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If I only could, I'd make a deal with God, and I'd get Him to swap our places.
- - - -
Two Weeks After Max Was Hospitalized.
Will sat next to the horrible hospital bed, listening to the horrible heart monitor, staring at his friend in a horrible state, wishing the horrible feeling in his chest would go away.
Max looked so small in the bed, eyes closed, mind fighting something only she could see.
Kate Bush was playing softly in the corner–Lucas had insisted upon it.
–
“If anyone visits Max, they play the song.”
The demand was final, Lucas’s voice shaking and cracking in the way that it should when you love somebody that much.
“I don’t care if you’re sick of it, you play it so she can find her way back.”
And they’d all nodded, all agreed. But days stretched into weeks that turned into months that turned into a year.
“Play the song!” Lucas begged. He visited Max as often as he could–but often wasn’t always, and he wanted there to always be a chance.
The others came when they could, but life moved slowly. Crawls took up people’s time, Steve and Robin had the radio thing going, and life moved forward.
Will made it a point to come whenever he could, usually when life was so loud, and he just needed it to be quiet.
–
“You missed another quiz in history,” Will mumbled, voice cracking. “I feel so behind–the move and everything messed up school.”
He gave a short, barky laugh.
“They have a plan for Vecna, though. Starting these things called crawls. I don’t know if it’ll work, but it’s something.” Will paused.
“Robin and Steve started a radio show called The Squawk. It’s actually kinda good. We use it for song cues when crawls start. It delivers messages, but sometimes it lets me just think we’re normal people with a radio show.”
Max lay, unmoving and unresponsive. The song finished, and Will pressed a button to rewind the tape, waiting for it to start again.
“I miss you.” Will’s voice broke. “I know I’m not the only one, but I miss you, and I know it’s selfish, but I need you back.”
Max was strong. She’d seen things, suffered loss, and looked Vecna in the face and fought. Max was fearless. She didn’t run away from her problems, just pushed through it. She bickered with Lucas and joked with Eleven and supported Will, and she didn’t flinch.
It was wrong, seeing her like this. Something inside Will cracked, just a touch. He couldn’t breathe, couldn’t process what he was seeing.
“Max.” He whispered. “Please.”
Pull yourself together, Byers!
“Just like…it’s only been two weeks. It’s insane how much we can get done in two weeks, Max. Radio show, crawls, whatever. I know it’s just a beginning, but maybe we’ll find you while we look for Vecna.” Will cleared his throat.
“We’ll never stop looking for you, Max. I know what it’s like to be unsure if there will be a rescue or whatever, but I’m on this side now, and I can say we’ll never stop looking for you. I swear it.”
Will half-wondered if this was what it was like for Joyce and Jonathan and everyone when he was gone, but squashed it. Right now, they had one goal–focus on saving Max.
She just needed to fight a little longer, a little harder, and do the impossible.
Will pressed play on the radio again.
It doesn't hurt me. Do you wanna feel how it feels? Do you wanna know, know that it doesn't hurt me? Do you wanna hear about the deal that I'm makin'?
– – –
The Night Of The First Fight.
“Dustin’s picking fights.” Will buried his head in his hands. “Lucas and Mike and I are trying to get him to stop, but it’s messing with his head. Eddie’s death rattled him so hard. I bet you’d be able to talk some sense into him.”
He paused, taking a jerky breath. “Everything’s so wrong now. Nothing feels normal. I keep getting these pricklings on the back of my neck, and it’s so stupid. I feel so stupid. I couldn’t do anything. Not when the Mindflayer was here or when Vecna took you or anything.”
Will felt tears pricking at his eyes, hot and wrong and angry.
“Why did he take you?”
Kate Bush sang in the background.
If I could, I’d make a deal with God and get him to swap our places.
“It should’ve been me.” Will choked. “Vecna already had me once. You’d be so much more useful–actually doing stuff on crawls. Mom won’t let me do anything but sit on the side.”
He bit his lip, almost tasting blood.
“I can’t stop it. Can’t stop Vecna, can’t even stop Dustin from getting hurt.”
