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Shadow Milk has changed.
Truthfully, he never thought he’d be able to say those words again.
The last time he had changed, he was sentenced to a thousand years of suffering in that damned tree. And by no other than his comrade at that.
The isolation, the pain, the loneliness…
He swore to himself that he were to never change again. That he would leave behind all the pain and anguish. That he would be born anew, and that he would stay that way.
He locked himself behind poorly made wall, cracks forming every now and then. But it worked.
The mask he put up to shield himself worked. Pushing everyone who cared about him away worked. It was functional. It was better than the alternative.
Blueberry Milk was dead. Shadow Milk had been born.
And yet, that changed when he met him.
When he felt his soul get ripped out of him. The day when a half of him went missing. He felt as if he could never be whole again.
It drove him even deeper into madness than he already was.
He knew he had gone insane. He knew because he knew everything. He had to know everything. It was expected of him.
So when he first saw those sunflower and sky blue eyes, all he felt was hatred.
Because this was his replacement. Because he wasn’t good enough.
Pure Vanilla was everything. Kind. Intelligent. Beautiful. He was everything Shadow Milk used to be. But even then, he did all those things better than Blueberry Milk ever could.
He hated him.
How dare he hold the other half of his precious soul and be stronger than Shadow Milk ever was? How could he, a past mortal being, have hardships and then come out of the other side even stronger than before?
Whenever Blueberry Milk had hardships, he suffered in silence, for he had no one to spill his sorrows to.
How could a cookie be better than him? How could Pure Vanilla be perfect when Blueberry Milk was told he was already perfection?
How could someone, who wasn’t even created for this life, be better than him?
Shadow Milk stopped watching him the day these thoughts formed. He’d rather rot and die in that tree than ever see his replacement’s perfect face again.
But of course, that didn’t happen.
He had been freed, given a new body, and quickly made his other half suffer merely a fraction of what he had.
How long would it take for him to fall? How many attempts until he could finally drag him down to Shadow Milk’s level? How long until Shadow Milk could prove that they were the same? That there fates were intertwined?
He was trying to prove something. Prove that they were one and the same. That if he fell, Pure Vanilla would eventually fall too.
In the process, he realized a feeling he had for his little thief. A feeling he knew, yet never experienced before. Until now. It was so clear, and he refused to accept it at first.
Love. Connection. Obsession.
He didn’t want to just watch him fall, he wanted him to fall and then stay with him forever. He wanted him and Truthless Recluse to dance together in hell until the end of time. Two halves, finally whole, all in one big lie.
Maybe that’s why he tortured him so badly. The love, the fear, the hatred, the obsession— everything.
His goal wasn’t clear anymore.
One thing was for certain. He wanted Pure Vanilla in any way, shape, or form. He wanted him to finally understand him, to plunge into deception so they could be fucked up together.
But… He still choose to rise above it. Even after understanding Shadow Milk, even after all the time they spent together, even after all the sweet talk about ruining the world with their lies, he still choose to be better.
He was always better than him. Shadow Milk hated it.
He knew what he wanted, but fought against it.
He didn’t write his script this way. How was Pure Vanilla still better than him, even when he was ruined?
But, even after everything, everything, Pure Vanilla had still held out his hand to him. He still offered friendship, saying how special Shadow Milk was to him, how much he cared for him.
It was as if none of the past mattered. It was as if Shadow Milk was a different person, one who was able to be admired by somebody as perfect as his foolish other half.
It was as if… he was who he used to be.
He couldn’t go back. He could never go back. Even in all the lies he’s told, the one about his past self being dead remained true.
It wasn’t that. It just felt like it was. Like he was something— someone important again. Without the pressure. Without worrying about when he would slip up again.
Time and time again, Pure Vanilla confirmed that thought. Time and time again, he had asked for Shadow Milk’s hand in every way. Platonic. Romantic. Sexual. He begged him for something more, something that wasn’t just hatred.
Shadow Milk fought against him until he couldn’t no more. Until his mind, body, and soul where exhausted from the constant battle he forced himself to endure.
He finally realized what Pure Vanilla truly wanted. He realized that he wasn’t being lied to. This wasn’t another trick or scheme or plot. It was just… real. A real relationship that Pure Vanilla wanted.
