Work Text:
On a regular Friday, Amo was suddenly summoned to Corvus’ office. Amo didn’t think she was in any trouble. She maybe fudged the occasional form here and there, but she’d done nothing that would have gotten her sent to the “principal’s office”. (Or at least that’s what Riyo called it with a coy ‘ooooooh someone’s in trouble’ when Semiu came to get her. But to be completely honest, she didn’t know what a principal was.)
Uncle Corvus was one of Amo’s top ten favorite people, so she wasn’t scared when he sat her down on his couch. Initially, Corvus simply asked Amo how she’d been doing. Checking in that she felt comfortable and safe with the Cleaners, that she likes the job, and if she had any problems. Amo nodded enthusiastically! She was so very happy, surrounded by so many wonderful friends. The job was…okay most of the time. A little dull every now and again. No one has ever claimed that filing reports is fun, but even in that area, Semiu and Tomme helped her come up with strategies to keep her entertained and her mind stimulated while she was working.
She then said that Auntie Semiu was very patient with her, even when she could tell Semiu was a bit frustrated. She was very appreciative of the opportunity to work with the cleaners. She rambled on about working with Eishia in the infirmary, or modeling the cute clothes August made in his free time, or when she and Rudo would go hang around Canvas Town for the day. She felt she was getting more courageous as well. She explained all of this to Corvus, with little unprompted interruption. He just smiled kindly, in the way that made Amo feel like she could tell him just about anything, and nodded along. Corvus even chuckled at some of her ramblings.
After a few more exchanges of pleasantries, Corvus finally revealed the real reason why he wanted to talk to her. He spoke delicately, as if what he was about to say was fine china, when he told her that the Cleaners were going to begin the process of destroying the tower in Penta. The tower where she resided for most of her life. Where she resided before the fateful day when she met Rudo and the others.
The world got buzzy around Amo as she processed. Corvus explained a couple more things she hadn’t fully really heard before he told her he understood if she didn’t want the tower destroyed. He assured that if she held any reservations, he’d cancel the project. Though the legalise of “home”-ownership was rather loose on the Ground, if the tower had any technical owner, it would be Amo.
Amo…didn’t know. Amo wanted to know. Wanted to say yes without hesitation. But she didn’t. Instead, she just stared blankly. Corvus didn’t prod or even say another word, just waited for Amo to ground herself. Amo was embarrassed, too, because just moments earlier, she was bragging about how courageous she’d been feeling.
But she took a couple of breaths and took a moment to deliberate. What did she want? Amo scratched her boots a couple of times, tapping on the heel, hoping they’d give her the answer. She remembered the smell of the tower. She envisioned the claustrophobic amount of clutter. How irritated she would get when the dirty floors remained dusty no matter how much she swept them. Amo had tried to avoid thinking about those sensations. She didn’t like thinking about the tower or the memories she had from back then. Memories Amo wished she could just push down into the back of her mind and out of her soul.
Amo gave a small smile, unsure, but made an attempt. Amo nodded and said simply, ‘Yes.’ Asserting that she’d be fine. The Cleaners had her full permission and support to destroy the tower.
-
Amo kept it to herself for a while. She figured Semiu, some of the supporters (like Gris and Tomme), and probably that blonde bastard were aware. Along with a few other adults, but for the most part, there was very little chatter about it. If she thought about it, Corvus probably asked out of courtesy to her feelings, which only made her feel bad. But she shouldn’t feel bad! The tower was going to be destroyed, and she was with the Cleaners now, so it would be fine. She was happy! She really was. So, she tried to bury the uncomfortable feelings in her stomach. The kind of feelings that made her want to barf.
She especially didn’t want to tell Rudo. Rudo was her dearest, closest, most special friend in the whole wide world. In a normal case, Amo would have no problem confiding in him what was on her mind. Usually, she did so easily, but a part of her felt guilty. Amo couldn’t really figure out why, but it’s how she felt.
Besides, when Amo was upset, Rudo had a bit of a habit of becoming overly worried. His concern was sweet, it really was, but Amo didn’t want to distract him. Especially when there had been an increased amount of trash storms recently. Talking to him and distracting him would not help the guilty feel, as Amo felt every time she thought of him. There was a lot of work to be done!.
Amo thought she was holding it together really well until one day, while helping her bestest friend, Eishia, in the infirmary, she all of a sudden threw up for real! Luckily, she made it to the wastebasket instead of vomiting in the poor supporter's hair. Amo wasn’t the greatest healer of hearts yet (and she was working hard at it), but she usually didn’t get sick while attending patients.
