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From the moment I could understand words to now, I've been told some forms of love are abominations. I believed that lie too long for it to be their fault anymore. My mother was disgusted by it, my father enraged. They both claimed it was unnatural and not what god intended of us, men and women are supposed to marry and have kids. Mother often was softer with her explanation, her voice sweet as cinnamon but as corroding as poison, she came off soft by starting with
“Oh, Jesse dear…” she would compare people to salmon to make it simple for my young mind, it was easier to corrupt me that way.
“Salmon only have one purpose, to breed, carry children and die” she would say, she spoke of it like a bedtime story, I nodded along trusting every word she said. I had no say since I was only eight at the time.
“if those salmon decided to be like those people there would be no more salmon”. She would laugh gently to add a hint of warmth so as to not scare me. Her threats were like running already frostbitten hands under cold water, it felt warm and harmless till you took your hands out. My father wasn’t as gentle, he reinforced the idea that if he ever caught me looking at a boy in any romantic way he’d beat me till I’d never ever be able to look at another boy again. He scared me, he scared Mother too. I sometimes got no sleep because of their fighting. I would stay awake counting the seconds between my fathers hits against the wall. one..two.. he hit the wall, one..two..three… he hit it again. Mother would always pretend to drop something to get the vacuum just so she could get away until eventually my father would slam the door and go to bed. If men and women are supposed to love each other, why is it so hard for my parents too?
I never worried about their relationship too much though, when they did fight during the day I would go to the farm. The animals didn’t fight. I especially loved the barn cats there, their names were Barnes and Andy. Barnes was a mangy orange and white striped barn cat, Andy was a clean hissy white cat. My brothers made fun of me for liking the cats because it’s a “girly” thing for a boy to like . I didn't get their teasing. They’re older than me so they must know something I don’t, they’re in college and they’re super smart.
That night when I walked into the barn Andy and Barnes were curled up together on the hay bales.
“Ew! stop that you’re both boys!” I had awakened both of them, I picked up Barnes and moved him on the ground. I pointed my little finger at him in shame.
“You can’t do that! Mom and Dad said you’re supposed to like girls, bad kitties.”
I picked Barnes up again and tucked him under my arm like a football to bring him to one of our empty horse stalls,
“If you two cuddle again, I’m gonna tell mom”
I picked up the hay bail on my way out to continue my work for the day but couldn't resist saying one more thing,
“I'm a boy and I still know better!” I tapped each of them on their little heads gently like my mother would and headed out in a huff, yet dramatically slamming the barn door just like my father. By sunset my mother called me down to eat, she made my favorite apple pie for dessert. The warm cinnamon apples were always great especially during fall. Its orange crust sparkled with the sweet cinnamon, mother always added a little honey on top with it. I sat down and my father ruffled my hair to ask about my day at the barn.
That night while dad was coming to put me to bed I told him about our cats as he tucked me into the sheets. “I caught Barnes and Andy cuddling even though they’re both boys.” I said with a hint of pride, my dad raised an eyebrow, I snuggled closer to the sheets ready for a response
“Really?” He replied with a tone I couldn’t decipher
“Yeah! I moved them away from each other though” I smiled waiting for praise
“Good, you know that wasn’t what god intended, right? It’s unnatural, an abomination. If I ever catch you with a boy you won’t be in my house the next day. Make your mother proud,” my father paused, “be a man.” His eyes didn’t hold any sort of emotion, not love, not pride, not annoyance, just nothing.
My smile faltered not out of fear but because I realized I wasn’t given praise, it’s selfish but I couldn’t care, it’s not like I’d love another boy.
In the morning, I put on my best clothes for Sunday mass, and my mother straightened my tie. I always hated early morning mass, but moms voice snapped me out of my half asleep trace
“Why aren’t you a handsome little thing?” She always knew how to make me happy even on early mornings like this, she pinched my cheek and we walked to the car.
During mass I bowed my little head and clasped together my hands, the rosary digging deep into my palms till its beaded pattern was even remembered by my skin. The choir voices echoed in the large hall, I listened to every word, unknowingly accepting the poison from the snake's fangs. They told me heaven would lock their gates and turn a blind eye if I stepped out of line, if I sinned I wouldn’t be pure. I’ll never be as pure as the others no matter what they say. I'm jealous. If I was pure maybe then dad would praise me if I was like them. So for now I’ll lower my head and pray everyday for god to lift the impurities the priests say I have and redeem myself for a chance of heaven.