Will swiped a hand across his eyes. “Lucas does such a good job at it, though. He stands up to the bullies. Makes everything a bit easier. You’d be proud of him. Or you’d call him stupid. I’m not sure.”
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” Will’s voice was hollow. “Or what’s wrong with you. Why you can’t wake up. I just know that I’m scared, that everyone’s scared, and nothing makes sense. We’re all pretending that it’s okay, but it’s not, and I’m so tired of it.”
He sighed. “I’m fighting more with Jonathan again. He gets high when he thinks no one’s looking or no one will notice. It’s just an escape, a crutch, a whatever, but I hate it. Nancy hates it too. It’s just like…awful, Max. Everything is awful without you.”
Will shook his head, dark hair sitting heavy on his head.
“On a different note, I think I need a haircut.”
He almost snorted at the absurdity of it. His hair hung in his eyes, almost obscuring his vision at times. Joyce usually cut it to whatever length was easiest at the time, but Will hated the bowl cuts.
“I hate the bowl cuts mom gives. Robin said she’d cut it, but I don’t know when. She and Steve are busy with their whole thing because it’s basically a full-time job with sponsors and stuff, and I don’t want to bother them.”
He laughed. “You’d say I look like a monk or something.”
Max was motionless, giving Will nothing. Her hair was messy and tangled in a way that made him wince. It wasn’t fair.
“Your hair isn’t looking too hot either, though. I’ll braid it or something next time. I know Lucas doesn’t know how, and I don’t want to explain how I know. Maybe I will. Later.”
He paused.
“I could tell you, like, all my secrets right now. You wouldn’t hear me, wouldn’t hear them, I bet. It’s like you’re not here.” His voice cracked. “And that’s the worst because I want to tell you my secrets, but like, I want to know what you think. I know I’m being a coward because you’re the only person who can’t run away from me and I can just talk to.”
Will snorted. “I don’t know if that’s selfish of me, though. But like, you’re the only person I haven’t bickered with in the past three months, so count that as a win. Not that the fights have been bad, but there’s so much tension between everyone, all the time.”
He paused.
“We’re all just stressed, though. No one really hates one another, and things aren’t like super awful. It’s just tense, and everything feels like a stick of dynamite. Maybe it’s better you’re unconscious,” he joked. “You did always antagonize everyone.”
His words were fond, but Will’s voice shook slightly.
“But, I mean, I’d take that over not having you in a heartbeat. I miss your teasing and your bullying and your no-nonsense take on, like, everything.”
A nurse poked her head in the room.
“Visiting hours are over.”
Will nodded. “Bye, Max.”
– – –
Three Weeks After The Haircut.
“It’s still a bowl-cut!” Will grumbled. “She just like, textured the fringe so it actually has some body. I think it looks good, but honestly, I can’t tell anymore.”
He ran his hand through his clipped hair, grimacing at how it still felt like his old hair and old memories. This visit was slightly different–Max was propped up with pillows. The nurses had washed her hair, leaving it loose and frizzy in untamed waves.
Will had brought a comb and some elastics with full intentions to braid her hair.
He gently worked through the tangles, talking the entire time.
“Well, only one of us should be cursed with bad hair. Also, if you tell Lucas, I’ll like kill you or something. Let him think the nurses did it.” Will rolled his eyes. “I learned how to braid on Eleven’s dolls in California.”
He paused, working through a particularly rough snarl.
“I don’t know why I did, but I liked doing it, and it made sense. It helps make things pretty, too. I just like things being pretty. Everything else is so screwed up that these small moments matter more.”
“You know, I kinda hated you at first. Which is like, so stupid because you’re like one of my best friends now.” Will set the comb down and started braiding, one strand over the other.
“I think I was just scared of everything changing, because you and Lucas were dating, and I felt like I was losing my friends. Mike had El, and Dustin had Suzy, and I just wanted them to stay the same. Then you came into the group, and you weren’t just a girlfriend, I guess.”
Will struggled for a second to find the next words.
