Chapter Text
Crimson leaves fell from the trees like blood leaking from a wound. The trees guarded the graveyard, waving a warning to anyone that approached. But Jack did not heed their warning, why would he? Too many times he had died, too many times had he been resurrected with his friends dead around him. Moss covered graves stretched on, stories weaved in amongst the earth. Jack had lived a million stories, but he didn’t want to carry on, he wanted a story with Ianto.
Ianto, who had saved him more times than he could count. Ianto, who was always there for him. Ianto, who he never got to say goodbye to, not properly. The graves sat in neat little lines and rows, hundreds of people buried here.
Autumn had snuck its claws in this street, deep red and orange hues. It was a beauty that Jack couldn't save. The thing about living forever is you have all the time in the world to notice the beauties, but he couldn't focus on that right now. The early morning chill made him shiver and the grey clouds above shivered with him.
Jack remembered the first moment he had seen Ianto.
Eyes were the main center of the soul, and Jack could tell any man’s personality by their eyes. But Iantos. Ianto was a mystery to him. Pain. That was what was behind those eyes, even that much was apparent. And his eyes were so much older than the rest of him.
Those striking blue eyes that were etched into his mind, and it forever will be.
Jack weaved his way through the graves, some freshly dug and some old. But the path was familiar to him like he had walked this path too many times. He then crouched in front of a darkening grave, and read the words etched on.
On his headstone read:
Ianto Jones
1983-2009
Gone but not forgotten
Jack went on his two knees and began to talk. He talked a lot when he was here. Talking about things he never said. Sometimes the heaviest words are the unspoken ones. And Jack needn't have said he loved Ianto. But he did.
“The world had forced you to grow up so fast that you were so young when you died. You were too young to suffer over what happened with Lisa. With anything. You shouldn't have been involved with Torchwood, and I never should have recruited you, although you recruited yourself at that point. You begged to join and honestly how could I say no? You looked so cute in a suit.”
He chuckled. Careful sir, that's harassment. He remembered that day.
“I'm sorry. I let you down. And how could I ever forget you? In a million years from now, I will still hear your laughter, and the feel of you wrapped around me. No. This world was blessed by your presence, and it has not been kind to you. I thought I was just someone to take your mind off all the pain, I never thought you could love me back.”
Jack swallowed hard, grief still rampant inside him despite the fact that Ianto Jones had already left long ago. Too long. Jack should have already died long, long ago. With his lover by his side. It was his first time wearing his coat since the funeral. He didn't attend it. Not really. He hadn't been man enough to face his sister or say goodbye to his body. Ianto had got it for him in that warehouse after his old one had been destroyed.
Slipping his hand in the pocket, Jack felt a thin material stuffed and folded neatly inside. It felt almost like paper, which fluttered out in the effort to retrieve it and landed on the ground. Jack’s heart skipped a beat as he recognised the neat, fancy writing. Scooping it off the ground before it could get wet, Jack closed his eyes for a minute, preparing himself.
He began to read.
Dear Jack,
If at this point, you are reading this letter, it means I am dead, and you will not be.
His eyes unconsciously filled with tears once again when he realised what this was. A goodbye letter. Jack had never given himself the pleasure of expressing his grief, especially since he had to stay strong for his team. Oh god. What team? Everyone was gone. Dead or elderly.
I’m sorry, I’m so very sorry. Here I am writing this as a fail safe, even though you are sitting just across the warehouse from me, and if you're reading this then in just possibly a few short hours, I'll be dead.
Oh Ianto. Please don't do this to me. Jack sank to his knees in front of the grave, clouds parting and drizzling rain onto his body, reflecting off the tombstone. I can't read this. He knew he was going to die. Why did I let him come with me? I'm invincible, immortal, but he's so fragile and young. God, he was young wasn't he? This letter was going to say goodbye, and if Jack finally did it would feel like he was dead. Gone. He carried on reading, hands shaking the paper.
You’ll see me again, I don't know how or when, but I have a feeling goodbyes aren’t forever. I hate goodbyes. I never know what to say or how to say it, how do I express the feelings I have at this moment? It’s inevitable, I’m not going to stay young forever. Hell, we both know you will, you’ll stay my dashing hero for a long time, won’t you? And you were my hero, don’t forget that.
