Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

If you looked up the word drummer in the dictionary, it's quite possible that you would find a picture of Spencer Agnew in place of a definition. And it probably wouldn't be a very good picture, but it would get the point across well enough: curly brown hair slightly disheveled, effortlessly cool in jeans and a T-shirt, and idly spinning a drumstick in his hand while attempting to bury his general air of apathy.

The whole burying his apathy thing was going pretty well at the moment, since he'd just been told something that he didn't like in the slightest.

"What do you mean you found someone to replace Alex?" Spencer asked.

The lead singer and rhythm guitarist of Selfish Guarantees, Damien Haas, glanced over at Spencer, who was sitting behind his drum kit. Damien shrugged, running a hand through his vividly purple hair.

"Thought my statement was fairly clear, bud. I talked to a friend of mine, and he's willing to join up as lead guitar in place of Alex."

Spencer scoffed and turned his attention to the other band member in the room, Tommy Bowe, bassist of Selfish Guarantees.

"Did you already know? Or were you shut out too?"

Tommy looked up, long legs propped up on the couch and trying to tune his bass while also tuning Damien and Spencer out.

"Spence, I don't think it's a big deal. We obviously need somebody if we're going to keep playing. And we want to keep playing, right?"

Spencer looked at Damien and then back at Tommy. Of course Spencer wanted to keep playing. This was the best thing he had going for him. Not that he would ever admit it.

"Yes, I want to keep playing," Spencer mumbled.

Damien folded his arms across his chest, and Spencer could tell that his immediate push-back about the lead guitarist situation had made Damien anxious. A small spark of guilt burned in Spencer's gut, and he cleared his throat before trying to soothe Damien's worry.

"Look, forget I said anything. I just really miss Alex. Jamming with him, with all four of us, was my favorite thing on the planet. And I'm worried it won't feel like that with somebody new."

"We all miss Alex," Tommy said quietly. The four of them had started Selfish Guarantees together while they were still in high school. Alex's quick departure had brought all band activities to an abrupt halt, and practices had morphed into aimless hangout sessions.

Damien nodded. "I know how you feel Spencer. It really, really sucks that Alex had to move away to take care of all his family stuff, but that's just…life. And anyway, it doesn't need to be exactly how it was before. Maybe the vibe change will be good for us and help us grow as artists."

Damien said the last bit while making quotation marks with his hands. Spencer laughed, trying to shake off the feeling of apprehension this whole thing had given him.

Maybe it would be good.

"So, you still haven't said who this mystery friend of yours is. I thought we knew all of your friends because we're here in the room with you. Well, minus Alex," Tommy pried, a familiar teasing lilt to his voice. He looked knowingly at Damien, and Spencer watched as a slight blush crept over Damien's features.

"I knew him before I moved out here and met you guys. Now he's here too and just looking to play music somewhere. Figured it was a stars aligning kind of moment, so I asked him if he'd be interested in joining the band. He seemed super enthusiastic at least."

Spencer stood up from his seat and stretched, rolling his neck and hearing a few pops and cracks before sitting back down.

"So, when do we meet this mystery guitarist?" he asked.

"Does now work?"

Everyone's attention turned toward the sound of a new and unfamiliar voice.

Standing in the doorway of their rented practice space was a blonde-haired, blue-eyed man with chiseled features and muscle to spare. He wore a white T-shirt with the word Brutal on it in cutesy font, along with a rainbow and some clouds, and a faded pair of black jeans. His guitar bag was slung around his back.

For a split second, Spencer couldn't breathe. For the short amount of time he'd had to imagine what their new lead guitarist would look like, this hunk of a guy surpassed every expectation.

Damien instantly grinned and walked over to the still mysterious guitarist, pulling him in for a bro hug.

"Hey man, glad you could make it! Believe it or not, we were just talking about you."

The man smiled, and Spencer hadn't thought it could get worse, but it did. His smile was just as pretty as he was. Damien motioned toward where everyone was set up, and the mystery man followed.

"So, guys, I'd like you to meet my friend, Shayne Topp, the hopefully new lead guitarist of Selfish Guarantees."

Shayne smiled sheepishly. "Hopefully, yeah."

Damien gestured over at Tommy who was still sitting on the couch. "This is our bassist, Tommy Bowe."

Tommy smiled politely and gave a little wave, and Shayne awkwardly waved back.

Which meant—

"And last, but certainly not least," Damien continued, now gesturing toward Spencer, "this is our drummer, Spencer Agnew."

The air of apathy that Spencer had wanted to bury early on in this conversation suddenly returned, now cranked all the way up to eleven. Hey, the best offense is a good defense, right?

"Hey man. You better be ready to play, because we've got a lot of work to do."

Even as the words left his mouth, his body betrayed him by extending his arm toward Shayne, offering him a handshake.

Shayne smiled again, grabbing Spencer's hand and firmly shaking it.

"Challenge accepted. I'm definitely ready."

Spencer smiled slightly. More body betrayal.

Damien clapped his hands, which instantly got everyone's attention.

"Okay, meet and greet over. It's time to teach Shayne a thing or two about Selfish Guarantees songs."

~

Spencer had to admit, Shayne could play the guitar pretty damn well.

Damien started by giving Shayne a quick run-through of one of their more popular songs, which Shayne pieced together with ease. When they gave it a try with the whole band, it sounded a little rough around the edges, but for a first attempt it honestly could've been much worse.

They ran through it a few more times. Each take sounded cleaner and cleaner, but whenever they finished playing, Spencer felt Alex's absence even more. This particular song was one that the whole band had written together, so it almost felt wrong to play it without Alex there.

"One more time, yeah? Unless we're all sick to death of it now." Damien idly strummed his guitar and glanced around in an attempt to read the room.

Shayne nodded. "I'll take all the practice I can get, obviously."

"I don't have anywhere else to be," Tommy added, his hands on the back of his head, lightly scratching through his bleached blonde hair.

Everybody looked at Spencer then, waiting for his answer. He shrugged, because there really wasn't a good reason for resistance.

"Let's roll."

Spencer began with the intro beat once more. Damien, Shayne, and Tommy played their starting notes in unison. The initial buildup grew and grew until Spencer's drum fills dropped them into the main thread of the song.

He didn't want to admit it, but something about this take clicked in Spencer's mind, like one single puzzle piece finding its home amidst the disarray.

Maybe this wouldn't be so bad. Maybe.

They decided to call it for the night after that and pick it up again tomorrow afternoon. Shayne still had a lot of ground to cover, and everyone else was adjusting to and working around his style of playing.

Shayne had his guitar bag slung across his back again and turned around to wave before he left, a huge grin on his face. "Good night, guys. It was really great meeting you and playing with you. I'm excited to do more of it."

He pointed at Damien. "I'll text you later, man."

"Sounds good, see you tomorrow," Damien said, waving back.

The door shut behind Shayne, and the remaining three looked at each other.

"Well, now that he's gone, let's talk about him behind his back," Tommy stage-whispered, a goofy grin on his face.

Damien laughed. "Let's. So, what do you think?"

Tommy nodded, smile softening as he considered his opinion. "I like him. I think it's gonna be good."

Spencer still hadn't stood up from his drum kit, a vice-like grip on the drumsticks sitting in his lap. There were so many thoughts in his head right now, and he prayed that Damien and Tommy weren't able to read that on his face.

Shayne was definitely talented. He obviously had a good ear for music since he was able to more or less play the song they'd practiced after only a few hours. And Spencer couldn't deny that Shayne's vibes were…good. The chance of him fitting in with the rest of them was looking more and more likely.

That didn't mean Spencer had to like it though. Or admit to it.

"Earth to Spence. You in there?" Tommy asked.

Spencer blinked, then shrugged in the most non-committal way possible.

"It could work. Maybe."

Damien rolled his eyes. "And that's the best we're gonna get out of him, folks. For what it's worth, I appreciate you at least giving Shayne a chance."

Spencer stood up, stretched, and walked over to where his backpack sat next to the couch. "No problem. Sorry again about being an ass earlier. This is all just…"

He collapsed onto the couch instead, even though he knew he should be getting ready to leave. He sighed.

"It's a lot."

Tommy sat next to him, placing a hand on his shoulder and gently squeezing. "It is a lot, but it's also important to give things a fair shot."

Spencer nodded, giving Tommy a slight smile.

"I know."

"Sorry, uh, while I agree with everything that's being said here," Damien said, clearing his throat, "we also need to think about what other songs we want to get under Shayne's belt off rip."

Damien and Tommy started throwing out suggestions from the band's repertoire. The three of them decided on a few to start, songs that had been more popular during their last round of venue-hopping.

Damien seemed lost in thought for a moment before perking up, like he'd had a sudden revelation. "Spencer, what about Shake Me Down?"

Spencer froze. He felt heat crawling up his skin, a gaping pit opening up in his stomach. An attempt was made to calm this sudden rush of emotions before Spencer met Damien's gaze.

"What about it?"

Damien raised an eyebrow and shifted uncomfortably on the stool he was perched on. "It's another option, that's all I'm saying."

Spencer shook his head, too much and too vigorously.

"Not yet, man. I trusted the two of you and Alex with it because I've known you for so long. I just need more time with this whole…situation. And if—when we teach it to Shayne, maybe we'll just leave out the part where I wrote it."

"Fair enough," Damien said quietly.

Spencer scooped up his backpack off of the floor and headed to the exit. He needed a cigarette. He needed some time to himself.

"See you tomorrow," he called over his shoulder, pushing open the door.

~

It was the next day and Spencer pulled into the parking lot with a few minutes to spare. He got out and leaned against the side of his car, digging out a crumpled pack of cigarettes from a pocket in his jean jacket. He lifted the pack to his mouth, grabbed a cigarette between his teeth, and pulled it out. Shoving the pack back into its home pocket, Spencer now had to find his lighter. He patted down all the other pockets of his jacket, letting out a noise of frustration when he realized his lighter wasn't in any of them. Time to check his pants pockets.

Nope. No lighter. Spencer took the cigarette out of his mouth.

"Are you actually kidding me…"

He opened the car door and looked around inside, irritation and anxiety growing by the second. All he'd wanted was a cigarette before practice.

"Aha! There you are, you little bastard."

Spencer grabbed the lighter out of one of his cup holders and stood up, only to immediately lock eyes with Shayne, who had just gotten out of what looked like a full-size passenger van. Apparently, in his desperation to find his lighter, he hadn't heard Shayne drive up.

"Hey Spencer," Shayne greeted him, a slight smile on his face.

"Oh. Uh, hey dude." Spencer's brain kicked back on, and he resumed what he'd originally been trying to do in the first place. Only now he went around to the back of his car and leaned against the trunk. He took the cigarette between his lips again, lit it once his lighter decided to cooperate, and inhaled deeply.

He pretended to be very disinterested in whatever Shayne was doing, but Spencer could see him moving around in his peripheral vision, heard a door opening, some rustling, and then a door closing.

"Wouldn't have guessed you were a smoker," Shayne said, his voice quiet enough that Spencer assumed he had hesitated to say anything at all.

Spencer took another drag and looked over at him, exhaling the smoke from his lungs. Shayne's guitar bag casually hung off of his shoulder.

"Yeah, zero out of ten. Do not recommend." He lifted his chin, gesturing toward the van. "Wouldn't have guessed you drove a big-ass van."

