Chapter Text
The pain rippled through his thigh, shallow enough to not bleed, deep enough to still feel, it was calculated and pre-planned. Light refused to ever get caught, he had to be the son he’s always pretended to be, perfect, because respect was conditional despite what everyone would like to believe. If he played everything perfectly he’d be seen as a guy so he played the part , perfect grades, perfect attitude, flat chest, scarless wrist,tears never staining his skin a pink hue. The only places where failure was accepted was where they wouldn’t be seen nor noticed, his ribs damaged from improper binding,his mind rotting meat, his brain cells flies clinging onto it and his Lower hip always cut but not enough to scar. He had deduced after a while that cutting on your wrist was about as sneaky as screaming out loud “I’m hurting myself” loud enough for the whole house to hear while cutting, all that to say it wasn’t effective at all if your main goal isn’t to get caught. Lights time was almost up, he was sitting on the bathroom floor with his pants slightly pulled down so he could cut on his hip using the end of a boxer cutter which he was able to keep in his wallet between two credit cards so even if someone were to look at the inside of his wallet they’d have to be intentionally looking for them to ever find it.
Light was allowed a few minutes of privacy when going to the bathroom, there weren’t even any cameras though there wasn’t a lock on the door either so he had to be quick and careful to not exceed the time he usually spent in the bathroom. Light slipped the end of the box cutter between his cards and closed the wallet, zipping up his pants and shoving the wallet as deep as he could into his pantpocket. It wasn’t enough, he wasn’t done, it didn’t sting but risking it was stupid. He stepped out into the bedroom casually, playing his usual part feigning apathy as L droned on about the case. Light didn’t hate L, he more resented L. L was keeping him here and suspected him for things that he hadn’t done while that annoyed him, the thing that sparked his anger was that L was everything he had ever wanted to be. L was reasonable, rational, L would never cut like Light does, L would never fail in the way Light does, L doesn’t feel that pressure that Light does, L does what he wants, he shows no caution or concern to the stares of people around him. L did not care for perfection, L was fine with people not liking him, Light hated that L had the chance to do that without the repercussions that Light would face if he were to act that way. L can be rude and blunt without anyone petitioning to remove his rights, L could do anything and nobody would question his gender, nobody would misgender him for that because he was born a guy, Light was not.
L was handsome, his hair messy and unkempt in a hot way, his eyebags not hideous like Light’s own, his habits strange but not thought out and painstaking like Lights an L’s voice, oh Kira L’s voice was calming, if Light didn’t have shame he’d ask L to narrate his thoughts just so Light could hear his voice more. Light felt like he was on a ship with the water constantly gupping, going from wanting to be L one minute to wanting L to get shipped off to Denmark the other and wanting to be with L the third minute. Like dancing in a circle on the ground between Norway,Finland and Sweden, crossing the borders every second or three.
“Light are you listening?”
Lights eyes go back in focus as if he put on contact lenses
“Sorry I just spaced out”
“Oh okay, are you tired?”
Nope, not at all.
“Yeah I think I might go to bed now”
“Okay light”
Light layed down in the bed next to L like he always did, he’d grown accustomed to the clacking of L’s keyboard yet he couldn’t sleep. Light still felt the stress pooling in his stomach, the cut wasn't enough, he needed more. He knew that now wasn’t a good time but he needed it.
“L, I’m going to the bathroom to change”
“Okay” L said, unlocking the chain.
Once back in the bathroom Light felt calm, he put the blade up to his hip and he cut down, slow and steady. One,two,three, he felt the pain numb his brain, four five, si- shit, this wasn’t common, Light went a bit too deep, a bit of blood was seeping out. It must have been due to the stress of being almost constantly watched, this wasn’t a big deal, he put the blade on the bathroom sink and looked at the blood gushing out in the mirror, he didn’t know what to do. He put a paper towel over it, the blood seeped through it quickly, he must have been a bit too deep. Time was ticking, it had been ten minutes and he could hear L slowly getting out of bed, probably to check on him. Light threw the bloody paper into the toilet and quickly flushed before pulling up his underwear and returning to the room. L just went up to put his computer away, now Light definitely couldn’t return to the bathroom and he just has to pray to gods he doesn’t believe in that this won’t spread through his underwear into the bedsheets. He threw jeans onto the nightstand before laying down in bed.
