Chapter Text
“Hello?” Killua called into the dark space. He didn’t know where he was or why he was there. Fear gripped his heart in the unfamiliar place, setting his entire body on edge. It was eerily quiet. Only the sound of his breath and heartbeat could be heard in the deafening silence.
Something shuffled in front of him and caught his attention, pulling his eyes towards the person that appeared in front of him as if he materialized out of thin air. Killua recognized him instantly.
“Gon?” He called out to his friend. He was about to say more, but a small sliver of moonlight shown on Gon’s face illuminating his normally bright eyes, stopping Killua’s words in his throat. Gon’s eyes were wide, scared and brimming with tears, so unlike the bright bubbly expression he always wore.
“Killua…” Gon’s voice was hoarse, “What did you do?” Tears began to spill from Gon’s golden eyes as he whimpered. The sound of flesh and fabric tearing filled the air.
“Wha-?!” Killua felt something warm envelop his hand and drip from his fingers. He held his hand up in the moonlight to inspect it, only to find it drenched in red.
Gon coughed, blood spilling from his lips. His eyes were dark and vacant as the tears flowed freely down his cheeks. “You’re still a killer…” He took a shaky breath that was almost a wheeze, “Aren’t you?” His voice was sad and his eyes were clouded with malice. His body swayed as he took a step closer to Killua, closing the gap between them.
Killua could only gape at the hole in his friend’s chest. Blood was seeping from it, staining his shirt crimson. He was frozen as the fear gripped him, his brother’s words ringing through his head. “If you stay with him, you’ll end up killing him anyway.”
Realization seeped into his muddled brain as Gon took a shaky step forward to meet him. Tears began to spill down his face.
“Aren’t you?” Gon’s voice was a wet whisper as he choked on the blood still filling his mouth. Gon reached for Killua, grabbing his shoulders in a tight squeeze, digging his nails in hard, refusing to let go.
All of the air left Killua’s lungs as he forgot how to breathe. It felt like a weight was pressing down on him, forcing him to stare into Gon’s angry, dead eyes.
“Killua?” Gon’s voice sounded far away as his blood soaked lips mouthed his name.
Killua found his voice, screaming, thrashing and trying to free himself from Gon’s iron grip.
“Killua?” The voice was closer now, louder, scared.
Killua screamed again as he reached up to push Gon away from him. Gon’s scream filled the air turning the dark space into the light of their bedroom.
“Ow…” The weight seemed to be lifted from Killua’s body. He opened his eyes and sat up in his bed. He was drenched in sweat and gasping for air. A few stray tears were rolling down his face as he looked around the lamp-lit room, trying to place where he was.
“Killua, are you okay?”
Killua’s eyes landed on Gon who sat on the end of the bed. He was cupping his eye, blood seeping through his fingers and dripping onto the sheets below him. His eyes were watery, but they didn’t hold any of the malice the Gon from earlier had.
“Oh no…” Killua was frozen again eyes wide as he watched the blood drip down Gon’s face. He gripped the sheets and heard the ripping sound, so similar from the one in his dreams.
“Killua?” Gon leaned forward over Killua’s legs using his left arm to brace himself. His right hand was still cupping his face.
In a flash, Killua had pulled his legs away from Gon and scooted back against the headboard. He was hyperventilating, eyes still wide and body shaking like a leaf.
Gon just stared at him unsure of what to do. Whatever he had dreamt about must have been bad, because he usually never avoided him like this. After a moment he sat back and tried to wipe the blood away from his eye, only to smear it on his face. It more than stung. The pain emanating from his eye was a throbbing, stabbing pain that refused to let up.
“I- I’m s-sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Killua found his voice as he curled in on himself, hugging his knees to his chest. He retracted his nails and peered at the blood on his hand, through the gap between his legs. Tears mixed with the blood sending it splattering to the sheets, staining the bed red. His mind flashed back to his blood covered hand in his dreams and Gon’s whimper. He squeezed his eyes shut letting another round of sobs rack through his body.
“Killua.” The voice was firmer this time as Gon scooted closer. “Killua, it’s okay. I’m okay.” Gon took Killua’s bloodied hand with both of his before he could pull away.
Only sobs answered him. Killua’s entire body stilled as he buried his face further into his knees. He tried to gently pull his hand away from Gon’s grasp, but Gon wouldn’t let go.
