Archive of Our Own

If you'd never come for me

I might've drowned in the melancholy

I swore my loyalty to me, myself, and I

Right before you lit my sky up

🌸

– Once upon a time, the planets and the fates and all the stars aligned –

Goh’s first sleepless night, well, at least the first one from the countless sleepless nights he remembers, is from the time when he was still little. He was sitting with his diary on his lap with a clumsily written I don’t need any friends in it. That was the night he made up his mind about not needing any friends in his life. And if Goh would reminisance on it now, maybe it wasn’t because he didn’t want to have any friends, but because…why bother with having friends if they betray you and break promises made to you. They leave you like you meant nothing to them, like the word friend could be thrown on the wind and break into tiny pieces and spread to the sky.

So if Goh’s so-called friend didn’t need him anymore because he left him, waiting for him in the heavy pouring rain, making Goh trusting him that he will eventually come to find the shrine together like Goh had promised they will and have more fun together…then Goh doesn’t need any friends either. Why would he need someone like that? Someone who used him and betrayed him, and Goh promised himself not to make the same mistake ever again.

And oh, Goh surely didn’t mean to make the same mistake of trusting someone again and being the one to throw the word friend at the stranger he has met about 5 minutes ago atop of the Legendary Pokemon. A stranger – but someone whose brown eyes shone brighter than honey made by Combee in their nests, and somehow, Goh couldn’t help but be mesmerized by the stranger’s eyes, by his carefreeness and how freely he talked about the world around – the world that Goh has never seen, but he would love to see the world in the colors the stranger seems to describe it in it.

And maybe it’s another sleepless night Goh remembers clearly. The night after Goh became a research fellow alongside Ash. Goh couldn’t calm down his excitement about what exciting research Professor Cerise can assign to them the next day, and he couldn’t fall asleep in the process. It’s such a contrast to Ash, who fell asleep the minute his head hit the pillow on the bottom bunk. Goh won the fight over the top bunk fair and square, or maybe Ash let him have it in the end with that charming smile on his face, pretending to lose and admitting that he tosses a lot in his sleep and he would probably fall from it anyway – that was a lie, but Goh doesn’t need to know about that.

Maybe the excitement was less of a problem for Goh’s insomnia that night than Ash’s loud snoring, but Goh just smiled to himself as he tucked himself with the duvet further – he finally made a friend of his own, and that mattered the most to him in the moment. A friend that Goh wanted to keep in his life forever.

🌸

– The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star –

Another sleepless night that comes to Goh in flashback and echoes was when he was excited for his parents to come home from work. They promised not to be late and spend some time together – but Goh lost track of time as he fell asleep on the balcony, tired from the endless waiting. At some point, the cold balcony changed into his warm bed as Halta tucked him in it. Goh woke up hours later as his dad’s loud sobs reached his ears. It’s the same day every year – his dad cries his heart out, Goh hears his mom’s soothing voice through the thin wall, and Goh, as always, will pretend that he doesn’t hear it. Once again, he didn’t brace himself to leave his room and see his dad crying and ask what was going on. He just laid there, staring at the ceiling, sob after sob filling his ears, engraving into his mind. He couldn’t fall asleep afterwards, so he just hugged one of his plushies closer to his chest as he hoped for the crying to stop.

Goh hopes that maybe this year will be different, and his mom will tell him what was wrong, but she didn’t explain in the morning why they came home late again, and why his dad was crying. Again. Just like every year. Goh doesn’t need to know it for now, at least that’s what he told himself. He didn’t even dare to ask. He understood it with age as he found the picture of Walker with Growlithe hidden deep in one of the drawers. Goh understood why he gifted his old Pokedex to him. Goh understood why Christmas and his birthdays become somewhat cold, with his parents staying at work late instead of coming home to celebrate with him. Not only Christmas or his birthday, but each day of the year. Goh slowly understood why every day, his parents excused themselves with work, leaving him alone, hoping Halta would take care of him.

Work was…work, but losing your partner on the way home, and spending the rest of your life in the same space he lived would do something to Goh too. 

Camille was in advanced pregnancy when they were coming home from their weekly check-up, Growlithe in the back seat, heavy rain pouring on the streets. Growlithe was so excited about the rain that he lifted his head through the open window to admire the falling drops. The road was too slippery from the rain, and Walker suddenly lost control of the car. It went into a skid, and he had around ten seconds to react and get the balance back. He yelled in panic to Growlithe to sit back on the seat, but it was too late – Walker had to turn the car right, and they hit the nearest building. There was smoke everywhere, but thankfully, Camille and soon-to-be-born Goh were safe. She was holding her baby bump tightly as Walker put his left hand on the bump, not daring to look to the back, holding unshed tears in his eyes. Walker’s right arm was heavily injured, and Growlithe…Growlithe’s last mewl will be engraved into his mind forever. 

The mark from the scar on Walker’s arm is still there from what Goh has noticed, and he somehow understood why his parents, especially dad, would rather spend most of his time working than staying home – the same place where Growlithe lived for most of his life. And Goh doesn’t try to excuse the neglect he felt because of his parents’ overworking habits and coming home late each day. He learned to live on his own because of it, and deep down, he knew it shouldn’t be that way. He was convinced that he prefers to be alone, meanwhile, he just got used to being alone because his parents were rarely around. 

And he was fine with that – even if it meant Christmas spent alone as well. And maybe it was delusion talking – that it’s okay that his parents are working on Christmas, that he’s left alone on such special days, in hopes that eventually they will come home while Goh is still awake and give him a gift he dreamed of and talked about eagerly weeks earlier.

He was fine with that – even if it meant lying to Ash years later about how fun his Christmas was, when in reality, he spent it alone, locked in his room. Just like in his childhood. But now, he had Scorbunny with him, so he was fine, right?

Deep down, Goh knew he could just accept Chloe’s offer to spend the Christmas with her family – like she always proposed. The Cerise family would welcome him with open arms. 

He knew he could spend Christmas with Ash in Pallet Town just like he insisted for days. His brown eyes were shining bright just at the thought of spending these few days with Goh, and Goh tried to ignore his own voice breaking when he was declining the offer. He didn’t want to bother anyone with his presence. Christmas should be spent in the closest family circle, and he didn’t want to be a nuisance. He’s not special enough to spend Christmas with anyone. Spending yet another Christmas locked in his room alone sounded like a good idea. Goh ignored Scorbunny’s worried looks as the hope filled another yet sleepless night that maybe, maybe his parents are on the way home already.

But deep down, Goh wished to himself that one day he’s gonna stop feeling content with sleepless nights spent alone in his childhood room.

🌸

– I wonder if he knows he's all I think about at night –

Another sleepless night that Goh remembers well – all too well, actually – is the one where he realized that he fell in love with his friend.

Goh stared at the ceiling, blinking slowly as his own thoughts were scaring him. He couldn’t be in love. He swore to himself that he doesn’t need any friends, more so any love in his life, and yet again, his heart skipped a beat when Ash effortlessly stood in front of a bunch of Ivysaur to protect them. His heart skipped a beat when Ash still thought of Goh as his friend. His heart skipped a beat when Ash admitted that he wanted to protect Goh too. His heart still skips a beat as he lays in his bed, replaying today’s events in his head. He can’t think of anything else than Ash’s admirable courage. And those damn brown eyes.

Goh sighs to himself, frowning at his lack of sleep as he entangles himself from the covers. He quietly climbs down the ladder as he looks over at peacefully sleeping Ash. He doesn’t snore right now, and it’s such a contrast to the previous night. Goh smiles fondly at him before he shakes his head to himself, slapping his cheek once. No, no, no, no. He needs to pull himself together. 

But instead of pulling himself together and coming down the last step of the ladder, Goh takes a closer look at his friend.

Ash is…pretty. More than pretty. He’s handsome. Incredibly handsome. Raven curly hair, cheek marks under brown eyes. Those damn brown eyes. Ash is a work of art, a real walking masterpiece, and if Goh would extend his hand right now, he could touch Ash’s cheek, and trace it alongside the mark, but thankfully, Goh finally pulls himself together before he can do that and embarrass himself. 

Quietly, he leaves the room, and then the Laboratory as the gentle breeze hits his tired body. He sits on the stairs to admire the stars as he rests his hands over the step. He closes his eyes for a moment to fully take in the quietness of the night. As he opens them again, he’s not alone anymore, and the new company startles him.

Goh squeaks. “W-what are you doing here?”, he asks, but Pikachu just tilts his head.

“Pika?”.

Goh just blinks in confusion before he waves his hand a few times. “Go away, leave me alone, shoo”, he mutters, but Pikachu just lets out a happy Pika! as he misunderstood Goh – or maybe he did it on purpose – and sits closer to Goh, looking at the stars as well.

Goh is stunned as he snorts to himself. “You’re as stubborn as him, aren’t you?”.

“He sure is”, Goh hears a sudden, but familiar voice speak. He turns around to see Ash approaching him and sitting next to him.

Well, there goes his plan to stargaze. Alone. Wait– was Ash awake all this time? Does he know that Goh was looking at him?

“Sorry if I woke you up”, Goh quietly says, but Ash shakes his head, letting Pikachu hop on his lap. He pets him slowly, and Pikachu lets out a tired yawn.

“Don’t worry about it”, he quietly utters, turning his attention to the stars above them as well. “Do you love to stargaze?”, he asks, breathlessly, and maybe somewhat shy like he would be asking an intimate question, but in the dead of the night, when they are alone – not counting Pikachu – it does feel like an intimate question.

“Yeah”, is all Goh whispers, and Ash nods his head in understanding.

Stars are Goh’s…eternal companions. They are always there for him when no one ever is. Maybe they are Goh’s little friends that he thought he never needed. They never judge him, they always listen to him talking or crying, or when he lets out his doubts and fears. They always keep his secrets to themselves. And maybe they do leave him in the morning to make some place for the sun for the day, but they always come back in the night so Goh can be with them, admiring them in the endless dark sky again. 

