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“Friends? No thanks,”
A heavy pause sat between the two boys,
“Best friends.”
The memory stuck in Mike’s mind, echoing in his ears despite the time that has passed; almost as if it were taunting him, punishing him. A quiet, melancholic laugh escaped out of Mike’s mouth. He should be out celebrating, one of his books had finally been published out of state, yet all he could think about was the boy he missed.
The boy who got away.
The boy who he would never forget.
Will.
Oh... Will...
He wondered if Will had heard about his book, he even dared to wonder if he had read it. A small part of him dreaded the idea of it. What if he figured out that the characters each had their own real-life counterparts, would he figure out that the knight and the sorcerer were them, would he know that the knight was a poorly made mask to hide his own secrets? Who was he kidding, Will was smart. He would figure it out instantly.
Shame burned behind his eyes, years of trying to be ‘normal’ could’ve just been shattered by one stupid novel. Deep down he knew this wasn’t the first time he feared his disguise would crumble. Memories of unsent letters hidden in the back right corner of his closet concealed under piles of clothes flooded his brain. They were all dated from late ‘85 up until the spring of ‘86. Each time he would pick up his pen the filthy truth would spill out, bleeding into the page no matter how hard he tried to stop.
‘To Will,
….
Love, Mike’
‘Dear Will,
….
Love, Mike’
‘Love, Mike’
‘Love, Mike’
‘Love, Mike’
‘Love.’
He never could run fast enough to escape the truth.
The shame grew and coursed through his veins; he’d become accustomed to this feeling. The itchiness that bloomed under his skin, the panic that he was going to be discovered was now a permanent resident buried deep within his chest. The air felt thick and heavy, his lungs became weaker and smaller, a pounding sensation awoke in his head, the tears - which he had been accumulating for as long as he could remember - broke free from eyes and raced down his cheeks. Sobs ripped through his body as he thought of what could’ve been if he had just been able to be the true Mike Wheeler.
God, he felt drained.
Giving into his body’s needs, he inevitably lost the battle he was fighting with sleep. As Mike slipped away all his regrets played on repeat in his mind.
☆☆☆☆☆
The sound of the morning news spread through the house and down into the basement pulling Mike out of his slumber. His face left tacky with remnants of the previous night, and God his throat was dry. Slowly, he sat up and stretched out, his body cracking while doing so.
“Fuuuucckkkk” Mike sighed, waking up in the basement surrounded by all the mementoes of the party and his youth was not the way he wanted to start the day.
Various pieces of Will’s art coated the walls, legos that he had built with Dustin, an old wrist rocket and various comics left by Lucas, and all their D&D folders still neatly lined up on his shelf only reminded him how alone he truly was.
Mike knows there is no one else to blame but himself, but can you really fault him? He was left in Hawkins alone. He was abandoned.
He knows deep down that it was an excuse, no one abandoned him. He was just a coward, an asshole like he always was. Pushing those he once held close to him away. He felt as if he deserved it, he knew he was never the best friend ever so perhaps, they would be better off without him.
No one ever actually admitted this, but he knew their thoughts and feelings. He would ignore calls and letters from his ex-friends, trying to remind himself that they were happy without him and that if they knew he was... different they would hate him despite the quiet voices in the back of his head. The voice that pleaded not to be left behind or abandoned, the voice that said how accepting of Will they were, so why would he be any different?
Mike didn’t have a valid answer to that question, but he just knew he wouldn’t be accepted. He was disgusting, at least that’s what his father had preached his whole life. His father’s cold, monotonous voice was the cause for almost all of Mike’s insecurities.
“You need to cut your hair Micheal. You look like a fag.”
“I didn’t raise a disgusting queer Micheal so for the love of God stop acting like one.”
Shaking his head to rid his mind of Ted’s voice he grabbed his glasses and checked the time, the clock on the desk showed it was 9:38am. Just as he was about to stand up a picture caught his eye. It was one of the last ones he received. It was Will, Dustin, Max, and Lucas smiling together, clearly after one of their bi-monthly hang outs. Mike hadn’t seen them so happy in years, a bitter jealousy filled him.