“Ne. Killua. I’m okay.” He squeezed Killua’s hand reassuringly. “Killua. Look. See.” Each word was punctuated by a squeeze as Gon tried to get Killua to open up for him. “I’m fine.” Gon reached forward with his bloody hand to lift Killua’s face from his knees. “Killua. I’m okay.”
Killua let his face be lifted in Gon’s hand, keeping his eyes closed only for a moment before opening them and taking in the damage he had done.
The right side of Gon’s face was covered in blood. A couple of jagged cuts ran from the top of his eyelid to just below his eye, slicing through it completely in the middle. It was much worse that Killua thought. Blood was still seeping from Gon’s eye, but Gon was smiling as if nothing was wrong. Like Killua hadn’t just sliced through his eyelid and maybe his eye.
Gon saw the look of horror on Killua’s face and shook his head. The movement stung, but he bit back the tears and continued to smile. “It’s fine Killua. It’s just a little cut. It’ll heal. It doesn’t even hurt.” Gon moved forward and pushed Killua’s knees apart, crawling in between his legs and wrapping his arms around his shoulders in a tight hug. “I’m not mad Killua. You didn’t mean it.” He squeezed tighter as Killua began to sob into his shoulder. “I forgive you okay? So you don’t need to be sorry.”
“Gon…” Killua sobbed out as he fisted his hands into the sheets, afraid to touch him.
They stayed there like that for one minute… two… before finally Gon pulled away, cupping Killua’s blotchy, tear-stained face.
“Come on. Let’s get cleaned up. We’re getting blood everywhere.” Gon smiled at Killua. That one that lit up the room and would normally dazzle him.
“Okay.” Killua sniffed as he let Gon pull him forward and off the bed by his hand.
They made their way to the bathroom, turning on the lights as they went. It was still early morning. The sun hadn’t risen yet and the tile of the bathroom floor was cold on their unprotected feet. Once in the bathroom, Killua took the lead, fishing through the medicine cabinet. He still didn’t speak as he set a gauze eyepatch and a roll of medical tape on the counter.
“I’ll be right back.” He grumbled as he left Gon alone in the bathroom.
Gon stood in front of the sink peering into the mirror with his left eye. He looked ghastly in the poor lighting of the bathroom. He turned on the tap and started washing the blood off his hands.
Killua made his way back down the hall to the linen closet. He bit his lip as he tried to forget the look on dream Gon’s face. Every time he looked at Gon that face appeared instead, filling up his vision and blinding him until that smile washed it away. He grabbed a rag and made his way back to the bathroom glancing at the clock on his way. It was only 1:40 in the morning. It would be several hours before they could go to the doctor, maybe only a few if they called Leorio instead. Killua had bit clean through his lip, tasting metal in his mouth as he rounded the doorway into the bathroom.
Killua was silent as he came back into the bathroom. He watched Gon wipe some of the blood off his cheek and the way he flinched from the pain, before speaking.
“Sit down. I’ll do it.” When Gon didn’t move Killua gently turned him away from the sink.
Gon rose an eyebrow and let out a little squeak of surprise as he looked up at Killua, only to find himself looking down instead as Killua lifted him up onto the counter by the sink.
Killua took the rag he had retrieved and ran it under the warm water before ringing it out. “Hold still.” Killua lifted the rag to Gon’s face and ever so gently pressed it to his cheek, mopping up some of the blood. He took his time cleaning Gon’s face, freezing at every flinch Gon made and occasionally rinsing the rag out. He avoided his eye afraid to touch it and damage it further. The bleeding was slowing, but a steady stream of blood was still leaking from his eye.
“Did - did I get your eye too?” Killua was looking straight ahead at Gon’s bloodied collar. He still hadn’t looked Gon in the eye.
“I’m not sure.” Gon turned to look in the mirror behind him. He tried to open his eyelid, but it was impossible with all the swelling and the sharp pain it caused him. He flinched again and decided to let it rest closed. “I’m sure it’s fine.” Gon turned back smiling at Killua, but only got a frown in return. He knew he was lying.
Killua sighed and reached for the eyepatch. “I’ll give Leorio a call and see if he can come over in the morning to make sure it’s okay.”
“Okay.” Gon smiled as he waited for Killua.
“This might hurt a little, but we need to keep it covered until we can get it looked at okay.” He pulled the wrapper off of the gauze and readied the medical tape.
“Kay.” Gon sat still as Killua carefully placed the patch over his eye and secured it with the tape.
