurts out.
“I’m gay.”
He’s not looking at Buck, eyes darting all across the room, his skin is pale and he overall looks a little… haunted.
“I’m gay and I’m in love with you.” Eddie says — or more like, mutters to himself, — pacing back and forth again, before stopping and finally facing Buck head on. “Please, don’t date anyone else.”
“Ok-ay...?” Buck answers on an instinct. “Okay.” He takes a deep breath, shaken and frozen on the spot, taking Eddie in with wide-open eyes. Okay…
Actually, no, screw that! Nothing about this is okay. It’s the least okay things have been for a while. As a matter of fact, Buck is pretty sure he had slipped in the shower twenty minutes ago, hitting his head. This has to be another dream his brain conducts, while bleeding out on the bathroom tiles. It can’t be happening.
His eyes dart to check the lamp, the wall clock, the calendar. Can it? Can this be real?
Eddie across him loses colour and resolve by the second, now still and rigid, searching Buck’s face for a reaction. When none comes, he looks Buck over, this time noticing his new jeans and kempt curls, the fancy navy shirt left unbuttoned in the haste to answer the door.
“I’m- I’m too late, aren’t I? Fuck, sorry, I shouldn’t have- Forget it.” He tries to get out as quick as he got in but thankfully this time Buck is standing between him and the door to stop him.
“Eddie, wait. Stop- wait!” His palm is on Eddie’s chest, shaking with how hard his friend’s heart hammers against it. “Please. Go… Sit down, okay? I’ll cancel the date and then we talk. We need to talk, man.”
He tries for an eye contact again, but Eddie completely avoids him, just shaking his head.
“You shouldn’t. It was stupid.” Eddie presses his lips together and then lets out a bitter laugh, a short one, like he just couldn’t hold it in. “I just thought maybe you’re not over it – me – yet. But it’s okay. Really, I get it.” He attempts a smile but it’s so crooked it looks painful.
It must be frustration, or the lingering shock, or just everything Buck has been bottling up inside until this moment, because the next thing he knows, he grips Eddie by the shoulders, shaking him lightly and barks out “I’m not!” right in Eddie’s face. They’re so close he can feel Eddie’s breath on his own skin. It tickles his lips. It makes him take a step back to not do something even more stupid.
Eddie follows him, leaning in subconsciously, as if hooked to an invisible string. It’s too much. All of this is too much, and Buck needs to breathe, needs to pause, needs to put his world back on its original axis from where Eddie unceremoniously shoved it a minute ago.
“But we need to talk,” he continues much softer, “and for that I need to cancel the date that I’d otherwise have in an hour.”
“You’re not?” Eddie’s words are a whisper, his brows furrowed together and his gaze is now all over Buck, as if he’s trying to find a clue whether to believe his words. As if he somehow can be unsure about Buck’s feelings when everyone on the planet clocked him quite some time ago.
Buck takes a deep breath — Eddie’s smell tugging at his heart with how much Buck has missed it.
“I’m not.” He says, shaking his head slightly. Then ads, humourless chuckle escaping him. “I don’t think it’s possible.”
Once Eddie no longer looks like he’s going to bolt any second, Buck reaches for his phone. The text he sends is short and much less courteous than the guy deserves. Buck genuinely feels bad for it. However, it’s the most he could possibly muster right now so it’ll have to do.
In the quick second it takes to type out the message, Eddie finally sits down on a couch. He seems calmer when Buck comes close again, opting to sit in a chair, because this is definitely a face on type of conversation. If only he knew how to start it now that the momentum slowed down.
Eddie’s silent, looking at his own knees like it’s the most interesting thing in a world and Buck decides to just go over it step after step.
“So…” He starts, words scratchy in his dry throat. This probably would’ve been better with a beer. “You’re gay.”
It’s neither a question, nor a statement, somewhere in the middle. Eddie nods once, definitively. It feels weird; hurts Buck a little bit with all the implications, with how it changes things. This is not about him, though, so he swallows down whatever small ache he’s feeling.
“I’m glad you’ve found yourself.” He says and the smile that tugs at the corners of his mouth is genuine, despite all the other things. “And I’m proud of you.”
Eddie ducks his chin in what could be read as shyness and shrugs. He doesn’t seem like someone who’s all that sure in this new label yet and Buck remembers his own uncertainty. How he was hesitating telling Eddie. How Eddie was so accepting, even though him saying it didn’t change anything ripped in half the small hope Buck didn’t realize he was holding at the time. Left him with a little hollow feeling he didn’t have a way to explain then. Still, Eddie was understanding and supportive and Buck owes him just as much.
Except right after his sudden coming out, Eddie also mumbled about being in love with Buck, so it adds a whole different kind of layer to this, doesn’t it?
“How- How long have you known?” Buck can’t stop himself from asking. Then backtracks immediately, shooting hands in the air. “It’s okay if you don’t want to- I’m sorry. You don’t have to answer.”
