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To say that Ilya is a perfectionist would be an understatement. Ilya is practically good at everything he does, and it's not because he's magically gifted with the IQ of a mad scientist. It's because he works hard. He has refined his discipline to perfection from a very young age.
This is mostly due to the pressure his father put on him as well. He couldn't afford to make mistakes because that would mean hearing his father's piercing insults and harsh words. That only grew sharper after the passing of his mother.
Now his perfectionism is something he lives with. It's a part of him because of the way he grew up. It's not something he can unlearn. It's also something that he can bring himself to unlearn because it got him where he's at. He's young, rich, and successful because of it, so why fix something that is not broken?
The only person who seems to have chipped at his perfectionism is none other than Shane Hollander. He doesn't know what possessed him to make a move on Shane, and have them sneaking around the way that they were, but it happened, and now Shane is like an infectious disease that has colonized itself throughout his body, mind, and soul, and he wouldn't have it any other way.
The one who had planted the seed of the BDSM lifestyle in Ilya's head was none other than Ryan Price. He's one of the coaches at the summer camp Shane and he had opened up. He was having a tough time on one of his days, and Ilya decided to pull him aside to ask what was wrong only for him to freak out and have a panic attack.
It wasn't until he called Fabian using Ryan's phone that the man calmed down after Fabian ushered him out of the panicked state with praises, reassurance, promises, a few scoldings but not harsh at all. He sounded more worried and disappointed in himself than anything else. The day went by normally after that.
Ryan was in a better mood, and his boyfriend Fabian picked him up that day, pulled Ilya aside, thanked him for calling him, and explained that Ryan is prone to dropping when he's having a bad season with his anxiety. It's always up and down with him, and they're still trying to figure it out and manage it better, but it's always a work in progress.
Ilya was nice and understanding because he too has a boyfriend who's also prone to overlooking his needs and allowing things to build up before asking for help. He was unfamiliar with the word "dropping," so he started doing his own research after the encounter and got pulled into a rabbit hole immediately, and realized just how imperfect he was at times when he was with Shane.
So it won't come as a surprise that his most recent searches on Google include:
What is dropping?
What is sub drop?
How to know your sub needs aftercare, but won't say anything?
How to meet a sub's emotional needs?
Am I a bad Dom?
During his time in the rabbit hole, his relationship with Shane was flashing before him like it was his last seven minutes alive. He replayed every encounter, every word, every scene he's had with Shane. The one that stood out the most was the encounter in Vegas.
After he and Shane had the encounter in Vegas he understood that their dynamic was so different and hard to grasp. It wasn't something he and Shane could just let go of. Even after not seeing each other for six months. Their bodies just fell into a natural rhythm that they've established. They meant later that night, if he remembers it correctly Shane and him never kissed that night, and he remembers feeling like complete shit when the realization settled in, and he also remembers he didn't do good aftercare.
It's unfamiliar territory for Ilya. Yes, Ilya has had lots of sex, so he's familiar with dynamics and BDSM to some extent, and he's also participated in a few scenes a very long time ago. That didn't last long though because he has a busy lifestyle that's not suitable for a submissive, so he opted to just give out casual sex. It's short-term and less messy, and less demanding.
With Shane, it was so different, messy, and long-term. It was anything but casual and short. There was so much intensity, desperation, and need that didn't allow their sex to just be casual. Ilya and Shane could lie to themselves into believing that it was casual and nothing more, but their bodies know otherwise hence why Shane dropped so horribly after the Vegas encounter.
Ilya is piecing things together and he's slowly starting to realize that he's been in lack of better words a stupid, shitty Dom, with a few good redeeming moments. Sure he and Shane haven't explored that side of their relationship, but they've been subconsciously doing it their whole time together, and now it's time to lean into that and actually explore it now that they have time, and don’t lie to themselves about their feelings.
Ilya wants to be the perfect dom to Shane, because Shane has been the perfect Sub for Ilya. Always so good at taking direction, praises, and letting go for Ilya. He's spent his whole teenage years taking the crumbs that Ilya was giving him being careful not to ask for too much, and when he felt like he was starting to demand too much a dam broke and he confessed his feelings to Ilya.
The more he scrolled through Reddit posts and blogs. The more he progressively felt like an idiot.
"Ilya!" The sudden voice breaks Ilya out of his doom scrolling and he slams his laptop shut and looks up to find in front of him. With his arms crossed over his chest. His face morphs into what Ilya likes to fondly call the confused kitten look. It’s probably on his face due to Ilya slamming his laptop shut like he was just looking at something illegal.