“There. All done.” Killua stepped back, but before he could get far Gon reached forward and grabbed Killua’s shoulders, stopping him from leaving and unknowingly gluing his feet to the ground.
“You’re so kind Killua, aren’t you?” Gon smiled big enough to close his eyes as he leaned forward.
Killua was wide eyed as he tried to process what Gon had said. His mind flashed back to his dream. Gon’s hollow bloodied chest and tear filled eyes burning with hate filled his vision and morphed with his memory of Gon’s bloody face. He seized up as the tears welled in his eyes and his breaths got shorter. “Aren’t you?” Rung through his head in the wet whisper of the dying Gon’s voice.
Gon pressed his forehead to Killua’s unaware of Killua’s predicament. “Thank you Killua.”
Killua couldn’t hold it anymore. He let out a sob as the renewed tears poured from his eyes and rolled over his cheeks. He resisted the urge to push Gon away for fear of hurting him again. He had already hurt him once and he could never forgive himself for it, even if Gon had already. He let his arms hang at his sides, curled into fists, fingernails digging into his palms.
“Killua?” Gon pulled away but kept his hands on his shoulders, “What’s wrong?”
“Killua continued sobbing, body shaking harder than before as uncontrollable wailing started. At first, Gon couldn’t understand what Killua was saying, but then the words grew clearer, only to bring tears to Gon’s eyes.
“I - I killed you.” Killua was facing the ground, fisting his shirt. “I r-ripped your h-heart out… A-and you… I’m sorry Gon.” His breath hitched as he tried to breathe through the tears, “I’m so sorry.”
“Gon pulled Killua into him so his head was placed on Gon’s chest. “Do you hear that Killua?” He wrapped his arms around Killua’s neck and bent over him to kiss the top of his head. “My heart’s still there. I’m okay. I’m here.” He kissed Killua’s hair again before letting him pull away. He leaned forward again and kissed Killua’s forehead. “I wouldn’t mind if it was you who stole my heart Killua.” Gon chuckled lightheartedly before kissing Killua’s nose.
“Idiot.” Killua sniffled as he looked up at Gon, meeting his eyes for the first time since he had first seen the damage he’d caused. Tears still rolled down his cheeks, but they were slowly coming to a stop.
“I might be an idiot, but at least I’m your idiot.” Gon slid down off the counter to give Killua a proper hug this time. He wrapped his arms around Killua’s waist and pressed his left cheek into Killua’s shoulder.
Killua tensed before ever so slowly lifting his arms to return the hug. He balled his hands into fists and kept them away from Gon. He was afraid to touch him, afraid he’d hurt him again, but he wasn’t about to push Gon away.
Gon pulled back after a moment and tried to stifle a yawn with the back of his hand. Killua pulled completely away backing up into the wall. He looked towards the bathroom door, wanting to escape, to leave and be far from Gon. To keep Gon safe.
“I- I’m going to go call Leorio. You should get some rest.” Killua moved towards the door but was stopped by a hand on his wrist.
“Don’t leave.” Killua turned back, but Gon wasn’t looking at him.
“I’m just going outside for a bit to make the call.” Killua pulled his hand away from the loose grip. “I’ll be right back.”
Gon was silent as he followed Killua back into the bedroom. His face was set into a frown, only serving to make Killua more nervous. He sat down on the edge of his bed and watched Killua as he fished for his phone in the nightstand. He didn’t want Killua to go anywhere. He had a feeling that if he let him go now, he’d never come back. But Gon also knew that Killua needed space. He would give him time if he needed it.
“When you get back will you tell me about it?” Gon was staring at Killua now, but Killua kept his back turned to him as he pulled his phone out of the drawer.
“T-tell you about what?”
“About your nightmare?” Gon had pulled his feet up onto the bed to sit cross-legged, hands on his knees and eye set with determination.
“Oh.” Killua slowly turned towards the door, eyes still not meeting Gon’s. “Sure.” And Killua was off making a beeline for the front door. He needed to get away. As far away from Gon as he could, but first he needed to make that call.
As the phone rang his brother’s words repeated in his head, over and over like a broken record. “You’ll kill him one day anyway.” The ringing stopped and Leorio’s groggy voice muffled his brother’s.
“Do you have any idea what time it is?”
“Yeah, sorry.” Killua’s voice was rough and odd sounding through the speaker.