“I kind of figured it out in El Paso.” Eddie says quietly.
El Paso… That was months ago. A whole eternity ago! Why didn’t Eddie say anything sooner? What happened in El Paso? Did he meet someone there? Was he… Was he with someone? Ground is suddenly unstable under Buck’s feet, chair too unsteady, as his mind spirals with questions. He wants to ask all of them. He’s not sure he’s entitled to. He probably won’t be able to handle the answers too anyway, so he just bites his lip, absentmindedly squeezing the back of his neck trying to elevate the pressure.
Air between them still buzzes with nervousness. Eddie seems to somehow read his mind once again, or all the questions are just written over Buck’s face, because he continues a moment later.
“I meant to tell you sooner, okay? It's just- A lot. Over the phone it felt wrong. Then Bobby…” Eddie hovers over the word, unable to say it. So, he moves on. “It wasn’t exactly good timing. And then things just kept happening, one after another, and you moved out, and we… Fuck, when was the last time we even went somewhere together? I mean, one on one?”
That last question raises Buck’s hackles, because why is Eddie saying it like it’s Buck’s fault? Yes, sure, it might’ve been harder than usual to reach him while he was mourning, but he would never turn Eddie down had he came up to him. Moreover, Eddie somehow had no problem hanging out with Hen, going to the movies and all that.
“What’s changed now?” Buck snaps.
It’s bitter and guarded even if he doesn’t want it to be.
Eddie flinches and Buck immediately wants to shove the words back inside his mouth. It’s not how this is supposed to be going. They’re in love with each other, for god’s sake. And they finally know it. They even more or less said it! Nothing else should matter, really. Eddie is here, in his house, sitting across Buck, and he confessed, so by all logic they should be all over each other, happy and horny and stupid about it.
Buck thinks it would’ve been exactly like that had it happened sooner. Maybe that time Eddie told him about his will, or when he came back from coma because Eddie managed to restart his heart, or at least while they were still partners. Really any time before- Before this weird emptiness has crawled its way between them and now, they sit here and talk about it, while Buck feels like his chest is going to burst with all the conflicting feelings.
“I was talking to Ravi,” Eddie admits, his cheeks slightly pink with embarrassment. He pauses, takes a deep breath, akin to that before jumping into deep, cold water. Then jumps. “He told me you decided to get into dating again. That should mean you’re finally getting over me. He was so excited about it too, like it was good news, and I… I didn’t even know you were into me? Wasn’t sure if I should say anything with how things were. And suddenly it was like- like I lost it before I even had it. I guess, I- panicked?”
As Eddie finishes talking, he finally looks at Buck, looks him right in the eyes, and there is such raw vulnerability in his stare that Buck’s breath catches. He reaches for him, can’t help himself, covering Eddie’s hand with his own. The touch is hot and electric; it prickles the skin of his palm. He doesn’t want to ever let go.
“Eddie…”
“I know we’ve dated other people before, but this time it just… It felt like I might lose you for good. And I’ve lost so many-” Eddie fumbles with words, his eyes suddenly glistening with wetness, his breath ragged. He swallows before he can continue. “Only this time I actually could do something about it. I had to try. I’m sorry I ruined your date.” He finishes quietly, side eyeing the phone on a coffee table, his voice almost blank. Buck squeezes his hand.
“Don’t you dare apologize. This whole dating thing was stupid anyway. I knew I won’t be able to get over you. Not now, probably not ever. You’re… You’re it, Eddie. You and Chris are everything I’ve ever wanted.”
The moment he says it, it’s like the air shifts. Buck can practically see this huge weight being lifted off Eddie’s shoulders, the way his breathing evens out, the way the tension bleeds out of him. His eyes, still wet, shine with something close to hope — bright and fragile and terrifying all at once.
“I miss you.” Eddie says after a bit, plain and simple, like a fact. It still makes Buck’s breath hitch.
“The house doesn’t feel right without you there.”
Buck looks away, jaw tightening. He knows a thing or two about that. His mind readily supplies pictures: making breakfast for everyone in kitchen, playing videogames on a couch, tucking Christopher to sleep. How empty it felt once Eddie left. A house. Not a home anymore. There’s that familiar ache behind his ribs again.
“Chris misses you too. He has his teenage act up, so he doesn’t talk about it much, but I see it.” Eddie continues, and Buck feels like he’s being roped in. “Would you come back?”
Buck swallows hard. “Eddie-”
“I know I don’t get to ask like it’s nothing.” Eddie cuts in quickly, shaking his head. “It’s just... Whenever I imagined coming back, you were there.”
“I just settled.” Buck catches his eyes. “I move again now and then something goes wrong, because it always does, and then what?”
Eddie hesitates, gaze dropping to the floor, before looking up again, this time with more resolve.
“Then I won’t be making the calls alone anymore.” He speaks. “I won’t shut you out.”
