Chapter Text
Everyone had their reactions to stress. That time when the worst possible thing happened. When everything felt like too much and there was no time to think about a solution, only react.
Raph froze.
Donnie fought.
Leo fawned.
And Mikey ran.
He’d always been a runner. Whether he was the fastest because he ran the most or if he ran the most because he was the fastest was up for debate, but when things got dicey, Mikey was out of there. He’d been so good lately at keeping things under control. Limited fighting, few and far between emotional talks, and best of all, happy siblings. It had been a while since he’d truly run from his family.
Sure he skirted awkward conversations, or left tense moments fairly quickly, but it hadn’t been a true run moment. He still wanted to argue that this wasn’t a real run moment either.
But lying to himself was harder than lying to everyone else.
And he was making really good time to the Mutanimal’s place.
Maybe he should have just gone straight there instead of hanging back to spy on the others. He couldn’t help himself, though! He knew, he knew that something was going on between them-and he was right thank you very much-something that they didn’t want him knowing about. It was his duty as the (not) youngest to figure it out through any means necessary.
He should have expected it to be about him. He had. He just hadn’t actually been ready for it.
Urgh, why did they have to still be on about this? Mikey didn’t need their help! He was handling things fine on his own, and they really ought to keep focusing on themselves. They all had so much going on. They didn’t need to focus on Mikey.
(Please stop focusing on him.)
Mikey stumbled over a loose rock, losing his footing and falling into a roll with the momentum. With barely a thought, Mikey popped back up and kept running.
He didn’t want to be here.
The sewer walls felt like they were closing in on him. Every step on the damp ground felt like tendrils reaching out to drag him back.
He couldn’t go back.
He needed to get out. Needed a break. Needed to calm down.
He couldn’t help anyone if he was freaking out.
Another familiar bend was coming up, and Mikey finally slowed down, smacking his fists against the sides of his legs to try and fight back the tingling feeling that was trying to creep back in. The idea of the impacts echoes through his body, much needed stimulation helping to reel in his racing thoughts and too fast breath as well.
Calm down.
Get his breathing under control.
Tamp down the feeling of bugs in his skin and slap on a smile.
With a casual saunter, Mikey walked around the final turn to get to the sewer entrance to the Mutanimal’s base, not bothering to knock as he punched in the access code he’d memorized ages ago. The door split open with a soft whoosh, revealing the welcoming living area beyond.
The empty welcoming living area. Mikey’s grin tightened on his face.
Pizza Supreme, he hoped that Leatherhead was home. If not, he was going to freaking lose it.
Mikey shuffled through the empty room, purposefully dragging his feet so he could hear his own footsteps. As he made his way closer to his destination, he started to pick up the soft, gravely voice of his friend, on and off, one half of a conversation. Mikey’s shoulders hiked up against his will.
There was a brief battle between forcing his shoulders back down or keeping the smile on his face. Mikey got to Leatherhead’s room defeated, shoulders tense and smile pulled tight.
He opened the door without knocking, easily finding the larger mutant in the comparatively small room. Leatherhead turned at the noise, a relieved smile forming even before he saw Mikey, his phone held up to the side of his face.
“Do not worry, my friends, he is here.” All of Mikey’s worst fears were confirmed with that sentence and his smile finally fell into an angry pout. They were already calling after him? Geez, no peace around here. Leatherhead gave a few more platitudes to Mikey’s family, reassuring them that Mikey was okay and that they didn’t need to rush over, that Leatherhead would handle things. Mikey made his way to his friend’s oversized bed as Leatherhead said goodbye, flopping face first into the pillows and finally letting out the bubbling frustration in a muffled scream, kicking his feet wildly as he did so.
Bad. Everything was bad today. He knew something was going on. He should have just ignored it and headed here when he said he would. Now he’d made a mess of things again and his family was going to be even more on his case.
Classic Mikey.
The bed dipped next to him when he ran out of air to keep screaming. Leatherhead waited until Mikey turned his face to the side before he spoke.
“How are you, my friend?”
Mikey groaned, flipping himself onto his shell and dragging his hands down his face. Why did he react the way he had? He knew his family would be talking about him, that’s why he’d eavesdropped in the first place! He’d totally overreacted. It wasn’t like they’d even said anything bad.