“That’s cool, they are pretty”, Ash breathes out, and Goh can’t help but to avert his gaze to look at Ash’s side profile instead. 

He’s as beautiful as the stars right now. Goh shakes his head to himself. No, he can’t think of that right now, especially with Ash being next to him. 

“Do you know some of the constellations?”, Ash asks, meeting Goh’s eyes, and Goh jerks his gaze right away, pink blush rushing to his cheeks. He’s glad it’s so dark right now so Ash can’t see how red his face is.

“I know quite a few of them”, Goh shyly admits, glancing at Ash briefly again. 

And maybe his mind is tricking him, but he’s certain he saw Ash’s eyes shine even more when Goh admitted that.

“Cool. Can you tell me about them?”, Ash rests his hands over the step, his eyes all over Goh again, one of his hands way too close to Goh's – close enough to touch, and Goh’s lips gape slightly, surprised and shocked at the question, but he does nod his hand, looking at the stars again.

“I would love to”, Goh whispers, and Ash smiles at him, turning his attention to the constellation Goh has just pointed at.

Maybe it’s the first sleepless night that Goh is glad he’s not completely alone for.

🌸

– I looked at you like the stars that shined in the sky like pretty lights –

The next sleepless night Goh remembers is the one that happened after Ash passed out on the street. Goh knows that Ash is alright now, he knows he feels better, but his heart can’t help but still twist at the thought of almost losing Ash.

Goh was…scared. He never felt this way before. He felt powerless, holding Ash’s unconscious body in his hold. Pikachu and Gengar looked at him, pleading to help Ash. He didn’t know how to help. He didn’t know what to do. He should’ve. He somehow did. Mere long minutes later, even if his mind was cloudy with anxiety, he still called Chrysa and told her what happened. On the way back to the Laboratory, she praised Goh for how brave he acted in such a tough situation, and Goh could only bite his lips in frustration. He should have acted quicker. 

Goh drags his hands through his tired face as he exhales a shaky breath. His tiredness is unbearable to handle right now, yet he can’t fall asleep. 

And Ash must feel the same way, because Goh feels the rustling of the cover from the bottom bunk. The sudden hearing of Ash’s voice almost makes him sob, but he bites his lips before it can escape his lips.

“I’m sorry”, Ash breathes out, and Pikachu peeks through his eye to glance at his trainer, but Ash settles his hand in his fur to stroke him at a slow pace. Goh’s hand absentmindedly finds Scorbunny and does the same. “I’m sorry that I worried you”.

Goh doesn’t reply for a moment as he closes his eyes to get rid of the tears pricking in his tired eyes. He turns to lay on the other side of his body, hoping it would make it easier to fall asleep, and to let Ash know that he hasn’t drifted off yet and heard the apology. 

Goh hears Ash let out a tired sigh, as he’s probably sad that Goh still hasn’t uttered anything in return. But Goh doesn’t know what to reply. Ash shouldn’t apologize for being sick, it was out of his control, but dammit, he could’ve at least told him that he was feeling unwell for Arceus’ sake and not brush it off.

With a tired exhale, Goh gets out of the bed, coming down the ladder, and Ash lifts up his head to eye him in confusion.

“Where are you going?”, Ash asks, his voice way too terrified than it should be.

That Goh can answer.

“Just to let Chrysa know that she can come home, and maybe to get some water. Do you need anything?”, Goh asks, there’s some neutrality in his voice that suddenly feels too strange to Ash.

Ash’s lips gape slightly in confusion before he frowns. “Wait, she’s still here?”, he asks, and Goh nods his head, sitting on the edge of Ash’s bed.

“Well, yeah, in case you would feel unwell again, but I…watched my grandma tend to me a lot when I was sick, so I think that’s what I could do at least”, Goh quietly admits, fidgeting with his fingers, and Ash’s lips curl into a small smile at the admission.

In the midst of his head still feeling heavy from the sickness, maybe he knows why Goh’s head is so caught up right now. But his smile dies from his lips when he realizes how sad Goh actually sounded when he admitted that his grandma was the one to take care of him while being sick, and that breaks Ash’s heart into tiny pieces.

“Goh, do you need a hug?”, Ash asks suddenly, his voice so soft and tender that Goh can’t help but to turn into the reddest tomato in the world.

It’s still Ash’s fever talking, right?

“W-what?”, Goh eventually stutters, almost falling down from the bed, but Ash quickly catches his wrist.

“I asked if you need a hug, you sounded like you needed one”, Ash repeats, tilting his head as he traces the skin on Goh’s wrist with his thumb, and Goh clears his throat to get rid of the sudden silence.

“I-I’m fine”, he quickly utters, high-pitched, letting out a chuckle afterwards. “I don’t need your sickness all over me”, he says, standing out from Ash’s bed to make a point, regretfully taking his hand away and already missing the tender touch on his wrist. “Water sound nice?”, he asks, darting his gaze away, and when Ash nods his head in confirmation, he leaves the room to go to the kitchen.

“Germophobe”, Ash mutters to himself, petting Pikachu slowly as he waits patiently for Goh to bring him the water.

But downstairs, Goh considers pouring the water onto himself instead to calm down his quickened heartbeat and get rid of the red blush that covers his whole face.

Goh’s certain he won’t be able to fall asleep tonight at all.

🌸

– He spends most of his nights wishing it was how it used to be –

Goh doesn’t like how this certain sleepless night makes him feel, but all he wishes for is to close his eyes, and to wake up hours later with things being like they used to be. 

Goh should be happy…but instead, silently he fights with himself to not drown in the self-hatred. Scorbunny evolved and learned Ember like he wanted to, and Goh admits that maybe he was too harsh with his opinion. Maybe he was too harsh on Scorbunny, and maybe he said some harsh words to him that he shouldn’t have uttered at all, but he did, and he regrets it. He regrets treating Scorbunny this way…and maybe Goh doesn’t blame Raboot for the silent treatment he gives him in return since he evolved. There are no high fives, Raboot doesn’t sit on his shoulder anymore, he doesn’t sleep next to him, he doesn’t listen to his commands, and all Goh gets from Raboot occasionally is a peek through his eyes that hurts more than a thousand nasty words that could be said to him.  

Goh sighs to himself as he decides to give up on trying to fall asleep for tonight altogether. He comes down the ladder as he tries to ignore Ash and Pikachu sleeping cuddled together. Goh tries to ignore the ache on his heart as he misses Scorbunny’s heat and company. Goh tries to ignore how Raboot prefers to sleep on his own now. He tries to ignore how alone he feels since Raboot started ignoring him. He tries to ignore how seeing Ash and Pikachu being so close breaks him each time he looks at them.

Goh almost trips over the last step, but he’s able to keep his balance and escape the room before the screeching noise from the ladder wakes up Ash. 

Goh’s in the middle of pouring the water into the glass when Ash groggily enters the kitchen as well. “Is everything alright?”, he asks, concern filing his voice despite the late hour and how sleepy he still feels.

Goh’s aura is…sad. Messy, and not as radiant and bright as it was before. Ash can pick up some fear in it, and he almost comes closer to offer some comfort, but Goh shakes his head, rejecting whatever Ash was planning to do.

“I just needed some water, sorry I woke you up”, Goh says, more dryly than he intended, and Ash tilts his head, frowning, because he feels that something is off with Goh since a few days ago, but he wasn’t sure if he should meddle in whatever Goh is feeling.

“Goh?”, Ash lets out, quietly and with so much tenderness in his voice that it almost makes Goh sob because he doesn’t deserve such a delicate treatment.

“Ash, I’m fine, please, leave me alone”, Goh pleads, not even looking his way, and Ash exhales a shaky breath, eyeing him worriedly for a moment before he decides to go back to bed and leave Goh to himself like he wanted.

Goh let out how he felt days later, and Ash finally is able to understand what’s gotten into him – he was just concerned over Raboot’s sudden change in personality. Goh was worried that Raboot hated him, but it turned out that he was just going through a rebellious phase, and Goh finally feels content with knowing that his partner cares about him, but in his own way now.

“Why didn’t you say anything?”, Ash asks when they are stargazing on the rooftop of the Laboratory. Goh couldn’t sleep again, so Ash decided to keep him company and admire the shining stars with him that night. It felt peaceful until Ash asked the question. The question that always makes Goh lose his guard. 

Goh bites his lips. He just…hates bothering people with his feelings. He’d rather be with his feelings alone until they crush him, until they break him. Until he can’t handle them anymore. 

Goh exhales a shaky breath. “I just…sometimes I don’t like bothering people with how I feel. Struggling alone is something I'm used to. I didn’t want to bother you with how I feel. Thought you would laugh at me for how I feel or…you wouldn’t care that…I’m not fine”, the last sentence is whispered, but in the dead of the night, it is still quite audible. 

The night breeze brings a chill over their bodies, and Ash looks over at Goh, his gaze worried, and maybe somewhat offended that Goh could think such a thing.

Goh jerks his gaze away as he looks down over his bare feet. He feels embarrassed, but thankfully, his cheeks are pink anyway because of the coldness.

“Goh, I…I asked multiple times. Multiple times if you were alright when I noticed that something was off. Each time, you said that you were fine or you brushed it off. I care, you are my friend, I will always care. You shouldn’t feel like you’re bothering me because I will always gladly listen to you. Like I said, you should always tell me when things are going down, because I’m not a mind reader and I’m not always sure if you are feeling well or if something’s bothering you. I’m not sure if you want me there, I mean, I’m not sure if you want my comfort, so I wait until you voice out on your own how you feel and that you want to talk about what's going on. I’ve been waiting for days for you to say something, but you stayed quiet and you’ve been brushing it off each time I asked if something was wrong”, Ash utters quietly, his voice soft and tender, and it soothes Goh’s heart right now like a soft blanket. “And, if I wouldn’t care…I wouldn’t help you to see that what you were planning to do was wrong”, he says, eyeing Goh for the last time before giving his shoulder a firm squeeze, and leaving him to his own thoughts.