A relationship that could be cherished. By both of them. A relationship built off of kindness and love, not fear.
And Shadow Milk, as if he was as foolish as Pure Vanilla was, had accepted.
He agreed to sell his soul to the angel standing before him. The wolf befriended the sheep, like they were always meant to be.
Still, the wolf was still a wolf. He bit, snarled, growled whenever his sheep got too close, no matter how much he truly wanted him.
He still attempted to eat the sheep’s flock. His instincts were still there, waiting for the right moment to strike whenever it was necessary.
However, he had been tamed (as much taming you could do in a year anyway). He no longer pushed the light away when it came close. He still hesitated, but he eventually allowed it to seep in, cradling him in its bright light.
A few things about him couldn’t be changed. Or at least, they couldn’t be changed yet.
The possession and obsession had stayed. Granted, Pure Vanilla had been able to help him calm down and not get into his instincts when those feelings arose, but they were still very much there.
He had very quickly realized the love he felt for Pure Vanilla had gone much deeper than he had ever thought possible.
That damn fool of a king only knew the tip of the iceberg when he came to Shadow Milk’s feelings, but he at least knew the jester cared for him in his own way.
That’s all Shadow Milk needed for him to know.
Shadow Milk creaked opened the door to Pure Vanilla’s room.
He giggled when he realized what his other half was doing. He was sitting at his vanity, having another war with his long hair, just like he had every morning.
“Oh Vanilly!~”
Pure Vanilla let out a small squeak before turning around. He let out a small sigh of relief once he realized who it was.
“My dearest, must you always scare me like that?”
“But you’re getting used to it, aren’t ya? A few months ago you would’ve jumped to the ceiling in terror!”
“Hm, I suppose that’s true.”
He floated over to Pure Vanilla, wrapping his arms around his neck from behind.
“So, how’s the hair going?”
“Ah… pretty bad today. I forgot to tie it up last night so I tangled it a lot.”
“Why don’t you go back to your original form? Ya know… with the cute little bob. You looked just adorable! You look adorable now, like an elegant ballerina, but the bob was just sooo much better.”
The former king’s cheeks blushed as he let out a giggle. “I would’ve, but I’ve grown to like how I look in this form.”
“Then at least let me help you! Seriously, this is painful to watch.”
The ancient sheepishly nodded. The beast snatched the brush out of his hands are began to gently comb through the golden locks with his fingers.
“You’ll also be getting an incredible hairstyle by yours truly!~”
“Aw, thank you, blue bird!”
He separated the hair into sections before he began brushing. Maybe he could do a neat bun? Ha, then he really would look like a ballerina. But knowing Pure Vanilla, the bun would turn into a messy one by the end of the day. He always moves around and helps when he doesn’t need to, ruining himself in the process.
Maybe a ponytail? But he always puts his hair in those… and they’re a little too boring for someone as special as Pure Vanilla. How about… a braid! Perfect, just like him. And Shadow Milk could decorate the hell out of it.
“Mmm, this is relaxing.”
“I’m just running my hands through your hair, Nilly.”
“And your hands feel good.”
Shadow Milk let out a small snicker, “So, what changed your mind? ‘Cause a little birdy told me that you used to like your old form better.”
“Ah, was it Black Raisin?”
“Ooo, look you understood my joke! Gold star for you!”
“Mm. It was actually her.”
He stopped his hand motions. “What.”
“Yeah. I used to only use this form for important events and appearances, but she convinced me to have it all the time. She said I looked beautiful and I didn’t believe her at first. But now I do!”
Shadow Milk felt his eye twitch.
Ah. Of course. Of fucking course! It was because of Pure Vanilla’s dear ‘friend’! A friend who clearly wants to get in his pants! How nice!
He knew there was a deeper reason as to why Black Raisin was so protective over Pure Vanilla once Shadow Milk came along.
They lived together in their tiny barely-a-village village. They protected each other, they cared for each other… And even when Pure Vanilla discovered himself, she still stayed! Through thick and thin as they say!
What a rotten little pest.
