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Ravi and Buck were sitting around the dinner table at the loft of the station. They had both come in early.
After a while, Ravi said “I texted Hen to ask her how she was doing. She said she’s fine. Just sorry she scared everyone like that.”
“Yeah, we were really scared after she collapsed. At least she has a diagnosis now. She’s starting proper treatment.”
Ravi shook his head in disbelief. He still couldn’t believe that someone like Hen would hide something like this for such a long time.
“Do you think she’ll be able to come back?”
“Well, not before we see how the treatment goes, I guess, but I have to be positive. I can’t lose Hen on top of everything.”
Ravi nodded. They drank their coffee in silence, both of them just staring at their cups, thinking about how much the 118 had changed. It was a hard fact of life. You can’t step into the same river twice and all that.
Ravi then said, “Did she say anything about why she hid it? I hate to think that she felt like she couldn’t share it with us.”
Buck hesitated for a moment. Ravi was one of them even though he couldn’t be there that night at Athena’s. He figured Hen wouldn’t mind him telling Ravi. She would’ve told him herself if he asked. And Ravi would ask. Buck knew that, despite his ‘tired of A shift’ act, Ravi was finally becoming part of the family. And he was obviously worried about Hen.
So he told him about Hen’s speech, about how she said nobody asked her how she was doing in her grief. Ravi was again in disbelief. He knew that wasn’t enough reason to hide her symptoms and risk the lives of everyone on her team. But he didn’t want to judge her when he knew how close Hen and Bobby had been. Grief made people act in unexpected ways.
Buck interrupted his thoughts. “She was probably trying to be strong for Athena, so she couldn’t really share her grief with one of her best friends. Probably didn’t want to burden Karen too much. She knew we were all drowning in our own grief, so… this is where it led.” He made a broad gesture with his hands.
“That still doesn’t explain the hiding the symptoms part,” Ravi blurted.
Buck rubbed his mouth. “I know, believe me, I know. Eddie stopped my “if I had done more...” spiraling pretty quickly and told me that just because Hen had been grieving, it didn’t make what she did right.” He sighed. “I know I gave Eddie grief about his insistence on “chain of command,” but I actually understand why Chim had to fire her. I just don’t like it. But we all agree the only thing we can do now is be there for her. And hopefully for each other.”
He put one elbow on the table, looking down at his coffee again. His mind went back to those months after Bobby, to how they all stumbled blind in their grief, not knowing how to support each other. They still didn’t know how to bring up Bobby without choking up, making it awkward, or letting silence suddenly settle over the room.
Of all people, Eddie had recently started to bring him up more. He’d started to want to watch videos of Bobby together now and then. Last week he’d admitted to Buck that he’d fucked up by not talking about Shannon and by trying to repress the hurt. He’d also said something that made Buck’s heart ache, that at least they had more videos and photos of Bobby and they wouldn’t forget how his laugh sounded. Or how he sounded when he said Buck or Eddie in that exasperated but fond way. And maybe, if they kept talking about Bobby, they wouldn’t forget the memories and gestures that weren’t captured in the videos. Unlike what had happened with Shannon.
They’d also talked about the dreams. The ones where you had the person you’d lost back for a brief moment, only to lose them all over again in the morning. Or the ones where, halfway through, you realized they were gone, that this was a dream, and you desperately tried to change the course of fate, even just inside your own mind, but couldn’t, and lost them again anyway. The dreams where you lost them in new, horrific ways.
The dreams where he ran after Bobby, calling out for him to stop or to turn his head so he could at least see his face one more time…
He was about to tear up when his thoughts were interrupted. He realized Ravi had asked him something. He looked up from his mug and said “Can you say that again?”
Ravi said “I asked how you specifically were feeling about Hen’s speech, about no one checking on her or asking how she was doing.”
Buck frowned. “As I said, I was ready to accept it, but...”
Ravi interrupted. “No, no, I mean I know you tried to talk to people after Bobby died. And... and you were feeling lonely that Halloween night.” He took a deep breath and said, “I guess I was wondering if it felt unfair to you.”