Goh watches Ash’s silhouette disappear down the stairs, lips slightly gaped, and shocked at his words. He turns to look at the stars again after a moment, smiling to himself, and resting his face over his bended knees.

He’s not alone, that’s what Ash tried to tell him, and somehow, that warms Goh’s heart. He’s used to being alone, he loved to be in his own company – it would never betray him, but he’s not alone anymore, and Goh still has a long road to truly sink it in.

But maybe in a few weeks, Goh won’t make the same mistake of closing himself off. Maybe when Goh will catch Sobble and he’ll feel weak again, when he will think of himself so low that it will result in the familiar self-hatred tugging at his heart, maybe he will let it all out to Ash.

And maybe Ash will understand and fade his doubts away. Again.

🌸

– He said the way my blue eyes shined put those Vermillion stars to shame that night –

After the yummy dinner came first, (and then the hot bath), Goh tucked himself in the blanket and decided to stargaze outside the Laboratory. Five minutes didn’t even pass when Ash joined him too, with two mugs of hot chocolate in his hands. Goh thanked him, taking one mug, and a soft breath of relief escaped his lips at the hot sensation coming to his cold hands. This night is particularly cold for Vermillion.

“What’s on your mind?”, Ash quietly asks, shifting his gaze to the stars above them for a moment, but his eyes find Goh’s face again seconds later, and Goh can’t help but notice how he feels Ash’s eyes on him more often since the day he caught Flygon.

“Just how much fun I had battling Zapdos”, Goh admits, taking a sip of the hot chocolate, and Ash nods his head. He had fun too, even if the rest of the battle was mostly Goh’s. He can’t stop feeling proud of his friend for battling so bravely against such a strong opponent like Zapdos.

“That’s a shame you didn’t end up catching him”, Ash quietly admits, and Goh fidgets with the mug in his hold.

Well, Goh has felt some sting of sadness at the fact that he didn’t catch Zapdos, but he quickly came to terms with that, and a lot of good stuff came from that battle that it made up for the lack of registered Zapdos in his Pokedex. He battled with Flygon for the first time. He feels like he grew even closer to Raboot through battling together, and Raboot even learned a new move. Even if for a split of a minute he felt powerless, weak, and a familiar wave of self-doubt washed over him – just one look into Ash’s confident eyes helped him gain the ground under his feet again. In Ash’s language, today was awesome, and Goh can’t help but agree with that. 

Ash looks over at Goh when a bunch of minutes pass and he doesn’t utter anything in return. He sees that Goh is thinking about something, so he doesn’t want to interrupt his thinking process. At least he can stare at Goh’s beautiful side profile. So he does. He admires Goh, breathlessly like he would be seeing him for the first time. It does feel like a first time, because it’s one of the first times Ash sees Goh this way. He’s in love. With his best friend. And it’s scaring him a little.

Goh eventually meets Ash’s gaze, but Ash doesn’t dart his eyes away, which makes both of them slightly embarrassed. Pink blush rushes to Goh’s face, but Ash still stares at him. How can he not when Goh looks so beautiful enveloped in the moonlight and stars shimmering in the endless ocean in his eyes?

“Do I– do I have something on my face?”, Goh eventually asks, high-pitched and squirming at the long eye contact.

Ash just chuckles as he finally gives Goh a break and looks away at the stars again, taking the last sip of the hot chocolate.

“No, not at all”, he whispers, glancing at Goh again, and fighting with himself if he should utter the words that are on his mind.

He didn’t plan to say them, they escaped his lips on their own. Or maybe they didn’t? Maybe Ash said them being fully aware of what he’s uttering after all.

“Just the way your blue eyes shine puts those stars to shame”, he whispers, quickly standing up afterwards and leaving Goh to his own thoughts, not even waiting for his response.

All Goh can do is to listen to Ash’s rushed steps as he tries to calm his quickened heartbeat and get rid of the red flush adorning his face. 

Suddenly, the night isn’t as cold anymore as Goh can’t control the heat on his cheek.

🌸

– I'll hold you through the night until you smile –

Goh sits in the park, admiring the stars as he always has, and nothing would be concerning about it, if Goh wouldn’t be sitting in the same place since Suicune disappeared, staring in the same spot – where he has stayed for five hours already.

Ash exhales a tired sigh as he carefully approaches his friend so he won’t startle him, but Goh hears him just fine as he turns around and welcomes Ash with a kind smile.

Another smile tugs on his lips as Ash offers him a blanket, and he throws it around his cold shoulders right away.

“Thank you”, there’s a quiet mumble, and Ash just tips his head to the side, offering a soft smile.

“What are you thinking about?”, Ash quietly asks, trying not to disturb the quietness of the night, and Goh hums as he frowns at his own thoughts, and eventually lets out a shaky breath.

“Just about what happened today”, there’s some sorrow in Goh’s voice for an unbeknownst-to-Ash reason, so he tries to ease the tense air around them.

“Are you upset that Suicune decided to roam in the wild?”, Ash playfully nudges Goh, and it earns a soft laugh coming from him before he gets serious again as his hand fists around the grass.

“It’s for the better, so you know, he can still purify the water”, Goh says, playing with the grass in his hold, and Ash just smiles symphatically before he shifts his eyes to the stars above them for a moment, but he looks over at Goh again when his weak voice reaches his ears. 

“They hurt him, Ash, they were kicking him and he…was in pain and they were still…his pained screams still ring in my head”, Goh bites down a sob, and Ash just puts a hand over his shoulder to offer some comfort. 

Ash feels exactly the same now, but…a different scream rings in his head instead. 

When Ash heard Goh screaming, he felt his heart stop beating for a moment. Ash remembers running, he didn’t know where, but he ran wherever his feet wanted to take him in the moment. He didn’t know if he was running in the right direction of the scream, he couldn’t pick up on Goh’s aura, but he trusted Lucario and Pikachu to pick the scream up when his mind was clouded with anxiety and worry.

Thankfully, Goh was alright, he wasn’t injured or anything, but his pained scream still aches Ash as it replays in his head on repeat, even if Goh is safe and sound sitting next to him now. Ash still feels Goh’s hand over his body, pushing him to take Houndoom’s attack himself. He tried to scream Goh’s name, but it got caught down his throat. Then, everything was blurry, but Ash somehow remembers what happened in the midst of the anxiety he was feeling over Goh’s safety – Suicune joining Goh to battle and the hunters getting arrested. Ash could breathe out in relief afterwards as they could finally come back to the Laboratory.

But Ash won’t forget the tears in Goh’s eyes and his pained scream – it will be engraved in Ash’s mind and heart forever.

The ride home was awfully quiet. Suicune was in Goh’s Pokeball as he decided to stay with Goh, Sobble clutching to Goh’s lap. Ash felt how shaken he still was after everything had happened, so all he could offer was comforting silence, petting sleeping Pikachu on his own lap. 

Back in the Cerise Laboratory, Suicune decided to stay in Goh’s care, but to be back in the wild, and when Goh sat in silence in the park, in his own company, still sad and shaken – Ash still gave him the space he needed, thinking that Goh just needed some time to process whatever was on his mind.

And now Ash knows what exactly is on Goh’s mind. 

Goh can’t control his feelings anymore as he finally lets out everything by crying. He violently sobs, his whole body shaking, and Ash just puts his hand over Goh’s back to move it comfortingly there.

“It’s okay now, Suicune is safe thanks to you. I’m glad he trusted you and sees you now as his trainer”, is all Ash offers over Goh’s sobs, but it’s enough to ease Goh’s anxiety as a soft smile curls on his lips through the falling tears over his face.

🌸

– You drew stars around my scars –

The sleepless nights Goh despised the most were the ones when he tried to stifle his sobs so his parents won’t hear him when familiar words were circling in his mind on repeat.

You’re weak.

Pathetic.

Goh, why don’t you go play with your classmates?

Such a loser.

Look, he’s crying again.

The same voices told Chloe to stay away. She stayed, not away, but even closer to Goh. She showed her hand…and she stayed. Maybe Goh understood with age that Chloe was the friend he needed. Maybe she wasn’t the friend he wanted, but she certainly was a friend that he needed, and now he appreciates Chloe’s company more than ever. 

Then there was Ash. Standing above those voices, trying to fade them away, trying to calm him down, trying to protect him, trying to make him forget about the handprint on his aching chest.

Each breath was hard to take that night when Goh woke up from a nightmare. The familiar face reached out his hand to push him again. The touch on his chest was burning him, even the memory of it was burning him.

Goh accidentally scratched Ash’s wrist that night when he tried to put his hand over Goh’s chest to ground him from the panic attack. And there he was – still by his side, like nothing had happened, trying to ease his pain, trying to calm him down from how shaken he’s been feeling.

Ash had the scratch on his wrist for days, but for him, it was nothing. He had similar scratches from countless battles or from attempts to save wild Pokemon in need or calming down his own raging Pokemon.

For Ash, it was a similar case. It felt like a battle, a battle to help Goh to understand that these words don’t define him. An attempt to save him from the pain he’s been feeling. Trying to calm him down from his panic attack, trying to fade away the mocking voices in his head and helping him understand that he’s safe now, and no one will hurt him anymore.

But for Goh, the handprint that Marcus left on his chest stayed with him forever, the memory of the pain of it all will be engraved in his mind for the rest of his life. So if Goh can wear the handprint of Marcus’s hand on his chest for the rest of his life, then Ash could have the mark of the scratch on his wrist for the rest of his life too. It would be a reminder of Goh engraved into Ash’s body forever, a reminder of when Ash has seen Goh on his worst day and night. And Ash wouldn’t be ashamed of it at all, because if he could, he would die for Goh. Die for the pain he experienced, die to keep him safe. Share the pain he felt since his childhood.

The scratch disappeared after a few days, but Ash didn’t forget about it. Neither did Goh. Every flinch of Goh when Ash tried to touch his chest was a reminder of the pain, of the awful school days, of every nasty word said his way. A reminder of the push to the ground and how badly Marcus messed with Goh’s mind until he believed in the version of Goh Marcus had seen.