“What’s wrong? What happened?” Leorio sounded wide awake now.
“Do I sound that bad?” Killua sighed into the receiver as he made his way down the street.
“Yeah. You sound like shit. So what happened?”
“Gon got hurt.” Killua almost whispered as he rounded the corner.
“Is it bad?” Only silence answered Leorio as Killua tried to stop picturing Gon’s blood covered face. “It’s bad isn’t it.”
“Yeah.”
“What happened?”
Those were the words he was dreading to hear. What would Leorio think when he found out it was him who hurt Gon? Killua stayed silent as he came upon a park and decided to make his way towards it.
“Killua?” Leorio sounded worried and that only furthered Killua’s anxiety.
“It’s his eye.” He finally managed a reply.
“His eye?”
“Yeah." He was silent for a moment before sighing, "Anyway, could you come take a look at it in the morning?” Killua took a seat on a swing and gripped the chain hard in his fist.
“No.” Leorio’s voice was stern and unforgiving.
Killua gripped his phone tighter and curled in on himself. “What?!” He growled into his phone. He was angry now. Angry at himself, but also angry at Leorio.
“I’m not coming over in the morning. I’m coming over right now. You better explain to me what happened to make me come over there at two in the morning, and what made you sound so shitty.” Now Leorio was seething. Before Killua could answer there was a click as Leorio hung up the phone.
Killua sighed as he shoved his phone in his pocket, but he didn’t move from the swing. He rocked back and forth slowly letting his feet drag against the ground. He was selfish, terribly so. He should get as far away from Gon now while he still had a chance. Run and never look back. He would be safer that way. But he didn’t want to. He wanted to stay by Gon’s side and never leave. The two sides of him fought back and forth for dominance as he swayed on the swing. He wasn’t sure how long he sat there, but before he knew it his phone was buzzing in his pocket. He pulled it out expecting to see Leorio’s caller ID but was surprised to see it was Kurapika. With a sigh, he answered and lifted the phone to his ear.
“Good morning Killua.” His voice was scratchy from the morning.
“Hi.” Killua leaned against the chain.
“Do you have any idea why Leorio bolted out of the house at two in the morning raving about Gon and ungrateful brats?” His voice had a light chuckle to it, but it was also laced with worry for his friends.
“Yeah.”
“Care to elaborate?” Killua could almost see Kurapika’s eyebrow rising through the phone.
Killua was silent for a moment. There was no use hiding anything so he sighed, “Gon got hurt and I asked Leorio to come take a look.”
“It was bad enough for him to come over now?”
Killua realized his voice must have sounded a lot better now than when he called Leorio. “I guess.” was all he could reply. The cuts certainly looked terrible, but Killua was unsure if it really warranted a visit before dawn. There was still a lot of blood when he last looked so he couldn’t be sure of how bad it actually was.
“Is he okay?” Kurapika sounded genuinely worried now.
“I don’t know. I think so.”
“How do you not know?” Kurapika sighed. “Where’s Gon? Put him on the phone.”
“He’s at home waiting for Leorio unless he’s already there.” Killua kicked the dirt under the swing, sending it flying.
“You’re not with him?” Kurapika’s voice rose in pitch and volume causing Killua to yank the phone away from his ear.
“No.” He whispered back into the phone after a moment. He was feeling guilty before for hurting Gon, but now a whole new wave of guilt washed over Killua.
“Don’t leave.” Gon’s words wrapped around him like a vise.
“Killua. I swear to- Go home!” Kurapika sounded exhausted through the phone, but Killua knew he was mad.
“Kay.” He huffed as he hopped off the swing and began to walk back through the park.
“Tell Gon I hope he gets better soon for me okay.” Kurapika’s voice was soft again.
“I will.” Killua stepped out of the park but found himself stuck on the sidewalk. He still didn’t want to go home.
“Thanks. Goodnight Killua.”
“Night.” Killua hung up the phone and slowly placed it into his pocket. He stood still taking in the cool night air before making his decision. He would go home, but he’d take the long way. He needed the space right now and he didn’t think he could sit by calmly while Leorio fixed up Gon’s eye. He turned right instead of left and made his way down the street and into the city.
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Gon huffed and laid back on the bed, the soft click of the front door ringing through the nearly empty room. His eye still hurt, but what hurt more was the hollow feeling in his chest. It was heavy and empty at the same time filling him up with dread. It was Killua’s fault he felt like this. Not because he had hurt him, but because of the way he had acted after. Something was hurting Killua and Gon wasn’t entirely sure what it was.