“But like hanging out with you and everything in the mall, even with all the Mindflayer stuff–even when Dustin was like gone, and Mike and El were broken up, you still looked at me like a person.” His voice caught. “And like, you were still my friend, and change wasn’t a bad thing.”
“And when I moved to California, I knew you were mainly just doing it to stay in touch with El, and you didn’t want to be rude, but I appreciated the letters. Just updates on what you guys were doing. I felt included.” Will sniffed, tying off the first braid.
“You’re intentional, Max. And it’s perfect for Lucas, perfect for the group. It also…it also just helped remind me how special everything could be. And I hate myself for being jealous of you, just because I thought you were stealing my friends.”
Will was about halfway through the second braid by now, talking a bit faster as everything started pouring out.
“When–when, not if–you get better, maybe I’ll find the courage to say this all to your face. To tell you everything. We’re gonna fix this all, gonna fix everything. I promise.”
He tied off the second braid, admiring his handiwork. Max looked more like herself, hair neatly braided. However, her eyes were still closed and her face too expressionless. Will hated it. Gently, he lay her back down, and it was like she hadn’t moved.
His stomach twisted.
“We’re gonna get you back. I promise.”
– – –
On The Anniversary of Billy’s Death.
“He was a hero in the end.” Will trailed off. “I know you guys fought a lot, and he was just the worst, but it still sucks.”
“I don’t know how bad it was, really, when he was alive. But I just want you to know it’s like, no one’s fault but Vecna’s that he died. You don’t need to punish yourself for that.” Will sighed. “The Mindflayer sucks. Trust me. And Billy…he…he fought. We both know he wasn’t the greatest brother. I bet he left everything all over the house, too. Just like Jonathan.”
He gave a quiet, rueful laugh.
“I know you didn’t put everything in those letters, but I figured you grieved him a lot. Probably more than he deserved.” Will paused. “I don’t even know if I’m the person to be saying all this to you. I’m like. The guy who skipped town as soon as the mall blew up.”
Will took a breath. “California was hard. Jonathan was high, like all the time. It was so hard that I felt like I couldn’t breathe.”
His voice dropped to a whisper. “I felt like a coward for running away. And like, it was worse because I was trying to run away from something that was following me everywhere.”
The words died in his throat.
“Anyway. I wasn’t sure why I felt like coming here today, but figured you wouldn’t want to be alone on this day. Billy meant something to you. And losing him sucks, even if his being here might’ve sucked more.”
Will hummed along to the music. “Y’know, like…a weird thought, but we had the same name. He just was a Billy, and I’m a Will. I, like, thought about going by Billy, but it never stuck. Just was weird. It probably would’ve been really weird for you, too.” Will took a breath.
“I don’t know much about Billy, really. Maybe you could tell me about him sometime. Or don’t. I know he was awful to you. But I also know he meant a lot to you. Honestly–and I’m the biggest hypocrite in this, and you don’t know why–if something is weighing that heavy, you should tell someone.”
He trailed off, leaning back in his seat. “I wish I had more positive things to tell you, but everything’s been maddeningly mundane.”
Idly, he rewound the Kate Bush tape again.
“You could’ve picked a happier song, you know. Just like. Listening to this for hours makes me just wish I could swap our places. Maybe I can. Where there’s a will, there’s got to be a way…or something.”
He chuckled at his own joke.
“You being gone is eating at Lucas, you know. If you needed more motivation to come back. He’s almost as crazy as Dustin. It’s almost annoying, like, I have to find weird times to visit you so I can just talk and talk. It helps that he needs a break from this song, though. And it’s nice just being able to yammer on and on.” He bit his lip.
“I mean, it’s not like I don’t want Lucas to know all this, but I don’t know if I can handle someone conscious listening to me.”
Will stretched. “Mike and El are all over each other, still. It’s kinda gross. Actually, really gross. Like, how am I supposed to just be okay with my sister and best friend being like that? I can’t tell them that, though. It’d hurt their feelings. So I…I tell you, I guess. No one stopping me here.”
