Chapter Text
Ilya: Shane.
Ilya: Beloved.
Ilya: Why do you torture me?
Ilya: I am good husband.
Ilya:This morning I give you blowjob, make you breakfast
Ilya: even terrible smoothie that smells of grass. And you do this?
Shane: The house doesn't magically produce everything we need Ilya. We're out of almost everything.
Ilya: That is why God invented Amazon.
Shane: I'm not spending ten times the money for half the amount just because it's delivered.
Ilya: Why not? You are poor, Hollander?
Ilya: You don't make enough money for delivery because you are only second best hockey player in the league?
Shane: My contract says I'm worth more than you, Rozanov.
Shane: But I don't want strangers coming to the house.
Ilya: Now you have standards? Where were standards last week when you let Pike invade my living room?
Shane: Your living room?
Ilya: Our living room. Contaminated by terrible hockey player still.
Shane: Hayden is not a bad hockey player!
Ilya: Yes, he is. He does not score goals like you, or make nice passes like you, and he is so slow. So. Very bad at hockey.
Shane: Ilya.
Ilya: Also bad at birth control.
Shane: Ilya!
Ilya: What? I speak only truth.
Shane: Ilya. Stop distracting me.
Ilya: Distract from what? Is very important conversation with you, Shane.
Ilya: Need to check for brain damage since you insist Pike is good hockey player.
Shane: We still need to go shopping.
Ilya: No.
Shane: We've run out of not just food, but toilet paper, Ilya. I don't care what you say, we need to go. I can’t live like this.
Ilya: Is fine, can use Montreal team sheet. Is all it is good for.
Shane: ...
Ilya: I see smile, ha!
Shane: No comment. Shopping, now. Do you want to starve?
Ilya: Impossible. Always my husband gives me nice juicy rump steak to eat ;)
Ilya: ...long time since breakfast.
Ilya: Need snack now or will faint from hunger.
Shane: So you don't want more of the oreshki my mom had last week?
Shane: The ones you nearly threw up again after devouring the whole tin in half an hour?
Shane: The ones you said would be worth jail time?
Shane: The ones that tasted like your mom’s?
Ilya: Get in car, loser. We’re going shopping.
Ilya: I am dying.
Shane: It’s been 20 minutes.
Ilya: Yes. Call dead people, quick.
Shane: Dead peo- what?
Ilya: Ones who collect bodies.
Shane: Oh, you mean a funeral director.
Ilya: Yes, funeral director!
Ilya: Call quick, before body is stolen by fans.
Ilya: Teenage girls here are watching me, like vultures on nature TV show.
Ilya: Arms are about to fall off Shane.
Ilya: Will be stolen by scary girls.
Ilya: Then how will I fuck my pretty husband???
Shane: I’m halfway done you big baby, and I have several tins of the oreshki.
Ilya: My husband is so good to me, even if he will kill me with stupid Costco trip.
Shane: Did you get the paper towels?
Ilya: Yes.
Shane: Ilya.
Ilya: …
Shane: Ilya, come on. Put it back.
Ilya: Is necessary.
Shane: It is not necessary for us to have a 72 pound cheese wheel. Nobody needs that much cheese!
Ilya: If nobody needs, then why put cheese wheel on sale?
Shane: I - don’t know. But that still doesn’t change the fact we do not need a cheese wheel.
Ilya: If I put cheese wheel back then I get hot tub instead. And big Nutella.
Shane: Where did you even find a hot tub? Also, no.
Ilya: In between sex swing and golf simulator.
Ilya: Also need these.
Ilya: Cart has plenty of space, yes?
Shane: Fine.
Mom: Shane honey, Dad and I wanted to visit this weekend. Are you around today?
Shane: Sorry Mom, not a good time right now.
Mom: Oh gosh, is everything alright? Did something happen?
Shane: What?
Shane: Oh
Shane: Sorry
Shane: That’s not what I meant
Shane: Ilya discovered Costco this morning.
Shane: We have half the store in the car now, and he wants to go back again.
Shane: I think he wants to buy the other half of the store too.
Mom: I remember someone a little younger than you who also wanted everything he saw on the shelves…
Shane: Yes, when I was ten.
Mom: Well, Ilya didn’t have Costco when he was your age, did he?
Shane: No, thank God.
Mom: So, let him have a little fun. And pick us up a cheese wheel please, if they aren’t sold out.
Shane: MOM.
Mom: What? It’s a steal. Ilya reminded me we have the cookout coming up.
Shane: Sure Mom.
Shane: Well played.
Ilya: 0:)