Work Text:
Unknown Number
May 25 11:13 AM
Hello Jackie, this is Ilya’s ex hookup and best man
I will add you to a group chat now
sure sounds great!!
New Conversation
May 25 6:32 PM
you added Svetlana and Rose
Hi girls! So nice to meet you in the group chat earlier!
I thought I’d create this group just in case we want to talk anything re Shane and Ilya’s wedding that doesn’t really concern Hayden, like dresses and stuff
Rose
Great idea, Jackie!!! it’ll be so fun and I can’t wait to actually meet you both in person at the wedding 🥰🥰 And Hayden, too, of course!
Svetlana
Agreed, good to have a group just us!
Rose, I just have to ask, that pegs and holes thing, what did that mean? Was that a sex thing?
Rose
I will take that to my grave!!
Svetlana
Nooo, tell us!
Is it something about you and Shane or Ilya and Shane?
Rose
🤐
Svetlana
@Jackie want to keep guessing until we break her and she tells us?
you named the conversation Shane & Ilya Sex Theories
Hayden 😍😍
May 29 11:45 PM
Hayden come up to bed
what are you even still doing awake?
Looking at chairs
are you okay babe?
Yes yes great. What’s a finial??
Forget about chairs, you can look that up tomorrow. Come to bed now 😘😘
on my way!!!!
Hayden 😍😍
June 3 9:26 PM
Do you girls really have a group chat to talk sex stuff?
it’s more to talk dresses and stuff so we don’t spam the actual planning group and sex sometimes comes up
Jacks is this because of the WAGs?
No! It has nothing to do with that
Okay
and just to be clear I think it’s great that you have that! Rose and Svetlana are awesome
yeah they are
What do you think we watch something cute with the kids tonight and I’ll make popcorn?
Yes, that would be lovely 💓💓💓💓💓
Shane & Ilya Sex Theories
June 3 10:02 PM
Do you think Shane and Ilya really just have sex all the time?
Svetlana
wouldn’t you if you were them?
You mean with Shane or with Ilya?
Rose
either
Svetlana
both
Rose
oh yeah I guess that’s a good option!! 😁
Svetlana
obviously only in a world where Hollander would be into it
can’t imagine it’s much fun for anyone involved if you’re sleeping with a gay guy
no offence, Rose
Shane & Ilya Sex Theories
June 5 9:08 AM
Rose
Hey girls
Are you wearing heels? Shane said they’re getting married in the garden, so I’m kind of torn
Svetlana
I would rather die than wear flats to a wedding
Rose
Jackie, what about you?
June 6 10:43 AM
Rose
Hey Jackie, no pressure to respond at all, but are you okay girl?
Oh yeah sorry
not sure yet what I’m wearing, I haven’t had a chance to look through my closet
Svetlana
Get your girls in Montreal to take you shopping!
June 6 8:20 PM
Rose
Jackie are you sure you’re okay? Something we can help with?
It’s all good!
Just some trouble with the kids
Rose
are they ok?!
Yeah
it’s just the twins were uninvited from a birthday party and it’s our fault
I mean not our fault but it’s Drapeau’s kid’s party and because Hayden and I are refusing not to call the guys out whenever they talk bad about Shane he doesn’t want the twins there
and it’s like okay whatever, you want to be a shitty person like that, but do you have to make my kids cry over being uninvited? And make his OWN kid cry who wanted them to be there! Who the hell does that?
And all the WAGs used to be like my best friends and they’re okay about the whole thing but they’re not getting the guys to shut up either and I really miss them and I feel really alone but I’m not going to shut my mouth and stop defending Shane, so it’s just been a bit much
oh my god girls I’m so sorry
I don’t know what I’m doing telling you all this
just ignore all of this
Rose
no way!!! what? We’re not ignoring you, not a chance!
Svetlana
Jackie here’s what we’re going to do, let’s have a video call and just chat
Rose
oh yes let’s do that!! get a drink and then we’ll call each other. Sound good?
That would be amazing girls, thank you so so much 💖
Svetlana
Rose
fuck the Voyageurs
call ongoing 00:52:12
Svetlana
June 15 3:58 PM
any idea why my husband is yelling about chairs in the living room?
none whatsoever, we sorted all of that weeks ago
Hayden 😍😍
June 15 4:08 PM
the speech isn’t that bad, is it?
I will always love you babe
ok wow Jacks
💗💗💗
Shane & Ilya Sex Theories
June 15 4:21 PM
oh god Rose I cannot believe Hayden put that joke about you pegging Shane in his speech, I’m so sorry
Rose
are you kidding I was SCREAMING reading it
this is the most I’ve laughed in ages 🤣🤣🤣
He’s working really hard on the speech, I know he’ll get there!!
Svetlana
Jackie, just write it for him, I am begging you
Rose
funny, you don’t seem like the begging type to me 😉😉
Svetlana
I’m not, that’s why Ilya’s happier with Hollander
oh my god Svetlana don’t!!!!