“They’re destroying the tower,” she told Eishia (and Riyo, who had stopped by to talk to Eishia about something else but quickly noticed that there was something serious going on) while they sat in the empty infirmary. “The tower Amo used to live in,” she clarified.
Despite her resistance, Amo felt herself begin to cry wet, messy tears. Eishia rubbed her back softly.
“Uncle Corvus asked Amo if she was okay with it, and she really was! She was! She promises! But now Amo’s getting all these bad feelings. And these memories.” Amo’s voice broke before she started talking harshly, stilted, frustratedly, above the whisper she was before, “They keep disturbing Amo when she didn’t want them to! Amo wants to focus on being better, and the now. But she can’t stop feeling like something’s stepped on her heart.”
“Oh, Amo,” Riyo replied in a whisper, voice full of sympathy as Amo cried into the balled up palms of her hands. “I’m sorry.”
“That must be hard,” Eisha said, her fingers methodically still rubbing the small of her back. It soothed her a little, which Amo appreciated. “I’m glad you’re talking to us about it, though. It’s no good to keep these things bottled up.”
“Have you talked to Rudo about it?” Riyo asked.
Amo shook her head, her long front hair dangles, brushing against her chest. “Amo doesn’t want to worry him. You’ve all been so busy.”
“I don’t think he’d find it a bother at all. You’re never a bother to him,” Riyo reassured, biting her tongue to not mention that Rudo is going to be thinking about Amo while on the job, no matter what she says or does. (The other day, he almost got knocked out by some flying debris because Follo offhandedly mentioned her name.) However, it wasn’t the time to expose Rudo or tease Amo.
“Amo knows that,” Amo says as she once again rubbed her boots. Hoping they’d grant her the grace of guidance, “or at least she thinks she does. But Amo really didn’t want to make a big deal out of it.”
“But Amo, it is a big deal to you.” Eishia replied cautiously, careful not to overstep, her words became a bit more anxiously hurried, “and that’s okay, you know! I still struggle sometimes thinking about going to my grandma's because kids around there used to pick on me all the time. When I think about going back there, I get butterflies in my stomach. All of a sudden, I feel nervous again, like I’m still there. But then it’s hard because, of course, I love my grandma, so I want to think of her and the memories I have in her home. And then I feel horrible for feeling sad and anxious about something she cares so much about. I know it’s not quite the same thing as what you’ve gone through, but I know what it’s like to feel conflicted about a place or memory that holds such complicated feelings wrapped within it .”
“Thanks, Eishia,” Amo says, wiping her tears away.
“What do you want to do? I’m sure there’s still time to ask the boss man to change plans if he was willing to before he asked you.” Riyo suggested
“No, Amo is really fine with the tower being destroyed,” she sniffs, “but maybe…maybe I need to say goodbye.”
“You want to go back?” Riyo questioned
“Yeah. I think Amo needs to say goodbye to the tower. She never got the chance. So maybe now…”
Amo heard the clock tick against the wall a couple of times. No one said a word. She knew Eishia and Riyo were having some sort of conversation with just their eyes. Eventually, Riyo gave her a determined and steady look with a nod. “Okay.”
“Okay?” Amo asked.
“Yeah. Okay. Let’s go say goodbye.”
-
Despite Riyo’s consistent consultation to tell Rudo about her plans to go back to Penta, to the tower, Amo remained adamant that she didn't want to tell him. When Riyo asked why, she couldn't articulate it. And when Riyo noticed that she was distressed when she couldn't give an answer, she would ease off.
Amo had returned to Corvus' office, this time with Eishia and Riyo for support, and they asked if it was okay if Amo went before the demolition began. Corvus, of course, gave his full support and apologized for any unease Amo felt after their first meeting.
Amo told him she didn't want to make a big deal out of it, which Corvus understood and agreed they'd keep it under wraps. The plan became that Tomme, who would be the supporter Amo was most comfortable with, would drive the girls to the tower, under the guise of a work trip.
Semiu was quickly brought on to finalize all info and devise a safe driving route. Going into a No Man's Land, even with Riyo in the car, wasn't something to do unprepared.
The inner circle for "Project Goodbye" was supposed to be just these six. (Amo, Riyo, Eishia, Tomme, Corvus, Semiu) However, one night during a meeting, Fu happened to overhear the whole plan. Amo didn't think it would be too big a problem.