Over the years I held up to the same rinse and repeat standards. I never questioned it, I never looked back or dared to open my eyes to the truth, I stayed in this pattern till it was broken when I was seventeen. I sat in church just as usual turning the bible pages lazily till I got bored. I lifted my head just enough to look a few pews in front of me while the pastor was talking, I was barely paying attention anymore, I wasn’t in the first place to even start but who cares.
When I looked up, I stared at the orange stained glass and my eyes fell down to where the gleam was placed upon, all I saw was the perfect light brown hair of Luka Madison, he’d moved to town a few years back when I was fifteen. I’d never really talked to him for long, but he seemed nice enough, although he seemed like a lady chaser.
I think he felt my eyes on him though because he turned around looked me up and down then in the eye, he laughed and stuck out his tongue. I laughed too but maybe a bit too loud because our Pastor glares in our direction only making it harder to keep it in.
After mass Luka approached me,
“Hey, you’re…Jesse..? Right?” He had a nice smile, I started staring by accident I snapped out of it pulling down my hat a bit to cover my face
“Oh! Yeah, yeah Jesse. You’re Luka though? I think I’ve seen you around” I smiled and nodded trying to appear cool, Luka was really cool I wanted to be his friend. I probably seemed like a weird country kid to a nice refined catholic boy like him.
Me and Luka ended up talking till our families had to practically tear us away. We had a lot in common despite our different backgrounds. We agreed to meet again soon. I spent the whole day thinking about where, maybe a restaurant, maybe a walk around town, a secret hiding spot maybe? god I sound like a real creep
“disgusting..” I muttered out loud under my breath. I propped my arm up on the ledge of the car window.
Over the next few weeks me and Luka hung out a lot, we got in trouble together, walked around together, laughed together, it was always fun with him. Once we got to the stage in our friendship that we hung out at each other's houses we went over to Luka’s house. He showed me his room before we went into town so he could get ready. Luka's room was the size of the master bedroom in my house. I kept exploring and checking things out until Luka stepped out,
“Alright, is this good?” I looked back, Luka was wearing a pink polo and I bursted out laughing.
“Luka! What are you some weirdo? Haha” Luka started laughing too,
“I know, I know, I’m joking it’s my sister’s” he exclaimed with a bright smile, he was my best friend I thought. Despite our laughing though my eyes softened ever so slightly, he didn’t look bad in pink. After messing around town and terrorizing a few of the younger kids around, we walked to my house so I could show Luka something I’ve been wanting to show him for quite some time. We walked slowly down the sidewalk letting the falling leaves weave across us onto the road.
“You know I normally hate the color orange but in the fall I guess it’s nice” I said while purposefully trying to step on the crunchiest leaf.
“Why orange? It’s a very comfy color I think, whatever that means” Luka laughed warmly. I caught myself staring a bit too long at him again.
“Oh I’ve just never seen it like that I guess, it reminds me of pill bottles, it’s just a weird color to me I don't know”
“Pill bottles?” Luka stopped walking to cover his face as he laughed
“Hey! It’s weird but it’s not so weird that you have to laugh”
“Yeah whatever you say Jess, just don’t be a pharmacist” Luka laughed to himself and started walking again but with a permanent warm smile.
That night I brought him to my home and showed him the big field that during this fall season was especially beautiful with the sunset over the horizon, the sun made the light yellow wheat burn orange. Luka laid down twisting pieces of wheat between his fingers, eventually bringing a shorter piece to his mouth to chew. I stayed sitting up watching the falling leaves.
“You gonna keep blocking my sun Jess?” Luka laughed pulling the piece of wheat out of his mouth
“I dunno, can't you share?” I smiled down at him gently staring deeply into his eyes. Luka smiled back, wrapped his arms around my waist and tackled me. The orange light slid across our smiles and every movement persevering our youth in an everlasting hue we were sure to remember.
“Hey! What the hell!” I couldn't hold back my laugh anymore, I laughed with Luka till my breath ran out and my throat fell sore. I held onto him till my fingers grew weak from laughter. After our long laughing fit was over for the time being, we both laid in the field looking up at the appearing stars. We talked for hours, Luka could make a really good impression of the pastor when he yelled at us, I was laughing so hard I cried multiple times again. Luka had a way of making me laugh like no one else, not my friends, not by brothers, not even a girl. He was really something. Luka spoke up while lying down with me.
