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Austria stood at the head of his comically large dinner table, definitely too large for the amount of people he had invited over, but whatever. He was fairly certain everyone who was going to arrive had arrived, the only person who wasn't here was France. But that was fine. He was 30 minutes late, so Austria had just assumed he wasn't coming.
Austria cleared his throat, "Thank you everyone for coming to my dinner party. I'm going to play a lovely song on the piano for you all." He then turned around and went over to the piano, that was conveniently placed in the dining room. Right as he placed his fingers on the keys, the doors swung open dramatically.
France burst through the door into Austria's massive house. "It is I!" He sauntered himself over to the table with the entire group before stopping and putting his hands on his hips. He looked and saw that the only chair free was one next to Britain and across from Prussia. He walked over and sat down, saying nothing about how late he is.
"Oh.." Austria mumbled as he watched France come in very dramatically. And very late. He got up from the piano with a sigh and went away to get another plate for France
Austria returned shortly after and placed the plate down in front of France, before taking his own seat next to Britain, across from China. Nobody was saying anything.
France did NOT notice how he was the one who'd made the atmosphere awkward and just began to eat, the rest of them soon followed and all of them were still silently eating.
"So... Which hand do you guys jerk off with? I mean the obvious answer is the left oui? It makes it easier to do other things during."
After a second of silence, "Who the hell starts a conversation like that??" Britain asked, turning his head to look at France in disgust. Jerking off talk was not appropriate dinner talk.
France continued on. "It's an honest question! And if you're responding like that you must be one of those weirdo right-hand jerkeroffers. You're meant to do it like this;" France than began using his left hand to demonstrate, he was really getting into it too, he started imitating the noises as well.
Prussia burst out laughing after France made direct eye contact with him while pretend moaning. "You fucking idiot vhat are you doing?? You get invited to a dinner party and decide to pretend jack off infront of everybody?"
Hearing this France doubled down and kept going faster and faster while getting even louder and smacking the table.
China covered his mouth with his sleeve as he watched France aggressively fake Jack off. "Oh my god!! Why are you doing that!" He snickered.
"This is disgusting. And there is nothing wrong with molesting yourself with your right hand." Britain said, unable to look away from France's lap for some reason.
Germany just stared at the escalating situation. Mildly uncomfortable and also confused on why he continues to chose to spend his time with these countries. He glanced over at Austria who was also just uncomfortably staring.
"You are very odd, France." Germany said mildly.
"No no you guys just aren't getting it! It's the only correct way to masturbate, clearly this brit beside me is too stupid to understand that properly. I'd hope that none of you are as stupid." France slowed the motion but still continued on his demonstration.
"How exactly is this demonstration proving anything?" China asked, leaning over the table slightly to try and get a better look, as if this was going to help.
Britain rolled his eyes and crossed his arms. "Don't listen to him, he's bonkers. There isn't a correct way to do this."
"I have to agree vith Britain. This seems like a pointless argument. It's up to preference." Germany chimed in helpfully.
"Haha! Hear that, bitch?" Britain mocked, grinning at France as if he had won something, "You're embarrassing yourself infront of everybody here!"
France scoffs and rolls his eyes before stopping for a minute. "You idiot- here let me show you." France then grabbed Britains left hand and started moving it over Britain's crotch. "See? Now tell me that isn't more efficient than your right hand."
Prussia fully lost his shit at this point, he was crying and slapping Germany's shoulder. Trying not to fall off of his chair.
"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING???" Britain yelled in extreme distress as France made him move his hand over his crotch. "THIS IS DISGUSTING AND THIS IS NOT PROVING YOUR POINT AT ALL!" He tried very hard to stop France from moving his hand, using his right hand to try and grab France's wrist.
Austria felt a flood of awkwardness hit him. "Do you guys mind having some proper table manners at my dinner party?" He asked, watching the crazy display.
Germany glanced at Prussia, letting him slap his shoulder because what else was he meant to do.
France resisted Britain trying to stop him and just used his other hand to grab Britains right hand and stop him from stopping his clearly superior method. "To hell with manners Austria, you know I'm correct right?"
"You are still yet to explain how you are correct." Austria said with a roll of his eyes.
"Get your hands OFF OF ME!!" Britain yelled, still trying very hard to get France's predator hands off of him. "I will MURDER YOU."
"Hm, based on this demonstration, I'm starting to feel that maybe France is right. Maybe there is a correct hand." China nodded thoughtfully.
France shoved off of Britain and slammed his hands onto the table. "YES!! China you get it! It's so much easier, especially if you have things to do, you can use your right hand to do those things." France leaned back in his chair satisfied. He smacked Britain's shoulder. "See? China agrees with me."
Prussia was in disbelief at this utter fool in front of him, he gave France the foulest expression before picking up some of his food and tossing it at France. "YOU GOD DAMNED IDIOT VHY IS ZIS EVEN SOMETHING YOU'RE MENTIONING? VHAT COULD HAVE POSSIBLY POSSESSED YOU TO ZINK OF ZIS AND SAY IT OUT LOUD!?!?! ITS NOT LIKE YOU'RE A SCHIZO LIKE ZE STUPID ASS NEXT TO YOU!" Prussia was standing from his chair at this point and leering over the table at France.
Germany was getting increasingly annoyed at this. Clearly not as annoyed as Prussia. Who's sudden freak out had rendered him kind of speechless.
"Your argument makes no sense you freak. What's so important that you cannot simply wait until youre done touching yourself to do it?" Britain asked as he tried to regain his composure after being forcefully touched by that freak. He took a second to realise that Prussia had also taken a dig at him. "Hold the telephone, who are you calling a schizophrenic you cuck?"
"Oh shove it vhite boy, if anyone here's a cuck it's you for froggy over zere next to you." Prussia flipped Britain off and slumped back into his chair with his arms crossed.
"W-well you know... Looking at pictures of people..." France looked around nervously.
"I'm not going to continue to engage in this with you." Britain said to Prussia before turning back to France, "Who the HELL are you looking at while you touch yourself?!"
China looked at France expectantly. "Yeah.. who are you looking at? Wouldn't happen to be us, would it?" He tilted his head to the side slightly.
".. Ugh." Germany said with disgust, "You are fucking disgusting, this is extremely innapropiate dinner talk!" He slammed his hand on the table next to his plate, more angry now.
"Yes maybe we should drop the topic, even though i'm right. Austria, why don't you play us a nice song on your piano?" France said, innocently leanings his head towards Austria.
Prussia rolled his eyes and crossed his arms, sighing loudly and dramatically. "I'm done hearing zis bullshit anyvay, please play a damn song Austria."
"If you insist then I guess I must." Austria said as he stood up and went back over to the piano. He was unable to resist the opportunity to play for people, despite how awkward it currently was. He took his seat at the piano and started to play a melody.
"Can't believe we are going to ignore that France is touching himself to photos of someone or people here." Britain slouched slightly in his chair in annoyance, picking at his food.
"Are ve even all zat suprised? Zis seems like typical France behaviour to me." Prussia gestured over to the fag who had his legs crossed and was pretending to be fully distracted by the piano.
"I'm not surprised but that doesn't make it any less weird to hear about! Its almost as strange as his demonstration.." Britain grumbled, side-eyeing France.
"You are the worst at dropping subjects! I am trying to listen to piano man, shh!" China looked at the others and gestured towards Austria.
"Yeah, keep it down ladies. I'm playing. This is much more interesting than an argument over what hand is better to masturbate with." Austria did not stop his playing, although he was mildly annoyed that these idiots continued to interrupt his beautiful playing.