Work Text:
Unknown Number
April 10 1:24 PM
Pike
prepare yourself
you have a lot to make up for after fucking Brad so take this seriously
I’m sorry who is this??
Ilya’s best man
oh my god
is this fucking cliff marlow?
No
much prettier and wiser
My name is Svetlana
daughter of Sergei Vetrov
Sergei Vetrov?!
No way
that’s awesome!
Wait
best ‘man’?
Oh so you are sexist
No surprise with a Voyageur
ouch
fair assumption but no
I love and support women ✊
stop Pike
This hurts to read
Let’s get to the point
I am Ilya’s best man. You are Shane’s.
I am???
yes. Hasn’t he told you?
I mean I figured he might ask me and make me feel special and then I’ll say yes and we’ll hug and celebrate our friendship
wow
that’s sad
okay, well, fuck you??
that’s better
more spirited
we will make this work
okay not like we have much choice I guess lol
let’s talk to them about details and then reconvene with a battle plan
deal
I can’t believe those fuckers only gave people like two months’ notice for their wedding
Didn’t you and your wife get married a couple of weeks after a one-night-stand? Ilya mentioned something
If it wasn’t Shane’s wedding too, I’d piss on the cake just because fucking Rozanov said that
😂😂 not bad, Pike
Svetlana
April 19 5:38 PM
I talked to Ilya and he doesn’t want a bachelor party
He’s become so boring since we used to fuck
April 19 5:41 PM
Pike
April 19 5:46 PM
Answer me
You and Rozanov used to fuck??? And you’re his best man??
yes obviously, how do you think we know each other?
Okay
Cool
Let’s just
Go back to talking about bachelor parties
Shane doesn’t want one either
well, that is not surprising
Yeah it makes sense, definitely not his thing, at mine he almost died of embarrassment
Couldn’t handle the strip club?
hah
It was just karaoke
oh Hollander
he is a precious baby
don’t infantilise my best friend
but yes he is a precious baby
Svetlana
April 28 10:55 AM
Ilya told me they’re having the wedding in their garden in Ottawa
Yeah Shane mentioned that
Cute, right?
They’re millionaires
yeah but they’re pretty down to earth, you know, considering
well, Shane is
They couldn’t rent a yacht or something?
omg no wait, how cool would it be if they rented a rink and had the wedding there??
I’ll suggest it to Shane hang on
that would be INCREDIBLE
April 28 10:59 AM
ok so it’s a hard no
He didn’t even consider it?
Trauma from the playoffs I think
fuck the Voyageurs
I don’t even disagree honestly 🤬🤬🤬
Svetlana
May 2 10:08 AM
Pike
How is your best man speech coming along?
Great
Here is my first draft
📝speech shane wedding.pages
no
You didn’t even have time to read it all!
It starts with ‘the first time I met Shane…’
Yeah? So? That’s solid!!
Have you never heard of a hook?
wtf
I can give the speech I want
no you can’t
you outed them
you have to make up for that, so your speech has to be perfect
ok look I am so so sorry about that
also fuck brad
but I don’t exactly see how it relates to my speech
yes fuck brad
but trust me, write a better speech
you have a wife
ask her for advice to make it not boring
I am just as qualified to write a speech as Jackie is!
Svetlana
May 4 11:10 AM
Better?
📝speech shane wedding updated.pages
no
Svetlana
May 8 12:19 PM
okay so I asked Shane what they need help with, you know, decorations, picking out cakes etc and he said they’re good
I can’t believe he would say that
right?? like why do they want us to be best men if they don’t want our help?
Ilya is being the same
they should trust us
I have better taste than them
we have better taste you mean
May 8 1:25 PM
Svetlana
May 8 1:53 PM
come on bro!!
Svetlana
May 21 4:30 PM
I tried again to offer my help
You know what he said?
What?
‘all good, man, it’s just a party’
he did not
I swear
He hasn’t even ASKED for my twins to be flower girls
Identical cute little angels as flower girls, how is that not the dream?