Shayne chuckled. "Normally I don't. Damien mentioned that he'd been wanting an easier way to haul equipment around when you guys were out on the road, and I know somebody who knows somebody, so now…Selfish Guarantees has a big-ass van."

Shayne grinned, obviously very happy with himself that he could already prove his usefulness to the band.

Spencer stubbed his cigarette out on the bumper of his car and ran a hand through his hair. The van would be really useful for getting equipment from Point A to Point B, especially his drum kit. The band had made do with what they had before, packing all of their cars to the brim with instruments and cables and speakers. Spencer looked at the van again and nodded.

"Cool. Ready to practice?"

Shayne's grin faded a little but didn't disappear completely. "I am."

Spencer walked to the front of his car and opened the door again, reaching for his backpack. Shayne waited for him, so the two of them walked together toward the building that held the band's modest rental space.

"Nice jacket by the way," Shayne added, looking straight ahead.

Spencer glanced at him, checking to see if Shayne was being serious or razzing him. He had a perfectly placid look on his face, so Spencer tried to take the compliment.

"Oh. Thanks."

~

Spencer stripped off that jacket and threw it on the floor behind him. They hadn't practiced this intensely in a long time. It almost reminded Spencer of the early days, when he, Damien, Tommy, and Alex were younger and dumber and just trying to figure stuff out in Damien's parents' garage.

It felt like playing just for the sake of playing.

He reached up and wiped away the sweat from his forehead. "My kingdom for a bottle of water?"

"You're lucky I'm always prepared," Damien began, shuffling over to their small mini fridge and pulling out a water bottle, "since you never seem to be."

Damien handed the bottle to Shayne, who offered it up to Spencer. He took it from him and nodded.

"Thanks. And Damien—it's because I know you'll always be prepared to take care of my dumb ass." Spencer grinned, taking the cap off of the bottle and drinking a few big gulps.

"I'm also on that short list of people who take care of your dumb ass, you know?" Tommy added, giving Spencer an annoyed look that would normally wither the average person, but Spencer was used to it after all these years.

"Chill out man…yes, you too."

Shayne cleared his throat. "Break? Or keep going?"

Damien took his phone from his back pocket, his eyes widening as he read the screen. "Break, because I have potential news that we'll all need to discuss. And it'll probably determine what we're going to do for the rest of practice. Give me just a second…" His voice drifted away as he stared at his phone and began typing like mad.

"Okay," Spencer mumbled, taking off his glasses and making a futile attempt to clean them with his shirt. Once they were back on, he saw that Tommy had moved over to the band couch and sat on one side of it. Looking over at Spencer, Tommy slapped the cushion next to him.

"C'mon," Tommy said, "break means no sitting behind the drums."

Spencer rolled his eyes. "If I must."

He got up and walked over, plopping down unceremoniously next to Tommy. He leaned his head against the back of the couch, closed his eyes, and waited for Damien to share whatever news he had.

"Mind if I…?"

That was Shayne's voice, and it sounded like he was standing right next to Spencer.

"Go ahead—the more, the merrier."

And that was Tommy.

The couch sank down on the other side of Spencer. He didn't want to open his eyes yet. He'd already been trying to keep his distance from Shayne in every way imaginable, but now he was sitting right next to Spencer and he could feel it somehow even though they weren't actually touching. Spencer took a deep breath in an attempt to clear his thoughts and pretend like he was relaxing, but all that did was make him keenly aware of whatever cologne Shayne was wearing. Really clean smelling, some kind of citrus too, and—

Why was Spencer even focusing on this? And why hadn't Damien started talking yet?

Spencer lifted his head and stretched his neck a little, finally opening his eyes.

"Did we lose you, Damien?" Spencer's voice cracked on the first word and he hated it, clearing his throat once he was done with his question. Damien was somehow still buried in his phone.

"Probably," Shayne said, almost under his breath.

Spencer glimpsed over at him and wished that he hadn't. Shayne was looking at Damien with a fond smile on his face—a smile that made Spencer remember that being Damien's friend was how Shayne even wound up here in the first place. Shayne must have felt Spencer's gaze on him, because he blinked and then he was looking at Spencer, fond smile still on his face.

Spencer's heart stuttered slightly, and he looked away.

Damien looked up. "What?"

"News? We're taking a break because you said you had news," Tommy reminded him.

"Oh! Right. Okay. So. News. I've been texting Ian—Tommy, Spencer, you remember Ian?" Damien started pacing around a bit.

Tommy laughed. "The goofy guy who owns Smosh Pit? How could we forget?"

"Well," Damien continued, "I told him that there was a slight shake-up with the band and it would be nice to have somewhere kind of safe and familiar for us to play, just to get our feet back under us again."

Spencer felt Shayne awkwardly shift around next to him.

"So then Ian gave me some dates that had openings and told me to just pick one and he'd definitely book us!" Damien grinned, bright and infectious, and Spencer couldn't stop himself from smiling too.

"Wow, full circle," Spencer said, his voice quiet. He looked over at Tommy, who nodded in agreement.

"A little nostalgic, even?" Tommy quipped.

"What makes it nostalgic?" Shayne asked, sitting forward on the couch a little and looking to both Spencer and Tommy for an answer.

Spencer felt a flash of pity for him—when he wasn't learning their songs, Shayne was definitely the odd man out among them, often getting sidelined during conversations. But the feeling came and went. Even if Shayne was an old friend of Damien's, it would still take some time for Spencer to adjust to this new person inserting himself into something that meant so much to him. Even if that person happened to be gorgeous. Even if his presence seemed to throw Spencer off-kilter in more ways than one.

Thankfully, Tommy was kind enough to explain their history with Smosh Pit to Shayne.

"Smosh Pit is the first real club we ever played at—as in they charge money, they serve drinks. It's an actual building, and not just the backyard of somebody's house party or some makeshift stage built for indie concerts off to the side of an apartment complex."

"Oh, and they pay us. The house parties and indie concerts were always a crapshoot in that regard," Spencer added, ignoring the fact that he hadn't wanted to participate in this part of the conversation to begin with.

"Ian was the first person to give us an actual chance. So I—we owe him a lot." Damien walked over to the couch, then looked back at his phone. "Let's look at our options and settle on a date. Then, back to the grind."

~

The date of their comeback show was still a week away, but Selfish Guarantees practiced every single night like they would be performing tomorrow. Spencer felt exhausted most of the time, yet he couldn't deny the small part of his brain that felt proud of the fact that his arms and legs ached, that he barely functioned throughout the day just so he could feel awake and alive by night. But since scheduling the gig and starting to practice like mad, Spencer had developed a slightly annoying and inconvenient ritual.

Every night he'd pull into the parking lot, turn off his car, and get out to have a cigarette before he went inside. That wasn't the annoying or inconvenient part, though. Like clockwork, within a minute of him walking to the back of his car and lighting up, Shayne would show up. Then he'd get out of his car, grab his guitar, and pause to say something, anything to Spencer. Usually it was just a friendly greeting, but other times Shayne would try to make small talk.

Spencer had no issue with saying hello to Shayne or even making small talk, depending on the subject. But he always kept everything direct and to the point, and eventually Shayne would either stop talking and wait for Spencer to finish his cigarette, or go inside without him.

Spencer could change what time he showed up for practice. He could wait until later in the evening to have a cigarette. But instead, he found himself doing the same thing night after night.

And tonight wasn't any different. Just as Spencer parked his car, he heard his phone vibrate from where it sat in one of the cup holders. He picked it up and checked his notifications. Damien had sent him a text even though they would see each other in a matter of minutes.

Damien: Hey man, is it okay if we practice Shake Me Down tonight?

Spencer stared at the screen and read the words again and again.

Logically, Spencer knew that it was the smart thing to do. Shayne picked up songs pretty fast, and the ones they hadn't shown him yet were either not very popular at shows or still in a weird, experimental phase. This song that Spencer wrote didn't really fall into either of those categories—the band had come up with all of their parts, figured out how those parts fit together, and their performance of it had been pretty solid in the past.

They hadn't played it at shows because Spencer didn't want them to. It was the most raw and personal thing that Spencer had ever created. Even though the crowd would never know, the idea of playing it live in front of them made Spencer feel flayed open, shields completely gone.

Spencer huffed a derisive laugh at himself. He really needed to get over this feeling if he wanted his world to revolve around making music.

The first step was letting Shayne hear it. Teaching him the riffs. When to play hard and when to ease back. But he didn't have to know that Spencer wrote it. Not yet.

Spencer typed out a message to Damien.

Spencer: It's okay…on one condition. If it comes up, we're still not telling Shayne that it's my song. Just say we all wrote it or something.

Three dots instantly appeared at the bottom of the message window.

Damien: Of course, my lips are sealed. And Tommy's too. I'm excited to play it again. :)

Spencer exhaled the breath he'd unknowingly kept trapped in his lungs. He definitely needed this particular cigarette before practice.

Three quick knocks came from Spencer's right side, making him both gasp and jolt in his seat. He looked over to find Shayne peering through the window, eyebrow raised in a quizzical look. Spencer shook his head a bit to ground himself in reality, rolled his shoulders back, and finally got out of the car.

"Is everything okay?" Shayne asked, voice laced with caution.

Spencer nodded as he reached for his cigarettes and lighter.

"Yeah, just got a little distracted is all." Instead of walking to the back of his car like he normally did, Spencer stood in place and went through the motions of lighting his cigarette and taking that first desperately-needed drag. He glanced up at Shayne and saw that he was still looking at Spencer, his expression softening a bit.

"You want me to wait?"

"You can if you want to." Spencer shrugged, then turned away from Shayne and leaned against his car. He really hoped that this knot in his stomach would loosen over the next few minutes. Spencer leaned back even further, his spine contouring to the line and shape of the car. He closed his eyes and listened, expecting to hear Shayne's footsteps walking away from him.

Spencer heard footsteps, but they were coming toward him instead. And then Shayne was next to him, leaning against Spencer's car, his face unreadable once Spencer opened his eyes.

The thing about this ritual with Shayne was that while there were often stretches of silence, it never felt awkward. Sure, Spencer still felt that underlying hum of anxiety beneath his skin when it happened, always waiting for the moment when Shayne grew tired of standing around and left him on his own. But in the space of that silence, there was also a sense of companionship. Of patience. Of waiting.

And that was why Spencer had kept to the same schedule in order to preserve whatever this was—to relish in this feeling and try to understand it, to fight against every instinct that told him to push the feeling away.

"So. We're going to teach you another song tonight," Spencer said quietly, unsure of why he said the words even as they left his mouth.

Shayne looked over at him. "Yeah? I feel like my brain's already about to burst, but bring it on." He laughed as he said it, and it completely lit up his face.

Spencer ashed his cigarette and took another short pull. "You're doing pretty good."

The twilight was closing in on them fast, but Spencer still saw the way Shayne's cheeks flushed a light pink.

"Thank you," Shayne said, looking away from Spencer and down at the ground.

Spencer stood up straight, putting out his cigarette and turning to face Shayne. "Just telling you how I feel. C'mon, let's go in."

~

Spencer knew his anxiety was showing plain as day, especially with his leg incessantly bouncing as he sat on his drum stool. He listened and watched as Damien went over the lead guitar's riff with Shayne, each of them picking out notes that eventually fell into a rhythm and then came to life as a melody.