Shadow Milk’s not dumb. He sees the way she looks at Pure Vanilla. The longing in her eyeballs that he so very desperately wanted to pull out of her skull and stomp on.
Why should she be able to look at Pure Vanilla in that why? Why was Pure Vanilla okay with it??
He probably shares her feelings. He basically permanently altered his appearance solely because she called him pretty.
“Ow! Shadow Milk you’re pulling-!”
He snapped out of his thoughts and let go of his hair. Pure Vanilla turned his head to face him.
“Are you alright blue bird?”
“Hah, me? Oh, I’m just— peachy! I’ll be going now.”
“Wait what? But you didn’t finish my hair.”
“You don’t need me for that! Go ask one of your oh so loyal friends to help you. Or better yet, do it yourself!”
Pure Vanilla stood up and held his hand. “But I want you to do it. Please?”
“…Fine.”
Shadow Milk and Pure Vanilla were in the Vanilla Castle’s garden.
The blonde was in one of his casual robes with his hair tied into a neat beautiful braid made by Shadow Milk earlier.
He was tending to his flowers while Shadow Milk stood next to him with a sour expression on his face.
“Can’t you get one of your staff members to do this for you?” He asked, cocking an eyebrow.
“Of course I can, my dear,” Pure Vanilla spoke softly, putting on his gardening gloves before sitting down on his knees, “but I’d much rather do it myself.”
The tips of Shadow Milk’s ears briefly turned a dark shape of blue upon hearing the nickname. He shook it off, plopping down right next to the former king.
“Seems like a waste of time to me…”
“Plants need care and attention too. Whispering words of affirmation helps them grow healthier.”
Shadow Milk rolled his eyes, his gaze landing on the marigolds in front of him. “Mm. Am I your favorite?”
“Hm?”
“Your favorite plant I mean.” He snickered at Pure Vanilla’s confused state. “Pfft. You give me care and attention too.”
A light shade of pink crept its way up his neck. “Ah… Well, you’re too special to me for me to label you a just a plant. You’re much more than that.”
Silence fell through the air between them.
The beast shifted his gaze back towards the yellow flowers in front of him. They were practically glistening in the sunlight.
“What’s your favorite flower?”
“Hmmm… I don’t think I have a favorite actually.”
Shadow Milk let out a small giggle.
“What?”
“You can’t get all preachy to me about flowers and not have a favorite!”
“But it’s true. I love them all equally!”
“Nuh uh!~ That’s not a good enough answer for me, my dear Nilly.”
He booped Pure Vanilla on the nose, causing the later to giggle. “Blue bird! I told you I don’t like it when you do that.”
“And yet you giggle every time. Now! Time to answer my question!”
He smiled a let out a small hum. “Maybe… The flower that is in most of my decor?”
“Now we’re getting somewhere! And what would that be?”
He was about to answer before he stopped himself. His smiled fell, his eyes glancing to the side. “…You won’t like the answer.”
Shadow Milk blinked, confused. That’s weird… “Hah… it’s just a flower, Vanilla, how could I not like the answer? Just tell me.”
The shepherd hesitated, still unsure. But he eventually gave in under the beast’s curiosity. “It’s uh— white lilies.”
Oh.
The air between them turned cold. The warmth disappeared as soon as those two words were murmured, despite the fact it was summer.
Seriously??
That good for nothing half a cookie was still on Pure Vanilla’s mind? After all this?!
Oh, but of course she still haunts his thoughts, hopes, and dreams! The things in shepherd’s head that were supposed to filled with Shadow Milk, will always be filled by her.
Really, he thought his other half would’ve gotten over her by now! But nope! She still sneaks her way in like the little pest she is.
Pathetic.
“…Blue bird?”
He grit his teeth. He crossed his arms, turning to glare daggers at his beloved other half. “Of fucking course that’s your favorite. I bet you think about her all the time, don’t you?”
“That’s not… I do think about her sometimes. She’s still a dear friend to me.”
“Ha. Great. Why am I even here then? It’s clear you like her more than me?”
“I— Shadow Milk, that’s far from the truth.”
“No it isn’t. You have flowers that are quite literally her name scattered throughout your entire kingdom! There’s even ones in your bedroom— you’re obsessed with her!”
