Work Text:
—
The wind howled violently, rain poured down, and thunder rumbled loudly in the distance.
Occasionally, lightning would crack through the night sky, illuminating his room for a split second.
He had always found this weather so comforting.
Luka sat upon his bed, motionless, the letters he had written for the past 2 hours splayed out messily. He could never seem to find the right words.
But this was the one.
The guilt was eating him alive. He didn’t want to hurt her anymore, not when she had already lost so very much, but here he is, betraying their promise to be together forever.
It all hurt so badly, enduring nothing but lifelong pain, he simply couldn't hold out any longer. A life of constant doctor's appointments, the medication that barely settled his pain, being called dramatic, over and over again. It’s no life worth living. This is the one thing he could control.
She’ll surely understand, right?
Right..?
He had already prepared the blades, which now lay on the nightstand beside him. Looking at them brought a rush of emotions. He felt utterly pathetic. This feeling was one Luka had grown accustomed to; according to Heperu, he could never do anything right. A 90% on an exam? Well, why wasn’t it 95? Not being able to move out of bed due to the immense fatigue he felt? Well, just take some Tylenol and get over it.
It was a constant cycle.
And it was one that he was done with.
Turning the nob to the bathtub off, the water stilled. Peering into his reflection was like staring into an empty shell. Dark circles corrupted his eyes, his once soft, fluffy blond hair, now brittle and lifeless, and his face, sickly thin and pale. The last couple of weeks, he had been neglecting himself. Eating made him sick.
—
He was scared. So scared.
Slowly undressing, he gingerly stepped into the hot water. He felt the hairs on his skin rise as his body temperature adjusted to the pool of water. He set the blade along the edge of the tub.
He had completed his heartfelt apology to Hyuna, pouring out his emotions in a carefully crafted letter. He carefully laid it on his nightstand, her name written in careful and precise handwriting.
Hot, heavy tears cascaded down his cheeks; he hadn't even noticed that he was crying. And so he began the journey to his freedom. He would take his life into his own hands tonight.
The press of the cold blade to his wrist numbed his thoughts. If he’s gone, he doesn’t have to feel that overwhelming guilt; he won't be the one to deal with the grueling aftermath.
Pressing down slowly, tearing fragile skin, blood dripped down, staining the crystal waters. He pushed on deeper, slicing along his veins. It didn’t hurt; it was almost comforting in a sick, sick way.
_
Hyuna had gotten the news on Monday.
Luka’s body hadn’t been found for 2 days, and the police easily ruled it a suicide.
She hadn’t even noticed that something was wrong. It was normal for him to disappear for days without reaching out; it was usually a flare-up or mental burnout. But this time it wasn’t. It wasn’t, and he’s gone now.
She could never see him again.
It felt like just yesterday that they were sitting at a cafe, laughing and enjoying themselves; how he would always order black coffee because it felt more “sophisticated” as he’d always say. It had been so painfully normal, but there had to have been signs. She could have stopped him had she known.
But it was too late now.
She had lost both her brother and the person whom she had loved so dearly.
—
It was now Thursday. The clock read 4 P.M.
Hyuna had barely moved out of bed these last few days.
She simply lay there scrolling through her photo gallery, 12 years of friendship was shattered. She had always loved to take photos of their every outing; it felt as though all the emotions were preserved in a perfect digital copy.
She’d scroll
and scroll
and scroll
When she would reach the end, she would scroll back up and repeat.
She didn’t know what to do with herself now.
Even the most simplest of tasks felt overwhelming; she hadn’t clocked in at work since Monday, and it felt as if a heavy weight was constantly crushing her. Everything required too much effort.
It all felt pointless.
She had nothing left now.
—
Isaac had agreed to drive her to Luka’s apartment. One last time.
One last time, she wanted to go there.
She remembered the code to his room by heart; it was practically muscle memory after all these years. Opening the familiar weight of the door, she was hit with the faint scent of Luka.
The sweet scent of vanilla, but along with it came the scent of decay.
Everything was still in its normal place. They hadn’t cleaned outside of the room he died in yet.
Luka had always been meticulous about cleanliness. Everything had to be in its assigned place. He had always made sure to clean at least 2 times a week, even if he didn’t feel like it. He had always said that it felt like one of the few things he had control of.
It felt like home to Hyuna.
Moving slowly through the living room area, observing every small detail. The couch that they spent hours watching a bunch of stupid movies on, the faded stain from where he had spilled a drink, the soft, fluffy pillows and blankets that they cuddled up in on cold days. She recorded everything to memory. Nothing was too insignificant.
The kitchen, the place where so many disasters occurred, Luka had always been such a terrible cook. A faint smile reached Hyuna’s lips as she thought of the time when he had forgotten to put water in the pan when he cooked ramen. She still has no idea how he managed that.
And lastly, his bedroom, the place Luka had spent most of his time.
It felt so empty without him.
That's when she saw it, an envelope, neatly propped up on his nightstand lamp.
With her name written on its back.
He had left this…for her.
Gently picking it up as though it were a flame, she ran her fingers softly over it, a part of her almost not wanting to open it, to not disturb its beauty.
Carefully opening it, she lifted the small, folded letter:
My dear Hyuna,
I still remember the first day we met, I was sitting back on a tree by the playground, all of the other kids were running around playing tag, I couldn't keep up with them, so eventually they just left me out. You and Hyunwoo had come up to me. I think that was the first time I had truly felt alive. Just your presence alone did that.
You two were there to play with me every day. You were the only ones who ever seemed to acknowledge me. I think that’s how my love for you began.
Then Hyunwoo died. That day still lies very vividly in my mind. We had fought, he was upset that I took so much of your time away from him. Back then, I didn’t really understand how he had felt. I had thought it was ridiculous and that he was dramatic. I pushed him. When his head had hit the stone, it hadn’t occurred to me the seriousness of the situation. The look you had on your face haunted me until this day. To me, it had felt like a victory, he had always beaten me in our little tussles.
I was so happy that I had finally won.
It wasn’t until I didn’t see him again and when you began to avoid me, that it finally started to sink in. I had killed him. I know you don’t blame me for it now, but it still feels as though I did.
You have always been my guiding light, so sacred, so precious to me. Every moment spent with you has been the best of my life, your reassuring words, your gentle hugs, and the way you had always helped me when I was unable to do something myself. You never treated me like I was worthless, you never treated me like a fragile glass figurine.
I don’t think I can ever put into words just how much I absolutely adore you.
You should hate me for making such a selfish decision.
Forget me, forget me, and live your life, go on without me in thought. Never let this weigh you down. You’ve got so much ahead of you, and I hope you realize that.
I’m sorry,
Luka.
Hyuna hasn’t sobbed this much in years.
Leaning to her side, she falls onto his pillow, burying her face.
It still smells like him.
She hugged the pillow close.