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"Val. This is stupid."
"I agree with V, babes. This has got to be a record for dumb ideas."
"Shush, both of you! I'm almost done." A few more uncomfortable tugs on the stretchy cords Valentino had wrapped around Vox's head and Valentino stepped back with a wide grin, gesturing with all four hands to the segway he had tied Vox's head to. "Perfection!"
Velvette stifled a laugh, lips pursed and cheeks puffed out as she fought to contain her giggles. Vox let out a low and miserable groan. How the mighty had fallen.
It was an abomination. A monstrosity. An affront to mankind. Fucking bedazzled on every available surface with a fucking basket sitting just under Vox's head and glittery rainbow streamers on the handlebars. The wheels lit up too. It had a fucking bicycle bell.
Val said its name was Julieta.
Valentino climbed up onto his mount, still smiling like a self-satisfied idiot. Val was already tall on a normal day, but now with his heeled boots and the lift from the oversized wheels of the segway, he added nearly another two feet to his height. He dumped Moneyshot into the basket, along with several condoms, a bottle of lube, and a dildo Vox prayed was clean. The segway beeped as it turned on—it was the only thing turned on by any of this—humming softly as it powered up. Val poked at the controls and it jerked forward sharply, stuttering a couple feet at a time. Val made a little choking noise and gripped the handlebars in an attempt to steer it. The segway twitched erratically and Velvette ducked out of the way when they shot forward several feet, knocking into the back of the couch. Another jerk and they rolled backwards only to crash into the table and lamp seconds later. Velvette saved the lamp from hitting the ground. The segway swerved and Vox yelped when they spun in several wild flailing circles before Valentino brought them to a stop.
"Val, do you even know how to fucking drive this thing?!" Vox squawked. If he still had a fucking body, his heart would be going so fucking fast, he just knows it.
"Shut up, Voxxy! I know what I'm doing!"
"Vel…" Vox whined.
"Don't look at me, babe," she said, not even raising her eyes to him. "I'm not having any part in this nonsense."
"Except recording it, apparently," Vox mumbled, eyeing the phone held up towards them. "Can you please just tell him to—ow!" He growled as Val shoved a cord into one of his ports, connecting it up to his phone which he settled in the handlebar slot. "Val, what the fu—!"
Vox was cut off by the horn instrumental from La Cucaracha blaring from his speakers.
"Fuck my life," Vox sighed.
The segway whirred again. Val excitedly waved at Velvette. "See you later, doll! I'm off to do big important CEO things!"
Velvette rolled her eyes. "Right. And what might those be? Because if you'd actually looked at your schedule, you would have known you've already missed three meetings and an interview while you were busy doing…this." She gestured her hand at Vox's sad existence.
"WHAT?!" Vox screeched. "VAL!"
Valentino huffed. "Ugh, you're both so uptight. Bye, chica!"
He didn't even make it out the door, smacking face first into the top of the doorframe and toppling backwards off the segway with a satisfying (to Vox) THUD.
Vox cackled. "Serves you fucking ri—ACK!" Without Valentino to counterbalance for him and no arms to speak of to balance himself, Vox tipped forward. The only thing that stopped him from hitting the ground hard enough to shatter his screen was the fucking basket. Thank fuck for stupid miracles, or some shit like that. Still hurt though.
Velvette fell over laughing.
—
Probably the worst thing about this—besides literally everything else—was that Vox couldn't hide. He could do nothing to conceal his shame as Val sailed through the hallways of VoxTek, wings flowing elegantly behind him like a cape as he crashed into every possible obstacle and ran over employees to the tune of La Cucaracha. Vox's screen may have been permanently stuck in an obnoxiously bright shade of cyan from the force of his blush, but that could also have been damage from Val colliding with every wall in the building.
Eventually they arrived at the porn studio. Valentino made a valiant effort to roll around the studio on his noble steed, but after the third camera was knocked over due to cords getting tangled up in the wheels (sending both Vox and Valentino to the ground in the process each time), Vox was left propped up against the wall of the studio, sad and alone and wallowing in his misery.