“She was my closest friend for years, Shadow Milk, that doesn’t just go away. I’m aware of your dislike for one another, but I cannot have both of you in my life?”
“I’m just some cheap entertainment for you, huh? I bet you write to your sweet Lily eeevery night about how laughable I am to you!”
Pure Vanilla reached his hand out to touch Shadow Milk. Somewhere— anywhere for him to calm down and so the situation could deescalate the situation. Shadow Milk slapped it away.
The beast scoffed, “I’m leaving. Have fun making out with your favorite flowers.”
He opened a portal beneath him, falling through, leaving a very bewildered Pure Vanilla alone in the garden.
By night, Shadow Milk’s anger had turned into sadness.
He was lying in his bed in a fetal position. His blankets were thrown haphazardly over him in a desperate attempt for comfort.
It was funny how easily his mood could plummet over something as small as a flower.
Obviously it was much more than just a flower, but hearing her name shouldn’t be this triggering to him anymore.
He was making progress! The Vanilla Kingdom’s people had stopped yelling at him or giving him death glares whenever he went outside (for the most part)! The other ancients hated him but trusted him enough to leave him and Pure Vanilla alone for long periods of time!
But no, no! His emotions just always had to get in the way if his development.
He knew that Pure Vanilla probably wasn’t that kind of person. He would never say things behind someone’s back (unless it was endless talk and praise about how amazing and incredible that person was to him).
Yet the bitter lies he was so easily falling victim to made themselves sound like harsh truths.
The idea that Pure Vanilla never truly cared for him is exactly the kind of slap in the face he’d expect from the truth.
The lies he built were meant to be sweet. Made to comfort him and his pitiful situations he’s fallen victim to time and time again. They were meant to wrap him in a tight embrace and tell him that everything would be okay, even as the world around him was falling apart.
They weren’t supposed to turn on him. He didn’t make them this way. He didn’t make them so— believable.
Fuck. He’s falling for it.
He was better than this. He taught himself to be better than this.
Why should he even care what that foolish king thinks?! That stupid, insignificant gnat that kept lying to him about how he felt.
Of course he adores White Lily! She’s fucking disgusting but she has the one thing Shadow Milk can’t compete with.
A close, longstanding relationship with Pure Vanilla.
Even if they’ve separated for now, he still thinks about her. He still keeps reminders of her around. He still reminisces about her.
And if she were to show up, they’d have a meaningful past together. Sure, Pure Vanilla never fully understood her, but if he could understand Shadow Milk in less than a year, he’d certainly be able to understand her by the time se returned to him.
They would have inside jokes, and meaningful conversations. Knowing expressions, looks only the two of them could decipher.
He wouldn’t be surprised if the two were in love.
The way Pure Vanilla talks about her to others, the fact that its been centuries and those flowers are still there.
Does he talk about me like that?
Surely not. He’s basically bonded to White Lily for life.
That close connection Shadow Milk has always longed for, he’s never had. And the person he cares about the most has already experienced that. With someone else.
Because Pure Vanilla was and always will be better than him.
He’ll never be able to keep up with him.
He’ll never be enough.
He’s always never been enough.
He heard the door to the room open. He hugged himself tighter, watching the light from the hallway spill into the pitch black room.
How wonderful.
“…Blue bird? Are you awake?”
“No. Go away.”
Pure Vanilla frowned. He walked over to the bed and sat down on the edge, resting his staff on the bedside table.
“I apologize for not being here sooner, I had other duties to attend to and—”
“Oh no I get it. I’m just not important to you.”
“What? No, that’s not true at all.”
The ancient reached out and pushed the beast’s bangs out of his eyes.
“If it makes you uncomfortable, I could remove some of the lilies out of the kingdom for you. You shouldn’t have to be reminded of someone you dislike everyday. But this isn’t about that, is it?”
He didn’t respond. But when Pure Vanilla started running his hand through his hair, he leaned into the touch.
“Blue bird…”
“Why did you take me in?”
“What?”
“Why did you try so hard to redeem me?”
“Because I wanted to understand you. And I’ve been successful so far.”
“So it was just to feed your savior complex? Your own ego?”
