Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

No words appear before me in the aftermath

Salt streams out my eyes and into my ears

Every single thing I touch becomes sick with sadness

'Cause it's all over now, all out to sea

So I'll say words I don't believe

🌸

And it’s done.

Another page of the diary is filled with words.

Well, maybe he’s not quite as done as he thought he was.

Goh is still going, even if he planned to stop writing minutes ago, and yet, his hand didn’t stop moving, his hand didn’t wander off from the page. At this point, Goh doesn’t know what he’s writing. He feels numb, his head is empty, but his hand keeps writing. 

He still keeps writing, even if Ash comes back to the room, and the sound of a faint conversation reaches his ears. 

“Yes, mom, that’s the plan for now. We’re not sure how long. However long Goh needs to, I think. Oh yeah”, a soft laugh. “We’ll visit you before we leave. I told you it’s just a plan for now!”, a glance towards Goh, followed by a worried frown at his fast writing, and oh, did Ash hear sniffing right now? He needs to do something about it. “Yeah, mom. I think I need to check on him. No, no, don’t worry, I’m sure he’s fine. He’s still processing a lot. I’ll call you when we plan to come to Pallet. I do, too, I love you, too. Bye”, Ash hangs up with a sigh as he approaches his partner, trying not to startle him. 

Delicately, he separates Goh’s moving hand from the paper, and Goh gasps for air. Ash’s other hand is placed on his shoulder as he briefly glances at the diary. He doesn’t dare to take a proper look, it feels illegal with how fragile the diary feels now with how many personal thoughts it’s filled with.

“Do you even know what you’ve written here?”, Ash raises his brow, chuckling, and Goh blinks at what he has written.

Goh’s handwriting is always graceful, and it took him some time to learn to write in cursive. But right now, it’s messy, and Ash, even if he would try to read whatever Goh has just scribbled – he wouldn’t be able to decode any of it.

Goh’s not sure if he knows himself what he has written now, but the tightness on his chest has loosened a little by emptying his heart from all these heavy thoughts – at least there’s that.

He still feels anxious though, and just at the thought of his anxiety, he tightens the hold around the pen in his hand, but Ash quickly saves its life as he loosens the hold and places a soft kiss over Goh’s open palm, putting the pen aside. “You don’t wanna spill the ink all over yourself”, he says, closing the diary, and Goh blinks again when the page disappears from his vision.

There’s another kiss placed atop of Goh’s head, Ash’s arms wrapped around his body, and Goh starts to feel a little bit like himself again at feeling the familiar touch. “Let’s take a break, I’ll go and feed the Pokemon, and afterwards, we can take a nice, long nap. What do you think?”, Ash asks, and Goh nods his head as a small smile tugs on his lips when Ash brushes his hand softly.

Goh hears you know where to find me whispered to his ear before Ash heads downstairs, and with a heavy sigh as he decides to at least go and accompany Ash from afar.

Grookey immediately jumps on his shoulder when he spots his trainer, and Goh scratches him under his chin as a welcome. Chloe waves to him from afar, and Goh offers her a smile – a weak, sorrowful one before he decides to go back to the Laboratory. The only thing that stopped him is the conversation that Chloe just started with Ash, and Goh knows he shouldn’t be eavesdropping, but the curiosity got the better of him.

“You were right, he does look lifeless”, Chloe chews on her lips, and Ash hums, instructing Raichu where to take the bowls full of food.

“Such big trauma would do that to everyone”, is all Ash offers, and Chloe’s eyes squint in sadness.

“He acts differently, I don’t think I recognize him anymore, it’s like…it’s not the same Goh anymore”, Chloe says, taking one bowl into her hands, deciding to help, and Ash stops in his tracks.

“Is that a problem?”, Ash’s eyebrows furrow, and Chloe shakes her head.

She’s seen Goh in a much worse state than that.

“Of course not, I’m just stating a fact, a result of my observation”, she chuckles, trying to ease the tension, and Ash drops the topic for now, focusing on his task. “Must be hard for you, though, to deal with all of it”, Chloe says out of blue, and something in Ash snaps.

“Chloe, I don’t fucking care. I fell in love with him when I didn’t know half of the stuff he's going through, and I won’t stop loving him when I see every version of him every day and every night. He’s my Goh, someone I love, someone I care about, someone I want to marry. No matter his struggles and his trauma”, Ash raises his voice, and Chloe closes her gaped lips and settles on being silent instead. Much calmer, he adds afterwards. “But I wish he would tell me more how he feels lately”, is all Ash offers, calming down from his frustration, and Chloe frowns.

“What do you mean?”, she asks, and Ash lets out a heavy sigh.

“I mean, he either writes in his diary or he goes to see Betty, and I…I just exist. He cuts me off in that way, he doesn’t talk to me about how he feels at all. I’m playing a guessing game each night”, Ash says, some bitterness filling his voice, and Goh bites his lips before a sob can leave his mouth.

He heard enough. 

Tears streaming down his face, he hides in the first room in the Laboratory he can reach upstairs, which happens to be their old room. Goh lays on the bottom bunk as a violent sob finally leaves him, causing another wave of emotions crushing over him. He fists his hand over the bed covers, which still smell like Ash, even if they changed the bed covers long ago for the fresh ones. 

Suddenly, there’s a hand over his upper back, someone calls his name with such softness, trying to offer some comfort, and Goh doesn’t even have enough time to process how the hell Ash has found him, because he maneuvers Goh’s body so he can lay atop of him, hand stroking his hair at a slow, comforting pace.

“At this point, I’m not even offended that you always end up eavesdropping my conversations”, Ash chuckles, and another sob leaves Goh’s lips.

“I…”,  Goh tries, but Ash hushes him down.

“Shh, here, focus on how it’s beating for you”, Ash whispers, and Goh buries himself further into Ash’s embrace, focusing on his steady heartbeat.

When another sob threatens to leave his lips, Ash just hugs him tighter with his arm, whispering a soft reassurance to his ear, and under the spell of Ash’s comfort, Goh was able to close his tired eyes and get some rest.

🌸

Goh wakes up, gasping, his heart beating fast, his eyes widened as he takes in the surroundings.

He’s not in their old room, he’s in their current room with a king sized bed instead. He doesn’t feel like he would be crying at all, but he does lay atop of Ash – which must be crushing him, but he doesn’t look bothered at all by feeling Goh’s weight all over his body. He just casually scrolls through his phone, with Pikachu occupying his head, well was scrolling through his phone, because his gaze shifted to Goh once he woke up – startled and breathing heavily. Pikachu hopped to Ash’s shoulder to look concerned at Goh too with his big, black eyes.

Goh blinks a few times, confused. “Did I–did I write in the diary today?”, he asks, still breathing heavily, and Ash frowns worriedly.

“Uh, yeah?”, he says, concerned over Goh’s current agitated state, so he moves his hand across Goh’s back in a steady motion.

“And did you feed the Pokemon with Chloe today?”, he asks, moving his hand over his sweaty forehead, and it’s Ash’s turn to be confused. 

“Uh, no?”, he chuckles, and Goh tilts his head.

“Huh? No?”, Goh echoes, and Ash moves his other hand to Goh’s cheek to trace it with his thumb.

“Chloe left for Sinnoh with Dawn yesterday, remember? She comes back next week”, Ash reminds, and Goh takes a deep breath.

“Oh, right”, he utters quietly, and Ash offers him a warm smile. “Then, it must have been just a dream”, he whispers, still feeling uneasy from the dream, and Ash tightens his hold around Goh’s waist.

But Goh does entangle himself from Ash’s hold for a moment to get his diary from under his pillow, and he goes through the last written pages quickly. Well, that part wasn’t a dream, at least.

“Hey, it’s okay, breathe”, Ash whispers, still eyeing Goh worriedly. He resumes moving his hand across Goh’s upper back, and Goh can breathe a little easier now.

It takes Goh a few deep breaths to calm himself down while Ash comforts him with all the reassurance he can offer.

The last shaky breath escapes his lips as he eventually lays again – atop of Ash, which seems to be the most comfortable position for Goh right now. Ash immediately wraps his arm around his waist, and Goh buries himself further into Ash’s embrace, with his face in the crook of his neck.

“Isn’t your body getting numb? Am I crushing you?”, Goh mumbles after a beat of silence, and Ash softly laughs.

“You didn’t seem to question it one hour ago in your sleep when you decided to lay all over me”, Ash teases, and Goh blushes delicately, turning his head in an attempt to save himself from the misery of embarrassment. He decides to free Ash from his weight as the apology is on the tip of his tongue, but Ash stops him by squeezing his waist. “Stay, you seem to be comfortable”, he whispers, and Goh kisses his neck as a thank you.

As Goh closes his eyes, Ash focuses on his phone again, writing down what they could do and what places they could visit while being in Paldea. Pikachu decides to lay over Goh’s shoulder, and Goh chuckles at that, petting his tail a few times.

“It glowed”, Ash whispers out of blue, and Goh hums. “The egg, it glowed”, he repeats quietly, and Goh smiles to himself.

“I’m sure it’ll hatch soon then”, Goh says, covering his own yawn, and Ash chuckles to himself as he places a soft kiss on Goh's hair.

He closes his eyes as well, putting his phone aside, and with the last squeeze to Goh’s waist, he can let himself get some rest, too.

🌸

They surely could do something productive, but neither of them dared to leave the warmth of the bed yet. It’s around 4 p.m, but considering Goh’s earlier anxiety, Ash decided to message Chrysa if she could feed the Pokemon before she leaves the institute. 

And Goh feels guilty about it. 

Each part of the dream seemed to reflect the truth that Goh tried to deny for the past week. When he saw Betty last week, he told her that the anxiety pills she prescribed him make him feel…weird. Even if he feels less anxious, he feels more tired after taking them, he lost some appetite, and most importantly, he lost interest in doing most of the chores, research, and going outside to catch Pokemon.

And Goh wishes he would stop blaming the pills for his messed up mental health and for his lack of energy.

Betty did confirm that the tiredness may be a side effect, and asked Goh if he would set aside the pills since he’s not as anxious anymore, but he couldn’t give the proper answer. For the most part, he does feel less anxious, and it’s easier to breathe, so Goh has to give the pills credit for that. They were quite helpful with the anxiety, but the more severe tiredness is all Goh wishes to get rid off. He knows his gloomy mood affects everyone around him, and deep down, Goh knows that his lack of energy towards what he loves doing, his moodiness and distance he craves isn’t the pills’ fault.

Hopefully, it’s the healing process – that’s what Goh hopes for. But would the healing process make him act so cold? Distance himself from the person that held his hand in his darkest hours?

Betty only hummed, noted something in her notebook and proposed to keep the pills for the remaining month, and if Goh would still feel the same way, she would try to prescribe different ones or to drop them altogether, seeing that his anxiety is on an even level again to how it was around the trial.

So Goh decided to give the pills yet another chance, but now he wonders if they are behind his earlier dream.

The dream was…something Goh was afraid to face – that people will notice how much he has changed. Lately, he does act differently, and he may come off sadder than usual. He spends most of his days writing in the diary. It’s enough for him that he doesn’t need to tell Ash how he feels. Goh doesn’t remember the last time he had a proper conversation with Ash that didn’t end with him shrugging or giving a one word response, except the talk they had hours earlier after the dream had happened. At this point, Goh wonders if Ash even remembers how his voice sounds. 

What a lovely fiancé he is. 

I don’t think I recognize him anymore, it’s like…it’s not the same Goh anymore, Chloe in the dream was right, and that’s what Goh feared the most, that people would notice how much he changed, and Goh doesn’t know what to do to be his old self again. Deep down, he hoped the pills that Betty prescribed him would help him feel calmer, and maybe he could be happier again, living his life like he used to, but it turns out they did the opposite. Goh is more gloomy, moody, sad, and he can’t even look at his own reflection in the mirror.