"Yes..." his says his voice is strained a little as if he's forcing the words out, and Shane's face shifts to the worried kitten look as Ilya calls it, and Ilya curses himself for being the cause of that look.
"Are you okay? I've been calling you for a minute...you weren't answering," Shane says uncrossing his arms. Ilya read somewhere that reading the body language of the sub is very important outside of the bedroom as well. The thought that pops up in Ilya's head is.
Uncrossing arms = less defensive
"I'm okay, just got distracted reading about cars," The lie smoothly rolls off his tongue, and he curses himself for being such a good liar, and Shane for being so gullible.
"Well, the cars can wait dinner is ready come on" Shane reaches his hands out. Ilya grabs them and Shane pulls him up off the chair leading him toward the dining table ranting about his day.
When Ilya sits at the dinner table he sees his plate and he instantly gets excited to eat because the food looks so good. He then looks over at Shane's plate, and his face scrunches up at the contrast. He decides to keep his complaints to himself for once about Shane's choice of food and protein source, and begins to eat. They sit in a comfortable silence before Shane breaks it again.
"Are you sure you're okay?" Shane questions and Ilya hums while he takes a big bite of his food as Shane eyes him suspiciously. Maybe Ilya underestimated how in tune Shane is with him and his body.
"You're acting weird...were you actually looking at cars?" Shane raises his brow, and Ilya freezes. Here he thought he actually got away with the lie. He really underestimated how well Shane knows him, and he should feel scared for being caught in a lie, but his heart flutters because there's someone in the world who cares enough to pay close attention to him.
"Yes," Ilya says simply and Shane scoffs and pouts feeling like he's being shut out of something important. He knows partners are allowed to have secrets, so if Ilya doesn't want to tell him what he was looking at then he should respect that and allow the man to have some privacy.
Instead of interrogating Ilya any further he starts to eat from his lackluster plate when compared to Ilya's. He always makes them separate meals because he knows Ilya won't eat the same "poison" that Shane eats, and he doesn't mind he loves taking care of Ilya. He especially loves it when Ilya praises him and tells him the food is good...which he didn't do tonight.
Ilya notices the pout on Shane's face and he immediately wants to kiss it away, but he knows that won't do. He then remembers that when he had started eating that Shane hadn't started eating yet it wasn't until after they exchanged words that Shane started eating his food. Now that Ilya is thinking about it Shane doesn't start to eat until he's sure Ilya has said something about his food being good and praises his cooking.
You're acting weird...
Well, he's not really helping the "acting weird" allegations by breaking the little habits he's built with Shane. Gosh, he could just explode from the amount of cuteness overload he's having from the realization that Shane waits to start eating only after Ilya has praised him and he's sure Ilya is enjoying his food.
"The food is amazing moy lyubimyy" Ilya says gently and when Ilya notices how Shane's face lights up as he smiles to himself, before he mutters a small thank you. He doesn't tease him or say anything about it. They continue eating and the comfortable atmosphere comes back.
And that's when it all starts. Ilya is making it his sole life mission to be the best dom roaming the earth for his sub Shane. He's a perfectionist and he will perfect the art of being Shane's Dom.
....
"Drink," Ilya says placing a cup of water in front of Shane while he types away on his computer he hates when Shane gets in his workaholic moods where he gets a burst of energy, and decides he's going to fix world hunger. He's just like his mother in that sense, but not as bad.
"Do you think our menus are too healthy?" Shane rambles "I want the kids to be able to enjoy the foods, but you know kids and their aversion to veggies and anything remotely healthy, and also what do you thi-"
"Shane. Drink the water."
Shane stops his rambling and the sound of typing comes to a complete stop. Ilya's voice wasn't sharp or raised it just left no room for arguments, and Shane knows better than to argue.
He grabs the cup of water and starts to drink slowly at first, but as soon as the water goes down his throat. He thanks the Gods for Ilya because his throat is dry. When was the last time he drank some water today? As an athlete, you'd think he would be good about drinking his water, but when summer hits he always gets a little lazy not too much just a little, and he slips here and there.
"Better?" Ilya questions and Shane nods his head. He was starting to feel his brain pounding in his skull, while the pounding is still there it's definitely dulled, after that glass of water. Shane nods his head his voice lost in his throat. Almost as if the water flooded his vocal cords.
"Alright, is dinner time come on" to Shane's horror it had been dinner time, and he completely forgot to get up and cook anything. Before he can say anything Ilya is pulling him up off the chair and dragging him towards the dining table. Curse Ilya and his super strength.