It took years for Goh to recover from it, months spent with Ash, maybe about one million breaths and exhales with the same rhythm of the necklace hitting the marked spot on his chest, and definitely more than one million kisses that Ash placed on Goh’s chest for Goh to move a little forward. 

“Could you kiss it better somewhere else?”, Goh asked in the dead of one of the sleepless nights.

“There?”, Ash asked when Goh cupped his face into his hands so he could place a soft kiss on his chest.

His breath still hitched, but it was a step forward. It was the first time Goh didn’t see the face of his ex-classmate while his chest was being touched. It was the first time Goh felt a nice tingly sensation instead of pain, and Goh wished for nothing more but to feel Ash’s pressed lips, placing soft kisses there all the time.

Maybe it wasn’t the last time Goh has seen Marcus in his life. Maybe it wasn’t the last time Goh has heard his nasty words aimed at him, but the one thing Goh was certain about was that with Ash by his side, he can get through everything.

And Ash proved it each time.

🌸

– Flying in a dream, stars by the pocketful –

One of the sleepless nights that Goh is actually embarrassed about is the night when he can’t get the image of Ash holding his hand out of his head. Ash’s hand was…soft. And warm. And safe, leading him carefully to the Laboratory, like Goh would be the most fragile thing in the world. Ash was holding his hand for most of the day, and Goh can't stop thinking about it, he can’t erase the image of it from his head, he can’t stop feeling Ash’s hand on his own.

Ash could simply hold his forearm. Or his wrist. Or one of his freaking fingers. But no. He decided to hold his hand instead, turning Goh into yet another blushing and speechless mess. And nothing matters now more than Goh still feeling Ash’s warmth radiating from the hand he’s been holding. 

Embarrassing.

“Goh, is everything okay?”, Ash asks quietly, and Goh has just realized the groan that escaped his lips must be audible.

“Yeah, sorry”, Goh quietly mutters, and Ash smiles at the top bunk, even if Goh can’t see him. 

“Are you still thinking of the Gulpin that was stuck to your head?”, Ash asks, biting down the chuckle, and Goh would glare at him if he could.

Well, at least that’s a great excuse to cover the real reason for his insomnia.

“Yeah”, he breathes out, tucking himself with the blanket more. 

There’s a sound of rustling covers from below, so Ash must have laid on his back instead.

“Remember, I had a Gulpin stuck to my butt, so–”, Ash chuckles, and Goh already rolls his eyes.

“Yeah, yeah, so you had it worse”, Goh mutters, but deep down, he really wished he could see that. 

Goh finally turns to his right side, hoping he can get some rest, and Ash sweetly wishes him sweet dreams. Goh blushes at that, but he closes his eyes, trying his best to stop thinking of how soft Ash’s hand felt. 

But he couldn’t, and even though he eventually had fallen asleep, he still was dreaming of holding Ash’s hand to feel the softness of it on his skin again.

Meanwhile, at the bottom bunk, Ash is tossing and turning, having the same reason for his insomnia as Goh has had before. They held hands, and Ash would give everything to feel Goh’s hand in his own again.  

🌸

– I wake in the night, I pace like a ghost – 

Goh is tossing and turning in his bed, holding Grookey’s stick tight in his hand. There’s no way he’s gonna fall asleep tonight, especially not knowing how Team Rocket is treating him who-knows-where.

Another glance at the stick, then another glance at the person who just climbed the ladder, with a worried look, and equally worried Pikachu sitting on his head.

“Sorry, did I wake you up?”, Goh quietly mutters, and Ash just offers him a smile, letting Pikachu sit on the bed as well.

“I mean, not exactly, but your tossing is quite hearable down there”, Ash chuckles, and Goh is ready to utter another apology, but Ash stops him by shaking his head.

“You can go back to sleep, I’ll try to be quieter”, Goh says instead, and to make a point, he turns to face the wall and closes his eyes, but when Ash touches his arm, Goh’s eyes snap open and a shaky exhale escapes his lips.

He tightens the hold around the stick. “How come you are always so…cool when they are stealing yet another Pokemon?”, Goh asks, his voice trembling as he tries to ignore Ash’s frown on his back.

“Come again?”, Ash asks, and Goh is not sure what he’s hearing in his voice right now, so he bites his lips. But he knows Ash is waiting for a response, so with a sigh he turns to lay on his back again and meets Ash’s gaze. 

“Sorry, I mean, like cool and collected. You’re so…”, Goh almost groans in frustration when he can’t find the right word, but thankfully, Ash understands him because he lets out a soft laugh. 

“I think I know what you mean. Well, I don’t think they are such a big deal. I kick their ass every time”, he sheepishly laughs, and it earns a snort from Goh.

“Yeah, but…”.

“I don’t think there’s anything to worry about. I’m sure Grookey’s just fine”, Ash tilts his head, and Goh holds the stick tighter again.

“See? That’s what I’m talking about! You act so calm, almost like…like you don’t care”, Goh raises his voice, but he regrets it seconds later when Sobble ditches his invisible form to look at his trainer worriedly, and another frown appears on Ash’s face.

Ash shakes his head. “I get that you are worried about Grookey, but don’t throw such accusations at me”, he says, choked as his frown gets deeper, when Goh frowns as well. 

“Since when do you know that word?”, thankfully it helps to ease the tension that filled the room, because Ash laughs again, and Goh breathes out in relief.

Ash gets deep in thought. “Uh, not sure, honestly? I think I’ve read it somewhere”, he tilts his head, trying to stifle his laugh, and Goh snorts again.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that”, Goh utters quietly, glancing at the stick in his hand again, and Ash clears his throat, sitting on the other side of the bed.

“You know, with how many Pokemon I saved from Team Rocket’s hands, I feel like it’s flowing in my veins already – that I need to help them and save them. At this point, I’m used to it, I’m used to seeing Team Rocket everyday, no offense to them, but I’m seeing them more than my own mom” a quiet and dry laugh. “I care, of course I care. No matter if it’s my own Pokemon, someone else's Pokemon, or any of your Pokemon, I care. But at this point, when I see Team Rocket – I know what they will be up to. I’m used to it, so maybe that’s why in your eyes, I may seem cool and collected. I’m worried about Grookey as much as you are, but I’m sure he’s okay”, Ash says, and Goh glances at the stick in his hand again.

“How come you are so sure about it?”, Goh asks, quietly, and Ash exhales a shaky breath.

“Sometimes it’s hard for me to believe that they are whole heartedly evil”, Ash admits, and Goh lets out a shocked huh?, Pikachu mimicking Goh’s expression. 

Ash only laughs again at that. “I mean, sometimes I get the impression that they are just doing what they are told. They were quite helpful sometimes, and they were pretty chill when they had to help me out. I’ve never seen them hurt their own Pokemon, so I think deep down, they are kind hearted people who just chose an evil path”, Ash shrugs, and Goh closes his gaped lips, taking in what Ash has just implied.

Goh clears his throat. “You…they’ve been after your Pikachu for over three years, and you think so…highly of them? Ash, do you have a fever?”, Goh raises his brow, and Ash just laughs.

“I’m fine. I met a lot of Team Rocket members, and they are…not like the others, but who knows, maybe I’m wrong”, Ash just sweetly smiles, before he wishes Goh sweet dreams, go to sleep, you need to have lots of energy to catch Pokemon tomorrow, and he climbs down to his bottom bunk, Pikachu hopping down as well.

Goh turns to his right side again as he loosens his fist around Grookey’s stick and looks over at it again.

Maybe Ash is right? Maybe Grookey is okay after all? 

Goh sighs to himself as he closes his eyes to finally get some rest.

At least, he can try to find Grookey and just give him his precious stick back.

🌸

– You wanting me tonight feels impossible – 

Goh wishes he could forget about that stupid petals game Chloe told Ash to play. Goh wishes he could forget Ash’s longing stare towards someone who reciprocates his feelings. That kind of stare that never would be aimed at him, and that aches him. 

Ash loves someone. 

And it’s not him. It could never be him. 

And that person loves Ash back, and that aches Goh a lot. Because whoever Ash loves is already the luckiest person in the world. 

And it could never be him.

It could never be Goh. 

Goh sighs to himself for the umpteenth time that night as he holds onto railing tight. He looks over at the stars adorning the dark sky before he glances at Ash, who has discovered his whereabouts. He has that damn pretty smile on his face. And those damn brown eyes, shining brighter than all the stars right now.

He’s way too charming right now.

“Thought I would find you here”, Ash softly chuckles, and a small smile tugs on Goh’s lips at hearing Ash laugh like that. “Aren’t you cold?”, there is some concern behind Ash’s voice that Goh quickly brushes off.

“I’m fine”, Goh quietly mutters, settling on keeping his gaze on the stars above them.

Ash looks over at the sky too, smiling when he notices a familiar constellation. There’s a moment of comfortable silence where only the sounds of gentle wind, and their inhales and exhales of the air around, is audible. 

But Goh has had enough of the silence. He needs to know. Maybe he could find himself in the person Ash loves.

“Ash?”, a quiet whisper, and Ash looks over at Goh, his breath stuck in his throat as Goh looks like an angel sent straight from heaven right now, being enveloped in the moonlight, his eyes reflecting thousands of stars. Ash can't help but to fall in love again. “The person you love”, Goh meets his gaze. “What is he like?”.

“Beautiful”, Ash breathes out, feeling speechless at uttering anything else right now. Goh just tilts his head, smiling at Ash, but if Ash would read into it more, he could tell that the smile is rather fake.

Goh just lets out a laugh – a forced one, but Ash is still too taken aback to notice it. “Tell me more”, Goh whispers, shifting his gaze to the sky again.

Maybe he said it for the sake of continuing the conversation. Maybe he said it in delusion that maybe one day he could have a chance, that maybe one day Ash could love him the same way. Maybe he said it in hopes that Ash would drop the topic – he doesn’t. 

Ash shifts his gaze to the stars as well as he smiles to himself. 