“If you were a girl you know” he turned to lay on his side in the grass, “I think I’d have fallen in love quite some time ago” he smiled not knowing the weight of his words,
“Is that your way of saying you're gay?” I joked
“Ew! Haha what the hell, what do you take me for?” Luka laughed back. He got up, I stared at the imprint he left in the grass and I thought to myself, what if I was a girl, how would our life be different.
Our whole summer we hung out around town together, we played cards on the older boy’s porches, raced the younger kids for money and told jokes only we got.
One time after midnight Luka said he had a surprise, I climbed out my window to follow him, Luka grabbed my forearm gently yet firmly and dragged me off.
“Cmon I wanna show you a place, I’ve never shown anyone else it” he smiled back at me as we walked, his smile as warm as the sun in July and as radiant as the moon over a lake.
He brought me to the chapel we went every weekend to,
“Luka, I’ve gone here every weekend of my life. It’s not secret haha,”
“I don’t wanna show you the church dummy” Luka pointed to the bell tower, “I wanted to show you that” Now, I’d never been to the bell tower. It was a prohibited place for the kids. Only some of the older men of the town could go up there to take care of the bell and ring it.
“Really? Can we go up?” I was very excited for this chance still
“Yeah cmon I have the keys” Luka was already walking to unlock the door. As we approached the top of the bell tower me and Luka sat on the edge of the building overlooking the town with the view of the moon in front of us
“The moon looks beautiful tonight” Luka muttered,
“Yeah, full moon” I smiled under my breath while watching my cold breath rise up into the sky. Luka turned to me and I met his eyes.
“I’ve never shown anyone this spot before, you know that Jess?” Lukas eyes reflected the moon back perfectly,
“Yeah…I know” my brain was so caught up in his eyes that my heart took control in the meantime, I softly took Luka’s hand intertwining our fingers together. The world faded slightly as Luka went silent to look down at our hands together. The only thing I could think of was “I must really be special to him.” the words echoed in my mind as every other thought was cleared, maybe for the worst though
“What are you doing Jesse…?” Despite Luka’s words he leaned closer,
“I don’t..I don’t know, I’m sorry I’m being weird I’m acting like a-“ Luka kissed me, his hands on either side of my head, he pushed me back against the wall of the bell tower. My world started to fill with dread, a slow thumb sound filled the silence instead of the racing heart that I was promised to find once I fell in love. I felt dirty, the kiss was fine…but I closed my eyes tightly and pretended Luka was a girl. This was wrong, right..? Luka started to speak quietly from the small parted space between our lips
“God..I wish you were a girl..” I froze, We were both straight, we both were religious, I knew I wasn't like those people my father warned me about..but that still hurt. I opened my eyes slowly as Luka pulled away, we both stared at each other not knowing what we had both done, nor if we wanted more. My mind raced with ideas of what would happen if anyone found out.
“Luka-” he cut me off, Luka looked disgusted with himself
“Never speak of this to anyone. I’m not like that, neither are you.” He said coldly, I’ve never heard Luka speak like this so I felt objected to agree
“Yeah…yeah never happened” I looked down in conflict with myself. My fingers found my way to my lips, I slowly swiped my thumb along my bottom lip trying to erase this moment already.
We never spoke of that night again but there was now a divide between us, conversations were short and awkward. Luka now made excuses to not hang out, he barely looked at me anymore. But it’s not like he was the only one, I ignored him too, I was ashamed of myself for letting him even so much as look at me with too much love. The morning after I found myself in the cool winter air on my way to confession, the town was quiet with only the isolating sound of my shoes along the concrete. My feet then met the tile floors of the church echoing silently. The faint smell of smoke from the lit candles followed me to the booth where I kneeled.
“Forgive me father for I have sinned” I whispered while focusing on the pattern of the stained glass so as to not tear up. The priest's voice carried over the cheap wooden partition in the room.
“When was your last confession my child?” He said softly
“Three months ago, I’ve been busy, I’m sorry father,”
‘What do you need to confess?”
I froze, I didn't know how to confess this. Would he yell? Shut me out? Cross me and tell my parents? Before I could think I opened my mouth
“I..I've been having thoughts I shouldn't have” The priest laughed gently,
“About a girl?”