But they had been talking about him. Without him there. They were going to make a plan to force him to talk about stuff he didn’t need to talk about. They wanted to make more problems. Mikey had enough to deal with, he didn’t need that right now. Why were they trying to make things complicated? And then they’d tried to make things sound okay, like they were trying to help Mikey.
He knew they thought they were helping, but they weren’t.
And Donnie was the instigator for all of this. Raph wasn’t far behind. Why couldn’t they both be more like Lee? Lee was always good at sticking to her own business. She only bugged Mikey when he was annoying everyone else.
Donnie had been trying to get on Mikey’s good side for months at this point.
Raph had been bugging Mikey about opening up ever since he’d let it slip that he had nerve damage.
Lee had jumped on board once the others had brought it up. Or maybe it had been when Mikey had been a little too honest when she’d asked how Mikey got up in the morning during one of her worse days.
Mikey could barely even hang out with Casey anymore without the older dude getting on his case. Not to mention Casey had been the one to throw him under the bus back when Raph had been going through his breakdown. Tensions had already been high, but at least the focus on Raph had helped him divert attention again. Casey was a good friend, but he was always on Raph’s side first.
April was almost better than Mikey himself at uncovering and solving family problems. The moment the others (mostly Donnie) had brought up that they were worried about Mikey (which they totally didn’t need to be) things between them had shifted. She was subtle about it, but every conversation with her now had undertones of digging for answers.
It was exhausting.
“I see,” Leatherhead’s amused rumble brought Mikey back to the present, his mind refocusing on the here and now. He pouted at his friend, who simply held out a large hand in response. Oh. Mikey had been rubbing again. With an exaggerated sigh, Mikey stopped the rough movement of his hand against his arm before pushing himself up to sit next to Leatherhead. The larger mutant gently took the tingling arm and began the usual massage, soothing Mikey’s agitated nerves and relieving the dull ache he had tuned out hours ago. “Tell me your thoughts,” he requested.
A hundred thoughts slammed into Mikey’s mind all at once, a wave of emotions building up as his filter fell away. The scowl he’d been barely holding back broke through.
“Why do they gotta be all up in my business?” His voice came out more bitter than he’d expected, but this was Leatherhead. Leatherhead had seen much worse from Mikey anyway. Eh. “Like, dude, I didn’t do anything! I haven’t been weird, or done anything bad-” Leatherhead grunts at that but Mikey ignored him, he hasn’t done anything bad, “I haven’t even been acting weird! Or, like, not that weird. If I’m being weird it’s because they’re all being weird! Why is everyone acting like this suddenly? I mean, sure, trauma and whatever, but that’s nothing new, so why is it coming up now? Did everyone just randomly forget how to cope? And it’s only gotten worse! Raph was always gonna have a moment, it’s Raph. But Lee, too? I’m glad she finally came out but she’s always kept her problems to herself, and is usually pretty good at handling it by herself! And Donnie? Donnie’s being open about his mental state? Since when does that happen!? And why do I have to get dragged into it, too? Dude, that is so unfair on so many levels.”
The word vomit spilled out, thoughts to words in an instant and unable to hold anything back. The dump didn’t stop the racing thoughts, though, and Mikey’s mind continued to run even as he forced his mouth shut again. Leatherhead could put up with a lot, but that didn’t mean he needed all of Mikey at once. Leatherhead was the listen and then give his own thoughts kinda guy, but Mikey had to be sure to make a space for the big guy to pipe up.
“I believe they are simply worried for you, Michelangelo.”
Just because he made sure to let Leatherhead voice his own thoughts, didn’t mean Mikey had to like what he said.
“Why!? What have I done to make them so worried? Nothing’s happened recently except them! I’m not injured or kickin’ ass right now, so what’s up with them?” Mikey knew he was on the brink of whining, but he felt like this was a very reasonable thing to whine about.
The larger mutant hummed and gave Mikey his arm back, motioning for the other arm and beginning the same massage techniques he’d used on the first. Mikey shifted around so that he could hold out his arm at a better angle, flexing and stretching his free arm as he did so. Wow, tingling, almost zero. Aching muscles? Completely tenderized. Donnie’s research and insistence that they do something about Mikey’s numb arms was good for something at least. Arm massages were actually magical.
