Chapter Text
“...And the next song is for everybody who avoids their friends. Or friends of their friends. You have mutual friends, which means they should be cool, right? Anyway, here it is - ‘Misunderstanding’ by Genesis.”
Steve was already putting the song on, waiting for the signal that would mean they’re off the air.
“So,” he started as soon as he got it, “what was that about?”
“What do you mean?” Robin asked a bit frantically. She couldn’t sit still. Well, even more than usual.
“Come on, Robin,” Steve said, watching her anxiously pick at her nails, “you’ve been like this since you returned from the hospital.”
“It’s probably nothing,” she starts jabbering, “I just went to see Vickie, that’s all.”
“Did you two get in a fight?”
“No!” Robin exclaimed, “I’ve caught her in a hospital hall. She dragged me into one of the rooms so we could kiss.”
Robin’s face lightened with a little smile.
“Sounds good so far,” Steve smiled back at her, “what’s the problem then?”
“Well,” Robin got anxious again, “I was kinda carried away and didn’t close the door fully. So one second I kiss her, and the other I hear somebody drop something on the floor, and I see the door open just a little bit.”
“Somebody dropped something, it didn’t mean anybody saw you.”
“But I think they did,” she turned her attention back to her fingernails, “when I peeked out of the room, I saw them running away.”
“Who?” Steve frowned.
“I think it was Will Byers,” she looked at Steve, “he was rushing away, but I think I’ve recognized his weird hairdo.”
“Well,” Steve exhaled with relief, “it could be worse. If Will saw you two, I don’t think he’d cause any trouble for either you or Vickie. I can’t see this kid being hateful or something.”
“Then why would he run away like this?” Robin whined, “Even if you think he’s harmless, which I think I agree, surely he’d want to discuss it with somebody! It seems like it was a shock to him.”
“Will seems like a pretty private person to me. I don’t think he’d necessarily talk to anybody about it,” Steve kept shuffling through his sound effect tapes, “maybe you should just talk to him.”
“I tried!” Robin threw her hands in the air, “he literally ran away! I didn’t want to chase him in the hall of a busy hospital.”
“It shouldn’t be hard to find him now,” Steve replied, still organizing the tapes.
“Yeah…” Robin sagged a little, “I don’t think the guy has a single evil bone in him either, but why would he react like this?”
Steve stopped, contemplating.
“If I take a guess, I’d say he’s afraid to be associated with… that kind of stuff,” he said quietly.
“Why?” Robin looked at him, confused.
“From what I’ve heard from Dustin, the kid was bullied a lot back in elementary school. He was called names a lot, mostly things that implied… yeah,” Steve sighed, “I don’t think he has a prejudice about it or something, but I can see him not wanting to take any risks.”
“Do you think he could be gay?” Robin asked, suddenly for Steve.
“Just because he was called gay doesn’t mean he is,” Steve rolled his eyes.
“But think about it,” she said, pointing at him, “he’s the only kid that never showed any interest in the opposite sex so far. We never saw him dating anyone.”
“I think I’ve seen him dancing with a girl,” Steve shrugged, “like four years ago.”
“It doesn’t count,” Robin snorted, “they were just little kids back then.”
“So?”
“I tried to ‘like' guys when I was a kid, too!” Robin's smile turned a little sad, “I wanted to feel normal back then. It was long before I realized that I’m just not into it. Besides, he could be bi.”
“Be… what?”
“Bi? Bisexual?” Robin raised her eyebrows, as if it should’ve clarified her words. “You know, when someone could be attracted to both men and women?”
“Is that a thing?”
“Yeah,” she said, like it was the most obvious thing, “Vickie is.”
“Isn't she a lesbian?”
“She dated a guy during spring break last year.”
“Oh, right,” Steve replied, a little confused, “Completely forgot about that. I thought she changed her mind or something.”
“That's not how it works!” Robin laughed, throwing a crumpled piece of paper at him.
