Work Text:
In Harris’ defense, he decided to do it because he thought it would be hilarious to watch the players come in one by one, act cocky, then fail spectacularly.
Zane Boodram’s? Was especially spectacular.
“Watch him say I got it perfect,” he had said to Wyatt Hayes behind him.
“You got 7.6 inches,” Harris says from behind the camera.
“What!” he gasps, grabbing his hand and turning the tape measure so that he could see the number for himself. “Is this a prank tape measure?”
Wyatt is cackling behind him, “Why the—” he gasps for air, “Why the hell would he get a fake tape measure to fuck with you, Bood?”
Harris clears his throat, “Do you wanna give it a shot too, Hazy?”
With a shrug, he motions for him to try. Harris snaps the tape measure shut and then extends his arm out to Wyatt. Harris is sure he’s going to have to speed this part up, because the amount of time that Wyatt takes before he is finally happy with himself qualifies as absurd.
“8.2,” Harris says, turning it for them to look.
“Ha!” Bood points at Wyatt,
“Shut up, asshole, I did better than you did,” Wyatt says, pushing Bood in front, signing for him to go ahead so they could get on the ice for beginning of practice.
It’s a few minutes later that Luca Haas approaches with Ilya Rozanov.
“What is this?” Ilya asks, when he sees Harris standing next to his phone, filming, and a tape measure in his hand. “Are you measuring out real heights?”
“No, your task,” Harris holds out his hand, “is to pull out exactly 9 inches without looking.”
Ilya does very little to hide the devilish look on his face before turning to Luca, “Go ahead, kid,”
“Why me?”
“Because I am going to win.”
“Cocky, much?” Luca says, Ilya shrugs, “How many centimeters is that?”
It occurs to Harris then that both the men in front of him were European and he did not know the conversion. Just as he scrambles to get his phone, Ilya answers, “About twenty three. A little under but, close.”
Luca nods and reaches out for his attempt.
“Why do you know that?” Ilya only looks at the camera and winks. Harris refrains from rolling his eyes but makes a mental note to edit the video with some meme about Ilya being a known asshole. “8 inches exactly,” he says to Luca.
“Good job, you did better than I thought.”
“Sure,” he rolls his eyes at Ilya, and walks off onto the entrance for the ice rink area.
“Now,” Ilya looks at the camera, “Let me show you how this is done.” He grabs the tab of the tape measure, pulls it out, and within the minute, he says to Harris, “9 inches.”
“Holy shit, Rozy”
Ilya laughs, points at the camera, “That’s how you fucking win the game, assholes!”
“Congratulations, you might be the only one who will get this.”
He hums, “Hollander will too.”
“Bet on it.”
“Just watch.”
It’s another ten minutes before Hollander shows up.
He walks up to Harris without him having to call for Shane, “Ilya texted me that I should talk to you when I get here,” he looks at the tape measure, “What’s that for?”
“Your task is to pull out exactly 9 inches without looking at the numbers,” he explains, Shane raises his brows, “Ilya bet that you’d get it exactly.”
Shane snorts, “Of course he did.” He motions for Harris to reach out the tape measure. And just like Ilya, he takes less than a minute before he’s satisfied with his work. And just like Ilya, he has it down exactly. “There. 9 inches.”
Harris, for some reason, decides to fuck with him. He pulls it closer, and shakes his head, “Nope, you’re short a couple inches.”
“No, I’m not.”
“Yes, you are?” he pushes, making another mental note to add a meme on this part too.
Shane looks at Harris, then down at his offering for the challenge. He tilts his head, “I’m not.”
“Shit, man, how the fuck did you do that?” Harris relents, showing him that Shane was, in fact, on the dot for 9 inches.
Shane just shrugs and smiles shyly.
After practice is over, Harris manages to catch Rozanov and Hollander as they are leaving the dressing room back in their normal clothes.
“Guys,” he calls for them, pulling out his phone as they approached hand in hand. “You were the only two that got the challenge right today,” he says after pressing record.
Ilya laughs and Shane’s cheeks go just slightly pink. “Where is our prize?”
“Rozanov, you know what your prize is,” Hollander says to him and his husband’s eyebrows shoot up.
“I have to ask though, before everyone else does,” Harris continues, getting their attention back, “How the actual fuck were you not only so exact, but so quick to get it right?”
“Well—” Ilya starts.
“We’re married,” Shane answers simply.