“He’s…kind. Really, really kind. Smart and clever. He’s always patient with me, even if sometimes I annoy him. He always supports me and I can always count on him”, a soft laugh, and Goh’s eyes squint in sadness. “He’s brave, even if he doesn’t think of himself that way. I admire his courage a lot, and he’s really confident in his goal. I hope one day he can achieve whatever he sets his mind to. On top of that, he’s one of the most beautiful people I’ve ever seen, I’m so mesmerized by his eyes, and I…”, Ash looks over at Goh again, his eyes shining, but Goh doesn’t dare to meet his gaze.

I look at him right now.

“I wish he could feel the same way about me”, Ash lets out instead, and Goh bites his lips in time before a pathetic sob could leave his lips.

“Well, he loves you, yeah? That’s what Chloe said. I think you could try to confess to him”, Goh quietly utters, fidgeting with his t-shirt, and Ash shakes his head, almost laughing bitterly.

“I don’t think I would ever find courage to tell him all of that. Staying friends is…safe”, Ash forces a smile, and Goh nods his head, feeling some relief washing over his aching heart.

“He sounds awesome, though, I wish I could meet him”, is all Goh offers after a moment of tense silence, his voice slightly trembling. He briefly looks over at Ash, and when their eyes finally meet – Ash’s eyes shine so intensely in the moonlight, shining even brighter when Ash was talking so genuinely about the person that stole his heart, that Goh is certain they would never shine that brightly talking about him. Ash would never shine so bright talking about him.

This could never be about him. This could never be him.

“He sure is”, Ash breathes out, darting his gaze away, and Goh’s hand tightens around the railing.

You know him better than you realize. It’s you.

🌸

– Starry eyes sparking up my darkest night –

With Drizzile safely found, Chloe, Ash, and Goh are slowly making their way towards the Laboratory again. Goh’s sudden quietness worries Ash a lot. It must be worrying Chloe too, because she exchanged a concerned look with Ash.

Ash can’t stand how his friend is sulking, how sad he feels, and how many occasional sniffs Goh lets out, so Ash opens his mouth to say something, but Chloe gently nudges him to give Goh some space instead.

So he does so, sighing to himself. He can give Goh some space, at least until they are back in the Laboratory.

But when they’re back, Goh escapes to stargaze, and Ash finds him at the rooftop of the Laboratory, shivering in cold, eyes glued to the starry sky. He smiles at Goh’s silhouette before he gently offers him a blanket. Goh quietly thanks him as he wraps the blanket over himself, turning his attention back to the stars shining brightly in the sky. 

Ash looks at the stars too, with pride, as he notices some constellations that Goh showed him the first night they stargazed together. He briefly glances at his friend, who has just wiped some unshed tears from his eyes, and Ash fights with himself to not wrap his arms around him and comfort him with all he got.

Hearing about Goh’s lonely childhood is always tough, hearing about his school experience is even tougher. And today, Ash heard even more than he knew, and his heart is aching for him more than before. Because no one deserves to spend nights alone, hoping their parents will finally come home after a long day from work. No one deserves to figure out the world around them on their own as a child.

And Ash has questions, quite a lot actually, but he decides to let them linger in the air around them – unspoken as he offers Goh a comforting silence instead.

But Goh breaks the silence minutes later as he can’t bear his own thoughts anymore. Tears stream down his face as a violent sob leaves his lips.

Ash looks over, alarmed as his first instinct is to wrap his arms around Goh and hug him tight. He doesn’t. He lets Goh let out everything that he feels instead, eyeing him worriedly.

“I just…”, Goh tries to say, but it’s hard for him to find the right words to utter. Ash takes a step forward, and Goh lets his head fall over Ash’s shoulder. It takes him aback, but he doesn’t dare to move. “I just wish someone could tell me that”, he sobs into Ash’s shoulder, and a soft smile curls onto Ash’s face as he finally wraps his arms around Goh’s body. Not too tight, but tight enough for Goh to feel the comfort he offers.

“I’m fine if you wanna be who you are. If at some point, you feel like being with a friend, I’ll be there. Whenever you need me”, Ash echoes Goh’s words from earlier, and if Goh’s sobs got louder at hearing Ash saying that. Ash just hugs him tighter.

They stay like that for a moment, until Goh doesn’t cry anymore. Until his body doesn’t shake anymore. Until his breath doesn’t hitch anymore. Until tears aren’t streaming down his face anymore. 

Goh shyly pulls away from Ash’s embrace, and Ash just offers him a warm smile as he fixes the blanket on Goh’s back from falling, and Goh buries himself into it further. His gaze lands on the sky full of stars again, and Ash glances at him briefly as he uses Goh’s extended hand to his advantage and brushes it softly with his finger.

“He’ll be back, I’m sure of it”, Ash whispers as he hides his hand in his pocket, saying a quick I’ll bring you something to eat, before leaving Goh alone with his own thoughts.

Once Ash is gone, Goh glances at his hand that still has Ash’s tender touch all over it as he silently curses himself for not intertwining their hands together.

🌸

– I'm too tired at night for all these games –

The sun setting, a new goal set in Goh’s mind – it’s getting late to try to catch a train back to Vermillion, so Ash and Goh decided to stay the night at Ash’s childhood house. Goh didn’t eat much during the dinner, he retreated earlier to Ash’s room saying that he’s tired, and when Ash is ready to call it a day too – Goh is not asleep at all, his eyes glued to the window, trying to catch a glimpse of even one star in the sky through it.

Ash eyes his friend worriedly. Goh was quite tense the whole day, and well, Ash can’t blame him, that’s Gary’s charm – to annoy people and tick them off. But Ash knows that it’s just Gary being Gary, it’s his way to push people forward, and Ash wishes Goh could recognize Gary’s teasing as encouragement as well.

“Are you okay?”, Ash quietly asks, standing next to Goh, their shoulders slightly brushing, and if Goh wouldn’t be so deep in thought, it would make him furiously blush.

“Yeah”, he breathes out, frowning at his own thoughts.

Gary is…whatever Ash has described the person he loves. 

Kind (well, that’s the part Goh can’t see in Gary right now, but he did save them, and helped to find Infernape, so that evens).

Smart and clever. 

He always supports me and I can always count on him.

Brave.

I admire his courage a lot, and he’s really confident in his goal. 

He’s one of the most beautiful people I’ve ever seen, I’m so mesmerized by his eyes. 

I’ve loved him for such a long time now.

Goh’s breath hitches down his throat. That handshake. He shouldn’t be jealous over Gary and Ash holding hands like that. They are just…friends. Friends who do handshakes a lot, just like Ash does with Goh too. With the difference that…Goh’s attraction is one-sided, and it’s clear as day that Ash loves Gary.

And Gary loves Ash.

Goh’s hand curls into a fist, and Ash glances at Goh worriedly.

“Hey, don’t put too much thought into it. Gary is just…Gary, but he’s a great friend. I’m sure you both could be great friends too”, Ash smiles, and Goh absentmindedly nods his head as Ash squeezes his shoulder comfortingly.

Goh can’t imagine being friends with someone as annoying as Gary Oak, but oh, how wrong he was. 

Goh can’t pinpoint the exact moment when he…grew closer to Gary. Gary can’t either, but he’s glad he did, because who else would let Goh cry into their shoulder when his yet another message to Ash is ignored?

“Do you think that he hates me?”, Goh sniffs one evening, and Gary tilts his head.

It’s getting late, and there’s no way he can catch the last train back to Pallet Town now. Guess he has to stay at the Cerise Laboratory overnight and catch the stream of endless tears that fall from Goh’s eyes.

“He’s a busy guy, besides, sometimes he tends to forget that he has a phone”, Gary tries to ease the tension by laughing softly, but it’s hard when he knows that he’s lying to his friend right now.

Gary doesn’t know what Ash is up to, but he feels he’s going through something that affects him mentally. He didn’t dare to message or call him yet, but when he saw Ash the last time, his eyes were lifeless, sad and up to no good – and Gary sees the result of that now in the shape of crying Goh into his shoulder. 

It’s so Ash to forget that he owns a phone and forget to keep in touch. It’s so Ash to run into a friend he hasn’t seen in months in another city and catch up with them then. But it isn’t so Ash to cut off his closest friend like that and ignore his messages. But Gary knows Ash enough to know he wouldn’t cut off someone he loves like that without any reason behind it. 

So Gary hopes that Ash will find the right path, gain the ground under his feet again, and fix what he’s ruined before it’s too late. 

Goh wipes some unshed tears from his eyes as he looks over at his phone – in hopes that it would light up with a message from Ash. But it’s Gary’s phone that lights up instead – but with a message from Tokio.

Goh snorts at that as he still can’t process the fact that two of his friends are dating. Goh can’t believe that Tokio can date someone like Gary, but opposites attract, he guesses. 

Goh is still a little bitter that Gary didn’t say anything about him dating Tokio, and Chloe had to help him figure it out. 

I always thought that Ash was the oblivious one, but you, Goh? Of course, they are dating, you didn’t notice anything?

And Goh did notice, Gary and Tokio’s delicate brushes of hands and their fond gaze at each other – Goh wasn’t oblivious, maybe his own aching heart, his own bitterness over being cut off like that by someone he really cares about made him blind to his friends’ happiness. 

Deep down, it didn’t make any sense to Goh. All this time, he thought that Gary and Ash were into each other, reciprocating each other’s feelings, but Gary fell in love with Tokio, and they are dating now.

Was Goh going insane? Was he wrong all this time? Was Ash talking about someone else? It couldn’t be…

“Gary?”, Goh quietly asks, and Gary glances at him, the tone of Goh’s voice making him worry. “Why did you never confess to Ash?”.

Gary almost chokes on his own breath. His eyes widen in disbelief at the question Goh has just asked as he blinks rapidly at his friend.

“W-what? What do you mean?”, he asks, still processing whatever Goh has uttered. 

“All this time, I thought you and Ash were head over heels over each other. One time he told me about the person he loves, I…it was obvious it was about you”, Goh says through his unshed tears, putting his face over his bent knees, and Gary just blinks at him in confusion before he loudly laughs.