“Enlighten me then,” Steve replied, catching the paper and throwing it back.
“She said she was just always like that,” Robin started, failing to catch the thing, making it fall on the floor, “like she always was attracted to both and thought that everybody was like this. Like people just need to choose…”
Robin suddenly stopped, looking at Steve
“Huh,” she added, deep in thought.
“What?” Steve asked, confused.
“I've just remembered that there was a point when I wondered if you're bi too,” Robin admitted, looking at him closely.
“And why is that?” Steve blinked at her, not following her thought.
“I'm not sure,” she paused, “Are you sure you're not bi?”
“Yes?” Steve scoffed.
Robin looked at him for a second longer and just shrugged, about to turn to the microphone, but paused.
“But you’re right, I guess,” she sighed, circling back to the start of the conversation, “I need to find a way to talk to Will. Do you know if they’re going to gather here any time soon?”
“Other than the usual DnD on Saturdays? I don’t know.”
“I don’t feel like talking to him with all their party around,” Robin frowned, “I guess I need to find a way to talk to him outside of it.”
She turned back to her mic, ready to start talking after the current song, which meant Steve should get ready for the next round of chaotic soundboard management.
-----
“Steve!” Dustin yelled joyfully, banging on the glass. He was standing outside of their booth with a big box in his hands and an even bigger grin on his face.
Steve ran out of the booth, shushing him.
“We could be on air, you know?” He berated the younger one.
“Duh!” Dustin rolled his eyes, “I've checked the ‘on air’ sign before knocking. Anyway!”
He put the box on the nearby table and started to dig into it.
“What is it?” Steve couldn't help but ask, feeling unease spreading in his chest.
“They're finally done!” Dustin said happily as he produced the item from the box, proving Steve's feeling.
“Oh no,” Steve started when Dustin took the first shirt out, “I thought we talked about it!”
“We've talked, and I've promised to be careful,” Dustin agreed, showing the Hellfire print on a gray shirt.
Steve sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. He kind of hoped that after the original shirt was ruined, Dustin would be safer now. He didn't think he explicitly needed to forbid him from creating new ones.
“How's that for careful?” He demanded.
“It's less recognizable,” Dustin replied with confidence, “it has a different color scheme, and the print is just black. It won't work as a red rag for the assholes as the old one did.”
Steve put his hands on his waist, examining the shirt closely. Dustin kind of has the point, but he still didn't feel comfortable about it.
“Come on,” Dustin kept going, “you didn't expect me to get rid of everything, did you?”
“Why?” Steve asked, defeated, “Why do you need to do it?”
“I need something that could connect me to Eddie,” Dustin replied, his voice smaller, “otherwise it feels like I'm betraying him.”
“You're not betraying him,” Steve went closer and put a hand on Dustin’s shoulder, “Of all people, you're the one who remembers him the most.”
“Yes, but…” Dustin steadied his breath, “he never hid himself, never tried to compromise or blend in. He was always himself without compromises.”
“And he also wanted you to be safe,” Steve squeezed his shoulder, “you know it better than anyone.”
Dustin made a sound suspiciously similar to a sniff. His gaze shifted to the ground before him, probably thinking of the moment he saw Eddie cutting the makeshift rope for the hundredth time.
“Let's make a deal,” Steve disturbed the silence after a while, “if we find another way to keep the memory of him, you won't wear this shirt.”
“I want to wear it,” Dustin shook his head, “otherwise it would feel like they won.”
“You know the school isn't that important?” Steve sighed, “You have how much? A couple of years left? After that, you'll graduate, and none of it will matter.”
“Eddie will still matter,” Dusting protested.
“That's not what I meant,” Steve closed his eyes for a second, “I’m talking about all this school stuff.”
“So you suggest I hide myself from the school assholes until I graduate?”
“Kind of?”
“Then I'll agree not to wear the shirt to school specifically,” Dustin looked up at Steve with determination, “but I still want to wear it outside of school.”