“I-I k-killed you…” Killua’s words drifted through the air, hanging heavy over Gon’s heart. What had he meant by that? Just what had happened in that nightmare to make him say that? “A-and you…” And he had done something? Gon was terribly confused.
What really bugged Gon was how Killua was avoiding him. He refused to look Gon in the eye most of the time and even when he had returned his hug, he didn’t touch him. He had looked like a scared kitten about to run away from the jaws of a dog. He was scared Gon realized, of what he wasn’t entirely sure, but he knew it involved him and that hurting him set Killua off.
“I hope he comes back soon,” Gon muttered to himself as he pulled himself up onto the bed to lay properly. He laid on his back and faced the ceiling, mapping it with his good eye as he tried to get some rest. Leorio would be here in the morning and Killua would surely be back by then. At least he hoped he would be. Gon wasn’t sure if he’d be able to forgive Killua if he stayed away too long. Before long Gon had fallen asleep.
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“Hello?” Gon awoke with a start. “Gon?” the voice came from the other side of the door.
“Killua?” Gon called into the dark. “Did you forget your key?” Gon stood up and made his way to the front door, only to find it already unlocked. He quirked an eyebrow as the person on the other side of the door knocked. Gon slowly opened the door, just a crack to see who was there.
“Gon!”
“Leorio!” Gon stepped back and opened the door all the way, allowing Leorio to take him in. Gon was still in his blood-stained tank top now dry and crusted. The patch on his eye was rust colored from the blood leaking through. “I thought you weren’t coming until the morning? It’s still dark out.”
“Killua sounded terrible so I came over right away.” Leorio looked around before taking Gon in. “Where is Killua?”
“I don’t know.” Gon looked away as he stepped aside to let Leorio in before shutting the door. “I thought you were Killua.”
“Me?” Leorio laughed before following Gon into the room and over to the bed.
“Yeah I thought he was back, but forgot his key or something.”
Leorio eyed the blood stained bed and ripped sheets. “Did something happen between you two?” Gon looked away and sat on the bed.
“No… not really… Kind of, but it’s not his fault.” Gon finally relented sighing as he looked up at Leorio with his one good eye.
“What do you mean?” Leorio moved to sit beside him, opening his briefcase next to him.
“He um… he had a nightmare and I guess it was really bad because he lashed out more than he usually does when he sleeps.” Gon crossed his legs in front of him as he faced Leorio.
“Hmm…” Leorio fished around inside his briefcase organizing some of his equipment. “Hold still I need to take this off and it might hurt a bit.” Leorio reached forward placing his fingertips over the eyepatch.
“Okay.” Gon braced himself, but the patch came off easily. What did hurt was the pained look on Leorio’s face? “Is it that bad?” Gon chewed his lip, waiting for the reply.
“It’s definitely going to need stitches, just one or two though for that middle cut. What I’m really worried about is your eye. All the bleeding reduced the swelling, so I should be able to get a look.”
“Okay.” Gon took a deep breath and tried to open his eye, but it only moved partway.
“Wait!” Leorio stopped Gon with a hand on his chin. “Don’t do that, you could make it worse. Let me stitch up your eyelid first.
With that Leorio began to work. First, he numbed the area around the eye and cleaned it up as carefully as he could before he lifted Gon’s eyelid and began to work, stitching the hole in his eyelid closed. He worked diligently and quickly, trying to limit any pain and side effects Gon might have.
“Now let's take a look at that eye.” Leorio kept Gon’s eyelid lifted as he shone a light into his eye. Gon flinched back, but Leorio moved with him. “That’s not looking good.” He mumbled as he let go of Gon. “It looks like he did get your eye pretty good. It won’t need surgery or anything, but even if it heals perfectly, you’ll probably lose some or nearly all of your sight in that eye.”
“I’m gonna be blind!?!” Gon’s mouth was agape as he leaned back.
“No, no.” Leorio laughed, “It’s not that bad, you’ll probably just have blurry eyesight. A bit worse than a normal person’s.”
“Thank goodness.” Gon sighed as he fell back on the bed.
Leorio laughed again. “Knowing you It’ll heal even better than I think. Now sit up so I can cover it.” Gon obeyed and sat up for Leorio. Leorio fished a proper eye patch out of his briefcase and fastened it over Gon’s eye. “You should wear this eye patch when you’re out and about, or sleeping to avoid irritating it, but make sure you let it air out every once in awhile so you don’t get bacteria growing in there.”
