Work Text:
H: “Do you think I should be more public? Maybe try to climb up the rankings?”
Denki’s cheeks bulge out as he stares at the bite mark in the burger he’s holding.
D: “Babe, you hate the spotlight. Why would you want more of it?” he mumbles, talking through the food in his mouth.
H: “I don’t know. Maybe I need a change of environment.”
D: “What’s going on, Toshi?”
H: “Nothing.”
D: “I know you. This isn’t nothing. Talk to me.”
H: “I don’t know. I just feel…kind of dead inside. Everything’s always the same. The bureaucratic bullshit of the job is the same. One person says to do it one way, then another person says do it a different way - you know, paperwork. They are never in agreement. It’s like we just keep circling around the same issue and nothing gets accomplished and I’m the one caught in the middle of it. Nothing is ever good enough. ”
D: “And you think that will change with more publicity? Babe, it makes it worse.”
Hitoshi rubs his hands over his face.
H: “I don’t know. I don’t know about anything anymore.”
D: “You’re overwhelmed and it’s unnecessarily stressing you out. Going more public will just make that worse.”
Hitoshi doesn’t respond. He doesn’t make eye contact with Denki. He sighs, stands up, and walks to their bedroom. He climbs onto the bed and rolls to his side. His eyes focus on nothing and his brain slips back and forth through negative thoughts until he feels the mattress dip behind him. And hand gently strokes through his hair.
D: “Tell me what your brain is telling you.”
It’s a soft request, one that’s been asked on occasion.
H: “Hopelessness. Anxiety. Self-loathing. Insignificance. A burden.”
His breathing hitches as the visceral feelings emerge through physical reactions.
H: “Lonely.”
His voice cracks at that word. A few tears spill onto the pillow under his head.
D: “How does your body feel.”
H: “Drained. Numb. Heavy. Dead weight.”
D: “Have you been taking your meds?”
Hitoshi nods.
D: “Do you think they need to be upped or changed?”
Hitoshi shrugs.
D: “Did something suddenly trigger these feelings?”
Hitoshi shakes his head.
H: “Been feeling like this for a few weeks. Everything is just so…monotonous.”
D: “Yeah, I get that. Weather’s not helping either, is it? We’re kind of in the doldrums of winter. Spring is right around the corner, but it’s still cold and gray for another month.”
Hitoshi nods. An arm wraps around him.
D: “Maybe we can break up this monotony, even for one day? Let’s take a day off and just go out. Doesn’t matter where. Just something fun and different.”
Hitoshi nods again, more tears spilling out as he feels the warm body behind him.
D: “And I’m always here, babe. You’re never alone.”
H: “I’m sorry.” It comes out as a sob.
D: “Sorry for what?”
H: “That I’m like this. I mean, there’s nothing I should be depressed about. I’m healthy. I have a good paying, secure job. I’ve got you. I didn’t have a traumatic childhood. I mean, there was the war, but I came out of that relatively unscathed. I have no disabilities or chronic medical issues. So what’s my fucking excuse for being depressed?”
D: “Do I really need to go into the details of neurotransmitter dysfunction with you again? Toshi, you don’t need to have an excuse to be depressed. What’s important is that we recognize it and work on treating it. And right now, I think you need a change of pace. Break up the monotony that’s causing the numbness.”
Hitoshi huffs a laugh.
H: “Can you fix all the problems in the world that’s triggering my anxiety, too?”
D: “Babe, NO one can do that. Best just to focus on what you can do here at home. If shit happens out there, then it happens. Humans have been through a lot and we’re still here talking about it. It’s not our place to solve the problems of 8 billion people.”
H: “Well now I feel even more insignificant. Like a flea.”
D: “Even fleas can make an impact in their small worlds. Shrink your space. For now, just focus on this room. And just us.”
Hitoshi inhales deeply before slowly letting the air out.
H: “Okay. I’ll try. Denki?”
D: “Yeah, babe?”
H: “I love you.”
D: “And I love you. Now, how about a blow job to make you feel better?”
Hitoshi turns his head to look at Denki.
H: “You’re fucking crazy, you know that?”
D: “Crazy for you,” Denki responds, wagging his eyebrows.
Hitoshi cracks a smile and rolls onto his back.