I remember back with Owen and Tosh, when Torchwood found out about Lisa. Back then I was so broken. It felt like drowning, eventually the cold stopped biting and it all became numb and so distant, water filling my ears so everything blocked out. It felt like that a lot. It was so hard to keep afloat, and most days, I didn’t want to. Some days I let the waters wash over me until everything was calm, and the waters washed away all feeling, the raging storm within me softened and died. Some days I was completely submerged. I felt so much I decided to feel nothing. And I returned to my duties as the receptionist, cleaning up everyone's messes, and honestly, I was fulfilled with bringing everyone's tea like a good teaboy, as Owen would put it. But then I wanted more, days merged together until the same repetitive pictures played like a broken record. You're the one who gave me more.
And if Tosh were still here, I would tell her thank you. I think she understood what it was really like after what happened with Mary, and we had each other for a time. I never did get to say goodbye, maybe I will someday. But you. You are the one that pulled me from the river, it was you.
Jack let the tears run freely.
I remember when you left, but more importantly, when you came back. I thought you were gone, and then you weren’t. I didn’t know how to navigate our new relationship, I was all new to it, a long time had passed since me and Lisa were together. And you, you were a man. Remember that day you recruited me, or I begged to join? I was still grieving over Lisa, so worried that when the time came, I wouldn't be strong enough to save her. And I wasn’t.
And the moment after Tosh and Owen had died, you were the one comforting me, and it was in your arms I realised, It’s not all men. Just you, only you.
I loved you. I still love you. And I have never said it cause you're Jack. I didn't think you could love someone like me back.
I have always hated the quote: ‘It’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.’ Losing someone is hard. I don’t think I need to remind you of that.
And sir, goodbyes aren’t forever,
-Ianto Jones
Jack folded the letter back up carefully, and placed it back in his coat pocket. The rain had since disappeared, leaving as quickly as it came. He stood up, face hardening up to that rock hard disguise he so often wore.
“I was so desperate, I searched for every possible solution, first to bring you back to life, and then to end my suffering just so I could be with you. I thought, maybe the Doctor would sweep me up and let me save you. But there was nothing he could do. Suzie said there was nothing beyond this, but I've lived so much I don't want to anymore. The first time I discovered this, this curse. I try so hard to rid myself of it. I did everything. Threw myself off buildings and got shot more times than I could count. But something kept bringing me back and by god I'm tired. How long will I have to go on like this? I thought that maybe one of these deaths would be my last. But it wasn't. I just wanted to leave all of this. I wanted to die so badly it hurt, and it still does. I don't think I'm ever going to finally get that peace of just slipping away and not having to hurt so much.”
It hurt. It hurt so much to say this. And Jack could only wish that somehow, somewhere, Ianto was listening
“Eventually I got over it but there were moments. When you died I thought: I cannot bear to carry on for eternity without you. And I don't think I can. I haven't loved anyone as much as you. And I'm sorry I left with the Doctor but it was for the best, though it never felt right. That's why I came back. For you. And although I never told you, it was all you. I love you so much I never said it. I couldn't. I never had, for anyone. I don't commit to relationships, but ours was different and although it may have looked like I knew what I was doing, I didn't. I really didn't. When I came back after disappearing, I was so nervous because I had a year to think about us. A year. And I knew I wanted to take our relationship further. I just didn't know how to. I love you. I love you so much and I wish I said that to you in your last moments but I was even hesitant to say it then. Because then it would really mean a goodbye. And I hate goodbyes. Why prolong the inevitable?”
Jack stood up, breathing deep and muscles groaning due to the cramped position they had spent locked in. The early morning perked through the clouds, and this time Jack admired it
“I love you Ianto Jones.” He whispered, pressing a quick kiss to the cold stone grave.
He walked away. He had said his goodbye. And so had Ianto.
The sun was in the sky. Hope shone through. Jack could only hope that it was Ianto spreading those colours above, that he had found a way to say goodbye. But then again, goodbyes aren’t forever, someday they will find each other again.
Hopefully.