“Yes, sir!” Gon raised his hand in a mock salute before smiling, “Thank you Leorio! You’re a lifesaver.”
“Hardly.” Leorio scoffed and then let out a laugh. They hadn’t heard Killua open and close the front door as he returned. His presence was only made know when he entered the room, catching Leorio’s gaze.
“And where have you been.” Leorio’s gaze turned serious as he looked past Gon. Gon quirked an eyebrow before turning to see who Leorio was talking to.
“Killua!” Gon nearly tackled Killua but stopped when he caught the solemn look on his face. “Killua?” There was a moment before Killua looked up and smiled at Gon. His smile didn’t reach his eyes, and the red rings underneath them told him he had been crying again.
“Sorry. I lost track of time. Did Leorio take a look at your eye?”
“Y-yeah.” Gon watched Killua’s face bewildered as an array of emotions flitted across it before settling back on that fake smile. Gon didn’t like it. He wanted Killua to smile for real.
“You better be glad I came here so early to look at Gon. If I had waited until morning, it could’ve gotten a lot worse. Then he might have lost all of his eyesight!” Leorio was standing now as he approached Killua and chopped him on the head. “Jeeze. You had me worried out of my mind.” Leorio ruffled Killua’s hair.
“Sorry Leorio. Thanks for coming over so early.” Killua was looking at the ground again, avoiding both of their gazes.
That gave Leorio pause. Killua rarely if ever said thank you to him. After all, it was always Killua who said you didn’t need to thank friends. “It’s alright.” Leorio smiled down at him, “That’s what friends are for right?”
“Yeah…” Killua was quiet again.
“Well it’s getting late- er- early? Haha. So I’m going to head out.” Leorio turned to Gon, “Make sure to call me if it starts to hurt more than usual, or it starts to leak pus or something. I left you some pain killers.” He pointed to a bottle on the nightstand, “Take one every four hours if you need them. I’ll be by again in a couple of days to check on you.”
“Okay.” Gon nodded and smiled at Leorio, “Thank you.”
“I’ll walk you out.” Killua turned to head towards the door.
“Alright.” Leorio followed him leaving Gon in the bedroom.
“Are you alright?” Leorio asked as they walked down the short hall.
“Yeah. I’m fine.” Killua’s voice was soft with a little waver at the end that said he definitely wasn’t fine.
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah.” It was firmer this time as Killua opened the door for Leorio.
“If you say so.” Leorio didn’t want to push it. If Killua didn’t want to share with him that was fine. As long as he had Gon to talk to, Leorio knew Killua would pull through whatever was making him so gloomy. “Goodnight.” He stepped out of the door and began to walk without looking back.
“Night.” Killua closed the door and locked it before taking a deep breath and leaning his head against the door. He didn’t want to face Gon yet. He had thought he was ready when he came back home, but he had also thought Leorio would be long gone by now. The guilt gnawed at him again, slowly eating a hole through his heart.
Something about what Leorio said didn’t sit right with him.
“Then he might have lost all of his eyesight!” Killua’s eyes widened as he remembered the words.
“Then does that mean…?”
“Killua?”
Killua nearly jumped out of his skin at the voice behind him. He whirled around only to see Gon standing just a few feet behind him.
“Killua are you okay?” Gon took a tentative step forward.
“Yeah I’m fine.” Killua choked out as he pressed his back against the door.
“If you want.” Gon pulled back, “We can wait until later to talk…If you don’t want to…?”
Killua realized it was a question, but he wasn’t sure he wanted to answer either way. He knew they needed to talk and the sooner the better, but he really didn’t want to. He had been carrying that fear since nearly the day he had met Gon. It was only when he realized how important to him Gon was that the fear had really taken hold and sunk deep into his bones, weighing down every action Killua took. Every decision he made.
“I-” Killua fought the urge to bolt out of the door or fall to his knees. He bit his lip, wincing at the pain of the open wound from before. With a heavy sigh, he pushed himself away from the door, “I’ll tell you.” Killua looked up to see a soft smile on Gon’s lips as a hand reached out towards him, waiting patiently for Killua to take it in his. Killua tentatively took Gon’s hand and followed him back into the bedroom.
