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Whenever someone has a dream about another person they never seem to fully get their features right. They look distorted, twisted, not like them. Then again dreams are only memories put together to make a picture book to entertain the mind when the body isn’t conscious. Friends, family, loved ones. They were never the same in a dream. Fu never understood it. Couldn’t really, no matter how many times he tried to change Hiis appearance in his head (just out of curiosity), he always looked the same. Why? Many people couldn’t even remember what they look (looked?) like in a dream. Yet Hii and him were always the same. Why? Fu couldn’t even remember the Raiders that much. He could remember himself well enough without a problem in a dream. He didn’t like it. It felt weird, wrong, not normal. Then there was Hii. Hii showed up the same every time. Hii was always the same. Hii wasn’t just a doll here. Hii looked perfect. Hii was perfect. Hii was everything Fu wanted to be… but Hii is Fu and Fu is Hii, in a way. It didn’t make sense but it felt like looking at a mirror that reflected a better version of yourself and no matter what you do or how hard you try you can never be that person.
“You’re over thinking things again.” Hii’s voice rose from his chest.
Right. He wasn’t actually asleep yet. Too busy overthinking about what looks wrong and what’s supposed to be right. “Sorry.” Fu mumbled as he pulled the cursed doll close to his chest.
It wasn’t necessarily late at night but it was getting there. Everyone else would have been or rather is asleep by now. Tonight just felt off. Fu didn’t need orders to go to sleep, though when stressed out like this he might as well need some. He didn’t even know how or why he stressed himself out so much tonight. Nothing bad had happened today, it felt normal, with chores and normal daily task. Maybe he just had too much energy left? He shouldn’t. Maybe he was just scared to face Hii in that dream world again. It’s not like he messed anything up or got in a fight with the guy. So why? Why was he so scared. Even if Hii wasn’t in the real world Fu swore he can feel Hii’s eyes stabbing into him like daggers. He hated the feeling. Yet Fu knew if he were to stay up any longer he would definitely make Hii pretty upset.
He should just try to sleep. Close his eyes, breathe in and out, be calm as he can even if it was just acting. All he could really do now was hold Hii’s doll closer. He was for sure it wasn’t gonna work. He’ll just end up staying up and having to hear Hii belittle him about not sleeping. Though it had surprisingly worked.
“Took a while tonight, dontcha think?” Hii huffed. When Fu opened his eyes once again he was back in this same dream space. Everything was black, maybe a red hue if you looked up and squinted. It was like being trapped in a dark room where no one can hear you. Anyone but Hii that is.
“Sorry. I- uh” Fu sighed “not sure what kept me up so long.” He said while looking around to try and find Hii. “You’re not mad are you?” He questioned. Usually Hii would be standing far off or strangely close, but when Fu looked around for him he couldn’t find him. Crap. Hii must be mad at him for something. Was it because he was weak? Did Hii finally want someone who was better? He probably wanted someone stronger. Less pathetic, someone who can do things on their own without having to take orders. Fu hadn’t even noticed that he was shaking a bit. Why was he so scared of Hii? Hii couldn’t do anything but take control of his body and even if he were to take control he would need permission or orders himself. Hii couldn’t even hurt him in this dream world and even if he wanted to he wouldn’t.
“Geez you’re a baby aren’t you.” Hii signed loudly. Fu quickly turned his head to the direction of where the voice came from and finally let himself breathe when he saw Hii standing off in the distance, though the moment of relief was short lived. “You’re not- uh..mad at me are you?” Fu asked with a slight shaky voice. “I mean, you didn’t really or rather um.. Augh I don’t know! You usually disappear like that when you’re mad or upset about something! I didn’t mean to make you upset if you are.”
Hii just stared at Fu for an unnaturally long time. The type of stare that would make anyone uncomfortable, especially Fu. “I’m not mad” Hii stated.
Fu fidgeted with the hem of his shirt. “are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
Fu groaned before reluctantly walking over to Hii. He didn’t even know what he was doing. Hii wasn’t telling him to come over, he was fine where he was. Oh man. Why was he moving closer.
“You’re acting a bit weird tonight, don’t ya thi-“
Hii was cut off when Fu suddenly hugged him. It was a bit rushed….awkward in a way, for Hii at least. Right….a hug. What people do when they’re close with each other. Well he definitely was close to Fu. Just haven’t gotten used to it but he still tried to show the emotions Fu showed him. Though he always felt like Fu was hiding something more. Hii was so lost in thought he didn’t even notice Fu was shaking again. Maybe even crying? Hii didn’t know how to respond. Couldn’t really. He always ended up saying the same thing when times like these happen.
“You’ll be fine. Nothings wrong. You’re just overthinking. I’m right here if anything happens.”
He really needed to find new words to say to Fu during these breakdowns.
“I know you’re upset with me, Hii!” Fu groaned. His tears would have soaked Hii’s shirt, but this is a dream. No matter how much he wanted to cry he couldn’t bring himself to. It was like trying to run but you only end up going slower. You can put in as much effort as you can and get no where. In this case all Fu can do was make a noise but nothing would come out.
