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Again.
Up, down, shield bash, strike.
Again.
Wave after wave after wave of monsters slain until the dungeon floor is stained red with blood.
Again.
Ignore the emotions, the exhaustion, the pain. Just shove it all down and focus on training.
Again.
She needs to be better. She needs to be enough. She is never enough.
Again.
There’s one creeper left in this wave, a simple creature for any good knight to defeat. She leaps, she dives, she misses her shot. An explosion rocks the arena, sending her tumbling to the ground. She tries to stand. She has to stand, she has to keep fighting.
But she doesn’t move, she can’t anymore, her limbs have finally given up on her. Even her own body has decided she’s not good enough to be worth the effort. She’s not enough, she’s never been enough. She’s not even a real knight! She’s just a pretender, and a poor one at that. She couldn’t help Soluna, she can’t protect her princess, she can’t even get up from the ground! She faintly feels her shoulders shaking and her chest heaving as hot tears prick at her eyes. Gods, she’s pathetic. King Ren would be so disappointed in her.
They don’t deserve to be a knight. They’re not brave enough, they’re not strong enough, they’re not good enough for anyone, let alone someone as wonderful as their princess. Katie was knighted because she’s everything they aren’t. She’s kind, she’s fun, she’s brave, she has a lot to learn but she always gets up and keeps trying. She’s everything a knight should be, whereas Apo can’t even get up off the ground.
She’s not sure how long she lays there before her limbs respond again. The sun is beginning to dip below the horizon, the sky aglow in a tapestry of color. She heaves herself to her feet, entire body shaking with the effort. Wounds cover her body, throbbing and stinging. She only has a few hours before her princess returns from their adventures with Katie, she needs to look presentable by then. She can’t let her lady know that she’s a failure.
Her vision blurs and sometimes cuts out entirely for a moment, but she ignores it. She has to be good enough, she has to earn her place. She stumbles into her house, managing to grab the first aid kit she’d put together before falling into a chair. She cleans and bandages her wounds, but doesn’t stitch them closed. Let them scar, let them remind her of her failures. She stitches the rips in her outfit shut and washes the blood and sand from her hair and face. By the time her princess returns, she’s ready with fresh bread for them to eat as though she’d never left.
—
Something wet runs down her back beneath her armor, she’s not sure if it’s sweat or blood. Considering how hot it is today and how much the cut on her shoulder stings, probably both. It doesn’t matter, she’s too busy to rebandage it right now, she’s standing guard while her princess and Katie play farkle. She can rebandage it next time her princess dismisses her before she goes back to the arena.
The arena… Her times are getting worse, her performance is slipping more and more often, she’s getting more and more avoidable wounds from stupid mistakes. What is she doing wrong? Why can’t she just be good enough? She shoves the emotions down, forcing back the tears. She can’t show she’s struggling, she can’t let anyone else take pity on her, she has to be enough, she has to do it herself.
“…po? Apo, you there?” A voice jolts her from her thoughts, her princess’s hand waves in front of her eyes. It’s late again, the darkness beginning to press in on all sides. The game of farkle has been packed away, and everyone is ready to leave.
“I- yes, of course.” She’d gotten lost in her thoughts. She hadn’t been paying attention. What if something had gone wrong? What if her princess had gotten hurt? She needs to be better than this.
Her lady grabs her hand and drags her along, and she resolutely ignores the way her heart beats out of her chest as they make their way towards their house.
Their lady sits on her bed and stares at their back as they guard the door. They can feel her eyes on them, with an expression she can’t parse out.
“Apo, come sit with me.”
“Yes, princess.” She sits on the bed as well, keeping a respectful distance between them.
Her lady immediately closes that distance, scooting over to rest their head on her shoulder. The weight puts pressure on her reopened wound, which throbs painfully, but she ignores it. Her lady’s comfort is far more important than her own, and far more important than the buzzing, swooping feeling in her heart memorizing every point of contact between them.
“Relax.” Her princess murmurs. “You’re all tense, it’s uncomfortable.”
“Sorry.” She does her best to relax her posture, resolutely ignoring the way her heart feels like it might burst as her princess leans further into her with a contented sigh. She forces herself to keep alert, even as the heavy fog in her head pulls at her eyelids. She hasn’t earned her rest, not yet. She still had to guard her princess while she sleeps.
Speaking of which, her princess’s breathing evens out against her, eyes closed and soft smile still present on their lips. She ignores the squeezing in her chest, focusing on staring intently at the door until dawn. She’ll protect her princess until her last breath, she’ll make sure she keeps smiling that beautiful smile forever. After all, she’s supposed to be a knight, and that’s what knights are good for.