This was fucking humiliating.
"Um, are you guys sure about this?" someone whispered.
"Oh, absolutely. It's really important that Mr. Vox get his exercise, even when he's grumpy about it. Mr. Valentino will be so happy you took the initiative to take care of Mr. Vox! You want to get on the boss' good side, don't you, newbie?"
"I mean I guess so."
Vox was far too distracted by his wallowing to notice the impending danger until it was already upon him, letting out a yelp of surprise when he was suddenly pulled off the wall. At first he thought it was Val, only to be greeted with the sight of some random mole Sinner he didn't recognize.
"Who the fuck are you?! What the fuck do you think you're doing?!"
The mole flustered. "I-I-I-I um I'm Roger, Mr. Vox, sir. I'm-they-they said you need to get your exercise, sir."
"My what?!"
"It's good for you, sir! I'm sure Mr. Valentino and Miss Velvette just want to help!"
Vox didn't have time to ask more questions because the mole was already turning on the segway and they were off at breakneck speeds.
Vox didn't think anyone could be a worse driver than Val, but he was quickly being proven wrong. It took all of five seconds for the mole to lose control of the scooter, sending them speeding down the hall screaming in harmony. Employees dove out of the way, crashing into each other to avoid becoming roadkill. Hallwaykill. What-fucking-ever. One antelope Sinner even jumped out of a window to get out of their way, careening off the side of the building with a "YAAAAAAAAH-HOO-HOO-HOO-EEEEE" that surely echoed across Pentagram City.
"Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! WATCH IT!" Vox shouted, the mole helplessly poking at the controls. Half the time he missed completely and simply jabbed the back of Vox's head.
"I'M SORRY, MR VOX! I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TURN IT OFF!"
JAB JAB JAB
La Cucaracha began blasting from his speakers.
"FUCK MY LIFE!"
Bursting through the doors of one of the cubicle floors, employees leapt for the cover of their desks, trampling each other to escape from the feral vehicle. The runaway segway barreled through a chicken lady walking by with a large paper shredder craddling in her arms, sending flurries of paper confetti into the air and completely obscuring Vox's vision. As if it really mattered honestly.
Well, it certainly would have made Vox feel better knowing the stairs were coming before they went flying down them.
How they stayed upright, Vox couldn't even begin to fathom. They bounced down every step, plowing over a couple of goldfish Sinners carrying what Vox hoped was not an expensive toilet as he heard it smash on the ground behind them. The seat landed on Vox's head, smacking him in the face over and over again as they continued their tumble down the stairs.
Somehow—because someone up there hated him, Vox was sure—none of that was enough to stop the scooter and it continued its rampage as though it was possessed.
What was this, some cheap knock-off of that haunted car movie?
Everyone was certainly running like it was.
"Sir?!" Ethan threw himself against the wall as they whizzed by down the hall, nearly flattening the assistant.
"ETHAN, FUCKING DO SOMETHING!" Vox screamed and the eel Sinner scrambled to give chase, fultilely attempting to provide instructions to the incompetant mole as to taking control of the evil segway.
They were speeding towards the delivery docks. Oh fuck no!
The doors opened. Two burly Sinners hefted a strange massive U-shaped slide into the hall. It stretched from floor to ceiling and took up nearly the entire hall.
"Shit, I think it's stuck in the loading doors. Hey, where did Mr. Valentino want us to put thi—!"
The mole leaned back in some half-assed attempt to slow them down, perfectly tilting the segway up to hit the end of the U just right. It looped, doing a complete 180 rotation—turning completely upside-down for one horrible slow-motion second in which Vox saw his pathetic life flash before his eyes—before landing upright and speeding back down the hallway. Ethan went pale and squealed and turned tail, running as fast as he could to get away from his impending doom.
He wasn't fast enough.
Ethan let out a very uncharacteristic string of curses when the segway caught up to him, colliding hard with his fleeing form and sending him toppling backward into the fucking basket. Vox squawked as Ethan crashed against his face, his assistant still clinging to his tablet like a lifeline as he screamed in terror.