Especially after Amo and Riyo cornered him against the wall and ordered him to keep his mouth shut. (and Eishia kindly asked). Terrified for his life, Fu nodded.
A week after Amo initially broke down to Riyo and Eishia, the three of them piled into Tomme’s car. Riyo sat in the passenger seat, while Eishia sat in the back seat with Amo.
There was no real reason for Eishia to come with them; Tomme was driving, and Riyo was there for protection. Amo told Eishia that if she had work to do, it was fine if she didn’t want to come, but Eishia told her she wanted to help. “You're my friend, Amo.” Eishia explained, “And when I see my friends in distress, I want to do something to help. I might not be able to do much for you, but I’d just feel anxious and distracted all day worrying over you.”
Amo couldn’t argue with that, and she didn’t want to either. As the car rumbled against the rugged roads of the ground, Eishia placed a hand on Amo’s shoulder. Repeating the rubbing motions from the other day. Amo was grateful for her, and because of Eishia’s grounding touch, Amo felt that her mind didn’t drift all that much. She stared out the car window, watching the nothingness roll by. The tension in the car was high. Amo didn’t know what to say, and no one else did either. Amo couldn’t help but feel like she was doing something incredibly pointless. Just a burden she placed on the people she cared about. Forcing them to go out of the way to alleviate a pain that Amo should be rid of by now. Because she was safe with them. Why couldn’t she have just been grateful for that?
After hours of driving and, thankfully, a complete avoidance of trash beasts, Tomme stopped the car.
“Alright’ Tomme spoke, turning the engine off, “We made it, safe and sound.”
Tomme and Riyo exited the car and opened the back doors so Amo and Eishia could exit. Amo closed her eyes as she stepped out of the car, her boots touching the desert ground. She took hobbled steps forward, letting her vital instrument guide her. She didn’t want to see it yet; she had to prepare herself.
A deep breath in, a deep breath out. Amo raised her head towards the sky and opened her orange, lamb-like eyes. It was so much taller than she remembered. The gray stone brick was held up by trash and mud. The round obelisk that rose to the sky. She remembered the first time she was brought here. She was tinier then. So why did it feel all the more daunting now?
Amo knelt down and dragged her fingers across the entrance steps, the cement cold and quickly causing dirt to get under her nails.
“Amo?” Riyo said with the clear intention of asking what was on her mind, what she wanted to do. Eishia and Tomme stood patiently next to the redhead. She could see Tomme look at her with eyes filled with empathy and concern. (Some may even call it a maternal or sisterly worry)
Amo stood up and fully turned to face her friends. A small smile on her face. It wasn’t for her, or how she felt. And everyone who could see it knew it. A smile for them so they’d stop looking so somber or worried. So they knew that despite everything, Amo was going to be just fine, “Amo’s going to head up now.”
“Do you want us to come with?” Tomme asked.
Amo shook her head, “No, Amo thinks she needs to do this part alone.”
“Are you sure? It might help to have someone there.” Eishia replied, her hands wringing against each other.
“Amo’s sure.”
“Alright.” Riyo nodded, running her hand through her red hair before patting Amo on the head, “But if you need us, come get us. Even if you're at the top, scream for us, and we’ll come be there for you. Got it.”
“Got it!” Amo agreed, pumping her fist in faux confidence, “Amo promises she’ll come get you. Thanks for coming this far with her.”
“Of course,” Tomme said, her worry not alleviating in the slightest.
“Will keep guard out here, so do whatcha gotta do.”
Amo waved to her friends as she turned around and placed one boot after the other up the stairs. And boy! There were a lot of them. Stairs all the way to the top, spiralling around. Spiralling, and spiralling. Why would someone make a building this tall? And so spirally. There was so little decoration, too. The walls at Cleaners HQ were almost entirely covered in spray paint and sketch marks. A corner without graffiti was unfinished. The tower didn’t waste time on that sort of beauty. In the craftsmanship of the architecture of the obelisk itself, maybe. But beyond that, there was nothing to call true art. Amo didn’t realize she had such an appreciation for it. But it turns out she did.
There were multiple floors in the tower, but Amo never really spent time on them. Mister didn’t like her ‘snooping’ around. Besides her ‘room’ at the top was all she ever needed to be. All things considered, Amo never really walked up and down these stairs too much, because if she went down, it would mean she was going to leave. And she never did that. Mister didn’t want her to, and he convinced her that neither did she.