Goh raises his brow at him. “What’s so funny?”.

“I’m sorry, Goh, but…I don’t think Ash was talking about me”, he offers, smiling over at him, honesty filling his smile.

Goh meets Gary’s gaze, his lips slightly gaped. “He–he wasn’t talking about you?”.

Gary shakes his head, and Goh frowns, being even more troubled right now.

“Then who?”, Goh’s voice breaks as he utters the question to himself, and Gary closes his eyes for a moment.

You. 

But he shouldn’t be the one to bless Goh with that answer.

🌸

– All of me changed like midnight rain –

Goh wouldn’t be himself if he didn't get lost in time while catching Pokemon. It’s dark now, it started to rain, and now he and Ash had to hide in the nearest cave.

In the dead of night.

Great.

“This rain sure was unexpected”, Ash says as he lets Pikachu out to the ground. He puts his backpack down as well, sitting and taking off his blue vest. 

Goh eyes him for a moment as he lets Grookey join Pikachu, but there’s no way he’s gonna take off his hoodie. He’s gonna be much colder without it than still wearing it on himself when it’s wet. 

“The rain should stop in one hour, so we’ll go and find the nearest Pokemon Centre then”, Goh says, checking his phone briefly, and Ash nods his head, going through his backpack to find some snacks.

He shares the first half with Pikachu and Grookey, then he splits the second half in another two halves, and he offers the bigger piece to Goh.

Goh blinks at Ash, confused, and maybe a little bit stunned, but eventually, he takes it, mumbling a quiet thank you. 

“We can try and find that Skitty tomorrow if you’d like”, Ash offers, smiling, but Goh shakes his head, not uttering anything in return, just hugging himself and putting his face over his bent knees.

Ash knows that Goh is cold, and spending the next hour or maybe more with a wet hoodie won’t be good for him, especially if he already shivers from cold and he tends to get sick easily.

“Are you sure you don’t wanna take off your hoodie?”, Ash asks, and Goh blushes delicately as he darts his gaze away, hiding his hands in his pockets.

“I-I’m fine”, Goh squeaks, and Ash raises his brow.

“Oh, are you just too shy to take it off while I’m here? I can look away”, Ash smiles, and Goh meets his gaze, stunned.

Those damn brown eyes.

“N-no, I-I mean, that’s not it”, Goh rushily says, shaking his head. “Okay, maybe that too, but today I just…didn’t put any shirt under my hoodie, so yeah, I just…I’ll be much colder if I take it off”, Goh shyly explains, looking down on his lap.

There’s an oh, I see coming from Ash as he tries not to draw much attention to Goh’s shy explanation. He knows Goh tends to be self-conscious, so giving him a silence in return will be the best option right now. 

So Ash does just that. There’s a moment of silence where Goh just dies from embarrassment. He made a fool of himself, didn’t he? Ash must have thought that he’s an idiot. He closes his eyes for a moment, only to open them seconds later when a soft blue material is being put over his shoulder. He looks over at Ash again, stunned and speechless.

Did Ash just put his own vest over him?

“I know it’s nothing, but maybe you’ll feel a little warmer with that. I hope, at least”, Ash sheepishly says, scratching his cheek, and turning his gaze over the cave’s opening to look at the sky. The clouds have already disappeared, and the rain stopped sooner than Goh has read, but seeing that Pikachu and Grookey fell asleep, they’re not gonna leave the cave soon.

There’s a quiet thank you coming from Goh as he blushes furiously. He burrows himself further into the vest, taking in the familiar comforting scent that it’s all over it. He tries to cover his face with the vest further when Ash shifts his attention to him again, pointing at the sky.

Goh follows his gaze. But when did the rain stop? Goh shakes his head to himself. It doesn’t matter now. It doesn’t matter when Ash whispers a quiet look at the stars.

So Goh does look at them, squinting his eyes and smiling as they fill his vision.

Look how they shine for you.

🌸

– You’re a bandit like me, eyes full of stars –

When it came to Goh’s birthdays, he usually was fast asleep quickly, trying to hide the disappointment when his parents broke yet another promise and had to stay for work longer. Again.

This year isn’t different, Goh has just turned fifteen and maybe, maybe he hoped his parents could magically appear in the Laboratory out of thin air. 

So now he sits – per usual – in his favorite place, atop of the Laboratory counting stars in the sky, reminiscing on his day. Chloe organised a small birthday party for him, which was a total surprise. She did it with Ash’s help, and Ash’s heart sank that firstly – Goh has never had a birthday party before, secondly – he has never mentioned to him what his birthday date is!!, and Chloe laughed that she waited 3 years until she discovered when Goh’s birthday was too. 

Thankfully, Chloe started to organize everything two days prior to Goh’s birthday, so Ash was still able to buy something for him – which was a bag full of Pokeballs, and Goh thanked him, laughing softly over how thoughtful he is. There was Chloe’s cake, some nice conversations with Professor Cerise, Ren and Chrysa. There was a tour with Parker in the park to show him the new Pokemon he has caught. Even Ash’s mom was able to arrive – she brought another two cakes for good measure –, and the only thing that was missing was Goh’s family, and Goh tries to not feel bitter about it.

After all, his parents have an important job.

But Goh wishes if only for a moment he could be more important than their job. 

A sob almost escapes Goh’s lips, but he’s able to bite his tongue in time when Ash finds him and offers him the most sympathetic smile he can give him in the moment. Goh blinks the tears away, and it’s nice how the stars look less blurry now.

“I’m sorry that your parents couldn’t make it”, is all Ash offers, and Goh lets out a tired exhale. He doesn’t need anyone’s pity, especially when it comes to that. “You really never had a birthday party?”, he asks, still shocked, well, it’s less shocking than it would have been if Ash wouldn’t know how alone Goh was throughout his childhood.

“Ash, my parents couldn’t make it to the party organized by someone else, and you think they would have time to organize one for me?”, Goh says, maybe more harshly than he intended, and Ash bites his lips so as not to say anything else that could tick off his friend further. “I’m pretty sure they were at least present when I was born”, Goh quietly says, it was meant more as a joke, but coming from Goh’s lips, it comes out more bitter and painful.

Ash doesn’t even dare to look at his friend right now, even the stars started to fade away. And whatever Goh is gonna utter next, Ash isn’t ready for it. It breaks his heart into tiny pieces. “Besides, who would they even invite? Who would have come? I didn’t have many friends. No, I didn’t have any friends, Ash, not as many as you. So tell me, who would have come to my birthday party? Especially when I was considered a Pokemon freak, cry baby and a weakling. No one liked me, Ash, no one, expect for Chloe”, Goh says, his voice raised too high in the dead of the night, broken as tears fill his eyes again before he storms off and leaves Ash alone.

Ash stands there for a moment, not being sure if he should follow and tick Goh off further or if he should give him some space to calm down and leave him alone with his own feelings that break him. Taking a deep breath, Ash decides on the first option as he first checks their room for any sign of Goh. There’s no one except for their Pokemon, so Ash decides to check one more place, and he breathes out in relief when Goh in fact is in the park, looking for the stars in the sky again.

Ash carefully sits next to him, and Goh scoots over to make more space for Ash. There’s the calming breeze, stars in the sky, and quietness accompanied by occasional sniffing. 

And there’s Ash’s quiet confession. “The truth is, I started to have more friends after I turned ten. After I became a trainer, I started to visit more places and somehow I became a magnet for people and Pokemon. I don’t know what draws people towards me, I’m…reckless”. 

A nod.

“I do things without thinking”.

A nod.

“Sometimes I say some dumb stuff”.

A nod.

“And maybe, I don’t see certain things, so maybe I am oblivious".

A nod. Twice.

Ash groans, and Goh snorts when Ash turns to glare at him.

“Thanks for the confirmation”, Ash chuckles, shifting his attention back to the sky. “When I was little, people were looking at me weirdly too. I don’t remember having many friends either. I had Gary, but…you know, he’s an annoying ass and he was teasing me more”.

Goh’s heart aches at the mention of Gary’s name as he exhales a shaky breath.

“But what I’m trying to say is…if you are a Pokemon freak, then I am a Pokemon freak, too. Knowing a lot about Pokemon shouldn’t be something to be ashamed of, you should be proud of it, embrace it. I find it cool that you can recite Mew’s Pokedex entry. That’s ado–”, he clears his throat as he corrects himself. “Awesome”, he smiles as Goh turns to face him, his lips gaped, his eyes widened, like he couldn’t believe what Ash is saying. 

“Y-you mean it?”, Goh asks, his voice strained, and Ash nods his head, smiling widely. 

Goh puts his hand on the grass, curling it into a small fist. It’s close enough to touch now, and if Ash would move it forward, he could intertwine Goh’s hand with his own, but all he can do is to delicately brush it with his finger – the touch that Goh barely can register in the midst of the emotional rollercoaster of feelings.

“Let’s be Pokemon freaks together”, Ash whispers, smiling, and Goh lets out a soft laugh. It’s the best sound Ash has ever heard. It warms Ash’s heart like a beautiful song.

There’s a moment of silence where Goh looks over at the stars again, his eyes still sad, but the stars reflect in them so beautifully that Ash swears he sees a glint of bliss in Goh’s blue eyes.

“I just…”, Ash breathes out softly. “If you would only see yourself the way you see everyone else, the way I always see you”, he quietly utters, and Goh’s lips gape a little, but his eyes fill with tears that thankfully don’t fall. He meets Ash’s gentle touch on his hand halfway, giving a delicate brush to his finger that was tracing his own.

Ash immediately takes his hand away, placing it on his knee, offering a warm smile instead. 

Goh smiles back as he glances at his empty hand, basking in the memory of the gentle touch that was on it seconds ago.

🌸

– Meet me there tonight and let me know that it's not all in my mind –

It’s another sleepless night like many others, but tonight, Goh cries himself to sleep. He didn’t mean to cry, but he didn’t even realize until it was too late when a pathetic sob escaped his lips.

They’re already back in Vermillion from Galar, and whatever goal Goh has set for himself for this trip – he can put it on the list of failed attempts.