“Trauma doesn’t always make itself known in the moment,” Leatherhead finally responded, his attention focused on the motions of his hands. “It often takes time for problems to arise, and longer to accept and treat the damage that has been done to a mind.”
The massage stopped, and Mikey reluctantly looked up to make eye contact with his friend. Intense amber eyes locked him in place, dredging up the feeling of being lectured by Dad or Donnie.
“We know this better than most, my friend. It was your patience and kindness that has helped me recover from my flashbacks as well as I have. Why do you not have the same compassion for yourself and your family?”
Wow, call out much? Mikey tamped down whatever guilt that tried to bubble up.
“It’s different,” he insisted. The thought wave came back tenfold, except every one of those ten waves was going a different direction. “You’re amazing, dude! And, you didn’t ask for help I just- not that asking for help is bad but- but you were already handling it on your own, and doing a great job by the way- but the thing is- I want to help them! I can help! It’s okay if they need help- but there’s just so much and then they try to turn it back on me and -”
“And you don’t think you need help.”
“I don’t.” His arm twitched with a muscle spasm that Mikey blamed entirely on how tense he’d been all day. And right now. Right now specifically because it was happening right now. He was leveled with a judgemental stare from across a long snout and Mikey took note of whatever the heck his face was doing. That wasn’t right. Relax the muscles, all around-he didn’t need more spasms right now with Leatherhead watching-lean back a little, soften his eyes, bring back his smile and make his voice a little higher and lighter again. “I don’t!”
The judgmental stare turned to a deadpan instead. Mikey didn’t acknowledge it.
“For real, LH, I’m chill. We dealt with all that stuff, remember?”
Leatherhead signed and turned back to his self assigned task of arm massager. Mikey popped his chin into his unoccupied hand, drumming his fingers against his cheek as he waited for Leatherhead to say whatever he was gonna say. He could totally be patient. Take that Donnie.
“We’ve talked some about things that happened in Dimension X,” Leatherhead didn’t hold back the snarl that came out with the name of his prison, even as Mikey suppressed his own flinch at the name, keeping his reaction to a brief narrowing of his eyes. After taking a moment to breathe, Leatherhead continued, “but our trauma wasn’t solved overnight, Michelangelo. I know there’s more that you haven’t told me about.”
“That’s because there’s nothing to talk about, dude,” Mikey grinned, pushing aside the voices that wanted to list all the things that hurt. Those didn’t count. Those were just a part of life. Whatever, get over it. Mikey had much more important things to focus on. “Look, LH, my man, I’m good! Happiness is a choice or whatever, and I just choose to be happy all the time! Why bother worrying about things that happened forever ago? Or a few hours? It’s over, big whoop. Time to be happy.”
Mikey’s smile pulled at his cheeks, his own words tasted bitter in his mouth. That was fine. Didn’t make it any less true. He needed to be happy right now. He needed to be happy. He needed to be happy because if he wasn’t happy then-
“Choosing to be happy and pretending to be happy are very different things, my friend.”
The tenseness was back and Mikey went through the process to loosen up again. Leatherhead didn’t speak up again, even in the uncomfortable stretch of time left between them as Mikey rewired his body. That… that was fine. Mikey could deal with that. It wasn’t like Mikey was faking it all the time. He was a generally bubbly dude! Nothing wrong with that.
So what if sometimes he pushed everything else aside to be that bubbly? Couldn’t be bubbly with stuff weighing him down. That’d be, like, the opposite of what he’s going for. Besides, fake it ‘til you make it, right?
But maybe a change in subject would be nice.
“So, what are the other Mutanimals up to?” Mikey asked casually, avoiding the side eye that got him. Luckily, Leatherhead didn’t call him out on it. Or unluckily? No, no, definitely luckily. That conversation just got him all messed up was all. Definitely luckily.
“Out on a food run I believe. Perhaps doing other errands as well.”
“Even Slash?”
“He’s there to keep Jason in line.”