And the worst part of it is…Ash is still here. No matter how Goh acts, how cold he may be, how many tears fall from his eyes – Ash is still here, holding him tight, not being bothered by Goh’s distance and how fucked up his mental health is lately.

Goh exhales yet another shaky breath, which must have tickled Ash in the neck because he giggles under his breath, and Goh smiles at that. The smile drops soon after when Goh realizes that maybe the best option will be to talk it all through with Ash.

So he taps Ash on the opposite shoulder that his head is resting on right now, and Ash hums, catching Goh’s hand into his own and intertwining them together, placing a gentle kiss next to the ring.

“I’m sorry”, is all Goh utters, quietly, unsure if apologizing for who-knows-what should be the first thing he says.

Ash must have felt the same, because he glances at Goh, raising his brow. “And for what are you even– okay, what was the dream about that gave you the impression that you need to apologize?”.

Goh sighs to himself as he finally lifts himself and rests his back over the pillow. Ash does the same, and Goh wonders how his arm isn’t even numb from feeling Goh’s weight over it for at least a few hours now. But it can wait for later.

“Not only in the dream, but I act this way every day now. You’ve been nothing but supportive. Since the trial, you held my hand, you comforted me, and I hoped the good news that…that I don’t have to deal with him anymore would make me feel…better, less anxious, happier…or that it maybe would help me to heal. And of course, I have Betty, and those pills were quite helpful with the anxiety, but I…I still don’t feel like I’m myself. I feel like I’m a different person. I spend most of the day with my nose glued to the diary until you close it in front of me. I don’t remember the last time I fed my own Pokemon. At this point, I’m starting to think that they all think I’m dead. I don’t have much energy for anything, and all I give you is distance. Of course we hug, and we spend nights together, and I appreciate whenever you hold me and comfort me, but sometimes I acted like you wouldn’t even exist, and you still held me in the night afterwards, and I just…you’re still here, even if I’m distant, and…”, a heavy sigh, followed by Goh holding his face into his hands. 

Ash carefully puts a hand over Goh’s shoulder. “Hey, it’s okay, breathe for me”, he pleads, and Goh meets Ash’s gaze, taking a deep breath like he instructed.

“Not gonna lie, it did confuse me at first. I wasn’t sure what I should do, so the next day, to understand what was happening, I went to visit someone who truly would help me to get through all of it alongside you. So, putting it simply, I visited Betty”, Ash explains, smiling, and Goh’s eyes widen.

“W-what?”, he asks, shocked, and Ash takes a deep breath.

“Don’t worry, I didn’t ask for any details about what you are talking about in the sessions”, Ash defends himself, even if he doesn’t have to. “I was a little lost, and I started to think that maybe I’m doing something wrong, but Betty reassured me that giving you space is something that you need now. She was talking a lot about patience, and told me that the distance is just temporary, so I tried not to take it personally and still took care of you like I always do, but trying not to get in your way. So if you um, preferred to be in your own company during the day, but craved my comfort during the night, then I was more than happy to give you just that. She said that what are you going through is normal, and I know that you blame a lot of your current behaviour on the anxiety pills, but maybe it’s just the way you try to overcome the hurt you still feel within yourself”, Ash says, offering a warm smile, and Goh closes his gaped lips.

He clears his throat to finally speak. “No matter how I was trying to dull the pain, I shouldn’t cut off the only person that helped me get that far”, Goh quietly admits, putting his hand over Ash’s cheek and tracing the cheek mark with his thumb. 

“I would lock myself in a different room if that would make you feel better”, Ash tilts his head, which makes him lean into Goh’s palm more, and Goh smiles at that.

“Funny you think I would want you in a different room when I was crushing you with my weight for at least the past three hours”, Goh snorts, and Ash laughs, too.

“You get the point”, he smiles, and Goh traces Ash’s cheek for the last time before he takes it away and places it on his own lap, curling it into a light fist.

“I do, but still, I’m sorry. I should communicate how I feel instead of keeping you in the dark and just distancing myself like that”, Goh says, remorse filling his voice, and Ash puts his hand over Goh’s to squeeze it.

“But I knew how you felt, it was all visible in your behaviour, in the way you were writing in your diary and in the way you craved my comfort in the night. Giving you the space you needed and being patient with you overall was all I could give you to keep your heart at ease. I would never want you to feel bad for needing a few days for yourself, and I don’t want you to feel bad over it now either. I was here for you regardless”, Ash gives the last squeeze to Goh’s hand before Goh buries his face into Ash’s chest, and Ash wraps his arms around his body at once. 

“Am I too much to deal with?”, Goh quietly asks, and Ash immediately kisses him atop of his head.

“Of course not. I’m not gonna marry just you, but also your doubts, trauma, and your struggles. I chose the whole package”, Ash says, and Goh quietly chuckles.

“Thank you”, he breathes out, resting his forehead against Ash’s, and Ash softly laughs. “I love you”, he adds afterwards as Ash nuzzles his nose, which makes Goh giggle.

“To make you feel better about yourself, tomorrow, I’ll choose a new shirt for you to wear because you haven’t changed this one in three days. You’ll eat a yummy breakfast, made by me, of course, and then we’ll feed your Pokemon. How does that sound?”, Ash proposes, and Goh nods his head.

“That’s impressive you didn’t say that we’re gonna kiss first”, Goh teases, and Ash chuckles.

“Well, because I thought that we could kiss now if you would be up for it?”, Ash suggests, and before he can ponder on anything, his head hits the pillow.

Goh never was quicker to connect their lips together.

🌸

A weak and quiet Ash mumbled into Ash’s neck is the only warning he gets before Goh throws up straight onto him, even if Goh tried to push him out of the bed. Ash quickly gets up as he puts his hand onto Goh’s back to support him and moves comforting circles over there to help Goh empty his stomach.

Goh coughs a little after he’s done, and Ash coos a gentle it’s okay, and well, it’s definitely not okay, in Goh’s opinion. He made such a mess in their bed. On Ash’s hair. On Ash’s shirt. Favorite shirt.

“Are you okay?”, Ash quietly asks, but Goh doesn’t reply anything, instead, he starts the chain of I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to, repeated on loop as he feels distressed about the whole situation. 

And embarrassed.

Ash just raises his brow. He asked a question, and he still didn’t get the answer. So, he moves his hand onto Goh’s cheek to meet his gaze, then he moves his hand onto his forehead, humming. “You don’t look sick”, Ash states, tilting his head. “Do you feel alright? Does something hurt?”, he tries again, and Goh nods his head.

“I do, I just feel tired, and I guess now I have a stomachache”, Goh says, looking over the mess he has just made, and he almost throws up on the spot again. “I’m sorry”, he apologizes again, and it’s hard for Ash to not roll his eyes at yet another apology.

Ash dismisses it. “Go and get changed, take a shower, and I’ll take care of it, I’ll clean it up and change the covers”, Ash says, brushing Goh’s hair from his forehead, and Goh decides that it will be for the better if he won’t argue with Ash over that. He weakly nods his head as he carefully leaves the bed to not make any more mess and goes to the bathroom.

He sighs at his reflection in the mirror – just like he thought, he looks so pathetic. He is pathetic. Nothing that he does lately is right or good enough, and he ruins everything. He doesn’t have energy for anything, he’s tired, and probably getting sick.

Great.

Goh sighs at his reflection again as he finally decides to take that shower. He also quickly brushed his teeth afterwards, and when he was ready to exit the bathroom, Ash was in the middle of changing the bed covers.

Goh glances at Ash as he sits on the chair, and he wonders how in the world Ash isn’t even disgusted over his dirty shirt or half of his hair being covered from whatever Goh has puked on him.

Goh bites his tongue in time before he can utter another useless apology that would tick Ash off. He rests his face over his forearm as he observes Ash changing the bed covers. When he’s done, he swiftly takes off his shirt and throws it on the pile of the dirty bed covers, which makes Goh’s eyes widen and his face blush in the deepest shade of red.

Goh quickly averts his gaze away. “I ruined your shirt”, he just offers quietly, tapping his fingers over the back of the chair, and Ash just shrugs.

“Do I look like I care?”, Ash asks, unbothered, and Goh braces himself to look over at Ash again as he rests his face over the back of the chair, admiring his well-defined naked chest.

“No, and that’s disgusting. Your hair is dirty and um, I just…I just feel bad over it all”, Goh needs to bite his lips when Ash all of a sudden comes closer to him. He’s inches apart from his lips when he pokes Goh’s nose, and it makes him giggle.

“Whole package, remember?”, Ash chuckles, and Goh rolls his eyes, but deep down, he’s grateful for having such a loving fiancé like Ash. “Now, I’m gonna take a shower, and you’re going to the bed to get some rest, got it?”.

Goh just groans but he does as instructed. He slips under the duvet and he immediately feels the warmth of it washing over him, making him sleepier in seconds. Minutes ago, there’s a kiss to his forehead and a gentle touch on it a moment later, so Goh peeks through his eyes to see Ash checking if he has a fever.

“I’ll do the laundry, and I’ll call Chrysa to buy you some pills”, Ash whispers, and Goh groans, reaching out to hold Ash’s wrist.

“I’ll be fine, don’t go, stay with me”, Goh mumbles, and Ash just chuckles.

He would love to, but there’s a bunch of Pokemon waiting to be fed soon, and he shouldn’t be shifting this responsibility on Chrysa or Ren too much.

“Do you feel like throwing up again?”, Ash makes sure, and Goh thankfully shakes his head, but Ash considers putting a bowl next to the bed anyway. “Okay, then get some rest, I’ll call Chrysa now”, he places another kiss on Goh's head, to which Goh replies some sleepy mumbles.

Ash just tucks the bed covers around Goh’s body tighter.

🌸

Goh shifts in his sleep as someone touches his forehead. There’s a muffled I don’t think he has a fever afterwards, and Goh finally fights with himself to slowly open his eyes to reveal the blurry figures of Chrysa and Ash sitting on the bed.

“Mornin’ sleepyhead, how are you feeling?”, Chrysa gently coos, but she’s met with silence as Goh still blinks slowly to get rid of the fog that’s on his mind.

“I don’t think he has fully woken up yet to register the question”, Ash chuckles as he brushes the sticking strands from Goh’s forehead. 

Goh just slowly blinks as he gives Ash a weak smile, but he shifts his attention to Chrysa when she puts a hand on his shoulder, saying a kind here, some mint tea for your stomachache as she hands him a mug.

Then she peppers Goh with questions. Do you still feel like throwing up? Do you feel alright? Are you tired? Do you want to eat something?. Goh only answers them with a nod or a shake of his head as he carefully sips the tea.

“Alright then, I don’t think that’s a cold, but if you start to feel unwell again, we’ll call a doctor. I’ll make you something light to eat, and you’re taking it easy for today”, she playfully pokes a finger into Goh’s chest to make a point, and Goh rolls his eyes, but he nods his head in agreement when Chrysa glares at him. “And I’ll contact Betty about those anxiety pills and ask her if maybe the stomachache could be caused by them”, she says, taking the medicine from the nightstand, and Goh nods his head in understanding.

“Then I’ll feed the Pokemon”, Ash offers, and Goh pouts as he was hoping he could cuddle with him to get some rest, and Ash, seeing Goh’s reaction, softly laughs. “I could join you for a nap later after I’m done, that sounds good?”, he whispers, putting a hand over Goh’s cheek, Goh nods at the offer, so he kisses his forehead for good measure.

Goh lays down again, closing his eyes while Chrysa comes back to the room to place a freshly made sandwich alongside a new hot mug of tea, and some pills for Goh to take on the nightstand. Ash kisses Goh’s forehead for the last time before they both leave the room. 

The closing door is the last sound Goh hears before he drifts off.