“No..” my short answer cut deeper than any blade, the priest went quiet before deciding on his words.
“You are young, the devil will try to take hold of that vulnerability.” he paused again,
“You can be forgiven if you cut this tree's roots before it spreads.” he said the last part sourly, letting his real thoughts take over for merely a second. My eyes found their way back to the ground, the church went silent once more, the only sound being the flicker of the orange flame that diminished by the second. I wanted to ask what would happen to me if that tree was already too big to cut down but I did not dare talk back.
“Yes father, thank you.” I muttered. I got up and stood there for a second staring at the orange flame from the candle in the corner of the room, I licked my finger and extinguished it. I kneeled at the pews and started praying for my sins but also for me to be normal once again. As I walked out of the church my face lit up orange from the light shining through the stained glass, the light glared down on me blindingly yet I never covered it with my hand. I walked out and never spoke of this again.
One night at the barn, Luka appeared after a month of no contact. I was feeding the pigs for the night when he slid the door open.
“Jesse? Are you there?” I wiped around eyes locked on him
“What the hell are you doing here” I looked around to make sure my father wouldn’t be walking up just in case
“I wanted to apologize” Luka muttered, I'd never heard Luka apologize ever, he normally made others apologize for stuff he did if anything. I gazed down at the ground.
“Why’d you do it?” I said coldly
“It just felt right in the moment-“ I cut him off overwhelmed with rage
“It just felt right? Am I a joke to you? You know what I don't even know what I expected from a sad freak like you, you're disgusting!” I’d never screamed at anyone before, this enraged Luka.
“So I'm the freak now? Don’t act like you didn't pretend with me too, I saw how you looked at me. I saw every gaze, every twitch of your hand when you wanted to reach out and touch me!” I grabbed Luka by the collar and pulled him close,
“You know I wish I never met you, I could’ve spent a lot more time with a nice girl than a worthless hunk of flesh like you, could’ve actually had someone nice ‘round me.” Luka pushed me off with a lot of strength after I said that
“Then go ahead and forget about me! At least I know I’m into girls like I’m supposed to be.” Luka’s voice broke as he progressively got more emotional
“But maybe you’re right I don’t even know why I thought to waste the best years of my life on you when there’s a girl out there waiting for me” Luka pushed me off with one final shove and left slamming the barn’s sliding door shut. I lowered myself to the ground, and took my hat off to cover my crying face. I’d lost the only person who ever understood me fully, I regretted every word already.
I thought I got over it quickly after that night, but a few months later outside Luka’s house there were moving cars and boxes in the middle of November. Was he leaving because of me? No, no I didn’t mean this. I don’t care about our argument anymore, I don’t want him gone. I returned home and cried silently that night so my parents wouldn’t scold me,
The next morning my family got dressed to give them a parting gift and say goodbye. I held a basket with a few things inside. Two bottles of nice wine, a bible, and a parting card. The wine labels were a nice shade of orange, Luka’s favorite color. I looked down at it with disdain wanting nothing more than to break it under my own foot. How could I hate a man as much as I love him?
When we arrived at his house, Luka’s parents first came out with smiles as bright as Luka’s were, they thanked me and my family generously for the gift, but my eyes drifted to Luka tuning out their voices as I stared at him packing the last of their things away. Without thinking I ran up to him despite everyone watching now. I dropped to my knees now freely letting my tears fall, I was definitely gonna get beaten for this..
“LUKA, please don't leave I can’t live without you please stop” I looked down grabbing at his jeans, my teardrops staining them.
“Get the hell off me Jesse.” Luka’s voice was devoid of any kindness or compassion like before.
“I’m not one of those people,” he kicked me off jabbing me in the stomach it hurt but I didn’t stop, I grabbed his pant leg again
“Please stop, we could have a good life together, Luka please you know you love me..” I begged
“I never loved you, you were always an obstacle it just to long for me to realize” my father finally reacted among the small stunned crowd
“Jesse what is the meaning of this, I didn’t raise you to be a freak!” My father walked up and slapped me,
“I thought I taught you better as my son! You are a man, not whatever this is!”
My father dragged me back home where I was beaten black and blue, thank god I didn’t remember most of it. I looked in the mirror, my eyes bloodshot and puffy, my face cut up. I had a blossoming black eye, the middle was purple and the outer rims were an orange tint reminding me of the person who caused this. The color orange was a quiet mockery now, I always hated it anyway.