For a brief second Buck looked surprised. He then suddenly had a mischievous look on his face. “Why, Ravi, are you trying to put a wedge between me and the others so you can replace me? I see your evil plan.” He wiggled his eyebrows.
Ravi sighed. “Why am I trying to have a serious conversation with you of all people?” Buck chuckled. But after a beat of silence, his face sobered. “Look, there was a point, months ago, where I felt, I don’t know, like the others weren’t trying as hard as me.” He gave Ravi a quiet smile. “But then I had a ... conversation with someone and that made me think of things in a new light.”
“Is that someone Eddie?”
“Yeah,” Buck nodded. “Back when we had that conversation, I was trying to support the others in my own way, but then Eddie said they were worried about me, and no one knew how to talk to me. I hadn’t realized that they were feeling that way. Or that my way of helping them wasn’t exactly helping them.”
“Why? What were you doing?”
Buck looked sheepish. “I was giving them grief assessments and scores.”
Ravi shook his head fondly. “Yeah, I guess that wouldn’t help a lot, but your heart was in the right place.”
Buck shrugged. “Yeah. And they were trying to reach out to me too. We were all just struggling.”
Ravi nodded. “Sorry, I didn’t mean it like they weren’t there for you. I guess after that Halloween night, I was a bit worried. You looked like you needed a friend that night and were lonely.”
Buck smiled. “You don’t need to be worried. Yeah, I was lonely, but that was partly on me too.”
Ravi frowned. “How can that be partly on you?”
“Because if I had just wanted to hang out with Eddie and Chris, I could have easily hung out with them. But instead I tried to invite a fourteen-year-old to play the Ouija board. So...” He shrugged.
Ravi looked like he wasn’t expecting that response. “Wow, that’s...”
“Mature?” Buck huffed a quiet laugh. “Yeah, I started therapy again recently. Talking to someone outside our grief circle has helped me see things from others’ perspectives, too. Like, I was having difficulty reaching out to my friends, so why should I get upset that they didn’t know how to support me either?” He shook his head. “It’s not like anyone was gonna say no to me if I had just said I needed to talk. But I didn’t. Maybe I could be upset that they didn’t see me struggling, but I obviously didn’t see Hen struggling. I didn’t see Eddie struggling. So...” He trailed off again.
They quietly drank their coffees again.
“Do you think,” Ravi said after a moment, “that you and Eddie do that a lot?”
Buck blinked. “Do what?”
“Miss each other while standing right next to each other?” Ravi had sworn to himself he wouldn’t meddle, but apparently his mouth had different ideas.
He waited patiently while Buck blinked some more. Finally, Buck opened his mouth. “Eddie and I…”
“Eddie and you what?”
Both Buck and Ravi jumped. They hadn’t heard Eddie coming up. That man could sneak up on you like a cat sometimes.
Buck turned to him and said, “Nothing. Just Ravi psychoanalyzing us.”
Eddie raised an eyebrow, turning his head to Ravi. Ravi shrugged.
“We were just talking about Hen and grief.”
Eddie nodded in understanding. “I see.” Before he could say anything else, Ravi got up. “I think I’m gonna go lie down a bit before the day starts actually.”
Both Buck and Eddie looked at him, confused, because Ravi had never done such a thing before, but at this point Ravi didn’t care that his excuse was flimsy. Every opportunity these oblivious guys got to talk about their feelings was a win in Ravi’s book.
When they were alone at the table, Eddie looked at Buck with a soft expression. “Are you okay? He said you talked about grief, too.” Buck looked into Eddie’s warm brown eyes, made even more beautiful by the fondness he saw in them.
He finally said, “Yeah, I’m okay. He was asking how Hen’s speech made me feel, especially the part about no one asking her how she was doing.”
Eddie asked, “And what did you say?”
“I actually told him about our argument. You know the one where you had to bring Chris and Pepa for me to forgive you.” He was grinning now, teasing Eddie.