Why could they be so happy and he couldn’t? Why did they all get their happy endings while he was stuck here, in this shitty town?
Despite this, he couldn’t tear his eyes off Will who was in the middle. The brunette’s smile hadn’t change since they were kids, and fuck. He looked gorgeous. His eyes shone under the lights; his face slightly flushed from whatever alcohol they had consumed that night. That funny feeling bubbled in Mike’s stomach again. Ripping his eyes away, he placed it back in its original place.
☆☆☆☆☆
He made his way upstairs and headed towards the kitchen, he had managed to avoid Ted, stepping out of the basement door just as he left for work. A gentle humming noise danced and swayed through the kitchen. The noise was one Mike found comforting. His mother’s melodic hums that she would unconsciously find herself doing while cleaning or cooking, was one of the few things that soothed Mike’s constant state of anxiety.
“Morning mom.” Mike said trying to hide how his voice was still raw from the night before.
“Good morning, Mike.” She replied, eyeing Mike suspiciously.
“What? Why are you looking at me like that?” His voice instantly turned defensive and sharp.
“I... wanted to talk to you about something. Or well, someone I suppose.” Her worry poorly hidden.
“Okay.? Is everything alright?” The defensiveness falling away.
“You know you can tell me anything? I would never judge you,” she paused, Mike nodded and she tried to gather the correct words, “I read your book Micheal. I know. I know you love him.”
5 words. That was all it took for Mike’s carefully constructed mask to crumble and fall to the ground like dust. He was found out.
“I know you love him”
Every single one of his instincts were telling him to run and get out.
His life was over.
He was going to be kicked out.
He was going to be abandoned again.
He couldn’t get enough air, it was as if his lungs were bound by rope, each breath aggravated his throat. For the second time in two days, he felt his eyes watering. He needed to get out. He needed to leave.
However, he could feel Karen’s slightly cold hands on his face and arm dragging him back to reality. She wrapped her arms around her trembling son, combing her hands through his hair gently shushing him. It reminded her of when Will first went missing and of when Will moved to Lenora, only Will could get him to show this much emotion. Pressing a kiss to his temple, she pulled away, “This doesn’t change anything Mike. You will always be my son despite was Ted says.”
Karen always knew Ted would have some affect on their son. Mike’s tears ebbed and his breath slowed back to a relatively normal rhythm.
“H-how.?” Karen’s heart shattered, her boy sounded so small and vulnerable as his voice trembled.
“I always had a... slight suspicion you weren’t like the other boys. You and Will were always so close and you’d act so much calmer and relaxed when you were with him. I’d see how much Ted’s comments hurt you, a-and I tried my best to make him stop but... well you know how he is,” sighing, she continued, “I tried to be that safe place for you and as you got older you met Eleven and you were happy together. I was so happy you found someone who you loved and who loved you just as much. Yet, as more time passed, I saw you change. I could tell you didn’t feel as strongly as you did before and the way your eyes would light up at the mention of Will practically confirmed my suspicions.”
Mike was dumbfounded. How did she see through him that easily...? His mouth opened and closed like a fish out of water. His mom let out a laugh under her breath, but her face turned serious as she spoke again.
“You stayed with her and played pretend for years, I could tell you weren’t fully committed and, this sounds awful, but a part of me hoped you would break up, save the both of you from a loveless relationship. But you just... kept fighting through it.” She grabbed his hand and looked into his russet brown eyes. “And I’m sorry, but she’s gone now, and… you should be happy. I do not want you to end up like me and your father. Stuck in a loveless relationship where the only conversations you have are arguments.”
By now both of them had tears rolling down their faces, her voice cracked with each word she said.
He suddenly realised how alike him and Ted really were. He became the man he never wanted to be. The man he vowed not to be. Every trait they shared ran through his mind, his hair, his glasses, his dull brown eyes, his lack of care and attention to those around him and of course forcing an unhappy relationship for the sake of reputation. God, he felt ill. Nausea filled his gut at the thought of being anything like his father.