Will laughed ruefully.
“Max, it’s been like a year.” his voice was soft. “Come back. Please. Don’t stop fighting, don’t give up. I’m begging you, like full-on begging you to not stop fighting. I need someone else to laugh at my bad jokes and to tell Mike to shut up, and please kick Lucas when he takes the last cookie.”
The heartbeat monitor continued its steady pulsing, punctuating the silence.
“Everything is changing, Max, and I hate it. It’s changing while you’re in this weird stasis, and I can’t do anything about it. And it’s not about me or what I can do, but I miss you, and I can’t handle all this change.”
His voice broke.
“Call me selfish, but like, the change I can’t stand is the thought of losing you, too.”
And Will cried, cried because something in him broke. He didn’t want to lose another friend, another person he cared about. Cried because the whole group couldn’t handle losing another friend.
Loss meant change, and Will Byers was deeply terrified of change.
– – –
After He Killed The Demogorgons.
“I felt you.” Will sobbed, tears of grief and relief and everything hitting him at once. “You’re alive, Max. You’re in there. Stronger than any of us–you’re like. A superhero. Madmax, for real.”
He was hugging her still body, almost like he could ‘power-of-love’ her back to the real world.
“I can tap into the hive mind, now. Can stop the Demogorgons, maybe even stop Vecna.” Will hiccuped. “And when I did it tonight, I felt you. He’s so angry with you, and that means you’re still alive and still fighting and still in there.”
He gave a watery smile.
“They’re saying I’m a sorcerer now, because I’m like all powerful now. I don’t feel any different, but now I can, like, fight. Really fight. I killed three. Three! This is huge, Max. I’m gonna use it to buy you more time. Push back.”
Will released her, sitting back in the chair.
“It felt weird. There was so much pressure in the air, and then everything popped, and I just knew what to do.” He paused. “My nose bled, too. Like El’s does. I don’t know what that all means, and it’s kinda scary, but I feel like I’m doing something now.”
He stared hard at Max’s body, like her eyes were going to fly open at any time.
“I wasn’t able to save all the kids, and we’re still looking for Holly, but no one died. No one is dying, and it’s going to be okay. We can win. There’s a chance.” Will hiccuped. “You just need to keep being strong. I know it’s asking so much from you, but please hold on, Max.”
“When this is all over, we’re gonna like. Go for ice cream or something. It feels possible, Max. Feels like we could win, maybe.” He gave a watery smile. “We’re gonna do this.”
He took a breath, steadying himself.
“I’ve been talking a lot with Robin. Just about life and things. She reminds me of an older you, kinda. Just there and steady and intentional…No one could ever replace you, though.” He shook his head. “No…no one could replace you. It’s just making me miss you that much more.”
“It’s almost not fair. You’d want to be included in all this action. I mean, I say this like this is cool and something to be included in. It’s not–this is like literally the worst experiences of my life, but like, you should be here too.”
He trailed off.
“It’s not like you’re not fighting, though. I know whatever Vecna’s putting you through is probably like a million levels of hell. I just wish we could fight it with you, and that you could fight this with us. So much crap has happened in such a short amount of time, and like it’s been eighteen months, Max. Please. Wake up.”
Tears welled in his eyes, threatening to spill all over again. “Just keep doing whatever you’re doing cause it’s pissing Vecna off, and it’s buying you time.”
“We’ll be here as soon as you wake up, as soon as you make it back to us, because we’ll never give up on you. Not me or Lucas or anybody. El’s been doing crazy things–I’m sure Lucas has told you. We’re fighting here, and it just might be working.” His voice quivered, almost as if he was trying to convince himself of the words he was saying.
“Um. On a different note…like. The powers thing–it’s so cool. You’d think it’s cool too, I swear. I had all three demogorgons in the air, and then I just told them to stop, and they did. Then I just wished they’d die, and they did. I don’t know how. Or why. Actually–that’s a lie. I know why. Vecna poisoned me or something, in the week that I was gone.”
Will paused.