Eddie blushed. “Yeah, I remember.”
“Well, I told him that what you said made me see things differently.”
Eddie looked up at him. “Yeah?”
Buck nodded. “When you told me nobody knew how to talk to me… that made me angry at first.”
Eddie looked sad. “I know. I wish I had…”
Buck shook his head. “I needed to hear it. Maybe it’s gonna sound stupid, but maybe I needed to hear that everyone was as messed up and everyone was having a hard time with their grief, with helping each other, too.”
Eddie kept looking at him. He seemed to be deciding if he should say what he wanted to say. Finally, he took a deep breath and said, “I’m sorry again that I let my emotions take over. I should have said what I said in a … better way.”
He looked at his hands and then looked back up at Buck. “I never meant to hurt you. It’s just… It’s difficult for me when I can’t reach you. When you aren’t talking to me. It was the same during the lawsuit. That’s why it hit me so hard. Because I needed you and you weren’t there. I guess I don’t know how to function when you’re out of my reach. And I hate not knowing how to reach you.” He chuckled. “It makes me go a little insane.”
Buck gulped. In the past month, they’d been getting close again. There had also been this added tension Buck didn’t allow himself to name, because once he let himself hope, there was no going back for him. But now it felt like Eddie was trying to tell him something he’d almost given up on hoping for. This wasn’t how normal best friends talked, right? He hesitated and quietly said, “I’m the same. I mean it should be obvious with how I reacted when you were leaving.”
Eddie put his hand on the table, palm up, near Buck, and looked at him. His hand was trembling slightly. When Buck placed his hand in his, Eddie laced their fingers.
“Buck, it was almost impossible for me to leave you, too. And it scared me a bit…” He took another deep breath. “And it made me think…” He swallowed. When he looked at Buck, his expression was open and vulnerable.
“I wanted to tell you at home, not at work, but I don’t want to miss another moment, and this moment feels right.” He paused. “Leaving LA, leaving you, made me realize that this thing between us… for me, it’s much more than friendship. I’ve wanted to talk to you, but it’s been one thing after the other. And then there was me trying to figure out what it meant that I’m… that I’m gay. And my fear that I would ruin our friendship.”
Buck tightened his grip slightly, then placed his free hand over their interlaced fingers. “Eddie, I’m so proud of you. And you wouldn’t. You wouldn’t ruin the friendship.” He looked at their joined hands, and when he looked up, his bright blue eyes were glassy with unshed tears. He started, “I lo…”
But before he could say another word, Eddie blurted out, “No, no, I’m confessing first!” He smiled at Buck’s amused expression and softly added, “I love you, Buck. I’ve been in love with you for a long time. It just took me a long time to see it.”
He then raised their joined hands and pressed a small kiss to Buck’s knuckles. “And sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt like that. It’s just, I made a promise to myself that even if you returned my feelings, I’d be the one to say “I love you” first.”
Buck was stunned. “Why?”
Eddie squeezed his hand. “Because you deserve it. And you deserve to hear it every day. Maybe until you get tired of me saying it.” He looked at Buck so softly.
“I’ll never tire of that. There’s no way.” He slowly tugged Eddie closer and said, “I love you, too.”
He left a small kiss on the corner of Eddie’s mouth. “I don’t know how I’m gonna focus on calls today.”
His eyes roved over Eddie’s face as if he couldn’t get enough of this new version of Eddie, who was openly in love with him. He pressed another kiss to Eddie’s flushed cheek. “I can’t wait to have you all to myself after the shift.”
Eddie’s expression was nothing short of lovestruck. But what struck Buck was that this was how Eddie had always looked at him. He’d just been too blind to see it before. They both had been.
Then Eddie tugged Buck even closer and gave him a chaste, soft kiss.
“I can’t wait either.”
They looked at each other, two people who had always had each other’s backs through injuries, near deaths, hurt, and grief. It had perhaps taken too long, but they had finally found their way to love, too.