You’re right to be offended
Ilya is honestly killing me, he won’t even let me help pick out the suit
‘we’ll look stunning, Svetlana, I am so hot and Shane is always perfect, calm down about this wedding planning’
I am so sorry he said that to you
I’m worried they’ll get boring blue with gold or something that doesn’t even match
I just wish they appreciated what we have to offer, you know?
I know
🫂
🫂
Svetlana
May 25 11:10 AM
📝speech shane wedding updated new.pages
‘the first time I thought Shane and Ilya might be fucking, I almost threw up’???
It’s funny! Because they were rivals!
Send me your wife’s number now
New Conversation
May 25 11:16 AM
Svetlana added you and 💞Jackie💞
Svetlana named the conversation Ilya Wedding Planning
you named the conversation Shane Wedding Planning
Svetlana named the conversation Ilya Wedding Planning
you named the conversation Shane Wedding Planning
💞Jackie💞 named the conversation NONE OF THIS WE LOVE THEM BOTH
💞Jackie💞 named the conversation Simply the Best (Men)
💞Jackie💞
Hiiiiii Svetlana so great to meet!!!
Svetlana
Same girl!!
💞Jackie💞
Has Hayden been helpful?
Svetlana
He’s been doing his best I’m sure!
💞Jackie💞
Oh gosh I’m sorry sweetie we’ll fix it now
Jackie!!!
💞Jackie💞
I love you! You just have room to grow when it comes to party planning, Hayd
Remember the twins’ 5th birthday party?
ok whatever
that was the fault of that deranged clown
Svetlana thinks there is something wrong with my speech even though it’s totally fine!
Svetlana
This is his latest draft, Jackie
📝speech shane wedding updated new.pages
I don’t need help with my speech!!!!
💞Jackie💞
what is that bit about Rose Landry?
I don’t know, I just know things changed after she and Shane broke up, I think it was a big turning point in his and Rozanov’s relationship
💞Jackie💞
but we don’t know what went on there
we can’t just include that without knowing the context
Svetlana
oh no problem give me a moment
May 25 11:48 AM
Svetlana added Rose
💞Jackie💞
girl no way
how do you have Rose Landry’s number
Svetlana
I didn’t
Shane just folds so easily
Rose
hiiiiii guys
so nice to meet you all 🥰🥰🥰
so excited for this wedding ahhhhhhhhh
what colours are you girls wearing?
Svetlana
Shiny dark purple
💞Jackie💞
whatever none of my kids will have thrown up on
Rose
oh wow that’ll all be so cute
I think I’m going for like a pastel purple or do you think it’ll be to much with my hair?
💞Jackie💞
No girl go for it!!
Svetlana
It’ll be 🔥 and we’ll match!!
Try for purple or pink as well Jackie! Hide it from the kids!
💞Jackie💞
There is no hiding anything from our kids but I’ll try!!
Rose
amazing 💗💗 I really can’t wait
So what has been going on? What can I help with?
Svetlana
Pike keeps fucking up his best man speech
ok you keep saying that Svetlana but you’ve never shared YOUR speech
Svetlana
because it will be perfect don’t you worry
@Rose can you check what Hayden is saying about you in his speech?
the file is further up in this chat
NO WAIT
Rose
no no it’s cool, let me have a look now
this is too diplomatic and restrained, not fun enough for a wedding
like Shane and I really got into it you know, deep convo and he made the most HILARIOUS joke
I won’t share it all here but really don’t be shy in mentioning how much his not being attracted to me helped him in his realisation that he’s gay
and say something about pegs and holes he’ll laugh so much
Pegs and holes? Do I want to know?
Rose
Probably not 🤭
Svetlana
May 29 7:05 AM
Svetlana!!!!!
it’s 7am
I only got home 2 hours ago, your text woke me up
this better be important or I will kill you
no you won’t
because I finally got Shane to ask for help with something for the wedding! We have a task!
Finally!
What is it
chairs
Pike
great, right?
I will kill you
Simply the Best (Men)
June 3 8:07 PM
Svetlana
Hey Ilya asked how many of his former Bears teammates will make it, Pike do you have anyone’s number and can ask? Cannot believe they’re not even doing proper RSVPs 🙄
💞Jackie💞
yeah since when is Shane so chill about things?