🌸

Goh wakes up four hours later, feeling slightly better. He blinks slowly as he notices that Ash at some point must have come back to the room to accommodate Goh's rest, because the blinds have been rolled down. The tea on the nightstand has been exchanged with a new one because the mug is hot, and Grookey and Zorua sleep curled next to him, so Ash must have let him in. Goh scratches Grookey’s head and he sleepily mumbles something in return, and Goh chuckles at that, finally reaching for the sandwich Chrysa prepared earlier. As he munches it, he checks on the egg, who still lays on the desk. It’s not glowing right now, and Goh lets out a sigh, hoping it’s gonna hatch before they are ready to go to Paldea. Giving it a last gentle pat, Goh finally makes his way downstairs, where he’s being met with Chrysa’s warm smile as she shows him that Ash is still in the park, and Pikachu jumping to Goh’s shoulder, nuzzling into his cheek.

“Hi, there, buddy”, Goh softly laughs as Pikachu keeps nuzzling into his cheeks. “Did you miss me?”, he asks as Pikachu lets out a soft cha. 

That must be a yes, so Goh laughs again. “Someone is being so affectionate today”, he notices, giving Pikachu some pets, to which he leans into Goh’s hand more. “Just like Ash”, he mutters to himself as he gives Pikachu’s chin one last scratch before he decides to find Ash in the park.

And it’s not as hard as Goh thought it would be. Ash is still indeed in the park feeding their Pokemon, and he’s accompanied by Gary, who is helping him. 

Seriously, Gary, I don’t think that was as embarrassing as he made it out to be reaches Goh’s ears before Ash turns around, welcoming Goh with a wide smile as he feels his aura near. Pikachu hops to Gary’s shoulder to demand some pets, and Bre nuzzles into Goh’s leg, and Goh kneels to her level to scratch her behind the ears.

“Are you feeling better?”, Ash asks, some worry still filling his voice, but the doubts quickly fade away as Goh offers him an honest smile.

“Yeah, I do”, Goh quickly pecks Ash’s lips once before he welcomes Gary with a smile as well. “I thought you wouldn’t come today”, he raises his brow, and Gary snorts.

“Change of a plan, sweetheart. We’re going out shopping”, Gary winks, and Goh tilts his head in confusion.

“Huh? For what?”, Goh is able to let out before Gary drags him by the hand to the park’s exit. Goh locks his eyes with Ash in hope for some explanation, but he just waves them goodbye with a wide smile on his face, resuming the task of feeding the Pokemon.

“For my wedding suit, remember?”, Gary finally offers some explanation, and Goh frowns.

“Hold on, wasn’t Ash supposed to help you choose it, and wasn’t I gonna go with Tokio tomorrow?”, Goh asks, slightly out of breath by Gary’s fast paced walking. Thankfully, Gary slows down a bit, remembering Goh wasn’t feeling well earlier.

“Change of the plan, I guess”, he winks, and Goh rolls his eyes.

“What’s the rush, though? It’s barely January, and the wedding is in May”, Goh points out, and Gary just laughs.

“I think we just feel eager to get it done, and you know, it’s a step closer”, Gary truthfully says, smiling to himself, and Goh offers him an understanding smile. “So prepare yourself, I tend to be picky with my clothes”, it’s the only warning Goh gets before Gary drags him out of the Laboratory.

Goh can only groan in return.

🌸

“I think that’s the one, it suits you the best”, Goh says, and Gary looks at his own reflection in the mirror again, adjusting the purple tie. 

From the other 20 suits Gary has tried on, this one is the most fitting. And Goh doesn’t just say it because he’s starting to get tired or he’d rather be somewhere else, in someone’s arms right now, but he just feels it. This suit feels the most fitting for Gary and the upcoming special day.

“I think you are right”, Gary nods his head in agreement, and Goh offers him a smile. “Alright, I’ll go change now”, he quickly says, disappearing into the fitting room afterwards. 

Goh nods his head as he decides to stretch his legs from constantly sitting for the past hours, looking at the rest of the suits that Gary hasn’t tried on. His eyes lend on one as the beauty of it takes his breath away. He delicately traces the fabric of it, looking at it longingly, when a hand is placed on his shoulder.

“You should try it on, I think it would suit you”, Gary encourages, but Goh shakes his head as his smile drops off his face, looking at the price of it.

Gary glances at the tag too, before he shifts his gaze back to Goh. “What’s the matter? If you don’t have enough money, I can lend you some, or you could call Ash, I’m sure he would be all over the world to buy it for you”, he offers, but he frowns when Goh’s hand drops from the fabric, giving it the last trace.

“One time, me and Ash were on a date. Ash was paying for the meal, and on the next day, it was all over the internet how I’m living on Ash’s Champion status. I’d rather save more money and come back later to buy it by myself than to…use Ash”, Goh forces a smile, and Gary frowns at Goh’s word choice, but he decides to put it aside for now as Goh looks over longingly at the suit again.

“Still, go on and try it on, your eyes sparkled when you saw it like you were seeing a rare Pokemon. Meanwhile, I’ll talk to Abigail about what she can do to offer a discount”, Gary says, and Goh wants to argue about it, but Gary puts a finger to his lips.

“Hush, don’t even argue with me about it, you’ll thank me later”, Gary winks as he pushes Goh towards the fitting room and hands him the suit. Goh still looks over at him, unsure and conflicted, but Gary just waves his hand. “Oh come on, don’t give me that look, I’m not gonna repeat myself, go and try it on, I know you’re gonna look hot in it”, Gary insists, smirking, and a pink blush covers Goh’s cheeks at Gary’s comment. 

But he has to admit that Gary was right. He needs to thank Gary for urging him to buy it when he tries it on again, but this time, being back in the Laboratory, and in front of Ash, because the way Ash looks at him right now, eyes glued to Goh and speechless, was absolutely worth it.

“So, how do I look?”, Goh asks. There’s some shyness in his voice that Ash wants to get rid of, preferably by kissing him hard, but he’s still lost for words at how pretty Goh looks right now, and Gary needs to nudge him to get him back to reality.

“In all honesty, if I wouldn’t have a wedding in May, and you wouldn’t be engaged to the World Champion, I would definitely hit on you”, Gary snorts, glancing at Ash’s reaction as Ash looks over at him, eyes wide, being aware of his words. 

Ash opens up his lips to say something, but Gary cuts him off by laughing. “Don’t take it personally, Ashy. I had to bring you back to reality, you were staring at him for too long without saying anything”.

“Pretty”, is all Ash is capable of saying right now, but for Goh, it’s enough as he thanks him with a smile. “It looks beautiful on you”.

“Can you believe he didn’t want to buy it? I had to push him to the fitting room, and I’m glad I did. I think it was worth it”, Gary complains, snorting, and Goh rolls his eyes.

“How much was it, though? It looks expensive”, Ash asks, tilting his head, and Goh tenses at the question, his eyes flickering from Ash’s gaze to his own reflection in the mirror again.  

Gary frowns when Goh lies, but he doesn’t question it. At least for now. “Oh, it wasn’t as expensive as you think. It was quite affordable. One of the cheapest suits in the store, actually”, Goh says, his hand tightening over the suit’s fabric, but he takes off his hand before he can damage it.

Goh spent all of his savings on that suit, even with the discount Abigail offered, but Ash doesn’t need to know about that, right?.

The way Goh avoids Ash’s gaze tells him everything he needs to know. He glances at the price tag that Goh tries to clumsily hide, and he frowns at it before he looks over at Gary, who just silently offers to talk about it when Goh won’t be around. Ash nods his head as he turns his attention back at his fiancé, taking a final look and admiring how the suit fits him perfectly before Goh is ready to take it off.

Something is not right, and Ash may have a feeling what it is.

🌸

Goh decides to take a nap, and Ash and Gary, not wanting to disturb his rest, go to spend some time in the park again. 

“I saw those comments, too, but I don’t think he ever realized that. I never brought any attention to it, because he always said how he doesn’t want others talking shit about our relationship affecting us. I guess it was weighing on him more than I saw, but he was always strict about spending his own money and letting others pay for him”, Ash says, and Gary frowns.

“What do you mean?”, he asks, and Ash lets out a heavy sigh.

“Since we became research fellows. Professor Cerise was paying for all of our research trips and Goh never let us spend more money than necessary. If we had some left, he always gave the rest back to the Professor, but the Professor insisted we keep it. I didn't need it, because my mom used to send me some money weekly, so I always urged Goh to take it instead. I noticed he always put it into his savings, even if it was just a single penny. He usually used that money to buy some more Pokeballs, or he was using it for our trips that weren't assigned by the Professor so I won’t be the one paying for the trip. I never really looked much into it until we, well… started to date”, Ash explains, and Gary raises his brow in confusion.

Ash goes on. “You know, we never considered being research fellows as a job when we were younger, I think it changed after I came back from Alola and Goh wanted to do research again, and Professor Cerise offered us the first paycheck after our first assignment. Goh was over the moon – his first official job, it all looked innocent until the iceberg of it grew bigger. You know, I’m a Champion, I earn quite a lot just from the title. The World Champion, Alola Champion, and whenever there’s a tournament around the corner, I earn twice as much. It’s not about me bragging, but I just…don’t need the extra money from the research, and it’s not about that it doesn’t compare to what I earn from being the Champion. It’s more about…we both live here, we sleep here, we eat here, do the laundry, the Pokemon food is expensive, it all costs a lot, and I just wanted to lift some pressure from Professor’s shoulders, so I wanted to refuse my paychecks so he can spend it on buying what we need to live here instead. Well, that was the plan until Goh had heard about it, and he argued with me that I shouldn’t spend my money on his Pokemon, so he talked to the Professor about cutting his paycheck over the whole costs of it all, which is around 30%. My Pokemon live here too, I live here too, I can’t get through to him in any way that it’s unfair what he decided all by himself. That makes me so frustrated because I can’t pay for him or his Pokemon, but…in his eyes he can. I feel like he contradicts himself, and that’s so unfair. Whenever we go on a date, whenever I want to pay for him, the look on his face says it all. The rumors that go all over the internet don’t help with it either. He’s so fixated on being so independent that sometimes it aches me so much to see”, Ash explains, letting out a shaky exhale, and Gary nods his head.

“Now it makes sense, why he said that he doesn’t want to use you or why he has hidden the price of the suit, he lied to you. He paid over $30,000 with the discount I was able to get for him”, Gary says and Ash pinches the bridge of his nose, feeling annoyed at Goh’s stubbornness. Gary snorts. “I wonder how he would react if he found out that he wears a $300,000 ring on his finger”.

Ash laughs as well. “Don’t even mention it, he would pass out for sure. At least the necklace he wears on his neck was cheaper”.

Gary smirks. “Was it $299,999?”.

Ash lets out a loud laugh, shaking his head as he looks at his own locket hanging on his neck, and Gary gently takes a hold of it, opening it and smiling at the photo inside. “I can tell that it wasn't expensive, but Goh put his whole heart into buying it for you, so it holds a price just in the gesture”.

Ash smiles to himself. “And I love it”, he says, fidgeting with the locket. “I love spoiling him, he deserves everything, but now you can guess why I’d rather go and catch him a Pokemon as a gift than buy him something”.

Gary nods his head in understanding. “Because he would feel guilty that you spent money on him”.

“Yeah, but now that we are engaged, I think we should talk it through and figure it out, because I don’t want Goh to pay all the bills by himself for the rest of his life because he thinks it’s right”, Ash says, feeling guilty, and Gary offers him a warm smile.

“You need to learn to split the bills”, Gary states, and Ash agrees, nodding his head.

“Yeah, I tried to propose that many times, but he always dismissed it”, Ash dryly laughs before he lets out a shaky exhale. “But in the next hours, we’re gonna have to have that conversation again anyway, and maybe it’ll go better this time around”.

Gary frowns. “What did you do?”.