It sounds so simple. If only it was that simple. Buck shakes his head with a small bitter laugh. “You can’t promise me that.”
Eddie’s bites the inside of his cheek, weighting his response.
“I can if we make it official.” He says tentatively.
Buck’s heart skips a bit. He can feel a pit forming in his stomach for some reason. “Official? Official how?”
This time Eddie doesn’t hesitate with the answer. “We could get married. I mean. Marry me. That- that should do it, right?”
The room tilts. Buck jerks back so hard his chair tips on its hind legs for a second, his heart slamming painfully against his ribs.
“What- no. No, Eddie, you can’t-”
The air doesn’t quite make it to his lungs, leaving him lightheaded, grasping for balance as Eddie stares at him, suddenly stricken.
“Why not?” Confusion bleeds into Eddie’s voice. “You just said it yourself. Me and Chris. It makes perfect sense. I mean all things considered you’ve been our family for a long time now-”
“Yeah, that’s what I thought too.” Buck chokes out, interrupting, and he hates the way his throat closes around words, making them sound so wounded. “Except when it really mattered, suddenly it was your son, and your family, and your decision. I wasn’t even part of the conversation. More like an obstacle you had to tiptoe around.” He finishes quietly, pulse thudding in his ears over the words, vision blurry. His hands don’t shake only because he grips the armrests so hard his knuckles go white.
“Oh, it’s about that, isn’t it? Really?” Eddie flails his hands. “You’re still mad I left? Well, if you didn’t notice, I came back! And I came to you now!”
Whatever cool Eddie had had left before dissipates and he’s like a wick dipped in gasoline, ready to ignite from the slightest spark. Vulnerability might be hard and new, but he sure knows how to get angry. Suddenly they’re both on their feet somehow, dangerously close.
“God, you’re not listening, are you? I’m not mad that you left. I was never mad about you leaving. I- You made me feel like I belonged with you two. You wrote me into your will, and you’ve let me parent Chris, you told me I’m not expendable, and I let myself believe it.” Buck pauses for a breath, but the next words still come out as breathless and small as he feels. “Only for having none of it matter later.”
He turns his head, not able to face Eddie anymore, as he continues.
“So, you can’t expect me to- to jump straight back to how things were on a belief that another piece of paper would protect it.”
Out of the corner of an eye he sees small movement — Eddie’s hand reaching out to him, then curling back into a fist, never touching.
“It’s not just a piece of paper.” Eddie’s voice drops, rough around the edges. There’s hurt in it now too. “And things wouldn’t be how they were. Precisely because I’m offering you a marriage. With the rights and the legal stuff. The vows. In sickness and health. All of it. Why can’t you get it?”
“Because I’m me!” Buck takes a step back and throws his arms open, as if inviting Eddie to take a good look. “Because I act out and get too jealous, or too needy. Too emotional. Too much! Evan Buckley with his tragedies and trials and tribulations. Are you sure that is the person you want to marry? Because, and I am sorry to make this about myself, but I can’t get a family just to lose it again! I don’t think I’ll survive it this time.”
His chest raises and falls with how heavy his breathing is, the rugged, shaky sound of it being the only thing breaking the sudden quiet between them. Buck knows he said too much the moment understanding hits Eddie, filling his features with horror. Of course he caught on. No matter how far they are from each other, that line, that string between them, the one that usually makes them scarily in tune, never wears down.
“It gets that bad, huh?” Eddie asks, small and careful.
Buck shakes his head, feeling streaks of wet on his cheeks. “Not- Not anymore. I’m sorry-”
“No.” He cuts Buck off softly. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize.”
“It’s fine. You couldn’t possibly have… I didn’t want anyone to worry about me on top of everything.”
“Yeah, but about me moving, too. I didn’t realize that that’s what it looked like, what it was to you. I didn’t mean to…” Eddie shakes his head.
Their expressions mirror each other — sorrow, regret, but on top of it all, the aching wish to just get to each other, to hold each other through it, that raw need to be there. It’s like once all have been said, they suddenly got back on the right track.
It’s hard not to reach for each other, so they both do, stepping into each other’s space. Eddie’s hands are cupping back of Buck’s neck, while his own are on the other man’s waist, sharing a breath once again. Only this time no nervousness left in between.
“You asked me if I’m sure…” Eddie finally speaks again, searching Buck’s eyes with his gaze. “I am. You know it was never about you being too much. And whatever bullshit happens, we’re always coming back to each other. That’s just how it is. And I want to keep coming back.”
Buck can’t help his smile, nodding, small and quick, and bringing Eddie closer in. “Me too. I want it too.”
Eddie smiles back. It’s unclear who moves in for a kiss first, but their lips are locked together a second later, wet and salty. It’s their first kiss and it tastes like tears, while both have to pause for a gulp of air, because they’ve been crying so breathing is hard. Somehow it fits them.