Rose
since he lives with his fiance and gets railed multiple times a day
ok can we not talk about their sex life please
Rose
sorry we’ll keep that to our girls’ chat
um what?
💞Jackie💞
don’t worry about it, babe. Can you check re the Bears RSVPs with Marlow maybe, you have his number from that charity thing a few years ago right?
you added Marlow
Marlow
oh hell yes
is this for Rozy’s bachelor party?
Marlow added Connors, Carmichael and St-Simon
Marlow
LET’S GO BOYS
Rose
oh no sorry for the confusion, it’s not a bachelor party chat
it’s a wedding planning chat
Carmichael
ah ok, still fun!
St-Simon
also ace!!! share the colour scheme, we’ll weigh in
Marlow
wait, do I know one of you girls? Svetlana?
Svetlana
Yeah, Ilya and I used to fuck, I was at your Stanley Cup afterparty!
Marlow
Oh yeah!
Nice to see you again!
Svetlana
you too
😉😉
ok, can we talk RSVPs?
Svetlana
June 3 8:50 PM
you sure are getting on well with Marlow
don’t worry I would never replace you as my co-best man
That’s not what I meant!
Also what do you mean, replace me?
Shane picks his own best man! He would never listen to you if you tried to get him to replace me!
ok yeah sure
Simply the Best (Men)
June 15 3:39 PM
you added J. J.
ok J. J. read this version and he LOVES it
back me up man
📝speech shane wedding updated new final.pages
J. J.
I said it was good enough
fuck you man
Marlow
Pike, why is there a joke about Rose Landry pegging Hollander in your wedding speech?
Connors
Yeah ngl seems kind of tasteless?
💞Jackie💞
Babe I can help you with the speech, it’s fine
I don’t need help with my speech!!!
Rose
Hayden I love that you decided to take my advice on board but this wasn’t quite what I was trying to suggest
St-Simon
oh my fucking god
is this rose landry
Carmichael
has rose fucking landry been in this chat all along?
Rose
yes hiiii 😃
J. J.
What the fuck kind of chat is this?
💞Jackie💞
It’s a wedding planning chat
J. J.
okay so besides speeches, what wedding planning do you guys actually do?
Chairs
Svetlana
chairs obviously
Svetlana
June 15 4:00 PM
fuck fuck fuck Svetlana
I know
the chairs!!
I know, Pike!
Calm down
let’s order some online, it’s a garden party, something basic is ok
ok sure
[link]
[link]
which ones?
The second ones, agreed?
agreed
perfect
Svetlana
June 24 11:58 PM
What are you wearing?
SVETLANA
I’M MARRIED
to the wedding, Pike
you need to match my colour scheme
oh right
what colour is your dress again
dark purple
get a purple suit
no
I can wear a purple tie as a concession
Svetlana
June 26 12:15 PM
Did you message Jackie to make me get a purple suit?
I can’t believe you think I would do something like that, I thought we were friends
Simply the Best (Men)
June 30 7:12 PM
📝speech shane wedding updated new final done.pages
J. J.
‘considering Rozanov was always banging different girls in every city…’ BRO
He was! I talk about how his love for Shane changed him! It’s sweet! Svetlana, back me up!
Svetlana
🤨🤨🤨
💞Jackie💞
you can’t say that, babe
It’s true!!
Shane was just at home waiting for him and Rozanov was always sleeping around
Rose
Shane slept with me, though!
Did he, Rose? Did he really?
Rose
Well, kind of! He did his best! It was sweet of him to try!
Svetlana
I don’t think you’re really managing to fix this, Rose
Rose
Shane is great in bed!!
Marlow
oh we know he is, Rozy never stops bragging now that they’re out
the shit he talks about is WILD
St-Simon
Is it weird that I wish I could see what they get up to sometimes? 😅
June 30 7:25 PM
St-Simon
Guys?
June 30 7:30 PM
St-Simon
Guys?
💞Jackie💞
I’m just going to add you to another chat we’ve got, honey, hang on!
Simply the Best (Men)
July 1 5:04 PM
J. J.
I realised, we’re all going to be in Ottawa the night before the wedding next week, right?