Steve looked back at him. He knew this look - the kid made his decision, and it won't be easy to argue against it. Besides, his reasoning unfortunately made sense.
“Okay,” Steve sighed with defeat, “no Hellfire stuff at school.”
Dustin smiled at him reluctantly.
“You still didn't say how good they are,” Dustin said, throwing one shirt to Steve and going to the box.
“Even if they are, it isn't like you sew them yourself or something,” Steve grumbled. He had to agree - the material felt softer, the overall quality seemed better, and refusing to use the old color palette was a smart decision.
Dustin ignored the comment. He took the box and headed outside.
“I need your trunk open!” He yelled, walking outside. Steve didn't have a choice but to follow him.
“Why do you want to put your shirts in my car?” He grumbled while opening.
“Because I want to stay here until the night segment,” Dustin stated a little quieter, “I've told mom already.”
“Oh,” Steve paused, “Okay then.”
It wasn't the first time Dustin stayed like this. He usually hangs out with him and Robin and does his homework when he should stay out of the way. The kid knows how to make himself busy without pestering others every second.
When the official radio hours were coming to an end, Robin said her goodbyes to the listeners and put on a couple of songs that were supposed to be the last ones in today's broadcast. She said goodbye to Steve and Dustin, too, and left them alone to check everything and close the station for the day.
“Any suggestions for the first song today?” Steve asked Dustin when they finished placing the vinyls in their places.
The kid made his way to the small shelf with metal songs, looking through the contents.
“This one,” he said, showing the black cover with the name of the song in cyan, “it reminds me of Eddie the most.”
Steve could only nod in response; he fully agreed with Dustin on it. He took “The Unforgiven” from his friend's hands and put it in the pile of songs he usually played at night.
They went back to the booth, waiting for Robin's songs to end.
“Why did you never tell me about these songs yourself?” Dustin asked quietly, sitting next to Steve.
To be fair, Steve never told anyone about it except Robin. And even she knew about it, mainly because the station was more her thing than his. Besides, Steve felt kind of weird about the whole thing, like he wasn’t fully allowed to grieve the guy he barely knew. Especially when there was Dustin, who was clearly affected by Eddie’s death way more. Of course, Steve knew of him, but they had only about a week to get to know each other. Still, those days shifted something in Steve, something he refused to look into in the moment, thinking he’d have time for it when the shit was over.
But then Eddie died, and he took that unexplored part of Steve with him. So maybe grieving something about himself and something that could’ve been was kind of too selfish to mention to Dustin. It was as if he was physically unable to talk about any of it, and putting on songs kind of helped.
The whole segment used to start with Kate Bush for Max, and Metallica usually came second after that. But when Max woke up, Steve wasn't sure if keeping her song was okay, so he asked her specifically. She was touched, even if she wasn't comfortable with showing it. She also wasn't comfortable being among other dead people, so Kate Bush went to rest, making Metallica the opening song.
Also, she apparently told Lucas about the whole thing. The day after that, Dustin barged into the station. He almost toppled Steve over with a squishing hug, and he stayed like this for a while, sobbing in Steve's chest, before he even explained what Lucas told him.
“I don't know,” Steve admitted, “Maybe it'd sound stupid, but I never wanted it to look like I was doing it for somebody. I just wanted to do something to remember them.”
“I was so convinced I was the only one who didn't want to forget him, and it made me so angry,” Dustin confessed quietly, “knowing that you're doing this would help a lot.”
Hearing this, Steve suddenly remembered one more conversation on the matter.
“I think I have an idea of what to do that Eddie would appreciate,” he said, earning a curious look from Dustin, “we could try to visit his uncle.”
“Are you sure?” Dustin frowned understandably; Steve still sometimes had nightmares that included the trailer and the portal in its ceiling.
“Yeah,” he nodded, “I had a little chat with him a while ago.”
“You did?!”