One time, when Amo was really little, she decided she wanted to explore while Mister was away. She had found a room of strange substances she didn’t recognize at the time. She thought they might be edible, but she knew not to eat things she didn’t know what they were. That’s how the witch poisoned that Snow White girl. However, she was so invested in her exploration that Mister had come back home. And when he…when he found her in this room, he was so angry. Amo apologized and apologized, saying she was curious, but Mister continued to yell and hit her. Until he told her she owed him now for not being grateful enough. And that he forgives her, of course (which was really hard to believe because he was still pulling her hair), and that he demanded she prove how sorry Amo really was. In the “special” way he taught her. Those special rituals of love...that time…that time he bit her so hard she bled. It really hurt, and it hurt for months after, but every time Amo cried when he touched the mark, he said it was a reminder of the lesson she learned.
The memory seeped into her mind as she found that room again. It was somewhere in the middle levels of the tower. Like a tar pit, she felt herself sinking into it, felt her knees shake. The piercings on her thighs felt ever-present. She shook her head erratically, trying to get rid of that memory. The room was empty now. Whatever substances were kept in the room had either been sold or raided (or both), and now it was just empty. She felt sweat drip from her head. She had to keep going. She had to try. She had to say goodbye.
“Amo can do this, he’s gone, so Amo can do this,” Amo mumbled to herself as she forced herself to look away from that room.
“Amooooo,” a voice in the back of her head called out, menacingly. But it was fake, a ghost, so she tried to ignore all the shivers down her spine.
No one had touched the tower since she was abducted from it all that time ago. When she reached the top floor, everything was the same, preserved perfectly like a crime scene. All the room was missing was yellow tape and a chalked outline of a body, and it would perfectly fit the bill.
Corvus had mentioned that before the Cleaners took over the project, the Hellguard had been investigating do to the tower’s trafficking roots. So it made sense that nothing was moved.
There was a mix of the clutter on the floor from before and the signs of the struggle from when she was taken. Books she had neatly put away fell to the floor. None of the books was the novel she read now. All of them were books for little kids. Mister said acting young suited her better, so very little of her stuff in the tower reflected her age or her interests. She’d much prefer romance novels to these kindergarten-level fairy tales.
A book on the floor caught her attention. A girl in a red cloak. “Little Red Riding Hood.” Mister always hated that one. He told Amo that the story's lesson was all wrong. Amo didn't know what the lesson was supposed to be, but when she asked Mister, he never explained. She flipped through the pages. Amo looked at the depiction of the wolf. That poor girl, Amo always got so scared for her. Even though she knew the girl would be saved, Amo still got scared for her. It must've been dark in that wolf's stomach. She didn't know what was happening to her. As much as Mister hated it, so did Amo. She shuddered as she looked at the picture of the little girl trapped inside the dark stomach of the wolf. What if she couldn’t have gotten out? Amo closed the picture book slowly after that.
Amo decided to clean up all the mess on the floor as best she could. It would save the Cleaners a headache later. Maybe, as she cleaned, she’d find that there were some treasures she could bring back. Rudo might be able to use something for the future, or even give it a whole new life or purpose. That’s what Rudo did. He fixed things.
Rudo.
Rudo.
Rudo.
She’d have to tell Rudo about this if she gave him any sort of object. She wondered what he’d say. She kept thinking about Rudo as she put the books on the shelves. Amo thought about his pretty but still messy white hair. His weird, awkward, unnatural smile. So him, so true. But any moment of comfort she felt thinking of him was squandered by the guilt. Amo was starting to understand why as she thought about Rudo. Amo should feel guiliter.
The storybooks were nice and decent quality, all things considered. However, she didn’t think Rudo had much use for them. A book wouldn’t make a very powerful tool for Rudo. Maybe they would have some use to Eishia, but it was very rare for little kids to come into her care. So she figured she’d leave them and ask the Cleaners to decide.
She moved on to the wardrobe. It was a low bar and a discredit to him, but August made such nicer clothes. The dresses were well-made, and they may even be cute. But they were so doll-like. Like she was just something to dress up. Sure! She played dress up a lot with August, but he always designed with Amo in mind. And it was always fun. If she was uncomfortable, Amo would ask someone else or change it up. These clothes, Mister would always just shred. Amo can’t even remember wearing them for all to long. After Mister had his initial indulgence in whatever she wore, they would be gone. And she would be back to wearing her old black “dress”.
