Chapter Text
Look. I didn't want to be immortal.
When Zeus asked - well actually it wasn't even a question, not really. He just acted like it was the biggest inconvenience for him, but surely I expected to be made immortal for, as a thank-you for saving Olympus and the age of the gods. Why am I still explaining this? Maybe it's the reason I turned down godhood. Well, one of the reasons, there were a couple, but the main one was because I was standing next to Annabeth only caring that she was still alive and standing by my side.
I didn't want to give that up. I refused to.
Yeah, yeah, you're going to ask why it didn't hit me that I liked her then, right? Or way before, like when I felt sick at the thought of her potentially joining the Hunters of Artemis. Or when she said I was the bravest person she knew. Or when she kissed me on the cheek after we won the chariot race. Or when she kissed me on the lips right before I caused an eruption from inside Mt Saint Helens. Or-
Okay you're probably wondering why I didn't realize she liked ME. And if that's the case, you're like everybody else at Camp.
Look, I didn't know she liked me because I don't know WHY she would like me, okay? People are always saying "wow you knew Annabeth for three years before you realized, why - and HOW did it take so long?!"
Listen, it's because I'm not smart. And I have three things going for me, water powers, being good with a sword (pretty good, with one weapon. You do not want to see me shoot a bow. You actually don't want to be anywhere around or it's very possible you'll get hit. Totally unintentionally too, and that's the problem) oh and sarcasm. That one's a factory setting. I'm pretty sure after I was born when the nurse or doctor or whoever has to make sure you're healthy and alive, I probably gave them the baby version of "wow I'm breathing and my heart's beating and everything, but no I'm actually not alive, you totally made a mistake"
Or something. Annabeth has been the only person who can sort of shut down these settings, but temporarily. Like, she'll look at me or grab my wrist or hand, or say my name. Just "Percy" and I know to shut up, that there's no need for sarcasm. (Or, that me indulging in my skill with it will actively put me in jeopardy of dying.) Which happens, or actually the worry of dying is massive now that I don't have the curse of Achilles going on. Or maybe it was a blessing, except on his heel. I'd say based on reading the Iliad Achilles's actual curse was being a massive jerk and even talking shit to his closest friends. Seriously, that dude also had an anger problem. Who drags a dead guy around his entire city over and over? I mean, if we're going on the interpretation that Achilles was in love with Patroklos the guy that Hector killed, so he killed Hector and THAT'S what made him snap enough to drag Hector's body around the walls of Troy... Okay, look. I remember what it felt like for me when Annabeth was gone. I completely went against every single rule of Camp Half-blood. And okay, I may get in trouble as easy as it is to breathe, but I don't LIKE it. I'm not actively going out of my way to break rules.
Except to rescue Grover in the sea of monsters, and to find Annabeth.
And if she - gods I don't even like thinking about it. We both fell into and survived Tartarus. Together. I refused to let go of her, and... maybe she would have died if I did. I don't know. But the thing is, if I lost her, I can't say I wouldn't do something crazy.
(Okay, yes some things I do already consistently appear to be crazy, so that isn't the word - depraved, maybe. Incomprehensible. You like those? I helped Annabeth study for some big test where she needed to know a ton of vocabulary words. The act test? The sit test? I don't remember what it's called, I just remember a few of the words.)
Anyway. What was I saying? It's the ADHD, sorry- my brain jumps to all the places like one of those super balls that some kids fling at walls or the tile floor at school as hard as they can so they're pinging off the hallway walls like heavy artillery. And then my brain sticks on something like that ball getting stuck in a gigantic wad of gum. I can focus sometimes, but it's not on what I want or need to focus on, usually.
Except in a high-stakes situation like a battle. Then I'm focused on everything I need to focus on. It sucks when the only time you really feel absolutely, completely able to understand what's going on around you is when you're literally fighting for your life. (And trust me, I know this super well by now after how many times I've had to fight against gods and Titans and giants and monsters.)
It sucks when you only dream about terrifying or sad stuff, or both at the same time- or your dreams are SUPER weird but you can't stop thinking about them because they mean something, they always mean something. And you just want to have nice, normal days where you go wait for your girlfriend to get done with class and then you walk with her or sit outside somewhere while she's reading or writing something down or sketching an architecture design in her notebook. And you watch the way her eyes shine, how she's like, lit up because she's doing something she thinks is fun as well as super awesome, and you know your eyes cross or glaze over when she talks a lot about the stuff she's doing and learning, but you try really hard to listen and not let the world slip away in places before you get shoved back into a subsequent moment after missing something. You fight off your own brain as much as any monsters that come for you, and you try to prove yourself.
Not to the gods, not to have made the right choice by refusing the offer to become immortal, but to prove to yourself that you're doing right by your girlfriend. That you're showing her, every moment together, that you care. And even when you aren't together physically that you think about her and about how much she means to you.
Okay, I might sound a little obsessed. But really it's just super important to me that Annabeth knows I'm here for her. That I'm not going anywhere, even though it took me a long time to figure out how she feels about me. That I'll take all the aspects - another test word - of being a demigod (whether I like all of them or not) because it's how I met her in the first place.
So, you're still asking- was I ever tempted to say yes to being immortal?
Shit no. Absolutely not.