“Ah. I thought that was your job? Have I finally rubbed off on you LH, skirting responsibility?”
Leatherhead’s hands slowed to a stop, completing the massage. He carefully lowered Mikey’s arm before he leaned forward, as if about to share a secret. The alligator’s eyes sparkled with mirth and there was a sly smile spread across his snout. Mikey leaned in close excitedly, his smile more comfortable on his face now.
“He lost at rock, paper, scissors.” The buildup and flat delivery punched a sharp laugh out of Mikey’s chest, several more following before he managed to let out a cheer for his friends’ success. Leatherhead just smiled through the exchange, looking far too pleased with himself.
“Whoo!” Mikey leapt to his feet as he continued to hype the big guy up, grabbing him by the shoulders and attempting to shake the bigger mutant around. He ended up mostly shaking himself, but the effect was there! “That’s my best bud! Rock, paper, scissors champ!”
His over the top reaction had the desired effect and Leatherhead chuckled, hiding his eyes behind a hand as his embarrassment grew. Mikey gave himself a mental pat on the back as he continued his praise, further derailing the previous conversation and distracting himself from the lingering bad feelings from catching his family.
This was better. This was good.
Mikey could be happy.
****
Unfortunately, Mikey had to go back eventually. Someone had to make sure Lee and Donnie ate. Raph would just feed everyone protein drinks if Mikey wasn’t around, and he refused to let that become a reality.
Lee was still building back her weight, Mikey wasn’t going to put her at risk again just because he messed up again.
Ugh, he really shouldn't have stayed back… oh well. It didn’t matter anymore. It happened. Move on. Dinner. Bring the mood back up, then maybe he could put on a movie or zone out while Lee watched Space Heroes. Everything would be fine!
His trek back to the Lair was much slower than his frantic sprint away from it.
He dragged his heels against the rough concrete below him, focusing on the way it felt against his dulled nerves. It almost tickled, but that wasn’t quite the right description. Hmm. Another drag. Weird. It felt weird but in a good way. It was fun. And distracting.
The edge of the turnstiles was barely visible around the next bend. Mikey picked up his feet, adding a little skip in his step and stretching a grin across his face. Just in time, too. His next step revealed Raph leaning against a wall, knitting needles in hand and a basket to hold his yarn sitting on the turnstile next to him.
Great. Just what Mikey wanted, a welcoming committee.
Time to put on a show, then.
“Raph!” He called out happily, picking up the pace and waving. A curl of justified satisfaction made his smile a little sharper as Raph flinched at the sudden, loud sound. His brother cursed as he messed up a stitch and had to put his tools down, a wary glare sent Mikey’s way. “Hey, bro! What are you doing out here?”
Mikey came to a stop just out of Raph’s reach, right where he’s able to annoy Raph the most. His grin widened at the way Raph’s eye twitched.
“I’m waiting for you, bozo, whaddaya think?” Oh good, he’s already on Raph’s nerves. This won’t take long then. “What was that back there? Why aren’t you answering anybody’s texts or calls?”
What? He hadn’t gotten any- wait had he even taken his t-phone with him? Mikey’s eyes blew wide as he patted down his belt. No phone. Well that would explain a lot. He could use that. With an exaggerated groan, Mikey bonked his own head with the heel of his hand.
“Dude!” He exclaimed. “I totally left it in the kitchen! Or my room, or the couch or- anyway, that’s why I came back earlier. Guess I forgot it again, heh.” With a sheepish laugh, Mikey hunched his shoulders and rubbed the back of his head. Raph fell for it hook, line, and sinker (what even was a sinker? The little plastic thing that floated on top? Then why is it called a sinker-). With a drawn out sigh, Raph gave up the fight.
“Of course ya did.” Mikey wasn’t sure if he should be proud or guilty that Raph took that explanation so quickly. Eh, he’s got more important things to focus on.
“Yeah, sorry ‘bout that, dude. I’m gonna go make dinner now, though, hopefully find my phone in the process. Got any requests?” He was already turning away, ready to retreat to the safety of the kitchen but Raph latched onto his wrist before he could escape.
Crud.
“Mikey.” Double crud. Raph was using his name instead of an insult and sounded serious. “Please.” Triple crud. “Don’t do this right now.”