They had gone through the song once already with Damien playing the lead guitar part. Spencer had glanced at Shayne a few times to see if he could get a sense of Shayne's overall opinion of the song. Mostly, he just looked like he was deep in thought.

Spencer's gaze slipped away from Damien and Shayne and he must have entered the void instead, because the next thing he knew, Tommy was standing in front of him and snapping his fingers. Spencer blinked a few times and focused on Tommy's face.

"Welcome back." Tommy leaned over, his hands on his hips, his eyes still on Spencer.

Spencer's leg kept bouncing. "Did I miss anything?"

Tommy shook his head, reaching out and lightly pressing on Spencer's knee. Spencer stopped bouncing his leg even though it felt like shifting his body into neutral—he felt the nervous energy building up inside of him, desperate for somewhere to go.

"Sorry," Spencer mumbled.

Tommy smiled. "No sorries. You okay?" His voice was gentle and even, and Spencer felt traces of his restlessness dissipate. Tommy looked at him as if he could see right through him, and honestly, after being friends for so long, he probably could. He knew who wrote this song, and he knew all of Spencer's tells—not that those were hard to decipher. Spencer recognized that part of him was an open book.

"Yep. Fine." Spencer nodded curtly and looked down at the ground. He heard Tommy sigh and soon enough, he walked away. To distract himself from any and all things happening in that moment, Spencer picked up his drumsticks and began to play the main beat for his song at about half volume. He needed to move somehow, and this was more productive than bouncing his leg or pacing around the room.

"Speaking of which," Damien announced, his voice rising above all the other noise in the room, "everybody ready? I think we're gonna give it a go with buddy boy now. Shayne?"

Shayne laughed, shaking his head. "Yeah, I'm ready, man."

Damien pointed at Tommy. "Thomas?"

"Do not call me that. But yes." Tommy drew out the vowel in not for emphasis but still gave Damien an affectionate smile.

"Spen—"

"Yeah. Ready." Spencer immediately regretted taking a sharp tone, because now everyone was staring at him. He tried to put them at ease by smiling, but chances were high that they'd all see through his bullshit.

Damien played the first few notes. "Okay. Let's do it."

They started off sparse and minimal, just the guitars and Damien's voice. Then they added more—Tommy's bass line keeping pace, Spencer's drums stubbornly demanding to take the reins and fly.

And Spencer did just that until it was time for the guitar, specifically Shayne's guitar, to lead them all home.

Spencer was out of breath, drops of sweat running down his neck. He'd been staring at his drum kit while Shayne and Damien played the outro, afraid of what he might see or how he might feel if he paid close enough attention. Everything went quiet as the final notes faded out.

"I loved that." Tommy's voice cut through the sudden silence.

Spencer ran a hand through his now damp hair and finally lifted his head.

First, he saw Tommy looking at him with an impish grin. Spencer rolled his eyes but felt his lips twitching up into a smile despite himself. He chanced a glance to his right and saw that both Damien and Shayne were looking at him too.

"Did I do something wrong?" Spencer asked, trying not to sound defensive.

Damien giggled gleefully in his post-playing high. "No dude, I think we kinda killed it though?" His inflection made it seem like a question he wanted Spencer to answer.

Spencer nodded. "Yeah. Crazy…" His voice drifted away, and his gaze focused in on Shayne. And he couldn't stop himself from asking.

"So? Any notes?" Spencer heard the slight tremor in his voice but chose to ignore it.

Shayne looked away, and Spencer felt the knot in his gut tighten up again. Of course Shayne hated the one song that Spencer wrote on his own—

"I like it a lot." Shayne glanced back at Spencer, and his mouth started to move around hesitant, silent shapes, like what he wanted to say was taking a detour on the way to his throat.

"Yeah?" Spencer prodded, wondering if Shayne just needed a little push to finish his thought.

"Yeah, I like that it…pushes and pulls in intensity? I guess that could describe a lot of these songs, but even so. It's good. And it's fun to play, I love that riff."

Spencer felt the words thank you floating on his tongue, but he swallowed the sentiment back down.

Shayne gestured around the room. "Do we want to play it again? I wouldn't mind it."

"Actually," Spencer began, clearing his throat, "since it's not really in rotation, maybe we should move on to stuff we know we're going to play—"

"Mmm. Veto." Damien looked at Spencer with puppy dog eyes. "Once more, with feeling? Please? Then we'll go over everything else."

Spencer exhaled through his nose and nodded. Everybody else nodded in agreement, and Shayne started playing the opening notes. As Damien's voice joined in, Spencer swore he saw Shayne look over at him. Maybe it was just his imagination.

When it was time, Spencer channeled every feeling in his body into the song's thumping beat.

~

After their last practice before the show, everyone helped Spencer break down his drum kit and carry it out to the shiny new Selfish Guarantees van. They decided to pile some other equipment in there too, so nobody would have much to transport in their own cars.

Once they closed the van's rear doors, Damien and Tommy started to wander away in the direction of their own vehicles.

Damien paused and turned back toward Shayne and Spencer.

"Remember! Be there by eight…well, no, be there by seven-thirty since one of us is new and the rest of us are rusty at this whole live show thing." Even when deliberately trying not to sound panicky, Damien still managed to sound a little panicky.

Spencer nodded. "It'll be fine. Probably."

"Spencer, you are literally the worst hype man ever." Damien rolled his eyes but managed to crack a smile too. He turned his attention to Shayne.

"Good night—let me know if you need any help though, for real."

"It'll be fine, Dames. But I'll call if I need you. Good night." Shayne waved Damien off and, with that, Damien turned around and headed toward his car. Tommy honked a few times on his way out, and everyone dutifully waved.

It was then that Spencer tried to give Shayne the most wilting stare he could muster, but he failed miserably. The part of Spencer that wanted to push Shayne away lost to the part that wanted to keep him close.

There was a deadlock inside his own mind—some days, one side had the advantage over the other, and the next, the situation would reverse. It made things complicated, to say the least.

"What?" Shayne asked, raising an eyebrow.

Spencer shrugged and reached for the nearest thought in his head. "I don't know if I've ever heard you call him Dames before."

Shayne laughed. "Okay, so? It's just a nickname from when we were younger, that's all."

"Fair enough. And also just…" Spencer hesitated.

Shayne waited a few seconds. "And also just what?"

"Be careful with my drum set." Spencer walked past him and toward his car.

"Good night to you too, I guess. See you tomorrow," Shayne's voice called out from behind him.

Spencer got into his car but watched and waited as Shayne climbed into the van and started to drive away.

"See you tomorrow," Spencer whispered under his breath.

~

The drive to Smosh Pit wasn't a long one, so Spencer making the trip on his own in his own car wasn't anything out of the ordinary. The club was close enough that they all considered it a local show, so it didn't take a huge amount of planning.

It was hard not to think of Alex tonight, especially while driving the familiar route to the first real venue they'd ever played at. The four of them had been through so much together, and out of the blue, those times had come to an end. Spencer felt like he hadn't completely processed the change yet, and it was part of the reason why his attitude toward Shayne was so hot and cold, shifting at any moment.

Spencer pulled into Smosh Pit's parking lot and noticed that it was moderately full. Not jam-packed by any means, but still enough people that the thought of it made Spencer's nerves buzz. But there was no reason to feel on edge. They had done this before.

But now, it would be with Shayne.

Spencer pulled out his phone and navigated to his messages with Alex.

Spencer: Miss you man.

He put his phone away immediately so he wouldn't stall waiting for an answer. Spencer spotted the van parked next to the club's back entrance, got out of his car, and started walking in that direction.

"Spence! Just in time!" Tommy approached him, grinning ear to ear.

Spencer shook off all the negative crap that was weighing him down. Apathy. Up to eleven. Right.

He smiled at Tommy. "What, the drummer can't be fashionably late?"

"Not when it's mainly your shit that needs to be set up." Tommy lightly shoved Spencer and both of them giggled, probably more out of pre-show jitters than anything else.

"Fine, fine. Point taken. Where's Damien?"

Tommy climbed into the back of the van and began moving equipment so it was within Spencer's reach. "He's talking to Ian—apparently there's some other guy he wanted Damien to meet? I don't know, I just work here."

Spencer laughed again. "Right. And…I assume Shayne is here because the van is here."

"Yes, genius." Tommy hopped out of the van and then gave Spencer a serious look.

Spencer shook his head. "Nope. Don't even try. I'm fine. It'll be fine."

"Sure about that?" Tommy asked quietly.

"Oh, hey Spencer. Need any help?" Shayne emerged from the doorway leading into the club and took a few steps toward them before pausing—the look on his face clearly showed that Shayne had registered the tension in the air.

"Is everything okay?"

Spencer glanced at him. "Yeah. It's just peachy. Can you help me grab some of this?"

"Sure."

Between the three of them, they got the remaining pieces of Spencer's drum kit inside. They made their way to the stage, and Spencer felt a gentle wave of sound wash over him as they stepped out into the open.

"Are we ready to go, besides the drums?" Spencer asked, looking over at Tommy.

"I think so, minus a quick soundcheck." Tommy glanced at Shayne, and Shayne nodded in agreement.

Spencer familiarized himself with the stage again and felt another pang in his heart. He silently went about putting the kit back together, then seated himself on his drum stool and looked out into the club. Spencer really didn't want to get emotional, but it was hard not to. He forced his eyes shut, breathing in through his nose and exhaling quickly, like it would cast the sentiment out of him.

It didn't.

"You good?" Shayne stood in front of him now, and Spencer could only blink at him. Shayne didn't move and he didn't look away. Of course their stupid ritual had to happen right now, just on a stage instead of in a parking lot. And Spencer didn't have a cigarette either. God, he could use one.

"Yeah. You?"

"Yeah. Nervous, but…that'll pass." Shayne reached up and scratched the back of his head, ruffling his hair a bit in the process. It still looked perfect.

The vindictive side of Spencer took hold. "Final exam. You ready?"

"I hope so." Shayne seemed to take the jab in stride, slightly squaring up his shoulders like he was ready for a fight.

Spencer smirked, but there was no warmth in it. "Me too."

"Hey hey hey, everybody come here! Just real quick!"

Damien stood at the front of the stage and gestured wildly for everyone to join him. Standing next to him was a man of average height with short brown hair, a beard, and glasses. At first glance, no one would guess that Ian owned the place, but he did, and he ran it well. A lot of up-and-coming bands played here, and Ian had a way of finding all of them.

"Hey! Selfish Guarantees! Good to have you back." Ian grinned, a look of genuine excitement on his face. "And Shayne, right? Nice to meet you!" He reached out and shook Shayne's hand.

"Nice to meet you too man, thanks for having us here," Shayne replied.

Ian nodded and then turned his attention back to the group as a whole.

"I already introduced him to Damien, but I wanted all of you to meet the co-owner, Anthony." Ian turned around and started waving dramatically, trying to get what must be Anthony's attention.

Spencer raised an eyebrow. "Wait, co-owner? Hasn't Smosh Pit always been just you?"

Ian looked back over his shoulder at Spencer. "I mean, technically I started Smosh Pit with Anthony, but then some stuff happened and…it's…yeah, it's a long story."

A tall man with curly black hair and numerous tattoos approached them and stood next to Ian. "What's up, guys?"

"Anthony, this is Selfish Guarantees. Selfish Guarantees, Anthony."

"Oh wait, isn't this that band you were telling me about last week?"