I don’t think I’m able to keep my feelings from Ash hidden anymore. I think I want to confess to him. I hope he tells me he loves me the same. I hope he doesn't laugh, or worse, walk away. We’re going to Galar tomorrow. Wish me luck, diary. 

And believe him, he tried to catch that damn Applin, he tried…but Grookey scared her off, and now when Goh thinks about it – it was for the better, because there is no way he could confess to Ash and tell him how he feels about him.

With a frustrated sigh, and another stifled sob, Goh hides his diary under the pillow, before he turns on his right side, hoping the tiredness he feels from crying will lull him to sleep.

But Goh doesn’t even close his eyes, as a quiet, mocking laugh leaves his lips.

How could he even…think of confessing to Ash? When Ash is head over heels for someone else?

Goh recalls how softly Ash has spoken about the person who stole his heart. And that person loves Ash back. And it’s Gary. It has to be Gary. How could Goh think that Ash could even love him? How could Goh think of confessing to Ash, only to hear I’m sorry, Goh, but you see, I love someone else, and that would break Goh’s heart in tiny pieces.

Just thinking about it breaks Goh’s already broken heart, and another sob leaving his lips is proof of it.

“Goh, are you okay?”, Goh hears out of blue, so he bites his lips to stifle his sniffing, but there’s no point – Ash has already climbed the ladder and he sleepily tries to pick up Goh’s shaking silhouette in the dark.

“I’m fine”, Goh quietly mumbles as he sniffs again, and he curses himself for waking Ash up in the midst of his late night overthinking. 

Ash frowns as worry washes over his face. He quietly asks Pikachu if he could spark his cheeks for some light, and the sight he’s welcome with doesn’t ease his worry at all.

“You’re crying, so I think you’re not fine at all”, Ash says with concern as he places his hand over Goh’s blanket-covered body, and Goh tenses underneath Ash’s touch. 

“I’m sorry for waking you up”, is all Goh offers, ignoring Ash’s words from seconds ago. Ash just sighs, because he knows it’s yet another time when Goh closes himself off and prefers to be alone with his own thoughts.

“It’s okay, I’m glad I did so you won’t have to be alone right now”, it’s a risky thing to say. Chances are that Goh will hit him with another I’m fine and tell him to go back to sleep.

But Goh slightly relaxes under Ash’s hand that still hasn’t left his hip. It starts to feel embarrassing, and heat washes over Goh’s face when Ash utters I can keep you company, and all Goh can do is to admit defeat as he slowly nods his head. Ash, feeling satisfied, scooches closer and rests his back over the pillow. 

Goh tenses at the sudden closeness, it can’t compare with the feeling of Ash’s hand over his body, but it still somewhat turns Goh into an equally speechless mess. He still doesn’t turn around to face Ash, but Ash doesn’t mind that. He’s sure Goh’s face is equally beautiful as his back right now. 

A comfortable silence fills the room. Goh is visibly calmer right now as he’s not crying anymore, and his body doesn’t shake from all the heavy emotions. Some occasional sniffs still leave him, though, which makes Ash worriedly glance at him, but he decides to not bring any attention to it as he stares at the ceiling instead.

Goh will surely tell him what’s wrong when he’s ready, yeah?

And Goh does voice out what’s on his mind minutes later, more or less.

“Ash, do you think I’m worth being loved?”, he quietly utters, and Ash almost chokes on the air, making him speechless and confused.

He blinks at Goh’s silhouette, before he clears his throat when he realizes he’s been silent more than he should have. “Of course, you are, you’re awesome. Why do you ask?”.

“Oh, I guess, I just wonder”, another quiet reply as Goh tucks himself further into the blanket.

Do you think I’m worth your love? is unspoken as it hangs above Goh heavily, digging into his aching heart.

“Why is this on your mind this late at night?”, Ash chuckles, and a small smile curls on Goh’s lips upon hearing Ash laugh.

Because I love you. And you won’t ever see me this way.

Someone else loves you. They stole your heart, and it could never be me.

I watch your eyes and I'm in riddles, why can't you look at me like that?

I wish that was me.

You will never think of me that way.

I've been waiting all this time to finally say it, now I see your heart's been taken, and I was scared of being rejected and left being hurt even more, so I…gave up.

Goh bites his lips instead. There’s no way he could ever voice out any of it to Ash. So he can at least pretend that he’s already asleep.

So he does. 

Ash knows that Goh isn’t asleep, but he won’t push Goh into voicing out more than he wants, so instead, he smiles to himself, wishing he could be brave enough to wash all of Goh’s doubts away. He opens his mouth, but not a single word leaves his lips, even if he could say a thousand words to Goh right now. His tongue gets tied, the words get trapped.

Of course you are. You’re my best friend. You’re awesome, and I love you.

I wish you could see yourself through my eyes. 

I’m drowning in the depths of your ocean eyes every day.

I hear the beat of my heart getting louder whenever I'm near you.

You think that I love someone else, but all this time, you were on my mind. You’re the one that stole my heart away.

I never understood what love was really like, but I felt it for the first time looking in your eyes.

I wish you could feel the same way about me.

Ash bites his lips as he looks over at Goh with a longing stare – his eyes soft and shining bright in the dead of night, wishing Goh could know how he takes Ash’s breath away, how fast his heart beats whenever Goh is near him, and how he occupies every single part of Ash’s heart. 

🌸

– It’s like a million little stars spelling out your name –

The one sleepless night that Goh would rather forget is the one before he and Ash were supposed to go their separate ways. He couldn’t handle his feelings anymore, so he went and sat in front of the Laboratory. He wasn’t going to watch the stars that night, but just to be with his own thoughts and feelings that occupied his heart.

None of this feels right anymore.

It doesn’t feel right how Goh was excited to start his own journey, but the excitement isn’t there any more when Goh thinks about not being around Ash anymore. They’re not gonna travel together anymore. Pikachu won’t wake them up with Thunderbolt when they’ll be late to start the day. Goh won’t hear Ash eat too loudly or slurp anymore – it had its own charm because Goh loved to share the meals in Ash’s company. There will be no running together, Goh won’t share Ash’s excitement for new battle challenges, and Ash won’t squeeze Goh’s shoulder to congratulate him on a new catch. No more high fives, no more fist bumps. No more you did it, Goh. Goh won’t run to Ash anymore to praise how well he and his Pokemon battled together. 

And it doesn’t feel right. 

Deep down, Goh knows that he can call Ash and message him, and maybe at some point, they can make some plans to see each other, but right now…Goh hugs Grookey tighter and lets out his feelings in the endless waterfall of tears.

And when Goh looks up at the stars for the first time that night, blurry-eyed, he needs to blink twice to get rid of the mirage, because there is no way that the stars could spell Ash’s name in the sky right now. 

And if Goh would squint his eyes, he would see Ash’s face reflected in the moon. 

🌸

– I thought I was better safe than starry-eyed –

And Goh wishes someone could tell him how wrong he was during another sleepless night when Goh realizes that nothing will ever be the same as it was. Maybe he lived in delusion all this time, thinking that Ash cares about him the same as he always cared for him. His heart aches painfully as he eyes his phone for the umpteenth time this night. Not only this night, but each time during previous nights and days for the past weeks, hoping it would light up with the familiar name written on it. But it didn’t – not even once, and it hurts. Hurts a lot, because Ash promised Goh that he can call him anytime when something bothers him, and when Goh does just that, when he craves to hear Ash’s comforting voice – Ash doesn’t pick up, he doesn’t message back, like Goh wouldn’t exist anymore. 

Ash swore nothing would change between them, but a lot has changed. For worse. Ash doesn’t care anymore, and Goh cares way too much in contrast. Maybe he shouldn’t, maybe he should give up on Ash just like Ash gave up on him.

But Goh can’t erase the three previous years just like that – all the adventures, all the ups and downs together, all the sleepless nights spent stargazing together when Ash comforted him, telling him that everything will be okay in the end. Maybe these were just empty promises, maybe Ash just threw words to the wind, and even with that, Goh can’t erase Ash from his life.

He’ll keep messaging Ash until his thumbs fall off from the tiredness, because Goh can’t give up on the love of his life just like that. 

But maybe he should.

If Ash doesn't care, why should Goh care? Why should he let Ash occupy his mind every second of the day, when all Ash does is ignore him and pretend Goh doesn’t exist anymore. 

Goh knows he lost Ash already. He tried to keep in touch, hoping his phone would ring with the familiar name written on it. Hoping Goh would be welcome with the soothing voice he craved to hear. 

Maybe Goh should give up, maybe he gave up already with the last diary entry he has written. 

Six months gone, and I’m still reaching, even though I know you're not there. You took the sun, the moon, and the stars, now I’m walking all alone in the dark.

Maybe Goh has already given up, but when he will look up at the stars again tonight, he will be proven wrong once again, when he will see the reminder on the moon in the shape of Ash reflecting in it. 

Sometimes I still feel you next to me, but it’s my imagination tricking my mind into believing you’re still here. I really miss you. I miss you lots, more than I, my voice, or tears, can express. I still live in delusion that we’ll see each other again. Deep down, I know it’s not a delusion, I keep holding onto it, I believe one day, we’ll see each other again. But for now, I’ll meet you in the stars and moon in the night sky like I always do. I’m still trying to get to you. I love you, Ash, always.

Goh feels lifeless, and he lies to himself that he has given up on Ash long ago, but deep down, he still cares. 

And Ash cares too, if only Goh could know that. 

If only Goh could know that Ash has the same amount of sleepless nights as him, telling himself that there is nothing he could do to get Goh back in his life. 

Ash lost Goh, and it’s all Ash’s fault. And Goh’s hope breaks him each time his phone lights up with yet another ignored message.