“W-what do I do now, how do I fix this...? He’s in New York…”
“You catch a flight and get your love. I’ll call Joyce and find out his address for you. Just book a flight and start packing.”
“Thank you… for everything. I love you so much.”
“I love you too sweetheart. Just remember, you aren’t wrong or anything your father says. Your love is just as beautiful as anyone else’s.” They shared a hug, Karen vowed to never let Ted make her son feel like a disgrace ever again.
After a few minutes, they pulled apart. Just as he was about to leave the room, Mike turned around, “Mom, I need to tell you something,” he paused and smiled a genuine smile,
“I like boys.”
She smiled back just as bright.
“I’m so proud of you, honey.”
☆☆☆☆☆
New York was nothing like Hawkins.
The bustling streets, the constant noise from cars and people, and the lingering smell of gas made Mike feel out of place. Bars and restaurants lined the street; their lights cut through the night’s darkness. One bar in particular drew his eye.
Julius’.
The rainbow flags hanging outside the door and from windows, rainbow bunting hung around the windows engraved into his mind. A small chalkboard stood outside, ‘Proudly NYC’s oldest gay bar’.
Proudly?
He could see the smiles of those inside, the joy radiated from the building. Everyone seemed so free…
Oh.
Maybe, he wasn’t alone.
Maybe, he wasn’t disgusting or wrong.
Maybe, he was just a person who felt love like anyone else.
Maybe.
A sinful desire urged him into the bar. The stale and bitter air attacked his senses; Jesus he hated the smell of bars. Pop music blared from each corner of the room; he faintly recalled the song from a movie. Drifting over to a far corner, he pulled out and lit a cigarette, smoke dancing off the end. Taking a drag of the cigarette, he lifted his head, eyes surveying the room. They caught on a familiar face. A face that he could never forgot. A face that he would see whenever he closed his eyes at night. His heart skipped a beat as memories began flooding his mind.
Shit.
William Byers.
Will fucking Byers sat at the bar and holy shit did he look just as ethereal as he remembered under the bar’s warm, pink lights. His brunette hair was slightly tussled, and his signature bowl cut was gone. He had a small gold hoop on his right ear. His hazel eyes reflected the lights. Mike remembered how long he would stare into those eyes. They were forever engraved in his mind, haunting him. He was with a man Mike realised. The love in Will’s eyes was aimed at a man that wasn’t him. A man that looked sort of like him with unkempt, messy black curls, brown eyes, and a freckled face. He was too late.
‘It’s strong and it’s sudden
and it’s cruel sometimes’
He had to get out of here immediately.
‘But it might just save
your life’
Then hazel met russet brown.
‘That’s the power of love’
Mike saw Will’s eyes widen and an unreadable expression crossed his face.
‘That’s the power of love’
The author all but sprinted out the door. He couldn’t bear the thought of not being needed by Will. Climbing into a taxi just as the artist ran through the doors into the cool air.
☆☆☆☆☆
Will looked up from his drink, his eyes widening as he met eyes with the man he used to love.
Micheal Wheeler.
Mike fucking Wheeler stood in the corner, a cigarette pressed between his lips, the smoke slightly obscuring his face. He didn’t know when he took up the bad habit. His eyes looked dull and tired, eye bags stood out against his pale skin, cheeks were slightly sunken, yet he still looked angelic. He now wore rounded glasses, and his hair was swept up but his curls still remained slightly messy. He longed to run his fingers through it hoping it would be just as soft as it used to be. A hint of worry bloomed in the pit of his stomach at how non-put together he looked.
Then, their eyes met.
Within seconds Mike had fled from his position.
A voice came from beside him, “Hey, you okay?”
“Y-yeah, just need to do something quickly.” Will stammered out, shooting out of his chair. He rushed out the door, not waiting for a response from the man. He slammed the doors open, yelling the name that belonged to the boy that once owned his heart. He turned his head frantically in every direction.
“MIKE!”