Ian nodded. "Yeah, they're cool guys. And their music kicks ass!" Ian made a cringe-worthy face and threw up the devil horns, and it made Anthony laugh.

Damien looked at his watch. "Oops, and it's about time for us to start playing that kick-ass music. Anthony, nice to meet you, and Ian, thanks as always."

"Of course! Rock on!" Ian waved as he and Anthony walked away and into the crowd of patrons.

The four of them stood there, looking at each other.

Damien grinned. "How about it? Ready to kick ass?"

"Always, darling," Tommy said in a teasing voice.

Spencer nodded. "Let's do it."

"Born ready." The grin on Shayne's face was practically blinding.

The four of them got up on stage and made their final adjustments. For a few fleeting seconds, Spencer felt his heart drop to his stomach and then right itself like nothing had ever happened. He smiled to himself, looking up to see Shayne, Damien, and Tommy standing in front of him, stage lights burning bright on all of them.

This was his favorite thing to do—play music on stage with his friends.

…Was Shayne his friend?

"Hello Smosh Pit!" Damien's voice over the microphone swallowed all the other noise in the room. He paused for some cheers from the crowd. "Thanks for having us back, and in case you've forgotten, we are…Selfish Guarantees."

They were opening with In One Ear, the very first song they'd taught Shayne. It was a great choice, because it was sure to get Spencer's blood pumping. In the last seconds before Spencer began, images flashed before him of Selfish Guarantees as teenagers, writing this song together.

Let's see what Shayne can do.

Spencer started with the beat, and the rest of them played their opening chords. With that, they slowly built up a wall of sound, only to crash right through it. Damien started singing the first verse, and it really felt like riding a bike—how could they ever forget? They'd practiced and practiced, but performing in front of a live audience was a completely different animal.

Shayne and Tommy were easily able to keep pace with each other through the verse, both of them locked in to the rhythm of Spencer's drums. Once they got to the chorus, Spencer couldn't help but grin when he heard Damien and Tommy harmonize on In one ear and right out the other, but that was quickly overridden by the sound of Shayne more or less shredding on his guitar after the chorus.

He saw flashes of movement, bits and pieces of how Shayne moved around his corner of the stage, his guitar becoming an extension of himself. Spencer's attention turned again to Damien's powerful and succinct delivery of the lyrics, remembering at the last second to shout I do a lot of drugs during this verse, and the laugh that escaped him was pure joy.

Then, the quiet. The build up. The fake-out. A slight pause.

And then an explosion of sound, again and again and again.

I'm only playing music 'cause you know I fucking love it.

~

By the end of the show, Spencer felt like he was on the edge of collapsing. But he wouldn't trade that feeling for anything else in the world right now. The four of them finished dragging the equipment back to the van and loaded it up.

Tommy turned and faced the others. "That was fucking great. I'm gonna go sleep for five days." He half-waved his goodbye and began walking to his car.

The three who remained were leaning against the back of the van. Damien nudged Shayne with his shoulder.

"So, what do you think?" Damien's voice was understandably hoarse.

Shayne gave him a tired smile. "I think that was incredible." His smile grew wider.

"Yes, we love to hear that. Don't we, Spencer?"

"Mmmhmm." Spencer nodded.

Damien sighed. "Well, it's been fun, but like Thomas before me, I'm also gonna go sleep for five days. Maybe. Good night." He sauntered away toward his car, leaving just Spencer and Shayne behind.

Why did this keep happening?

Spencer put his hands in his pockets and realized his cigarettes and lighter were in his car.

"I'm gonna smoke, but my stuff's in my car. Feel free to join me or…whatever." With that, Spencer started walking toward the back of the parking lot, since he'd parked farther away than anyone else. His senses were slow to catalog the world around him—everything felt a little fuzzy around the edges, so by the time Spencer got to his car, he hadn't even noticed that Shayne was following right behind him.

Spencer opened his car door and reached in to grab the necessary items. He slammed the door shut and walked to the back, hopping up on the trunk to sit. Shayne perched next to him, and the two of them sat in their usual silence as Spencer lit his cigarette.

"So." Shayne looked like he wanted to continue that thought, but then decided not to.

"So." Spencer parroted back to him.

Shayne shifted his body until he was slightly angled more toward Spencer, but he wasn't looking at him. Shayne picked at the skin of his nails, and Spencer watched him, any remaining tension melting away with each exhale of smoke.

"Did I pass?" Shayne finally looked up at him, his voice quiet.

Spencer furrowed his brow. "Huh?"

"Before the show. You said it was my final exam."

Spencer wished he could take it back now, especially after watching Shayne fidget nervously while stuck inside his own head. Spencer had wanted to drive the point home that Shayne wasn't one of them.

But if he wasn't one of them, then why was Spencer sitting here next to him? Spencer could have said goodbye, walked away, drove off into the night, and smoked his cigarette at home. But that wasn't what he'd done. Instead, he sat here on the trunk of his car, and this unfairly handsome man made the choice to join him.

Every time Spencer opened a door, Shayne walked through it with no hesitation.

Spencer's mind hazily recalled Shayne's fluid movement on stage, his ability to make his guitar wail or whisper, his smile just as bright as any stage light.

"You passed." Spencer smiled, and his defenses were down enough that it reached his eyes. Right now, that was fine by him.

Shayne smiled faintly and slipped off of Spencer's car onto the ground. "Good. I'm glad." He started to walk away, back to where the van was parked.

"Good night," Spencer called out to him.

Shayne looked over his shoulder. "Good night, Spence."

Spencer's gaze followed Shayne across the parking lot, followed the van as it drove away. Then he reached for his phone and saw he had a message from Alex.

Alex: Miss you too dude. Hope tonight is a blast!

Alex had included a bunch of emojis at the end of his message, and Spencer chuckled to himself.

Spencer: Thanks. It was pretty good. I'll get used to it…eventually.

~

A few weeks later, Ian booked them again at Smosh Pit. He specifically mentioned that Anthony had really liked the show and convinced Ian to text Damien about scheduling another. Coming off of a pretty successful comeback show, it was hard to say no to another.

Spencer arrived at the club and already felt super ramped up. This time, it was less about nerves and more about the excitement of getting to perform again. He knew that their first show had gone well enough but was pleasantly surprised that Ian and Anthony already wanted to book them again so soon.

He hoped it was a sign of good things to come.

Spencer walked up to the van and in a sing-song voice announced, "Boys, your drummer has arrived."

"Just me, actually. Damien had car trouble." Shayne walked around to the back of the van, and Spencer could immediately tell that he was nervous about something. Maybe he was worried that his stellar first performance had been a fluke.

"Oh." Spencer grabbed his phone and checked the recently created Selfish Guarantees group chat.

Damien: Car is acting up. Thomas is coming to get me but we should still be there on time. Probably.

Tommy: I really wish you would stop calling me that. ETA like 30 minutes at the latest.

Shayne: I'm sorry Dames. We'll get things set up here, don't worry.

Spencer: :(

Spencer had apparently missed a lot while driving, and he sent the sad face message as a show of solidarity. He put his phone away and looked at Shayne.

"Shall we?" Spencer gestured toward the van.

Shayne cleared his throat. "Actually, uh…I was hoping we could talk for a minute."

Spencer felt an ice-cold panic rush through his veins. Talking was usually the opposite of what they did, and it had worked fine so far. But today, the side of Spencer that wanted Shayne a little closer seemed to be in charge, because—

"Okay. Sure."

Shayne turned around and Spencer followed him, walking around the van until they were nearly at the front of it. Shayne leaned against the vehicle, and Spencer copied him, while also trying to keep his body, his movements, and his face in check. He desperately tried to summon the apathy, but it was nowhere to be found.

And then the silence loomed before them.

Finally, Spencer looked at Shayne very pointedly. "Are we talking?"

"Yeah."

But that was all that Shayne said.

Spencer shook his head, the side that wanted to push Shayne away starting to take over again. "Look, man, usually we don't do a lot of talking, so I don't know what—"

"What the fuck is it with you?" Shayne interrupted, pushing off the van and turning to look at Spencer. His voice wasn't filled with venom—instead, it was pain. He was hurt. "I know you probably have plenty of reasons not to like me. I get that. One of your best friends—"

"Don't talk about Alex." Spencer felt his voice shake when he said it, but he didn't want to hear this reality acknowledged by Alex's replacement.

Shayne showed no signs of stopping, starting again where he left off.

"One of your best friends moved away, someone you started this band with, and you're pissed off. You're pissed off and think of me as some…invader. Which, fair. You have every right to think that. But in the past couple of months…"

Shayne paused and took a deep breath.

So far, Spencer didn't have anything else to add; there was nothing to push back against since Shayne was pretty on point in his assessment of the situation.

"I just can't get a clear read on you, Spencer. Sometimes you act like you hate me, like you're trying to get me to quit. But then other times…"

Shayne had paced around a little as the words poured out of him, like he was trying to analyze every interaction he'd ever had with Spencer up until that very moment. When he paused again, he looked up and locked eyes with Spencer. Neither of them looked away as Shayne turned to fully face him.

"Other times it feels like you're trying to be my friend. And I honestly think we could be really good friends. But regardless of all that, I just want to be part of the band and I want to keep playing with all of you. I want you to give it a chance. Please."

Shayne's voice broke a little. Spencer said nothing, frozen in place by Shayne's eyes shining bright under the streetlights. As the seconds ticked by, Shayne's resolve slowly crumbled. He inhaled with exasperation.

"Or tell me to go, so I can quit wasting everyone's time."

"I don't want you to go." The words left Spencer before he could claw them back. Shayne took a couple of steps until he stood in front of Spencer, his arms folded across his chest.

"Yeah?" Shayne's voice was softer now, and it held the barest hint of hope.

Spencer nodded. "Yeah." He took a step toward Shayne, closing the distance between them a little bit more. The battle inside of him was finally over.

"You're right. About everything. I know I've acted like an asshole one minute and then the next minute I've been…well, less of an asshole, I guess."

Shayne let out a surprised laugh. Spencer smiled slightly and continued. A valve had opened up inside of him and now everything was pouring out. Well. Almost everything.

"Selfish Guarantees is the best thing I have in my life. And it involves the best people in my life, doing the thing I love to do most. So, I'm protective of it. And I won't lie, it did feel like you were an invader. But despite all of it, despite me acting like a fucking prick half the time, you still tried. And it…it means something to me that you tried."

Shayne's face was unreadable, but Spencer figured that was only fair. Maybe Shayne didn't want to stay now. Maybe Spencer had finally chased him away, right as he didn't want Shayne to go. So, Spencer went with what he did best and used humor to deflect.

"Plus, have you heard yourself play the guitar dude? You are insanely talented. You're wasting the best years of your life with a bunch of idiots like us."

Shayne started laughing then, and Spencer couldn't help but join him. Soon, they were doubled over gasping for air, the built-up tension leaving them both and floating away. After they caught their breath, they both stood up and Shayne checked his watch.

"Shit, they're probably gonna be here in like a minute and we haven't done anything."

Spencer shrugged. "I mean, I think we did something."

"True." Shayne smiled, and Spencer could feel his face getting flushed.

Spencer stuck his hand out. "So, friends?"

Shayne shook Spencer's hand, both of them lingering a second too long. Spencer thought of the day they met—how Shayne had reached for his hand then, too.