“I told you I’m not.” Hii huffed. At this rate he might as well start getting upset, but he truly can’t be mad at this moment. In reality, in this reality, he was just more annoyed than angry. Only annoyed that Fu didn’t go to sleep earlier in the night to come see him. That’s how he viewed it at least.
“You are. I know you are.” Fu chocked. It felt like he couldn’t breathe. No matter how much he breathed in it never felt like enough. Maybe he really is pathetic. He’s not good enough for Hii. He’ll never be good enough. He wanted to be like Hii. He wants to be something opposite of what he is.
“Fu. I’m not mad at you. I was….just annoyed that-“ Hii groaned. Almost embarrassed about what he was gonna say. Sounded like he cared too much about Fu, but he did. He did care to much for him. “Annoyed that you wouldn’t go to sleep. I just felt like you were avoiding going to sleep. Avoiding seeing me. You know?”
“Right. I’m sorry. You really don’t need me. You should have found someone better.” Fu whined as his grip on Hii’s shirt got tighter. He didn’t really make sense when he got this way. Found every little excuse to apologize to Hii. Found ways to put himself down even if he didn’t attend to.
“I chose you because I wanted to.”
“You should have chosen better-“
“I know the choice I made and I wanted to choose you.”
“You still shouldn’t have. I can’t even do anything without being ordered around.”
“Yet you still managed to be something that interested me.”
“I’m not….normal I’m not something someone wants around. Not even the boss wants me around unless I have you in control. I’m not.. you.”
It was quiet for a while after Fu said that. That’s when Hii finally decided to move. He didn’t move away or make Fu let go of him. He surprisingly moved closer, wrapped his arms around Fu. He couldn’t say “I like you. I love you.” Because he’d be lying if he told that to Fu. Hii didn’t even like it when Fu tried saying those things to him. He wanted to understand the emotions humans felt. What Fu felt, but no matter how hard he tried to comprehend it he couldn’t. He couldn’t feel it, he didn’t understand why humans showed those emotions to each other. Didn’t understand why Fu ‘loved’ him. He wasn’t sure if being loved was actually a good thing.
Fu tried explaining it to Hii once. Hii didn’t like it. Having to hear that when someone loves someone else while willing to do anything to make the other person like them back. That people actually liked when others liked them. When others expressed love towards them. Sounded selfish and gross. Why would anyone want that, but when Fu showed it. Hii didn’t really know what to do with himself. He didn’t want to encourage it. Yet Fu always found a way to show Hii human emotions. Sadness, happiness, rare anger, and…love. The best Hii could do to even try returning the same emotion was touch. Every time Fu hugged him, held him, touch him. He returned it. It wasn’t sweet or with the same feeling of love Fu showed but he still tried. He liked talking with Fu. Even when the guy would put himself down so much he still wanted to comfort him, be there, talk to him, protect him. The more he thought about it the more he felt like he was being weird and controlling. If he ever truly understood love. If he ever felt the same way towards Fu. He’d be scared he wouldn’t know how to stop loving. (Ref clip that)
“You don’t need to be me.”
It was silent after that. Fu didn’t argue back because he knew Hii was right. Maybe he was overthinking it all. One thing he knows for sure is that he’s lucky to have Hii. He wouldn’t know what to do without him.
They stayed like that for the rest of the night. Fu wished it had been longer. Just holding each other. Feeling whatever warmth Hii able to give. Fu liked it a lot. It was the longest he was able to hold Hii without him pushing away after 2 minutes. Though the hours started to feel like minutes. He wanted to stay longer. Pressed up against Hii. With Hii. For Hii to hold him and never let go. He was fine with this. He was grateful to be holding Hii for this long, until he woke up that is.
Everything started to feel fuzzy. His eyesight became blurry. Everything felt cold. His body felt like it was buzzing. He didn’t want to let go, not yet, they’d been like this for hours but he still wanted more, needed more. Yet he still woke up.
Fu quickly sat up and looked around. Obviously Hii wouldn’t be there but he still hoped he would magically show up. Everything felt normal for once. Well as normal as being in the raiders can get that is. With a tired sigh Fu picked up the doll, or rather Hii. They both were quiet as Fu just stared at Hii. It felt uncomfortably long. Like one way waiting for the other to speak but neither of them did.
“Thank you.” Fu muttered before trying to hide his embarrassed face with his hand. He didn’t like being so… informal? With Hii like this, in this type of form. “ for uh- letting me hold onto you like that. You never let me hold you for that long”
“Well don’t get use to it.”
Fu removed his hand before smiling. “I won’t. I promise.”
It was quiet again. This time Fu started feeling obligated to say something more than just a thank you. This time he brought Hii a little closer to his face. Only inches apart.
“I lov-“
“Stop.”
There it was. He’d forgotten Hii doesn’t like it when he tells him stuff like that. It was so true though. He really did love Hii, even if it seemed weird to an outsider’s perspective.
“I-“
“I don’t want to hear it.”
“I know you don’t but I really do lo- Augh I really do appreciate you.”
“I know that. Just stop saying it.”
“I will! I’m just… grateful to have you that’s all.”