She shuddered thinking about the ugly thing. Amo was lucky August never saw it. He would’ve fainted from the sheer shock. She giggled, thinking about it, as August threw a fit over the lack of tact.
There was nothing good here, either treasure-wise. All she could think of was how weird she looked when she wore them. Rudo could make a tool out of clothes. She’d seen it, but she didn’t think these dolly dresses would fit (or suit him. They weren’t his style.). The fabric was also tainted and torn. Even August couldn’t patch together an outfit. He certainly would object to it.
All the food was bad. The sweets Mister showered her with had all become rotten. Some of which were unwrapped. Her stuffed animal collection could be good. Mister always gave her such gifts. “Tokens” of his affection. Apologies for leaving her alone. To be honest, the stuffed animals were better company. Though she didn’t realize she felt that way till now. Because she.
Because she...she hated him. No. She loved him. No. No. She looked at the stone table in the middle of the room. Where the wide hole used to shine perfectly, and she could see the floating Heaven circle the sky. No. Her eyes twitched. It was all so much more complicated than that.
The hole in the room mimicked a window, but was actually just a busted section of the wall. Gaping and large, but it had no frame or form. Just a large piece that gaped in the high sky. She couldn’t see heaven today. Which she knew now was actually a floating hell. The sphere. Mister always said that when they could see it in the sky, they should perform especially well.
Her heart would beat so fast, which he said was love. Love for him, and love for heaven. But heaven couldn’t have possibly known. Rudo told her that on the Sphere, they didn’t know about the ground at all.
So it was all for nothing. But angels did exist. They visited her once. She walked towards the open window. If she looked down, she could see blobby figures at the bottom, which she recognized as Riyo, Eishia, and Tomme. This is also how Mister died. After the angels came. After it happened, after she pushed him, Amo was conversing with her boots. Getting acquainted with all the things they helped her realize. So she didn’t look at where he fell, splat to the ground. It hurt too much. Because that was her first…something. But one day she dared to look down, and the body was gone. Amo threw up then, too. Maybe some bad men came to loot the body. Mister knew a lot of bad men. Or maybe he was eaten by a trash beast, or he just decomposed.
Amo kept walking towards the window opening. Standing at the edge. The angel came that day. She wondered why he came. Why did they leave? Why did they choose her? Why did the boots suit her better? Who were they? Rudo said that the angel might’ve done something really horrible. That he was the one who took a very important person from her. He said this, not blaming her for a minute. She just didn’t know if she could handle that if it was true. Another sin imposed on her. The angels came, and then they were gone. They had given her salvation with boots, but what for? It wasn’t gone, it was all still there. Nothing had changed. She was still the same girl.
“Then you can experience discouragement”.
The angel had left her. He had given her a great gift, a gift she treasured so dearly. But still she was so…so scared and alone.
Amo should ask Corvus not to destroy the tower; she should remember where she came from. The story of her life. It wasn’t a cute fairy tale. Amo may have been out of the wolf's belly, but Amo couldn’t forget it. No matter how much she tried. Or should. It was still there, refusing to recognize what she now has.
And she’d deserve it because she had let…didn’t she love the wolf? Why did she do this? Any of this? Why’d she come here, make her friends come here?
Stupid. Pointless. Stupid. This feeling. L’appel du vide. Amo felt the control of her soul leave her boots and surpass her body. Rising as the angel had. She felt her eyes wash over. Something trailed down her cheeks. Stupid. Pointless. Useless. Brat. Whore.
“Amo!!!!!!!!”
Amo’s trance was broken when she heard her name being called out, followed by shoes sliding to a stop and a “kthunk” sound.
She recognized the voice instantly. How could she not? It was her number 1 favorite person.
Rudo had seemingly charted up the tower stairs at a record pace, only to crash and fall to the ground as he reached the top floor.
“Rudo!?!?!?!!” Amo exclaimed in surprise as she ran over to the collapsed boy on the floor.
“Amo,” he huffed as he regained his composure and breath. Pushing himself off his stomach and quickly standing to meet Amo at eye level.
“Rudo?” Amo blinked a couple of times. And then poked his face. A couple more times.
“Amo. I am real.”
Amo poked him a couple more times, mapping out his face, “Woah! You are!”
“I am.” He assured. “You’re crying.”