“Well, it’s a payday today, and I refused to take my last paychecks from the Professor because I was in Alola and Goh was doing all the jobs with the research, so I asked the Professor to give it all to him instead”, Ash explains, terrified by the vision of how the next hours could look, so he fidgets with the locket on his neck to ease the anxiety.

“Yikes”, is all Gary can offer.

Exactly, yikes.

🌸

And Gary doesn’t want to be around during this conversation, so he escapes to the park when an angry and upset Goh walks into the room.

“You are insane”, Goh hisses, and Ash just leans over the counter, crossing his arms. “It’s your money”.

“No, baby, it’s your money, well earned, well deserved as I was away”, Ash quips back with a lot more patience in himself than he thought he would find right now.

Goh breathes through his nose, visibly annoyed, so Ash continues talking, not caring if it will escalate further into yet another argument. “You lied to me. You said the suit wasn’t expensive, meanwhile the price tag said otherwise. I’m more than happy you could afford to buy it, even if it cost you all your savings, so take the money the Professor offered, and I’ll pay for everything this month instead”.

Goh’s hand fists as he shakes his head. “No”, he says, even if it lacks the confidence, even if he feels small, and even if he’s aware that Ash has the wheel over the conversation.

Ash closes his eyes for a moment, only to open them to stare at Goh’s shaking figure. He’s close to crumbling, and whatever Ash will utter next won’t help with it. 

“Oh, look at me, I’m Goh and I will prove to everyone around me how I am capable of not depending on anyone. Is that about it?”. Silence. “It’s always about it, isn’t it?”, Ash asks, and he knows his words must have hit something in Goh, because he started crying.

But Ash doesn’t come closer to comfort him. He ignores the sobs, he ignores the tears, because he knows once he hugs Goh right now, the conversation will be over and they will stretch it in time and be stuck in it forever without any resolve.

“What happened to this love is ours? Do you think I care that people say that I’m paying for you in the restaurant whenever we go out? Arceus forbid that I love to do nice things for my fiancé and spoil him from time to time. Believe me, you’re not using me, you’re not using my money, you’re not using my fame, because I do that all willingly, just as much as I want to pay for the fact that I get to live here with you and share breakfast here with you everyday, and if I want to lift the pressure from you or from the Professor with the cost of it all, let me do that. I take the same amount of space here as you do, and I don’t care that your Pokemon take more space than mine, that’s my family too, you’re my family and I love taking care of them as much as I love taking care of you, so if I…”, a much calmer, deep breath. “...if we are outside and it’s cold and if I want to buy you takeout coffee so you can get warmer – let me do that, or if I want to go on a date with you, and I want to buy you some ice cream – let me do that, or if you run out of Pokeballs in the middle of your catching spree – let me buy you some, because…it’s not about to prove that you are depending on me financially, it’s about how I...love to do small things that can make you feel loved and taken care of. That’s my love language – to take care of you, and you deserve all the love, you deserve all the nice things in the world, but…you’ve become so damaged by all the hurt you feel within yourself, by all the heartbreak, by your past, by how people may see you and how their vision of you affects you, and how fixated you are on proving how independent you are that when someone wants to give you what you deserve – you have no idea how to respond as it breaks you. You’re thinking that you don’t deserve any of it, so you close yourself off”, Goh casts his gaze away, but Ash can tell that tears are streaming down his face, because he can see them reflecting in the light above them, yet he still doesn’t comfort him.

He takes a deep breath to continue. “It feels like I could give you anything in the world, but it wouldn’t be enough for you, because you see certain things in your own way. Me paying for you? You see it as a weakness and a sign of depending on me, when the truth is that I know you are capable of doing it on your own, but I still want to treat you right and treat you with all the love I can give you, because for me…you deserve it all, and I think the ring on your finger is a proof of that”, Ash says, bracing himself to leave the room, to take a breather. “And if by any chance, you would feel ready to talk it through, and maybe split the cost of everything evenly so neither of us will have to feel hurt by it anymore, I will be convincing Gary that we are alright and we didn’t argue”, Ash says, taking the last look at Goh, finally leaving the room to find Gary in the park.

And once Ash leaves the room, Goh falls to the floor as his knees give out under his shaking weight from all of these emotions as he lets out how he feels by crying harder.

🌸

Once Ash comes back to the Laboratory, Goh is nowhere to be seen, and even if Ash feels calmer than before, he still gives Goh the choice to be the first one to fix the bridge between them. To distract himself, Ash turns on the TV as he absentmindedly switches the channels, not paying attention to any of them at all. He eventually drifted off from the tiredness, but was slowly brought back to reality one hour later when a familiar body decided to occupy his lap and lay his head on it. With closed eyes, Ash immediately threaded his hand in Goh’s hair as Goh breathed out in partial relief.

“You’re right”, Goh whispers, and Ash opens his eyes to glance at his partner, who still didn’t brace to look at him, so Ash turns off the TV, and Goh sighs as he has no choice now but to turn to lay on his back and finally lock his eyes with Ash’s. “It is about me trying to prove that I’m independent, because I feel the constant need to prove to everyone around me that I am worthy of having you in my life. And when people say that I’m always depending on your money…you have no idea how that messes with me”, Goh lets out as he wipes the tears off his face, and Ash takes a hold of his hand and squeezes it tight.

“A-and I’m sorry that I never considered your feelings when it came to paying for all the stuff here, I love all the little things you do for me, they do make me happy, and deep down, I appreciate it all. The first thing that I came across online was…the price of the ring”, Goh says as a small smile curls on his lips, and Ash tries so hard to cover the blush that appeared on his face. Goh lets out a soft laugh before he continues talking. “It got me thinking oh, do I–do I really deserve it?, should I repay it somehow?, like the price is so insane that I just couldn’t process it. Then it got me thinking how…whenever I want to buy you something, it won’t be as valuable as this is, it will never compare in price, because…no matter how much money I’ll save, it will never be enough, because I don’t earn as much as you do. Compared to you, I feel like no one, and that’s my biggest fear, that whatever I do is not enough”, Goh says, trying to bite down the sobs that threaten to leave his mouth as Ash whispers a sweet it’s okay to Goh’s ear. Goh takes a deep breath before he continues. “We had so many talks about the engagement, and even if I wasn’t sure when it would be coming, you always promised that it will come, and I just wanted to be a part of the future, the aftermath of the proposal, so I…I was saving all that money to be able to buy our future wedding bands when we will be ready to take the step further, but today…today I just saw that beautiful suit, and I couldn’t take my eyes off it, and it still was beyond what I saved, and Gary asked for that discount…you have no idea how embarrassing that was, that I couldn’t afford it without the discount while having a permanent job”, Goh takes a deep breath, and Ash squeezes his hand.

“It’s okay, I’m listening”, Ash reassures, and Goh exhales a shaky breath.

“After our conversation, I started to regret buying it, and the thought of returning it crossed my mind, because well, I will probably only wear it once to Gary and Tokio’s wedding. Sadly, I can’t even wear it to our own future wedding because you already saw me in it, but your reaction was worth it, so yeah, I think I’ll keep it, because I loved the way I looked in it, and I love the way you can’t keep your eyes off me. That makes me feel loved”, Goh’s lips curl into a small smile, and Ash places a soft kiss on Goh's forehead.

“I’m sorry that you’ve been feeling a lot of pressure, and please don’t compare yourself to me. You’re Goh. My Goh. And for me, you are enough. I love you the way you are. And yeah, I know the ring’s price was insane, but it was worth every penny, you were worth it. You are worth everything, and I know you keep thinking that whatever you’ll buy for me won’t compare in price, but the truth is – hearing you saying yes was the most valuable thing I could ever hear, and I would never exchange it even for the most expensive thing in the world. And this locket I keep wearing everyday with our picture inside…”, Ash lets out, holding the locket in his hand again, and Goh glances at it as well, frowning.

“It started to shred…”, Goh notices, sighing. “It wasn’t the most expensive thing ever, so the quality isn’t the best”.

“And I love it, it came from you, you bought it not caring how much you would spend on it. You put so much thought into it, it keeps reminding me of you when I need it. And the fact that it is shredded already only adds more beauty to it. It shows how much it means to me because I wear it everyday”, Ash smiles, trying so hard not to tear up, and Goh cups his face to place a soft kiss on Ash’s lips. Ash deepens the kiss, which takes Goh off guard, but he doesn’t complain about it. He kisses Ash as eagerly as he puts his hands on Ash’s shoulders to keep himself steady.

“About those wedding bands…”, Ash says between the kisses, and Goh hums. “How about we buy them together when the right time comes, and for now, we could focus on managing the expenses and helping out the Professor with buying everything we need?”, Ash asks, but he doesn’t get any response as Goh is busy kissing his jaw.

Eventually, he gets a delayed reply when Ash calls out his name seconds later.

“Sounds nice”, Goh muses as he finds Ash’s lips again, kissing him deep, and Ash places his hands on Goh’s hips, squeezing them once.

“That’s a shame that I won’t see you in that suit until the wedding in May”, Ash regretfully mutters, his voice deeper than Goh could ever imagine. He snorts into the kiss, tracing Ash’s cheek mark with his hand.

“Who said that I couldn’t wear it now?”, Goh teases before Ash attacks his lips with hundreds of kisses.

🌸

“I think that one suits you”, Ash says as he blinks slowly at Tokio trying out another suit. He looks over in the mirror at Ash, who tries to cover the yawn escaping his lips, and Tokio sighs.

Ash had a long League conference meeting yesterday and he came back to the Laboratory late in the evening, almost falling asleep on his feet. He didn’t end up getting much sleep, and he wasn’t thrilled when Gary basically dragged Ash to accompany his fiancé to help him choose his wedding suit the next day. Why did Gary switch the plans, and why did he choose Goh, and why did Ash have to go with Tokio instead – this will be a mystery forever. Ash doesn’t try to complain, neither does Tokio, but deep down, they are both cursing Gary and his stupid idea, because well, Ash and Tokio aren’t particularly close to each other, and if they are left together alone, most of that time is filled with tense silence, looking forward for Goh or Gary to be back in the room and fill that silence with words again.

And they tried to become closer together, but they never found anything to bond over. Ash tried to talk about battles – it’s his getting to know someone better language at this point, but Tokio isn’t much into battles until the battle is necessary, so it led into awkward silence again.

The only thing they could successfully bond over is breaking Goh’s heart, giving him solid trauma and trust issues, but none of them really want to acknowledge that.

So neither Ash nor Tokio can understand the process of Gary’s thinking when he asked Ash to accompany Tokio instead to choose the perfect wedding suit. Maybe Goh and Gary are aware of the fact that they are not getting along as much as they would love to. Or maybe Gary decided that Goh has better taste in choosing a suit for him than Ash does – that he can believe actually, if Ash wouldn’t think it through. If he has a terrible taste, then choosing a terrible suit for Gary is quite equal to choosing a terrible suit for Tokio, isn’t it?

So Ash can’t wrap his head around what the hell is going on, and neither can Tokio, but he decided to not to question it anymore and choose the suit for the anticipated wedding that is coming in May, and Ash can see Tokio’s aura glowing just at the thought of it.

“You think so?”, Tokio asks, looking at his own reflection again, unsure. 

The suit is gorgeous, and Tokio feels really comfortable in it, but he wishes it could somehow reflect Gary as well. The suit looks simple, and knowing Gary, he chose something extraordinary.

Ash comes closer as he takes another look at the suit. Pikachu occupies his head, being in a deep slumber, and Tokio glances at Ash briefly, sensing that Ash would rather do the same right now than spend his free time in a store, helping in choosing a suit for someone whom he doesn’t care about much.

But Ash cares about Tokio in his own way, even if he would try to deny it. They may be not as close, but Tokio is his childhood friend’s love of his life that he will vow to spend the rest of his life with in May – so of course, he cares and he wishes for nothing more but to be closer to him than they are now.