"Friends. Friends who need to set at least something up so the show doesn't start late."

"Setting up the drums goes really quick for me, so let's get everything else first."

"Sounds like a plan."

~

Just as Tommy and Damien pulled up, Shayne and Spencer were grabbing the last parts of the drum kit and heading inside. They had somehow managed to get everything together and ready despite taking time for their serious conversation.

As he took his place behind the drums, Spencer felt lighter than air. He would eventually need to remove himself from the noise, the lights, the people, from Shayne, so he could fully process what the hell had just happened out there in the parking lot and how he felt about it.

But there wasn't time for that now. They still had a show to play.

Most of it was a blur. He kept it together the best he could, but during some songs, he felt unhinged and his drumming got more wild and chaotic. It didn't change the vibe of the show at all, it seemed—the crowd ate it up, and he could tell that Tommy and Damien were feeling extra sassy and flamboyant too.

And Shayne…he fell into place right beside them. All of it just worked. It was another piece of the puzzle finding its home, shaping an image of what the future could hold for all of them.

They were closing with Back Against the Wall, a song that Damien fondly referred to as his baby. As all four of them played their steady, synchronized starting tempo, Damien said his goodbyes to the audience.

"Smosh Pit, you've been awesome again. Shout out to Ian and Anthony for being cool dudes. And shout out to all of you—" He paused while the crowd clapped, shouted, and whistled— "for coming out tonight and listening to us play. And just remember, we are…Selfish Guarantees."

At first, it might've seemed like a tame choice to play for a closer, but the best part of this song was its slow buildup of sound as they played. Damien's voice rang out strong and sure over the gentle beat as the verse began. When Spencer hit the down beat, everyone else followed suit and picked up the pace a little.

Tommy's bass and Shayne's guitar morphed their sound as Damien's voice grew louder, singing what he called the fake-out chorus. Because once it ended, everybody dropped back into what they'd been playing the verse before.

Only this time, the fake-out chorus wasn't a fake. And this time, Spencer could drive them all into the actual chorus. He chanced a glance up as he played louder and louder, and he saw Shayne, turned so he was partially angled toward the audience but still able to see the back of the stage.

He was grinning at Spencer.

All of the other things Spencer hadn't said to Shayne before the show suddenly hit him like a tidal wave.

Now you know. Yeah, you got my back against the wall.

As they fell into the actual chorus, Spencer let that wave flow through him and out again in a burst of animated energy. That energy must have made its way to everyone else; Damien and Tommy were absolutely nailing the chorus, their voices very nearly blending into one, and Shayne was powering through the riff like his life depended on it. But the intensity shrank again as all of them went back in for one more verse.

Spencer was nearly gasping for breath from playing that hard, so sliding back into that simple beat gave him a chance to reel it back in. It was probably just a coincidence. Shayne probably turned right as Spencer looked up, and he'd probably already been grinning like crazy. That all made sense. Spencer didn't look up before the chorus this time. All of his focus fell into muscle memory and listening for cues.

Oh God, I ain't got no other place to hide.

Only now…Spencer knew what came next. And he looked up.

The lead guitar solo—Shayne's solo—was just beginning. But it wouldn't reach full power until the drums matched the intensity.

This time, Spencer couldn't explain it away. Shayne's eyes went from his guitar to Spencer's face, smile blazing bright.

So, Spencer grinned right back.

And they fucking killed the solo.

~

Tearing down the equipment and stuffing it back into its chosen mode of transportation was always the worst part of a post-show high. Spencer knew how exhausted he was, how sore his muscles felt, but the ringing in his ears and the performance euphoria muted his senses to all of it. Sadly, the work wasn't actually over until all their stuff was back in the van.

"Oh, I forgot. Sorry about your car, Damien." Spencer sank all the way to the ground, head resting against the back bumper of the van.

Damien rolled his neck around, waiting for something to pop. "Shit happens. I'll get it fixed soon…ish. I hope. Card shop should pay me next week."

"So am I your chauffeur until further notice?" Tommy was busy stretching each of his long limbs, looking at Damien for an answer.

"I mean—" Damien hesitated, seeming a little flustered. "Not necessarily."

It was then that Spencer looked around and noticed that Shayne was nowhere to be seen, despite the fact that they were all hanging around what was technically his vehicle.

"Where did Shayne go? Wasn't he just here? I know he helped with at least some of this stuff."

Tommy shrugged. "I think I saw him talking to some girl? I could be wrong though."

Spencer's eyes snapped to Tommy. "A girl?"

"Yeah, a girl. Are you really that surprised when the man looks the way he does?"

Spencer felt something deflate inside of him. "True."

"Anyways, I wanna go home because it's time to sleep for another five days. But guys…" Tommy paused, looking knowingly at Damien and then at Spencer. "This is really good. Like really good."

Damien nodded and offered Tommy a tired smile. "It is. It might sound crazy, but all of this just feels…right. I can't explain it, other than it being a stars aligning kind of moment, like I said before."

"Yeah." Tommy smiled back at Damien, then nudged Spencer who was still sitting on the ground. "What say you?"

Spencer looked up at both of them and gave them a barely-there smile. "Yeah, I think I've finally come around."

Damien giggled. "About time."

"Okay, okay. Let's give the boy a break." Tommy playfully shoved Damien's shoulder. "You ready to go?"

Damien nodded and grabbed Tommy's arm as they started walking toward the car.

"G'night Spence!" Tommy yelled as they walked away.

"G'night." Spencer watched the two of them and felt his heart sink a little before it buoyed back up into place.

Where was Shayne? And was there a girl?

Spencer waited a few more minutes, but as the seconds crawled by, he decided his need for nicotine outweighed waiting around for Shayne. He got up, shoved his hands in his pockets, and started to walk to his car.

"Hey Spence! Wait!"

Spencer turned around with embarrassing speed and saw Shayne waving at him.

And standing next to him was an absolutely gorgeous blonde woman.

Spencer thought about turning back around and continuing to walk away, but Spencer was also an idiot, so he started walking back toward Shayne and this mystery girl.

"I didn't know if any of you were still here, but since I caught you, I wanted to introduce you. This is my friend, Courtney. Courtney, this is Spencer, the drummer."

Courtney smiled, and it wasn't difficult to see that she was sunshine incarnate.

"Hi Spencer! It's really, really nice to meet you. Shayne talks about the band all the time. You guys were absolutely amazing tonight."

Spencer smiled but wondered how fake it looked to both of them. "Nice to meet you Courtney. And thanks."

"Getting ready to leave?" Shayne looked to Spencer.

Spencer nodded and gestured toward his car. "I was probably gonna smoke first, but yeah."

"Oh, okay." Shayne glanced back at Courtney, and then over at Spencer again. "I'm gonna walk Courtney to their car real fast, and then..." He didn't finish his sentence but nodded at Spencer like that would get his point across.

"Okay, sounds good."

Courtney gave Spencer a little wave. "It was great meeting you! Hopefully you'll see me at more shows!"

"Hopefully. Be safe driving home." Spencer felt compelled to give her a little wave back as they started to walk over to the other side of the parking lot. Spencer watched them for a few seconds before continuing toward his own car.

Spencer lit the last cigarette in his pack and laid down on the trunk of his car, head resting on the rear windshield. He had no idea what time it was or what Shayne was doing. Maybe returning for their ritual of sitting together in near silence isn't what he'd meant by his ambiguous nod. Maybe he'd just meant he was going to take the van and go home too.

But then Spencer heard faint footsteps getting closer, and Shayne climbed up onto the back of Spencer's car and laid down next to him.

Once again, silence—but the tension that had simmered beneath it for so long had now evaporated.

Spencer exhaled smoke. "Good show."

"Yeah. Really good show." Shayne's voice sounded quiet and far away.

"I meant what I said, you know."

"Which part?"

Spencer chuckled slightly. "All of it, but. The insanely talented part."

"You are too, you know?"

Spencer looked over at him and immediately Shayne matched the movement.

"Yeah?" He could feel himself blushing. Spencer was not one to fish for compliments, but he'd done a lot of out-of-character things lately.

Shayne nodded. "Yeah. I don't know how to explain it exactly but…it's like you get possessed somehow."

Spencer laughed. "Possessed? I don't know if that's actually a good thing."

"It is, I promise!" Shayne laughed as he said the words. "I guess it's like the music takes over and you look so…" His voice drifted away while he searched for the right word.

"Free?" Spencer put out his cigarette but stayed in place.

Shayne nodded. "Yeah. That's it."

"I would hope that's it. It's me we're talking about, and I'm the one who came up with it." Spencer sat up and looked over at Shayne, unable stop the smile that was forming on his face.

Shayne started laughing again, and to Spencer, there was no better sound than that.

~

Damien: I didn't think of this until just now but…would you mind updating the website? I'm formulating a plan and I think it'll help if we're as up to date as possible.

Spencer: Makes sense. I'll work on it tonight.

Damien: Thanks bud, I appreciate it.

Spencer set his phone aside and changed gears, closing out of his actual work and moving on to the band's website. Working from home and whatever hours he wanted definitely had its benefits, which was why he had stayed with this company for so long. They paid him a decent amount, and it also gave him tons of wiggle room to practice and perform with the band. All in all, it worked out nicely.

Spencer cracked his knuckles and rolled his shoulders back. He shouldn't have to do much to the Selfish Guarantees website, but he knew what the major things would be, and the thought of it made him sigh audibly. The whole thing had been Damien's idea to begin with, a way to sort of advertise themselves when the situation called for it. They still hadn't recorded a song to upload, but that might change now.

He logged in and started poking around. First, he would need to archive all of Alex's info—not delete it, of course, but keep it around as its own unused page, just in case. Spencer then looked at all the other pages to see what might need to be updated.

He couldn't really avoid it any longer. Spencer had already gotten fresh selfies from Damien and Tommy to update their bios. He would figure out his own soon enough. Now, he needed to ask Shayne.

Since everything that happened at the last show, he'd been talking to Shayne a whole lot more. Shayne would send him memes sometimes, and Spencer would react to them or maybe send a meme in return. The band group chat had a lot more random, casual conversation now too. Overall, things were getting better and better for them in a lot of ways.

But every now and again, Spencer's mind would flash back to Shayne standing next to Courtney, how nice she seemed, how pretty she was, how perfect they looked together. And each time, Spencer felt a wormhole to the void open up inside of him, threatening to swallow him up.

Why did he care so much if Courtney was Shayne's girlfriend? It was none of his business.

Spencer: Hey, I'm doing some spring cleaning for the band website.

Shayne: …The band has a website?

Spencer: Yeah, it pays to have a computer nerd for a drummer.

Shayne: Today I learned. :)

Spencer: Please send me a selfie and a mini bio. :P

Spencer put his phone down and made the short walk to his kitchen to get something to drink. He pulled a Kickstart from the fridge and cracked it open, taking a drink while glancing back at his desk.

Nothing said Shayne would send anything back right away.

But Spencer's phone vibrated, so he quickly walked back over to his desk and sat down. He unlocked his phone and checked his messages with Shayne.

Shayne had sent a selfie that could only be described as…incredibly cutesy. He was giving the camera a peace sign, his grin was huge, his eyes were big and beautiful, his hair was—

Spencer smacked his phone down onto his desk and closed his eyes.

"What the fuck, dude."