“Sorry?”
“Harris,” Ilya says, now having caught that Shane was gonna be a cheeky shit about this with him, “When two people love each other very much—”
“Okay!” he cuts them short, making them burst into laughter, “Thank you for participating and congrats on winning!”
Ilya pulls Shane’s hand up to kiss it before wrapping it around his shoulder. Harris follows them with the camera as they walk off, Ilya whispering something in Shane’s ear that makes him start laughing all over again.
Harris makes a mental note to add a line asking to sign a petition so he can be freed from the prison that is this job when editing the video.
ema 🪩 | @hollzys13
i would say the implication of ilya’s dick being 9 inches but that was basically hollanov looking down the camera and announcing it
L❓🎱🎲⭐️🕷️ | @17darwinism (replying to ema 🪩 | @hollzys13)
NO CUZ WTF IS OUR LIFE RN TWIN
joce 🪩 | @joooccceee
i am truly loving this new version of shane wdym he’s the one who made the first my husbands dick is big joke in that video
callie ✂️ | @rozzzanov81 (replying to joce 🪩 | @joooccceee)
montreal metros found dead in a ditch
vera IS SEEING BTS | @hollanovtruther24 (replying to callie ✂️ | @rozzzanov81)
ilya put them there
angie 🏒 | @hollzysilyaas7
tHE CONCEPT OF SHANE TAKING NINE INCHES????????
lola loves f1 | @lucahaaslover28 (replying to angie 🏒 | @hollzysilyaas7)
on the regular ………… its a wonder he can walk istg 😭😭😭
brina ☕ | @ilyasshotofespresso (replying to lola | @lucahaaslover28)
mama hollander didnt raise no quitter i guess
bruce loves maisie peters 🪶 | @thegoodwitchrozanov81
we’re not talking enough ab the editing on this video like the meme of ross going get a load of this guy when ilya winks at the camera like a fuckboy KILLED ME centaurs social media guy marry me LMFAOOO
callie ✂️ | @rozzzanov81 (replying to bruce loves maisie peters 🪶 | @thegoodwitchrozanov81)
and the lying liar who lies when he fucked w hollander about his answer he kills me is he single and is he looking for a wife
joce 🪩 | @joooccceee (replying to callie ✂️ | @rozzzanov81)
guys cens social media guy is harris. as in troy barrett’s harris.
callie ✂️ | @rozzzanov81 (replying to joce 🪩 | @joooccceee)
HOLY SHIT MY BAD I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS THE SAME GUY SORRY MR BARRET DID NOT MEAN TO TAKE UR MAN
Ilya Rozanov 🔵 | @ilyarozanov81 (quote retweeting Ottawa Centaurs Official 🔵 | @ottawacentaursofficial)
i love my husband 😁😁😁
Ilya Rozanov 🔵 | @ilyarozanov81
that’s all Shane is letting me post :/
colin ? | @censsuperfan181 (replying to Ilya Rozanov 🔵 | @ilyarozanov81)
rozy blink twice if u need help
ema 🪩 | @hollzys13 (replying to colin ? | @censsuperfan181)
help???? girl he is EXACTLY where he wants to be
(Ilya Rozanov 🔵 | @ilyarozanov81 liked this)
Shane Hollander 🔵 | @shanehollanderofficial (quote retweeting Ilya Rozanov 🔵 | @ilyarozanov81)
I love you. You are not tweeting about our sex life on main.
L❓🎱🎲⭐️🕷️ @17darwinism (quote retweeting Shane Hollander 🔵 | @shanehollanderofficial)
do not worry, Shane Hollander, we already know everything important about you and Ilya’s sex life.
ema 🪩 (ILYA KNOWS I EXIST??) | @hollzys13 (replying to L❓🎱🎲⭐️🕷️ | @17darwinism)
i’ll see everyone on archiveofourown dot org
angie 🏒 | @hollzysilyaas7 (replying to ema 🪩 (ILYA KNOWS I EXIST??) | @hollzys13)
WHOOOO wants to bet ilya is already on there bros getting ideas
ema 🪩 (ILYA KNOWS I EXIST??) | @hollzys13 (replying to angie 🏒 | @hollzysilyaas7)
ideas? baby he built the house
(Ilya Rozanov 🔵 | @ilyarozanov81 liked this)
(Ilya Rozanov 🔵 | @ilyarozanov81 unliked this)