“Robin and I went to a store that day. To be fair, he approached Robin first, but soon he came to me.” Steve ran his hand through his hair, remembering, “He tried to thank Robin for Metallica. She told him I was doing it and… yeah.”
“What did he say?”
“He said it reminded him of Eddie, and hearing somebody not being afraid playing it made him feel better, knowing how bad Hawkins thinks about metal after the whole thing.”
“Did you tell him it was in Eddie's memory?”
“Yeah,” Steve admitted shyly, “when he left the store, I caught up with him in a parking lot and told him. Didn't want to do it in the store. He… was thankful.”
Steve suddenly got too self-conscious to tell all the details. In truth, Mr. Munson hugged him tightly and began to cry. It was the moment Steve could never forget, even if he didn't know what to do with all the emotions. Steve even cried a little himself in the older man's arms. But luckily for him, Mr. Munson did seem like the kind of person who would ever address it.
“Okay,” Dustin said thoughtfully, “I'll ask Max if she knows anything about his work schedule, and we could check on him.”
When Robin's songs were over, they waited for a while as usual, to make sure some people changed the station, and put on the first song. They both went completely silent and, as the vocalist was singing the lyrics Steve knew by heart now, Dustin was quietly breathing next to him. He wasn't bawling his eyes out like he did when they did it together for the first time, but it clearly still affected him.
Steve could never blame Dustin for it. When Steve started doing it, for the first few weeks, the chance of him crying hard to these songs was too high. Realistically, it was one of the main reasons he never told anybody about it and asked Robin to leave him alone when he did it.
Luckily, when Dustin found out about it, his own emotions were already much steadier. Now he could be there for his younger friend without making it about himself. Although it didn't mean he doesn't have a light cry sometimes when the lyrics hit harder than usual.
Several more tracks followed Metallica - one for Chrissy, one for Fred, even one for Barb and one for Billy, by Max’s request. When the last song was over, they sat in silence for a little while before Steve squeezed Dustin’s shoulder and stood up to start turning everything off. Only when they went to Steve's car did they break the silence, making short comments about placing the bike in it. Though the drive to Dustin’s home was still quite silent.
“I'll let you know when I know something about Mr. Munson’s schedule,” Dustin said as they were taking his things out of Steve's car outside Dustin’s home. For a second, he almost forgot the box with Hellfire shirts in Steve's trunk.
When Steve got home, he was a little surprised to see one of the shirts actually forgotten in his car. It was the one Dustin gave him to look at, and they didn't place it in the box after that.
That's how Steve ended up with one of the Hellfire shirts in his hands in his bedroom. He was looking at it closely, feeling the fabric underneath his fingers. He already admitted to himself that it felt pretty good, and Steve wasn't the person to turn down a good piece of clothing these days.
Reluctantly, he stood up and took off his own shirt, putting on the new one. It did feel pretty good. He would never wear it in public, but at home?
While walking around the house, Steve caught his own reflection and stopped. Seeing himself in the Hellfire shirt and jeans made him remember one more piece of clothing.
Steve made his way to his wardrobe and dug in the depths to find a box with another thing that he told nobody about. He opened the box and took the familiar denim vest out. He spent so much time and effort getting rid of all the blood and dirt without damaging anything.
Reluctantly, Steve put the vest on and went to the mirror again. He didn't look particularly bad, but he didn't look like him. Feeling awkward already, he put his hand before his eyes so he couldn't see his head in the reflection, only the rest of his body. He tried to turn to look at himself from different sides and chucked humourlessly, feeling stupid.
It wasn't it. And it never will be. Steve sighed deeply.
He took off the vest, avoiding looking in the mirror. But, as he was about to get to his bed, he decided to stay in the shirt. It was a bit chilly at home to sleep without it comfortably, he thought to himself. There's nothing weird about sleeping in a random shirt.
And if this night Steve had a dream about Eddie hugging him, nobody ever needed to know about it.