This needed to stop. Ever since they'd made up, or become friends, or whatever it was their talk had accomplished, the blinders had been torn off and the reins ripped from Spencer's hands. Whenever he laid eyes on Shayne, was near him, spoke to him, Spencer's mind raced.

He felt like he was morphing into a strange combination of the person he'd always known himself to be and someone completely different. And he didn't hate it entirely, but he didn't fully understand it yet either—just the part where Shayne made him feel this way.

And Shayne was probably dating Courtney. So, nothing good was ever going to come of this anyway.

Spencer picked his phone back up and looked at the selfie again. While it was incredibly attractive, it wasn't the same vibe as everyone else's selfies.

Spencer would probably regret this.

"You're doing it for the band," he muttered out loud. But he knew that wasn't entirely true.

Spencer: Good pic and all, but I need you to think less cutesy and more thirst trap.

Five minutes later, Shayne still hadn't replied. To distract himself, Spencer opened up a new browser tab and went to the Guess the Game website, picking up where he'd left off in the list of puzzles.

Fifteen minutes and a handful of successful guesses later, his phone vibrated again. Spencer took a deep breath and picked it up.

Shayne: Is this what you want?

Spencer's eye grew wide. Shayne had deliberately changed into what must have been the tightest T-shirt he owned. He'd adjusted the angle so the camera was facing him head on as he sat in front of it, his legs slightly bent. The shirt looked like it could tear at any moment as it stretched over his arms, chest, and abs, highlighting the definition and curve of each muscle.

And his face—instead of his usual grin, he wore a knowing, almost teasing smirk. With one hand tangled in his hair, the look in his impossibly blue eyes seemed to echo the sentiment Shayne had sent in his text.

Is this what you want?

Spencer was too gobsmacked at first to form coherent thoughts. Once he'd gotten a hold of himself, he gently set his phone down and leaned back in his chair.

"I am so done for."

Spencer had to admit to the universe that he could use some help, one way or another. But, fuck it. Two could play at this game.

Spencer: Damn dude, chill. Save some for the rest of us, why don't you? But yes. This is more than fine.

Shayne: I just gave you what you asked for, man. Bio incoming.

Spencer scrolled back up, saved the cutesy selfie to his phone, and made it Shayne's contact photo. Shayne pinged him again with the information he needed, and Spencer forced himself to focus on adding Shayne's bio and that swoon-worthy picture to the website.

~

"It looks like you'll need to take a right up here."

"Okay, cool."

Spencer found himself playing navigator in the passenger seat of Shayne's van. Next to him was Shayne in the driver's seat, patiently listening to Spencer's directions to the new venue.

"And after this light…it should be on the left." Spencer looked up from his phone to see if it was leading them astray.

"Yeah, I think that's it. The sign says Overdrop…that's the name right?" Shayne glanced up at the sign through the windshield, waiting until traffic was clear to turn into what looked like Overdrop's parking lot.

"Yep. Think this one was Damien knowing Ian who knows a guy who knows a guy. And also the website."

"I'm sure it was mostly the website." Shayne chuckled to himself.

"If that's sarcasm I detect, I don't understand what you mean, and I won't respond to it." Spencer unbuckled himself and checked his messages to see if Damien had said anything.

"Except for the part where you just did?" Shayne laughed harder.

"Shut up, dude." Spencer looked over at Shayne, already smiling despite his best efforts not to. Only Shayne didn't notice, because now he was looking at his own phone.

"You good?"

"Yeah…uh…I guess Courtney is already here. They're asking if I can meet up with them real quick."

The smile faded from Spencer's face. "Oh."

Shayne looked up then, eyebrows furrowing slightly when his eyes fell on Spencer.

"Is that okay? I promise I'll be back to set up. It'll just take a few minutes."

Spencer waved his hand, pretending like he didn't care. "Yeah, that's fine. I'll get started. Tommy and Damien should be here any minute."

"Thanks man." Shayne smiled, and Spencer returned it as best he could before looking at his phone again.

Spencer heard the van door on the driver's side open and shut, but he still didn't move a muscle.

Courtney had been at all their shows lately. Usually Shayne didn't spend time with her until after they finished loading equipment, so this was new, and Spencer didn't know how to process it.

What if he just asked Shayne if Courtney was his girlfriend? Rip off the bandage, feel the pain, the end. Then maybe he could focus on getting over whatever this was.

What had stopped him up until now was the fact that Spencer didn't feel entitled to that information. If Shayne wanted people to know, he would share it, right? Spencer also worried that it would make him look, well…super obvious.

Maybe being super obvious was the answer. Or just a little bit, at the very least. Maybe opening up more would win Spencer the trust required to know whether he stood a chance with Shayne or not.

Spencer took a deep breath and hopped out of the van. As he walked toward the back of the van to open the doors, Tommy and Damien pulled up right next to it.

Tommy got out of the car and looked around. "Howdy howdy…" His voice disappeared as he took it all in and then set his sights first on Damien and then on Spencer. "This place has weird vibes."

Spencer laughed. "Maybe."

"Weird vibes or no, we're gonna try it out. And if it flops, the more you know." Damien mimicked a shooting star soaring across the sky with his hand. "I'm gonna go check in with these peeps."

"Don't get murdered." Tommy looked back at Damien and grinned.

"Avenge me." Damien gave him a cutesy smile that made Tommy giggle.

Spencer started to move equipment out of the van and onto the ground to give himself something to do. Tommy hummed quietly, his focus returning as he looked around.

"Uh, where's Shayne?"

"Courtney's here already. They texted him and wanted to see him before the show started."

"Oh." Tommy's voice went quiet.

"Yeah." Spencer stopped moving stuff and looked at Tommy.

Tommy tilted his head like a curious animal. "Are we still feeling weird about Courtney?"

"I didn't know we were feeling weird about Courtney."

Tommy gave him another soul-piercing stare, but let it go.

Damien came tearing out of the door that led from backstage to the outside. "Okay, we're good to start. Where's Shayne though?"

"With Courtney," Spencer and Tommy answered in unison.

Damien squinted at the two of them. "Okay, I'm just gonna pretend like that wasn't weird."

The words were lurking in Spencer's chest, fighting to be said. Fear sat crouched on top of them, weighing them down and trying to suffocate Spencer's determination.

Tommy bent down to pick up an amp and passed it over to Damien, and Spencer knew it was now—

"Damien, can we play Shake Me Down tonight?"

Tommy and Damien froze, staring at Spencer like he'd started speaking an alien language. Damien blinked several times, processing the question.

"Wait, are you for real?"

Spencer nodded. He glanced at Tommy, who was now beaming like a proud parent. Damien half-shrugged with the amp still in his grip.

"I mean, I'm fine with it. But honestly the person we should be asking is Shayne."

"Asking me what?"

Shayne walked up from behind Damien, then paused to take in the looks on everyone's faces. "Asking me what, guys?" There was a hint of uneasiness in his voice now.

Damien set the amp down and folded his arms across his chest. "If we were going to play Shake Me Down tonight, do you think you could manage it?"

"I think so." Shayne nodded, suddenly sporting a confident smile.

"You sure? We haven't practiced it that much."

Shayne's face started to turn red. "I, uh…I've sort of practiced the main riff and other parts on my own at home and stuff."

Spencer somehow stopped himself from grinning. Shayne liked his song. Shayne liked his song enough that he played it in his free time. At least Spencer could hold on to that, if nothing else.

"All right man. Let's do it. We'll close with it? Agreed?" Damien looked at everyone for confirmation, which they all gave.

"Cool. Now we have to set up for real." Damien picked the amp back up and immediately turned around, heading for the backstage door.

Tommy picked up another amp and two bundles of cords, then gave Spencer a look that said he craved chaos, which was never good.

"I can't believe it finally happened. Spencer Agnew wants to play—" Tommy gasped dramatically—"his very own song that he wrote all by himself." He smiled brightly and went on his way.

Spencer waited for the panic to set in, but strangely enough, it didn't. This was what he wanted anyway, right? To show Shayne this side of himself, come what may.

"Spencer, you…is that true?" Shayne spoke slowly, like he couldn't quite understand what he'd just heard.

Spencer took a step toward him, secretly hoping that Tommy was buying him some time for this conversation.

"Yeah, I wrote it a long time ago. We've never played it at a show because the idea of it…well, it scares the shit out of me, to be honest. But I don't know. For some reason, I think I'm finally ready to."

Shayne stepped closer. "I'm glad, man. It's a really good song."

"Thanks. I'm happy you like that riff so much."

"Like I said back when you first taught it to me, it's fun to play. I had a feeling you might have written it, but…" Shayne shrugged and didn't finish his thought.

They stood smiling at each other, the spell broken once they heard Damien and Tommy coming back out to the van.

Spencer grabbed his cymbals and pedals and started toward the door. This feeling flowing through him was something he'd never felt before—a mixture of both terror and hope.

~

Spencer could see Overdrop becoming part of the Selfish Guarantees venue rotation, despite Tommy's insistence of weird vibes. The available area for standing or dancing in front of the stage felt a little more closed-in than, say, Smosh Pit's space, but the crowd had been packed in and responsive all night. It felt up close and personal. Even the stage itself was smaller than what they were used to. But taken all together, it added to Overdrop's charm.

Somehow Spencer managed to feel both connected to the crowd and claustrophobic all at once. His heart thrashed around like a wild animal locked in a cage, frenzied and desperate for freedom. Nobody knew him here. Nobody knew that he'd written this song. There was truly nothing at stake.

Well, almost nothing. And songs were meant to be played, right?

As if they'd planned it together, Tommy looked back at Spencer, then Damien, and then Shayne. They were giving Spencer one last out. He knew that if he shook his head no, Damien would start playing something else to close, and everyone else would follow his lead without a word spoken.

Instead, Spencer nodded. He caught a glimpse of Shayne's smile as he turned back around to face the audience.

Damien's voice resounded through the speakers as he thanked everyone for such a welcoming turnout. Spencer listened to the words but didn't hear them. It really had been a great show, but this is where it could all come crashing down around him.

He closed his eyes and thought of Shayne sitting somewhere alone, plucking out the notes that Spencer had put to paper years ago.

He opened his eyes, and it was time to play Shake Me Down.

It started softly, with only Shayne's guitar and Damien's voice. Spencer appreciated the way that Damien captured the ethereal feel of these lyrics—his lyrics. Because sometimes Spencer didn't feel real himself, like he didn't belong with everybody else.

Then, a sudden boom—Spencer's quick thundering thumps and Tommy's bass joined the party. The ironic thing was that Spencer spent an awful lot of time listening instead of playing in his own song, which sometimes felt like agony. But now he was leaning into it, feeling the music twist out of his grasp and run off into the world for the first time.

He heard Shayne meticulously playing the riff as if he'd played it dozens of times before. Maybe he had. As everyone wandered easily through the chorus, Spencer made another bold appearance to signify the end of it. Only this time, he shifted right back into a steady beat for the next verse and the repeated chorus.

Hearing Damien vocalize all the words he'd written, Spencer felt like he'd taken his old composition notebook from high school and dumped it on the floor in front of the audience. These were his memories, the pessimistic conclusions he had drawn when he was young and hurting more than he let on.

The lyrics cut out to make way for a crescendo of sound, pressure building up behind every beat and strum. As everyone played, it was like they were taking a collective deep breath for what they knew was coming.

A desperate scream from deep inside.