Great! Now Vox couldn't even fucking see! AGAIN!
A bear Sinner let out a shockingly high-pitched shriek when he saw them speeding towards him, dropping the two giant tubs of lube he was carrying as he fled for his afterlife. The tubs broke open upon hitting the floor and Vox didn't even have time to curse his horrible luck before they blazed right into the mess. The segway slid through the slick surface, sending them into a tornado of rapid spins that made Vox very thankful that he currently did not have a stomach. The same could not be said for Ethan and the mole. They had better not puke on him. Several employees jumped out of the way as they exited an open elevator and the chaotic blur of segway and screams whirled inside, smacking against the walls like a pinball knock-off.
Moments later, a soft ding released them back onto the upper floor.
Vox may not have been able to see due to Ethan's back smooshed up against his screen, but he could hear, and what he could hear was the tell-tale sounds of models screaming and running as the evil segway twisted and turned down several hallways and sped directly towards where Vox knew Velvette was running the dress rehearsal for her next show.
"WHAT THE EVER LOVING FUCK IS HAPPENING?!" Velvette screamed as she stormed into the hall amidst the chaos.
"VELVETTE, MOVE!" Vox screeched, fighting to see around Ethan.
The fashionista took one look at the approaching madness and raw terror and rage overtook her features. "OH, FUCK YOU, NOT MY FUCKING SPRING COLLECTION!"
Velvette threw out her hand, materializing a wide roll of fabric across the hallway. Melissa rushed to grab the other end and they pulled it tight. The segway hit, and for a moment Vox thought they would tear right through, if not drag the girls along with them. But the ladies held strong and the segway ricocheted backwards down the hall and straight through the porn studio doors once again.
Chaos erupted. They tore through the studio. Travis was run over. Angel Dust yelped, jumping up into the arms of the walrus that had just been fucking him into next Tuesday as the walrus jumped up on the bed. As if that would save either of them. The segway hit the bed, upending it entirely, and sailed through the air. Vox felt the cords strapping him in place come loose and then he was flying free.
Straight at Valentino's horrified face.
He hit and then all was finally—blissfully—silent.
—
When Vox finally rebooted, it was to the blurry concerned faces of Valentino and Velvette and the distorted warbling of La Cucaracha.
Velvette sighed in relief. "Fucking Hell, Vox! You've been buffering for like twenty minutes!" Valentino nodded and Vox distantly noticed he was now sporting a black eye and a split lip.
"Oh?" Vox asked, words slurred. "Is it time to get up already? Fivemoreminutes."
Velvette fixed Valentino with a sour look that said exactly who she held responsible for all of this. She snatched Vox's head out of Valentino's hands.
"You have lost your Vox privileges, sir."
"Aw, chica! Come on!" He continued to whine at her in Spanish as she stomped off, Vox's head tucked under her arm.
The elevator ride up to the penthouse was thankfully silent. Vox had a headache the size of all seven rings of Hell. He didn't want to think, let alone hold a conversation. After that chaos, he felt like he could sleep for a century. Velvette popped him down onto the couch, fluffing up the pillows around him to better support his disembodied head.
"Ugh, ya think it's possible to barf without a stomach?" Vox asked with a groan as she bustled around the penthouse. His vision was still a little wobbly.
Velvette rolled her eyes. "You'll be fine, V. Alright, I've got your favorite caramel iced coffee with the twisty straw, popcorn for snacks within tongue reach, the TV is right there if you wanna watch anything, and Marcus is gonna stand guard out front to let me know if Val tries to get his hands on you for any more stupid ideas. Need anything else?"
"Thanks, Vel."
She patted him on the head. "No problem, V. You take it easy. I'll deal with Val's mess."
Once she'd gone, Vox settled into the pillow. He never wanted to do that shit again.
A notification popped up on his screen. Huh? Velvette had tagged him in something. He opened the notification, the link taking him to Velvette's SinTok page.
VEGWAY FAIL COMPILATION PART 1
Set to La Cucaracha.
"VELVETTE!"