Tokio wishes for the same. He saw straightforward how heartbroken Goh was when Ash disappeared from his life, but he also saw how much color Goh gained when Ash came into his life again. He’s shining, his eyes have regained the spark that once wasn’t there, and now his finger is adorned with a beautiful ring that reflects that happiness.

And maybe that was the main factor that was holding back Tokio from getting along with Ash. Before it all happened, Tokio only met Ash twice, basing his whole opinion about Ash on those brief meetings. Cheerful guy, good battler that makes a great team with Goh, and someone who Goh is head over heels for. 

Tokio felt their connection, he could feel their closeness, so what was a surprise for him when Goh told him that they weren’t together. Yet was unspoken, lingering in the air even after Goh and Ash parted ways, and Ash disappeared to who-knew-where, erasing three years of adventures together.

Goh never changed his mind about Ash, not once, even if his calls and messages were ignored, and Gary and Tokio’s job was to catch falling tears from Goh’s eyes each day. 

Tokio’s opinion on Ash has changed a lot, even if Goh still saw Ash in the same view, like deep down, Goh believed that Ash was going through something that affected him and his friendship with him. But for Tokio, Ash was a stranger. A stranger who broke Goh’s heart and never looked back, so why would he try to see him in a different light? Tokio thought that it was Goh’s delusion talking, until Goh braced himself to fly to Alola one day with Gary’s encouragement, and he came back with Ash, shyly holding hands, seemingly being something more, but not putting any label on their relationship yet.

It wasn’t hard to adjust to having happy and smiling Goh again – because that was all what they wished for months. It was more about adjusting to Ash leaving in the Laboratory again, and trying to be his friend. Tokio was struggling, he never was close to Ash before, and it would be hard to try to be close to him now after seeing how he broke Goh into tiny pieces when he wasn’t around. But it was forgiven, and Tokio and Gary, and even Chloe, were ready to put it aside. Tokio didn’t force himself to be close to Ash, he was comfortable with being acquainted and with brief, quick visits that they all planned together from time to time.

Then Gary and Tokio were ready to take their relationship further – they bought their own apartment. It was always obvious, no arguments – it needs to be in Vermillion. We’re gonna be close to Goh, Gary said. It was always about Goh, Gary never once mentioned Ash, or maybe his name was just unspoken but lingered around, and Tokio felt that Ash is included in it too, because Gary always cared about Ash, and deep down, Tokio wanted to care about him as well. He wants to be Ash’s friend. A friend like Gary is to him, a friend that when Gary saw his name written on his phone, he took the call without hesitating, despite ten months without a word being exchanged. A friend like Ash was to Goh that Goh has fallen into, and even if his heart was broken, he was still willing to hear Ash’s explanation, welcome him in his life again and fix the bridge between them.

Tokio wanted to understand what draws people towards Ash, and what makes him so likeable, but he knew it would be impossible without trying to understand Ash first, and that’s what he tried to do during their visits in the new apartment. Goh and Gary spent some time on the balcony, and Tokio and Ash were forced to their own company, so they were going through some of Tokio’s childhood photos, or the photos that got taken after he and Gary got together.

It was nice. It felt nice. It wasn’t enough. 

But he learned that maybe getting to know Ash better isn’t by talking about battles like Gary has always said, or through the stomach like Goh has joked, but by the look in his eyes and the fond gestures he’s showing instead.

And maybe Tokio starts to get it now as Ash carefully, with so much fondness, tries to fix the collar on his suit, uttering a quiet but confident lemme help, when he sees Tokio struggling with it.

“I love that small pocket”, Ash smiles, and Tokio glances at it too. “Gary loves roses, you could put a rose into it”, he proposes, and Tokio frowns as he looks over at Ash, confused.

“What? Didn’t you want the suit to reflect Gary more?”, Ash tilts his head, and Tokio’s frown gets deeper.

“Well, yeah, how did you know–”, Tokio raises his brow, confused, and Ash just laughs.

“I just saw it in your face, I could tell you thought that something was missing, so I think the rose will be perfect”, Ash says, and to make a point, he borrows the rose from the nearby vase as he puts it into the pocket.

Tokio smiles at that. It looks better this way, and he can feel Gary’s presence all over the suit now thanks to this small addition.

“You’re right, it’s perfect now, thank you”, Tokio utters gratefully, and Ash smiles in return as he pets slowly waking up Pikachu.

Tokio comes back to the fitting room to take off the suit when Ash’s muffled voice reaches his ear.

Hi baby, I’m sorry that I didn’t see your message. It’s going okay, we chose something perfect. Uh-huh, yeah, I was having a great time, actually. We’ll be coming back soon. Oh, you and Gary went out? Where? When will you be coming back? Pika! Ah, Pikachu, stop pulling at my hair, he hears you just fine. Oh, I see. Uh-huh, yeah, I’ll tell him. See you later, love you lots. 

When Tokio steps out from the fitting room, Ash welcomes him with a smile. “I think we have no choice but to spend more time together”.

Tokio smiles at him, too. He’s quite looking forward to that.

🌸

“Here you go, buddy”, Ash says, putting a bowl full of food in front of Pikachu. He digs into it immediately, and before he can tell Pikachu to eat slower, Bayleef jumps onto him. “Aw, come on, you know you’re heavy. Did you miss me?”, he chuckles, trying to get Bayleef to come off of him. Thankfully, Tokio releases his own Bayleef, and once Ash’s one notices her, they run to the park to play together.

“Thank you”, Ash breathes out in relief, and Tokio smiles at him, before he looks around the Laboratory.

“It’s quiet here”, he notices, and Ash nods his head.

“Ah yeah, Professor Cerise took a vacation leave until February, so we all have a few weeks off from research. Chrysa left to visit her mom today, and Ren sometimes drops by to see how we’re doing”, Ash explains, and Tokio nods his head in understanding. “We have some time to figure out our Paldea trip”, Ash smiles at the thought of it. Tokio smiles as well, before he shifts his attention to Grookey, who just runs into the dining room. 

Ash catches him into his arms in time before he can bump his head into the table. “Goh didn’t take you with him? That’s weird”, Ash tilts his head in confusion before he notices a small piece of paper under Grookey’s everstone necklace. Ash takes a look at it.

Went out with Gary. Grookey was napping, so I left him in peace, Espe went with me. Pokemon are fed. Please, check on the egg. There’s some food in the fridge, in case Tokio or you would be hungry when you come back (please share and don’t eat everything on your own). I’ll be back soon. Love you xx

Ash chuckles at the message as Goh probably left it, not being sure if he would end up calling him. His heart melts at the thoughtfulness anyway as he scratches Grookey’s head.

“I’ll check on the egg to see if it’s alright. Are you hungry?”, Ash asks. Tokio shakes his head, but he motions his hand that he will take something to drink, and Ash nods his head, going upstairs, Grookey running after him and jumping on his shoulder.

Tokio sips apple juice as he looks at the counter, spotting new photos that Goh has put out recently. The one from the engagement on the beach and another one from when Ash repeated the proposal on the battlefield. He carefully takes the next photo into his hands – it’s a photo of Ash with his new trophy, but he also hugs Goh with his one arm as Goh shows his adorned-with-the-ring hand to the camera, so Tokio’s not sure what was the bigger achievement of the night. As he puts it back to the counter, he notices a small album of photos that catches his attention. As he takes it into his hands, Pikachu jumps to his shoulder, squealing in happiness.

“Do you think I can open it?”, he asks, and Pikachu exclaims some Pika’s in return. Tokio laughs to himself, but thankfully, Ash comes back downstairs to give him the real answer.

“Oh, you found my photo album”, Ash says, excited as Pikachu jumps to his free shoulder. “My mom once brought it here for Christmas to show Goh some photos, but he got so attached to it that she didn’t have a heart to take it back with her”, Ash laughs as Tokio opens it in the first photo.

“Well, that’s already a good start”, Tokio laughs as he shows a photo of Ash being Thunderbolted by Pikachu, and Ash rolls his eyes.

“You haven’t seen the worst yet. This album contains some of the most embarrassing photos of Gary that you probably have never seen”, Ash snorts, and Tokio raises his brow in a challenge, and Ash just smirks, showing him the next photo.

“So this is Gary, and his cheerleader squad, don’t ask how I have taken this photo, but this feels like a rare exhibit”, Ash says as Tokio looks at it, his mouth gaped wide.

“Why would he need a cheerleader squad?”, Tokio asks, taking a closer look at the photo, and Ash snorts.

“To boost his ego? I’m sorry to tell you, but he was a pain in the ass when he was younger”, Ash rolls his eyes, and Tokio laughs.

“I actually can believe you, seeing how much he was riling up Goh back when we all met during the Articuno raid battle”, he chuckles as he can’t contain his laughter looking at the photo. “You need to do me a favor and lend me it”.

Ash raises his brow, confused, and Tokio bursts out laughing, explaining. “Well, let me tell you that I have a brilliant idea for a wedding cake”, Tokio says, wiping the tears from his eye, and Ash snorts.

“Oh Arceus, this is gonna be hilarious”, Ash laughs, shaking his head to himself. “You’re so cruel”, he says, and Tokio smirks to himself with pride as he sneaks the photo into his pocket. 

Ash just whispers I don’t know anything as he turns the page in the album. “Oh, this is my Kanto team, and the Johto one. We went through so much together. I always wanted a Squirtle as my starter Pokemon, but Gary beat me to it, and after all these years, I think I’m grateful for that, because this way I could become friends with the strongest Pikachu in the world”, Ash says, scratching Pikachu under his chin, and Pikachu squeals at hearing the praise.

“This is me when I won the Orange League. I don’t think it’s anything special, but it was the first League I won and it still holds a special place in my heart”, Ash utters, nostalgia filling his voice, and Tokio smiles at him, turning his attention to the next page. “Oh, you know my friends, right? This is Misty and Brock. This is Tracey. We traveled a lot in Kanto and Johto together. Tracey was a big help when Misty and I were travelling through Orange Islands. This is May and her brother Max, and of course, my Hoenn team. I’m so proud of them to this day”.

Tokio turns another page. “And this is…?”.

“Oh, this was when I won the Battle Frontier. Quickly after that, I went back to Pallet Town, and the first person I met was, of course, Gary. He always pushed me to get stronger”, Ash laughs at the memory, but with a lot of sentiment behind it. “That was the day I settled on going to Sinnoh”, Ash says, turning to the next page, and Tokio smiles when he spots Goh in one of the photos.

“This was when me and Goh travelled to Sinnoh to research Darkrai. I reunited with Dawn, and somehow, we ended up bumping into Chloe there, too”, Ash laughs, and Tokio lets out a soft chuckle as well. “This is me and my team in Unova, and my friends – Iris and Cilan. Iris is the Unova Champion now, I’m so incredibly proud of her”, Ash says, turning the page. And this is my Kalos team, I reached second place in the League there”, Ash turns to another page as he shows Tokio some of the photos with his Kalos friends as well.

“And this is Alola, right?”, Tokio asks, and Ash nods his head, smiling to himself.

“Yeah, this is home. This was the day my mom and I went there for vacation. This is when I won the League there and I became the Champion. This is in Mallow’s restaurant when we all said goodbye to Lillie and Gladion. And this is my Alola team”, Ash explains, and Tokio nods his head before he points to another picture.

“Oh, this is Professor Burnet’s and Kukui’s wedding. And this is when Goh and I came to Alola and we met Lei for the first time”, Ash smiles, and Tokio softly laughs.

“Poor Goh, he looks so embarrassed to be in the picture”, he notices, and Ash looks softly at the photo as well, feeling nostalgic.

“And this one?”, Tokio asks and Ash looks at it sadly.

“Oh, this one…was when I escaped to Alola after Goh and I parted ways, and I looked at the night sky. This was the first star Goh has ever shown to me, and since then, I got so attached to it so whenever I stargazed, I was always looking for that one particular star, because it reminded me of Goh, so I took a picture of it in case I couldn’t spot it on the sky”, Ash smiles bittersweetly, and Tokio decides to turn the page to get rid off the sadness that started to linger around them.