When Ilya sits him down and he gets a good look at his food he notices that there's a salad with all the dressings in separate little bowls. It seems like Ilya didn't want to accidentally put anything in Shane's salad that would be against his diet, so he gave him the option to do it himself, and some salmon. Alongside his high-protein shake.
"Used no butter or oils on salmon, and only put a pinch of salt and pepper...yuck" Ilya says the last part to himself as he continues to also list all the vegetables and fruits he used to make Shane's protein shake while gagging a few times. He prefers his food heavily seasoned with spices and seasonings, and his shakes to actually be good. He truly doesn't know how Shane does it.
Shane starts to feel his eyes watering as Ilya's rant about the ingredients he used in Shane's drink comes to an end.
"Sweetheart, are you okay? I promise is not unhealthy I only use healthy stuff" Shane can't help, but laugh because of course, Ilya thinks he's on the verge of tears because he didn't get a chance to make sure his food followed a strict diet. It's crazy because it's something he would cry about too.
"I'm okay, I'm just happy you're so perfect" The tension that had been on Shane's body instantly goes away and he finally relaxes for the first time since the day started, and Ilya can't help but proudly grin to himself like it’s his biggest achievement. Shane's happy and relaxed.
"Try it." Shane catches the way Ilya's eyes are focused on him and his food while tapping his fingers on the dinner table lightly, and it clicks for Shane in that moment.
He's nervous...
Shane has seen Ilya nervous on very few occasions he's the very outgoing one out of the two of them, so a nervous Ilya is very rare. It’s cute, even. Shane considers teasing him, dragging it out a little longer, but decides against it. He takes a bite of the salmon. His eyes widen when the flavor melts on his tongue instantly.
"It's delicious, Ilya"
For a brief moment, Ilya's eyes brighten, matching the warmth of his golden curls then he schools his expression back into something smug.
"Of course I made it," he says.
Shane laughs softly.
What did he do to deserve Ilya?
....
"My love are you alright?" Ilya questions and Shane nods his head feeling as if he's floating. Ilya and he just had probably the best sex of his life. Sex with Ilya is always the best sex of his life. It like gets better every time.
"I am going to grab a warm towel..." Ilya starts and Shane automatically starts to whimper at the thought of being away from Ilya and tightens his hold around him. "No no no sweetheart none of that I will be back, okay" Ilya reassures and Shane's hold doesn't falter.
"Can you be good for me moy lyubimyy?" Ilya asks softly and that instantly gets Shane's attention he wants to be good for Ilya he always wants to be good. He nods against Ilya's neck.
"Okay, can you let me go? I will be quick I promise" Ilya intertwines their pinkies together and kisses them. It takes a moment for Shane to process what Ilya wanted, but he eventually lets him go because he wants to be good and Ilya pinky swore. They don't take those lightly in their relationship. Ilya kisses him on his forehead multiple times before getting up to go grab some warm towels. He also starts to fill the bath on the way.
He read somewhere that giving the sub a nice warm bath is a really good form of aftercare. He has never done it before for Shane, and he's very nervous, but he did extensive research, so he's confident about what he's doing. He will have to ignore the small hint of nervousness he feels.
When he gets back into the bedroom he gently starts to wipe Shane's body, and Shane sighs contentedly when he feels the warm towels against his body cleaning him up. They feel so good and warm, and paired with Ilya's gentle touches, kisses, and praise he's definitely in heaven.
"Alright, I'm going to carry you to the bathroom" Ilya almost whispers it's as if he's scared to raise his voice and startle Shane. Shane nods his head and he feels himself being lifted off his bed he feels like he's on cloud nine.
"Baby, you are going into the tub is warm, okay?" Ilya waits until Shane nods against his neck not moving onto the next step until he's sure Shane knows what's happening.
"Thank you for responding sweetheart I know is hard" Shane feels his heart fill with joy at the acknowledgment he feels Ilya place a kiss on his forehead before placing him in a nice warm tub.
"There you go sweetheart you were so good for me tonight" Ilya starts his voice uncharacteristically gentle as he starts to wash Shane's body and clean him up gently. If anyone were to see the scene that's unfolding they would say it's a shapeshifter, but Shane knows better. This is his Ilya always so caring and attentive towards him.