Rose
ok no actually THIS is the most I’ve laughed
Shane & Ilya Sex Theories
June 18 2:22 AM
Svetlana
obviously I’ll be there just don’t try counting fucking cards this time, you are so obvious about it you fucking idiot
if you get me banned from this place you’ll fucking regret it
June 18 2:30 AM
Svetlana
sorry wrong chat
Shane & Ilya Sex Theories
June 25 0:09 AM
Svetlana
Jackie please note I am not trying to seduce your husband
oh honey I’d happily watch that!!
Svetlana
I would break him
Rose
yes you would
that would be the fun!!!!
Rose
Jackie are you drunk or something?
No but Amber has been throwing tantrums all day and I only just managed to get her to sleep
my brain is fried
I need some joy and distraction
Svetlana
ok
Rose
oohhh is this going to get spicy 😋
Svetlana
you wish, Landry
June 26 8:22 AM
omg Svetlana
did you tell Hayden to make me breakfast in bed 😭😍
Svetlana
of course not, he must have come up with that idea all by himself 😇
unrelated, I do need you to bully him into wearing a purple suit to the wedding to match my dress
my happiness depends on it
I got you
Shane & Ilya Sex Theories
June 30 7:31 PM
you added Victor
Welcome, Victor! This is a judgement-free space to talk about Shane and Ilya’s sex life! Or your own! Or anything, really! We’ll support you!
Rose
Yes, welcome, Victor! 🤗
Victor
oh wow
thanks for including me, everyone
Svetlana
Everything that is said in this chat stays in this chat or we will shut you up and no one will ever find the body, understood?
Victor
🫡🤐
So you really talk about Roz and Hollander’s sex life here?
I mean not really really
but also yes sometimes
Rose
Honestly at this point in my life I’m pretty sure I’ve had a similar amount of gay sex to them, I haven’t slept with a guy who’s into women in forever
and I mean it’s sweet, like all my gay boyfriends try so hard
but sometimes you know
Svetlana
you want to get fucked properly?
Rose
yeah
Svetlana
yeah
I haven’t really been able to replace Ilya to be honest
don’t get me wrong I couldn’t be happier for him and Hollander but god do I miss his cock
ooh what’s Ilya like in bed?
Victor
I bet he’s like crazy, he used to be all scratched up whenever he went to see this chick Jane he used to meet up with in Montreal
wait a second
Hayden 😍😍
June 30 8:17 PM
babe
Yeah?
I love you and I think you’re amazing in bed
Jackie
What’s going on?
Nothing
I just love you so much and I love our family and our life and sometimes all I can think about is how lucky I was to get wasted in that club and throw myself at you
I was just thinking about what it’d be like if that had never happened
It did happen, though
and if anything I was throwing myself at you
okay I guess we threw ourselves at each other
I love you too
I’m the lucky one
Shane & Ilya Sex Theories
July 1 0:14 AM
At the risk of stating the obvious, we all agree Ilya tops, right?
Svetlana
oh yeah
Victor
yes
Rose
100%
New Conversation
July 1 5:06 PM
Svetlana added you and Rose
Rose
oh hey what’s this about? Without Victor?
Svetlana named the conversation Strip Club
Rose
ok I see!!
Svetlana
Boiziau is slow with his plans for the guys. I already made some for us
https://ladsforladies-ottawa.ca/
this place
night before the wedding
9pm
Rose
omg I’ve never actually been to a strip club before, so exciting!
I went to Magic Mike once on a girls’ trip, that counts, right?
Svetlana
I can’t believe I have the chance to teach you girls how to live and I have to do it in fucking OTTAWA
Shane & Ilya Sex Theories
July 2 3:16 PM
Svetlana
Want to video call and compare shoes?
Victor
I’m free now!
sorry, I’m busy!
Svetlana
busy writing your husband’s best man speech?
shush no I’m not
What’s a synonym for ‘rivalry’?
Rose
buttsex
Rose NO
strip club
July 4 10:50 AM
Svetlana added Cassie and Lisa
Svetlana
@Jackie, this is Cassie and Lisa from the Centaurs WAGs. @Cassie, @Lisa, this is Jackie. Hayden Pike on the Voyageurs is her husband.
oh, wow, so nice to meet you girls!!
Cassie
Nice to meet you, too! Quick question, why is this chat called strip club?
we’re going to a strip club the night before Shane and Ilya’s wedding. In their honour, sort of
Svetlana
you’re invited
Rose
she’s not asking, though, she’s really telling you that you have to be there 🤭
Svetlana
Rose is correct, I am. This is the place: https://ladsforladies-ottawa.ca/
Cassie
Wait, Shane’s friend Rose? As in, Rose Landry?
Lisa
ohhh, good choice girls, Lads for Ladies is the best male strip club in Ottawa imo!
Svetlana
how you can suffer living in this town just to be with your husbands, I’ll never understand
Svetlana
July 4 10:58 AM
Svetlana, did you go to the trouble to get their numbers from Ilya to introduce us?