“Oh, I remember that one”, Tokio smiles, and Ash looks at the photo, fondly.

“Yeah, our first kiss”, Ash breathes out, tracing the photo delicately with his thumb.

“And these are some of your adventures together”, Tokio notices, and Ash nods his head.

“Yeah, Goh took this photo when we came back from our first research job. It was the Ivysaur one, oh, and this one is in Galar when we saw the Gigantamax Snorlax. Goh caught Scorbunny that day. This is us seeing our Leon battle for the first time. This is me and my World Coronation Series team. This is Goh and Grookey after he has caught him, and this is Goh and his Galar starters together, oh, and me and Goh during his 15th birthday party”, Ash says, turning the pages and smiling at each one of them. “This is me and the most important trophy, this is me and Jessie, James and Meowth after they opened their restaurant just before I planned to go to Alola, and this photo is…this is from our goodbye party”, there’s still some sadness that lingers in Ash’s voice over this particular photo, and Tokio can’t help but feel the bittersweetness of it too.

“Oh, but look at that, this is Gary proposing to you during our first Christmas party together”, Ash points at the photo, and Tokio’s smile just grows bigger.

It still feels insane that Tokio was just sixteen when Gary proposed to him, but somehow they felt like it was already the right time to take such an important step in their relationship. Even if Tokio turned seventeen the next month, it still felt like a huge responsibility at such a young age, but with Gary’s support, they knew they would get through everything. At least they would try.

Maybe that was what his parents were afraid of – that they got engaged at such a young age. Tokio’s parents were quite skeptical towards their relationship, their judgement was visible not only in their actions, but also their words, and Tokio was afraid that it would strain their relationship further. Researchers don’t settle down, they are always on the road, you won’t find happiness that way, and Tokio is glad they could prove these words wrong as a ring adorns his finger.

“Oh, and it’s you finally proposing to Goh”, Tokio teases, and Ash laughs.

“It’s been a long time coming”, he chuckles, scratching Pikachu over his back as he just laid over his knee. 

“Yeah, and somehow you decided to do it twice. How romantic”, Tokio lets out a soft laugh, pointing at the proposal photo Clara has taken on the battlefield, and Ash’s eyes soften at that. 

Tokio goes through the rest of the photos as he notices how many photos of Goh Ash have taken since they started to date.

“Just like Gary said, you really do love to take a lot of photos of Goh”, Tokio teases, and Ash just chuckles.

“I think I’m doing that because I know I missed a lot when I was in Alola, and now I don’t want to miss anything, so I’ll take as many photos as I can to remember even the smallest moments”, Ash bittersweetly utters, exhaling a shaky breath, and Tokio offers him a warm smile. “Oh, but look at that, here are some photos of Gary”, Ash shifts the attention to that, and Tokio snorts seeing some silly photos of Ash and Gary together.

“I love that one”, Tokio utters, smiling to himself, and Ash hums sadly.

“Yeah, we um, took it without fully knowing the meaning of it at that time. This is the first photo we took after Gary’s parents died in the car accident”, Ash sadly muses, tracing the photo softly with his finger, and Tokio’s eyes sadden as his hand fists on his lap. “I don’t think Gary was aware of what was happening, I think he was mostly confused when my mom and Professor Oak kept saying how they won’t be around anymore, and Gary was asking a lot of questions, like why they didn’t say goodbye to him. I think he felt a little betrayed, but we understood what really happened when we grew up and it sunk in. I’ve seen Gary crying about it a few times, but when I tried to approach him about it, he shut me off, and he put on a facade pretending that he’s alright. I think that him acting arrogant was just his coping mechanism that was distracting him from how vulnerable he felt. I know that’s quite a sensitive subject for him even after all these years, and I think deep down, he’s still hurt, and I can only imagine that the wedding day – even if it will be the most anticipated and happiest day for him, it will hurt him a lot, too. Especially knowing how much he would love for his parents to just be there and see him marrying the love of his life, and just be around in general to see him grow up and share all his struggles together – ups and downs, falling in love, all those awkward conversations about it, meeting you…”, Ash muses, and Tokio saddens at that, taking the photo into his hands.

“I don’t think he ever goes to visit them and their graves”, Tokio sadly utters, and Ash frowns.

“I’m sure Professor Oak does that with my mom”, Ash chuckles, although it’s bitter and dry.

Tokio sighs. “Yeah, but…”.

“Closure?”, Ash asks, and Tokio nods his head, biting his lips.

“Yeah, closure”, he whispers, and Ash weakly smiles.

“Well, if he thinks that's what's best for him…”, Ash sadly shrugs, and Tokio raises his brow.

“Then he lies to himself”, he shakes his head to himself, and Ash exhales a shaky breath.

“If anyone can convince him to go there, I’m sure it’s you, but Gary’s stubbornness is unmatched, so don’t be surprised if he shuts you off”, Ash chuckles as he tries to cover his yawn, and Tokio looks over at him, concerned. 

“You’re still tired”, Tokio notices, and Ash wants to brush it off, but he shakes his head. “It’s okay, you can go and take some rest, I can wait for Gary and Goh here on my own”, Tokio assures, and Ash thanks him with a smile, scooping napping Pikachu into his arms as he makes sure that Grookey, who’s occupying his head, won’t fall over.

So Ash heads upstairs. He puts sleeping Pikachu and Grookey on the bed, as he lets the tiredness overcome his body and lets himself rest as well, not caring that the blinds are not rolled down. And in the meantime, Tokio is going through the rest of the album, smiling and laughing at the photos he sees, until Gary and Goh are back in the next hour.

Hi, sweetie”, Gary greets him with a smile and quick kiss on the lips. Tokio practically melts into it as he wishes to deepen it, but he decides it can wait for later until they are alone in their own apartment. “Where’s your company?”, Gary teases, and Goh rolls his eyes as he elbows him, but he does echo the question, slightly worried.

“We were going through the album together, but I could tell he’s really tired, so he went to take a nap. He took Grookey and Pikachu with him”, Tokio explains, closing the album and putting it aside as Gary snuggles into him, begging to share some warmth with him.

“Then, I’ll see how he’s doing”, Goh smiles to himself, already dreaming about squeezing under the blanket and cuddling with Ash, but he frowns when Gary’s snort reaches his ears.

“Yeah, we know you won’t be coming back here in the next two hours”, Gary teases, and Goh leans over the counter, crossing his arms.

“Are you staying for dinner?”, Goh raises his brow, and Gary briefly looks up at Tokio to see if they have different plans, but Tokio smiles, agreeing to the idea, and Gary shifts his attention back to the annoyed Goh.

“I guess, we can stay”, he casually offers, winking, and Goh rolls his eyes.

“Then, I will bless you with my presence in two hours”, Goh counters back as he adds don’t kiss on the couch, it’s not yours under his breath, and he smirks to himself when Gary hears it and blushes furiously at his teasing.

Goh: 2

Gary: 1.

Goh leaves the room, Espe follows him closely, and Gary closes his eyes as Tokio moves his hand through his hair at a slow pace. It feels so nice that Gary could fall asleep under Tokio’s tender touch. Maybe they could take a nap too after all? But Bre jumps on the couch, joining them in their rest, and Gary opens his eyes, his gaze landing on Ash’s photo album, and he smiles to himself.

“Did any of the photos catch your attention?”, Gary asks, and Tokio smiles weakly, nodding his head.

He doesn’t want to ruin the mood, he really doesn’t, but he knows it’s the only way of pushing Gary to talk about it, to acknowledge his parents, and maybe trying to get some closure and eventually heal. 

Tokio doesn’t say anything, he just hands Gary the photo, and his smile fades quickly when he sees what photo it is. He traces the photo with this thumb slowly – the photo of him and Ash that was taken a few weeks after his parents died. Some tears prick in the corners of his eyes before he quickly turns around the photo so as not to look at it anymore as he tries to blink away the tears.

“Gary, please, talk to me”, Tokio pleads, he’s not sure what for. When it comes to Gary’s parents, Tokio only knows a little, he only heard about them once or twice, maybe three times at most, and he wishes he could know more, he wishes he could help Gary somehow, if only he wouldn’t shut him off in that matter.

Gary shakes his head, his hand clutching the photo too hard in his grip that even Bre lifted her head to eye her trainer worriedly.

Tokio puts his hand over Gary’s to squeeze it in comfort, but his hand doesn’t even yield under Tokio’s hold, although he can feel it shake slightly.

“Don’t you wanna visit their graves and pay some respect?  Put some flowers there and light up some candles? I could go there with you, maybe it would be easier this way for you, but I do think that it’s the only way you can get some closure”, it’s a risky thing to say, and Tokio does regret saying it as he flinches when Gary pushes his hand away harshly to put some distance between them.

“Who said I need some closure?”, Gary raises his brow, his eyes shining with anger, and whatever Tokio planned to say afterwards dies down his throat, almost choking on it, but whether Gary likes it or not, he needs to say it. 

“You’re lying to yourself, and I think any closure is better than none. Maybe going there won’t be enough, but maybe it’ll ease the ache you feel within yourself a little bit. You think I don’t see you crying sometimes over how much you miss them, and then coming to me pretending how fine you are? You could visit them, and maybe talk to them, and I believe you would feel their presence…maybe it could help you heal”, Tokio lets out, and Gary closes his eyes, biting his lips so he won't crumble in front of his partner.

He can’t. He can’t do it. 

Could he, actually?

No, no, no, no.

This is insanity. 

It’s something Gary wasn’t prepared to hear. Something he didn’t want to hear, but something he needed to hear, but he doesn’t dare to acknowledge it.

He takes a deep, but shaky breath. “Then, let me lie to myself”, is all Gary offers before he decides to escape to the park to take a breather.

Bre’s eyes flicker from her trainer to Tokio and she settles on following Gary, giving the last worried look to Tokio before she disappears into the park as well.

Tokio’s breath hitches down his throat as he tries so hard not to start crying. It’s pointless now, as was the whole conversation. Tears already streamed down his face onto his hand where Gary’s warmth was minutes ago.

Ash was right, wasn’t he?

🌸

Even in the deep slumber, Ash registered a new but familiar presence in the room, followed by a sweet kiss placed on his cheek and hand brushing his hair. He shifted in his sleep, but on instinct, wrapped his arms around Goh’s body when he joined him in the bed and cuddled straight into his chest.

But that was almost 30 minutes ago. Now Ash is wide awake, and Goh tries to pretend that whatever exchange they heard from downstairs didn’t happen.

But it did happen, and Goh finally opens his eyes, trying to figure out how to help their friends. It’s gonna be tough, but that's at least what they can do. Ash would rather avoid prodding into it further, but he has no choice but to follow Goh downstairs as he whispers I’ll check on Tokio, you check on Gary.

And Ash wants to protest, but Goh elbows him in the ribs, and Ash scowls in pretended pain as Goh shifts his attention to Tokio, who just noticed them entering the room.

The room is still filled with tension, and Goh offers him a weak smile. Ash opens his mouth to say something, but Goh hisses don’t even say that. But Tokio lets out a dry chuckle, forcing a smile.

“It’s okay, he should say it, he was right”, Tokio sniffs, and Ash feels the urge to utter the told you so that was on the tip on his tongue, but he decides otherwise as he motions his hand in the park’s direction as he says I’ll check on Gary instead.

Goh smiles at him with gratitude as he wraps his arm around Tokio in a half-hug to offer some comfort. That’s the last thing Ash registers before leaving the Laboratory to search for Gary.

But Gary’s closer than Ash thought he would be. His body is tense, and his hand grips the railing so tightly that even Ash feels bad for the damn railing and for the tight grip around it. He puts a hand on Gary’s shoulder, firstly to announce his company, but also to ease some of the tension that Gary feels.