Gon had covered the sheets with a blanket to keep them out of Killua’s view as they made their way to the bed. Gon sat first, waiting for Killua to sit too, but he stayed standing, looking down at his feet.
“Killu-”
“Gon.” Killua cut him off as he finally looked back up at Gon. “There’s something I haven’t told you.” He sighed before moving to the bed, sitting so he was facing away from Gon and towards the window. “My broth-...” He took a breath and shook his head, “When we first met it was the first time I had freely left the house on my own, without orders from my parents, or a job to do. But-... But I wasn’t ever actually free.” His hand reached up to his forehead. Gon quirked an eyebrow up at that but stayed silent waiting for Killua to continue.
“Illumi-nii was controlling me for my parents. It wasn’t directly like I was a doll or something, but he rendered my emotions dull and switched my flight or fight response to flight automatically when the person I was facing was stronger than me.” He pulled his hand away from his forehead and let it slip into his lap, to hold his other one. “I was never supposed to find that needle, but because of you I was able to break away from my brother’s control.” Killua looked up at Gon.
“Because of me?” Gon tilted his head.
“Because of you, I was finally able to feel something other than the want to kill, but…” He trailed off and looked away, back at his hands as he gripped the end of his shirt tightly. “But sometimes that urge is still there. I don’t want it to be and I try really hard to drown it out, but sometimes I feel like I won’t be able to stop myself.” Tears sprang to his eyes for the hundredth time that night. Gon scooted closer and placed his hand on Killua’s shoulder, leaning in closer to him. This time, Killua didn’t tense up, he tried his best to relax into Gon’s touch.
“I’m just… I’m just so scared that maybe I’m not free of my old life. That one day I’ll really hurt-” He sniffed loudly and buried his face in his hands, “I’ve already hurt you… What if it had been worse, what if what happened in my dream came true?” He wrapped his arms around himself and tried to keep from shaking.
“What happened in your dream?” Gon was still leaning in to comfort Killua.
“I ripped your heart out and did nothing but push you away when you were dying.” Killua brought his knees up, placing his feet up on the bed to close himself off again. His voice was calm as if he was becoming detached from his words.
“And what did I do to you?”
“You-” His voice hitched as he pictured Gon’s face glaring daggers into him. “You didn’t do anything.” He curled into himself tighter. “I hurt you. You didn’t do anything to me.”
“Killua.” Gon was only inches from Killua’s face. “Tell me what I did in the dream.” Killua was shaking as Gon wrapped his arms around Killua, holding him tight.
“You… You looked at me like I was the worst thing in the word.” He felt Gon tense up beside him, “You called me a killer and you had every right to because I hurt you. Because I killed you.” His throat hurt from crying and he swallowed hard trying to keep himself from breathing too hard.
“I would never hate you Killua. Even if something like that happened I wouldn’t call you a killer.” Killua raised his head a little and peeked over his arm at Gon. He was crying too, soft tears rolled down his face, “Because you aren’t a killer anymore Killua. You saved me and Alluka and even Ikalgo. You are so much more than what you used to be.”
“I’m still scared.” Killua felt lighter after admitting the truth, “I don’t want to hurt you or any of our friends again.”
“I know.” Gon smiled as Killua lifted his head all the way to look at Gon. “I won’t let you, but I know you wouldn’t do it either.”
Killua gave a half-hearted smile. It was better than the fake one he had been wearing before. “What did Leorio say about your eye?” His face was dark again as he prepared for the worst.
“He gave me some stitches and said that I have to wear this eye patch for a little while.”
“S-stitches?” Killua’s eyes were wide. He looked away and bit his lip again.
“Yeah, only one or two. It wasn’t that bad.” Gon still had his arms wrapped around Killua, refusing to let him go. Afraid that he’d run if he did.
“What about your eye. Can you see?”
“Yeah. Everything is kind of blurry, though. Leorio said it’ll probably get better as it heals.” Gon chuckled, “Knowing me and how fast I heal I should be fine and back to normal in no time!” Gon pulled the arm that was wrapped around Killua’s knees away to give him a thumbs up. Killua let his knees drop so his feet hit the floor, finally opening up to Gon.
Killua was tired. It had been a long night for the both of them. All of the stress and crying had only furthered his desire to just lay down and sleep forever. He felt a yawn rising up in his throat, but he suppressed it. He wrapped his arms around himself only to have Gon prying them away.
“What?” Killua let his arms be pulled to his sides.