Amo hadn’t noticed. It made sense with how she was feeling, but she hadn’t really registered. Now staring at Rudo, looking her over up and down, checking if she was somehow hurt. Some may argue in a way, she was. The thing she was really trying to register was how Rudo was even here. “Rudo”
Amo broke Rudo out of his check over, “Yes?”
“How are you real?”
“Oh,” Rudo said, but before he could respond, the answer revealed himself as a raccoon-shaped boy. Peaking through the arch entrance of the room. A raccoon, squirrly boy, who was gasping for air like he needed an inhaler. Seemingly, he had chased Rudo to the top. “Fu. Told me.” Rudo pointed.
“FU!!!” Amo exclaimed angrily.
“WHAT ARE YOU YELLING AT ME FOR?!!?” Fu shouted back, voice anxious and wavering, “YOU WERE THE ONE WHO TRUSTED ME WITH A SECRET!”
“AMO EXPLICITLY TOLD YOU NOT TO TELL ANYONE IN THE FORM OF AN ORDER!!! I TOLD YOU ESPECIALLY NOT TO TELL RUDO!”
“‘Especially’ not me?” Rudo pointed to himself, shocked and maybe even a little offended. Unfortunately, he was currently the quietest person in the room.
“THAT IS NOT SUREFIRE!!! I AM NOT A LOCKED VAULT, MISS. AMO! Rudo then ordered me to tell him!” Fu gasped for air, a mix of the yelling and uphill running, “BESIDES I TRIED TO STOP HIM!”
“What’s even going on, Amo? Why did you sneak off?” Rudo asked. “Why didn’t you wanna tell me?” he mumbled quieter. But Amo heard. Amo’s anger lessened at the mumble. She shook off her anger. This sometimes happened after she was under a lot of stress and anxiety. Unexplicable, unfilterable explosive rage.
“You don’t know what’s going on?” Amo asked carefully, feeling incredibly self-conscious. That was embarrassing. Rudo shook his head no. “But you still came?”
“Of course. You’ve been acting off all month. But you weren’t telling me anything. Or talking to me at all honestly. I was worried.”
“Oh,” Amo said. Of course, Rudo had noticed. Amo thought she was being so coy and slick with how she was feeling, but Rudo had seen right through her.
“I didn’t want to press, though. But then Fu told me, after I berated him, that you had left for Penta…”
“I must say, Miss. Amo. He was very scary. And demanding!” Fu added. Interrupting Rudo. Amo snapped her head to him.
“AND YOU DIDN’T EXPLAIN ANYTHING?!?!”
“HE WAS SO FAST!!!” Fu cried, defending himself. “SO FAST! If anything, I tried to stop him! Hii almost had to come out!”
“You're useless, Fu,” Amo gritted.
“I know...” Fu responded with a sad smile, lowering his head in shame. “I failed, I’m sorry.”
But now that she was looking at him, Fu didn’t look all that sorry. Fu must’ve been worried, too. Split between keeping the secret and making sure she was okay. Despite his defensiveness and the shouting match, what a very cruel thing to say to her friend.
“Sorry, Amo is just frustrated. She didn’t mean that. You’re a very good friend. And very helpful.” Fu smiled at this, “But we will be talking about this later.”
“Understood,” Fu saluted.
“You can leave now.” A clearly miffed and irritated by the interruption Rudo interjected.
“Right,” Fu saluted again, “I’ll give you two the room. Beside. I disobeyed Riyo too, and she looked surprised and or angry as we ran by. So I should apologize.”
“Thanks, Fu,” Amo said as Fu turned around and left, and she meant it.
“Okay, but seriously, what’s going on?” Rudo’s voice redirected Amo’s gaze back towards him. Trying to get them back on topic.
Amo looked at the ground for a moment. Kicking her boots against the brick floor. Amo felt like she was on trial, which was unfair to Rudo, who was trying to be so uncharacteristically restrained and disciplined. He sounded hurt and strangely nervous. Amo felt guilty. Just like she knew she would in this moment. She already did, but now it was just all worse. But when she looked up into Rudo’s red eyes, a thousand emotions reflected in them, she had to tell him the truth. He deserved that much.