"I'm here when you're ready to open your eyes solnyshko" Ilya says as he starts to wash Shane's hair gently. The fog starts to lift and Shane slowly starts to notice things like how the "warm" bath is actually scorching hot, just like how Shane likes his baths much to Ilya's dismay, or how Ilya washes his hair three times, because Shane thinks that three is what keeps his hair healthy. Ilya thinks three times is overkill, and he uses his nighttime body wash instead of his daytime body wash.
Shane slowly opens his eyes and he's met with dimmed lights. Since when was that a thing? He knew Ilya was up to something when he told Shane he would be working on a project in their shared bedroom. Shane didn't question it, and let his lover go do his thing. It's rare for Ilya to be so excited about working on something outside of hockey.
"Hey sweetheart, there you are" Ilya says softly drawing Shane's attention to him. The first thing he notices is the softness behind Ilya's eyes. The warmth behind them could probably melt Shane on the spot if it were possible.
"H-Hi" Shane cringes at his voice while clearing his throat and Ilya chuckles and continues to clean Shane up knowing that Shane probably doesn't want to talk much, and Shane appreciates him for it.
"Alright let's get you dried up" Ilya helps Shane out of the bathtub, and Shane is almost tempted to tell the man he can do it himself. But the level of care and precision Ilya is putting into making sure he's taken care of is making it hard for him to even want him to stop. He even did Shane's nighttime skincare routine with no errors, and Shane almost cried all the products off his face. Until Ilya had cooed at him and calmed him down when he noticed the other man's lips quivering.
When they get back into their bedroom Ilya rubs on Shane’s preferred choices of lotions for the nights time all over Shane's body, and yes Shane has preferred lotions that differ between the time of day. Ilya puts him in some clean boxers, and changes the bed sheets. Now Shane’s in bed being forced to drink lots of water and is eating his new favorite snacks Ilya helped him discover.
"Why did you do all that?" Shane suddenly questions while they're cuddling in bed the fog has lifted and he's now grasping all the things that Ilya had done for him in the last three hours.
"I love you," Ilya simply states and Shane's heart almost bursts. Teenage Shane would never believe that Ilya Rozanov would be sitting in their shared bed professing his love for him so casually.
"I love you too, and thank you I appreciate it" Shane says giving Ilya a quick peck on the lips. He pulls away and sees the proud grin on Ilya's face. As if he's just scored a 100 percent on an important exam.
"You do not need to thank me is bare minimum" Ilya states, and Shane cuddles deeper into Ilya's chest.
....
To say that Ilya has had his eyes glued to his laptop more often than not these days would be an understatement. Shane had almost forgotten the day that Ilya slammed his laptop shut when Shane called him for dinner, until it happened, again, and again on multiple occasions.
Shane was going to let it go and just respect his partner's privacy, but the curiosity is eating him alive. Ilya is usually so open about things what could he possibly be hiding from Shane?
Shane was going to go insane if he didn't figure it out, and lord and behold the Gods answered his prayers because Ilya had left his computer open, at full brightness on the kitchen island. It was like he wanted Shane to find out.
No Shane you can't. That is a breach of trust. He will come to you when he's ready.
But what if something serious is going on and this is my opportunity to rip the band-aid off?
What if he's hurt and hiding it from me?
Shane tries very hard to ignore the voice telling him to take a peek at Ilya's laptop and respect his privacy. He really does but he loses the battle with the little voice in his head giving him awful ideas about what he's hiding because what if one of these thoughts is correct?! He needs to find out what's going on.
When he looks at the computer the first thing in the search bar when he clicks as if he's going to search something up is.
How to bring a sub out of a sub drop safely?
Shane's mouth goes dry as he continues reading down the list slowly. His eyes roam over the text slowly taking everything in as his pulse and heart slow down.
Healthy foods to feed sub after they drop?
Shane's going to cry he's literally going to cry. His heart almost launches itself out of his chest when he reads the next one.
How to be a better Dom?
Shane can feel his heart physically melt at that one. If he could throw up the goo that is his heart he would've by now. He could replace the 71% of water that covers Earth with the amount of love he feels for Ilya at this exact moment hell Earth would be made up of 100% of the love Shane has for Ilya if that was something he could do. He knows he loves Ilya so much, but God this was one of those defining moments where he gets so overwhelmed by that love he just wants to combust.
"Shane have you seen-" now it's Shane's turn to slam the computer shut as if he's looking at something illegal. Ilya raises a grow, and now he also understands how stupid he looked doing that on multiple occasions.