“MIKE!” He yelled one last time, his voice cracking. Not seeing the man anywhere, he swallowed past the lump in his throat. “Shit...” he murmured to himself. Heading back inside he found that his boyfriend, Carlton, was still sitting in the same place with a worried look on his face.
“I don’t want to talk about it, can we just go home?” Will pleaded, his eyes growing damp.
☆☆☆☆☆
Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit.
Will had definitely seen him. It all started to seem too real, too much.
Could he do this? Could he be Mike the Brave once more? Could he be brave enough to spill his guts out to a man who had moved on?
The wind howled like hound, it fluttered through his hair, sending shivers down his spine. He watched the light from his lit cigarette dimly glow in night. The faint heat warmed his fingers, smoke snaked and danced off the end. Mike knew he had to quit, but the stale, bitter smell had become a comfort for him. The lingering taste of smoke grounded him to the here and now. It was a way for him to feel like himself and relax.
One thing he missed about Hawkins was how you could see the stars. The small town had very little light pollution so the night sky would be seen in its entirety. However, in New York it didn’t get dark enough. The city was always filled by light meaning the sky’s beauty was lost. He remembers going to park at night or going on late night bike rides with the party where it would be just them and the sky. He loved it. Every now and then they would sit on the quarry or whatever field they could find and look up at the stars. Those nights out faded away after Will went missing, they were spent searching for him or holed away in Mike’s basement. He never realised how much he missed being a kid, how much he missed his friends. Sighing, he extinguished the cigarette and headed inside.
☆☆☆☆☆
Will stared at the picture in his hand. It was their party after their graduation. He could remember the joy they all felt in the moment. He had pictures from his youth splayed out around him, all of them including one person. Mike. He could never forget how he was always so much happier around him. It was as if all his worries melted away, even after he had been considered dangerous, Mike never left his side. Will remembers Mike falling asleep on the hospital chair or his bedroom floor as to not leave his side. He remembers all the stolen glances and how they always seemed to be touching each other, whether it be an arm, a leg or a hand. His smile always seemed just that bit brighter and just that bit mor genuine around Micheal Wheeler.
His sketchbook laid as his side; it was practically all filled with sketches of Mike. This night it was open to a particular portrait of said person. He remembered that night, it was the first time Mike had been there when he drew him. He’d usually use photos laying around or his memory. They had just come back from another unsuccessful crawl, and he could not draw his eyes away from the taller boy. He remembers awkwardly asking if he could draw him, he seemed taken aback for a second but almost immediately agreed. They sat in Mike’s room with only a lamp lighting it up, albeit it wasn’t the greatest light source for an artist, but it made it feel so intimate.
“Who’s this?”
He zoned back in with a gasp. The artist had been so distracted by his reminiscing that he didn’t hear his boyfriend pick up one of the photos.
“Oh, uh. That’s Mike. He was my childhood best friends, we’d known each other since kindergarten. He was... uh the guy I was telling you about...”
“The ex-crush?” Carlton said, his eyes squinting at the photo in his hand.
Will just nodded, he could feel his face started to flush.
“Oh. He uh...” Carlton swallowed, looking back at Will, “He looks just like me.”
Shit, he hadn’t realised how uncanny the resemblance was. His boyfriend was practically Mike. He opened his mouth to try and get out some form of defence.
“Are you sure you’re over him? ‘Cuz no offence, I don’t want to be some guy you date just because I look like your old crush”
It was as if Will had just been dunked into ice cold water.
Was he over Mike? Of course he was… right? He had to be… but... he just couldn’t bring himself to say no. Shit.
He was still in love with Mike.
“Listen, in my opinion, I don’t think you are. You’re sat here staring lovingly at photos of him. Your sketchbook is full of him. Hell, you’re dating a practical carbon copy of him.” His voice rose slightly as he got to the end of his sentence. Putting the photo down, he sat down next to Will, clasping one of his shoulders in his hand. It reminded him of how much Mike would comfort him by doing that exact same action.
“I think we should break up. At least until you’re sure you’re over him. If you can’t get over him, then go get him, don’t play pretend with me. I don’t deserve it.” He stood up, giving Will one final look before walking out the door.