Damien practically shouted through this part, but Spencer knew that's what it took. He felt like he was doing the equivalent as he tore through patterns and fills, letting his own silent scream free.

And then, it all stopped.

Well, not really. It came full circle to the gentle flow of Damien's quiet words and Shayne's delicate strums, basking in the relief that they'd made it through. Just like Spencer had.

Even on a cloudy day.

Spencer looked up to see if they really had survived the chaos. He saw Shayne turned toward Damien, slowly strumming chords as Damien repeated the same lyric over and over.

Even on a cloudy day.

But he wasn't looking at Damien. Shayne's face was turned toward Spencer, looking right at him, and mouthing the lyrics.

Even on a cloudy day.

Spencer mirrored him without thinking, nearly losing himself in it, eyes never leaving Shayne until it was time for his last hurrah on the drums.

Even on a cloudy day.

The final bars of the song were Spencer's declaration to the world, or maybe just to himself, that he would always keep going, that he would always find a reason to, that he would always look toward the sun, even on his cloudiest days.

I'll keep my eyes fixed on the sun.

Then it all faded out. All Spencer could see and hear was Shayne, silhouetted in bright light and playing a melody that he loved. A melody that Spencer had created.

And Shayne became the sun that Spencer's eyes were fixed on.

The crowd cheered. Spencer felt tears forming in his eyes, but he blinked them away.

In that moment, he realized he might be in too deep.

~

The doors slammed shut on the van, and immediately Spencer leaned against the cool metal, eyes closing.

"You in there?" Tommy asked.

Spencer smiled. "Ask me again tomorrow."

Tommy laughed, and Spencer felt his smile slowly slide into a grin.

"Hey, pay attention for a second."

Spencer opened one eye.

"I'm really proud of you. I hope you know that." There were no traces of humor or sarcasm on Tommy's face. His eyes and his smile told Spencer he was being completely genuine.

Spencer opened his other eye and stood up straight, feeling his face turn red at the sincerity.

"Thank you," Spencer said, willing himself to not immediately look away from Tommy as he said it.

"You're welcome," Tommy replied. "Now, where are our better halves?"

Spencer huffed a laugh. "Don't let Damien hear you say that."

"C'mon Spence, he would be the better half and you know it."

"I think you're equally as good." Spencer reached in his pocket for his phone, texting Shayne that he would be nearby smoking and not to leave without him.

"I'm gonna go look for him, I think," Tommy announced. "Have a nice post-show cigarette and text when you get home."

"Yes, Mom."

"Shut up!"

Spencer opened the passenger side door and found his cigarettes and lighter hidden away in his jacket. He closed the door behind him and started to walk away from Overdrop, stopping where parking lot ended and grass began. He sat down on the edge of the pavement and lit his cigarette, breathing in deep and watching the smoke leave his body in an erratic cloud.

He felt his phone vibrate and reached for it.

Shayne: Sorry, on my way back.

Spencer: No worries, just having that cig.

A few minutes later, Spencer heard someone walking toward him. He looked back to see Shayne, alone. Courtney had probably already left in her own car. He sat down next to Spencer, perhaps a little closer than normal, but it might have been Spencer's dazed imagination.

"I'm surprised that thing hasn't burnt itself out already," Shayne said, gesturing with his chin to Spencer's fresh cigarette.

"Hate to break it to you my guy, but this is my second. It's been that kind of night."

Shayne nodded. "I guess it has."

They didn't speak for a bit, their ritual playing out as it always did. But Spencer was content sitting here next to Shayne, looking at the stars and feeling the night air wash over them.

Shayne suddenly cleared his throat, which made Spencer jump slightly.

"It was amazing. I hope you know that."

Spencer laughed to himself, hearing Shayne echo Tommy's words from a little while ago.

"What I know is that you were amazing, and you can't tell me otherwise."

"Hey," Shayne said, tugging on Spencer's sleeve. "Look at me."

Spencer looked at him. His forehead was creased with concern, and his mouth had turned down faintly into a frown.

"You really have to stop selling yourself short. I mean it. Listen to me when I say you're an unbelievable drummer and a great songwriter and just…accept it, okay? I wouldn't lie to you about that."

Spencer couldn't breathe. While he tried to focus on all the good things Shayne just said about him, his mind grabbed hold of wouldn't lie to you.

About that.

So would he lie about this?

"Can I ask you something?" Spencer hated how fragile his voice sounded.

Shayne nodded. "Yeah, of course."

Spencer took the last drag of his cigarette and put it out beside him. "You can tell me to fuck off, go to hell, or it's none of my business, whatever. But…"

Spencer couldn't bring himself to say it, but Shayne sat there waiting, immovable, and patient.

"Is Courtney your girlfriend?"

Spencer watched as several emotions played out on Shayne's face, unable to catch them all in detail, but the one Shayne seemed to land on was relief masked with confidence.

"No, they're not. But they are one of my best friends. The reason they've been coming to so many shows is that they're really interested in the music business—mostly the behind the scenes bits. I've been helping them with connections and things like that when I can. Plus, turns out they just really like Selfish Guarantees."

Laughter bubbled up out of Spencer unexpectedly. "Of course she does, who can resist us? But that's really nice of you to help her out like that."

Shayne hummed, his eyes not leaving Spencer's face. "Why do you ask?"

Spencer stood up from the ground and dusted himself off before offering Shayne a hand up.

"No reason."

Shayne grabbed hold of Spencer's hand and Spencer helped pull him up, but neither of them let go of the other's hand right away.

"Thank you, Shayne."

Shayne tilted his head slightly. "For what?"

Spencer took a chance and squeezed Shayne's hand slightly before breaking the connection. "For being my friend."

~

It turned out that the plan Damien had been formulating all this time was what he called the Selfish Guarantees Mini Tour.

Spencer, Shayne, and Tommy sat on the couch in their practice space, faces slightly skeptical as Damien unveiled his grand scheme.

"Look, I have a schedule worked out and everything. We'll spend the first full day and, well, night driving up the coast, and then we'll play venues as we come back down. That way, after the last show, it won't take that whole day and night to get home again. See? I thought it through."

"I see the method to your madness, but what step are you on in this little plan of yours?" Tommy asked, arms folded in his lap.

Damien ran his hands through his fading purple hair, ruffling it into a crazier mess. "I need to cement dates, times, and venues. But most of the legwork is already done for that. And then I guess it's—get time off from work? And other matters of logistical intrigue?"

Spencer cleared his throat. "Where are we sleeping? If we want to make any of this worth it, even the shittiest motels might have to be off the table."

"I'm glad you asked. We're sleeping in our cars. Two people in Tommy's car and two in the van."

"This just keeps getting better and better." Spencer took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes with the palms of his hands.

"So, okay—" Shayne started and then paused, like he hadn't quite gathered all of his thoughts yet. Spencer put his glasses back on and turned to look at him.

"We drive up the coast. Play shows while driving back down the coast. We sleep in our cars. Drive, eat shitty junk food, shower at truck stops by day, and then play like hell every night." Shayne looked around and waited to see if anyone was going to correct him. Then he grinned wildly. "Sounds crazy, but it might just work."

"This is crazy. We've never done anything like it before." Spencer didn't want to admit that the thought of attempting something like this gave him a truckload of anxiety. Thankfully, he'd been better at getting over that kind of thing lately.

Shayne nudged Spencer's shoulder with his own. "Could be fun though."

Spencer rolled his eyes but smiled at Shayne all the same. "Could be."

"Okay!" Tommy declared, launching himself off of the couch and stumbling over to Damien. "Damien, this is literally insane but…fuck it. Let's do it. If we crash and burn, so be it."

"That's kind of a defeatist attitude, don't you think?" Damien smiled at him fondly.

Shayne started laughing, and Spencer couldn't tear his eyes off of him.

"Dames, I think we're just being realistic. But I'm in. If anything else, it'll be a great story."

Shayne turned to Spencer and raised his eyebrows a little when he saw that Spencer was still looking at him. Spencer immediately felt himself blush but didn't back down. He'd been getting bolder and bolder by the day—if it was getting him anywhere was a completely different story.

"So what do you think, Spence?" Shayne asked him, voice a little quieter than before.

Spencer nodded and then turned to look at Tommy and Damien.

"I think it's time to get to work, boys."

~

Spencer woke suddenly, his eyes flying open but immediately fading back to half-lidded. He felt the jostle of the van, heard the white noise of tires on pavement. After quietly readjusting his body in the passenger seat, he inhaled slowly and willed his eyes to focus.

"Welcome back," Shayne said softly, gaze set on the road ahead of him.

Spencer rolled his neck back and forth to relieve some stiffness and stretched his legs the best he could.

"Thanks. How long was I out for?"

Shayne's eyes darted to the clock set into the dashboard. "Mmm, I'd say like an hour or so."

"Sorry," Spencer mumbled.

"Don't be. You're driving tonight, remember?"

"Don't remind me," Spencer said through a yawn.

Somehow, between the four of them, they'd been able to piece together everything they needed for their Mini Tour, a name Damien had coined but eventually stuck. Tommy and Damien were traveling in Tommy's car, while Shayne and Spencer were taking the van. There hadn't been any discussion about who was going with whom, who was sleeping in what car with whom. It was like they'd all known going in what the setup would be, and it was just one less thing to talk about amongst a sea of other decisions.

Spencer tried not to think about it too much. That was a problem for Future Spencer to ruminate on.

They'd left that morning planning to do a good chunk of the driving during the day, take a break, and then drive through the night to a rest stop Tommy had found. ("Technically, we're allowed to sleep there, so no one can give us shit for sleeping in our cars, you know? Hence the rest stop.") The next night, they would play their first show of the tour.

Spencer nodded off again and came to as Shayne was pulling the van into a gas station. The sun was just beginning to set, which meant this must be their much needed break.

"Holy shit—I'm going to buy their entire stock of Kickstart, I promise." Spencer pulled off his glasses and rubbed his eyes.

Shayne took the keys out of the ignition and unbuckled. "You're fine Spence. You'll have me to keep you awake anyway."

"That's true, I guess. Still buying a ridiculous amount of Kickstart though." Spencer put his glasses back on and saw Shayne looking at him with a stupid smile on his face. "What?"

Shayne shook his head. "It's just…really Spence? Cigarettes and energy drinks? How are you even still alive?"

"Out of pure, unadulterated spite. Also thanks for reminding me I need cigs too," Spencer said, laughing.

Shayne shrugged, smile still on his face. "Hey, I'm here to help."

They got out of the van, and Spencer immediately spotted Tommy and Damien walking toward them. It was hard not to spot Damien now that his hair was colored a dramatic royal purple again.

"How're we doing, van dwellers?" Damien snickered, twirling the keys to Tommy's car around his finger.

Spencer gave an exaggerated shrug. "I mean, I slept like a baby. I have no complaints."

"Smooth sailing for me. Except for Spencer's snoring." Shayne looked unbothered as he said it, but was biting his lip.

"Wait, what?" Spencer coughed, nearly choking on his own spit. Tommy started cackling and grabbed on to Damien's arm for support.

Shayne chuckled. "Kidding, dude."

Tommy slapped a hand on Spencer's shoulder. "The look on your face was fucking priceless."

Spencer sighed. "Okay, if we're all done making fun of me, let's go make poor life choices so we can get back on the road." He started walking in the direction of the station's convenience store and didn't look back to see if anyone was following.