“Stop doing that.” Gon was pouting now. Killua looked at him with confusion lacing his features. “Stop hiding.” Gon huffed.
“I- I’m not hiding.” Killua turned to Gon and imitated his pout.
“Yes, you are. You keep wrapping yourself up.” Gon got up to stand in front of Killua. He leaned forward and placed his hands on Killua’s knees, forcing him to lean back and use his hands for support.
“G-Gon.” Blush crept across his face as he tried to avoid Gon’s determined gaze. It was hard to do when Gon was blocking his entire view. Killua couldn’t stop the yawn this time. He tried his best to stifle it, but it got out and made Gon freeze for a moment as a yawn overtook him too.
“It’s contagious!” Gon laughed as he rocked back on his heels, letting Killua go.
Killua glanced at the clock and read the time. 4:45 in the morning. The sun would be coming up soon. “We should probably go to bed.” Killua sighed as he stood.
“Yeah. I’m getting pretty tired.” Gon yawned again and headed for the dresser. Killua went the opposite way, headed for the linen closet.
“Where are you going?” Gon had turned around with his shirt only half off as he glanced at Killua with a worried eye.
“I’m just getting new sheets from the closet?” He stopped with his hand on the door frame before his brain kicked in, “I’m not going to leave.” Killua smiled. It was small but genuine this time.
“Oh.” Was all Gon could say, before he turned back around and continued to strip.
He had fully changed clothes into a new set of shorts and a tank top before Killua came back in the room carrying a bundle of sheets and a blanket. He looked around and groaned as he realized his mistake. He had yet to take the dirty sheets off the bed, so now he had nowhere to set the clean sheets.
“Here.” Gon laughed as he held out his arms. Reluctantly Killua dumped the pile of sheets into Gon’s arms and then set to work, stripping the bed in such a way that he wouldn’t have to see the huge rust-colored stain. It didn’t stop him from seeing the smaller stain on the mattress where the blood had leaked through, though. The guilt rose up in him again, a feeling Killua was sure would never fully go away.
He threw the ruined sheets into the hallway. He’d deal with them in the morning. For now all he wanted was to sleep, but he was afraid that dream would come again too. He made the bed in record time with little to no help from Gon, not that he was complaining.
“All done?” Gon yawned as he fell back against the bed.
“Yeah.” Killua sighed as he made his way to the dresser to get changed as well. When Killua had finished he turned around to see Gon already under the covers with his eye closed. Killua made his way to the bed and laid down on his side, careful not to disturb Gon, who was already fast asleep, lying on his back. He laid facing away from Gon, back to the door and face towards the window.
“Killua.” Gon yawned as he opened his eye. Killua turned over to look at him and was quickly embraced by Gon’s strong arms. Killua’s face was pressed into Gon’s chest. It was warm and Killua squirmed to get free of Gon’s hold, but Gon refused to let go, only allowing Killua to turn his head so his ear rested up against his chest.
“Gon,” Killua whined. “Let go.”
“No.” Gon yawned again. “Stay with me.” There was no arguing this. Killua huffed and gave in, letting Gon hold him. He could hear Gon’s heartbeat, slow and steady. It was soothing to hear and Killua found himself drifting towards sleep.
“You know…” Gon started rousing Killua from his half-asleep state, “I think about that sometimes too.” Gon was quiet for a moment as he contemplated his words. He felt Killua shift under his arms to look up at him. “That one day I’ll lose control again and throw everything away like before, but that this time- next time I won’t be able to tell my friends apart from my enemies.” Gon squeezed Killua tighter. “ But I know you’d stop me if it came to that. It’s because you’re here that I’m not worried. If you were to leave… I don’t know what I’d do…”
“You’ll kill him one day.” The words echoed in his head as he watched Gon as he spoke. He tried to ignore it and turned back to face Gon’s chest. “I won’t leave,” Killua whispered into Gon’s shirt.
Gon hummed before yawning again and settling back down. “Thank you Killua.”
He was silent for a long while as he listened to Gon’s breaths even out and his heartbeat slow to a steady beat signaling he had finally fallen asleep. “If this is a dream…” Killua whispered to himself, “And my dream was real…” He sniffed and nuzzled into Gon’s chest. “Then I don’t ever want to wake up…” He felt Gon’s breath against his face as he grumbled something again and rested his cheek on Killua’s fluffy hair. Then he was out.