Gary welcomes him with a weak smile as he lets go off the railing, leaning over it instead. Ash does the same, but with his back to the park. 

“When you were in Alola, in Goh’s eyes – Tokio and I were a perfect couple, which you can see we aren’t. At least not to the extent he thought we are”, Gary breaks the silence, and Ash just tilts his head.

“I could tell, he was projecting a lot of your relationship on ours”, Ash chuckles, and Gary fidgets with his fingers, exhaling a shaky breath.

“Including the engagement”, Gary quietly muses, and Ash averts his eyes for a moment, only to look back at Gary as he speaks again. “We were just dating for a year, and Tokio was still sixteen. We weren’t even adults, just teenagers hopelessly in love, and if I could turn back time…I don’t think I would do it that early”.

Ash frowns. “Huh? Why?”.

“Don’t get me wrong, we do love each other, and I’m crazy about him, I–I love him, and I knew this moment would eventually come, but looking at it now, I didn’t do it because I felt ready”, Gary confides, and Ash’s eyes widen as he elaborates further. “You have no idea how lucky you are, Goh’s parents literally treat you like you would be their own son, and I, all I got was…it was our first meeting, and I overheard how they talked to Tokio that I’m, quote a researcher, researchers don’t tend to settle down, he’ll break your heart, you’ll see. It took me weeks to admit to Tokio that I heard what they said. It hurt a lot, I felt…I felt that I wasn’t welcome there”, Gary says as his voice trembles, and Ash crosses his arms as he focuses his whole attention on Gary. “Their judgement got into my head, I tried to pretend that everything’s alright, it was fucking me up. The worst thing was that when we visited Gramps, he always welcomed Tokio with so much love, and I just…I just wanted it in return, especially when I lost my parents at such a young age”.

“So you…”, he starts, and Gary nods his head as he knows what Ash is trying to say.

“Yeah, I proposed to…prove that I can settle down, and to…just to prove that I’m not the person they think I am”, Gary whispers, wiping the tear that has fallen from his eye, and Ash averts his gaze like seeing Gary being so vulnerable would be a sin. “I hoped that it would help, but I think it made things worse. I don’t recall Tokio explicitly telling his parents that we’re engaged. He didn’t want to add the fuel to the fire, but they noticed the ring, and went crazy about it. They argued with Tokio a lot, saying how rushed it was, and maybe for the first time I can admit that they were right. The rush, so much pressure, trying to prove that I’m worth Tokio’s love. I…at some point, I thought I would go crazy and that…Tokio would change his mind because he would realize that his parents were right”, Gary says, taking a deep breath to get rid of the tremble in his voice.

“I don’t think you should prove anything to them. Tokio loves you, and seriously, with the attitude you had, I thought that no one would ever be with you, so when you told me you found someone, I was positively shocked. It felt like a miracle”, Ash truthfully says, and it earns a chuckle from Gary.

“Thanks for the honesty, Ashy”, he snorts, and Ash just offers him a smile. “Well, me and his parents get along better now than in the beginning. We bought our apartment, the wedding is on the way, so I can feel his parents changed their perspective a little, but sometimes I just…miss my parents, because I know I would feel their support. Their presence would help a lot”, Gary lets out, and Ash nods his head in understanding. “With how much I dealt with after their passing, I think I blocked out every possible memory I had of them in my head, it’s like they…wouldn’t exist to me anymore, but they do, and it hurts”.

“I think Tokio was right. I know it will be tough, but visiting their graves and just being there for a moment could help you get the peace you want and feel their presence you need. And you don’t have to do it alone. I know grieving alone feels the safest, but it’s been years, Gary. Years of delusion, years of pretending that you don’t need any closure. Years of running away. Years of not coming there to put a damn candle on their graves to pay some respect. I don’t think Tokio deserves the way you shut him off in that matter, he’s trying to help you. He’s your partner, and…shit, Gary, that would be his family too. Just talk to him about them. I know you said you blocked every memory of them, but I’ve known you long enough that I know that that’s a straight up lie. He wants what is the best for you, he wants to help you, and he’ll support you throughout all of it. He can go there with you, let him at least meet them in that way”.

Gary eventually locks his gaze with Ash’s, and he’s not sure how seeing pure sincerity in his eyes makes him feel. So he closes his eyes for a moment to process what Ash has said and to gather his thoughts properly.

“Do you remember something about them?”, Gary asks, his voice shaking again, and Ash blinks as the question catches him off guard, but he frowns in a deep thought.

“Not exactly, but I…I remember how sad you felt when Professor Oak said that they won’t be around anymore. You were confused and heartbroken. I’ve never seen you in that state before. You pushed me away a lot, and my mom said to give you space”, Ash recalls, his eyes squinting with sadness at the memory. “And I remember that when you finally let me in, and talked to me about it a little – you said that you wished that they at least could tell you goodbye before leaving, but now it kind of sounds funny, don’t you think so? Now you’re the one who still can’t do that, you’re the one who can’t go and face the grave and utter anything to them. You’re pretending it’s fine, but all you tell yourself are lies. Lies that hurt you more, and it’s exactly what Tokio said to you”, Ash utters quietly as he looks over at the playing Pokemon briefly before he shifts his attention back to Gary. His eyes widen as he sees how hard his words have hit his friend.

Gary hides his face in his hands as he bursts into tears, and Ash takes a step back, unsure of what to do. He darts his gaze away for a second, considering as he decides to lighten the mood.

“I would hug you, but what would it mean about us”, Ash jokes, and Gary lets out a choked snort.

“Ew, gross”, he wipes the tears from his face, still laughing. “Don’t you even dare. Nope, we don’t hug”.

Ash laughs as well, but he does put his hand over Gary’s shoulder, which Gary seems to appreciate. “But Goh’s a great hugger, so, you know, you can ask him instead”, Ash quietly proposes, and Gary nods his head, a weak smile curling on his lips.

Maybe he’ll consider the proposition later. Maybe. 

Gary puts his face over the railing, looking over the park and letting the breeze take the tension away. “Thank you”, he lets out, and Ash smiles at him in return. “For the talk”.

Ash just nods his head as he shifts his attention to the view below them as well. His gaze lands on Goh’s Alolan Ninetales, who plays with Cubone, and Ash frowns as a thought crosses his mind. “You know, you could go to Alola”, Ash proposes after a moment of silence, and Gary chuckles.

“That was the plan for the honeymoon”, he says, some sniffing occasionally leaving him as he rests his face over his hands on the railing. 

Ash shakes his head. “I know, but for a different reason”, he goes on, and Gary frowns at the sudden cryptic tone of Ash’s voice.

“Please, elaborate”, he tilts his head, and smiles as he notices that Bre has woken up from her nap when she nuzzles into his knee.

Ash just offers him a smile. “To meet Tapu Fini”.

🌸

The dinner couldn’t be more awkward. Gary didn’t even join them, saying that he needs more space, so Ash just let him be. But now, Goh is worried, because it’s quite cold today, and sitting in the park for that long, just in a thin long-sleeve shirt, wouldn’t be good for anyone, so Goh hopes that Gary won’t get sick. 

Goh also worries over Tokio. He hasn't uttered a word since the dinner started, playing with the food on his plate instead of eating it, so Goh eyes him with concern in his blue eyes.

“Does the food taste alright?”, Goh aims the question at Ash, who is actually the one eating the dinner eagerly.

“Yeah, delicious”, Ash says with his mouth full, and Goh rolls his eyes, but he doesn’t scold him. “Did you make it earlier?”, he asks, and Goh shakes his head.

“No, it’s takeout”, he truthfully says as he moves his own plate towards Ash, losing his appetite anyway, seeing how caught up in his head Tokio is, still feeling bad over the earlier argument with Gary.

Ash raises his eyebrow at Goh, but he lets out a quiet oh, it tastes so good like you would be the one making it, hoping it distracts Goh from whatever he feels right now over his friend’s behavior. Goh does register the sentence, a small smile curling on his lips as Ash slides his hand underneath the table to squeeze Goh’s knee in comfort, like he would try to say it’s gonna be okay.

Goh believes so, but his gaze shifts back to Tokio, who still plays with the food on his plate, quiet and sad, and Goh lets out a tired groan as he drags his hand through his hair, feeling irritated. He doesn’t know who he feels more irritated with – sulking Tokio, Gary and his stubbornness, or Ash, who is minding his own business. 

“I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, you’re both so annoying–”, Goh mumbles, before he quickly stands up and drags Tokio to the damn park.

Before Tokio can ponder on what’s going on or form any kind of protest, he’s standing in front of equally confused Gary, a late evening breeze hitting his body.

“You’re gonna talk, and you’re gonna figure it out. For fuck I care if it’ll take you five hours or more”, Goh yells, then turns on his heel to come back to the Laboratory before he can hear any protests.

Ash is in the middle of eating Goh’s plate when Goh drops back to the chair, hiding his face into his hands, letting out a tired sigh. 

“I’m just so done with them”, Goh mumbles, and Ash just smirks.

“They’ll be fine”, Ash reassures, squeezing Goh’s shoulder

A comfortable silence fills the room, and Goh closes his eyes for a moment, resting his hand over Ash’s shoulder, and a beat of muffled voices coming from outside passes before Ash glances towards the glass door, his eyes widening as Tokio takes off his ring and pushes it into Gary’s hand. He pretends as if he didn’t see it as he reaches out for Tokio’s plate – the food can’t go to waste, can’t it? – but Tokio comes back to the room, shutting the door behind him too harshly.

Goh flinches, opening his eyes at once as he feels the tension that just filled the room. Tokio’s eyes are downcast, and Ash stops in his tracks, putting his hand back on the table. As Goh wants to ask what happened, Tokio reaches his hand to wipe the tears streaming down his face. Goh’s eyes flicker from Tokio’s upset face to his hand. Empty hand. Oh. Oh no. Tokio tries to bite down the sob that threatens to leave his lips. Ash clears his throat as he tries to break the tense silence lingering in the air. Goh does so instead.

“You were supposed to talk, not…break up”, Goh’s voice breaks like he would be the one going through it right now. Ash’s hand finds Goh’s thigh under the table, so he squeezes it to offer some comfort. 

“We didn’t break up”, Tokio says, his voice trembling, a waterfall tears streaming down his face. “I just…I just need some space, I’m going back to the apartment”, he exhales a shaky breath, and Goh eyes him in concern.

He opens his mouth to say something, but Ash beats him to it as he stands up with a rush when Tokio reaches for his jacket. “Oh um, I don’t think you should go on your own, I mean, in this state. You can barely see through the tears. I’ll go with you”, he proposes, and Tokio thanks him with a weak smile, sniffing as the next tear draws the path on his cheek. 

Ash locks his gaze with Goh’s, nodding his head towards the park’s direction, and Goh takes the cue. He needs to talk with Gary. So he nods his head in understanding, before Ash looks in his eyes for the last time as he leaves the room, and then the Laboratory, with still crying Tokio by his side.

Goh exhales a shaky breath as he finds Gary by the railing, in the same place where he had his earlier conversation with Ash, not moved an inch. To Goh’s surprise, Gary doesn’t cry, he just looks at the ring in his hand, bitter and sorrowful, tightening his grip around it when he notices Goh approaching him.

He leans over the railing, and Gary takes a deep breath. “Do you remember our talk about Tokio’s parents?”.

Goh nods his head. “So that’s what it was all about?”, he asks, and Gary hums.

“Kind of”, he bites the inside of his cheek, and Goh frowns, tilting his head. Another deep breath. “I just wanted to be seen, I just wanted to be loved, approved of even, and I hoped it would help”, Gary lets out as his voice breaks. His eyes fill with tears, but he still doesn’t cry. 

Goh’s lips gape as he looks over the ring, slowly connecting the dots together, but before he can ask any more questions, Gary’s hand fists around the ring and he throws it away, hoping it will land far, far away from him.