“Goodnight, Light”
“Night, L”
Light was fully sure he wouldn’t get any sleep but against the odds he actually seemed to, it was nice until he woke up to L staring straight into him with gray soulless eyes.
“Morning, Light”
“please stop staring at me right when I wake up, it’s considered rude, you know?”
“Is Light doing well mentally?”
No, the fuck do you care for?
“Yeah? Why?”
“Light has seemed a bit reserved lately and has been taking more bathroom breaks”
“Yeah so?” Light could tell that L didn’t believe him.
“Just wanted to make sure my prime suspect was doing okay”
“Whatever you say”
L doesn’t move, still staring at Light. Light eventually remembers how deep he cut the other day and looks down at his boxers. It stained the sheets, that’s why L was acting like this. Light thought quickly and came up with an excuse.
“Ah, sorry I must be on my period”
The only time in Light's life that he has been happy to have had to deal with that shit.
“Light, I’ve been informed that taking testosterone often causes periods to stop happening”
Fuck you.
L continues talking “however it is true that some peoples stick around for longer and some peoples don’t ever disappear”
“Yep”
“But your father hasn’t had to buy home period products for you in about a year so don’t lie to me Light”
Oh hell beneath me… fucking L.
“Uhh um” Light said, not able to get any proper words out, he couldn’t breathe, he wanted to leave but there wasn’t anywhere he could go, the chain was still on.
“Well I don’t know why!”
He tried to drag his legs up but L was sitting on them. He felt his vision getting hazy, but he could not be crying, he hadn’t cried since he was a kid, no it can’t.
“Hey hey it’s okay” L said in his normal monotone voice, Light often wondered if he was capable of speaking with compassion, probably not. L moved forward and put his hand on Light's face to wipe away his tears, it felt warm and it burned.
This was abnormal, this shouldn’t happen. Light shouldn’t let L wipe his tears, Light sure as hell shouldn’t want to be comforted by his enemy, Light should push him away, Light shouldn’t be vulnerable. Light leaned into the touch without meaning to. Light couldn’t hear his loud crying over his thoughts, his thoughts disappointed,loud and screaming for him to run away, to fight, to cover it all up, to lie, to be Yagami. Light started rambling even though he didn’t want to speak.
“I didn’t mean to cut that deep”
Tears running a marathon down his eyes as L wraps his hands around him and hugs him.
“How often do you cut?”
“Every night”
“Okay” L said, his voice wasn’t filled with apathy or disappointment which shocked Light.
“Why do you cut?” L continued, his voice softer than usual.
Light shouldn’t answer.
“It’s all just so hopeless, it’s all too difficult” Light cried out
“What’s too difficult?”
“Being perfect, it’s so frustrating, I’m tired”
“You don’t need to be perfect”
“Yes I do”
“Why?”
“If I’m not then nobody will love me”
“Love shouldn’t be conditional”
Light was full on sobbing, pushing his face into L’s shirt.
“You don’t get it”
“I don’t get what”
“You get respect no matter what you do!”
“That’s because surround myself with people who don’t judge me, Light” “Light you don’t have to be anything, stop putting so much pressure on yourself”
“That’s easy for you to say, nobody ever questions your gender identity when you act up but the second I slightly step out of line it’s different!”
“You shouldn’t surround yourself with people who don’t respect you” L said matter of factly.
“You think I can just cut off all of my family! Just at the drop of a hat? I rely on them for housing and food and everything else? You think I can give that up?”
L was now silent, tracing shapes with his fingers on Lights back. The clock in the background ticked, one second, two seconds, three seconds, four.
“I’m sorry Light”
“What?”
“I’m sorry for not seeing the complexity of your situation”
Light didn’t know how to respond to that, luckily L continued talking just some minutes after.
“Does Light want to sleep? We can talk about his issues in the morning” he gestured to Lights thigh
“Yeah, just don’t tell my dad, please”
“I won’t” “goodnight Light-kun”