“So.” Amo fiddled with her fingers before looking Rudo directly in the eye. “Uncle Corvus called Amo into his office, like threeish maybe four weeks ago, and told her they were going to destroy her tower. And he asked if she was fine with it, and Amo said she was, and she was. She really was, or so she thought, but then Amo felt all weird and queasy, and all these old memories filled her mind. She felt bad about that, so she pushed them deep, deep down where they belonged, but they didn’t listen. She threw up and Eishia saw and Riyo came to talk to Eishia while she was talking to Amo, so then Riyo saw. And they had a girl talk on the infirmary bed where Amo said she wanted to say goodbye. So Riyo and Eishia helped me arrange an opportunity to return and say goodbye to her tower before it was destroyed.” Her words were frenzied and clunky. Probably not the most concise explanation, or the most decipherable or clear. She spoke so fast, at 15 words per second, but all of a sudden it was out there.
Amo had closed her eyes while she confessed. Easier to get it out if she didn’t have to look at Rudo while she did it. She slowly opened one eye after moments of silence. Maybe Rudo didn’t hear or understand. It would make sense if he didn’t. She spoke so fast she barely understood herself. But when she opened her eyes slowly, Rudo’s expression was unreadable. And Amo usually felt like she could read him pretty well.
“Rudo?” Before Amo could say much more, Rudo wrapped his arms around her. Soft and warm, his gloves wringing against her back. Amo let out a little gasp before she slotted herself against his chest. She dug her face into his neck in a bit. This was nice. Too nice for the situation and all she had done. But she couldn’t resist being a little selfish. Rudo always brought that out of her.
He just held her, and Amo started crying again. She didn’t mean to but she couldn’t help it. She was safe, and then she was in danger, and now she was safe again.
Rudo. Her Rudo.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Rudo asked after a while. Amo pushed away from him a bit to look up at him.
Oh. Yeah. Why didn’t she?
“Am I really that unreliable?” Rudo asked, before Amo could answer. Amo was about to shake her head. Rudo? Unreliable? Never. That was far from the issue, but he then said something that shook her to the core. “Or did you not want me here because of last time?”
“Last time?” Amo tilted her head. What was he talking about?
“Y’know. How I treated you when you met.” Rudo explained. His eyes locked onto a spot on the floor. A spot that has a little dried, painted blood splatter. She felt his fists clench at her back.
Amo quickly put the pieces together, eyes widening. As she saw a fist flash towards her face.
“No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!” Amo reassured, pushing him fully away (a bit of a mixed signal, but she had to make sure he could see her expression so he knew how much it was a ‘no’) If she said a million no’s Rudo would understand that was far from the reason for her reluctance to tell him, “it’s not like that at all! Amo didn’t even think about it until you just now brought it up.”
“Oh. Good. That’s good.”
“This is why. Amo didn’t want you to see all this.”
“All what?” Rudo asked. He looked around the room. “What am I missing?” But his question was answered when Amo pointed at herself. This time, he tilted his head. If Amo was in a better headspace; she would’ve thought it was cute.
“Amo didn’t want Rudo to think she was still…not fixed,” Amo admitted, her voice breaking. Finally able to articulate that she wasn’t able to tell Riyo or Eishia, or Tomme. “That Amo still thinks of this place. It’s still with her. No matter how much you’ve helped or tried. I didn’t want you to feel bad that you hadn’t fixed her yet. Or that maybe she actually missed how it was before and she actually hated you. I didn’t want you to think your hands weren’t enough. Not because they’re weak. But because Amo is. That despite everything…Amo…Amo is still here.”
Oh great. Amo was crying again. She went to wipe her tears, but Rudo grabbed her hand, enclapsing them.
“Is that how you think I view you?” Rudo’s voice wavered a bit. He was clearly expecting any other answer, not that one. His mind rushed for the best possible way to rectify this.
Amo was about to nod, yes, but Rudo stopped her, “Because I don’t! It’s not like that at all. I don’t hang out or care about you because I think you're repaired?! That I’ve somehow repaired you. Look at me!!!” He let go of her hands (didn’t mean to) to gesture to himself, “I’m not ‘fixed’ or whatever. I’m me. And I’m a mess all of the time, I’m not good at talking or feeling or smiling or complicated math or y’know most things normal people can do. I suck at it. I don’t care that you’ve got demons or whatever, I’ve got plenty of them myself.”
“Rudo...”
“No! I’m not done! If I stop, I’ll mess it up!” Rudo told her, “Just, please don’t think you owe me some sort of ‘fixed’ persona or anyone really. I know why you think that, but if you’re feeling bad about bad stuff that happened to you or bad things you might’ve done or the uncomfortable things you’ve gone through, and how you're still thinking about them, just tell me. I won’t be upset at you. Maybe other people in the stories, but not you. Never you. This place is a shithole for sure, and it should’ve never happened, but still it’s a piece of you.”