You miss your WAGs. You need WAGs without shitty husbands. Here they are.
omg Svetlana thank you 💖 you don’t have to do all this
the next step is to get your husband traded to a team that’s not full of homophobic assholes
hahaha oh girl if only you had the power to make that happen
what do you mean ‘if only’
Shane & Ilya Sex Theories
July 6 3:16 PM
Victor
Okay so
You said judgement-free even if it’s about my own sex life, right?
Rose
Absolutely!!! We’re here for you!!! 🥰
Yes, we are, Victor! Feel free to share!
Svetlana
we might laugh if it’s something very stupid, though
well, yes, maybe a little, but not more than we would at any of us, promise!
Victor
this girl I slept with last night told me I was bad at eating her out
like no girl ever told me that before! What if I’ve been doing it wrong for years? I’m kind of freaking out
I don’t even know where to start to improve, she didn’t exactly sit me down and explain what to do instead
@Svetlana, are you laughing?
Svetlana
yes
but don’t worry, we’ll help you fix it
Are you free to call?
Victor
yeah I am
Rose
me too! 😊
same here!
Victor
you girls are the best
I’ll owe you forever
Svetlana
you’ll need something to take notes
call ongoing 00:37:56
strip club
July 8 07:10 PM
hey girls, I just dropped the kids off with Yuna and David and Hayden’s getting ready to meet the guys for their own adventure!
I’m really looking forward to tonight, but I think we should keep in mind that we’re all at the wedding tomorrow
I definitely don’t want to be a party pooper but let’s maybe keep it chill and not get home too late, what do you all think?
Lisa
absolutely, I mean we’re all adults, I can’t party like I used to!!
Rose
You’re sooo right, Jackie! We want to be present for Shane and Ilya’s big day tomorrow, let’s just have a relaxed, fun night and get our 8 hours of sleep before the big day 😊😊
Cassie
I totally agree, girls! It’s so much more fun when you’re not totally wasted, anyway!
what do you think, Svetlana? Let’s cap it at two drinks each? We’ll have just as much fun, won’t we?
Svetlana
🙅♀️
July 9 2:03 AM
Rose
grils this was the best night EVER youre all amazing!!!!!! I love you!! see you at the wedding AND I WILL see you at my next premiere NO EXCUSES 😽😽😽😽😽😽😽😽😽
Lisa
I TOLD YOU THIS WAS THE BEST STRIP CLUB IN OTTAWA I TOLD YOU
Cassie
@Jackie you have to come to here every weekend now from now on promise ussss yayyyy
Svetlana
just handing her over to Pike, we’re all good!! proud of everyone for holding up tonight and see you all tomorrow!
Jackie says she is blowing you all kisses
Shane & Ilya Sex Theories
July 9 9:50 AM
Rose
Jackie, girl, are you okay? Hayden says you’re getting ready in the main group but it’s very unconvincing
Ughhhhhhhh whyyyyyy
Rose
😅
Svetlana
Ilya is asking whether when you pick the kids up from Yuna and David’s you can ask her to bring ‘Shane’s weird kale snacks’ because they’re out
no Sevtlana
no Stevlana
Rose
oh honey hahaha
Svetlana
come on, Pike, rally
you sort it out with yuna heres her number
you added Yuna
Rose
JACKIE NO NOT HERE
its fine she cant read old msgs
Svetlana
yeah but she can see the name
leave me alone this is ur fault
Rose
Jackie remember what this chat is called
oh no
Rose
wait I’ll fix it!!
Rose named the conversation TOP SECRET
Victor
hey girls what’s with changing the name?
I thought we established who tops in that relationship is definitely not a secret lol my boy Roz fucks his man good
Rose
VICTOR DON’T
Vircto no nno Yuna is in this chatt now no!!!!!!!!
Victor
oh nice, your friend Yuna who watched your kids last night, right?
Welcome to the secret Hollanov perv chat, Yuna 👋 you’re a real one babysitting for a friend
guess what, Jackie got so fucked up at the strip club last night she forgot she left her kids with you 🤣🤣🤣
Svetlana
Jackie’s friend Yuna
is Hollander’s mother
Victor
fuck
shit
sorry sorry
I’m sorry Mrs Hollander, I didn’t read back
I’m sorry ma’am
Yuna
Thank you for welcoming me to the chat, Victor
@Jackie, I will have some aspirin ready for you when you pick up the kids
thank you Yuna
Svetlana
Mrs Hollander, could you please take some kale snacks for Shane to the wedding? He and Ilya have run out and Ilya wants to make sure there are some suitable snacks in case Shane gets hungry.
Yuna
No problem, I’ll take some to their house, thank you for letting me know
See you all at the wedding
Until then, I’ll leave you to enjoy your top secret theories in peace
Yuna left the conversation
Victor
well THAT isn’t where Hollander gets his bottom energy from