Once inside, Spencer grabbed some of his favorite snacks and then stood in front of the cooler with the energy drinks. Shayne casually sidled up beside him and nudged his shoulder.

"You do know I was kidding, right?" Shayne asked.

Spencer shook his head, looking straight ahead. "Nope, and I am deeply hurt by your accusations." He tried to hold back a grin and failed.

Shayne laughed airily. "Damn, it's gonna be a long car ride tonight."

Spencer opened the cooler door and grabbed a few Kickstarts, looking at Shayne as the door fell shut again. "It's okay. You can make it up to me by keeping your promise to help me stay awake."

And then he winked at Shayne. He turned and walked away almost immediately, determined not to turn around and see Shayne's reaction. Or have a panic attack.

~

Twilight quickly faded into dusk as storm clouds gathered and grew on the horizon.

"Looks like rain," Spencer muttered.

Shayne looked up from his phone and inspected the sky. "Looks like it. You gonna be okay?"

"Yeah, I'll be fine. Probably."

"Way to instill confidence, Spence."

Spencer chuckled. "It's what I do best. Will you grab a Kickstart for me though?"

Shayne rustled through the plastic bags that sat in the space between them, along with Spencer's discarded jean jacket. "What kind?"

"Dealer's choice."

Shayne opened one of the cans and put it in the cup holder closest to Spencer. "Done and done."

"Thanks dude," Spencer said, turning on the windshield wipers as the first raindrops started falling from above. Both of them stayed quiet as the storm's strength started to vary wildly, the rain finally evening out the further they drove up the coast.

"So, how are you gonna keep me awake? I was promised entertainment."

"Entertainment?" Shayne scoffed. "Guess I didn't know what I was signing up for."

"Hey, you could have driven with Damien, okay? You sealed your fate long ago when you decided you were fine with being in a vehicle with me for several hours."

Spencer didn't turn to look at him but heard Shayne laughing quietly to himself.

"C'mon, you know I'm right."

"Okay, I get it Spence. How about…I don't know, Twenty Questions or something?"

Spencer took a drink of his Kickstart to buy himself time before answering. Didn't he want to know more about Shayne? Was he that afraid of telling Shayne more about himself?

"Or like, you ask a question, I ask a question? What if one of us doesn't want to answer?"

"Then we say that. This isn't to make anyone feel uncomfortable or whatever, it's just…to know more."

Spencer heard Shayne pause and quickly glanced over at him. Even in the near darkness, he could see the faint smile on Shayne's face.

"You first."

"Okay—when did you start smoking?"

Spencer let out a surprised laugh. "That's your first question?"

"Hey, hanging out with you while you smoke is a thing for me—or for us, I mean. Can you blame a guy for being curious?"

For me. For us.

"Fair. Okay then. I started smoking when I was seventeen."

Shayne didn't say anything right away. Spencer gripped the wheel tighter, looking straight ahead.

"Dude, are you mad or just disappointed?"

"Neither, just a little surprised is all," Shayne blurted suddenly. "You answered my question though, so. Your turn."

Spencer rolled his shoulders back and sat up straighter in his seat. "Okay. Um…how and when did you meet Damien?"

Shayne chuckled. "This might come as a shock to you, but I met Damien at my very first guitar lesson."

"Oh my God, no way!" Spencer feigned surprise and grinned when he heard Shayne laughing harder. "Of course the guitar boys met while learning to play guitar. How old were you?"

"We were eleven and we were both really bad. But we kept going to the same guitar class and then ended up going to the same junior high and then high school. Guitar boys had to stick together."

"Well, that sounds adorable. Okay, go."

"My next question is easy then. How and when did you meet Damien?"

Spencer took another drink of Kickstart and cleared his throat. "That requires some background info, but here goes. So Tommy, Alex, and I grew up together—"

"You've known Tommy since you were a kid?"

Spencer smiled at the interruption. At least that meant Shayne was paying attention.

"Yeah, Tommy and Alex have been my best friends for…forever. Anyway, we started high school, and it went about as well as you'd expect. We were that weird trio of nerds who spent all their free time either trading Pokemon cards in the library or goofing off in one of the band practice rooms. Then during our sophomore year, Tommy dragged this gawky looking kid named Damien with him to lunch one day and introduced him to me and Alex. Apparently Tommy met him in his choir class. And soon enough, our trio became a quartet."

"Yeah, I remember when Damien moved away," Shayne mumbled.

Spencer hadn't really thought about it, but Shayne would definitely have experience with friends moving away too. That was how they'd even come to know Damien in the first place. And Alex moving away was how Shayne even entered his life at all.

"At least you've reconnected now though, right?"

"Yeah." Shayne's voice was quiet.

Spencer figured now was probably a good time to change the topic, so he asked something he'd been wondering about more and more the longer Shayne was in the band.

"What's your favorite Selfish Guarantees song?"

"Huh?"

And now his heart beat a little quicker. This was definitely a loaded question on his part, hoping a little too hard that maybe Shayne would say what Spencer wanted him to say.

"Which song is your favorite? What one do you like to play the most?"

"I think you know the answer to that."

"Back Against the Wall? Ain't No Rest—"

"Your song, Spencer. Shake Me Down."

It was a good thing Spencer had something else to concentrate on, namely driving a van down a dark highway in the rain; his reaction would have been a million times more embarrassing if he wasn't occupied.

"You're just saying that to be nice," Spencer said, barely loud enough to be heard.

"I'm really not."

"We've played it once on stage."

"Yeah, and it was fucking incredible."

Shayne's phone chose that exact moment to start buzzing, which thankfully took his attention off of Spencer momentarily. Spencer stared at the road stretching out before them, bathed in light until it was inevitably swallowed by darkness.

That was what he'd wanted Shayne to say, but he hadn't expected him to actually say it. Suddenly it felt like the whole world had shrunk down to this van, this road, this rain, this feeling that had started to take hold of Spencer and refused to let go.

"Damien says we're about halfway to that rest stop."

"Good to know."

Spencer couldn't let the subject drop yet—it would be easy to let this sentiment stay lodged in his chest, work around it, but this time, he just couldn't let that happen.

"Shayne?"

"Hmm?" Shayne muttered, still distracted by his phone.

"Thank you. I mean it." Spencer chanced a quick glance over, their eyes meeting for a few seconds before he looked back to the road. "That means more to me than you'll ever know."

Spencer grabbed his can of Kickstart and chugged the rest, crushing it in his hand and dropping it next to his seat. So much for having a moment, because he was the king of killing them.

"Your turn."

"All right. So this one may seem a little weird, but I genuinely want to hear what you have to say."

Spencer shrugged. "Sure man, go nuts."

"If you could offer someone advice about writing a song, what would you say?"

"You serious? I'm not a songwriting guru. Far from it," Spencer said, giggling a little.

"I'm serious. You've written more than I have."

"Is that what this is about? You want to write something?"

"I—well—yeah, maybe. I've been thinking about it." Shayne stuttered his way through his answer, and Spencer couldn't help but find it incredibly endearing.

"Well…in that case, give me a minute. I don't want to give you a half-assed answer."

Shayne yawned. "Wow, I'm honored."

"You should be."

Soon there was nothing but the gentle hum of the van and the tapping of the rain on the windshield.

Spencer thought about it. He thought about writing the lyrics to In One Ear in Damien's bedroom, the four of them crafting the perfect fuck you anthem, something that would give their band an identity right from the start. And it had. They knew who they were after that. Selfish Guarantees followed no rules. They wrote the music they wanted to play. They didn't put themselves in a box. They were telling their story and no one else's.

Spencer thought more. He thought about scribbling the words to Shake Me Down in his stupid composition notebook, tears in his eyes, his whole world falling apart around him. He wanted to tell a story—his story—about people constantly walking out of his life or letting him down again and again. And maybe he only had himself at the end of the day, but that was still worth something. Spencer wanted to share that feeling with anyone who cared to hear it.

"Okay, I have my answer."

Shayne said nothing.

Spencer peeked over at him and saw that his eyes were closed, arms folded across his midsection, almost like he was trying to hug himself for warmth.

Spencer sighed and smiled like the stupid lovestruck idiot he was. He reached down for his jean jacket and tried to spread it out one-handed, quickly looking back and forth between the road, the jacket, and Shayne. Spencer draped the jacket over Shayne as best he could while also not crashing the van, grabbed another Kickstart, and kept driving.

He thought he heard Shayne stir, and out of the corner of his eye, Spencer noticed that he had pulled the jacket closer, covering his body more than Spencer managed to. He felt something in his chest tighten and ignored it. Probably the cigarettes and energy drinks catching up to him anyway.

A little while later, Shayne's phone buzzed again and he flinched awake.

"Wow, I am…so sorry." Shayne's voice sounded groggy.

"Welcome back," Spencer said, echoing Shayne's words from earlier that day.

Shayne grabbed his phone. "We should start seeing signs for the rest stop according to Damien."

As soon as the words left his mouth, a green sign labeled Rest Stop popped into view. After a few more miles, Spencer was exiting the highway and approaching the end of the longest leg of the tour. He parked the van next to Tommy's car and turned it off.

"Here you go," Shayne said quietly.

Spencer turned and, for the first time in hours, really looked at Shayne. He held out Spencer's jacket.

"Oh, thanks," Spencer murmured, taking the jacket back. "Hope that wasn't weird. You just looked cold."

Shayne smiled. "No, not weird. It was…nice." He opened his door and hopped out of the van.

Once Shayne closed his door, Spencer paused to hug the jacket to his body, feeling the warmth and smelling the faint scent of citrus left behind. He dropped it next to his seat and got out.

After everyone said their cursory greetings to each other and stretched their legs, it was time to hastily put together their sleeping accommodations. All that amounted to was some memory foam mattress toppers, sleeping bags, and pillows piled in the back of the van.

Spencer was tired enough and cold enough that he didn't care about sleeping in his clothes, and it looked like Shayne was feeling the same way. Spencer wriggled into his sleeping bag as Shayne shut the back door and got situated himself. He lay on his back, completely encased in his sleeping bag, and felt the ridged floor of the van through the memory foam.

"Boy, this is gonna be real fun to sleep on for the next five days."

Shayne shifted in his sleeping bag to face Spencer. "We'll get used to it. Maybe."

Spencer looked up into the nothingness of the dark. "Sounds like the rain stopped at least."

"Mmmhmm," Shayne mumbled.

"Wait, don't fall asleep yet," Spencer said, looking over and seeing only the faint outline of Shayne's body next to him. "I have to tell you before I forget it."

"Tell me what?"

"My advice."

"Oh—" Shayne's voice suddenly sounded more clear and alert. "Yeah. Let's hear it."

Spencer took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. "Tell your story. Tell any story. The ones that matter to you. The ones that you think are worth telling." Spencer paused, waiting to see if Shayne would say anything. He was met with silence but continued on anyway, compelled to elaborate even if Shayne had already drifted off.

"When we wrote, when I wrote, it was to find some kind of identity. To find my place in a world that had already let me down too many times. I wanted someone to listen to my story, even if all they ever heard was the music and not the meaning behind it."

Spencer laid there, waiting for sleep to pull him under so he would stop talking.

"What if I have no story to tell?" Shayne whispered.

"You'll find one. Or maybe it'll find you." Spencer spoke the words just as quietly, like he was telling Shayne a secret.

"…Thank you, Spence."