Rudo grabbed her hand again, his face a little red, “Because I like you as you are.”
Amo didn’t know what to say to that. If it were a different moment or location, she might’ve kissed him. Instead, she just stared at him, mouth agape. Trying to find any words to follow that up. Amo felt like a wire had just been unplugged. Something that used to make so much sense to her, a feeling so essential to her core she couldn’t even explain it, all of a sudden made no sense at all. And Rudo. Oh Rudo. Riyo was right. She should’ve just talked to him.
“Amo can talk about this stuff with you?”
“Well, I mean, yeah. And it doesn’t have to be just me.” Rudo clarified awkwardly, “Eishia or Riyo or anyone really, but you can talk to me too.”
“Amo likes you, so you’ll do just fine.” Amo told him with a smile, “Amo wants to say goodbye to the tower. Can you help her?”
“Yeah. Sure.”
<3
Amo talked about the memories and thoughts that were on her mind. Rudo helped her finish cleaning up as she told stories. They held hands for most of it. Rudo’s hands were always so warm. Like a door opening to an infinite number of rooms.
That was probably weird, but so was she.
Rudo sometimes got angry, but not at her. And for his credit, he did a good job holding himself back from demanding retribution for every wrong ever done against her. She told him it was okay that he was angry and upset. Because Amo was angry and upset too, and their being angry and upset together made her feel better.
Amo told Rudo all she was feeling about the “angel”, and Rudo said that he’d get all the answers she could ever want. He swore by it.
He told her they were right about one thing: the boots suited her better.
Amo cried a couple more times, but it was good to cry. She’d been keeping so much of this to herself for so long. Some of the stories weren’t all that sad. Amo occasionally talked about happy memories at the Cleaners. Rudo had his few stories to tell on that front as well. He even talked a little about the Sphere.
Rudo even confided that he hated thinking about the tower as well. He told her he thinks that moment was one of his all-time lows. Amo didn’t even know that demon weighed on Rudo so much. But when she thought of how his eyes hyperfixated on the stained blood on the floor, she realized how much he still beat himself up over it. Amo reminded him that they both did bad things and that they apologized. And that Amo forgave him.
Sometimes Amo forgets how far she came. She remembered how Uncle Corvus looked at Amo as she was going on about how happy she had been since joining the Cleaners. He must’ve been proud.
They were there for hours. Amo felt bad for how long the others had been outside the tower. But it was good for her to get out of it.
Eventually, they had finished putting everything away. Amo still thought even with all the clutter off the floor, it looked a bit like a crime scene. But at least there was nothing on the floors that would cause someone to trip.
“Are you ready to go?” Rudo asked, squeezing her hand.
She slowly unraveled her fingers from Rudo’s and placed her hand on a brick from the wall. She whispered a soft “goodbye” before turning back to Rudo. “Yeah! Let’s go home.” She said with a big (real) smile. Skipping back and grabbing his hand once more. Before dragging him down the stairs (though Rudo had no complaints as she led him down)
The ride back to HQ was certainly more lively. Amo piled into the car once more. This time with Rudo as well. (Fu too. Apparently, it was Gris and Follo who drove Rudo and Fu upon his frenzied request. It made Amo giggle when Follo was telling her about it. Rudo repeatedly told him to shut up. They left separately.)
The foot she had felt on her heart when Corvus told her the news finally lifted. Maybe the figure who gave Amo her boots was an angel, maybe they weren’t. When Amo thought about it, she didn’t need to glorify a figure that only showed up once for her.
Instead, she would choose to think of these kinder memories, memories of warm hands and cheerful laughter and genuine caring and kindness were more impactful on her life than. If angels were real, then Amo didn’t need to look for them. She had plenty of them surrounding her.
Hopeful with time, those uncomfortable feelings in her stomach would be easier to work through. And she could continue to say she was very brave.
She rested her head against Rudo’s shoulder while holding Eishia’s hand. She was surprisingly giddy as she talked to her. Riyo told some tall tales to tease Fu from the front seat. Tomme asked Amo for an opinion on a novel she recommended. Amo was able to convince Eishia to do a fashion show with her next time August asked her! Riyo was finally able to tease Rudo. A happy ending for everyone!
She was so thankful to be here.