Mikey looked at him over his shoulder, letting his head cock to one side.
“Do what? Because I’m pretty sure you want me to make dinner, dude.” Playing dumb came naturally, he was the dumb one afterall.
“Not the- can you forget about dinner for a second!? I’m trying to talk to you, dumbass!” Ah, back on track. Mikey grins.
“No can do, bro. I’m always thinking about dinner!” All he has to do is raise his voice just a little too much to really sell it. Raph lets go of him to facepalm and Mikey does a little victory dance in his head. Dang, those are some good mental moves. Maybe he’ll have to do an actual victory dance once he gets to the kitchen.
“Fine, fine!” Raph throws his hands up and starts gathering his stuff. “You wanna be difficult, fine. Just- just let me know if you need anything. Okay?”
Serious green eyes catch Mikey’s own, holding him in place for an extra moment. He grinned wider and squeezed his eyes shut to block out the sincerity in Raph’s look.
“Of course, dude! I’ll call ya when dinner’s done!” He didn’t run away from the encounter after that. Mikey was just excited to get to the kitchen, that was all. That didn’t count as running.
He was just busy. He needed to go make dinner. That wasn’t running, that was just life.
He finally made it to the kitchen, his safe space, his escape.
Mikey wasn’t running. But he did run straight into Lee when he rushed through the doorway. That was just his luck. The one time Lee wasn’t avoiding the kitchen like the plague.
Damnit.
“Hey, Lee!”
“Mikey! Are you-”
“Sorry I got back so late,” Mikey pushed past the eldest, already pulling things out to start cooking. What was he going to make? He’d forgotten to plan on his walk back, his mind had been full of other things instead. Hmm, maybe a classic, something that everyone liked. “Dinner shouldn’t be too long. I’m making ramen!”
Ramen could fix anything. That was something Dad had taught him and Mikey was still a firm believer in that.
“Oh, that sounds good. I wasn’t sure when you’d be back so I was going to… um,” Lee trailed off, sounding more unsure than Mikey had heard her in a while. Ugh, she was just getting back to being the confident leader since her transition! Why was all of this happening now? Mikey did not need this right now. Also, was she seriously thinking of cooking dinner for everyone? That could only end poorly. “Did you want any help?”
“Nah, I’m good!” Mikey chirped back, using the vegetables he was chopping as an excuse not to turn around and face Lee. If he looked her in the eyes he knew that she’d see more than he ever wanted her to. He just needed everyone out of his space for a minute. Just while he made dinner. He just needed a moment to breathe, then he could face his family again. Mikey started to hum, the volume steadily building as he got into it.
He didn’t hear Lee’s footsteps when she left, but he felt the absence of eyes on the back of his head, and he allowed his shoulders to drop a little. The kitchen was filled with the sound of the dull thunk of the knife against the cutting board and the water beginning to bubble, barely audible over the sound of whatever tune Mikey was humming at the moment. Something familiar, but not something he could palace. Probably a song he’d heard recently.
Vegetables were added to the pot, the broth was seasoned, noodles prepped, eggs boiling in another pot. All the pieces were assembled, all Mikey had to do was wait and add things as necessary.
Everything was good.
“Mikey.”
“Ah!” Mikey nearly jumped out of his skin at the sound of Donnie’s voice. What was this? Ambush Mikey day? He had done it first on their stupid meeting earlier but still… Mikey clutched his chest dramatically as he leaned against the counter. “Dude! Not cool man, you scared the shell outta me!” He covered his annoyance with a whine.
Donnie’s mouth pursed, his eyes scanning over Mikey. Uh oh. He was being studied.
“Mikey, can we talk?”
Ah-
“Sorry, Dee,” Mikey flipped back around to his cooking, moving the remaining ingredients around as he tried to look busy. “I’m kinda busy making dinner right now.”
His brother’s footsteps seemed loud now in the absence of Mikey’s obnoxious humming. Donnie rested his arms against the counter near Mikey’s set up. Not too close, not too far. Mikey suddenly felt like a wild animal and Donnie was acting like he might lash out or bolt at the wrong move.
Maybe he would.