Will instantly dropped his head into his hand, tears quickly forming in his eyes.
How the hell was he meant to find Mike in New York City?
☆☆☆☆☆
Mike woke up feeling just as fatigued as he did the night before. He got up and went about his usual routine. The question of how he was going to see Will lingered on his mind. He put on his glasses and in doing so saw a small piece of paper out the corner of his eye.
Will’s address.
Amongst everything he had forgotten his mom had gotten his address from Joyce. A sense of relief washed over him, he had a way of seeing the boy he loved again. However, it didn’t last long as dread and anxiety pushed through, drowning any relief he had felt.
What if Will didn’t want to see him? Was all this just one sided? Well, there was only one way to find out.
Taking a deep breath and pushing past the noise in his head, he pocketed the address and began the journey.
☆☆☆☆☆
This was it.
Will’s apartment.
He had been staring at the door and pacing around trying to calm his nerves for what seemed like hours. Doubt swirled through his mind, slowly chipping away at his confidence.
His thoughts were cut off by the sound of a door opening.
“I’m sorry can I help y— Mike.?”
“W-Will! Hey!”
“How did you get my address? Why are you pacing outside my door?”
“Oh, uh your mom gave it to me, h-hope it’s okay that I’m here. I… needed to talk to you.” He could feel his anxiety burning in his throat, all he could do was stand there and wring his hands.
“Y-yea no it’s fine, come in.” Will stepped aside and led Mike into his apartment.
Will’s house was small, yet it was so him. It was just enough brightness, and everything was clean, paintings and posters covered the walls. A bookshelf caught his eye. One book in particular.
Fuck.
Will had his most recent book. “You… have my book?”
“Huh? Oh, Yea, of course! No one told me or any of the part it was published outside of Indiana, so imagine my shock when I saw your name!” It sounded like a subtle jab at Mike for isolating himself, “I haven’t got round to reading it yet though, sorry. College has been keeping me pretty busy.”
“No, no it’s fine. I just, wasn’t expecting you to have it.”
“No matter how long it’s been, I will always support you.” Will refused to look up or make eye contact.
“Sorry if this is too personal but, who, who was that guy you were with at the bar?” Mike uttered, almost afraid of the older boy’s response.
“That… was my boyfriend. Well, uh, ex boyfriend now. We had a well needed conversation.”
“Shit, uh sorry for asking.”
Of course, Mike had to go and fuck it up.
Great job Wheeler.
“Why are you here?” Will spat out. Before Mike could answer, Will had already began speaking again. “Sorry, that sounded harsh. I’m happy you’re here just, confused I guess.”
“I needed to get something off of my chest.” Mike said barely loud enough to be heard. The shy, anxious Mike was a sight Will had seldom seen. He had known him to be the brave boy who he could always count on to protect him. Seeing him so unlike the boy he was used to made Will worry. He could tell Mike was actively fighting the urge to turn tail and run. He was fidgeting, running his hands through his wild hair, bouncing his leg and wringing his hands. Just as Will was about to ask if he was okay, Mike began to speak.
“You weren’t the only one w-who was scared of their identity Will,” his voice was hushed, “Y-you know seeing you become your true self after sharing you were gay was so…” he stumbled over his words, “beautiful. Fuck, i mean, you’d always been pretty a-and still are! But seeing you without any shame or secrets made you glow, and God. I wanted to be like that too.” Mike let out a trembling breath, silence flooded the room as he stood up and paced across the small room, trying not to cry. His father’s voice echoed in his mind once more.
“Wipe those tears away Micheal, you’re not a girl.”
“Boys don’t cry Micheal.”
“Mike...?” Will whispered as gentle as ever, softly pushing him to continue.
“I-I made a plan...” pausing to take a breath, “After everything was over, I was going to tell everyone I was…. I... I was q-queer” his voice wavering and dropping on the final word as if he had just said something awful. He risked a glance up making eye contact with the hazel eyes he’d dreamt of for the last two years. They were also filled with tears, but behind them he could see how much they were filled with pride and love. Mike spoke again, his voice more confident.