🌸

– ‘Cause darling, I'm a nightmare dressed like a daydream –

If Goh acts differently one day, he’s way too cold towards Ash, and maybe ignoring him, but Ash tries not to make a big deal out of it. Maybe Goh’s in a bad mood, or maybe he has had a bad day in general, and Ash tries to understand what’s wrong. It’s tougher when his boyfriend is just quiet most of the day, caught up in his head and upset at Ash with something. If Ash tried to start a conversation, Goh just nodded his head and replied with one word, humming, so Ash dropped the conversation altogether, seeing that Goh isn’t his talkative self.

And the evening isn’t better. After taking a shower, Goh escapes to the top bunk. He's not planning to share the bed with Ash that night, and if it makes him more confused and concerned – he keeps it to himself for now and gives Goh the space he wants.

Despite the distance, Ash falls asleep quickly, but he’s woken up by a sudden and terrified scream. Ash gets up, alerted as he climbs up to the top bunk to see his boyfriend breathing heavily, covered in sweat, and maybe on the verge of a panic attack.

“Goh, baby?”, Ash softly says, delicately tracing Goh’s hand with his finger. Thankfully, Goh reacts to his voice. He quickly turns to face him and he reaches his hand to touch Ash everywhere he can reach. Reaching for something that hadn’t been here for the past months, shocked and terrified, uttering a quiet you’re here. 

Ash is not sure what’s going on, but he threads his hand with Goh’s, and Goh seems to breathe out in relief at the contact because he squeezes Ash’s hand right away.

“Yeah, I’m here”, Ash whispers, and a tear falls from Goh’s eye after hearing that. Ash reaches his other hand to wipe it off, before he places a soft kiss on Goh’s cheek. “Is something wrong?”, Ash carefully asks, fidgeting with Goh’s hand in the hold, and Goh takes a deep breath.

“I’m sorry, I’m just–”, a tired sigh. “I know I’ve been acting off today”, Goh lets out, and Ash whispers a quiet scoot over, so Goh scoots toward the wall to make some space for Ash, and he gets under the covers right away, hugging Goh close to his chest. “It’s just um…today is like the anniversary day of the time you cut me off, and I just…”, Goh bites down the sob, and Ash tightens the hold around Goh’s body.

“You’re still thinking about it?”, Ash frowns, and Goh exhales a shaky breath.

“Can you blame me?”, he asks, his voice slightly raised, but he tones it down when Grookey shifts in his sleep.

Ash doesn’t blame Goh at all, he takes the whole responsibility for these awful months on himself. He knows that one month of dating won’t magically fix what’s been broken inside Goh.

“I just had a bad dream, and I guess I still can’t believe that you’re here and I can wake up next to you”, Goh quietly confesses, and Ash places a soft kiss atop of his head.

“Sometimes I have bad dreams about it too, you know? I wake up relieved that you’re here next to me, that you’ve forgiven me, and that I can hold you in my arms every night now”, Ash utters, brushing some of Goh’s hair from his forehead. “I think these dreams will stay with us for some time, but I'm not going anywhere, I promise”, Ash whispers, and Goh buries himself further into Ash’s comforting embrace, letting the reassurance sink into his heart.

It’s another yet sleepless night for Goh, still feeling shaken up after the dream. Ash was able to fall asleep minutes ago with his hand settled in Goh’s hair. Goh smiles to himself as he’s basking in the comfort of the waking at night and watching Ash breathe next to him. 

🌸

– Stars all aligned and they intertwined –

But there are some certain sleepless nights that Goh adores and he wouldn’t exchange them for anything else. These nights are always tied to Alola. They are full of quietness, calming but chilly breeze, staring at the endless ocean, stars shining in the sky – like they always are, but something about them feels more peaceful than usual.

The first night in Alola was the most memorable for Goh – being the first time on the island, getting to know Ash’s friends and his Alolan family left Goh way too excited to fall asleep afterward, so he sneaked outside the house in hope the breeze could calm him down. 

Ash wouldn’t be himself if he wouldn’t wake up in the process of Goh leaving the room, and Goh always feels guilty about it, but Ash secretly loves to share these sleepless nights with his friend…er, crush? – he's still confused about the whole being in love thing, so forgive him –, and watch the shining stars as well.

“I’m glad you love it here”, Ash breathes out, and Goh fidgets with the sand beneath his palm.

“Yeah, it feels like…”, Goh utters quietly, tipping his head to the side in thought.

“Home”, Ash finishes, and Goh smiles to himself as he puts his face over his knees, hugging them with his arms. He couldn’t find a better word.

“Yeah, home”, Goh whispers as he basks in the comfort of the stars and the moonlight shining over his face.

Ash glances at him, but he darts his eyes away when Goh catches his gaze. A pink blush rushes to his cheeks, and Goh softly laughs, looking at the stars again. He rests his hands over the sand again, but one of them lands on Ash’s hand instead, and Ash tenses at the contact. 

Oh. It feels nice.

“It’s cold, you can go inside”, Goh proposes, feeling how cold Ash’s hand is, but Ash shakes his head.

“I’ll stay with you for a little longer”, he hears Ash whisper, and he smiles to himself.

He takes his hand away, regretfully though, and Ash already hates how empty his hand feels, missing the brief, but warm hold.

But there was a time when Goh didn’t take his hand away, years later. It was yet another sleepless night, under an equally starry Alolan sky. A lot of unspoken words were finally said, a lot of fears and doubts were voiced out, and Goh didn’t move his hand even once during Ash’s explanation. The tension around them finally wore off. The months of doubt, of feelings of betrayal, of broken promises and trust, of unawareness of what’s been happening, were finally explained, talked through during one night. It was all gone. The pain in their eyes finally faded away, it was exchanged with hope instead. 

Goh, the truth is…I loved you from the very first day. 

Ash confessed that night, and maybe Goh didn’t say it back that night, but Ash still felt the love in the squeeze of Goh’s hand, in his ocean blue eyes that got color into them again, in his comforting words and how softly he has spoken to Ash despite the months spent being heartbroken and aching for closure.

Goh was shining again, just like the stars that shine in the endless sky each night, just like the moon shining its own light. Goh shined too, just like moonlight, the light reflecting in his eyes as he admired them in the sky every night. 

Days later, it slipped Ash’s lips on its own – you’re my moonlight. 

You know, you love to stargaze, and I think you are shining more beautifully than any of the stars in the night sky, so yeah, you’re like moonlight, my moonlight.

And Ash meant every word. From the first night that Ash joined Goh to stargaze, and Goh showed him constellations – Ash loved to sneak to stargaze with Goh. Part of him did that to understand Goh more and so he won’t have to be alone with his feelings and overflowing thoughts, and the second part of him did it to admire the beautiful reflection of the stars and moon in his favorite blue eyes.  

When Ash was alone, he sometimes stargazed on his own, hoping Goh would do the same and think of him too, hoping Goh misses him too. Stars reminded him of Goh, they were always part of him that would never be erased. 

But when Ash is with Goh…Goh is his little star that always shines brighter than any star in the sky. He always shows him his way, comforts him the way stars have always comforted Goh since his childhood. They are each other’s moonlights, and the pattern on Goh’s engagement ring proves it.

And that is Goh’s favorite sleepless night he has ever had. The sun was setting when Ash got on his knees to ask Goh to spend the rest of their lives together. And despite the sleepless night, despite his mind being occupied with a lot of thoughts, Goh didn’t leave the house to stargaze that night. He didn’t need to. He didn’t need the stars that night. He didn’t want to. Ash faded all these thoughts away with each kiss he placed on Goh’s lips that night, on his cheeks, on his neck, on his chest – everywhere his lips could reach. Ash was his little star that night, shining brighter than any stars in the sky, moonlight reflecting in his brown eyes, staring into depths of Goh’s ocean blue ones.

Their hands intertwined, Goh gave in all the same to every kiss Ash initiated that night, brushing the ring on Goh’s finger each time – the little promise to stay forever.

They stared into each other's eyes, blue to brown, like they always love to – content with the future hanging above them, content with not falling asleep at all that night, because every time Ash leaned into Goh’s proximity, Goh connected their lips into yet another kiss, craving the contact again and again. 

No matter if it was a deep and long kiss, or a sweet and soft one, or maybe just a quick and lazy brush of their lips just to stay close to each other – Goh was content with that. He loved it all, he craved to stay awake that night, to not fall asleep and just share lazy kisses with Ash, savoring their future, savoring their promise. 

Goh is content with sleepless nights like that – without any fears and doubts circling in his mind, feeling Ash by his side, close to him, showering him with love and comfort, and deep inside, Goh hopes there will be more sleepless nights in the future like that to come.

Like that one right now where they are having their staring contest, blue and brown looking into each other in the dead of night. Goh usually gives up easily, feeling vulnerable under Ash’s piercing gaze, and oh, tonight is no different, not because he’s feeling fragile, but because the tiredness finally is slowly overcoming him. Goh closes his eyes for a moment – admitting defeat, and he opens them up mere seconds later to see Ash snorting at him.

“You lost again”, Ash chuckles, before he leans to place a soft kiss on Goh’s nose, which makes him giggle.

Ash: 1

Goh: 0

The new year has just started, and Goh has already lost their first staring contest this year. 

There’s a sleepy I’ll win the next one mumble, to which Ash laughs some more, before he brings Goh’s body closer to him. Goh buries his face into Ash’s chest, and Ash wraps his arms around his waist at once, caging him, without any chance of escaping his tight hold.

Not that Goh plans to. Not that he wants to. He could stay in Ash’s arms forever. Well, at least until Ash’s body won’t become a hot furnace, and his heat will be unbearable to handle, so Goh hopes he will drift off quickly, so he can stay in Ash’s hold, unbeknownst to his heat.

As Goh closes his eyes again and mumbles a soft I love you that is muffled by Ash’s chest, Ash smiles to himself as he tightens his hold around Goh’s body, whispering I love you too back.

And that’s when Goh can allow himself to get some rest.

🌸

Late one night

You dug me out of my grave and

Saved my heart from the fate of Ophelia

Keep it one hundred on the land, the sea, the sky

Pledge allegiance to your hands, your team, your vibes

Don't care where the hell you've been 'cause now you're mine

It's 'bout to be the sleepless night you've been dreaming of