He paused his hand motions at that.
“Is that what you think of my choice?”
“Answer the question.”
The blonde let out a hum. He took off his ridiculously big hat, placing it on the bedside table and moved to lay down next to Shadow Milk. Slowly. As if he was some wild animal and any sudden movement would make him run away.
Which was probably true.
“Shadow Milk, I wanted to understand you to see if we were the same. I realized that I have too felt your loneliness before. Not to the exact extent as you have, but… enough. Enough that when we connected, I felt seen with you. That we could maybe understand each other.”
“Liar. You’re not lonely. You’ve never been lonely. I’ve watched you almost your entire life. You have friends, relationships— everything that I couldn’t have. How were we ever the same?”
Pure Vanilla tucked a loose hair behind Shadow Milk’s ear and started gently caressing his cheek.
“At times… it felt as though an important part of me was missing. Like I was born without a part of myself I desperately needed.”
“That’s just because of the soul jam. You only feel connected to me because we share it.”
“Exactly. We share it.”
“If White Lily was your other half you’d—”
“But she isn’t. You’re my other half. Not White Lily, not Black Raisin, anyone else. Just you. I am forever connected to you. You’re the other part of my soul, my dearest other half. And I will forever cherish you because of what we share.”
“You’ll regret your decision eventually. You’ll wish I was someone else.”
“I won’t. Not now, not ever. I’m in love with you.”
Shadow Milk let out a surprised laugh, his smile not quite reaching his eyes. “…Love?”
Pure Vanilla wiped the tear that began to fall from the beast’s eye.
“Yes. I love you. You’re the one who has made me whole again. You’re very dear to me.”
The jester rested his forehead against the former king’s, a shaky smile forming on his lips.
“Hah, you love all your friends, don’t you..?”
“Not in the way I love you. And… I would actually prefer if you were more than a just a friend to me. You’re my soulmate, you deserve a much greater title than simply a friend.”
“Well if you’re insisting…”
Pure Vanilla smiled warmly. He cupped his cheek, leaving a soft kiss on his cheek.
Shadow Milk’s ears began to rapidly flap, his ears slowly turning a deep shade of violet. The blonde giggled at this, giving him a small peck on the nose as well.
“Do you believe me now, my dearest other half?”
“I suppose I do. But we’re burning that flower in your bedroom.”
“…We’ll just replant it.”
A few months had past since then.
Pure Vanilla figured that he should probably be more mindful of how he talks about his friendships when he’s with his partner.
His jealousy went even deeper than he had imagined. The two were working on it. Unfortunately, he beast kept distracted him
Like right now for instance.
Shadow Milk was sleeping in Pure Vanilla’s bed tonight, a tradition that’s been happening every other day since the confession.
Pure Vanilla didn’t mind of course, he loved cuddling with his other half at any time.
The two of them were sitting up. Pure Vanilla was reading a book, resting his head on Shadow Milk’s shoulder, who was sewing a type of dress. Probably for Pure Vanilla, since it was a cream color.
“Shadow Milk?”
“Mm.”
“My friends are going to come here next week to—”
“No.”
“Blue bird, you can’t just say no. I haven’t seen them in a while.”
“And White Lily will be there. I don’t want her to be.”
“I know you’re not… fond of her, but I still—”
Shadow Milk threw his fabric and Pure Vanilla’s book off the bed.
“Sha-!” He was cut off by his other half pushing the blanket off of him and sitting on his lap. The blonde let out a small squeak, subconsciously placing his hands on the blue cookie’s hips.
Shadow Milk gently held the back of Pure Vanilla’s neck and leaned in, his lips grazing against his ear.
“You’re mine and I am yours. Only I get to have you like this.”
“Y-Yes but—” Shadow Milk kissed his jaw a few times before trailing up and giving him a longer kiss on the lips.
Pure Vanilla sighed into it, his hands moving up to hold his partner’s waist instead.
The latter playfully bit at his lip before pulling away. “Let’s not talk about that right now, m’kay? Let’s just go to sleep.”
“Mhmm… okay…”
He’ll bring up his jealousy at a later date. Right now, he’ll enjoy the honeymoon phase.