“I was only gone a week, Max. You’ve been gone eighteen months. You’re so strong. And like, I know I kept saying that I’d take your place, and I would. In a heartbeat. But like, I don’t know if I’d have the strength to keep fighting like you. I don’t know if any of us would. You’re the strongest of all of us.”
He bit his tongue.
“And it’s not fair, but we all need you to be stronger, just a little longer. Just like, fight a little longer.”
For the first time, in all his visits, Will squeezed her hand.
And on the flip side of reality, Max felt it.
– – –
After Everything Else.
“That was some speech.” Max said, eyes warm. “Wanna talk about it?”
Will and Max were alone in one of the many rooms of the WSQK building. Everyone had jobs to do, were puttering about, and getting ready for the final fight. The last crawl. The final battle.
In the chaos, they’d managed to slip away and take a moment to breathe. Will had a blanket wrapped around his shoulders, and Max was quietly sat in her wheelchair.
“No,” Will admitted. “That…was terrifying.”
“I can only imagine.”
“I can’t believe you’re here. You’re alive.” Will’s breath caught in his throat. “I missed you.”
Max laughed, all scratchy and tired. “Yeah. Missed you too. I haven’t like. Properly seen you since the eighth grade.”
Will’s face crumpled. “It doesn’t feel that long. I visited you a ton. And you wrote letters while I was in California!”
“I was unconscious for like, a year, Byers. It’s not fair that you got that bit of my life.” Max grinned. “I knew that you were there, though. Not like…consciously, but I knew it. I could feel it. Little things.”
“Really?” Will flushed. “I just didn’t want you to be alone, and Lucas was so sick of Kate Bush that we ended up taking shifts.”
“How dare he.” She chuckled. “I appreciate it, though. It helped bring me home. I mean, I wanted to see Lucas again, but I wanted to see my friends. Eleven and you and Mike and Dustin brought me home, too.”
Will inhaled sharply, heart twisting.
“And like, I never thanked you all for welcoming me in. You guys rallied around me and let me into your lives, and I never thanked you because I never wanted to push you out.” Max’s eyes were soft.
“Max Mayfield.” Will said, seriously, “You’re one of my best friends. I don’t want that to change.”
“And you, Will Byers, are one of mine.” Max fired back. “I know you said things to me while I was in a coma, but I don’t know what any of it was. If you wanna say it all again, I’d listen in a heartbeat. But you don’t have to. It’s enough to know that you said it once.”
“I said a lot of stuff. A lot of apologies. A lot of begging you to stay alive.” Will huffed. “But the biggest thing I said in that room back there.”
“And what you said there doesn’t change anything.” Max said firmly.
Will nodded.
“I know that, but it, like, almost doesn’t feel real. I feel like the end of the world forced everything to be faster, even when I didn’t want it to be.”
Max nodded, and Will kept going.
“For so long, I thought it’d be like private and just bit by bit. Like one day I’d tell Jonathan how much I hated it when he was high, and I’d properly apologize to you for being so jealous when you first joined. I’d say everything carefully and planned, and like, not in front of my physics teacher.” Will’s face crumpled.
“You did the best with the hand you were dealt,” Max said softly. “And I didn’t know you were jealous.”
“I’m sorry.” Will’s voice cracked. “I told you that when you were under, but I wasn’t mad at you. I just didn’t want to lose my friends or for the dynamic to change. But I know change can be good.” He wiped his eyes. “And I’m glad we’re friends.”
“Change sucks,” Max said quietly. “Change brought Billy into my life, but it also brought you guys, so I can’t really hate it that much.”
“No.” Will quirked his lips into a half-smile. “Change is necessary. And like. Necessarily evil.”
Max laughed, and Will’s chest ached because he missed that sound.
“One day, I’ll tell you everything.” Will promised.
“If we survive all this.” Max agreed.
“Ready for the end of the world, then?”
“Absolutely not. But is anyone?”
“No.”
Max grinned impishly at Will. “Then let’s fight.”
Will laughed, pulling Max into a tight hug. And for the first time in eighteen months, he felt her hugging him back.