Svetlana
Yeah
Connors
right
Carmichael
I am
Rose
yes I get in the afternoon before 😊
St-Simon
same here
J. J.
ok so
we know Hollzy and Rozanov didn’t want a bachelor party, but we can still have one
It’s not a wedding without a bachelor party, right?
Marlow
hard agree on this
I don’t think it’s fair to force them, though
J. J.
no no
I mean all of us
in their honour, so to speak
they can stay at home
you just want to go to a strip club
I’ll be there
Marlow
yeah let’s all go
St-Simon
dude there are girls in this chat
Svetlana
oh don’t worry, we’ve got our own thing planned
💞Jackie💞
girls’ night out
Rose
and definitely we’re not going to a strip club, we would never do that
💞Jackie💞
July 1 5:27 PM
You girls are going to a strip club, aren’t you?
mayyyybeeeee 😘😘
Simply the Best (Men)
July 3 10:48 AM
📝22-07-09_Wedding Speech_Ilya-Shane_v6.0
Carmichael
wow
Rose
this is lovely 😍
Marlow
beautiful words man
Svetlana
I laughed I cried this is everything I wanted
good job Jackie
J. J.
yeah well done Jackie
Rose
@Jackie, you’re so talented!
Guys this is my speech!!!
💞Jackie💞
Guys, Hayden wrote this all by himself, honestly!
💞Jackie💞
July 3 11:01 PM
thank you so much for writing that speech babe, I love you
always babe, I love you too
and I love Shane and Ilya
I was not going to let your speech ruin their wedding
all my drafts weren’t that bad
You joked about Rose Landry pegging Shane!
SHE TOLD ME TO
Simply the Best (Men)
July 9 00:16 AM
💞Jackie💞
guysssss we’re having the best time
Rose
we’re not at a strip club though!! 😂😉😇
are you guys having fun?
J. J.
I don’t know, I lost the others lol I have no clue what part of Ottawa I’m in
@Jackie @Hayden who is even watching your kids?!
💞Jackie💞
I don’t know lol
Yuna and David are
Marlow
we got kicked out of our strip club
Rose
omg what did you do?
St-Simon
Nothing bad!
@Jackie Carmichael threw up all over your husband
💞Jackie💞
awww babe are you okay?
fine
never going to throw anyone a bachelor party again
Shane was right all along
Svetlana
alright so that means that you think Ilya was right, too, since he didn’t want a bachelor party, either
the fuck it does
all right I’m ubering to the hotel now, see you there babe @Jackie and the rest of you at the wedding
💞Jackie💞
don’t wait up! 🤭🤭
July 9 09:35 AM
How is everyone doing this morning?
Marlow
Hungover but alive
Rose
same
J. J.
yes
Carmichael
I smell disgusting
St-Simon
me too
not that I smell disgusting I meant to the hungover bit
Svetlana
you are all weak
Pike, where is Jackie
getting ready
Rose
awww poor thing 🫢
Svetlana
we know she’s throwing up after the night we had, isn’t she?
no comment
Svetlana
July 9 11:36 PM
let’s crush this
let’s do it!!!
we’re all going to be there in 10, we’re in the uber now
great, I just got there
What time are the chairs arriving? We need time to set up
What do you mean
you’re the one who ordered them
no, Pike
YOU ordered them
It was your job! You’re the one who said we should order them!
You’re the one who sent the links!
Oh my god what are we going to do??
I’m going to talk to Hollander
Don’t stress him about about the chairs on his wedding day!
Oh I won’t tell him about the chairs
I’ll just get him to replace you with Marlow
Fuck off, Svetlana!!
you’ll look pretty stupid in that purple suit once it’s not clear to everyone it’s to match me
oh cut it out, come on
ok ok I’m joking
it’ll be fine
they’re so in love they won’t give a fuck about the chairs
good point
all right
I am actually kind of nervous now about my speech
Jackie’s speech, you mean
oh whatever
relax, it’s a great speech
it’ll pale in comparison to mine but that’s to be expected
🖕
alright we’re here, see you in a minute
and Svetlana? It’s an honour to be co-best man with you today
thank you, Pike. The honour’s all mine
July 9 11:48 PM
oh wow
I can spot your suit from out here
😆😆💜