Weeks turned into months, then into years. My family disowned me when I turned eighteen and I was left to fend for myself. I always remembered Luka in the back of my mind, and I would wonder how my life would be if I never met him, if we stayed friends, if we never fought. It was so hard to forget him, I stopped going out in the early mornings to avoid the warm rising orange sun that reminded me of his smile. I started drinking my coffee black so I wouldn’t be reminded of his light brown eyes. My fields grew tall so I never was reminded of his imprint in the grass. I stopped going to church to avoid seeing the bell tower where it all went wrong.
It never got better though, I stayed up every night rehearsing the lines I’d say to Luka if I saw him again. How I’d apologize and beg him to be at least friends again, how I’d cry so much I’d make the Nile look like a small puddle.
That day finally came nine years later, New York, December 23rd, I was walking around without a thought as normal, no family plans for Christmas. I was smoking leaning against the railing on the busy bridge overlooking a part of Times Square. I was staring at the grand Christmas tree hung up with all the happy families doing their Christmas shopping without a care. The tree was decorated with orange lights that flashed mockingly at me, I stubbed out my cigarette with a sigh and turned to walk away when I saw him.
Luka, just as beautiful as before. My eyes looked up at him and then met his. I walked towards him in disbelief until I stopped dead in my tracks when a woman holding a little girl approached him. Luka picked up the little girl and kissed the woman’s cheek. He’d moved on. I worked up the courage to approach him.
“Luka! Hey, Luka!” I stood in front of him with a small smile hoping maybe he had also moved past our old argument. Luka turned but didn’t respond.
“Luka it’s me, nice to-“
“Do I know you?” He cut me off, his voice was steady as if he wasn't lying. Had he truly forgotten?
“It’s me, Jesse, Jesse Rodman?”
“Sorry I don’t have any spare change” Luka turned to leave,
“Wait! Luka, stop joking around, you know me!” The crowd covered my voice, I reached out for Luka’s fading shoulder.
“I told you I don’t know Jesse, freak.” He sneered, he took the woman by the hand still holding the little girl and disappeared into the crowd. I fell to my knees blinking silently and staring at the ground where he stood. The crowd swallowed him and just like that, like he was never there. It replayed over and over in my head the moment he faded for the last time.
I didn't cry at first, I took one shaky breath and got up slowly after a minute and a collection of weird stares from passerbys. I walked slowly along the sidewalk in the opposite direction of Luka and I passed by a bakery. I stopped not to look at the sweets but rather the disheveled man in the reflection of the glass. Messy stubble, eye bags, dark spots, nothing like Luka. I truly am pathetic. My hand found its way to my cheek where I pinched the skin hard enough to leave a mark from my nail, I prayed silently I would wake up.
My mind slowly drifted back to Luka, I couldn’t believe it, I’d waited so long and for what. I went home sobbing like a pitiful little kid and made a decision I never would’ve made in the right state of mind. I cried my way into my apartment and all the way into the bathroom where I threw open every cabinet searching,
The color orange was never appealing to me, I never liked its glare in the sunset, or its shade in a carpet. But tonight, as I look at the orange bottle of pills in my hand it nearly calls me to its presence. I see clearly the beauty of the color, I taste the orange hanging clementine in a spring orchard. I see the orange hue of the lake when it shines with the last light of the day as the stars take over the sky. I smell the warm orange cinnamon in the apple pies my mother would make for dinner. I feel the warm orange flame stirring in my chest from my racing heart.
I took them slowly one by one till there were no more, no other thought crossed my mind in the process except how it was like communion all over again. I leaned against the tub of my dingy little apartment and lit a cigarette, the orange hue of the flame shining against the pores on my face in the dim room. The feeling of the cold tiles under my thighs started to numb away as I lost consciousness. My fingers went limp as I dropped the burnt end of the cigarette.
I looked out the window and stared at the orange sunset, every last thought filled with Luka’s face, his smile, his eyes. I thought of him till my eyes clouded over with an orange haze from the glaring sun.
“I wish I never loved that boy” I whispered under my breath.
I joined my hands together weakly in one last prayer, the golden orange sunset blessing my hands in an everlasting hue. I muttered under my breath until I no longer could, but there was no voice to answer. Heaven has no tongue left for me.