"I-I'm sorry I know I just broke your trust" Shane starts with a stammer "I shouldn't have looked, but you've been so secretive and I got scared because I thought something was w-wrong. I'm so stupid you're s-so God w-where do I eve-" Shane's voice cracks and tears just start falling from his eyes. He doesn't know why he's crying. He feels like a child who just got caught taking a cookie from the cookie jar trying to get out of trouble. Ilya immediately pulls the smaller man into his arms and starts shushing him.
"No, no, I am not mad sweetheart is okay" Ilya coos while hugging Shane tightly knowing that Shane loves the physical pressure of being hugged tightly it distracts him from his overwhelming emotions. It also makes him feel extremely safe and protected from the outside world and his own mind sometimes especially if the hug is coming from Ilya.
"Breath for me Moy lyubimyy" Ilya directs and Shane can't help but follow the Russian man's soft command and slow his breathing.
"M sorry" Shane hiccups softly and Ilya shushes him again.
"I am not angry" Ilya reassures again placing soft kisses on Shane's forehead. Those usually seem to calm him down. Shane's breathing slows down, and he's only sniffling, and not full-on crying and almost hyperventilating. Ilya pulls away, and starts wiping Shane's stray tears Shane leans into the palm of Ilya's hand instinctively and rubs his face there grounding himself.
"Are you okay?" Ilya questioning rubbing his thumb against Shane's cheek back and forth. Shane finds comfort in the gentleness and calms himself down enough to look Ilya in the eyes. When he does the eyes aren't filled with a hint of anger just softness and worry.
"Yes I'm okay I'm sorry aga-"Shane starts.
"No, was stupid of me to leave computer there open is not your fault sweetheart" Ilya says chuckling to himself. It's almost like he left the Stanley cup out for Shane to grab leaving his computer out in the open like that after making it his life's mission to make sure Shane doesn't see what he's been researching and implementing into their lives for the last month and a half.
"I'm still sorry that was very rude of me to do..." Shane mumbles shamelessly looking down breaking eye contact with Ilya. Ilya tilts his head so that he regains eye contact and brings Shane's eyes from the floor. And Shane can't help but follow Ilya's eyes because they're like magnets pulling at him demanding his attention.
"Is okay Shane...you were going to find out eventually" Ilya says and Shane lets out a deep breath before he starts to speak.
"I just wanna say what I found in the search bar made me extremely happy...I don't know if you remember but after Vegas I felt so out of place in my own skin that I panicked and looked up the symptoms, and discovered I was in subdrop...I never told you because I didn't think our relationship was deep enough to handle that kind of dynamic at the time, and I didn't want to ask for more than you were willing to give" Shane feels his eyes water, he closes his eyes and takes a deep breath focusing on the feeling of Ilya's body radiating warmth and safety.
"So, I just kept it to myself and kept pushing, then we obviously pulled our heads out of our asses and finally confessed, and I was so happy with what I was being given. You made me so happy that I had completely forgotten about that drop or dynamics until just now because I was being nosy. What I'm trying to say is you've been an amazing Dom to me even before we got our shit together"
Ilya starts to feel his eyes watering at the reassurance that he's a good Dom coming from Shane.
"After Vegas...After I discovered dominant and submissive dynamics. I always had fleeting thoughts to myself like Wow Ilya is such an amazing Dom, I'm so safe and happy, I love my Dom so much, I'm so lucky to have such a good Dom after every one of our encounters.... I don't want you to feel like you were anything less" Shane finishes and by the time he's done he didn't notice that Ilya was crying and he starts to panic afraid he said something wrong.
"N-no Shane I am really happy also I am sorry about Vegas fuck if I could go back in time and punch myself I would" Ilya says dryly laughing at his own joke. Now it's Shane's turn to hug Ilya tightly.
"It's okay you've done more than make up for it," Shane says because it's true. Ilya may not understand just how serious Shane is when he says he had forgotten all about that drop and dynamics, but that's only because Ilya did such an amazing job taking care of him he's been so busy being happy he forgot all about it. Now he's even happier because they can put a label on their dynamic and freely explore it.
"God I hate young Ilya" Ilya groans thinking of the times he skipped proper after care or when he would ghost Shane for months after their encounters.
"Don't say that because I love young Ilya just as much as I love you" Shane scolds, but he has no idea how much ease that brings Ilya. How much peace of mind it gives Ilya to know that Shane loved him regardless of his stupidity and way of handling him when they were younger.
Ilya tightens his hold around Shane and lets out a deep breath. Now that they're older, wiser, and even more in love. They can freely explore all that their love has to offer, and he can't wait for it.