“Once we all made it out, I was going to tell El… I would take her somewhere quiet and tell her and apologise for wasting her time, then i would tell the party and my mom, and Nancy and the rest, b-but never my dad.” The eye contact suddenly felt overwhelming, despite the warmth he felt just seconds ago. It was as if Will could see into him, his shame, worry and anger. A sudden bout of fear coursed through his veins, “and you. I’d leave y-you ‘til last... n-not because you’re the least important. No, it would be the opposite. You’re the most important person in the world to me, I wouldn’t be able to lose you” A sad, soft laugh slipped out at the irony, “I mean I still lost you...” tears caressed his face.
“Y-you didn’t lose me mike, we just... grew in different directions but we were always going to find our way back to each other.” Will grasped his hand tight causing Mike to stop in front of the older boy. A small smile forming on his lips.
“Either way the plan went to shit, after El uh, quote unquote died and everyone left Hawkings, I became so obsessed with the idea of needing to be normal. I pushed any thought of being different away and I guess... in doing so I pushed everyone else away and lost who I really was. I hated howI-I became just like my father and fuck I hated it. I hated myself so much. So, after my mom sat me down and made me face reality, I came here,” he took a deep breath and smiled back, “to the only person who ever truly made me always feel better. You.”
Mike knew he looked gross. The tears that had stained his cheeks, his red, puffy eyes, the snot running from his nose, yet Will looked at him like he was the most breathtaking piece of art. His mouth was slightly open and his eyes brimming with need. “Does that mean what I think it does?” Will whispered almost scared of the answer.
Sighing, Mike pulled his hand out of the other’s hand and turned away. Dread filled Will’s stomach, shit did he misread what he was saying.
“I-I’m in love with you, Will. So, so in love,” the younger man mumbled out forcing back to urge to look at Will. “But I-I’m so scared. I’ve never felt so… strongly about a person before.” He resumed his pacing. “I know I’ll mess it up. I’m not a good person Will. I-I’m rude, irrational, irritable, oblivious, selfish a-and so much more, the list could go on for hours. I love wrong. I cling and I beg for attention but run and hide the moment it becomes too much. I love like a stray, and I cower away like one too. No matter how hard I try… I can never be what anyone needs. But you…” The freckled man stopped by the window, gazing out at the now setting sun.
“You’re a masterpiece. I feel complete with you, all the fear I’ve ever felt drains away the moment I look at your face. I hear birdsong and think of you. I see the sun and think of you. I never want to be known without you, I only wish to be known as the sum of us. After you left, all I yearned for was the feeling of your arms wrapped tightly around me, the soft sound of your voice and the light that you emitted each time you smiled.”
He could hear Will’s sobs behind him.
“Mike… you are perfect.” Will carefully made his way over to Mike as if he was approaching a scared animal. He placed his hand on his shoulder forcing him away from the window. “Mike look at me.” Will now had matching tear marks and swollen eyes, “I love you, for you. I could never ask you to change. I don’t love you despite your flaws, I love you because of them. You are and always have been the love of my life, I couldn’t get over you even after moving 700 miles away. I ended up dating a guy who looked just like you for Christ’s sake.” He paused to cup the hollowed cheeks in his hands.
“I’m scared too. I’m scared that one day you’ll realise you never actually loved me, that you had somehow convinced yourself. I’m scared that fear will push you so far away I can never get you back again, a-and I don’t ever want to be without you again.”
“Neither do I.”
Their eyes reflecting the love burning deep inside them. Their eyes fluttered closed as the gap between them lessened.
Their lips touched and it seemed as if the world just consisted of them. Everything around them seemed to disappear, their minds only repeating the other’s name. Despite what people say there was no spark, or fireworks in their mind. It was just…
Peace.
It was perfect.
They reluctantly parted, needing air. The years the two had spent yearning for each other had reached a conclusion and it was the best thing they could have hoped for.
“If we’re both scared, then we’ll be scared together, right?” Mike uttered out. The words reminiscent of a promise the boys had made those years ago.
“Yeah, scared together.”