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Today I was walking home with my friend. She was on her phone, I was bored and decided to voice out my thoughts. I didn't think it too much through and said:
-I find it quite hard to read fantasy books if they are very heteronormative, or if there is no diversity. It's like it takes me out of the world the author is trying to build.- And then she responded me:
-Well, I'm not that focused on which characters are queer and which aren't, I do notice when people don't add black characters though. I don't look out for queer character as much because I'm cis and straight myself. But I do think it takes out a bit of the fun of fantasy doesn't it?
The conversation kept going for quite a bit, but that isn't what's important. It's the moment where she said << I'm cis and straight myself >>and then glanced at me. As if she knew, as if she could see through me, and discover all my hidden secrets locked away under a really heavy door. That moment scared me, it was then that I was asking myself if I should tell her. She is not homophobic nor transphobic, but I was still scared. I kept it a secret for so long, it feels wrong to say it aloud. It feels sinful. Was I meant to be born this way? To hate who I am, who I can't be? If God made us perfect, why am I the way I am? Is this divine punishment?
My eyes fill with tears I have not spilled in years for this same reason. I always keep it inside. Maybe if I suppress it hard enough it'll go away. I did not ask for this, I want to be normal. As I write this, if trying to not cry and I'm currently failing. But it's alright, I can just shed a tear or two and stop myself. I can do this.
Some people know I'm transgender, people who knew me when I was younger - because I was more open with my gender identity at the time, and tried to pay no mind to what other people said - this though, was before I came out to my mother. She took it like a joke, she said that it's just my age. Then she told my aunt, who she hates, but somehow she told my family. I feel red, exhausted anger. I'm too tired to stand up for myself, to fight, to make them understand that I was not joking 4 years ago. But no matter what I'll say, no matter what I do they will never take me seriously. It's impossible to try and explain something to people who will cover their ears whenever you say something that makes them uncomfortable. Since then, whenever someone asks me something about myself that scares me I will just deny it.
-Didn't you say in year 9 that you were trans?
-I though you identified as a different gender before?
- So, are you a boy or a girl?
No, I'm sure you must have heard wrong. No, I never said that. I'm something your mind will never be able to comprehend. I'm the union between flesh and consciousness. A painful existence, every moment that I am aware I exist, I wish I could die and be reborn. I wish I could be reborn as a boring, native, cis and straight guy. A selfish wish. I would be ignorant to any problems other people have.
I'm so tired.
I haven't told anyone but lately I felt as if death was following me. I live -thankfully- in a relatively safe area and country. I do not know if this is my body manifesting these feelings I have been repressing so long, or if they are a manifestation of my wish to die soon. I often say I do not want to live long. I guess people really think that it's because I'm afraid of getting older, but in reality, I find it dreadful to live for a long time knowing I will be alone. My family will not talk to me after I transition medically; I have always found it hard to fall in love with someone, in fact I have never fallen in love. And I have always been lonely. Not because I didn't try to make friends or because I was shy. I will kill myself by 32. I do not wish to live more than that. And by then my cat will have died, so I will have no purpose to stay alive.
My 18th birthday is coming closer each year, and my mother is waiting for me to tell her if I have changed my mind. She is impatient. She will make jokes about it. "Wouldn't you want to know what you were in your past life? You were probably a boy" And my eyes will fill with tears, I will wish I could lock myself in the bathroom, get my cutter and paint my skin red to feel some sort of relief. When I came out I got rejected twice -almost thrice-, my mother told me the first time I should never tell anyone I'm trans. I have done just that. I go to a public psychologist which is better that people who don't get help at all. I don't like her though, she tries to be nice but I feel like she treats me like I'm stupid. Whenever she asks me how I am, I tell her I'm better than last time. I never say I'm good or nice. She probably knows I'm hiding something. I want to tell her, truly. Because I know that this secret is making it impossible for me to heal, to move forward. I want to tell her. I know that if I do maybe I'll metamorphose into a new reality, a new skin vessel one I actually feel comfortable with. But I can't do it. It hurts. Everything hurts.
I can't come out to my friends, I can't be comfortable with myself, I have to listen to my stupid classmates making stupid comments about transexuality when they have never maintained a conversation with a trans person. I never fit, I'm never enough.
I'm too short, too blunt, I laugh too much, I'm too serious, I'm too pessimistic, I'm never enough. WILL I EVER BE ENOUGH? WHAT DO I NEED TO DO? WHAT HERCULEAN TASK DO YOU WANT ME TO ACCOMPLISH SO YOU'LL ACCEPT ME?
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I'm not as bad as I used to be. Before I was really depressed and each school year it would be guaranteed that I would cry in class at least ONCE. I have had panic attacks, I have gone to the bathroom with a cutter and band-aids that were too small for my cuts and would overflow with blood. I did not care. I just wanted to stop the blood from soaking through my pants and my mother seeing and questioning me. Not because she would get worried, but because she would get mad at me. She would just mock me again. Because everything I do is not serious enough. Maybe if I cut deep enough she would care.
I wish my family accepted me as I am.
I wish my family was normal.
I wish I was normal.