“What– why would you do that?”, Goh exclaims, and Gary lets out a frustrated scream, hiding his face into his hands.

“It just breaks me more right now. I don’t deserve to even hold it”, he whispers, taking deep, but quick breaths to calm himself down.

Goh sighs, visibly tired and maybe frustrated himself. “Go and take some rest, I don’t think you have any choice but to stay here overnight, and I’ll… go and find the ring in the depths of the park”, another sigh, and Gary eventually looks over at him, frowning. “I’m sorry, but I don’t want any of my Pokemon to eat it by mistake. Go inside, rest and calm down. You’re shaking”, Goh instructs, without any room for arguing, so Gary does so, realizing just now that he is in fact shaking. From the cold or from all of the heavy emotions he’s been feeling – he’s not sure which one.

Gary lays down on the bed of one of the rooms he could find first, hiding his face into the pillow and trying so hard not to scream into it. 

He hurt Tokio so much, and the guilt of it starts to eat him from inside. From the conversation about his parents to admitting that their proposal was rushed and he wasn’t quite ready for that step yet…and Gary doesn’t blame Tokio for his reaction at all. He deserved it. He deserved the upset, he deserved the anger. And the worst thing was that in the midst of the upset Tokio was feeling, he understood why Gary had done what he did, but the truth was so much to handle that Tokio couldn’t help but feel upset and take off the ring, erase the promise and give it back to Gary. It felt too heavy on his finger, on his heart that, in the moment, was broken into pieces. Tokio’s voice was still filled with hope as he said that it’s just a break and that he needs some space. Gary’s heart sank, enveloped with heavy binds around it. He refused to break. He didn’t break, he didn’t cry, but he respected Tokio’s decision, and that broke him more.

Gary turns around to lay on his back as he absentmindedly stares into the ceiling, one single tear finally falling down from his eye as the heavy emotions crush over him. He puts his hand over his quickly raising chest as he takes a deep breath. Everything hurts – the argument with Tokio, the talk about his parents, the memory of them that are surrounded by a mist of delusion in his head. The mist is thick, but Gary still can remember every single one of the memories, even if he pretends he doesn’t.

Another deep breath. Another tear fell from his eye. It’s getting too much. It’s getting too much to pretend. It’s getting too much to run away anymore. It’s getting too much to live like that. It’s getting too much to try to erase any memory of his parents he has in his head, in his heart. It’s getting too much to prove he’s worthy of love. It’s getting too much to meet expectations, to be approved and loved.

It’s too much. After all these years, it’s too much. So Gary hides his face into his hands as he finally lets it all out, sobbing violently like he hasn’t done in years. It’s too much. Too much. And Gary doesn’t want to live like that anymore. He needs to let go of the ghost of his past that aches him. He needs to stop running away. He needs to…get the closure he was denying. He wants to heal. 

He needs to…

He exhales a shaky breath that almost chokes him. He feels choked – by the emotions that took over him, by the realization that finally crashed over him like a tidal wave. 

Taking a deep breath, he leaves the room. His legs feel wobbly, but he manages to pull himself together as, without even bothering to tell Goh, he leaves the Laboratory. Despite the late hour, he keeps walking, his mind made up about where he wants to go, Bre by his side minutes later as he finally released her so she could give him her comforting company.

“We’re going back to Pallet Town”, he murmurs and Bre tilts her head, like she would try to make a point that it’s too late to walk at this time. But Gary doesn’t care, he keeps walking, so she lights up the pattern on her body to lighten up the road ahead of them. 

But Bre stops walking as they pass the nearby Pokemon Centre, her gaze pleading to stay overnight there to keep them safe just for the needed rest during the night. 

Gary listens, but he doesn’t fall asleep that night as the conversation with Tokio replays in his mind, and the image of him taking off the ring is engraved into his heart and his tired eyelids, aching him more with each passing second.

🌸

“Oh boy”, Ash sighs as the Gary threw away the ring message welcomes his vision. He looks over at Tokio, who just reached out his hand for another tissue. 

“The day when Gary proposed to me was the happiest day of my life, and today, I found out that…he wasn’t ready for it yet”, he says as another sniff leaves him, and Ash carefully sits next to him, offering him a sympathetic smile.

“That doesn’t mean he regrets it”, Ash whispers as Tokio looks over at his empty finger, squinting his eyes in sadness as he listens to whatever Ash is gonna say. “Gary is…stubborn, and he sometimes may be arrogant. He hides his feelings under his arrogant attitude and his teasing, but he doesn’t know when to give up. Trying to impress your parents and get their respect was the thing that mattered to him a lot. Who doesn’t want to be loved by their second half’s family?”, Ash says, chuckling dryly, and Tokio shifts his attention to him. “You know, when me and Goh finally decided to leave Alola, I was scared. I was always scared about how people would react if I dated a boy, just thinking about how judged we would be messed with me a lot, and that was a reason why I left and ghosted Goh, because I couldn’t bear the thought of Goh suffering because of it. When Goh came to Alola and we confessed our feelings, I was over the moon. That night, Goh said – this love is ours, and that one sentence changed a lot in my mindset, because if Goh doesn’t care what others would think about us, why should I care?”, a shaky exhale to go on. “Coming back to Vermillion was hard, and I wasn’t scared of facing you or Gary, well, the thought of facing Chloe was scary, I have to admit”, Ash laughs, and Tokio lets out a chuckle as well. “But Goh’s parents? My heart was beating so fast. What if they don’t want to see me? What if they don’t accept our relationship? After all, I broke their son’s heart, and now I have the audacity to come back after all these months, and hold hands with him like the previous distance wouldn’t matter. So we go to their apartment, and I’m shaking, like really shaking, and before we enter it, Goh locks his eyes with me. He doesn’t say anything, he just looks into my eyes, feeling my discomfort like he would try to say if they kick you out, they can kick me out too, I don’t care what they think, because I chose you. I chose to forgive you, I chose to be with you. And the moment we entered it, Camillie’s eyes just grew bigger with love when she spotted me, and the first thing she did was give me the biggest and longest hug ever. I’ll never forget that, that felt so…reassuring that our relationship was accepted, that I was forgiven. I really needed that, and I know that’s what people want – approval, especially from loved ones. Sometimes moms have the gut who is right for you and who is not, but sometimes you just feel it, too – who is meant for you, and when I look at you both – you are meant for each other”, Ash smiles, fidgeting with the locket on his chest. “I’ve known Gary since…damn, we were so little when we first met, and I swear to you – I’ve never seen Gary flustered, blushing and so in love ever. I saw him like that for the first time around you, and the day he proposed to you…he was glowing, his aura was, Arceus, so bright for the first time in years. Maybe he said that he was rushing it, the need to prove to your parents that he can settle down messed up so much with him, but he loves you. He loves you so much, and this moment would come, if not then, then now, because he chose you, and he always wanted to spend the rest of his life with you”, Ash reassures, and Tokio glances at his empty finger again, exhaling heavily.

“But I have a feeling you do regret something”, Ash smiles, chuckling and Tokio nods his head weakly.

“I miss the weight of it”, he admits as another sigh leaves his mouth.

Ash tilts his head, smiling symphatically. “What was your parent’s reaction?”.

“They were concerned, scared even. I was just sixteen, still a teenager. They thought that Gary was just using me. So maybe…it was rushed, but…I didn’t care because I love him, and that was what I dreamed of”, Tokio lets out, and Ash frowns.

“And do your parents know that?”, he asks, swaying his leg, and Tokio bites his lips.

“We argued a lot about it, but never had a proper conversation, just argument after argument”, Tokio sighs, fidgeting with the hem of his shirt.

“Call them”, Ash insists, and Tokio lets out a shocked huh?. “Call them now. Your relationship is at risk, yeah? Call them, now. Tell them how it makes you feel”, Ash repeats, elaborating further, and Tokio doesn’t even need to pull out his phone because his mom is the one calling him instead.

"Speak of the devil”, he mutters, and Ash snorts, but he stops when Tokio takes the call on speaker.

“Oh hi, sweetheart, I just wanted to let you know that your suit arrived safe and sound”, Marjorie’s voice fills the room, and Ash almost gets a whiplash at how cheerful she sounds, compared to Tokio and Gary’s stories about her.

“Oh, that’s great, I’m glad to hear that”, it’s forced and tense, and Marjorie seems to not notice it yet.

“Will you be coming for dinner soon? We miss you”, she lets out a sad laugh, but before Tokio can even reply, the next question is uttered. “Would Gary be coming too?”.

The question takes Tokio off guard. “Oh, um, I don’t think so”.

Marjorie sighs. “Right, I thought so. The wedding is so soon, and he’s still so tense around us…”, Ash mutters quietly, who would’ve guessed why and Tokio almost snorts at the comment as Marjorie goes on. “He can’t even put any effort–”, it snaps something in Tokio as his hand fists around the phone in his hold. 

He takes a deep breath as he cuts his mother off. “He heard what you said”, Tokio says, anguish filling his voice, and there’s a silence on the other side of the line.

“Is he with you, I’m sorry–”, Tokio cuts her off again.

"I meant on our first meeting together. He was nothing but lovely towards you. So respectful, and you still talked shit behind his back. He’s a researcher, he won’t settle down, he’ll break your heart, yeah? And you’re surprised that he forces himself to come with me to see you when he feels that he’s not welcome there?”, Tokio raises his voice, and Ash considers leaving the room because the conversation turns rather personal, but Tokio tells him to stay with his hand. “It hurts him, it hurts me, and I’ve had enough, I’ve had enough of our constant arguments. I love him, and…”, Tokio glances at Ash, who encourages him with a nod of his head. “...I chose him, and we’re getting married soon whether you want it or not, and all I ask for is some respect, because he makes me happy. All he wishes for is to be welcomed and loved, and have a loving family, especially when his own parents are…”.

The sentence isn’t even finished. Tokio doesn’t even finish it. He doesn’t even let his mom speak as he hangs up and lets the phone slide from his hand to his lap as he breathes heavily. Ash just eyes him, concerned, and when Tokio reaches to wipe some tears that escaped his eyes, he puts a hand on his shoulder to offer some comfort.

Tokio whispers a grateful thank you as he glances at his phone. His mom sent him a message, but he’s too shaken up to see what it is. It can wait for later. 

“Do you um, feel better? I can tell you had it bottled up in yourself for a long time”, Ash asks, concern filling his voice, and Tokio closes his eyes in a thought.

Just as he wants to speak, Ash’s phone interrupts him. Ash doesn’t even have a chance to greet Goh, because he’s the one to speak first.

“The good news is, I found the ring. The bad news is…”, Goh takes a deep breath to get rid of the tremble in his voice. “Gary is gone”.

Tokio’s eyes widen, and Ash frowns. “What? What are you talking about?, Tokio asks, panic taking over every inch of his face as his hand starts to shake.

“He’s gone, I…I searched everywhere. Every room, the whole park twice. He’s gone, his phone is turned off, I…I– I don’t know what to do”, Goh’s voice breaks, and Ash tries to calm him down.

“Hey baby, shh, it’s okay, we’ll find him. We'll be coming back to the Laboratory right now, okay? We’ll figure it out together”, Ash reassures as he meets Tokio’s gaze to offer him some comfort too, but with how lifeless Tokio’s eyes look right now, Ash is not sure if comfort is what Tokio needs at the moment.

Goh nods his head, even if Ash can’t see him, before he hangs up. Ash takes a deep breath, and Tokio hides his face into his hands as a sob escapes his lips. Ash is quickly by his side, wrapping his arm around him in a half hug.  

Another it’s gonna be okay fills the room, and Tokio barely registers it as he glances at his empty finger again, hoping they will find Gary safe and sound.

🌸

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye

You were bigger than the whole sky

You were more than just a short time

And I've got a lot to pine about

I've got a lot to live without

I'm never gonna meet

What could've been, would've been

What should've been you