But nah. That would be way too dramatic for this! Mikey was chill. He could handle a little chat with his brother. This would be fine. Mikey grinned and smothered the growing panic, opening his mouth to convince Donnie to get out of his kitchen.
For once, he was too slow.
“Let me rephrase. Mikey, we need to talk. You haven’t put the noodles in yet, and everything else is already prepped. Even if you put the noodles in now we have at least three or four minutes, but I’m guessing your vegetables aren’t ready yet anyway, so we’ve got longer than that. That’s enough time for something.” Donnie spoke calmly, shifting until he was facing Mikey. The shorter turtle stared resolutely ahead as his mouth snapped shut. He didn’t have a rebuttal for that and Donnie knew it.
There was nowhere to run this time.
Just to prove a point, or maybe out of spite at this point, Mikey tossed the noodles into the pot, never losing his smile. When Mikey didn’t try to respond further, Donnie continued.
“Mikey,” he paused like he was waiting for Mikey to look at him. Ha! Tough luck, bucko, Mikey was intent on making sure his noodles were evenly spread in the broth. Donnie sighed. “I’m sorry.”
Eugh. A shiver went through Mikey’s body at the sincerity in Donnie’s voice and sent fresh tingles through his limbs. He’d never get used to hearing any of his siblings actually apologizing. It was weird. What was Donnie even apologizing for? That was dumb!
“It was my idea to have that meeting, and I know you don’t like being left out. I shouldn’t have done that, and I’m sorry.” Ice flooded Mikey’s veins at Donnie’s confession. Of course. Of course it was Donnie’s idea. He’d been the most gun-ho about figuring out how Mikey’s brain worked recently, and Mikey was not a fan. Even Raph’s tough love approach was better. Or, why couldn’t they all be more like Lee with her ignore it until it goes away approach! Mikey liked that.
Mikey still forced his smile into something more sincere and finally looked at his brother
“Thanks, Dee, that means a lot. Really.”
Please believe him. Please please please-
“I’m not sorry about worrying about you, though.” Aaaaaand there it was. Mikey felt frozen to the spot. The ice had crystalized in his blood and now he was a statue. This was how he died. Hamato Michelangelo, died of frostbite in his own home because he couldn’t keep it together- “I want to be there for you and help you, like you have been for us. I don’t think any of us have been thankful enough to you for everything the past couple years.”
Right, sure. Just the last couple years. Okay.
“Will you please talk to me, Mikey? You’ve always told me everything before. I-I miss that. I wish I could just see into your head and know how to help but I can’t and I don’t know what to do. I miss you, Mikey. I just wish I knew how to help. Please let me help.”
What? What was all that? Where did that come from?
When was the last time Mikey had actually told Donnie everything? Most of the time he would just ramble until he got kicked out of Donnie’s lab. And Donnie wanted to help? With what?
Mikey didn’t need help.
He was okay.
He had to be.
If he wasn’t okay then-
Mikey smiled wide, bumping Donnie with his elbow.
“Donnie, dude, you need to chill. I’m good! You know I’m an open book!” Donnie’s face fell at Mikey’s response, an ugly, uncomfortable feeling twisting in Mikey’s gut. He shouldn’t feel bad. If anything, things should be better by him saying that! Donnie should be grateful Mikey isn’t making him deal with Mikey’s problems. Which he is totally over.
Anything bad happened a while ago. Plenty of time to get over it.
He also totally wasn’t still freaking out over his brothers struggling so much recently. Not at all. That wasn’t his trauma, it had no effect on him. Totally. He was just upset he couldn’t help them more. That’s all.
That was all.
“Mikey-” Donnie took a step closer, but Mikey quickly pulled the noodles off the stove. Just in time.
“Dinner’s ready!” He called out the door before placing the noodles on the table. He walked past Donnie again to gather bowls and the remaining toppings for their meal. Donnie sighed in defeat, slinking over to the table and sitting in his usual spot. Lee and Raph filtered in soon after, and soon all three of Mikey’s siblings were sitting uncomfortably around the table, watching Mikey with wary eyes.
Mikey made sure to talk extra loud that night, filling any silences with his own exuberant voice.